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Queer Me!: Halfway Between Flying and Crying
Tim discovers to his horror at 13 that he has fallen deeply in love with another 13 year old boy. The coming of age story of a shy queer teenager in the Swinging Sixties in the UK, this true story is the dramatised diary of Tim's teenage school days. The emotional ride starts on his 13th birthday on the 5th of August 1965, in a grey coast town in North Wales while he still is certain he's heterosexual, and ends as he leaves school in December 1970 aged 18.
His parents never understood who he was, never realised he had insecurities, was failing, was in love, was afraid of them, that he needed help. They told themselves he was a perfect China Doll. Queer China Dolls were faulty. In his family faulty China Dolls were smashed. This is the UK when homosexuality was first illegal; then, in the days leading up to its legalisation for consenting adults in the UK in 1967, it was talked about in parliament and the press as abhorrent, a perversion, an abomination.
These were bleak times to be a gay teenager, yet Tim shows his hopes and fears throughout. The places are real, so are the boys. The names are changed to protect the innocent and the guilty alike
His parents never understood who he was, never realised he had insecurities, was failing, was in love, was afraid of them, that he needed help. They told themselves he was a perfect China Doll. Queer China Dolls were faulty. In his family faulty China Dolls were smashed. This is the UK when homosexuality was first illegal; then, in the days leading up to its legalisation for consenting adults in the UK in 1967, it was talked about in parliament and the press as abhorrent, a perversion, an abomination.
These were bleak times to be a gay teenager, yet Tim shows his hopes and fears throughout. The places are real, so are the boys. The names are changed to protect the innocent and the guilty alike
451 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 29, 2019
9 people are currently reading
17 people want to read
About the author
Tim Trent
1 book15 followersTim Trent is an English author who writes to rid himself of his demons.
Well, that's a great start, isn't it? But his demons do appear in his writing, not least of which in his first work, 'Queer Me!'. If you want to learn more about the hothouse of his imagination in his teenage years, this is a dramatised, fictionalised diary of his time at a great British Public School clinging to chalk downland. The school did the clinging. Hmm. So did Tim.
He was born in 1952 in London, by all accounts a lovely little boy, and grew up the only child in the Worcester Park home where his father, a refugee from Vienna, Hitler, and the Holocaust, had Immigrant Syndrome. He strove to be more English than the English. His mother was an English Rose, and he was much loved, though it never quite felt that way, for it was without tangible affection. His was a strangely privileged childhood, granted to him by his struggling middle class family who clung on to solvency by their fingertips.
Imagine his shock to discover he had fallen in love with another 13 year old boy very soon after he moved to Public School in 1965. He deals with that shock, the horror of it, in 'Queer Me!'
He achieved failing his BSc in Metallurgy at Birmingham University in grand style. Tim loved technical theatre, and he put fun above academe by spending his time as a lighting and stage managing kid, and not really a being student at all. When he typed that sentence autocorrect altered his miskeying of 'fun' as 'ruin'. It seems his Freudian Slips follow him everywhere.
His first full time job was as a Civil Servant. It wasn't great to be homosexual in the 1975 UK Civil Service, and stress over concealing his real self meant he hid from himself as well as the world. That was not helped by his move to the harsh and unpleasant world of the nascent computer industry where he worked for US corporations variously as a support agent, a trainer, a salesman, and a marketing bloke. Retiring at the age of 57 was a blessed relief.
He was very lucky to fall for a lovely and pretty girl in October 1978, real love, proposed to her a week later, and has been married to her ever since Bastille Day in 1979. They have a son a lovely daughter in law and a granddaughter.
He loves boats and sailing. In his retirement he teaches sailing and powerboating for a South Devon charity which takes folk with disabilities afloat and helps put fun and managed risk into lives that might not have any otherwise. He ran a charter boat for a while and has a part time job for his local harbour authority ferrying people to and from their boats. He always wanted to be a professional waterman since he taught kids to sail on the Thames at Surbiton as as a late teenager. Now he is. A Waterman, not a teenager.
