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Passing: A Memoir of Love and Death
In the tradition of The Year of Magical Thinking comes a legendary editor’s unflinching love song about his radiant wife, Margaret, and her battle with cancer. It was a warm April in Pleasant Valley when Margaret Korda, normally a fearless horsewoman, dropped her horsewhip while she was riding. Such a mild slip was easy to ignore, but when other troubling symptoms accumulated, she confided to her husband, “Michael, I think something serious is wrong with me.” Within a few rapid weeks, the fiercely independent, former fashion model was diagnosed with brain cancer, while Michael, once reliant on her steeliness, became her caregiver, deciphering bewildering medical reports and packing her beloved toiletries for the hospital. An operation performed by a renowned surgeon allowed Margaret to ride her favorite competition horse Logan go Bragh a few more times, but Margaret’s tumors quickly returned―leaving her to grapple with the reality of impending death. In rapturous prose, Korda, a modern- day Orpheus, braids her heroic story with heartrending details of their final year together. Passing , a tender memoir, is a testament to the transcendent possibilities of love. 4 photographs
224 pages, Hardcover
Published October 8, 2019
16 people are currently reading
131 people want to read
About the author
Michael Korda
75 books187 followersis an English-born writer and novelist who was editor-in-Chief of Simon & Schuster in New York City.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
December 16, 2019
Okay, I'm going to preface by saying that I realize that the following is insensitive. I don't mean to be insensitive to the author's loss; that is sad and painful and I have plenty of sympathy for him.
But.
Perhaps I'm predisposed to resent an assigned audiobook that has me dwelling in the blow-by-blow of someone else's brain cancer for nine hours, but this didn't bring a lot of insight to the experience for me. The vast majority of the book details the necessary steps of dealing with terminal illness: the doctor's appointments, the procedures, the decisions, the pain of being dealt such a bad hand. Beyond that, though, crickets. Reflections on life, the past, relationships, learning from others? Nope. Peace, wisdom, knowledge gained? Nope. Even determination to do something useful with the pain? Nope. I found myself continuously struck by by the couple's immense privilege throughout their lives and the lack of perspective that gave them when faced with something truly awful.
Now, I'm not 80 years old and I'm not currently facing recurring brain tumors so wtf do I know about it. I just figured that if the experience merits a book, it should tell me something profound, not just narrate the struggle.
But.
Perhaps I'm predisposed to resent an assigned audiobook that has me dwelling in the blow-by-blow of someone else's brain cancer for nine hours, but this didn't bring a lot of insight to the experience for me. The vast majority of the book details the necessary steps of dealing with terminal illness: the doctor's appointments, the procedures, the decisions, the pain of being dealt such a bad hand. Beyond that, though, crickets. Reflections on life, the past, relationships, learning from others? Nope. Peace, wisdom, knowledge gained? Nope. Even determination to do something useful with the pain? Nope. I found myself continuously struck by by the couple's immense privilege throughout their lives and the lack of perspective that gave them when faced with something truly awful.
Now, I'm not 80 years old and I'm not currently facing recurring brain tumors so wtf do I know about it. I just figured that if the experience merits a book, it should tell me something profound, not just narrate the struggle.
September 16, 2019
I won a book in a goodreads drawing, and this one came as a rider.
It's the story of model who develops a brain tumor, and the way she and her family deals with the slow death. It's very sad. To go from a glamorous lifestyle to a shell of a human being is excruciating.
Well written, but have some Kleenex handy.
It's the story of model who develops a brain tumor, and the way she and her family deals with the slow death. It's very sad. To go from a glamorous lifestyle to a shell of a human being is excruciating.
Well written, but have some Kleenex handy.
October 30, 2019
It’s a sad reality that memoirs about encounters with cancer are part of a burgeoning literary genre, but it’s not often the case that their authors bring to their creation the literary pedigree of a Michael Korda. For many years the editor-in-chief of Simon & Schuster, Korda also has produced a bookshelf worth of memoirs, histories and other assorted works. In PASSING, the account of his wife Margaret’s battle with brain cancer, he applies that considerable talent to tell a story about life and death that’s informative, moving and wise.
Until Margaret Korda’s diagnosis of a malignant brain tumor in April 2016 --- most likely a metastasis from a malignant melanoma she long delayed treating before its removal in 2011 --- she and Michael had led what most would consider charmed lives. Both born in Britain, they lived on a farm outside Poughkeepsie, NY, where they raised horses Margaret rode in the demanding equestrian discipline of combined training, in which she achieved national prominence. When Margaret’s symptoms become serious enough to require medical attention, Michael --- himself a survivor of prostate cancer and malignant melanoma --- is quick to note the irony that she was “that rare person of seventy-eight who was 100 percent physically fit except for the tumor that was trying to kill her.”
But even after the first of two brain surgeries, when her tumor is successfully removed and she’s able to resume some semblance of her former life --- riding her favorite horse and driving a car --- Korda is careful not to offer any moments of false hope. Despite the initial absence of a terminal diagnosis, the sense that Margaret is living under a death sentence is clear. When her cancer comes raging back barely seven months after her first surgery, it’s understood there will be no last-minute reprieve.
The story of how Margaret secured the doctor who performed both of her brain surgeries and managed her treatment almost defies belief. Shortly after her tumor was diagnosed, Michael had been scheduled to speak at a local book club dinner. Both he and the organizer of the event, Dr. Alain C. J. de Lotbinière, a neurosurgeon, had attended the same Swiss boarding school. When Michael, immersed with Margaret in considering treatment options, calls de Lotbinière to cancel his appearance, the doctor offers to review Margaret’s case, and she decides to follow his recommendation of immediate surgery at his hand, rather than a biopsy recommended by her first physician.
That relative good fortune in dire circumstances epitomizes the Kordas’ encounter with the healthcare system over the year of Margaret’s treatment. Unlike too many Americans for whom serious illness leads to financial ruin, once Korda submitted his Medicare number and his secondary insurance, there were “no complications, no anguished telephone calls, no disputes about what was covered and what was not, no red tape or fuss.”
