What do you think?
Rate this book
Do You Have Kids?: Life When the Answer Is No
Weaving together stories from non-moms aged thirty-seven to ninety-one, a growing body of research, and the author’s own story, Do You Have Kids? probes the non-mom's entire adulthood—from the morphing meaning of family to what she leaves behind when she dies.
Today about one in five American women will never have children, whether by choice or by destiny. Yet few women talk much about what not having kids means to their lives and identities. Not that they don’t want to; there just aren’t obvious catalysts for such open conversations. In fact, social taboos preclude exploration of the topic—and since our family-centric culture doesn’t know quite what to do with non-parents, there’s potential for childless and childfree women to be sidelined, ignored, or drowned out. Yet there’s widespread, pent-up demand for understanding and validating this perfectly normal way of being. In this straight-shooting, exhaustively researched book, women without kids talk candidly about the ways in which their lives differ from societal norms and expectations—the good, the bad, and the unexpected.
Today about one in five American women will never have children, whether by choice or by destiny. Yet few women talk much about what not having kids means to their lives and identities. Not that they don’t want to; there just aren’t obvious catalysts for such open conversations. In fact, social taboos preclude exploration of the topic—and since our family-centric culture doesn’t know quite what to do with non-parents, there’s potential for childless and childfree women to be sidelined, ignored, or drowned out. Yet there’s widespread, pent-up demand for understanding and validating this perfectly normal way of being. In this straight-shooting, exhaustively researched book, women without kids talk candidly about the ways in which their lives differ from societal norms and expectations—the good, the bad, and the unexpected.
288 pages, Paperback
First published April 2, 2019
44 people are currently reading
2034 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews
July 2, 2025
I've been trying to write a comprehensive review for this book for months. And I just can't seem to really get my feelings and emotions on the page. On one hand I'm sooo thankful to Kate Kaufmann for writing this book and doing as much research as she did. Interviewing women, getting statistics, compiling thoughts, etc. On the other side I'm disappointed that so many women have experienced what I have over the years; judgement and rudeness over their choice (or inability) to have children. So instead here is a review that is more high level.
PS: If you want my story/situation please read it in the comments below. 2025 update: I had a full hysterectomy at end of 2024 and it has been amazing for my health and I’ve gotten a lot of pain relief from it. Ladies please talk to your doctors if you are having issues or pain and insist on help!!
The first half of Do You Have Kids? is a wonderful read about all these women from different walks of life. I found many were saying things I've said or had sentiments I've thought. It was nice to connect with them.
The second half was a bit disappointing. It focused almost exclusively on end of life care and estate wealth. I understand that I am 100% responsible for my own end of life care; but to me that's not because I don't have children, but because everyone should be responsible for their own end of life care. I'm disappointed to learn that the norm is still to burden children with their elderly parents. I don't like this mentality as it puts too much pressure on the children and not enough on the adult who should have been anticipating their own needs as they age.
I did however determine that a large amount of my estate (if anything is left but books, lol) will be donated to my local library. I was struck by the thought during reading this last half of the books that most children today benefit from (public and/or charitable donations) are made by those without children. Ironic in a way; but also proof that childless people still contribute a lot to society and the future of the human race.
I would recommend this to anyone that is childless by choice or not. I'd also recommend buying this for a struggling family member or friend that doesn't get why someone would select not to have children. It will (hopefully) help them understand that it's not about being selfish. It's about being realistic, pursuing personal happiness and not allowing being female to dictate how we must live our lives. Overall this is an excellent read; but it was emotionally draining for me on many levels.
Please note: I received an eARC of this book from the publisher via NetGalley. This is an honest and unbiased review.
Pre-read thoughts---------------------------------------------------------
I am very interested in this book and glad to receive an ARC from Netgalley.
As a woman who is unable to carry to term, encouraged not to try and conceive, and never intended to have children; I hope this portrays some elements of my life appropriately.
PS: If you want my story/situation please read it in the comments below. 2025 update: I had a full hysterectomy at end of 2024 and it has been amazing for my health and I’ve gotten a lot of pain relief from it. Ladies please talk to your doctors if you are having issues or pain and insist on help!!
The first half of Do You Have Kids? is a wonderful read about all these women from different walks of life. I found many were saying things I've said or had sentiments I've thought. It was nice to connect with them.
The second half was a bit disappointing. It focused almost exclusively on end of life care and estate wealth. I understand that I am 100% responsible for my own end of life care; but to me that's not because I don't have children, but because everyone should be responsible for their own end of life care. I'm disappointed to learn that the norm is still to burden children with their elderly parents. I don't like this mentality as it puts too much pressure on the children and not enough on the adult who should have been anticipating their own needs as they age.
I did however determine that a large amount of my estate (if anything is left but books, lol) will be donated to my local library. I was struck by the thought during reading this last half of the books that most children today benefit from (public and/or charitable donations) are made by those without children. Ironic in a way; but also proof that childless people still contribute a lot to society and the future of the human race.
I would recommend this to anyone that is childless by choice or not. I'd also recommend buying this for a struggling family member or friend that doesn't get why someone would select not to have children. It will (hopefully) help them understand that it's not about being selfish. It's about being realistic, pursuing personal happiness and not allowing being female to dictate how we must live our lives. Overall this is an excellent read; but it was emotionally draining for me on many levels.
Please note: I received an eARC of this book from the publisher via NetGalley. This is an honest and unbiased review.
Pre-read thoughts---------------------------------------------------------
I am very interested in this book and glad to receive an ARC from Netgalley.
As a woman who is unable to carry to term, encouraged not to try and conceive, and never intended to have children; I hope this portrays some elements of my life appropriately.
April 2, 2019
Ahoy there me mateys! Though this log’s focus is on sci-fi, fantasy, and young adult, this Captain does have broader reading tastes. So occasionally I will share some novels that I enjoyed that are off the charts (a non sci-fi, fantasy, or young adult novel), as it were. I received this non-fiction eARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. So here be me honest musings . . .
do you have kids? life when the answer is no (Kate Kaufmann)
Q: "Do you have kids?"
A: No.
This title caught me eye when perusing NetGalley because it is a question I have been asked one million-billion times. And every single time I answer this question in the negative, there is usually awkward silence on the questioner's part and/or the usual follow up questions of befuddlement.
Now personally, I have known that I never wanted kids from an early age. - like around the age of five. While me sister was contentedly holding babies, I was always trying to find a quiet spot to resume readin'. Family assumed that I would change me mind when I met "the right person." In me 20s I ended a five-year relationship because me partner changed his mind about children once he became an uncle. I be childfree and that's how I love it. The "right person" is the first mate who doesn't want kids either. And I personally have no problems answering the questions of the befuddled. I always find books with this topic to be fun to see how the statistics have changed and to hear stories about what other women without kids do with their lives.
This book was different from previous reads on the topic in that the women in the story were mostly in the latter stages of life. I felt like most of this book dealt more with people who didn't have children due to infertility or "destiny." This book seemed to be geared towards women who feel a need to justify their choice to not have kids or to explain why they couldn't have kids to those that do. I don't think that focus is a bad thing in a world where children are valued so highly. Infertility is a serious issue and I do not make light of it. I just personally found other parts of the book to be more interesting.
The sections that I enjoyed most were about some of the unique problems when you don't have children. In particular the sections about estate planning, end-of-life health decisions, and reproductive cancers were the most fascinating. I also loved the updated studies and the perspective from women looking back on their choices about children. The other books I read tended to focus on women at the beginnings of that choice. The vignettes showcasing personal stories were less productive because there wasn't always clear delineation when the speaker changed. Also the writing style was a bit erratic and the through-line was hard to follow. But I did enjoy the book. Here of some of me interesting takes from the book:
- 1 in 5 American women will not have kids
- Women's fertility is linked to farm animals with words like "eggs" and "harvest." Men's fertility is linked to finances with words like "collect" and "bank." Why is theirs not "milk" and "silo?"
- Taking oral contraceptives for 10 years or more can reduce chances of many reproductive cancers by half.
- Unspayed cats and dogs get reproductive cancers. Chimps and other primates don't even though they share 98% of genetic material with humans. Scientists are looking into if the reasons are in the 2% difference.
- All American adults should have wills and advanced medical directives. A place to start working on this is found in an online checklist called The Conversation Project which is a not-for-profit that "guides people through talking about their wishes for end-of-life care."
I choose to celebrate me decision to not have children. If ye be interested in the topic feel free to check out this book and other childfree titles.
So lastly . . .
Thank you She Writes Press!
Side note: The first mate decided to entertain me with answers for the question of why I don't want kids. They were irreverent and made me laugh. So if ye think ye will be offended skip these:
"F*ck you, breeder!"
"I was informed my children would be the anti-christ so I'm doing this for you!"
"I didn't know you were my mother!"
Hardy har har!
Check out me other reviews at https://thecaptainsquartersblog.wordp...
do you have kids? life when the answer is no (Kate Kaufmann)
Q: "Do you have kids?"
A: No.
This title caught me eye when perusing NetGalley because it is a question I have been asked one million-billion times. And every single time I answer this question in the negative, there is usually awkward silence on the questioner's part and/or the usual follow up questions of befuddlement.
Now personally, I have known that I never wanted kids from an early age. - like around the age of five. While me sister was contentedly holding babies, I was always trying to find a quiet spot to resume readin'. Family assumed that I would change me mind when I met "the right person." In me 20s I ended a five-year relationship because me partner changed his mind about children once he became an uncle. I be childfree and that's how I love it. The "right person" is the first mate who doesn't want kids either. And I personally have no problems answering the questions of the befuddled. I always find books with this topic to be fun to see how the statistics have changed and to hear stories about what other women without kids do with their lives.
This book was different from previous reads on the topic in that the women in the story were mostly in the latter stages of life. I felt like most of this book dealt more with people who didn't have children due to infertility or "destiny." This book seemed to be geared towards women who feel a need to justify their choice to not have kids or to explain why they couldn't have kids to those that do. I don't think that focus is a bad thing in a world where children are valued so highly. Infertility is a serious issue and I do not make light of it. I just personally found other parts of the book to be more interesting.
The sections that I enjoyed most were about some of the unique problems when you don't have children. In particular the sections about estate planning, end-of-life health decisions, and reproductive cancers were the most fascinating. I also loved the updated studies and the perspective from women looking back on their choices about children. The other books I read tended to focus on women at the beginnings of that choice. The vignettes showcasing personal stories were less productive because there wasn't always clear delineation when the speaker changed. Also the writing style was a bit erratic and the through-line was hard to follow. But I did enjoy the book. Here of some of me interesting takes from the book:
- 1 in 5 American women will not have kids
- Women's fertility is linked to farm animals with words like "eggs" and "harvest." Men's fertility is linked to finances with words like "collect" and "bank." Why is theirs not "milk" and "silo?"
- Taking oral contraceptives for 10 years or more can reduce chances of many reproductive cancers by half.
- Unspayed cats and dogs get reproductive cancers. Chimps and other primates don't even though they share 98% of genetic material with humans. Scientists are looking into if the reasons are in the 2% difference.
- All American adults should have wills and advanced medical directives. A place to start working on this is found in an online checklist called The Conversation Project which is a not-for-profit that "guides people through talking about their wishes for end-of-life care."
I choose to celebrate me decision to not have children. If ye be interested in the topic feel free to check out this book and other childfree titles.
So lastly . . .
Thank you She Writes Press!
Side note: The first mate decided to entertain me with answers for the question of why I don't want kids. They were irreverent and made me laugh. So if ye think ye will be offended skip these:
"F*ck you, breeder!"
"I was informed my children would be the anti-christ so I'm doing this for you!"
"I didn't know you were my mother!"
Hardy har har!
Check out me other reviews at https://thecaptainsquartersblog.wordp...
August 14, 2019
3,5 stars. I wanted to read this book as soon as I saw it (thanks to one of my goodreads friends), but I'll admit I expected more of it. This is a very short book for an important matter where I think there's much more to say, but I'll give the author the credit of 1) writing a book about it and 2) doing so pretty well. If you'd like to know more about the author and the topic of this book, you should listen to her interviews, like this one.
This book covers the stories of women who don't have kids, either by choice or not, and how it had/has an impact on their life in a society where the answer "no" is still difficult when you're a woman being asked if you have kids. I would have liked more stories, about more different women and more different situations, because like I said, I think there's much more to say about this social taboo. There's an interesting discussion about it, as well as advice on end of life care, which is important of course, but I think the main discussion about not having children, people's reactions, other relationships with children (I was very touched by that part since I love children and have a very strong relationship with my goddaughter) etc should have been longer.
I would have liked a book that would have been speaking more to me and most of all, a longer book covering this topic with more stories and a longer discussion since I truly think there's so much we can and should say, however I still recommend it to every woman who doesn't want or can't have children, because you might feel a connection with one of those women and because the book itself is still interesting. But most of all, I'd like people who do want or who do have children to read it and maybe understand a thing or two.
This book covers the stories of women who don't have kids, either by choice or not, and how it had/has an impact on their life in a society where the answer "no" is still difficult when you're a woman being asked if you have kids. I would have liked more stories, about more different women and more different situations, because like I said, I think there's much more to say about this social taboo. There's an interesting discussion about it, as well as advice on end of life care, which is important of course, but I think the main discussion about not having children, people's reactions, other relationships with children (I was very touched by that part since I love children and have a very strong relationship with my goddaughter) etc should have been longer.
I would have liked a book that would have been speaking more to me and most of all, a longer book covering this topic with more stories and a longer discussion since I truly think there's so much we can and should say, however I still recommend it to every woman who doesn't want or can't have children, because you might feel a connection with one of those women and because the book itself is still interesting. But most of all, I'd like people who do want or who do have children to read it and maybe understand a thing or two.
August 26, 2019
I’ve never felt strongly one way or the other about having children, and because of that, I’ve never had any. It was never really a big deal until I turned 30 and started feeling the pressure– not only of my biological clock, but also of society’s expectations. I still haven’t fully resolved this issue for myself, and it’s a difficult thing to talk about in general (especially in Utah: a highly religious state full of mothers and babies), so I thought I’d do what I do best: find a book (or seventeen) that will help me digest my own emotions and navigate what can be a very lonesome and confusing path at times.
I knew I’d like this book after reading the very first chapter; Kaufmann does a wonderful job framing one of the biggest problems with being a childfree or childless woman in today’s world: isolation and lack of direction. Women with children are guided and lovingly supported by their own mothers and other women who have had children of their own. They’re given advice, congratulations, celebration, and tradition. They’re given a path to walk.
But those of us who have no children? We don’t get access to those same clubs. We’re not given sage advice or paths to walk. We’re often pushed to the side or forgotten completely as, one by one, the women around us have babies and disappear into the abyss of motherhood. We’re viewed as selfish, immature, or worthy of pity. We fewer role models and examples of what a fulfilling, incredible, worthy childfree life can look like. We’re told that we don’t know what love is because we’ve never looked into the eyes of our own little human.
It’s lonely, not because it has to be, but because we live in a society that has made it so.
For anyone else living a childfree life, I would highly suggest this book! Not only does Kaufmann share many great stories from other childfree and childless women, she provides practical resources and ideas to experiment with in our own lives.
I’d also highly recommend this book for moms who are wondering how they can better understand and support their childfree or childless friends/relatives/loved ones. It’s a quick, easy read and definitely worth the investment.
I knew I’d like this book after reading the very first chapter; Kaufmann does a wonderful job framing one of the biggest problems with being a childfree or childless woman in today’s world: isolation and lack of direction. Women with children are guided and lovingly supported by their own mothers and other women who have had children of their own. They’re given advice, congratulations, celebration, and tradition. They’re given a path to walk.
But those of us who have no children? We don’t get access to those same clubs. We’re not given sage advice or paths to walk. We’re often pushed to the side or forgotten completely as, one by one, the women around us have babies and disappear into the abyss of motherhood. We’re viewed as selfish, immature, or worthy of pity. We fewer role models and examples of what a fulfilling, incredible, worthy childfree life can look like. We’re told that we don’t know what love is because we’ve never looked into the eyes of our own little human.
