Genre: YA/SciFi
Rating: 1.0/5
Review Book One: The more I thought about this novel while reading, as kind of my own self-discerning hypocritical apotheosis, I came to the conclusion that while I do not make sense most of the time with regard to book reviews, I do know comedic genius when I see it.
Basically teen super-star basketball stud/ice climber and genius, Kyle (Kai) is a YA douchebag. Looks, grades, demeanor, hot/rich girlfriend…..he’s got it all. Oh, except he’s kind of poor (sniff, sniff) because he has two hippy parents that don’t charge enough for their art work (OH THE HUMANITY!!!!).
While on the road to becoming class valedictorian and basketball/academic scholarship winner he stumbles? upon some desperate information that leads him into big trouble. Helping Kyle (Kai) with this vexing and righteous problem is Billy. Misunderstood since they were in grade school together, she now has the body of an avenging angel and a mind like a crackerjack on crackety crack. When those humorless but sparkling grey/blue eyes (with flecks of green) descend on you, well you know, you get all earnest and puppy-like in your responses. Yeah no wise cracking.
So long before these two start snogging on each other, Kyle talks to an old rummy miner that was released temporarily from the nursing home to drink in a bar hundreds of miles away. And what he is told will like totally fuk up your day, no life, no liveszzzzzzz. See the plot is……..everyone has a government issued face due to a Chinese plague that ravaged the original persons face. Forget that the science behind it makes no sense, just believe it bitch. Muahhahaha?? So Kyle steals all the info related to the original faces coding and the government is going to kill people, towns, and cities to keep this secret.
So you have a new pretty face, but getting the real you back would cause untold horrors that justify deathly suppression? Forget believing old drunks and getting access to a secret underground installation all in the time it takes to pee your name in the snow but for what possible reason could any of this be relevant unless in future books it goes deeper? Cloning or a replicating virus friggin’ mutation comes to mind. Shjt I would accept a crazed and frothing bobcat leaping the species barrier with virulence and only super Kai (Hai Yah!) and his trusty boner erector, Billy, can chase down this vector with a conveniently timed gift of a snow capable UTV. But the best that you can do is reminiscent of Face Off?
Well Kai wants to dump his rich hotty for Billy, whom after snogging on an old couch for 5 minutes is his soul mate whom he can share thoughts and emotions with. Pretty deep eh? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Good thing Billy is an expert snowboarder, computer genius and smoking hot with lots of endurance cause’ Kai watched her swim laps in a pool for 40 minutes straight. Pervy? Maybe. So anyway, she has all these skills (she can cook in a restaurant too) that help his Kainess in every situational event when Deus Ex is needed. Like hacking into the Dark Web or breaking into impregnable data cubes, snarking at Kais’ rich GF, exposing a bare midriff with a six pack or noticing without looking that Kai is checking out her ass. Fuk yeah!!!
Well sadly, this was not written in the comedic genre although it belongs in some reserved and nebulous space of honor. The writer is a good writer, technically, with really bad plot ideas. The editing is atrocious. Grammatical and spelling errors are rife, and I mean like on every other page. Continuity issues are also interspersed throughout the novels.
There is every inclination to zero this POS yet thanks to a writer that grasps flow and descriptive interchange, I find myself resisting that pull. I want to know if super Kai finally bangs Billy the closet lesbo (just re-iterating) and if Agent Cox gives Agent Gupta a meat sandwich (my words) and helps rescue these rascals whom he is tasked to hunt down and KILL!!!
Stay tuned muthafukas!
Review Book 2: This was pretty much the same as the first. Same lame plot dragged out to infinity with Super Boner Kai running around a small town and pissing everyone off.
So for some reason we are supposed to not only accept the idea that your stupid face needs another stupid face that is pretty much the same because IT’S A LIE!!!! Also the idea that Indian reservations are so sovereign that not even the BIG BAD GOVERNMENT can get in there to check it out. I hate to inform the writer but having lived and worked on a reservation for 30 years the government can and does whatever the fuck it wants, anytime. You just don’t find reservations, especially the COEUR D ALENE reservation that is not a checkerboard of ownership due to the Reorganization ACT. Tribal members are assimilated and dependent. Although I laud the idea of a sovereign state, it sadly, does not exist except in your mind.
There is more bad science with regard to liquid nitrogen on skin with an immediate necrotizing attribute. I invite you to look up the Leidenfrost effect to gain some functional knowledge that is not laden with misguided ideas.
There are more continuity errors (Rush switching from beer to Black Velvet) and grammatical errors riddle the pages throughout. I am stopping here in this series because Kai’s boner love for Billy Ten Bears continues to swerve about the road like a rutt-drunk moose in a snowstorm. The big question for the next cliff hanger is “Will Billy like her new face that is like her old face and will Boner-Kai want to slip her the snausage if she lacks a life wrinkle?….. DUN, DUN, DUN!!!!!!”.