When it comes to charting his own difficult emotional journey as Margaret’s caregiver, Michael doesn’t hold back. In one vivid scene at the rehabilitation hospital where Margaret goes following her first brain surgery, he describes his meltdown when he could not persuade the staff to intervene with a noisy roommate. Admittedly distressed that his concern for Margaret had turned him into an “angry, combustible, unreasonable pain in the ass,” his tirade did at least produce a transfer to a private room. After that, he writes, “I was treated by the entire staff as if I were a hand grenade with the pin pulled.” But with no significant exceptions, the physicians and other healthcare professionals involved in Margaret’s care are portrayed as unfailingly skilled, devoted and, above all, compassionate.
Korda likewise spares no details of Margaret’s last days, revealing how painfully hard dying can be even when his wife, in hospice care by this time, had the benefit of attentive caregivers. “More than anything it is the loneliness of dying that frightens those approaching death as much as death itself,” he observes. Korda’s son from his previous marriage is the founder of a controversial organization promoting euthanasia, and though he briefly considers that option in Margaret’s final weeks, he rejects it on both moral and practical grounds.
For all his candor in describing Margaret’s rapid decline, there’s a certain British reserve in the information Michael parcels out in the book’s few glimpses of their pre-cancer lives. From his account, their childless marriage was one of deep mutual affection, marked by shared rituals that included daily afternoon tea and working together to change the bed linens every week. One wry story is the account of how a pair of riding boots almost short-circuited the couple’s first lovemaking. Both horse riders, they had met on a bridle path in New York’s Central Park in 1972, while married to others, their initial encounter sparking an affair that ended in a marriage that lasted 38 years.
Despite the tragedy of Margaret Korda’s final year, her husband looks back without recrimination or regret on decisions like the one she made not to pursue more aggressive treatment. “One can torment oneself endlessly about what we might have done,” he concludes, “but ultimately the person who has the cancer has to decide if and when to surrender, and do it knowingly, without guilt or blame.” PASSING is a sad story, but it’s also a knowing and tender tribute to the love that endures after a long and devoted relationship has reached its inevitable end.
Reviewed by Harvey Freedenberg
Until Margaret Korda’s diagnosis of a malignant brain tumor in April 2016 --- most likely a metastasis from a malignant melanoma she long delayed treating before its removal in 2011 --- she and Michael had led what most would consider charmed lives. Both born in Britain, they lived on a farm outside Poughkeepsie, NY, where they raised horses Margaret rode in the demanding equestrian discipline of combined training, in which she achieved national prominence. When Margaret’s symptoms become serious enough to require medical attention, Michael --- himself a survivor of prostate cancer and malignant melanoma --- is quick to note the irony that she was “that rare person of seventy-eight who was 100 percent physically fit except for the tumor that was trying to kill her.”
But even after the first of two brain surgeries, when her tumor is successfully removed and she’s able to resume some semblance of her former life --- riding her favorite horse and driving a car --- Korda is careful not to offer any moments of false hope. Despite the initial absence of a terminal diagnosis, the sense that Margaret is living under a death sentence is clear. When her cancer comes raging back barely seven months after her first surgery, it’s understood there will be no last-minute reprieve.
The story of how Margaret secured the doctor who performed both of her brain surgeries and managed her treatment almost defies belief. Shortly after her tumor was diagnosed, Michael had been scheduled to speak at a local book club dinner. Both he and the organizer of the event, Dr. Alain C. J. de Lotbinière, a neurosurgeon, had attended the same Swiss boarding school. When Michael, immersed with Margaret in considering treatment options, calls de Lotbinière to cancel his appearance, the doctor offers to review Margaret’s case, and she decides to follow his recommendation of immediate surgery at his hand, rather than a biopsy recommended by her first physician.
That relative good fortune in dire circumstances epitomizes the Kordas’ encounter with the healthcare system over the year of Margaret’s treatment. Unlike too many Americans for whom serious illness leads to financial ruin, once Korda submitted his Medicare number and his secondary insurance, there were “no complications, no anguished telephone calls, no disputes about what was covered and what was not, no red tape or fuss.”
When it comes to charting his own difficult emotional journey as Margaret’s caregiver, Michael doesn’t hold back. In one vivid scene at the rehabilitation hospital where Margaret goes following her first brain surgery, he describes his meltdown when he could not persuade the staff to intervene with a noisy roommate. Admittedly distressed that his concern for Margaret had turned him into an “angry, combustible, unreasonable pain in the ass,” his tirade did at least produce a transfer to a private room. After that, he writes, “I was treated by the entire staff as if I were a hand grenade with the pin pulled.” But with no significant exceptions, the physicians and other healthcare professionals involved in Margaret’s care are portrayed as unfailingly skilled, devoted and, above all, compassionate.
Korda likewise spares no details of Margaret’s last days, revealing how painfully hard dying can be even when his wife, in hospice care by this time, had the benefit of attentive caregivers. “More than anything it is the loneliness of dying that frightens those approaching death as much as death itself,” he observes. Korda’s son from his previous marriage is the founder of a controversial organization promoting euthanasia, and though he briefly considers that option in Margaret’s final weeks, he rejects it on both moral and practical grounds.
For all his candor in describing Margaret’s rapid decline, there’s a certain British reserve in the information Michael parcels out in the book’s few glimpses of their pre-cancer lives. From his account, their childless marriage was one of deep mutual affection, marked by shared rituals that included daily afternoon tea and working together to change the bed linens every week. One wry story is the account of how a pair of riding boots almost short-circuited the couple’s first lovemaking. Both horse riders, they had met on a bridle path in New York’s Central Park in 1972, while married to others, their initial encounter sparking an affair that ended in a marriage that lasted 38 years.
Despite the tragedy of Margaret Korda’s final year, her husband looks back without recrimination or regret on decisions like the one she made not to pursue more aggressive treatment. “One can torment oneself endlessly about what we might have done,” he concludes, “but ultimately the person who has the cancer has to decide if and when to surrender, and do it knowingly, without guilt or blame.” PASSING is a sad story, but it’s also a knowing and tender tribute to the love that endures after a long and devoted relationship has reached its inevitable end.