It’s lonely, not because it has to be, but because we live in a society that has made it so.
For anyone else living a childfree life, I would highly suggest this book! Not only does Kaufmann share many great stories from other childfree and childless women, she provides practical resources and ideas to experiment with in our own lives.
I’d also highly recommend this book for moms who are wondering how they can better understand and support their childfree or childless friends/relatives/loved ones. It’s a quick, easy read and definitely worth the investment.
April 1, 2019
Being childfree by choice is not very common in the conservative Midwest where I live. Saying "I don't want kids" is almost akin to saying "I hate them, I hate them all." But that doesn't have to be true. I'm a member of several Facebook groups and have read several books about women who actually really like kids but don't want their own for one reason or another. I wish there wasn't such a stigma surrounding not having kids.
This book covers many topics - from being a "stepgrandmother" to aging and finding care for yourself late in life. It's an interesting read, and I'm glad books like this are out there. Thank you, Netgalley, for this arc.
This book covers many topics - from being a "stepgrandmother" to aging and finding care for yourself late in life. It's an interesting read, and I'm glad books like this are out there. Thank you, Netgalley, for this arc.
June 6, 2019
3.5
Thank you @jkscommunications for sending me this book to review! While it wasn’t perfect, I do think it’s worth picking up to open up the conversation more around a topic that many people still find awkward. I know from experience how awkward it is trying to justify your choice not to have children to people who can’t understand why, and of course there are those women for whom children are not an option due to biology, and senseless questions of ‘Why don’t you have kids?’ can trigger painful memories for them.
.
The first few chapters of this book are really strong and fascinating, as Kaufmann relays various stories from women she’s been in contact with while researching. They all share their stories of why they haven’t got kids, ranging from wanting to focus on their career, spirituality, religion, lifestyle and inability to conceive for various reasons. Some were sad, some funny, and of course they’re all real people, so all were interesting insights into childless or childfree lives (the distinction being that the former is by chance, the latter by choice). I was really shocked by some of it, such as when one of Kaufmann’s friends essentially ended their friendship because she ‘couldn’t keep up with her’ childlessness when she (the friend) had kids.
.
Then further in Kaufmann explores issues such as medical side effects of not having kids, what options there are for wills and ways childfree/less people donate their assets after they die, end of life care, living situations, religion. While interesting, I found this middle section a little uneven, filled with stats and statistics and a lot of sociology. There was also an odd juxtaposition of style and content, where Kaufmann would use oddly flowery phrases, almost trying to create drama, where more straightforward language would have been better.
.
Despite my niggles with non fiction, I really would recommend this one, I think it could help a lot of people empathise with and understand those of us who do not want children and those who cannot, and it’s always important to read about experiences different from our own.
Thank you @jkscommunications for sending me this book to review! While it wasn’t perfect, I do think it’s worth picking up to open up the conversation more around a topic that many people still find awkward. I know from experience how awkward it is trying to justify your choice not to have children to people who can’t understand why, and of course there are those women for whom children are not an option due to biology, and senseless questions of ‘Why don’t you have kids?’ can trigger painful memories for them.
.
The first few chapters of this book are really strong and fascinating, as Kaufmann relays various stories from women she’s been in contact with while researching. They all share their stories of why they haven’t got kids, ranging from wanting to focus on their career, spirituality, religion, lifestyle and inability to conceive for various reasons. Some were sad, some funny, and of course they’re all real people, so all were interesting insights into childless or childfree lives (the distinction being that the former is by chance, the latter by choice). I was really shocked by some of it, such as when one of Kaufmann’s friends essentially ended their friendship because she ‘couldn’t keep up with her’ childlessness when she (the friend) had kids.
.
Then further in Kaufmann explores issues such as medical side effects of not having kids, what options there are for wills and ways childfree/less people donate their assets after they die, end of life care, living situations, religion. While interesting, I found this middle section a little uneven, filled with stats and statistics and a lot of sociology. There was also an odd juxtaposition of style and content, where Kaufmann would use oddly flowery phrases, almost trying to create drama, where more straightforward language would have been better.
.
Despite my niggles with non fiction, I really would recommend this one, I think it could help a lot of people empathise with and understand those of us who do not want children and those who cannot, and it’s always important to read about experiences different from our own.
January 24, 2019
I was really excited when I saw this book available for request: its a subject that is near and dear to my heart as a childfree woman, and its not really something that has been previously discussed much. It’s still so taboo in our culture.
This book takes that taboo on headfirst, bringing the stories of women who are childless either by choice or by chance, and talking about how that situation impacts their lives, through relationships with friends and the children that inevitably come into their lives in different ways.
I appreciated that the book focused on the women themselves and the things that they have accomplished, rather than focusing totally on their status as childless women. Yes, being without children is a part of our lives, but there are a lot of other things that we can accomplish outside of motherhood.
I also liked that the author made it a point to sample a large crosssection of women - in age, occupation reason for not having become a mother - as it allows any woman reading the book and looking at it through their own lens to find someone in a similar position as them.
Overall, this book was a great volume on a subject that needs to be discussed more. Hopefully the more people like the author put these stories out there, the less taboo it will become.
This book takes that taboo on headfirst, bringing the stories of women who are childless either by choice or by chance, and talking about how that situation impacts their lives, through relationships with friends and the children that inevitably come into their lives in different ways.
I appreciated that the book focused on the women themselves and the things that they have accomplished, rather than focusing totally on their status as childless women. Yes, being without children is a part of our lives, but there are a lot of other things that we can accomplish outside of motherhood.
I also liked that the author made it a point to sample a large crosssection of women - in age, occupation reason for not having become a mother - as it allows any woman reading the book and looking at it through their own lens to find someone in a similar position as them.
Overall, this book was a great volume on a subject that needs to be discussed more. Hopefully the more people like the author put these stories out there, the less taboo it will become.
March 3, 2020
Recently, I was cornered in an awkward social situation by a Boomer who took about five minutes to describe her three grown children to me. She spoke warmly first about the two who gave her grandchildren. Then she described, in unkind terms, her childfree-child who was “married to her career.” The woman then smiled and asked me, “Do you have kids?”
In this book, I appreciated most the use of the term “mombardment” and the notion of “mom bingo.” These concepts refer to folks who lead conversations with discussions of their children, make assumptions about the reproductive lives of others, and shame women for not breeding. Those terms perfectly describe the situation I had just encountered, and that I have encountered for the past three decades of my childfree life. The book even gives practical advice about how to interact in these situations, which I very much appreciated.
I liked more the sections on how moms can have successful relationships with not-moms. My best friend has two children, and I love her and them dearly, but there are times that conversations become sharp around the edges when our expectations and values aren’t aligned.
I liked less the chapters about religion and estate planning.
In this book, I appreciated most the use of the term “mombardment” and the notion of “mom bingo.” These concepts refer to folks who lead conversations with discussions of their children, make assumptions about the reproductive lives of others, and shame women for not breeding. Those terms perfectly describe the situation I had just encountered, and that I have encountered for the past three decades of my childfree life. The book even gives practical advice about how to interact in these situations, which I very much appreciated.
I liked more the sections on how moms can have successful relationships with not-moms. My best friend has two children, and I love her and them dearly, but there are times that conversations become sharp around the edges when our expectations and values aren’t aligned.
I liked less the chapters about religion and estate planning.
December 5, 2020
I've been trying to come up with a thorough review for this particular book for quite a while now... With as much effort and time that was invested in this book, that's the least it deserves.
I'm a non-mom. A dog mom, but a non-mom. And the reasons are medical and the resulting mental state is depressing, and so when I saw the title of this book, I snatched it right up. The stigma talked about in this book is real. The prejudice is real. I wish more people would read this so that they can look at childlessness, whether by choice or by force, with newly clear eyes. Its so educational, yet in such a compassionate way, you almost don't realize you're sitting there getting schooled. I walked away from Do You Have Kids feeling like I just talked with a girlfriend... Its a really special book.
