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Strictly Parenting: Everything you need to know about raising school-aged kids
In his work as a family psychologist, Michael Carr-Gregg has noticed a worrying trend in our modern parenting styles, which sees kids running riot and parents running for cover. In our desire to give our kids the best, we may have given them way too much, and overlooked the importance of setting boundaries. He believes it's a recipe for disaster. In Strictly Parenting, Michael asks parents to take a good hard look at the way they are parenting - to toughen up and stop trying to be their kids' best friends. He instead offers practical evidence-based solutions on how to take back the reins and start making the most of the precious family years. With a user-friendly A-Z guide covering all the tricky issues that parents encounter over the years - everything from birthday parties and bedtimes to sex and drugs - this is an invaluable and very timely resource for parents of all school-aged kids. Author BiographyDr Michael Carr-Gregg has written several bestselling books on parenting, including Surviving Adolescents, The Princess Bitchface Syndrome, Beyond Cyberbullying and When to Really Worry. - Strictly Parenting: Everything You Need To Know About Raising School-Aged Kids By Michael Carr-Gregg (Paperback)
- GenresParenting
352 pages, Paperback
First published August 27, 2014
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
October 24, 2014
Michael Carr-Gregg starts off by noting that 'Raising children is widely acknowledged as one of the toughest jobs around. Yet parenting is also one of life's richest experiences'. Yes, I'd agree - so far its had its times of rewards and challenges, and I'm always keen for some tools in the kit for those challenging times.
A positive of the book is that it tackles a number of everyday issues and provides some quick measures of what you can do (so when you are actually in the situation, you're not scrambling for a response, or worse, reacting without thinking at all). As a result, this review includes some key points, so I can remember them too (noting that when you see them written, they're not rocket science - easy to say, not always easy to do).
So for instance, in his top parenting tips, he states
1. 'if you really want your children to succeed then learn when to leave them along. When you lighten up, they'll fly higher (Don't do anything for your children that they can do themselves), and therefore, maintain realistic expectations, give your kids responsibilities, model how to face challenges and praise effort as well as achievement.
2. A firm and respectful 'no', is crucial to our children's moral development - kids need boundaries, there are natural consequences (ie, you forget your toy outside and it will rust), or logical consequences (repeatedly interrupting may mean you need to leave the room). Make sure the consequences are: immediate (as best you can), start with small things, ask 'what' they have done not 'why' (not sure I always agree with this btw), avoid consequences that restrict development (like missing seeing relatives who are important to attachment, etc), and don't be a hypocrite. Also recognise boredom can be good - they can lead to initiating activities themselves.
3. Listen to your children - attentive, reflective, paraphrasing, etc
4. Do stuff together - fun things and chores
5. Handle meltdowns with dignity (an important one for me) - welcome and talk about feelings, but limit behaviour. Also includes changing your thought patterns, say from 'I can't do this, everything is ruined' to 'its frustrating but not the end of the world. Ways to deal with this include separating the child from the behaviour (in talking about it and working it through - another way expressed is 'attack the problem not the person), minimise talking but help find solutions.
6. Seeing the glass as half full - 'the approach you take to living, loving and parenting, which has a huge, if imperceptible, influence on your kids'. Ideas include 'focus on the good stuff, do one kind thing a day, hang out with happy people, listen for subtext, and practice mindfulness'.
7. Stick to routines - 'if your household is completely out of control, how can you expect your children's behaviour to be anything but out of control?' Covering issues of sleep and bedtime routines, hygiene (still have the proper tooth cleaning battle in our house), food, after school activities, and family rituals.
8. Get a life - 'parenting is not meant to be an exercise in martyrdom'. If we think of our babies as needing to fit into our lives rather than the other way around, life becomes better for everyone. Tips include 'look after your relationship (time together, creating a united front, maintaining a strong connection to each other), look after yourself (get enough rest, eat real food, stay connected with others, accept help, ditch the idea of perfection)
He then goes on to write about a list of common scenarios and approaches to addressing them.
All good, sound, logical advice.
Where I struggle is some of the assumptions that are made about the parents in this equation. While Michael acknowledges that 'we can't be perfect parents', some of the solutions he proposes stray close to this, particularly for people who are a) single, without close family or support, or with a partner who due to work (or whatever) is not around often or b) parents suffering health or other major problems.
For instance, he hones in on parents with depression (a sensitive issue for me). 'Parents who are chronically irritable or unresponsive due to depression or anxiety are a danger to their kids ...some kids take on the responsibility of trying to look after a distressed parent. This is unacceptable. Children need the adults in their lives to be strong enough to guide, nurture and set limited. Parents with untreated depression and anxiety will compromise their children's quality of life and stall their development'. Wow. So naïve - I'd thought depression and anxiety was a good thing for kids to see (heavy sarcasm here). So his solution? - 'Parents who experience prolonged anxiety or feelings of hopelessness and being unable to cope must get help'. Right. However what he doesn't acknowledge is that help is not always easy to get - the problem is not always easily identifiable, for instance, and it may take a very long time to address the issues. Likewise, major (non mental) illnesses can also leave parents very drained and unable to provide the role that they would like to. Finally, there is a real assumption of a standard, middle class, nuclear family unit, where the parents are both together and available (and therefore, if 'you are unable to control your frustration with your child, tag team with your partner'). While I am in that fortunate position, many are not.
I understand that the book is an overview, and can't cater for everyone, however I felt these assumptions did detract from what otherwise was a sensible, practical and common sense addition to the toolkit for helping raise healthy, resilient, confident and considerate human beings.
A positive of the book is that it tackles a number of everyday issues and provides some quick measures of what you can do (so when you are actually in the situation, you're not scrambling for a response, or worse, reacting without thinking at all). As a result, this review includes some key points, so I can remember them too (noting that when you see them written, they're not rocket science - easy to say, not always easy to do).
So for instance, in his top parenting tips, he states
1. 'if you really want your children to succeed then learn when to leave them along. When you lighten up, they'll fly higher (Don't do anything for your children that they can do themselves), and therefore, maintain realistic expectations, give your kids responsibilities, model how to face challenges and praise effort as well as achievement.
2. A firm and respectful 'no', is crucial to our children's moral development - kids need boundaries, there are natural consequences (ie, you forget your toy outside and it will rust), or logical consequences (repeatedly interrupting may mean you need to leave the room). Make sure the consequences are: immediate (as best you can), start with small things, ask 'what' they have done not 'why' (not sure I always agree with this btw), avoid consequences that restrict development (like missing seeing relatives who are important to attachment, etc), and don't be a hypocrite. Also recognise boredom can be good - they can lead to initiating activities themselves.
3. Listen to your children - attentive, reflective, paraphrasing, etc
4. Do stuff together - fun things and chores
5. Handle meltdowns with dignity (an important one for me) - welcome and talk about feelings, but limit behaviour. Also includes changing your thought patterns, say from 'I can't do this, everything is ruined' to 'its frustrating but not the end of the world. Ways to deal with this include separating the child from the behaviour (in talking about it and working it through - another way expressed is 'attack the problem not the person), minimise talking but help find solutions.
6. Seeing the glass as half full - 'the approach you take to living, loving and parenting, which has a huge, if imperceptible, influence on your kids'. Ideas include 'focus on the good stuff, do one kind thing a day, hang out with happy people, listen for subtext, and practice mindfulness'.
7. Stick to routines - 'if your household is completely out of control, how can you expect your children's behaviour to be anything but out of control?' Covering issues of sleep and bedtime routines, hygiene (still have the proper tooth cleaning battle in our house), food, after school activities, and family rituals.
8. Get a life - 'parenting is not meant to be an exercise in martyrdom'. If we think of our babies as needing to fit into our lives rather than the other way around, life becomes better for everyone. Tips include 'look after your relationship (time together, creating a united front, maintaining a strong connection to each other), look after yourself (get enough rest, eat real food, stay connected with others, accept help, ditch the idea of perfection)
He then goes on to write about a list of common scenarios and approaches to addressing them.
All good, sound, logical advice.
Where I struggle is some of the assumptions that are made about the parents in this equation. While Michael acknowledges that 'we can't be perfect parents', some of the solutions he proposes stray close to this, particularly for people who are a) single, without close family or support, or with a partner who due to work (or whatever) is not around often or b) parents suffering health or other major problems.
For instance, he hones in on parents with depression (a sensitive issue for me). 'Parents who are chronically irritable or unresponsive due to depression or anxiety are a danger to their kids ...some kids take on the responsibility of trying to look after a distressed parent. This is unacceptable. Children need the adults in their lives to be strong enough to guide, nurture and set limited. Parents with untreated depression and anxiety will compromise their children's quality of life and stall their development'. Wow. So naïve - I'd thought depression and anxiety was a good thing for kids to see (heavy sarcasm here). So his solution? - 'Parents who experience prolonged anxiety or feelings of hopelessness and being unable to cope must get help'. Right. However what he doesn't acknowledge is that help is not always easy to get - the problem is not always easily identifiable, for instance, and it may take a very long time to address the issues. Likewise, major (non mental) illnesses can also leave parents very drained and unable to provide the role that they would like to. Finally, there is a real assumption of a standard, middle class, nuclear family unit, where the parents are both together and available (and therefore, if 'you are unable to control your frustration with your child, tag team with your partner'). While I am in that fortunate position, many are not.
I understand that the book is an overview, and can't cater for everyone, however I felt these assumptions did detract from what otherwise was a sensible, practical and common sense addition to the toolkit for helping raise healthy, resilient, confident and considerate human beings.
July 28, 2020
I actually really liked this book. I found it on the bench after my aunty had given it to my mum for her to read, and I picked it up and started flicking through. Then I started laughing at the author's comments and advice, before I knew it, I had read the whole book. It does give out good advice on how to raise and deal with kids, it talks a bit about toddlers but it manly explains kids from ages 5,7- 16, 18. But, it was really good. And let's get this straight I'm not a parent I'm only 14.
December 15, 2014
Strictly Parenting
By Michael Carr-Gregg
“Everything you need to know about raising school aged kids”
Australian family psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg challenges parents to look at their parenting styles. He looks at different styles in detail.
He provides common traps for parents, and practical advice on everyday situations, such as parties, bed times sex and drugs.
Developmental stages for children and teenagers are examined, solving problems, top parenting tips, etc.
The third section – answers issues raised by parents, children, and teenagers.
This is a very practical book. A must read for every parent.
By Michael Carr-Gregg
“Everything you need to know about raising school aged kids”
Australian family psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg challenges parents to look at their parenting styles. He looks at different styles in detail.
He provides common traps for parents, and practical advice on everyday situations, such as parties, bed times sex and drugs.
Developmental stages for children and teenagers are examined, solving problems, top parenting tips, etc.
The third section – answers issues raised by parents, children, and teenagers.
This is a very practical book. A must read for every parent.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews