Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

by Shahida Arabi

Those who have had a narcissistic parent can testify to how damaging it can be to one’s psyche. Narcissistic parents lack empathy, show a severe sense of entitlement to micromanage the lives of their children and often subject their children to neglect, as well as emotional, psychological and physical abuse. From the unique challenges daughters of narcissistic fathers face to the ways in which adverse childhood experiences affect our brains, Shahida Arabi's insightful essays resonate deeply with those who have been raised by narcissistic parents. In this new essay collection, Arabi explores how narcissistic abuse in childhood can set us up for trauma repetition in adulthood, affecting how we navigate relationships, the self, and the world. She pinpoints the toxic traits and behaviors of narcissistic mothers and fathers, exposing how covert abuse insidiously plays out in these specific dynamics. She offers the essential tools, skill sets and healing modalities for survivors who have undergone a lifetime's worth of abuse, helping them to break the cycle once and for all for future generations.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Personal Development, Audiobook

357 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 23, 2019

Reviews

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good guide for a hard journey

I have read many books on narcissism and how to heal and grow from being raised in it. Unlike this book, most others tend to be solely opinion based and don't understand nearly the depth of the issue. This book provides not only names to issues, but also steps to overcome those issues. I also appreciate that it is more research based rather than tapping into a difficult topic with no background understanding. I would highly recommend this to anyone who has struggled, or struggles, with this.

[Annie Kaszina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shahida Arabi’s book, “Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists” made me cry for all the innocent children of Narcissists who suffered, unsupported and unprotected. It also brought the huge belief of validation. Finally. After all the years of struggling through family rejection and accusations alone, it felt hugely healing just to see that torment clearly described on the page. Arabi has taken the “Invisible War Zone” of the title and exposed it to the healing light of day.

Despite being written by a professional for professionals as well as lay people, the book is reassuringly readable. The book is packed with precious, healing, easy to understand information. But that does not in any way convey the remarkable quality of Arabi’s prose. You could easily spend hours processing the full significance of a single sentence. But the value of the book does not end there.

As a survivor herself, Arabi knows the difficulty of healing the deep, chronic wounds she describes. So, she sets out an exhaustive list of – appropriate - tools, techniques and therapies for healing. As a survivor and long-term abuse recovery therapist myself, I really appreciate the breadth of her approach and the generosity of her sharing. While there can be no “quick fix” for healing these deep wounds she shares a vast array of tools that you can use to soothe your pain, transform your view of yourself and get closure on your experience.

The book ends with a celebration of the “Superpowers” that all children of Narcissists have. The therapeutic value of this chapter alone is more than worth the price the book. It is a rare and precious of Arabi’s empathy with and compassion for every survivor of a Narcissistic family.
If you are a survivor yourself, work with survivors of narcissistic families or want to work with them this book is indispensable.

[Juan Pablo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Shahidi knocks another one out of the park!

A lot of literature focuses on understanding the narc, the ins & outs of narcissism. This book is for the person who was a victim & is seeking to thrive. It is filled with tips, pointers, experiences that will feel all to familiar & a voice for opinions of what it felt like before, during & after for other survivors. It will let you know you are not alone & that living in a healthy manner is possible.

[Kayla Behforouz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not as helpful as my therapist hoped it would be

[Mikyl Swoboda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot stress enough how solid this book is for adult children recovering from covert and/or overt narcissistic abuse. It is exhaustive in explaining how hidden abuse works, the key terms, the different relationship dynamics of father daughter, mother son etc, and the healing methods in which to move forward after going no contact, years of therapy, complex ptsd, smear campaigns and isolation from those that are unaware, uneducated, and/or blinded on this matter. The author and individuals that give testimonies from survivors and therapist have done an extensive work here. I’m so grateful for those that took the time to share their stories and for the therapist that have made it their mission to understand this insidious, hidden and soul altering form of abuse to help people like myself move forward, heal, draw hard lines, grieve and ultimately break a cycle once and for all.

[Amethyst · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this is probably a good resource for people who know little about narcissism but a lot of the information is readily available on the internet. The best resource online I have found is the reddit subforum Raised By Narcissists. The section in this book about recovering from narcissists is probably helpful for people either who can afford therapy or people who can benefit from help. Unfortunately nothing can be done for someone like me so it was no use for me, but I am sure other people will find it useful in their recovery journey. If Raised By Narcissists had been around when I was growing up, I might have had a chance at a better life. Oh well🤷🏽‍♀️

[Madison Lacina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was recommended to me by my therapist. I would probably give it a 3.5 as there was some really good content and “homework” that I will come back to and complete.

Issues for me were some grammatical and spelling errors….I never understand how this happens in a published book. I’m also just not a self help book person, so maybe my review is a little harsh. I think it could be helpful for people that have went through specific and severe trauma.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must for anyone who grew up with a narcissistic parent. Incredibly healing and practical. I loved that is not so heavy on empowerment and making meaning out of your pain and experience, but rather meets you right where you are. As children of narcissistic parents we need the support, validation, self trust, and rebuilding of our self esteem before we can move forward. I like how this book doesn’t try to fast forward through that towards a goal that we so desperately want to achieve but there are steps to be taken first. It’s clear that Shahida Arabi understands this situation deeply and the unique war zone we grew up in. Traditional “advice” and positive thinking doesn’t work here, and I thank her for understanding that and writing this book!

[Cody · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a powerful book. This was such an illuminating and hopeful read. If you experienced the pain of narcissists, I highly recommend reading this slowly with plans for self care. I was able to accept the ways my body is impacted to this day and gave me the space to grieve and heal.

[Hisgirl85 · Rating 4 out of 5]

High 4 stars. I think this has more information specific to the topic and subtopics than I have seen gathered in any previous book. I feel this is especially helpful if you're interested and ready to seek help.

I'm hoping to work through this a bit more slowly after a break and with possible support from my counselor. There are a lot of resources mentioned and actionable steps to take.

I will say that having so much information allows for a bit of repetition, especially when other survivors are offering advice. Crossover exists, too, with many of the same steps being helpful for different struggles.

Perhaps after revisiting and engaging more with the book, the rating will be higher.

[Lilla P. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good - and beyond painful, but was expected - read for people who struggle with people-pleasing tendencies, self-loathing/-questioning all the time unreasonably, entering and enduring toxic relationships (of any kind), like myself. Very hard to read that we were wired in the brain wrong during our most vulnerable times (childhood) and ended up being conditioned for the worse which may not be our faults but if we don't take mindful actions, our life will be effected badly, spiriling back to the same old patterns (I must crucify myself to be seen as a worthy person, no? Well, no.)...so essentially it's all on us...but I am very happy to hear/read that I am not alone (not that I would ever wish this on anyone! But you know what I mean). The book had some really great parts making me understand what happened and why it "had to" happen during my childhood and how it effects me today (literally word by word, like if someone wrote a book about me) and gave some pretty good tips on how to handle my triggers and faulty picture of myeself (not fix...but handle) and even gave some comfort with telling me what kind of great super powers i developed due to my handicap. On the other hand, the book felt a bit unnecessarily lengthy, lot of repetitions, but all in all happy to have read it.

[Rochel · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a person who reads a lot about c-ptsd and childhood trauma, there was nothing in this book that was new information for me, and I didn’t like the way it was organized. It felt more like a flow of consciousness than an informative book. I was pretty disappointed.

[Zhenya Goma · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book collects and organizes material Arabi published in various venues, along with ideas for self-care, quotations from survivors and therapists, self-reflection exercises, and the results of her survey of survivors of NPD abuse. This is by far the most interesting and helpful aspect of the book, as other parts have already appeared in other locations. This book is ambitious, and it attempts to do a lot, but that can lead it to be superficial at times. This is a good book for someone who knows a bit about NPD and wants to learn a bit more. One of the very important services it provides is to show survivors that their experiences are shared by many other people. When validation is so hard to find, especially for survivors of narcissistic abuse, this can be a powerful healing tool.

[Sonia Cuerda · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for children of a narcissistic parent

I stated my journey of reading and searching for information about this disorder over a year ago. I have more information since then. This book is a must read for all the children who suffer the consequences of having one or two parents with this disorder, for a partner or a mental health worker. It is not only well research, it is also spoken by someone who lived it as well. It is well explained, a compilation of essays plus other chapters added for this book purpose.
It is also full of compassion and understanding.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who is in the process and the long journey of healing from this horrible childhood and experiences

[Katy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great resource blending practical application helps as well as knowledge and research about adults raised by narcissists. I listened to the audiobook to help me understand a close friend better and what this friend went through. I was so glad I did. I never comprehended what it had been like and what the effects were into adulthood. But even as a child not raised by narcissists, I found things in it I wanted to make sure I did better with my own children, as well as concrete ways to help set boundaries with troublesome people. A good read overall. Secular with splashes of spirituality of various kinds.

[Jenee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful book, I’ve already recommended to a handful of people. Narcissism has deep hooks, particularly for children who grow up in and around it. This book not only explains what behaviors, self-criticisms, and beliefs may be tied to abuse in childhood, but also suggests how to heal them. The author includes helpful exercises for changing perception, creating stronger boundaries, and seeing oneself a more accurate (not self-critical or condemning) light. I am so glad to have read it and I will use it as a reference, I’m sure, for years to come.

[Laura B · Rating 4 out of 5]

The invisible war zone is very apt in describing the world that the children of narcissists live in, since birth. Your perception of people, relationships, and the world is shaped differently from other normal people, for life. Even after escaping from this environment, adult children of narcissists still live life in a fundamentally different way from other people.

This book contains many essays with statistics and helpful, practical advice on recovering, and living life in a less traumatic way. The writing is clear and easy to understand. I recommend it highly.

[Sivan Amar · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book and corresponding therapy revealed to me my inner workings, how I can confront them, and how I can redress them for my own healing purposes. I was able to see and understand why my parents are the way they are and what that meant for my childhood and my own traumas. I have a better understanding now of how and why I form certain relationships, and now also how to break out of those toxic cycles. Highly recommend for anyone who sees NPD patterns in themselves; take the steps needed to get free!

[Chlo Delgado · Rating 5 out of 5]

Necessary read to begin to understand the impacts of growing up in the invisible war zone. It has in-depth lists of narcissistic parent characteristics and their abusive tactics, with surveyed percentages of adult children that have experienced each trait. It's kind of crazy to see what carbon copies narcissists are. This book definitely became what I refer to when I say "they're a textbook narc". It even includes introductory research on Complex PTSD from narcissistic abuse.

[Essie (Sarah) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Chef’s kiss! This book is wonderfully informative and gives genuinely great guidance on how to heal from narcissistic abuse and how to avoid finding narcissistic friends, partners, and work environments in future relationships.

note: If you’re looking for healing modalities, they are in the second half of the book while the first half focuses on what a narcissistic parent is and how their children will likely behave and cope throughout adulthood.

[Jonah Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life-changing read!

Reading through this book was like reading my own biography. It pointed out many of my own flaws, as well as the wrongs that had been done to me to cause them. This book inspired me to start making positive changes for my future and allowed me to begin my healing journey. Thank you so much for writing this. It truly saved my life!

[Jacquie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The content of this book is good but there are frequent typos and grammar errors which can be a bit distracting. My favorite is when the author calls narcissists douchebags and assholes lol
Also for some reason shell refer to something ("see my recommendations here") and the word here refers to nothing no website or footnote or anything.

[Cristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was surprised by how much information was in this book! It was all very fascinating, easy to read and navigate though. But, I can see how it could be overwhelming to some readers/researchers. My suggestion is to skip around to the parts you feel relate to you. This is by far the best resource I’ve found on the subject of narcissistic and anti-social personality disorder.

[Irina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me feel seen and understood in a way that I craved for so long. The description of the covert narcissist was incredibly specific. This book did for me what I needed to move forward in my healing journey and to help my siblings understand why we dealt with the trauma and pain and how we can move forward.

[Ksenia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I stumbled across this book by chance. And I’m glad. I recommend it to anyone trying to spread their beautiful wings and break free from the false feeling of guilt, shame, self-blame, unworthiness, etc. It might help you understand if the root of your misfortunes and mental burden is hidden deep in your childhood, and learn about your superpowers. Do you have people in your life who instead of lifting you up, downgrade you? Do you feel that you have to constantly prove that you are worthy? Good news—you are worthy! The book will help you spot the signs of narcissism and give you “the power to observe the toxic actions of others from a detached perspective. When we are allowed to observe the chaos from a place of calm observation, we can then better look for solutions rather than continuing to feed into the problem.”
The author highlights the necessity to set healthy boundaries with toxic parents, and sometimes even to say “goodbye” to protect your physical, emotional, psychological, and social well-being. I agree with her message to not allow hate and evil thoughts make your heart bitter.

Whatever you have been through, try to be more self-compassionate, and show compassion to others, because God is love, and you are His child, and you must honor what honors God. And this theme is much better covered in the book “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” by Lysa Terkeurs —I sincerely recommend it!

“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.” Christ Jesus, our Lord and Savior

[Ute Weiß · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shahida Arabi‘s research is flawless.

Her books are among the best available on narcissistic abuse.

Recommended for every survivor of those terrible predators. Her books and insight can change your life.

[Emily Spott · Rating 2 out of 5]

Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists is a book of peaks and valleys. There are real points of strength in the discussion of Narcissism and NPD. However, the book really only provides a skimmed overview of the strategies and solutions to handling a narcissistic parent and recovery.

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life. If you identify with the title, I would venture to say that getting a copy is one of the wisest things you can do in your lifetime.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one I know I’ll come back to over and over. I’ve never felt more seen or understood by a book before. I only wish I’d read it sooner.

[Ashley Moga · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands down the best book. It answered so many questions about my childhood. Helped me start the process of healing from my Borderline Personality Disorder Mother.