Thanks Netgalley for giving me the PDF so that I can share my thoughts and opinions with y'all 💛
I'm a non-mom. A dog mom, but a non-mom. And the reasons are medical and the resulting mental state is depressing, and so when I saw the title of this book, I snatched it right up. The stigma talked about in this book is real. The prejudice is real. I wish more people would read this so that they can look at childlessness, whether by choice or by force, with newly clear eyes. Its so educational, yet in such a compassionate way, you almost don't realize you're sitting there getting schooled. I walked away from Do You Have Kids feeling like I just talked with a girlfriend... Its a really special book.
Thanks Netgalley for giving me the PDF so that I can share my thoughts and opinions with y'all 💛
February 14, 2019
She Writes Press, 2019. As a writer and blogger about childlessness, I sometimes feel that every book on the subject is basically the same, but Kaufmann’s book, coming out in April, offers a refreshing new take on the subject. She gives equal space to both the childless by the choice and the childless by chance and does not linger on the baby/no baby choice, but dives right into what it’s like when you don’t have children in a world where four out of five women do. Skillfully blending her own experiences with those of other women plus considerable research, she tackles the realities, including work conflicts, loving other people’s children, the increased risk for cancer among women who have never given birth, how to manage growing old alone, and how to answer nosy questions about why we don’t have children. Without bogging down in facts, Kaufmann offers so much information I want to keep this book close as a reference and present copies to all those parent-people who just don’t understand. Read this one (and my own Childless by Marriage).
May 17, 2020
This book, it spoke to me, it shared my pain, it knew how I felt. I have waited so long to read this and feel validated as a woman who has chosen not to have children. I will be recommending this to all my childless friends, this really isn’t discussed enough , how we feel, how we are treated by friends and society. It’s an interesting, insightful and extremely helpful book.
Thanks to netgalley and the publisher for a free copy for an honest opinion
Thanks to netgalley and the publisher for a free copy for an honest opinion
April 4, 2019
As someone who is childfree, it was interesting for me to read the stories of a lot of different women and their life paths. The author really put a lot of work into creating this book.
It was also good to read about the different living situations, especially for older people. Eye opening and I’m glad I found this book.
I received this book from netgalley in exchange for an honest review
It was also good to read about the different living situations, especially for older people. Eye opening and I’m glad I found this book.
I received this book from netgalley in exchange for an honest review
June 19, 2019
I'm not sure why, but after I finished this book I felt kind of depressed. It's not a depressing book, but does deal a lot with uncertainty, loss, absence, etc.
September 30, 2021
This book gave me all the feels. I identified with it so well, as a child free woman, but one who works with kids all day. I have heard all the hurtful things said in the book. I’m so glad this book was written, and it came across, not as an attack to women and couples with children, but as an eye-opener. Not all people can have kids, not all people want kids and not all people are stable enough to have kids. Maybe “do you have kids” shouldn’t be a go to question to get to know people anymore. The formatting in the ebook translation needs some work, but otherwise, this was great.
Read
June 12, 2019I didn't dislike this book, but did not want to finish it. Although I find this to be my situation in life, I think I am comfortable enough being there at this point that I decided to shelve this book halfway through.
June 26, 2019
As someone who has chosen to be childfree, I was really excited to read this one. Unfortunately, it was kind of a let down and the end was pretty depressing. As the author points out there are usually two types of women without children - those who chose not to have children and those who can't have children, but may have wanted them. The author falls into the second camp and I think that fact makes the focus of the book lean more in that direction. She spends a lot of time talking about step-parenting, step-grandparenting, finding other children to invest in, etc. I never wanted kids and I don't want to be a teacher or caregiver for children either. I don't feel like I have to invest in children in some way to be valuable. I do like that she gets into more day-to-day issues like housing options for single or childfree people as they age, dealing with end of life issues and wills, how having children or not can affect your health, what will your legacy be, etc. The chapter on religion and not having children was interesting, but also disappointing to me. I felt like she kind of glossed over how hard it can be to be childfree in a religious community - or maybe that's just been my issue. It was an interesting book, but I felt like it leaned more toward people who really wanted kids and couldn't have them and learned to deal with being childless. I also agreed with another reviewer who said the ending of the book left her feeling depressed - maybe because the last two chapters dealt with end of life planning and leaving your legacy. But, I guess reading this book kind of reiterated how I already feel - I do NOT regret not having children, but it's been very isolating for me. I know very few childfree couples, especially in any churches I've attended, and I've found it very, very hard to maintain friendships once the friend has children. The author really didn't give me a lot of hope of that changing. It is an interesting book, but I wouldn't really recommend it.
Some quotes I liked:
"Abma and Martinez's study was cited to in an article titled, 'Childless and Godless,' published in The Family in America: A Journal of Public Policy. Authors Bryce J. Christiansen and Robert W. Patterson summed up the study's finding by saying, 'This study highlights - among other things - the sterilizing consequences of irreligion.' It's ridiculous to suggest that those without children would have procreated if only they'd remained regular churchgoers...some of us have found the church less than welcoming." (p. 151-52)
"The Pope made a distinction between the childless and the childfree. He suggested that couples who are unsuccessful having children 'look to Jesus and draw on the fertility that Christ has with His Church.' However, he didn't mince words when it came to the childfree. 'These couples who do not want children, in which the spouses want to remain without fertility...in the end this marriage comes to old age in solitude, with the bitterness of loneliness. It is not fruitful, it does not do what Jesus does with His Church: He makes His Church fruitful.'" (p. 156) [Yes, I LOVE taking advice on whether or not to have children from the Pope who also does not have children who repeatedly cites Jesus, who also did NOT have children...]
"In fact, researcher Leslie Ashbury-Nardo found that those who go against cultural stereotypes by intentionally choosing not to have kids can be met with what researchers refer to as 'moral outrage.'" (p. 237) [People don't like it when other people live outside the box they choose to live in.]
Some quotes I liked:
"Abma and Martinez's study was cited to in an article titled, 'Childless and Godless,' published in The Family in America: A Journal of Public Policy. Authors Bryce J. Christiansen and Robert W. Patterson summed up the study's finding by saying, 'This study highlights - among other things - the sterilizing consequences of irreligion.' It's ridiculous to suggest that those without children would have procreated if only they'd remained regular churchgoers...some of us have found the church less than welcoming." (p. 151-52)
"The Pope made a distinction between the childless and the childfree. He suggested that couples who are unsuccessful having children 'look to Jesus and draw on the fertility that Christ has with His Church.' However, he didn't mince words when it came to the childfree. 'These couples who do not want children, in which the spouses want to remain without fertility...in the end this marriage comes to old age in solitude, with the bitterness of loneliness. It is not fruitful, it does not do what Jesus does with His Church: He makes His Church fruitful.'" (p. 156) [Yes, I LOVE taking advice on whether or not to have children from the Pope who also does not have children who repeatedly cites Jesus, who also did NOT have children...]
"In fact, researcher Leslie Ashbury-Nardo found that those who go against cultural stereotypes by intentionally choosing not to have kids can be met with what researchers refer to as 'moral outrage.'" (p. 237) [People don't like it when other people live outside the box they choose to live in.]
February 9, 2019
I wanted to read this book because like the woman in this book I also have no children and wanted to see what other woman had to say about their reasons why they don’t have children,I found it very informative and a definite read for those like us that don’t have kids for one reason or another ......I believe it’d even be interesting to those that do have children........
March 28, 2019
This was such a relatable book. Even though I felt like the target audience of Do You Have Kids?: Life When the Answer is No is for older women without kids, or women experiencing infertility, I could really understand and relate to most of the life stories featured in this book. It also made me feel less ashamed of my (current) desire to being childfree (I might change my mind about having kids in the future though).
“Do you have kids?”
I’ve been asked this question a handful of times since I graduated from University and joined the workforce a few years ago. My first (internal) reaction would always be: “How old do you think I am?! I’m not old enough and financially stable enough to start a family!” But I get it. Two of my coworkers just came back from mat leave and four other coworkers have kids ranging between the ages of 3 and 7. Office talk always revolves around kids, their extracurricular activities, their achievements, their toys, their everything. Which can get kind of awkward for a non-mom such as myself because I know absolutely nothing about babies and kids.
