How To Be A Gentlewoman

by Lotte Jeffs

Gentlewoman : A woman who blends old-fashioned values with a thoroughly modern and open-minded attitude; using her self-confidence to show up, not show off and her optimism to inspire others and build a happier life.

Women today are under so much pressure to be everything to to be cool, smart, fit, thin (but not too thin!), funny (but not bitchy), a supportive friend, partner and family member. We want to be successful and liked at work, to have opinions about politics, art and literature as well as, well... Kanye West. We strive for more and more Instagram followers rather than working on our real relationships with real friends. Happiness has become just another thing on our to-do list. This book is for any woman aspiring to better herself and live more happily.

This modern Englishwoman tells you how to be a gentlewoman; from knowing how to use a power drill, to making your bed every single day and never eating lunch at your desk. She will take you on a first date, to a party where you should ask someone 'what they are into' rather 'than what they do' and to a dinner party where you should always arrive 11 minutes late. She tells you how to be mysterious, flirtatious and to dine alone, the right way to approach weddings and how to host a kitchen supper (with beer) the end of the night, for a birthday, for a smart date, never asks how to get home because she always knows. How to be a Gentlewoman presents a clear and compelling strategy for navigating life today with charm, care, confidence, consideration and control. Each chapter will include relatable,personal anecdotes and examples, and each will end with a relevant and irreverent list of 'gentle rules'.

Rather than killing it, slaying in your lane, having to be a girl boss or not adopting the subtle art of not giving a f**k, this book teaches you the incredible female power of being gentle in a brutal world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Feminism

256 pages, Hardcover

Published October 15, 2019

Reviews

[Kay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book blends how to be a gentlewoman with the author's personal experiences providing reasoning and real life examples. Although I don't think this is the definitive book of being a gentlewoman, it's well researched and does open the topic for today's times. As the author is British, I do think she's very qualified on that subject although I had to look up some British clothing terms such as trainers (they are tennis shoes or sneakers here in the States). This book is divided in life areas such as home, family, work, clothes, being alone, online, and such. The guidance very much reflects living in a large urban city as London is and won't come off the same for say the countryside gentlewoman. Her world is very different from mine, and I'm sure a lot of other readers as well, although one can draw guidance from it. As I read, I became more interested in the author sharing her life experiences which had a lot of authenticity and style and kept this far away from being a 'dry' rule book read. I think the online guidance is very pertinent and emphasizes controlling online activities and responses as well as the importance of real life face time. This kind of gentlewoman guidance is needed as online activities can affect one for a very long time. Some of the other gentle guidance is impractical to me such as "Sleep with the bedroom window open even in cold weather." This makes sense if you live in London where the weather is more moderate than the 8 degrees Fahrenheit that I woke up to this morning. Some of the guidance may even raise an eyebrow although I think it is valuable guidance, "If you are straight I urge you to be more gay in the way you think about your relationships and future desires." This is NOT gay conversion but rather a mindful seeking of what's meaningful and works described as "...the freedom to pick and mix traditions.." I rate this at 4 stars because I enjoyed reading this and find this informative and worthwhile. It does not reach 5 stars for me because not all of the guidance is of value to me. Of course, the gentle reader can pick and choose as appropriate.

[Erin Cadwalader · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up about two hours after a director's retreat for my brand new job last January where I learned I was being put in charge of launching a revenue-generating initiative focused on soft skill development for scientists. As a recovering scientist with questionable soft skills, crossing paths with this book led me to make an impulsive purchase. I certainly could use any advice on how to be a bit more ladylike wielding soft power, since I'm the type to bring an RPG to a knife fight.

It turns out Ms. Jeffs and I are a lot alike, which means I already do nearly every single thing she recommends (almost to an alarming degree as she is a British lesbian in journalism/marketing who worked for the uber-stylish Elle, and thus you'd think there'd just be greater divergence) and thus I am apparently a bona fide gentlewoman. This surprised me, too. I do think the intended audience is women in their early 20s who haven't figure out why they shouldn't put up with crappy partners and friends as well as crappy bosses.

In addition to advice, it is also partly a memoir, and I honestly would have liked to hear more about her life thus far than her long, bulleted lists of what to do and not do. I did take away a couple of examples though that I can use as case studies for the initiative, so there is that. I also bought several other books that are more gender-neutral in terms of EQ, don't worry. But when you see me reading a lot more self-help type books on here, that's why.

[Crystal · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wasn't overly impressed by this book if I'm being honest. I felt that it was really prescriptive and a little 'preachy'. I wouldn't have usually picked up a book like this, but thought that I would give it a try since my bookclub were reading it. Upon completing it, I actually thought that at parts it was rather boring. It reminded me of the books written in the 50s-60s of how to be the 'perfect housewife'. Saying this, it does promote being an independent woman in the 21st century, however it just didn't resonate or click with me. Small parts of the book were interesting, nevertheless I felt that some of the checklists were cringeworthy and were very pedantic and ostentatious. Perhaps I need to revisit this book, but, maybe when I've run out of books... aka not anytime soon.

[Grace Tankard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thoroughly enjoyed this book. I loved the format with different interviews, lists, recipes and tips. Reading this it felt like a close knowledgeable friend guiding you through some of the difficulties of the modern world with ease and grace.

[Charlotte · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good advice, some that felt like to is from a life that is very far from mine. I found the tone a little condescending which was off putting. Good enough to finish but probably not going to go back on the bookcase.

[Juliet Langton · Rating 2 out of 5]

I tried to get on with this book but was turned off by the condescension of it all. Effectively, this book is one woman telling you to live like she does, because that is the RIGHT way. The advice she gives out isn't bad advice - much of it is common sense - but it is her subjective opinion, rather than based on real evidence of what will lead to better outcomes. I gave up around a third of the way in.

[Chrys · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some really interesting concepts and ideas presented here, and I aspire to becoming a Gentlewoman. I think I'm a work in progress though, and probably will be for a long time yet. Unfortunately the world today seems to be designed to keep us disgruntled, reading this will hopefully help keep us more emotionally graceful.

[Marine Neuilly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really enjoyed the author’s tone and vocabulary as I’m a French reader! First time in my life I have read this word « discombobulated ». It’s a good guide to live a good life being true to yourself but it’s a bit simple to me I would have enjoyed maybe a more psychological experience!

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

A considered and articulate piece of writing on ways in which women can conduct themselves in various contexts (social, work, online) in a way that is powerful, but graceful. The 'lessons' are delivered as gentle advice and guidance, rather than the definitive way to behave and have many useful points that I'm sure I'll refer back to.

This book would make a really nice gift.

[Candace Amos · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked this book. She covered all the bases for how to shape a good life from a very realistic point of view.

[Abbie Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really resonated with me. It felt aspirational but attainable and I felt like Lotte was someone that understood me. I really enjoyed reading this book

[Glenda Franca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! I found it in the old library of my city and I think.. why not? A very good choice! The kindness and to be gentlewoman is always a good idea..

[Carol Kean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Common Sense advice for any civilized human, not just "gentlewomen"

Manners have long been the province of the Old World, with Americans disdaining Europe's "stuffy" rules and social mores. However, the level of social ineptitude or downright rudeness has escalated with the advent of electronics, particularly social media at our fingertips, wherever we go, or wherever wi-fi is available, gadgets in our hands, removing our attention from each other and putting us in a self-imposed timeout from the society of friends, family, and present company.

This book took me a long time to read, in part because it's all common sense, Captain Obvious, "old news" to me. Sadly, I can see where millions of people might need this message on being civilized in the modern world. Much of the advice is so not-new and so universal, it grated on me to keep seeing that word "gentlewoman" on every page, in almost every paragraph. Almost every single chapter applies to all people of all walks of life. Why narrow the audience down to just women? Replacing the over-used word "gentlewoman" with "adult" or "any civilized human" would make this book more universal and accessible.

On the job, do we need to be reminded that the intern has value and merits our esteem? Who hasn't seen a gazillion Facebook memes with all the messages this book offers in one neat, well organized, "relevant," convenient package? Apparently, we do need these reminders. We need a collection of Tips and Guidelines in one place for modern readers who didn't grow up having these common-sense values, aka 'civility," instilled in them.

I read this as a hardcover, compliments of Amazon Vine, not via Kindle, which would have allowed me at least to see my Highlights. Here, I was writing notes and page numbers in a separate notebook, and now, the prospect of sifting, choosing, and hand-typing each excerpt is just daunting.

My one complaint is the page on organizing our closets and discarding that which hasn't been worn in six months (it used to be two years!), that which no longer fits or looks good on us, and so forth, advice we've seen in countless blogs and books.

Advice I love: the "gentlewoman" (or gracious host of any gender, age, or ethnicity) should always have in her home at least six wine glasses, teacups, and other serving ware, and fresh ice in the freezer.

All the advice on cell phones and social media is old news, but packaged in one convenient, comprehensive book, it looks like a great item to gift to someone who is in need of this wake-up call.

I only wish this book were not so necessary in a world filled with so many self-absorbed individuals who overlook the need for courtesy and respect for others.

[Jo C]

As someone who has devoured an entire bookshelf of titles related to etiquette, good manners and when to use an oyster fork, I admit that when I ordered this book I wasn’t sure that I would have anything further to learn.

I have never been so pleased to be wrong, and should point out that if you are looking for directions on how to exit a vehicle gracefully, or the proper way to address a Marquess-this is not the book for you.

The focus of this excellent book by Ms.Jeffs is the internal work that goes into becoming your best and most elegant self. It’s not about surrendering your Crocs collection (although on a personal note: please do that). Ms Jeffs talks about how to deal with disappointment, how to grow comfortable in your own skin, and how to deal with conflict in a way that is both assertive and gentle. The truth is, you can be both assertive and gentle. You can be a number of things that seem diametrically opposed, as long as you are thoughtful and are coming from a place of authenticity. Plus, you can throw a darn good dinner party.

There are mini interviews with a number of different people, with topics that Emily Post wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole such as how to gate crash (elegantly), how to curate your social media feeds to express your true self. She interviews a diverse group of people: a musician who talks about dealing with discomfort on a public sphere, a drag queen and an artist who is a POC known for her vibrant and uplifting artwork. Don’t think of this as some sort of lightweight fluff of a book, despite it’s size. I fully intend to reread to really glean all of the knowledge in this truly excellent book. While I have never had to put my knowledge of oyster fork identification to use, the knowledge from How to Be A Gentlewoman can be used on a daily basis. It’s truly worth the space on my bookshelf.

[❀ Jillian Dolores ❀ · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed listening to this book, I haven’t read or looked at a physical or ebook copy. I liked listening to the audiobook when I was trying to find some productive inspiration but I did find myself getting bored more towards the end of the book. It could of just been because I couldn’t relate to the topic discussed but I felt myself zoning out through the last chapters. Although, I did enjoy the chapter about family planning. I think the author made some very good points and suggestions throughout the entire book. It was a good take on the modern idea of behaving as a respectable and gentle woman. I can understand those who have said that the book made them feel as if they were reading a guide from the 1950’s-1960’s about “how to be a good housewife” but I think that was part of the idea, taking that concept but shifting it to fit this century and the independence of a woman today. I think the idea of having a soft and gentle power is admirable and something everyone should have to some degree. I can definitely say that I gained some memorable advice throughout parts of this book.

[John Mannion · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a fascinating time capsule this book represents. Published in October 2019 it references FOMO, #Metoo and even kiki but provides a gloss for the acronym WFH.

Still, I'm sure the generally solid life and career advice could be adapted for a post-pandemic landscape. After all the many quotations from Greek and Roman thinkers seem to have stood the test of time.

Paragraph two of Chapter 1 references Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's and calls her 'a lost soul, disconnected and endlessly performing a version of herself.' I imagine that the ideal reader for this book would be a sort of 21st century Holly Golightly wishing to escape from such a fate.

[Nguyễn Thị · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read it in the Vietnamese translation book, and this book really helps me to learn more about the concept of how to be more gentle, what it really means to be gentle; the book makes me feel like this is a real home for me; I've been looking for a real woman, truly to be.This book's content is very clear, scientific, and comfortable, and it provides readers with some interesting ways to become more gentle.It's fantastic, and I'm going to put it on my list of "best books."

[nicspages_ · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was good in teaching you how to be a sophisticated elegant woman. This book wasn’t all about feminism which I liked, it’s a book on how to behave and to carry yourself with confidence! I loved it, tho not everything applies to the kind of lifestyle we have from where I am from, it was nice and refreshing to read smth that you can relate to and something you can take away to lead a more confident life!

[Ewa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very nice approach to crucial subjects in these days! Well written, funny, very relaxing and confidence-building. One thing that was hard to relate to, is the fact that her world is a little bit different from mine. But it definitely gave me a broader perspective of thinking about being a gentlewoman in a big city.

[Natalya Vuković · Rating 5 out of 5]

I adored this book. It was inspiring, with small bits of advice that truly helped me navigate the kind of lifestyle I want. Still, this book isn't for everyone.

I, personally, relate to Jeffs' way of life and aspire to approach my day-to-day life in a gentle, feminine, and graceful manner. I felt as though the book was a reminder of all the things I loved best.

However, while that approach works for me - it might not work for you. This book does not provide information that can be useful, or enjoyed by anyone. I'd recommend you flip through the book before committing to it!

[Christie Wong · Rating 3 out of 5]

An odd little book. Interesting to hear from another queer and neurodivergent perspective. I can really empathise with the methodology and how she comes to these conclusions.

As with all books like these, take all of the perscribed ideas with a grain of salt. But it's definitely interesting to delve into the mind of someone else.

[Kayla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good read!

I felt this book had a lot of great tips and I loved how honestly she told this. I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it to anyone wanting tips on how to become a gentlewoman!

[Sandy Morley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of the advice in this book is brilliant. Some quite standard but well put across. Some of it is also clearly not aimed at me.

[Meredith · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nothing particularly new and a bit boring.

[sabine · Rating 2 out of 5]

“because our response to this world, and who we are in it, is the only thing we can truly have power over”

[Clothilde · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some chapters were more interesting than others, some felt quite self-indulgent

[Amanda Truscott · Rating 3 out of 5]

A practical guide to keeping it classy while getting things done.

[Omono Ba · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lotte has revitalize the essence of being a gentlewoman in our generation. Not with just tedious methods but with a self set examples as well

[Hannah Granato · Rating 3 out of 5]

I finished this in a day. A great refresh and insightful for woman who need to slow down, set boundaries, show grace more.

[Daniella · Rating 3 out of 5]

Subjective of me to say (obviously...this is a review), but nothing was groundbreaking. I liked the summaries, format and the premise. 1 star for each.