Reviewed by Harvey Freedenberg
October 18, 2020
I always enjoy Michael Korda's books.
He has lead such a life.
He has shared so much of it. I will begin by saying I am such a fan.
I fell into "Another Life: A Memoir of Other People" & when my Shelby Mare came home to me in April of 2007, I devoured "Horse People: Scenes From The Riding Life" & "Horse Housekeeping: Everything You Need to Know To Keep A Horse At Home ~ With Margaret Korda".
I fell in love with their love story & with the scenes from their barn & her love of her horses & his love of her & I coveted the diagram of their horse pastures & barns that kept expanding to accomodate, her love of her equine in Horse Housekeeping.
This is a woman who knows who and what she is about.
This was truly an amazing love story of horses, animals & each other.
I began "Passing" knowing how it would end.
It is a just such a sad but good read.
Margaret dies from a cancer that they caught too late.
She discovers that something is amiss and within almost a bit over a year, she is gone.
She chooses to be in charge of her own medical treatment, and even after the second surgery, she is still determined to ride her horses & she does.
Up until the very end, when she cannot.
And then she documents it in the tack room daily diary, where all what needs to be done is written. She has lost her ability to write & has someone write for her~ "MARGARET's LAST RIDE" ~ the date is February 25, 2017.
This is a wistful read.
So much of what Mr. Korda writes about is familiar, a beloved near the end, and holding on because they want to leave this plane, knowing they ARE leaving & safe in their own, bed, within their own home. In the most familiar place. The bedroom.
I enjoyed this book & it speaks to his care & love for his wife & her cats, horses & farm.
It is just sad but lovely if that is possible.
He has lead such a life.
He has shared so much of it. I will begin by saying I am such a fan.
I fell into "Another Life: A Memoir of Other People" & when my Shelby Mare came home to me in April of 2007, I devoured "Horse People: Scenes From The Riding Life" & "Horse Housekeeping: Everything You Need to Know To Keep A Horse At Home ~ With Margaret Korda".
I fell in love with their love story & with the scenes from their barn & her love of her horses & his love of her & I coveted the diagram of their horse pastures & barns that kept expanding to accomodate, her love of her equine in Horse Housekeeping.
This is a woman who knows who and what she is about.
This was truly an amazing love story of horses, animals & each other.
I began "Passing" knowing how it would end.
It is a just such a sad but good read.
Margaret dies from a cancer that they caught too late.
She discovers that something is amiss and within almost a bit over a year, she is gone.
She chooses to be in charge of her own medical treatment, and even after the second surgery, she is still determined to ride her horses & she does.
Up until the very end, when she cannot.
And then she documents it in the tack room daily diary, where all what needs to be done is written. She has lost her ability to write & has someone write for her~ "MARGARET's LAST RIDE" ~ the date is February 25, 2017.
This is a wistful read.
So much of what Mr. Korda writes about is familiar, a beloved near the end, and holding on because they want to leave this plane, knowing they ARE leaving & safe in their own, bed, within their own home. In the most familiar place. The bedroom.
I enjoyed this book & it speaks to his care & love for his wife & her cats, horses & farm.
It is just sad but lovely if that is possible.
December 11, 2019
. In the past, I had read two non-fiction books by Korda, both centered on himself and his wife Margaret. Country Matters focused on renovation of an old farmhouse. Horse People was an amusing look at the equine set to which both Korda and his wife belonged. Passing however, is a different cup of tea. The Margaret I had gotten to know and like in the previous books has been diagnosed with brain cancer from a too-long untreated melanoma on her cheek that was assumed, after surgery, to be just fine. Five years after the removal of the blemish—which Margaret had ignored for far too long covering it with makeup—she was found to have metastatic melanoma which had colonized her brain and also her lungs. After being told she had only weeks to live without surgery, Margaret underwent an operation by a noted surgeon to remove the lesion and was then compelled to endure a “clean-up” with a Radiation implement. Her symptoms seemed to subside, though as a side effect of the serious surgery, she had problems with speech and mobility. This was hard for Margaret –and the reader—to endure, since she just months before had been an exceptionally fit athlete who was a five-time U.S. combined training champion—this is an equestrian sport that involves jumping, dressage and cross country and is extremely demanding. She received her latest championship at the age of 66. Now 78 Margaret had continued to compete, unaware that dire activities were going on in her body, which in just a few months would take her from a strong competitor to a helpless invalid. Margaret and Korda faced decisions and recriminations about bad choices. Margaret was a life-long devotee of tanning and gave little thought to skin cancer. When choices had to be made about treatments, Margaret’s fear of losing her hair caused her to delay, and her fear of being a “guinea pig” made her resist consulting with an experimental oncologist whose treatment with immunology was heralded as curative in some cases. As her tumors grew, further surgery was recommended, but again Margaret demurred, not wanting to once more endure rehab; she was instead given the option of radiation, but it proved a bad decision as the area to be radiated was extensive and the side effects were severe. By the time she agreed to the necessary surgery, it was too late for it to be effective. Korda details the woes of being a caretaker and the heartbreak of seeing his beloved wife of 40 odd years go downhill so rapidly. It was impossible for him to envision how little time they would have, but ultimately he came to grips with the need for nurses and hospice in their home to make Margaret’s passing endurable. Up nearly to the end, she still attempted to ride her horses and the day she could no longer mount, her barn manager wrote on the blackboard Margaret’s Last Ride –which describes the pathos of this book, written without sentimentaltity, but with the real sentiment of a devoted companion by Korda who in the past had his own bouts with cancer. The graphic nature of the book may be difficult for some readers to bear, but stands as a testament to the strength of this couple when facing extraordinary odds and should enlighten the aging as to the realities of a terminal cancer diagnosis.
January 6, 2020
Some end-of-life books are exquisite: When Breath Becomes Air, and Being Mortal come to mind. Passing is a writer-husband’s more straightforward story of his wife’s year-long path from brain tumor diagnosis to death. Margaret was a model and horsewoman who for years covered a suspicious spot on her cheek with makeup. The spot proved to be melanoma; delay in addressing it allowed the cancer to metastasize into her brain and lungs.