And then there’s my mom. This is going to sound really weird but my mom has beenhinting pestering me about wanting grandkids since my elementary school days. Her eagerness for grandchildren has basically scared me into childlessness. Now, she’ll lament to whoever will listen that she will probably never have grandkids (probably in an attempt to guilt trip me into producing a grandbaby for her).
Anyways, although the personal stories in this book are nowhere near as ridiculous as mine, I appreciated reading empowering stories about women who couldn’t have kids, women who missed the opportunity to have kids, women who sacrificed having children in order to pursue a career that they wanted, women who helped raise other people’s kids, and women who simply didn’t want to have kids.
This book also offered a very interesting discussion on the social taboo of being childless or childfree and asked questions I never knew to ask. Now that I think about it, I actually have a handful of aunts and uncles who are without children - whether it is by choice or circumstance, I don’t know. It’s not something my family ever talks about. It’s something I never really thought about as being taboo but I suppose, subconsciously, we would classify it as a topic that’s too personal to discuss in an everyday conversation. It also begs the question - what constitutes a family? If you are married but have no kids, are you still a “family”?
Finally, this book offers some useful tips on how to be a single childless woman - planning a will, prevent loneliness, etc. as well as tips on how to interact with people without kids and people with kids.
Overall, I found this book to be well researched with a nice blend of facts, statistics and personal stories.
Suggestions for the next book: “Are You Married? Life When the Answer is No.”
Thank you Netgalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review
*** #30 of my 2019 Popsugar Reading Challenge - A book with a question in the title ***
“Do you have kids?”
I’ve been asked this question a handful of times since I graduated from University and joined the workforce a few years ago. My first (internal) reaction would always be: “How old do you think I am?! I’m not old enough and financially stable enough to start a family!” But I get it. Two of my coworkers just came back from mat leave and four other coworkers have kids ranging between the ages of 3 and 7. Office talk always revolves around kids, their extracurricular activities, their achievements, their toys, their everything. Which can get kind of awkward for a non-mom such as myself because I know absolutely nothing about babies and kids.
And then there’s my mom. This is going to sound really weird but my mom has been
Anyways, although the personal stories in this book are nowhere near as ridiculous as mine, I appreciated reading empowering stories about women who couldn’t have kids, women who missed the opportunity to have kids, women who sacrificed having children in order to pursue a career that they wanted, women who helped raise other people’s kids, and women who simply didn’t want to have kids.
This book also offered a very interesting discussion on the social taboo of being childless or childfree and asked questions I never knew to ask. Now that I think about it, I actually have a handful of aunts and uncles who are without children - whether it is by choice or circumstance, I don’t know. It’s not something my family ever talks about. It’s something I never really thought about as being taboo but I suppose, subconsciously, we would classify it as a topic that’s too personal to discuss in an everyday conversation. It also begs the question - what constitutes a family? If you are married but have no kids, are you still a “family”?
Finally, this book offers some useful tips on how to be a single childless woman - planning a will, prevent loneliness, etc. as well as tips on how to interact with people without kids and people with kids.
Overall, I found this book to be well researched with a nice blend of facts, statistics and personal stories.
Suggestions for the next book: “Are You Married? Life When the Answer is No.”
Thank you Netgalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review
*** #30 of my 2019 Popsugar Reading Challenge - A book with a question in the title ***
June 10, 2019
As a woman who has made the conscious choice not to have children myself, I was naturally excited when I saw this book. It's not a topic you'd just ask another childless woman about, in case her story is a painful one for her. I know my own reasons. But I've always wished I could talk to other women about it, too. So when I saw this book, I immediately bought it and started reading.
However, unfortunately, it fell a bit short for me.
The focus of this book is mainly on women who would really have wanted children, but for reasons of circumstance (say, no partner, no money, abusive situation etc.) or health (infertility, cancer etc.) either couldn't while they were fertile or HAD to decide against them.
So for someone who wants to learn more about those experiences, this book would certainly be a rich source, but it didn't quite offer what I wanted from it.
It also focuses heavily on ways women without children arrange their lives without them, in terms of housing, ersatz families, ageing etc, sometimes in great detail, which was simply not interesting to me. And, being written by an American for an American target audience, some of it just didn't match my own experiences as a European very well, but I can hardly blame the book for that.
If you are interested in the points mentioned above, I would definitely recommend this book, and I do commend it for breaching this topic at all. We still tend to pretend it either doesn't exist, or that all childless women are either selfish careerists or barren; and we tend to see children as a necessary part for a woman's life to be valid, much more so than for a man's.
While it didn't quite deliver what I had been looking for, I do hope it sparks a debate that will lead to more books on the subject and encourage more women to come forward with their stories.
However, unfortunately, it fell a bit short for me.
The focus of this book is mainly on women who would really have wanted children, but for reasons of circumstance (say, no partner, no money, abusive situation etc.) or health (infertility, cancer etc.) either couldn't while they were fertile or HAD to decide against them.
So for someone who wants to learn more about those experiences, this book would certainly be a rich source, but it didn't quite offer what I wanted from it.
It also focuses heavily on ways women without children arrange their lives without them, in terms of housing, ersatz families, ageing etc, sometimes in great detail, which was simply not interesting to me. And, being written by an American for an American target audience, some of it just didn't match my own experiences as a European very well, but I can hardly blame the book for that.
If you are interested in the points mentioned above, I would definitely recommend this book, and I do commend it for breaching this topic at all. We still tend to pretend it either doesn't exist, or that all childless women are either selfish careerists or barren; and we tend to see children as a necessary part for a woman's life to be valid, much more so than for a man's.
While it didn't quite deliver what I had been looking for, I do hope it sparks a debate that will lead to more books on the subject and encourage more women to come forward with their stories.
June 26, 2020
For a book about not having kids, this one sure did focus an awful lot on how to have kids in your life (apparently by weaseling your way into the lives of the children of your family and friends and trying to become their surrogate parents). There was a lot of information here on how "sad" our lives will be since we will have nobody to take care of us if we get sick or old (newsflash: having a child doesn't guarantee they will take care of you either), as well as how we are all going to get cancer and die because we didn't use our reproductive organs (EYEROLL).
I expected more. WAY more, and WAY better. How about focusing a bit more on the actual joy and fulfillment that childfree people can and do find in their lives? How about going more in-depth on why people are choosing not to have children? Maybe more discussion about how to normalize this choice? This seemed to be written as either an attempt to convince people to just have kids already, or a personal lament at not having children. Who is really the audience for this?
Finally, the incessant use of the word "mum" instead of "mom" (as we say here in the US, which is where the author apparently lives and where all of her interview subjects live) was incredibly distracting.
TL;DR: Not for me, nor probably anyone who gladly opted out of parenthood.
I expected more. WAY more, and WAY better. How about focusing a bit more on the actual joy and fulfillment that childfree people can and do find in their lives? How about going more in-depth on why people are choosing not to have children? Maybe more discussion about how to normalize this choice? This seemed to be written as either an attempt to convince people to just have kids already, or a personal lament at not having children. Who is really the audience for this?
Finally, the incessant use of the word "mum" instead of "mom" (as we say here in the US, which is where the author apparently lives and where all of her interview subjects live) was incredibly distracting.
TL;DR: Not for me, nor probably anyone who gladly opted out of parenthood.
July 9, 2019
I appreciated reading from women about this topic, however I hadn't related to them regarding my personal experience. If someone asks me why I don't have kids I consider it differently. It's as if someone asked me "Why don't you ski?" or "Why don't you read military historical reference books about tanks?" The answer is the same as why I don't have kids. I know those hobbies are out there, but they just haven't interested me. I don't think I ever saw having kids as something I should consider as a default thing all people must do. I didn't read about any women who said "Well why would you ask me why I should have had kids?"
However, I'm glad these women were interviewed and that their input was given to this make this book. It's an interesting book. I really feel for the women who feel that it was a struggle in life to make this decision to not have kids.
However, I'm glad these women were interviewed and that their input was given to this make this book. It's an interesting book. I really feel for the women who feel that it was a struggle in life to make this decision to not have kids.