Well, that's a great start, isn't it? But his demons do appear in his writing, not least of which in his first work, 'Queer Me!'. If you want to learn more about the hothouse of his imagination in his teenage years, this is a dramatised, fictionalised diary of his time at a great British Public School clinging to chalk downland. The school did the clinging. Hmm. So did Tim.
He was born in 1952 in London, by all accounts a lovely little boy, and grew up the only child in the Worcester Park home where his father, a refugee from Vienna, Hitler, and the Holocaust, had Immigrant Syndrome. He strove to be more English than the English. His mother was an English Rose, and he was much loved, though it never quite felt that way, for it was without tangible affection. His was a strangely privileged childhood, granted to him by his struggling middle class family who clung on to solvency by their fingertips.
Imagine his shock to discover he had fallen in love with another 13 year old boy very soon after he moved to Public School in 1965. He deals with that shock, the horror of it, in 'Queer Me!'
He achieved failing his BSc in Metallurgy at Birmingham University in grand style. Tim loved technical theatre, and he put fun above academe by spending his time as a lighting and stage managing kid, and not really a being student at all. When he typed that sentence autocorrect altered his miskeying of 'fun' as 'ruin'. It seems his Freudian Slips follow him everywhere.
His first full time job was as a Civil Servant. It wasn't great to be homosexual in the 1975 UK Civil Service, and stress over concealing his real self meant he hid from himself as well as the world. That was not helped by his move to the harsh and unpleasant world of the nascent computer industry where he worked for US corporations variously as a support agent, a trainer, a salesman, and a marketing bloke. Retiring at the age of 57 was a blessed relief.
He was very lucky to fall for a lovely and pretty girl in October 1978, real love, proposed to her a week later, and has been married to her ever since Bastille Day in 1979. They have a son a lovely daughter in law and a granddaughter.
He loves boats and sailing. In his retirement he teaches sailing and powerboating for a South Devon charity which takes folk with disabilities afloat and helps put fun and managed risk into lives that might not have any otherwise. He ran a charter boat for a while and has a part time job for his local harbour authority ferrying people to and from their boats. He always wanted to be a professional waterman since he taught kids to sail on the Thames at Surbiton as as a late teenager. Now he is. A Waterman, not a teenager.
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
May 25, 2020
Truth of unrequited love
It took me some time to read through this book. Mainly because it was the first time I read a diary style story. I found myself chuckling at how the British use some words like pissing.
Then one passage had me rolling on the floor.
"Aunts seem to need to be kissed. It must be something about showing off their moustaches."
My mum is like this with all my cousins. So I couldn't help but nod.
Now we come to Tim. My heart aches for this man. And so would yours irrespective of whom you love. Whether you are a man in love with a woman or a woman longing for another woman, you would feel his pain because at some point or another, most of us have faced unrequited love.
Many are thankful for it like Tim, many wish it had never happened, many don't know how to make sense of it. All we can agree on is, it is unfair, at the same time, acknowledging there's nothing to be done. I could relate to his feelings, his turmoil, his anguish. Would the girl I love hate me if she learned my secret? Would she forever not talk to me?
Queer me, is basically the daily life of a boy in the 1960s going through childhood asking questions to an empty audience because he doesn't have anyone else to whom he can ask them. His difficult, not horrible but difficult, relationship with his parents was shocking to hear from an outsider's perspective. But I guess it was common in Britain during that time.
The story does drag because it is a journal style book. So if you're looking for a quick paced read, then this is not the book for you. If you're expecting drama and romance, then there's only that which many of face in real life (journal entry remember).
But if you want to know what it meant to be queer in Great Britain during the 1960s, what it meant to live in constant fear of your desires, what it meant to be forced to deny the truth of your love because it meant you would be outed, then this is a real revelation for you. Give it a read is my advice.
It took me some time to read through this book. Mainly because it was the first time I read a diary style story. I found myself chuckling at how the British use some words like pissing.
Then one passage had me rolling on the floor.
"Aunts seem to need to be kissed. It must be something about showing off their moustaches."
My mum is like this with all my cousins. So I couldn't help but nod.
Now we come to Tim. My heart aches for this man. And so would yours irrespective of whom you love. Whether you are a man in love with a woman or a woman longing for another woman, you would feel his pain because at some point or another, most of us have faced unrequited love.
Many are thankful for it like Tim, many wish it had never happened, many don't know how to make sense of it. All we can agree on is, it is unfair, at the same time, acknowledging there's nothing to be done. I could relate to his feelings, his turmoil, his anguish. Would the girl I love hate me if she learned my secret? Would she forever not talk to me?
Queer me, is basically the daily life of a boy in the 1960s going through childhood asking questions to an empty audience because he doesn't have anyone else to whom he can ask them. His difficult, not horrible but difficult, relationship with his parents was shocking to hear from an outsider's perspective. But I guess it was common in Britain during that time.
The story does drag because it is a journal style book. So if you're looking for a quick paced read, then this is not the book for you. If you're expecting drama and romance, then there's only that which many of face in real life (journal entry remember).
But if you want to know what it meant to be queer in Great Britain during the 1960s, what it meant to live in constant fear of your desires, what it meant to be forced to deny the truth of your love because it meant you would be outed, then this is a real revelation for you. Give it a read is my advice.
May 28, 2019
A definite 5*, this book made me laugh myself silly one moment, and cry my heart out the next. It’s like the Adrian Mole diaries, but better.
Much, much better.
I could hear the author’s voice in my head and can only conclude that, not only is he a deeply sensitive and highly intelligent individual, he also has an amazing sense of humour. But this wasn't all laughter and hilarity.
This diary is set 20 years before I went up to high school, yet nothing had changed. Nothing had moved forward. 20 years later, as children on the cusp of adulthood, we still suffered the indignity and anxiety of communal showers after PE; the narrow minded teachers who assumed that if you weren’t good at sport then you weren’t good for anything; the system that often put kids on the rubbish heap long before their lives even got started.
Then there was the heart break of unrequited love, which the author describes perfectly and admits to it having continued to haunt him for much of his adult life. I remember those feelings well. Elated one day, riding the high of love and life, and plummeting to the depths of despair the next. I found that I have a lot in common with the author. I didn’t go to a private school but I suffered much of what he describes. The only difference being that I was in the Air Training Corps whilst he was in the CCF.
To my shame, I found myself wincing at his declarations of love for another boy, and his continuous battles against himself: one minute planning to tell him how he felt, the next shying away. Not because I believe there is anything wrong with homosexuality. Quite the opposite, in fact; I felt the utmost sympathy for his fear and feelings of helplessness, and my inner school girl was remembering how cruel kids could be, and I was urging him to “don’t do it! Don’t tell him! You’ll regret it! You’ll be vilified and shamed for it, your life will fall to ruin!” This was because my own journey through the pre-adult education system had not exactly been an easy one, and that’s an understatement. I would take a step back at this point in the text and remind myself that he had nothing to be ashamed of and should never have felt the need to hide his true self.
The author uses his own history to effectively discuss the injustice of labels, and highlight the hypocrisy of society’s expectations and prejudices. Don’t get me wrong; I think that in the right context labels can be useful so I would never demonise them. It’s when they fall into the wrong hands and are misused that they become dangerous. The author is gay, but later on fell in love and married a woman. As he so rightly points out, love ignores orientation: you can’t help who you fall in love with (and neither should you) and no one chooses to be gay or to not be gay. Love is love; it’s as simple as that.
Things have moved forward a lot since the 1960s, and even since the 80s, but there is still a lot of prejudice and ignorance to tackle. I can only hope that this journal of a teenager’s life, and his battles with a society that refused to understand him, will prise open a few more eyes and lead to a greater understanding of the depths of the human soul.
Much, much better.
I could hear the author’s voice in my head and can only conclude that, not only is he a deeply sensitive and highly intelligent individual, he also has an amazing sense of humour. But this wasn't all laughter and hilarity.
This diary is set 20 years before I went up to high school, yet nothing had changed. Nothing had moved forward. 20 years later, as children on the cusp of adulthood, we still suffered the indignity and anxiety of communal showers after PE; the narrow minded teachers who assumed that if you weren’t good at sport then you weren’t good for anything; the system that often put kids on the rubbish heap long before their lives even got started.
Then there was the heart break of unrequited love, which the author describes perfectly and admits to it having continued to haunt him for much of his adult life. I remember those feelings well. Elated one day, riding the high of love and life, and plummeting to the depths of despair the next. I found that I have a lot in common with the author. I didn’t go to a private school but I suffered much of what he describes. The only difference being that I was in the Air Training Corps whilst he was in the CCF.
To my shame, I found myself wincing at his declarations of love for another boy, and his continuous battles against himself: one minute planning to tell him how he felt, the next shying away. Not because I believe there is anything wrong with homosexuality. Quite the opposite, in fact; I felt the utmost sympathy for his fear and feelings of helplessness, and my inner school girl was remembering how cruel kids could be, and I was urging him to “don’t do it! Don’t tell him! You’ll regret it! You’ll be vilified and shamed for it, your life will fall to ruin!” This was because my own journey through the pre-adult education system had not exactly been an easy one, and that’s an understatement. I would take a step back at this point in the text and remind myself that he had nothing to be ashamed of and should never have felt the need to hide his true self.
The author uses his own history to effectively discuss the injustice of labels, and highlight the hypocrisy of society’s expectations and prejudices. Don’t get me wrong; I think that in the right context labels can be useful so I would never demonise them. It’s when they fall into the wrong hands and are misused that they become dangerous. The author is gay, but later on fell in love and married a woman. As he so rightly points out, love ignores orientation: you can’t help who you fall in love with (and neither should you) and no one chooses to be gay or to not be gay. Love is love; it’s as simple as that.
Things have moved forward a lot since the 1960s, and even since the 80s, but there is still a lot of prejudice and ignorance to tackle. I can only hope that this journal of a teenager’s life, and his battles with a society that refused to understand him, will prise open a few more eyes and lead to a greater understanding of the depths of the human soul.
March 28, 2020
I was mislead by the 5* reviews. I don't consider this story near that worthy. I stopped for a while for lack of interest. Finally finished it.
I felt sorry for innocent John having a chum that was secretly obsessive but was not all that good of a friend, acting in ways that sometimes treated John less than he deserved, a friend that is good hearted, with honest intentions rather than what must have been for young John sometimes quite confusing behavior and to the reader an uncomfortably conspicuous personality.
Sending the secret birthday cards rather than just handing a card each birthday was bad form for a true friend which Tim never seemed to know how to be.
In summary, John and Tim had little more than a shell of a friendship. Then there was much about boats! Are we supposed to care?
I felt sorry for innocent John having a chum that was secretly obsessive but was not all that good of a friend, acting in ways that sometimes treated John less than he deserved, a friend that is good hearted, with honest intentions rather than what must have been for young John sometimes quite confusing behavior and to the reader an uncomfortably conspicuous personality.
Sending the secret birthday cards rather than just handing a card each birthday was bad form for a true friend which Tim never seemed to know how to be.
In summary, John and Tim had little more than a shell of a friendship. Then there was much about boats! Are we supposed to care?
January 7, 2025
I haven't read the book and I am somewhat confused by the author's profile because he appears to say that he was gay, which he says was not easy in 1975, and married, and has remained married, since 1978. So, is he/was he gay? How does his married life relate to being gay?
It wasn't easy being gay in 1975, I was 17 and at school in Ireland and I can assure you that I was years away from being out and proud, but there is something in this story doesn't make sense. I am also not sure if I want to read this because while it may be a story of being 'gay' in the 1970s but the denouement seems to be get married and live happily ever after.
There just is something wrong here.
It wasn't easy being gay in 1975, I was 17 and at school in Ireland and I can assure you that I was years away from being out and proud, but there is something in this story doesn't make sense. I am also not sure if I want to read this because while it may be a story of being 'gay' in the 1970s but the denouement seems to be get married and live happily ever after.
There just is something wrong here.
Read
May 20, 2019Tim’s story begins on his thirteenth birthday and follows him until he’s eighteen. It despises the struggles of a growing, closed teenager, as he comes to terms with things around him and things occurring in him. During the progression of Queer Me!: Halfway Between Flying and Crying, I noticed Tim, downplay critical events in his life with humor or write about them briefly but never fully talk about, “odd things, families.” However, as Tim begins to try and decipher things in his life, he then became more comfortable describing hardships to his diary, "Instead of the mechanical stuff I saw his face, and the bruise on his bum, and his sore back. I never see pictures when I’m doing it, but I did last night. I only realised when I’d, ahem, finished. That was just odd." I also noticed that as Tim grew so did his writing. "I realised this morning that I don’t have him, so it doesn’t matter if I deserve him or not. It's all in my fucking head, I know it is. Except when it seems like it isn’t." We’re reading these entries how his mind worked and his experiences at the ages of thirteen through eighteen.
I must admit, I wasn’t used to reading from a rather anxious and unrevealing character. However, it interested me because it felt like Tim was testing the waters. Seeing if he could trust us or maybe the things he was writing. Once it wasn't as cold, he’d go in further and further - telling us more and more, until he didn't realize he was all the way in. I couldn't help but think of Tim as rather brave. Given the time period, the inconceivable nature of his parents, and Tim’s increasing feelings - not only did he trust strangers with his most private thoughts, but he wrote it down, published them; knowing it wasn't approved of and understanding the backlash.
To write such a prolific piece knowing the backlash is both brave and inspiring. Tim Trent’s ability to capture inner conflict, loneliness, and teenage angst is truly inspiring. This isn't just a book about a teenager interrupting constantly changing things around him; but rather a book about a boy coming to terms with embedded feelings, changes, and events constantly occurring in him. I believe that all conflicted, confused young adults, like Tim, should dive into his novel.
I must admit, I wasn’t used to reading from a rather anxious and unrevealing character. However, it interested me because it felt like Tim was testing the waters. Seeing if he could trust us or maybe the things he was writing. Once it wasn't as cold, he’d go in further and further - telling us more and more, until he didn't realize he was all the way in. I couldn't help but think of Tim as rather brave. Given the time period, the inconceivable nature of his parents, and Tim’s increasing feelings - not only did he trust strangers with his most private thoughts, but he wrote it down, published them; knowing it wasn't approved of and understanding the backlash.
To write such a prolific piece knowing the backlash is both brave and inspiring. Tim Trent’s ability to capture inner conflict, loneliness, and teenage angst is truly inspiring. This isn't just a book about a teenager interrupting constantly changing things around him; but rather a book about a boy coming to terms with embedded feelings, changes, and events constantly occurring in him. I believe that all conflicted, confused young adults, like Tim, should dive into his novel.
December 19, 2021
Queer Me is an unusual book, well worth the reading. It is a diarised account of a English public schoolbou's growing awareness of his homosexuality and his obsessive attachment to another boy who is, while apparently a friend, is otherwise remote and unaware of his intense feelings towards him. The events are set in the mid to late 60's, a period when homosexual activity is initially illegal, then partially decriminalised for over 21's. Tim, the author, is both terrified by his feelings and apparent queerness and thrilled by the fantasy possibilities of being loved by another boy. If found out, he is terrified by what we would now call the torture of conversion therapy, then inc;uding drug therapy and even ECT to "cure" the homosexuals. It's an intense book, the fantasy homages to his potential lover do become a little repetitive, but underly the obsessive nature of Tim's inner thoughts and life. I can certainly recognise many elements of this story. One issue which really came across was just how little the public school did to help and support its pupils, despite the huge sums paid in fees. It seems that the education offered was all about quantity rather than quality, the awareness being, I suppose, that those who survived the system were more or less guaranteed to be eased into an adultt life organised and run largely for the benefit of those ex public schoolboys and their like. There is sadness, lonliness and desperation in this acccount, but it is not a depressing or dismal read, more one which encourages empathy in the reader and some relief that society has, at least in some ways, moved on from that period of terror for those like Tim who became aware of their otherness in that most hostile of eras.
March 17, 2019
Finese
Possibly the most realistic coming of age tale I have had the privilege of reading. The struggle, fear and uncertainty is very relatable to many and not just of my generation.
From living as a man it is refreshing to see the story of a man without falsely over laying love from a women's perspective and passing it off as "love is love". Love is approached different, man to woman as well as gay to bi to trans. This story acknowledged this as well as masculine to effeminate from boyhood to manhood.
Well done Tim Trent.
Possibly the most realistic coming of age tale I have had the privilege of reading. The struggle, fear and uncertainty is very relatable to many and not just of my generation.
From living as a man it is refreshing to see the story of a man without falsely over laying love from a women's perspective and passing it off as "love is love". Love is approached different, man to woman as well as gay to bi to trans. This story acknowledged this as well as masculine to effeminate from boyhood to manhood.
Well done Tim Trent.
June 13, 2019
Queer me – Halfway Between Crying and Flying.
This is a story about love. Obsessive love. About an intelligent boy aware of his differences and thoroughly disliking them. A healthy independent streak helps him to cope and find pleasure among the problems, and even some success in an over-regulated, at times hostile, English public school.
Although terrified of being gay, and determined not to be, he is unable to prevent himself falling in love with another boy.
Far from being a sad story, the style is light and quirky as Timothy relates his trials and tribulations from the age of thirteen to eighteen, with often amusingly self-deprecating insight. He desperately doesn't want to be so much in love, as he makes clear in almost every diary entry, yet the constant protesting about his fate is so cleverly written, changing as he matures, that it becomes an anticipated refrain that is never self-pitying and never tedious.
I enjoyed the glimpses into the life of an English public school that appeared indifferent to the momentous social changes of the time, the reminders of events that excited the world, and the absolute reality of the stresses faced by a personable young man who, from no fault of his own, was born different from the ‘norm’.
I thoroughly enjoyed the book, and unreservedly recommend it.
This is a story about love. Obsessive love. About an intelligent boy aware of his differences and thoroughly disliking them. A healthy independent streak helps him to cope and find pleasure among the problems, and even some success in an over-regulated, at times hostile, English public school.
Although terrified of being gay, and determined not to be, he is unable to prevent himself falling in love with another boy.
Far from being a sad story, the style is light and quirky as Timothy relates his trials and tribulations from the age of thirteen to eighteen, with often amusingly self-deprecating insight. He desperately doesn't want to be so much in love, as he makes clear in almost every diary entry, yet the constant protesting about his fate is so cleverly written, changing as he matures, that it becomes an anticipated refrain that is never self-pitying and never tedious.
I enjoyed the glimpses into the life of an English public school that appeared indifferent to the momentous social changes of the time, the reminders of events that excited the world, and the absolute reality of the stresses faced by a personable young man who, from no fault of his own, was born different from the ‘norm’.
I thoroughly enjoyed the book, and unreservedly recommend it.
May 24, 2022
I've read the other reviews, particularly those that say that the author, Tim Trent, "talks to them". Tim writes from experience and details his obsession for Johnny (and for sailing) in detail, and from the perspective of the age he was at various times in the book.
If you've ever had a teenage obsession then you will get it, and in particular if your obsession is taboo and can't be discussed then you will get what confusion and angst Tim went through.
I loved the writing style.
I read in one review that Tim wasn't a good friend to Johnny because of his real intentions. I don't think Tim's intentions were particularly clear to Tim either. I imagine a lot of friendships may have as their motivation the hope that something more will come of it But we are talking about a young boy who lived this love affair in his own imagination, and the closest he came to realising his love for Johnny was anonymous cards, laying on his lap on a boat, and wanting to spend time with him.
I think Tim has captured the starry-eyed love of youth, and the confusion experienced when someone is different and unable to discuss it with anyone--particularly parents and friends. To have what is "normal" constantly re-inforced by teachers, parents, the media, and the law, and to be aware of the repercussions of "coming out" as different ( now and then) explains a lot about how Tim experienced the world, and in particular his love of Johnny.
I think it is perfectly understandable that Tim loved Johnny and thought he was handsome, then had sexual feelings but didn't know what that actually meant, then thought it was only faces he found attractive, and then found other boys attractive--and the whole time reciting to himself that he didn't want to be queer. There's no doubt plenty of adults have the same conflicts and confusion.
On another level the book was amusing in the way British school life was portrayed including the endless rules, the cadets, the food, the banality of most lessons, the competitiveness, the teachers etc.
This was contrasted with the dread Tim experienced day in and day out of being exposed and ridiculed.
All written with rhe authentic voice of a thirteen year old, and developing as he got older and advanced through the school.
I can see at the end of his school life not having Johnny around to light up his day, in some way took any joy he had in school away.
I think this book would also be of interest and value to young people who are experiencing the same confusion. They are not alone.
I will join the reviewers who have said that this book speaks to them. I get it, and like several others I've been there.
Well done Tim. I look forward to reading your next book.
If you've ever had a teenage obsession then you will get it, and in particular if your obsession is taboo and can't be discussed then you will get what confusion and angst Tim went through.
I loved the writing style.
I read in one review that Tim wasn't a good friend to Johnny because of his real intentions. I don't think Tim's intentions were particularly clear to Tim either. I imagine a lot of friendships may have as their motivation the hope that something more will come of it But we are talking about a young boy who lived this love affair in his own imagination, and the closest he came to realising his love for Johnny was anonymous cards, laying on his lap on a boat, and wanting to spend time with him.
I think Tim has captured the starry-eyed love of youth, and the confusion experienced when someone is different and unable to discuss it with anyone--particularly parents and friends. To have what is "normal" constantly re-inforced by teachers, parents, the media, and the law, and to be aware of the repercussions of "coming out" as different ( now and then) explains a lot about how Tim experienced the world, and in particular his love of Johnny.
I think it is perfectly understandable that Tim loved Johnny and thought he was handsome, then had sexual feelings but didn't know what that actually meant, then thought it was only faces he found attractive, and then found other boys attractive--and the whole time reciting to himself that he didn't want to be queer. There's no doubt plenty of adults have the same conflicts and confusion.
On another level the book was amusing in the way British school life was portrayed including the endless rules, the cadets, the food, the banality of most lessons, the competitiveness, the teachers etc.
This was contrasted with the dread Tim experienced day in and day out of being exposed and ridiculed.
All written with rhe authentic voice of a thirteen year old, and developing as he got older and advanced through the school.
I can see at the end of his school life not having Johnny around to light up his day, in some way took any joy he had in school away.
I think this book would also be of interest and value to young people who are experiencing the same confusion. They are not alone.
I will join the reviewers who have said that this book speaks to them. I get it, and like several others I've been there.
Well done Tim. I look forward to reading your next book.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 21, 2025
In this book, written in the form of a private journal (absolutely not "Dear Diary") the author skilfully recreates his life as a teenage boy at an English public school (i.e. a fee paying private school) in the 1960s. An only child, he suffers from over protective parents who seem determined to thwart his every ambition, mainly to meet girls. The reason he is so determined to meet girls is not what one might think. Young Tim has fallen desperately in love with another boy at school. But he is determined not to be queer and can't wait for this phase to pass. A girlfriend might cure him. Meanwhile Johnny. the object of his desire, remains apparently oblivious to young Tim's devotion, who constantly wrestles with the risk of telling him how he feels.
Young Tim rails like all teenagers against the unfairness of life, in his case his stupid parents and their stupid rules, and against the stupid school and its stupid rules. To get inside the mind of an intelligent, gay teenage boy it would be hard to better this book.
Young Tim rails like all teenagers against the unfairness of life, in his case his stupid parents and their stupid rules, and against the stupid school and its stupid rules. To get inside the mind of an intelligent, gay teenage boy it would be hard to better this book.
January 17, 2020
Very real, poignant, raw emotions, and well written. A very different upbringing than what I had - very interesting and enlightening to me! The book took me through such a wide array of emotions that I have to say the author succeeded in his craft with this one!
September 30, 2019
Realistic, honest, funny, poignant, a little bit sad (in the sorrowful sense), enlightening.
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