This book is more clinical in approach than others of its kind. Michael writes of doctor appointments, second opinions, bedside manner, ubiquitous fish tanks and harp music in cancer treatment waiting rooms, MRIs, waiting for reports, ER visits, acquisition of home health equipment, scheduling of 24-hour care, dressing of bedsores, Ensure, hospice, morphine, death rattle. Very nuts and bolts, very real.
But we also learn of Margaret’s loves (mainly horses), her demands (no shared room at rehab, no chemo, no live-in nurses (until absolutely unavoidable)), and her pride (weekly manicures, concern about her hair, no visitors, no viewing). This makes her sound unpleasant, but I did not find her so. In fact, I found the perspective of an 83-year old man writing about his 78-year old wife (second marriage for both) a useful one, as other cancer stories tend to be from the perspective of the young. Passing was more like “Death is inevitable; let’s talk about this particular one.”
Michael acknowledges at the end where different decisions might have led to different outcomes—a rather obvious reflection, but one that probably took courage for a surviving spouse to write.
In short, I find value in any end-of-life story. That this one was more clinical than spiritual made it different, but still instructional. Reviewing what happens, physically, as death approaches is a worthwhile read.
This book is more clinical in approach than others of its kind. Michael writes of doctor appointments, second opinions, bedside manner, ubiquitous fish tanks and harp music in cancer treatment waiting rooms, MRIs, waiting for reports, ER visits, acquisition of home health equipment, scheduling of 24-hour care, dressing of bedsores, Ensure, hospice, morphine, death rattle. Very nuts and bolts, very real.
But we also learn of Margaret’s loves (mainly horses), her demands (no shared room at rehab, no chemo, no live-in nurses (until absolutely unavoidable)), and her pride (weekly manicures, concern about her hair, no visitors, no viewing). This makes her sound unpleasant, but I did not find her so. In fact, I found the perspective of an 83-year old man writing about his 78-year old wife (second marriage for both) a useful one, as other cancer stories tend to be from the perspective of the young. Passing was more like “Death is inevitable; let’s talk about this particular one.”
Michael acknowledges at the end where different decisions might have led to different outcomes—a rather obvious reflection, but one that probably took courage for a surviving spouse to write.
In short, I find value in any end-of-life story. That this one was more clinical than spiritual made it different, but still instructional. Reviewing what happens, physically, as death approaches is a worthwhile read.
March 10, 2020
This was just another book about someone who ignored signs of melanoma for 5 years, until it spread to her brain, and then wondered "why me". Written by her husband, a well-known author and publisher, he documents the last year of her life. I couldn't warm to either of them and did not find the book to be a learning experience.
January 17, 2021
I was drawn to this book for many reasons. First of all I am unfortunately quite familiar with WMC, the hospital where Margaret Korda underwent two brain surgeries, and its Neurological Intensive Care unit, as well as the Burke Rehabilitation Hospital, since nearly ten years ago my husband spent over two months in these facilities after a traumatic brain injury. I am also familiar with the general area where the Korda's horse farm is located and what life in the country is like. And having worked in publishing in a previous lifetime I wanted to learn more about famous editor-in-chief Michael Korda and with what grace, or lack thereof, his athletic, fit and reputedly beautiful wife is able to face such awful physical degradation.
What I came away with was lots of helpful information about treatment decisions and even more curiosity about what their marriage was really like. I found Margaret quite selfish, demanding and ungrateful for all her husband did for her but maybe I would be just like that myself if I were in her shoes. I found it most curious that they seemed to completely avoid any conversation at all about how Margaret felt facing her death and her concern for her husband's life after she passed on. Either they never spoke of their love for each other as death approached faster and closer or the author chose not to include it.
One thing that had me wondering was how Margaret, with her enormous concern for personal privacy, would feel if she could somehow know that after her death her husband would be disclosing all the most personal details about herself and her body, right down to him discussing wiping her ass after a bowel movement. Which made me wonder even more if this in a way was a little bit of revenge on his part. This led to googling on my part, wanting to see what more I could find out about their marriage. One thing I turned up was a controversial 1996 Vanity Fair piece entitled "Harmed Lives" that puts Margaret in a very poor light. Let's just say she seemed a much less concerned caregiver regarding his prostate cancer surgery than he ever was regarding her illness.
Of course now I have to read his book about that period -- "Man to Man" and maybe all his other books because it turns out I'm quite fascinated by this man. I wonder how he's doing two years after his wife's passing. Are the horses still there? Is he thinking of selling the farm? Is he in touch with all his old friends, whom, the VF article says, he was cut off from by his wife's retreat to the country. I'm very glad I read this book and I think Margaret made the right decision at her age not to undergo all the awful treatments that perhaps might buy a few more months of hanging on. I know it gave me something to think about -- how would I handle it now that I'm in my early 70s. I also think Michael Korda was an extremely good caregiver and Margaret was most fortunate to have him at her side all the way.
What I came away with was lots of helpful information about treatment decisions and even more curiosity about what their marriage was really like. I found Margaret quite selfish, demanding and ungrateful for all her husband did for her but maybe I would be just like that myself if I were in her shoes. I found it most curious that they seemed to completely avoid any conversation at all about how Margaret felt facing her death and her concern for her husband's life after she passed on. Either they never spoke of their love for each other as death approached faster and closer or the author chose not to include it.
One thing that had me wondering was how Margaret, with her enormous concern for personal privacy, would feel if she could somehow know that after her death her husband would be disclosing all the most personal details about herself and her body, right down to him discussing wiping her ass after a bowel movement. Which made me wonder even more if this in a way was a little bit of revenge on his part. This led to googling on my part, wanting to see what more I could find out about their marriage. One thing I turned up was a controversial 1996 Vanity Fair piece entitled "Harmed Lives" that puts Margaret in a very poor light. Let's just say she seemed a much less concerned caregiver regarding his prostate cancer surgery than he ever was regarding her illness.
Of course now I have to read his book about that period -- "Man to Man" and maybe all his other books because it turns out I'm quite fascinated by this man. I wonder how he's doing two years after his wife's passing. Are the horses still there? Is he thinking of selling the farm? Is he in touch with all his old friends, whom, the VF article says, he was cut off from by his wife's retreat to the country. I'm very glad I read this book and I think Margaret made the right decision at her age not to undergo all the awful treatments that perhaps might buy a few more months of hanging on. I know it gave me something to think about -- how would I handle it now that I'm in my early 70s. I also think Michael Korda was an extremely good caregiver and Margaret was most fortunate to have him at her side all the way.
October 20, 2021
Mr. Korda is a retired author and editor and living in NY state with his wife, named Margaret. This book chronicles the last year of her life. She is in her late seventies and has a brain tumor. Five years earlier, she had some skin cancer removed from her cheek, and it quietly spread and showed up in her brain. Surgery, recovery, recurrence, radiation, more surgery, and then hospice.
If you get brain cancer, or any cancer, this dude would be someone you’d like to have around—supportive, smart, always dealing, researching, arranging.
He talks a lot about being a caretaker and what that entails. He doesn’t complain, but struggles to stay on top of what is needed. One of the more depressing scenes of this book (which is pretty much devoid of happy parts) is when Mr. Korda finally gets a stair lift installed, but by then it is too late, Margaret is not able to leave the bedroom, and it never gets used.
Before this, Margaret and he were living what seems to be a charmed life. They have a big old house on lots of land, with horses and a stable staff. She grew up in England, had two early marriages, did modeling work, then became very involved in the horse competition world. She was retired from that, but still rides twice a day. She has aged beautifully.
The author doesn’t come out and say it, but my sense is Margaret was a vain and difficult woman. She ignores things that are problematic. The original skin cancer, for example. She covered it with make up for quite a while--he says she probably was afraid of the scar that removal would cause. Sigh. Not that I think she deserves blame for the cancer, not at all. But she is stubborn-- and not in a good way. She only wants to deal with the surgeon, because he is as classy and well dressed as she is (in addition to being a kind and skilled doctor). She refuses to see an oncologist for most of the duration, doesn’t like the perfectly nice radiation doc, and resists the idea of getting any in-house help for the longest possible time.
It is clear Mr. Korda adored Margaret, and we all should be so fortunate to have someone so devoted. The ending, and the entire book, is sad, but in a reserved and thoughtful way, like Korda’s personality. He has written other books, I’ll check them out.
If you get brain cancer, or any cancer, this dude would be someone you’d like to have around—supportive, smart, always dealing, researching, arranging.
He talks a lot about being a caretaker and what that entails. He doesn’t complain, but struggles to stay on top of what is needed. One of the more depressing scenes of this book (which is pretty much devoid of happy parts) is when Mr. Korda finally gets a stair lift installed, but by then it is too late, Margaret is not able to leave the bedroom, and it never gets used.
Before this, Margaret and he were living what seems to be a charmed life. They have a big old house on lots of land, with horses and a stable staff. She grew up in England, had two early marriages, did modeling work, then became very involved in the horse competition world. She was retired from that, but still rides twice a day. She has aged beautifully.
The author doesn’t come out and say it, but my sense is Margaret was a vain and difficult woman. She ignores things that are problematic. The original skin cancer, for example. She covered it with make up for quite a while--he says she probably was afraid of the scar that removal would cause. Sigh. Not that I think she deserves blame for the cancer, not at all. But she is stubborn-- and not in a good way. She only wants to deal with the surgeon, because he is as classy and well dressed as she is (in addition to being a kind and skilled doctor). She refuses to see an oncologist for most of the duration, doesn’t like the perfectly nice radiation doc, and resists the idea of getting any in-house help for the longest possible time.
It is clear Mr. Korda adored Margaret, and we all should be so fortunate to have someone so devoted. The ending, and the entire book, is sad, but in a reserved and thoughtful way, like Korda’s personality. He has written other books, I’ll check them out.
October 20, 2019
Michael Korda's wife passed away in 2017. While this writing is ultimately about the death of Margaret Mogford Korda, it is about the love, devotion, and passion Michael saw her express throughout their life together. Margaret's love of horses shines through as he talks about how they met on horseback all the way through to her final ride. Her stubbornness is also evident in her dealings with doctors and caregivers throughout her illness - she refuses some treatment. Margaret had a certain spark and joyful way of moving through life. It's well worth a read, but keep some tissues handy for the second half.
January 31, 2020
Interesting but I didn't love it. Well written with lots of details about treatment and ultimately dying of cancer but it was missing something for me.
April 1, 2020
Michael Korda, former editor-in-chief at Simon and Schuster (and author of some 40+ books) has gifted us with a quietly beautiful account of his wife's passing. It's not overwrought with sentimentality, nor does it garner any profound insight. Yet it is still deeply moving in a way that we don't often get to see. It's the story of a man that loved a woman enough to honor her wishes as she slowly died in front of him. I work in the field of death and dying, and have read more than a couple books on the subject. This is a good one.
September 20, 2019
Passing is such an difficult subject especially if the person passing is so close and dear to you. But Mr. Korda did a beautiful job in capturing his loved one’s journey. I would truly be honored if the person that I loved and loved me was able to so eloquently and lovingly express our last moments together. It was surprisingly the best book that I have read in a while. It too, was a book that came along with a sweepstake book. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
December 18, 2019
Masterful writing can make almost any subject enthralling...even death. This small book can be easily read in a sitting but you may want to savor it. Plus...horses. Some of my favorite quotes:
"As we were to discover, the tumor would soon become the proverbial 'elephant in the room,' too big to ignore, more difficult still to pretend it isn't there. Cancer not only takes over the body, it takes over your whole life if you let it."
"The cure for anything is alt water--sweat, tears or the sea." Isak Dinesen
"One of the side effects of cancer...is the inability to focus on anything else."
"Perhaps an irrational burst of panic at things that don't matter is the price of remaining calm about the things that do, a compensatory mechanism for the fabled English stiff upper lip....'Keep calm and carry on' may be the unofficial national motto, but no doubt it comes at a cost. Anxiety is bound to emerge somewhere, like water from a hidden leak..."
"For the animal shall not be measured by man, in a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and a complete....They are not brethren, they are not underlings, they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time." Henry Beston
"It occurred to me that my solution to the emotional challenge of looking after Margaret was to keep busy, but that did not mean it was make-work, it still all needed to be done. Planning is an affirmation of life; looking back on it, I realize that I was drawing up charts of day and night care extending far beyond the amount of time Margaret had left to live--it was a way of ignoring reality, perhaps of even supposing that one could prevent it....Anchoring the mind in the humdrum routines of life has a calming effect because it suggest that at least something is under control. "
"As we were to discover, the tumor would soon become the proverbial 'elephant in the room,' too big to ignore, more difficult still to pretend it isn't there. Cancer not only takes over the body, it takes over your whole life if you let it."
"The cure for anything is alt water--sweat, tears or the sea." Isak Dinesen
"One of the side effects of cancer...is the inability to focus on anything else."
"Perhaps an irrational burst of panic at things that don't matter is the price of remaining calm about the things that do, a compensatory mechanism for the fabled English stiff upper lip....'Keep calm and carry on' may be the unofficial national motto, but no doubt it comes at a cost. Anxiety is bound to emerge somewhere, like water from a hidden leak..."
"For the animal shall not be measured by man, in a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and a complete....They are not brethren, they are not underlings, they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time." Henry Beston
"It occurred to me that my solution to the emotional challenge of looking after Margaret was to keep busy, but that did not mean it was make-work, it still all needed to be done. Planning is an affirmation of life; looking back on it, I realize that I was drawing up charts of day and night care extending far beyond the amount of time Margaret had left to live--it was a way of ignoring reality, perhaps of even supposing that one could prevent it....Anchoring the mind in the humdrum routines of life has a calming effect because it suggest that at least something is under control. "
May 22, 2020
A very sad story, about the death of a longtime companion......in very great details, I cannot help but think that they were fortunate to be wealthy people, since most of the medical treatments were covered under their Health Plans, most Americans are not that fortunate. It would appear that Mr Korda had all the right Dr. connections to whatever was happening in Margarets life, most people would not be that fortunate
It makes me grateful to live in Canada, which has a universal health plan and you do not go bankrupt due to any illness.
I could not help but feel that euthanasia might have been a choice, of course it is a very personal choice.
I found the fact that there was very little spiritual connection in their lives, and i don't mean religious connection, the end seemed rather calculated based on a booklet he was given telling him of the blow by blow description of the end of life,and what to expect, not being a medical person I would have assumed that medication can be given intravenously rather than pushing pills into a person mouth who is not able or willing to co-0perate
I could not put the book down, as I needed to know how the story ended, my heart goes out to Mr Korda, from the description of his life in those last few months must have been horrific seeing Margaret deteriorate on a daily bases, in spite of the dragged out deathbed scene I felt relieved when Margaret passed.
The lesson in this if there is one, to not let any changes in your body go unchecked as I cannot feel that perhaps if Margaret had gone to her Dr, when first noticing a change in a mole things might have been different, many people today are being treated and their cancer goes into remission.
It makes me grateful to live in Canada, which has a universal health plan and you do not go bankrupt due to any illness.
I could not help but feel that euthanasia might have been a choice, of course it is a very personal choice.
I found the fact that there was very little spiritual connection in their lives, and i don't mean religious connection, the end seemed rather calculated based on a booklet he was given telling him of the blow by blow description of the end of life,and what to expect, not being a medical person I would have assumed that medication can be given intravenously rather than pushing pills into a person mouth who is not able or willing to co-0perate
I could not put the book down, as I needed to know how the story ended, my heart goes out to Mr Korda, from the description of his life in those last few months must have been horrific seeing Margaret deteriorate on a daily bases, in spite of the dragged out deathbed scene I felt relieved when Margaret passed.
The lesson in this if there is one, to not let any changes in your body go unchecked as I cannot feel that perhaps if Margaret had gone to her Dr, when first noticing a change in a mole things might have been different, many people today are being treated and their cancer goes into remission.
November 30, 2019
I'm not sure how to review this one. It's a well-written book because the author is an established writer (unlike some people whose story of their loved one dying is their first book). In the end, I just didn't know what the book was about. I'd say it's best read by someone who knew Margaret and wanted to hear more about the experience. We learn details about Margaret, but with not much text or input from Margaret, and since she was a private person, she is not fully fleshed out so you aren't especially interested in her. It could have been the story of an interesting life, but he didn't include that much detail about her except that she rode horses (and a couple stories from her early adulthood). There are enough medical details, including notes from doctors, to almost make this medical in nature, although not quite because the author isn't a doctor. Certainly, it's a story about the author's experience of his wife's death, but as a diary I don't think it was that successful.
I'd also say that the very beginning of the book will put some people off, as it's basically a description of how they cheated on their spouses with each other. And not done nicely. Actually starting out by knowing they were attracted to each other and having coffee together, to making friends as couples so they went to dinner together with their spouses.And this went on for months before sleeping together when her husband was away and THEN divorcing. Poorly done. At least he made no excuses for that.
I'd also say that the very beginning of the book will put some people off, as it's basically a description of how they cheated on their spouses with each other. And not done nicely. Actually starting out by knowing they were attracted to each other and having coffee together, to making friends as couples so they went to dinner together with their spouses.And this went on for months before sleeping together when her husband was away and THEN divorcing. Poorly done. At least he made no excuses for that.
January 3, 2020
I wanted so much more from this book but there’s no there there. I found it especially bleak that there was no deeper story. It’s basically an account her a wife’s death from cancer as told by her husband, with many medical details but without insight. Margaret was accomplished and glamorous and she loved her horses, but she also seemed without empathy, wooden and hard as nails. The scene when she went to visit her dying father told as much about her as it did about him.
Michael seems blissfully unaware of the immense privilege they had with regard to medical care: doctors available by call or text at all hours of the day or night who could order tests and make immediate appointments with specialists on their behalf, 24/7 nursing care in addition to home hospice care, the ability to put in a stair lift in an afternoon, ordering special meals every day from local restaurants...ugh. Someone without unlimited finances and no healthcare would probably throw this book across the room.
And finally, how incredibly unprepared, mentally and practically, they seemed to be for her death. I assume they had wills, but the fact that she’s whispering “cremation” to him (“Of course,” he replies) at the very end was absurd. He raves about the doctors and nurses and hospice caregivers, but I know from personal experience that any/all of those people would have been advising them to prepare - were they in denial or just arrogant? I dunno. I found it to be a frustrating read.
Michael seems blissfully unaware of the immense privilege they had with regard to medical care: doctors available by call or text at all hours of the day or night who could order tests and make immediate appointments with specialists on their behalf, 24/7 nursing care in addition to home hospice care, the ability to put in a stair lift in an afternoon, ordering special meals every day from local restaurants...ugh. Someone without unlimited finances and no healthcare would probably throw this book across the room.
And finally, how incredibly unprepared, mentally and practically, they seemed to be for her death. I assume they had wills, but the fact that she’s whispering “cremation” to him (“Of course,” he replies) at the very end was absurd. He raves about the doctors and nurses and hospice caregivers, but I know from personal experience that any/all of those people would have been advising them to prepare - were they in denial or just arrogant? I dunno. I found it to be a frustrating read.
August 4, 2024
I thoroughly enjoyed this memoir by Michael Korda, the first of his books I've ever read. It detailed the sudden diagnosis of a serious brain tumor in his otherwise very fit and healthy wife and the year long journey of fighting it until her death. I liked his matter of fact and honest writing style and kept wanting to read to see what would happen next, despite the tragic nature of the subject.
I did not care for his wife's personality though and felt somewhat bad for that since she was fighting a nightmare battle for her life. Nonetheless, it was obvious she'd spent her whole life used to getting her way and I felt she was a cold and selfish woman, even insisting for the majority of her illness and decline that her aging husband with issues of his own be her sole caretaker and that he not allow nurses into the home to help. It was odd how he'd obey her while dealing with the constant stress and exhaustion at 83 years old until she decided near the end that HE, not her needed help by allowing hospice nurses to stay in the house and assist. She'd bemoan why this happened to her, but it was clear the cause was her ignoring melanoma on her cheek for years by covering it with make-up due to her vanity. He was loving and devoted to the end, despite from what I could tell, not getting much appreciation from her unless he didn't write those details.
I did not care for his wife's personality though and felt somewhat bad for that since she was fighting a nightmare battle for her life. Nonetheless, it was obvious she'd spent her whole life used to getting her way and I felt she was a cold and selfish woman, even insisting for the majority of her illness and decline that her aging husband with issues of his own be her sole caretaker and that he not allow nurses into the home to help. It was odd how he'd obey her while dealing with the constant stress and exhaustion at 83 years old until she decided near the end that HE, not her needed help by allowing hospice nurses to stay in the house and assist. She'd bemoan why this happened to her, but it was clear the cause was her ignoring melanoma on her cheek for years by covering it with make-up due to her vanity. He was loving and devoted to the end, despite from what I could tell, not getting much appreciation from her unless he didn't write those details.
August 14, 2020
I hate to give just three stars to something that is so heartfelt. Michael Korda lost his wife to cancer and wrote a memoir of their last year. Margaret Mogford died after ignoring a skin cancer on her face and the cancer spread throughout her body. Korda writes in great detail about the doctor appointments, surgeries and gruesome final weeks. What does NOT come across in his writing is much about Margaret herself. She was an athletic champion horsewoman, she loved her cats and horses and she was stubborn and strong-willed. That was about it. There wasn't any great feeling about her as a person. Korda does a lot of name dropping (doctors, restaurants and wines) and brand dropping.... Vuitton, Baccarrat, etc. They were a very wealthy and well-connected couple and, as a result, their cancer-journey was a lot different than that of the average person. They could modify their house with bath lifts and chair lifts. They knew doctors that they could call at any hour. They could travel to the best rehab places and hire 24 hour nurses.
Despite all these things that money could buy, death from cancer is the great equalizer. The journey may have had some advantages but the end is the same.
Despite all these things that money could buy, death from cancer is the great equalizer. The journey may have had some advantages but the end is the same.
December 16, 2022
Honest, unsentimental, respectful and moving, Michael Korda recounts the year prior to the death of his wife, Margaret, from brain cancer. That they had a truly rare and wonderful marriage and love cannot be denied, and this story of Margaret's first obvious symptoms to her death tell a story of determination and courage, fear and frustration, and ultimately, of an unflinching love that journeyed with Margaret to her death. Margaret was a very "alive" person. A former model, a superb equestrian completing successfully at eventing, and a person with such a strong sense of self, it is unthinkable that she would develop cancer and be subject to the ravages of the disease. I have read about Michael and Margaret in prior books and due to Michael's wonderful writing, feel that I knew them both. I admired Margaret: who wouldn't? I was not sure I could read about her death. But this book is so perfect in showing what kind of extraordinary people she and Michael were, and by the end, I felt that Margaret passed with dignity and I hope I die with as much grace as she does. Mary Oliver's poetry is quoted and is simply perfect. Thank you, Mr. Korda, for sharing this intimate experience. I am a better person for having read this.
March 3, 2021
Everything We Love Must Die
I read everything Michael Korda writes. He is that good. But, as I get older, some truths are harder to face than others. Watching someone you love die has to be one of the most difficult things we do.
At least, we thought that until this pandemic taught us how much harder it is to be kept from a loved one as they part from us. I started reading this book months ago but just finished it today. You know how it's going to end but getting through it is tough. It's made tougher by what this virus has done to us. I reflect on all the people who don't have a choice of what day to bury their beloved because they don't get to choose. Michael Korda's heartbreaking story is in contrast to the sudden, horrific new manner in which many of us have faced a loved one's death. How strange it is to think there was a time when people could mourn together, hold each other in their grief and be there to say goodbye.
This remains a heartfelt tribute to a beloved wife. You can make snide remarks about the privileged life the Kordas lived. But in the end it is about love.
I read everything Michael Korda writes. He is that good. But, as I get older, some truths are harder to face than others. Watching someone you love die has to be one of the most difficult things we do.
At least, we thought that until this pandemic taught us how much harder it is to be kept from a loved one as they part from us. I started reading this book months ago but just finished it today. You know how it's going to end but getting through it is tough. It's made tougher by what this virus has done to us. I reflect on all the people who don't have a choice of what day to bury their beloved because they don't get to choose. Michael Korda's heartbreaking story is in contrast to the sudden, horrific new manner in which many of us have faced a loved one's death. How strange it is to think there was a time when people could mourn together, hold each other in their grief and be there to say goodbye.
This remains a heartfelt tribute to a beloved wife. You can make snide remarks about the privileged life the Kordas lived. But in the end it is about love.
February 13, 2025
Passing // Michael Korda
“You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone,” my wife Margaret was fond of saying, meaning that you shouldn’t take the good things of your life for granted.
A 50 cent find at a thrift store, beautiful hardback, this “memoir of love and death,” follows the discovery of Margaret’s brain tumor, her brutal treatment, and her death. I can’t resist an illness memoir, but this lacked the voice of the patient. Yes, her thoughts are included from time to time, especially her resistance to having another brain surgery, but mostly the book follows Korda’s journey as he cared for his wife, not the same, but akin to Didion’s Year of Magical Thinking. Let me be clear, it’s not the job of the patient to spill her guts and let everybody in. Especially beautiful is the description of his wife, an accomplished horsewoman, riding her horses, communing with them, as she declined. Honest. Raw.
“You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone,” my wife Margaret was fond of saying, meaning that you shouldn’t take the good things of your life for granted.
A 50 cent find at a thrift store, beautiful hardback, this “memoir of love and death,” follows the discovery of Margaret’s brain tumor, her brutal treatment, and her death. I can’t resist an illness memoir, but this lacked the voice of the patient. Yes, her thoughts are included from time to time, especially her resistance to having another brain surgery, but mostly the book follows Korda’s journey as he cared for his wife, not the same, but akin to Didion’s Year of Magical Thinking. Let me be clear, it’s not the job of the patient to spill her guts and let everybody in. Especially beautiful is the description of his wife, an accomplished horsewoman, riding her horses, communing with them, as she declined. Honest. Raw.
January 13, 2020
Cautionary tale about staying out of the sun, ignoring a melanoma, and all the "what if" questions that haunt people as they watch a loved one rapidly go downhill despite surgeries, radiation, and chemo. Not to minimize the author's loss, but I couldn't help thinking about the tremendous family wealth and the fact that they were eligible for Medicare (maybe there should be a means test?). These people personify the "1%" that television talking heads and Democrat politicians rail against: Swiss boarding schools, chauffeur-driven cars, personal horses kept in Central Park and a farm in NY, in-home 24 hour care, etc. A middle-class family would go bankrupt trying to pay for this treatment, much less have access to personal cell phone numbers for their myriad physicians.
September 11, 2020
To start, I want to point out the immense privilege Michael and Margaret had all throughout her medical journey. Having doctor, police, and in general friends in high places undoubtedly helped them. It was irksome to read at times, but that’s life. I also want to say that I think people who disliked this book have incredibly high expectations for lives real people live. This isn’t a fiction novel; sometimes in real life there is no lesson or character arc.
We have to look at this as a book about someone who grew up in the height of the 60s and 70s and led a pretty normal, if not privileged, life thereafter. I liked this book for what it was: the chronicles of a loved one’s early life and the immense grief and processes Michael and Margaret went through on the journey towards death.
We have to look at this as a book about someone who grew up in the height of the 60s and 70s and led a pretty normal, if not privileged, life thereafter. I liked this book for what it was: the chronicles of a loved one’s early life and the immense grief and processes Michael and Margaret went through on the journey towards death.
November 14, 2019
I think it’s imperative that we read memoirs like this to help us prepare for accompanying a loved one through the minefield that is called treatment of the terminally ill. Having been my adult daughter’s caregiver as she fought a losing battle with cancer, I understood Michael Korda’s struggle to accept what was happening and to allow his wife to choose the doctors and interventions she would allow to shape her final year. As he writes at the end, “Who can say that she was wrong?”
The book is well written and pulls the reader into the private world of Margaret & Michael without stripping away her dignity. Thank you, Mr. Korda, for sharing this most intimate experience with us.
The book is well written and pulls the reader into the private world of Margaret & Michael without stripping away her dignity. Thank you, Mr. Korda, for sharing this most intimate experience with us.
August 2, 2019
Best selling author Michael Korda turns his prolific pen to document his wife's battle with cancer. Unsparing in its honesty at looking at a loved one's end of life. The love of a long time married couple endures...even death. Recommended for readers who enjoyed Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" and Paul Kalanithi’s "When Breath Becomes Air.
*I read an advance copy and was not compensated.
*I read an advance copy and was not compensated.
January 5, 2020
In this sad memoir, we meet Margaret Korda, a vibrant woman who gets terminal brain cancer and rapidly declines as result. The book details the emotions as well as the medical aspects of what it was like to go through this and captures it in beautiful prose. This was a hard book to read because of the subject matter but was ultimately a well written love letter and tribute to a strong woman's end of life.
August 2, 2025
Lovely treatment of loving one to their death
We spend so much of our life avoiding looking at difficult situations head on with eyes open to see both the challenges and the opportunities for beauty. This memoir honors Michael’s beautiful wife and also bares the agony and honor of walking a loved one to their death. If it’s an experience we all face, there must be beauty there, even in the horror, for we are made for love and for one another.
We spend so much of our life avoiding looking at difficult situations head on with eyes open to see both the challenges and the opportunities for beauty. This memoir honors Michael’s beautiful wife and also bares the agony and honor of walking a loved one to their death. If it’s an experience we all face, there must be beauty there, even in the horror, for we are made for love and for one another.
December 7, 2019
A husband's account of his marriage, and the death of his death from cancer.
April 1, 2020
Passing is a loving tribute to his wife Margaret and the story of her battle with cancer. A deeply moving testimonial to the strength of their love in the most difficult time.
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