August 23, 2019
Once again another good book about woman not having children, but once again another good book that doesn’t exactly pertain to me. This book focuses more on woman who don’t have children because they can’t, and those who choose not to because of deep personal reasons, rather than they just don’t want to. Which is the category I fall into. I guess I just don’t relate to the struggle. My husband and I chose not to have children just because. It’s not that I don’t like children, we just don’t want any of our own. I don’t feel like I need to fill a void or something is missing. I’m not sure why I even continue to read books like these knowing that I’m content in my decision. I guess I’m looking for some validation of normalcy and haven’t found it yet, but I guess not having kids just because you don’t want to wouldn’t make for a very good book.
August 26, 2021
透過閱讀這本書，幫助我用許多不同的視角和許多不同的生活去思考要不要擁有自己的小孩。
作者參加許多團體活動或工作坊，可以看到獨身的人會討論的議題，還有會遇到什麼苦惱的事。
其實發現蠻多議題無關有沒有小孩，例如老年孤獨之類，有小孩也不見得就不孤獨，所以無論有沒有小孩的人都能從中參考大家在中老年後如何選擇生活的方式。
也看到許多不生小孩的原因，有自己決定的，也有因為生理因素的。
關於自己決定的族群，原因很多樣化，有可能是因為從小就幫忙照顧弟妹已累，也有早年因為車禍失去父母而對生小孩沒安全感的人，或是從後悔生小孩的自己母親認識到對生孩子這件事的後悔。
沒有小孩可以享受著自由與獨立的快樂，但到了老年時，就要及早為一些可能的失能規劃好代理人或臨終指示。
後記收錄了沒生孩子的人該如何面對一個美國人在社交活動時很愛問的問題：「妳有小孩嗎？」
看得都覺得很重視社團和鄰里關係的美國人好累，需要為不熟的人問出私密問題時想好多法子。
完整心得文：https://jujuchu.com/do-you-have-kids-...
作者參加許多團體活動或工作坊，可以看到獨身的人會討論的議題，還有會遇到什麼苦惱的事。
其實發現蠻多議題無關有沒有小孩，例如老年孤獨之類，有小孩也不見得就不孤獨，所以無論有沒有小孩的人都能從中參考大家在中老年後如何選擇生活的方式。
也看到許多不生小孩的原因，有自己決定的，也有因為生理因素的。
關於自己決定的族群，原因很多樣化，有可能是因為從小就幫忙照顧弟妹已累，也有早年因為車禍失去父母而對生小孩沒安全感的人，或是從後悔生小孩的自己母親認識到對生孩子這件事的後悔。
沒有小孩可以享受著自由與獨立的快樂，但到了老年時，就要及早為一些可能的失能規劃好代理人或臨終指示。
後記收錄了沒生孩子的人該如何面對一個美國人在社交活動時很愛問的問題：「妳有小孩嗎？」
看得都覺得很重視社團和鄰里關係的美國人好累，需要為不熟的人問出私密問題時想好多法子。
完整心得文：https://jujuchu.com/do-you-have-kids-...
June 2, 2020
Curse you Goodreads for not having half stars - I am very torn and think this gets 3.5.
When first becoming acquainted with this book, I was a little worried. As I electronically turned the pages on my NetGalley ARC, it seemed like the narrative was full of potential, with the progress impeded by old values. What I mean by this is that though Kaufmann was strong in her desire to start a conversation about childlessness, it seemed difficult for her to have this conversation while simultaneously breaking old patterns of talking about it that have been socially ingrained in to her opinions. An example of this is the way that the author seems to consistently balance the lack of desire to have a child with a close bond of some other kind – possibly to insist that said non-mum in question is in fact nurturing and capable of deep bond. Doesn’t this further perpetuate the nurturance myth and state that even when we do not choose to have children we can not help but be warm and nurturing? I am wondering if the perpetuated myth is not that we should borne children, but that we should be inherently nurturing. Another example of this is the general leaning toward the idea that we non-mums for the most part do not actively choose to be childless and that we don’t make the decision until biology makes it for us. I would argue that actively not making a decision is more similar to making one than people would assume. It doesn’t seem natural to declare publicly on your 28th birthday that you have no desire and will never have a desire to reproduce. That’s just not going to happen – but it does not mean that we have not decided for ourselves in a less concrete way. These examples, as well as some other small ones, initially gave me the general vibe that this book was full of progressive ideas steeped in old values. I do say all of this in past tense because as reading time passed, I became less rigid in my perception and more comfortable with the writing style. Some of my presumptions began to dissolve.
The language in the book played a role in winning me over. Kaufmann speaks her words with such grace, such peace, that I often put the book down feeling like I had just had a deep discussion with one of my girlfriends. As our lives continue to grow and differ, I haven’t been able to talk to my friends on the same level as maybe I was able to in our teen years and early adulthood. Being reminded of this deep feeling of peace and connection reminds me that I need to continue strengthening connections with those around me. Kaufman is so delicate in her choice of words, you can tell she puts active thought into how to not hurt others. The first notable example of this that I wrote down is from page 12, “First, a word or two about words. The words we use when referring to each other matter. So it grieves me to say there’s no good word in the English language for a women who hasn’t had children.” This sets the trajectory of not-being-sure-but-trying-to-be-correct language debacle that most compassionate individuals encounter when addressing a human who lives much differently than they do. I appreciate Kaufmann’s relentless pursuit to sift through this language to find phrases and ways of relating that are humanizing and express the desire to understand. Near the end of the book, we are introduced to the common adjectives that are used to describe intentionally childless women, and these include: “materialistic, immature, emotionally unstable, selfish, less likely to be happy and satisfied.” By the time we reach this part of the book, however, we are armed with how to combat these automatic assumptions, and we non-mums already feel less offended and more willing to work through these perceptions. On the topic of language, perception and discussion, I will conclude by stating that Kauffman also includes an afterword with step-by-step tips about how to interact with others when discussing childlessness, and has unique subsections for different types of interactions and settings. It’s a very hands on way to change the way that we talk about childlessness and I think even just that part is worth the read for anyone seeking advice or clarity on how to navigate such discussions.
The general writing pattern of the book is anecdotal stories and discussions with childless (by nature or by choice) women interspersed with general facts about not being a mother. The testimonials are short and this has both advantages and disadvantages. By being brief, there is less room for boredom, but there is also less room for a sense of connection, and connection is what I want when I am talking to other women about this subject. I realize that this thought is in direct opposition to my earlier statement of feeling like I just spoke with my girlfriends, but I wanted this feeling more thoroughly when reading if that makes sense. The facts in the book, on the flipside, aren’t overly revelatory or hard to find on Google. I think the way that these were inserted pulled me out of the lives of these women a little. While the writing style is this dichotomy, each chapter is discussing a separate sub-issue of childlessness. Examples of these sub-topics include how childlessness affects your career, where you choose to live, your relationships with your friends, etc. Each of these chapters was unique from the others and well laid out so that you knew specifically what sub-topic we were entrenched in.
One that stood out to me was the discussion of academic and passionate pursuits delaying breeding, P.23 “I am a mother. I’m a mother to my work. I give life to my work and to my relationships”, P. 35 “ I do have some sadness about not having children, but I don’t feel regret. Maybe that will come later on. But if I never wrote a book, now that would be really bad.” I am still pondering whether the author is implying that we mostly need to replace our nurturing with other pursuits. She does place an emphasis on careers, independence and friendships as filler for not having a child and this leaves me to wonder what things are supposed to look like for someone who does not have those things either – are they still allowed to be happy Singletons? Or is that right only dubbed to those who have effectively replaced nurturance with something equally as fruitful?
A subtopic that pulled directly on my heartstrings was the general discussion of the way that this affects our partners and the way that our intimate relationship is. The only times that I had truly pondered having children were times in which I felt so in love with a partner that I felt that it would be worth it to give that to them and sacrifice a life of joy to give one to them (stupid, yes, and I’m glad I didn’t have a baby with any of those guys, but still). Having children together is a way of furthering deep love and I do hope that my loves continue to have that depth even though we do not have children together. On page 36, we are directly connected with an individual after she lost her spouse. “The saddest thing was that there was nothing left of my love”. This statement was interesting and hard-hitting for me because the times that I have considered having a child were purely partner based. I have not yet fully pondered the fact that I am actively not deciding until that in itself becomes a decision. This idea gave me some power to confront some of my old ideas about what I want in my life. The discussion of partners also includes the story of a woman who is casually dating her husband of many years and is very happy with this arrangement. This made me ponder that there are many different types of love and being together and that not following the formula doesn’t mean you won’t get the right answer for you. I see a casual relationship with a lot of love as more fitting into my life than a 24/7 partnership and now I am aware and find comfort in the fact that there are other women who feel this way, too.
I can’t mention my favourite chapters without touching on one that was unexpected and shocking. There is a subsection in the very middle of the book specifically dedicated to educating readers on the statistically higher chance of being diagnosed with cancer in a life with no children. This strange little chapter of pure fear is centered directly in the middle of all the other chapters and touches very clinically on this ‘cruel irony.’ It’s unsettling that a disproportionate amount of childless women have ovarian and breast cancer and that there is very little research into why this occurs. Kaufmann states, if somewhat dramatically, .P. 151 ”I’m haunted by the fact that those of us who haven’t borne children get proportionately more breast, ovarian, and uterine cancer than mums do. “I can’t shake a disturbing image of a panel of judges, each rendering his verdict that we non-mums are guilty of some crime we never committed, and cancer is a fitting consequence for failing to reproduce ourselves.” I’m not sure what else to say about that one, besides ‘Jesus Christ’.
There are some hard hitting statistics in here, and even though the author does sometimes repeat statistics, it doesn’t lessen their impact for me. I learned that a third of the women interviewed had witnessed the birth of a child, and that a significant number of new Moms experience a 1.4 unit drop on a happiness scale in the two years after having a child – this happiness drop is higher than those attributed to divorce and the death of a partner. This significant loss of well – being in the first two years makes me think ‘yep, this is the right decision for me. I would be that person who is miserable for the first two years and then depressed for the next five over missing the first two. Can’t do.’. As the language, the structure, and the general reading experience of this book for me fades, I know that these statistics, these lessens, and these ways that I have further understood myself and the women around me are impossible to forget.
Check it out if you wanna, or don’t! This book was published on April, 2, 2019, and I read it on NetGalley
When first becoming acquainted with this book, I was a little worried. As I electronically turned the pages on my NetGalley ARC, it seemed like the narrative was full of potential, with the progress impeded by old values. What I mean by this is that though Kaufmann was strong in her desire to start a conversation about childlessness, it seemed difficult for her to have this conversation while simultaneously breaking old patterns of talking about it that have been socially ingrained in to her opinions. An example of this is the way that the author seems to consistently balance the lack of desire to have a child with a close bond of some other kind – possibly to insist that said non-mum in question is in fact nurturing and capable of deep bond. Doesn’t this further perpetuate the nurturance myth and state that even when we do not choose to have children we can not help but be warm and nurturing? I am wondering if the perpetuated myth is not that we should borne children, but that we should be inherently nurturing. Another example of this is the general leaning toward the idea that we non-mums for the most part do not actively choose to be childless and that we don’t make the decision until biology makes it for us. I would argue that actively not making a decision is more similar to making one than people would assume. It doesn’t seem natural to declare publicly on your 28th birthday that you have no desire and will never have a desire to reproduce. That’s just not going to happen – but it does not mean that we have not decided for ourselves in a less concrete way. These examples, as well as some other small ones, initially gave me the general vibe that this book was full of progressive ideas steeped in old values. I do say all of this in past tense because as reading time passed, I became less rigid in my perception and more comfortable with the writing style. Some of my presumptions began to dissolve.
The language in the book played a role in winning me over. Kaufmann speaks her words with such grace, such peace, that I often put the book down feeling like I had just had a deep discussion with one of my girlfriends. As our lives continue to grow and differ, I haven’t been able to talk to my friends on the same level as maybe I was able to in our teen years and early adulthood. Being reminded of this deep feeling of peace and connection reminds me that I need to continue strengthening connections with those around me. Kaufman is so delicate in her choice of words, you can tell she puts active thought into how to not hurt others. The first notable example of this that I wrote down is from page 12, “First, a word or two about words. The words we use when referring to each other matter. So it grieves me to say there’s no good word in the English language for a women who hasn’t had children.” This sets the trajectory of not-being-sure-but-trying-to-be-correct language debacle that most compassionate individuals encounter when addressing a human who lives much differently than they do. I appreciate Kaufmann’s relentless pursuit to sift through this language to find phrases and ways of relating that are humanizing and express the desire to understand. Near the end of the book, we are introduced to the common adjectives that are used to describe intentionally childless women, and these include: “materialistic, immature, emotionally unstable, selfish, less likely to be happy and satisfied.” By the time we reach this part of the book, however, we are armed with how to combat these automatic assumptions, and we non-mums already feel less offended and more willing to work through these perceptions. On the topic of language, perception and discussion, I will conclude by stating that Kauffman also includes an afterword with step-by-step tips about how to interact with others when discussing childlessness, and has unique subsections for different types of interactions and settings. It’s a very hands on way to change the way that we talk about childlessness and I think even just that part is worth the read for anyone seeking advice or clarity on how to navigate such discussions.
The general writing pattern of the book is anecdotal stories and discussions with childless (by nature or by choice) women interspersed with general facts about not being a mother. The testimonials are short and this has both advantages and disadvantages. By being brief, there is less room for boredom, but there is also less room for a sense of connection, and connection is what I want when I am talking to other women about this subject. I realize that this thought is in direct opposition to my earlier statement of feeling like I just spoke with my girlfriends, but I wanted this feeling more thoroughly when reading if that makes sense. The facts in the book, on the flipside, aren’t overly revelatory or hard to find on Google. I think the way that these were inserted pulled me out of the lives of these women a little. While the writing style is this dichotomy, each chapter is discussing a separate sub-issue of childlessness. Examples of these sub-topics include how childlessness affects your career, where you choose to live, your relationships with your friends, etc. Each of these chapters was unique from the others and well laid out so that you knew specifically what sub-topic we were entrenched in.
One that stood out to me was the discussion of academic and passionate pursuits delaying breeding, P.23 “I am a mother. I’m a mother to my work. I give life to my work and to my relationships”, P. 35 “ I do have some sadness about not having children, but I don’t feel regret. Maybe that will come later on. But if I never wrote a book, now that would be really bad.” I am still pondering whether the author is implying that we mostly need to replace our nurturing with other pursuits. She does place an emphasis on careers, independence and friendships as filler for not having a child and this leaves me to wonder what things are supposed to look like for someone who does not have those things either – are they still allowed to be happy Singletons? Or is that right only dubbed to those who have effectively replaced nurturance with something equally as fruitful?
A subtopic that pulled directly on my heartstrings was the general discussion of the way that this affects our partners and the way that our intimate relationship is. The only times that I had truly pondered having children were times in which I felt so in love with a partner that I felt that it would be worth it to give that to them and sacrifice a life of joy to give one to them (stupid, yes, and I’m glad I didn’t have a baby with any of those guys, but still). Having children together is a way of furthering deep love and I do hope that my loves continue to have that depth even though we do not have children together. On page 36, we are directly connected with an individual after she lost her spouse. “The saddest thing was that there was nothing left of my love”. This statement was interesting and hard-hitting for me because the times that I have considered having a child were purely partner based. I have not yet fully pondered the fact that I am actively not deciding until that in itself becomes a decision. This idea gave me some power to confront some of my old ideas about what I want in my life. The discussion of partners also includes the story of a woman who is casually dating her husband of many years and is very happy with this arrangement. This made me ponder that there are many different types of love and being together and that not following the formula doesn’t mean you won’t get the right answer for you. I see a casual relationship with a lot of love as more fitting into my life than a 24/7 partnership and now I am aware and find comfort in the fact that there are other women who feel this way, too.
I can’t mention my favourite chapters without touching on one that was unexpected and shocking. There is a subsection in the very middle of the book specifically dedicated to educating readers on the statistically higher chance of being diagnosed with cancer in a life with no children. This strange little chapter of pure fear is centered directly in the middle of all the other chapters and touches very clinically on this ‘cruel irony.’ It’s unsettling that a disproportionate amount of childless women have ovarian and breast cancer and that there is very little research into why this occurs. Kaufmann states, if somewhat dramatically, .P. 151 ”I’m haunted by the fact that those of us who haven’t borne children get proportionately more breast, ovarian, and uterine cancer than mums do. “I can’t shake a disturbing image of a panel of judges, each rendering his verdict that we non-mums are guilty of some crime we never committed, and cancer is a fitting consequence for failing to reproduce ourselves.” I’m not sure what else to say about that one, besides ‘Jesus Christ’.
There are some hard hitting statistics in here, and even though the author does sometimes repeat statistics, it doesn’t lessen their impact for me. I learned that a third of the women interviewed had witnessed the birth of a child, and that a significant number of new Moms experience a 1.4 unit drop on a happiness scale in the two years after having a child – this happiness drop is higher than those attributed to divorce and the death of a partner. This significant loss of well – being in the first two years makes me think ‘yep, this is the right decision for me. I would be that person who is miserable for the first two years and then depressed for the next five over missing the first two. Can’t do.’. As the language, the structure, and the general reading experience of this book for me fades, I know that these statistics, these lessens, and these ways that I have further understood myself and the women around me are impossible to forget.
Check it out if you wanna, or don’t! This book was published on April, 2, 2019, and I read it on NetGalley
January 4, 2021
Thanks to NetGalley and to the Editor. I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review
This was an interesting book, but it was not really what I was expecting. And I felt a bit let down from it. On one hand, reading all the records of different women was interesting. And it was a really varied pool of experience. We get all the ages, the works, the education, the religion and so on, so on. So we can read from a very rich group of women. And that was the best part of the book.
But what I was expecting was something a bit more "useful" in some ways to women who don't have kids. We get to see all the different reasons for which women don't have children, and we get to see how some of them react to this fact (because for some can be a choice, but not for all), but being a woman without children bring a sort of stigma, for example, and when it is not so bad, it is something that set you apart from the majority. And I was hoping to read more about this part, but it is not there, if not in passing. And it was a tad disappointing, mainly because it seems more a book for people who have kids and know people who don't.
This was an interesting book, but it was not really what I was expecting. And I felt a bit let down from it. On one hand, reading all the records of different women was interesting. And it was a really varied pool of experience. We get all the ages, the works, the education, the religion and so on, so on. So we can read from a very rich group of women. And that was the best part of the book.
But what I was expecting was something a bit more "useful" in some ways to women who don't have kids. We get to see all the different reasons for which women don't have children, and we get to see how some of them react to this fact (because for some can be a choice, but not for all), but being a woman without children bring a sort of stigma, for example, and when it is not so bad, it is something that set you apart from the majority. And I was hoping to read more about this part, but it is not there, if not in passing. And it was a tad disappointing, mainly because it seems more a book for people who have kids and know people who don't.
Read
January 8, 2021I checked this out of the library based on reviews, flipped through it....and it wasn't really the book I was hoping it would be. The book was written by a woman who is childfree by circumstances, not by choice, as I am (). So there's that. Plus it seemed to be more about demographics. The WHO, not the WHY. And I didn't see anything about dealing with judgmental assholes who think they know my life and my body better than I do. I'd also hoped to find other Childfree By Choice women through this. Not a census report done by someone who really wanted a baby but couldn't have one.
So yeah... not the book I was looking for.
Therefore, I refrain from rating it.
So yeah... not the book I was looking for.
Therefore, I refrain from rating it.
June 6, 2021
Like many of the other reviewers, this is sort of a 3/3.5 stars read for me.
As expected, there is a bit of discussion around "why" - be it fate, biology, timing, or choice and of course the judgement that often accompanies women who don't have children. This discussion makes up a good bit of the first few chapters and it's probably revelatory for a lot of people that many women have had good lives sans kids and are happy with those decisions. Our culture tends to negative frame this for women "childless" but I'm not sure you ever hear men referred to as "childless". It's also not surprising that having or not having children impacts adult friendships. Adults with children may relate more closely to those who do, adults without children (especially single adults) may not be included in family or other social events - and so one effect is that the childfree adults have to form their own families with friends, their neighbours, etc.
There is some exploration of the physical/medical effects of not having children - are you more or less likely to have certain conditions or cancers? And of course, who do you rely on later in life to take care of you - especially if you have health issues? What do you do about your estate? Your assets when you die? I would have liked for Kaufmann to expand on this a bit more...
Overall a decent read.
As expected, there is a bit of discussion around "why" - be it fate, biology, timing, or choice and of course the judgement that often accompanies women who don't have children. This discussion makes up a good bit of the first few chapters and it's probably revelatory for a lot of people that many women have had good lives sans kids and are happy with those decisions. Our culture tends to negative frame this for women "childless" but I'm not sure you ever hear men referred to as "childless". It's also not surprising that having or not having children impacts adult friendships. Adults with children may relate more closely to those who do, adults without children (especially single adults) may not be included in family or other social events - and so one effect is that the childfree adults have to form their own families with friends, their neighbours, etc.
There is some exploration of the physical/medical effects of not having children - are you more or less likely to have certain conditions or cancers? And of course, who do you rely on later in life to take care of you - especially if you have health issues? What do you do about your estate? Your assets when you die? I would have liked for Kaufmann to expand on this a bit more...
Overall a decent read.
February 27, 2022
"There's no good word in the English language for a woman who hasn't had children. Every term invokes what we're not, not who we are."
This was an interesting read about what life is like for women who either can't, won't, or do not want children. There are a plethora of reasons why a woman might be childless yet when it comes to society, it seems the only right answer is for women to either be thinking about having children, trying to have children, or they already have children. There is no easy answer as to why a woman doesn't have children but society has trained women to be ashamed of their answer no matter what it might be. I appreciated that this book took the focus off of women with children and instead focused on women and what life is/can be for childless women. There were several sections I found interesting including the sections on different health concerns for women who have had children and those who haven't, the legacy childless women leave behind, and just how much more money childless women make over the course of their careers.
There were definitely parts of this book that dragged but unfortunately, I think that is the case for most nonfiction I read. I found parts of this book better than others and while I'm glad I read it, I also don't know that I would go out of my way to recommend this book to others. It didn't provide me with enough new information that made me want to share this book.
TW: infertility discussed
**Thank you to NetGalley and She Writes Press for the advanced reader's copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
This was an interesting read about what life is like for women who either can't, won't, or do not want children. There are a plethora of reasons why a woman might be childless yet when it comes to society, it seems the only right answer is for women to either be thinking about having children, trying to have children, or they already have children. There is no easy answer as to why a woman doesn't have children but society has trained women to be ashamed of their answer no matter what it might be. I appreciated that this book took the focus off of women with children and instead focused on women and what life is/can be for childless women. There were several sections I found interesting including the sections on different health concerns for women who have had children and those who haven't, the legacy childless women leave behind, and just how much more money childless women make over the course of their careers.
There were definitely parts of this book that dragged but unfortunately, I think that is the case for most nonfiction I read. I found parts of this book better than others and while I'm glad I read it, I also don't know that I would go out of my way to recommend this book to others. It didn't provide me with enough new information that made me want to share this book.
TW: infertility discussed
**Thank you to NetGalley and She Writes Press for the advanced reader's copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
July 19, 2020
So, probably a 3.5. It was a very broad overview of childfree, childless, and those who didn't have kids but acted as step-parents, which made it interesting. The stories were a bit hard to follow, as it would flip from one point of view to another, to the author, but there was only a small line break. It made it a tad confusing, trying to figure out which voice belonged to who.
Good ending on the older adults, and making sure you have enough to cover yourself and medical expenses when you are older, since there won't be family to lean on.
Good ending on the older adults, and making sure you have enough to cover yourself and medical expenses when you are older, since there won't be family to lean on.
January 11, 2020
Easy, fast read with some interesting stats and stories about childfree women, both by choice and by circumstance. The bits on friendship and housing were a lighter read than later parts on cancer and end-of-life card and decision-making. The last section of the book contained what I waited for the entire book: Practical advice on how to handle the titular question.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews