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Self-Portrait
I’m not a portrait painter. If I’m anything, I have always been an autobiographer.
Self-Portrait reveals a life truly lived through art. In this short, intimate memoir, Celia Paul moves effortlessly through time in words and images, folding in her past and present selves. From her move to the Slade School of Fine Art at sixteen, through a profound and intense affair with the older and better-known artist Lucian Freud, to the practices of her present-day studio, she meticulously assembles the surprising, beautiful, haunting scenes of a life. Paul brings to her prose the same qualities that she brings to her art: a brutal honesty, a delicate but powerful intensity, and an acute eye for visual detail.
At its heart, this is a book about a young woman becoming an artist, with all the sacrifices and complications that entails. As she moves out of Freud’s shadow, and navigates a path to artistic freedom, Paul’s power and identity as an artist emerge from the page.
Self-Portrait is a uniquely arresting, poignant book, and a work of art and literature by a singular talent.
'Fascinating… Painfully honest on what it means to be a woman who puts art first, no matter what.’ Olivia Laing, New Statesman
**Shortlisted for the Slightly Foxed Best First Biography Prize 2019**
Self-Portrait reveals a life truly lived through art. In this short, intimate memoir, Celia Paul moves effortlessly through time in words and images, folding in her past and present selves. From her move to the Slade School of Fine Art at sixteen, through a profound and intense affair with the older and better-known artist Lucian Freud, to the practices of her present-day studio, she meticulously assembles the surprising, beautiful, haunting scenes of a life. Paul brings to her prose the same qualities that she brings to her art: a brutal honesty, a delicate but powerful intensity, and an acute eye for visual detail.
At its heart, this is a book about a young woman becoming an artist, with all the sacrifices and complications that entails. As she moves out of Freud’s shadow, and navigates a path to artistic freedom, Paul’s power and identity as an artist emerge from the page.
Self-Portrait is a uniquely arresting, poignant book, and a work of art and literature by a singular talent.
'Fascinating… Painfully honest on what it means to be a woman who puts art first, no matter what.’ Olivia Laing, New Statesman
**Shortlisted for the Slightly Foxed Best First Biography Prize 2019**
224 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2019
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2462 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 212 reviews
October 31, 2021
Es una belleza esta mujer. Generosa y sincera, cuenta su vida artística, su proceso como mujer. Su pareja, la que la hace sufrir especialmente, el pintor Lucien Freud, sus conflictos como artista y creadora, el ser mamá, y el interior de un alma sensible contada con serenidad y sabiduría, me fascinó. Siento que la amé un poco, porque habla desde su corazón.
June 18, 2022
There were so many times reading this when I found artist Celia Paul’s perspective almost impossible to relate to, despite being engrossed in her writing. This is a memoir of sorts, a fragmented account of episodes from Paul’s life, with a particular focus on her relationship with her mother and, above all, her ten-year involvement with eminent painter Lucian Freud. It was an entanglement that would, I think/hope, be commonly tagged as horribly exploitative or abusive now but seems to have been considered quite reasonable at the time, apparently sanctioned by Paul’s family along with her art-school tutors and friends. Paul met Freud while she was studying at the Slade, a famous art school in London, where Freud was a visiting lecturer. He pursued her and they soon became lovers. It was 1978, Paul was new to London and had had an unusually sheltered upbringing, she was 18 and he was 56. Freud was already legendary for his countless relationships with women – and sometimes, when he was younger, with men. He frequently juggled several women at once, even producing children with more than one over the course of the same year. He formally recognised 14 of these children, including one with Paul, but it’s rumoured there were far more than that.
Paul’s account of her time with Freud, in an on-and-off manner, seems peculiarly understated, almost hesitant, when it comes to fully confronting the nature of their interactions. But it’s clear Freud, with his insistence on his own freedom, which his friends tell Paul is essential to his art, was someone who would now be associated with a particularly toxic form of masculinity. He’s deeply controlling, refusing to give Paul his telephone number, so that she’s forced to wait in for his calls, and he’s unbearably sulky if he phones and she doesn’t answer. He lies about the other women he’s having sex with, yet Paul’s clearly expected to be monogamous. She seems to be just another in a line of seemingly-interchangeable muses, often enshrined in Freud’s paintings through his relentless, male gaze as ‘girl with’ or ‘girl in’ from his 1940s painting of Kitty Garman Girl in a Dark Jacket, to his wife, author Caroline Blackwood, Girl in Bed, onwards. The only obvious difference is that as Freud ages, his women get younger. Freud’s ideal woman, he tells Paul, would be the equivalent of painter Gwen John with the much older sculptor Rodin, someone who’d gladly sacrifice their own needs and work to support their male partner’s vision. Of course, anyone familiar with John will recall that things didn't end well for her; and another of Rodin’s lovers, fellow sculptor, Camille Claudel ended up forgotten and living out her most of her natural life confined to an asylum. Hard too, not to think of Picasso who had similar attitudes towards women, carefully documented in Francoise Gilot’s account of their relationship when she was in her twenties and he in his sixties.
Paul’s clearly aware, quite early on, that Freud’s both casually arrogant and emotionally cruel, but still finds him impossible to resist, something presumably intensified by his iconic status as a “great” artist. Although there are moments when she’s forced to admit her feelings for him are like some form of sickness. Bound up in all of this is an adherence to, or at least a failure to question, various cultural myths of the artist: almost always male, someone whose genius exempts them from reasonable behaviour, whose unique vision must be nurtured and protected at all times. It’s a myth that’s since been debunked across art schools and universities yet somehow persists in pockets of the popular imagination - a way in which “art” can assert its superiority over mere “craft”. From this account, it’s hard to imagine that at the point when Paul and Freud met, this often-gendered notion was already under attack by an array of feminist artists like Hannah Wilke, women artists who were mainly working in fields like performance art or photography. Paul and Freud are, of course, known for figurative art, an area now becoming fashionable again, but for many years linked to quite traditional, rather dated, concepts of what art is or might be.
There’s an incredibly melancholy flavour to Paul’s story, she’s surrounded by fellow students but so much of her life is taken up by Freud, his needs, and his friends - mostly established/establishment figures. But Paul does have a close bond with her mother and her sisters who provide a space beyond Freud’s reach, and although she struggles to retain her sense of self, Paul uses that bond to fuel her own creative work, a series of intimate pieces often featuring her mother or her sisters. Paul does eventually break loose, becoming a respected painter in her own right, but it’s still hard not to read this as a cautionary tale. Although there are brief, tantalising references which could be interpreted as signs that Paul's artistic career benefited from her connection to Freud: he bought her a central London flat/studio; introduced her to critics, gallery owners and prominent artists. I'd have liked her take on this possibility, or an indication of her response to anyone who might adopt this viewpoint, but it's another of the areas she seems reluctant to address head-on. Her memoir’s illustrated with full-colour, examples of her work, which contain echoes both of Gwen John and, oddly, Francis Bacon, demonstrating how her particular, autobiographical brand of art grew out of her experiences.
Paul’s account of her time with Freud, in an on-and-off manner, seems peculiarly understated, almost hesitant, when it comes to fully confronting the nature of their interactions. But it’s clear Freud, with his insistence on his own freedom, which his friends tell Paul is essential to his art, was someone who would now be associated with a particularly toxic form of masculinity. He’s deeply controlling, refusing to give Paul his telephone number, so that she’s forced to wait in for his calls, and he’s unbearably sulky if he phones and she doesn’t answer. He lies about the other women he’s having sex with, yet Paul’s clearly expected to be monogamous. She seems to be just another in a line of seemingly-interchangeable muses, often enshrined in Freud’s paintings through his relentless, male gaze as ‘girl with’ or ‘girl in’ from his 1940s painting of Kitty Garman Girl in a Dark Jacket, to his wife, author Caroline Blackwood, Girl in Bed, onwards. The only obvious difference is that as Freud ages, his women get younger. Freud’s ideal woman, he tells Paul, would be the equivalent of painter Gwen John with the much older sculptor Rodin, someone who’d gladly sacrifice their own needs and work to support their male partner’s vision. Of course, anyone familiar with John will recall that things didn't end well for her; and another of Rodin’s lovers, fellow sculptor, Camille Claudel ended up forgotten and living out her most of her natural life confined to an asylum. Hard too, not to think of Picasso who had similar attitudes towards women, carefully documented in Francoise Gilot’s account of their relationship when she was in her twenties and he in his sixties.
Paul’s clearly aware, quite early on, that Freud’s both casually arrogant and emotionally cruel, but still finds him impossible to resist, something presumably intensified by his iconic status as a “great” artist. Although there are moments when she’s forced to admit her feelings for him are like some form of sickness. Bound up in all of this is an adherence to, or at least a failure to question, various cultural myths of the artist: almost always male, someone whose genius exempts them from reasonable behaviour, whose unique vision must be nurtured and protected at all times. It’s a myth that’s since been debunked across art schools and universities yet somehow persists in pockets of the popular imagination - a way in which “art” can assert its superiority over mere “craft”. From this account, it’s hard to imagine that at the point when Paul and Freud met, this often-gendered notion was already under attack by an array of feminist artists like Hannah Wilke, women artists who were mainly working in fields like performance art or photography. Paul and Freud are, of course, known for figurative art, an area now becoming fashionable again, but for many years linked to quite traditional, rather dated, concepts of what art is or might be.
There’s an incredibly melancholy flavour to Paul’s story, she’s surrounded by fellow students but so much of her life is taken up by Freud, his needs, and his friends - mostly established/establishment figures. But Paul does have a close bond with her mother and her sisters who provide a space beyond Freud’s reach, and although she struggles to retain her sense of self, Paul uses that bond to fuel her own creative work, a series of intimate pieces often featuring her mother or her sisters. Paul does eventually break loose, becoming a respected painter in her own right, but it’s still hard not to read this as a cautionary tale. Although there are brief, tantalising references which could be interpreted as signs that Paul's artistic career benefited from her connection to Freud: he bought her a central London flat/studio; introduced her to critics, gallery owners and prominent artists. I'd have liked her take on this possibility, or an indication of her response to anyone who might adopt this viewpoint, but it's another of the areas she seems reluctant to address head-on. Her memoir’s illustrated with full-colour, examples of her work, which contain echoes both of Gwen John and, oddly, Francis Bacon, demonstrating how her particular, autobiographical brand of art grew out of her experiences.
January 13, 2021
i started this artist memoir after reading about celia paul in a nyt article written by Rachel Cusk. self-portrait is a beautiful & complicated account of her life as a painter (& the perfect follow-up to Life with Picasso). celia paul (like françois gilot) was a young painter when she met the middle-aged painter Lucian Freud. the parallels between the two women do not end there. both celia & françois spent ten years of their lives with horrible men. freud (much like picasso) was a womanizer, selfish, exploitive, vain, & greedy. both men took inspiration from their partners & undermined their art. celia had one child with freud who BTW had numerous children (14 acknowledged sons and daughters but possibly 30 others). though freud was interested in celia's pregnancy he wasn't so interested in being a father. the dueling responsibilities of motherhood, her relationship with freud, & dedication to her art gave her the strength to eventually leave the bastard freud. reading this memoir i couldn't help but be dazzled by her early life in india, her relationship with her mother, her notebook entries, & her continued life in art.
January 15, 2020
this is an odd and very special book. lots of things are touched upon and barely talked about and yet celia paul gives these things a presence in her book. i admire that. celia paul is an artist but is usually talked about as lucian freuds muse — i like her work better than his stuff, something about the light in her paintings, and the colours she uses in her work is just astonishing. yes, very special.
November 24, 2021
Una vez leí que “la vida está hecha de retazos” y estoy convencido que Celia Paul nos los ha regalado en esta hermosa autobiografía, que se lee como la mejor de las novelas.
Qué buenos libros que nos está dando Chai Editora!
Qué buenos libros que nos está dando Chai Editora!
December 19, 2019
I became interested in Paul and her work after reading Rachel Cusk's article in the New York Times recently. Paul was in a relationship with Lucian Freud which lasted 10 years. They met when she was 18 and he was much older. They had a son but never married. In light of today's Me Too Movement, her story is troubling. She seemed to be an introverted, highly ambitious young artist whose interests focused on painting and little self. I have little sense of her as a fully formed person after reading her memoir. While the illustrations of her work look terrific, I have never seen her paintings in the flesh.
In one excruciating passage, she describes listening for her mother, who is serving as her model, laboriously climb the 80 steps to Celia's studio. Dispassionately watching the poor woman as her labored breathing quiets down. Along with other bags, her mother has also brought breakfast which had to be lugged up those 80 steps. Then she settled into a modelling session lasting several hours. Paul is without consideration for her mother, who not only takes care of Paul's son full time, but makes this trip several times a week by train to serve as model.
Paul's talents clearly lie in her artwork and not her literary leanings. Her sentences are direct, often oddly cut off from the emotions she's describing. She sometimes soars but only when she's describing the act of painting. Other important life changing experiences, like her parents deaths, the birth of her son are described matter of fact, from an emotional distance.
This book raises even more questions than I had before I read it. I was hoping for insight as to why a young woman would willingly love a much older man who was never faithful to her and dedicate 10 years of her life to him. I question who was exploiting whom. He promoted her career and arranged for her to meet prominent people in the art world. But would her career have taken a different path or similar one without his help?? Paul discloses little of herself. Like her family portraits in which she is absent, represented only by her brushwork and artistic considerations, Paul seems more a cypher than a real woman. She seems oddly out of time. Maybe more appropriate for an earlier century.
I look forward to seeing her work and perhaps gaining some insight into Paul. But as to her writing.....think I'll pass.
In one excruciating passage, she describes listening for her mother, who is serving as her model, laboriously climb the 80 steps to Celia's studio. Dispassionately watching the poor woman as her labored breathing quiets down. Along with other bags, her mother has also brought breakfast which had to be lugged up those 80 steps. Then she settled into a modelling session lasting several hours. Paul is without consideration for her mother, who not only takes care of Paul's son full time, but makes this trip several times a week by train to serve as model.
Paul's talents clearly lie in her artwork and not her literary leanings. Her sentences are direct, often oddly cut off from the emotions she's describing. She sometimes soars but only when she's describing the act of painting. Other important life changing experiences, like her parents deaths, the birth of her son are described matter of fact, from an emotional distance.
This book raises even more questions than I had before I read it. I was hoping for insight as to why a young woman would willingly love a much older man who was never faithful to her and dedicate 10 years of her life to him. I question who was exploiting whom. He promoted her career and arranged for her to meet prominent people in the art world. But would her career have taken a different path or similar one without his help?? Paul discloses little of herself. Like her family portraits in which she is absent, represented only by her brushwork and artistic considerations, Paul seems more a cypher than a real woman. She seems oddly out of time. Maybe more appropriate for an earlier century.
I look forward to seeing her work and perhaps gaining some insight into Paul. But as to her writing.....think I'll pass.
May 1, 2022
This memoir focuses mainly on her relationship with Lucian Freud, her mother, and her own dedication to her work. Very readable and often poignant without being sappy. The book itself is also wonderful with thick pages and many illustrations of her own work as well as those of Freud.
March 23, 2020
Such a beautiful book. Paul writes in such an insightful and thoughtful way, providing just the right amount of detail in each passage without rambling on. We’re provided with a unique perspective into the passing of time and Paul’s personal growth and development as a painter. I loved how Paul seems to be actively thinking about her position throughout, and gradually appears to reject traditionally performing the roles assigned to her - particularly those of model (or muse, although notably Paul refrains from ever using this word) and mother. My favourite moments were of Paul describing her painting process, I felt incredibly calm reading them.
July 5, 2023
Que pena no saber un poco más de arte.
November 19, 2021
Toda una vida y obra puede caber en 220 páginas.
El amor en todas sus formas.
Lo que dejaste.
Lo que priorizaste.
La construcción de una personalidad, incluidas locuras y mañas.
La genio comprendida e incomprendida.
Miserias, grandezas.
Ese recorte que hace quien tipea.
Más amores.
Todo en 220 páginas.
El amor en todas sus formas.
Lo que dejaste.
Lo que priorizaste.
La construcción de una personalidad, incluidas locuras y mañas.
La genio comprendida e incomprendida.
Miserias, grandezas.
Ese recorte que hace quien tipea.
Más amores.
Todo en 220 páginas.
Read
November 8, 2022Celia Paul hace un recorrido por su vida como artista, como hija y como amante, sin perderse a sí misma entre todas estas etiquetas. Escribe sus memorias con transparencia y honestidad. Abraza sus particularidades y te hace comprenderlas, a pesar de sus sentires abruptos e intensos, que vienen y van en un mar de vivencias.
Padecí su relación con aquel-pintor-famoso en mis propias entrañas; la relación compleja entre ellos que se sentía a ratos como una caminata agradable por la playa pero, en realidad, al final del día era más como una habitación pequeña y sin ventanas en alguna esquina de la ciudad. Fue una relación dominada por él, y Celia lidió con el maltrato psicológico, la condescendencia y la deslealtad como pudo.
Sin duda, hay varios temas que podemos analizar en el libro: la maternidad, las relaciones familiares, la misoginia en el medio artístico y un largo etcétera. Sin embargo, lo interesante es la perspectiva de Celia Paul (una mujer que crea y se desvive por su pintura) sobre todo esto. Aquella que se busca a sí misma a través de la mirada del tiempo, de los hombres y de las expectativas imposibles. Celia Paul dice muchas cosas en sus pasiones, y, en mi opinión, su obra debe ser apreciada desde su historia personal. Porque, como bien dice ella, ha dedicado su vida a contarla por medio del arte.
Padecí su relación con aquel-pintor-famoso en mis propias entrañas; la relación compleja entre ellos que se sentía a ratos como una caminata agradable por la playa pero, en realidad, al final del día era más como una habitación pequeña y sin ventanas en alguna esquina de la ciudad. Fue una relación dominada por él, y Celia lidió con el maltrato psicológico, la condescendencia y la deslealtad como pudo.
Sin duda, hay varios temas que podemos analizar en el libro: la maternidad, las relaciones familiares, la misoginia en el medio artístico y un largo etcétera. Sin embargo, lo interesante es la perspectiva de Celia Paul (una mujer que crea y se desvive por su pintura) sobre todo esto. Aquella que se busca a sí misma a través de la mirada del tiempo, de los hombres y de las expectativas imposibles. Celia Paul dice muchas cosas en sus pasiones, y, en mi opinión, su obra debe ser apreciada desde su historia personal. Porque, como bien dice ella, ha dedicado su vida a contarla por medio del arte.
September 27, 2024
Enamoradísima de Celia Paul y de este libro
February 19, 2023
This book had been on my radar since it was published a few years ago. It seemed like something that I would like and I was right.
Celia Paul is an Indian-born British painter and Self-Portrait is her first book. She talks about what it means to be an artist, her relationships with her mother, her own involvement with Lucian Freud, her studio, sisters and her childhood home.
A large part of the book is about her relationship with the painter Lucian Freud. They had a very big age difference (she was 18 and Lucien 55 when their 10-year-long relationship began) and the relationship was dysfunctional, to say the least. I am not going to get into detail but the amount of emotional abuse that Celia Paul suffered was immense. Despite the traumas, her writing was clear and cool but very fragile at the same time. That was consistent throughout the book. It seemed like she was the impartial observer of her own life. Never distracted by emotions, but still acknowledging their presence. I don't know why, but the book almost felt like a visual piece of work to me at times - I have never felt a book to be of a certain colour but I did with Self-Portrait. A cold pale blue or a faded yellow, the most.
I loved the way she talked about what it means to paint, how is the creative process intertwined with her own inner life, and where it comes from. I am so used to reading writer's biographies but reading about what it means to see something, process it and then give your visual representation of it - I found it very interesting. Also how painting something is such a reciprocal process. The sitter is not passive at all.
A beautiful book. I have already ordered another one of hers to read.
Celia Paul is an Indian-born British painter and Self-Portrait is her first book. She talks about what it means to be an artist, her relationships with her mother, her own involvement with Lucian Freud, her studio, sisters and her childhood home.
A large part of the book is about her relationship with the painter Lucian Freud. They had a very big age difference (she was 18 and Lucien 55 when their 10-year-long relationship began) and the relationship was dysfunctional, to say the least. I am not going to get into detail but the amount of emotional abuse that Celia Paul suffered was immense. Despite the traumas, her writing was clear and cool but very fragile at the same time. That was consistent throughout the book. It seemed like she was the impartial observer of her own life. Never distracted by emotions, but still acknowledging their presence. I don't know why, but the book almost felt like a visual piece of work to me at times - I have never felt a book to be of a certain colour but I did with Self-Portrait. A cold pale blue or a faded yellow, the most.
I loved the way she talked about what it means to paint, how is the creative process intertwined with her own inner life, and where it comes from. I am so used to reading writer's biographies but reading about what it means to see something, process it and then give your visual representation of it - I found it very interesting. Also how painting something is such a reciprocal process. The sitter is not passive at all.
A beautiful book. I have already ordered another one of hers to read.
March 10, 2025
Okuduğum en iyi otobiyografilerdendi diye bir iddia ortaya atmayacağım ki zaten değildi de. Ama genç bir kadının kendinden yaşça büyük bir adamla yaşadığı ilişkinin zihnine verdiği zararları tarif edebilmesi ve dürüstlükle aktarabilmesi açısından çok anlamlı bulduğum bir kitap oldu.
Celia gençliğinin önemli bir kısmında Lucian Freud ile sevgili, 10 yıl kadar. Lucian, Sigmund Freud’un torunu. Kitabın büyük bir kısmında onunla olan ilişkisini anlatıyor. Tanıştıklarında Celia 18 yaşlarında. Lucian’dan olma oğlunu doğurduğunda ise 25 yaşında. Peki o sırada Lucian kaç yaşında? 62! Bu arada Lucian’ın Bella adında bir kızı var ki Celia ile aynı yaşlardalar. Lucian aynı anda çokça kişiyle beraberlik yaşayan birisi de olduğundan, Celia’ya pek çok açıdan iyi gelmeyen bir ilişki yaşadıkları da ortada.
Belki de bu sebeplerden ötürü Celia Paul’un en çok “Lucian ve Ben” adlı tablosundan etkilendim. Yukarıda verdiğim bu bilgiler doğrultusunda gidin ve o tabloya bir bakın. Hangisi daha çökmüş ve hangisi daha canlı gözüküyor? Üzerinde tahakküm kurabilecek çeviklikte zihinsel kabiliyeti olan bir adamla (yani senden yaşı ve hayat tecrübesi çok büyük olan birisi) yaşanan ilişkideki kadının kendini algılayış biçimi... Yani aslında gencecik olan, potansiyellerle dolu olan o. Ama kendisini onun yanında tükenmiş ve yapyaşlı resmetmiş... O kadar kalbimi kırdı ve o kadar gerçekçi buldum ki...
Kitabı iyi ki okumuşum diyorum. Son olarak kitapta şimdiki (anlatımından anlaşıldığı kadarıyla sağlıklı bir ilişkiye de sahip oldukları) eşiyle olan anılarını da görmek isterdim diye belirterek sözlerimi bitireyim.
Celia gençliğinin önemli bir kısmında Lucian Freud ile sevgili, 10 yıl kadar. Lucian, Sigmund Freud’un torunu. Kitabın büyük bir kısmında onunla olan ilişkisini anlatıyor. Tanıştıklarında Celia 18 yaşlarında. Lucian’dan olma oğlunu doğurduğunda ise 25 yaşında. Peki o sırada Lucian kaç yaşında? 62! Bu arada Lucian’ın Bella adında bir kızı var ki Celia ile aynı yaşlardalar. Lucian aynı anda çokça kişiyle beraberlik yaşayan birisi de olduğundan, Celia’ya pek çok açıdan iyi gelmeyen bir ilişki yaşadıkları da ortada.
Belki de bu sebeplerden ötürü Celia Paul’un en çok “Lucian ve Ben” adlı tablosundan etkilendim. Yukarıda verdiğim bu bilgiler doğrultusunda gidin ve o tabloya bir bakın. Hangisi daha çökmüş ve hangisi daha canlı gözüküyor? Üzerinde tahakküm kurabilecek çeviklikte zihinsel kabiliyeti olan bir adamla (yani senden yaşı ve hayat tecrübesi çok büyük olan birisi) yaşanan ilişkideki kadının kendini algılayış biçimi... Yani aslında gencecik olan, potansiyellerle dolu olan o. Ama kendisini onun yanında tükenmiş ve yapyaşlı resmetmiş... O kadar kalbimi kırdı ve o kadar gerçekçi buldum ki...
Kitabı iyi ki okumuşum diyorum. Son olarak kitapta şimdiki (anlatımından anlaşıldığı kadarıyla sağlıklı bir ilişkiye de sahip oldukları) eşiyle olan anılarını da görmek isterdim diye belirterek sözlerimi bitireyim.
July 18, 2022
No conocía la obra de Celia Paul, pero cada tanto me gusta arriesgarme probando títulos de editoriales que me interesan (en este caso, Chai Editora).
Por sus páginas y sus cuadros pasan las mismas personas: su madre y sus hermanas, el pintor Lucian Freud (con quien estuvo casada) y el hijo que tuvo con él, algunos amigos, ella misma. La familia tiene un rol protagónico en su obra. Esto no es casual: el suyo es un universo íntimo, Paul necesita pintar a quienes conoce.
En su narración se mezclan recuerdos, poemas, transcripciones de sus diarios y de algunas cartas. También la acompañan reproducciones de algunos cuadros y unas pocas fotografías. Me gustan su sensibilidad y la sutileza con que la transmite. Me gusta la honestidad (con el lector, pero sobre todo con ella misma) con que plasma sus sentimientos: cómo oscila entre el cariño y la distancia. Me gustan sus descripciones, que quizás son fruto de una mirada entrenada por la pintura, y se acercan a lo poético, cargadas del asombro que despierta un detalle mínimo.
Y sus pinturas además sirven como una crónica familiar: si bien su estilo se afianza y se hace más reconocible con el paso del tiempo, también dejan ver a su madre y a sus hermanas envejeciendo cuadro a cuadro, muestran las ausencias y cómo estas afectan a las que quedan.
No conocía la obra de Celia Paul, pero quedé encantado con ella, sus pinturas y, sobre todo, su escritura (y agradezco a Chai Editora por el descubrimiento).
Por sus páginas y sus cuadros pasan las mismas personas: su madre y sus hermanas, el pintor Lucian Freud (con quien estuvo casada) y el hijo que tuvo con él, algunos amigos, ella misma. La familia tiene un rol protagónico en su obra. Esto no es casual: el suyo es un universo íntimo, Paul necesita pintar a quienes conoce.
En su narración se mezclan recuerdos, poemas, transcripciones de sus diarios y de algunas cartas. También la acompañan reproducciones de algunos cuadros y unas pocas fotografías. Me gustan su sensibilidad y la sutileza con que la transmite. Me gusta la honestidad (con el lector, pero sobre todo con ella misma) con que plasma sus sentimientos: cómo oscila entre el cariño y la distancia. Me gustan sus descripciones, que quizás son fruto de una mirada entrenada por la pintura, y se acercan a lo poético, cargadas del asombro que despierta un detalle mínimo.
Y sus pinturas además sirven como una crónica familiar: si bien su estilo se afianza y se hace más reconocible con el paso del tiempo, también dejan ver a su madre y a sus hermanas envejeciendo cuadro a cuadro, muestran las ausencias y cómo estas afectan a las que quedan.
No conocía la obra de Celia Paul, pero quedé encantado con ella, sus pinturas y, sobre todo, su escritura (y agradezco a Chai Editora por el descubrimiento).
June 12, 2023
Un relato autobiográfico escrito con mucha destreza y que condensa la estructura de una novela. Tiene reflexiones muy hermosas sobre el arte, la corporalidad femenina, la soledad y la sensibilidad. No conocía a la artista pero le compro lo que dice, hace y propone. Me encantó.
June 21, 2024
Hermosísimo. Para alguien como yo que no conocía la obra de Celia Paul, este libro fue una puerta para descubrir su arte, no solo a través de sus increíbles pinturas (hay varias que acompañan a lo largo del libro) sino también a partir de sus palabras, su sensibilidad y su manera de analizar la posición de las mujeres en el arte. Me hizo emocionar en varios fragmentos 🤍. Lo recomiendo mucho!!
April 7, 2021
Quite an odd book .. Celia Paul is clearly dedicated to her Art which is as melancholic as her memoir. She is thoughtful, introspective and honest but I found her obsession with Lucian Freud quite sad and disturbing.
March 20, 2021
In order to make a great painting you need to destroy paintings. There is no real way of 'saving' them. You may be pleased with a painting, or part of it, but in order to go deeper you need to scrape the image down or wipe it out, completely. I am often haunted by lost images - paintings that I've destroyed and that will be resurrected - and I can torment myself with the memory of them.
Almost always, I go back and read the beginning again after I finish a book. In this case, I read nearly all of the book again. To be fair, this book 'reads' quickly - in clear language, with short chapters and some photographs and lots of pictures (mostly the author's work). Equally importantly, the material of it was compelling to me.
The memoir is organised by theme - really, the important people, and subjects, of the author's life. Paul describes herself, not as a "portrait painter," but as an "autobiographer and chronicler of my life and family." There is a notable clarity and honesty to this book, and she doesn't waste time on superfluities. (There is no way for me to know this for sure, but I suspect Paul is not much given to chatting.) The book has an austere and grave quality - no humour, no anecdotes - and it all feels like it has been pared to down to essentials.
Painting is the most personal art form: it is like a handwritten letter, with the character of the artist's 'handwriting' adding to and enriching the message.
In the Prologue to the book, Paul quotes her husband Steven Kupfer's opinion of her memoir. "There is a tenderness in it, and as I've said, generosity, and something more that comes with the recognition that the past with its pains and joys has a place and a voice that the present can and should allow." It was that word 'generosity' that really snagged my attention. Does he mean that she is generous with her audience? She seems to share much of herself, and surely that is what is most wanted (and often denied to the reader) in a memoir. She doesn't attempt to soften her behaviour, her emotions or the choices she has made. There is never any sense that she is calculating in terms of presenting a burnished portrait of herself. My other thought is that Kupfer is referring to her generosity with others: the elephant in the room being artist Lucien Freud.
Celia Paul became involved with Lucian Freud when she was 18, and a student at the Slade School of Fine Art, and he was 56. There is a long history of old, well-established artists and their much longer lovers, of course, and it never seems to end well. In the sense of mentorship, and mutual inspirations, perhaps much may be gained from both sides; yet there is still something unsavoury and vampiric about it. Freud already had a long string of wives, girlfriends and children to his name, whilst Paul was a virgin when they met. Also, her father was the Bishop of Hull. (She was born in Kerala, India, where her parents first went as missionaries.) She was the fourth of five sisters, and had been sent to all-girls' boarding schools. In other words, it's difficult to imagine that she had any emotional preparation for the being the lover of a complicated genius with an unconventional and messy personal life. Although she does touch upon the emotional trauma she suffered from their relationship - particularly in the early years, when she felt so out of her depth and so at the mercy of her obsession with him - one senses the restraint she imposes on her memories. Either she chooses to remember mostly the good things, or at any rate that's what she chooses to write about. (A day trip to Bristol is shared as a particularly happy and uncomplicated day they spent together.) She at no point describes herself as the victim of anything. She rigorously avoids anything that might be described as self-pity. At any rate, she seems at pains to put her relationship with Freud in the best possible light.
Although the relationship with Freud gives the book a sort of 'celebrity' (not to mention 20th century art) currency, the main relationship of her life has actually been with her mother. Paul describes their mutual devotion, and also goes into some detail about her mother's central importance in her life. Not only was her mother her main 'sitter' and subject, but she also enabled Paul's career as an artist in the most fundamental way: she became the primary carer of Paul's son Frank. There are quite a few things I would like to unpack here - using 'therapist' speak - but Paul is matter-of-fact about her choices. And by matter-of-fact, I mean unapologetic.
One of the main challenges I have faced as a woman artist is the conflict I feel about caring for someone, loving someone, yet remaining dedicated to my art in an undivided way. I think that generally men find it much easier to be selfish. And you do need to be selfish.
4.5 stars
I learned about this book because it was shortlisted for the 2019 Slightly Foxed Best First Biography Prize.
July 21, 2022
Un gran libro, sin dudas.
June 11, 2023
Qué belleza y qué alivio que lograse prevalecer su pintura frente al amor por el malsano Lucian Freud.
February 29, 2024
Lo bonito de este libro es Celia y su forma de narrar, desde el corazón. No es en absoluto pretencioso, y es que Celia es pintora, no escritora. Y no pretende ser algo que no es.
En esta autobiografía tan sincera nos cuenta sus procesos artísticos y su relación que tanto la ha marcado durante su carrera. La abrazaría en más de una ocasión.
En esta autobiografía tan sincera nos cuenta sus procesos artísticos y su relación que tanto la ha marcado durante su carrera. La abrazaría en más de una ocasión.
December 27, 2021
so good. i very much recommend
April 26, 2024
I adored this book. It didn’t just speak to artists, but to what it means to create and what it means to be loved and to tolerate loss. One of my best friends gave me this and I devoured it in a few hours.
May 26, 2024
Con paciencia he ido formando una colección de libros Chai. Nunca me decepciona esta editorial.
Este libro es un relato autobiográfico de Celia Paul. La artista británica recuerda etapas y personas claves de su vida, vinculadas estrecha y significativamente con su creación artística. La unión de arte y vida se expresa con una prosa sin estridencias, suave, luminosa y reveladora. Nos descubre el proceso de convertirse en artista, su encuentro y relación sentimental con Lucien Freud, los lugares que han marcado su existencia, la forma de trabajo creativo, las relaciones familiares, su maternidad, sus momentos oscuros y luminosos. Además el libro incluye imágenes de sus cuadros, con comentarios muy interesantes.
Una lectura amena, interesante, placentera.
Este libro es un relato autobiográfico de Celia Paul. La artista británica recuerda etapas y personas claves de su vida, vinculadas estrecha y significativamente con su creación artística. La unión de arte y vida se expresa con una prosa sin estridencias, suave, luminosa y reveladora. Nos descubre el proceso de convertirse en artista, su encuentro y relación sentimental con Lucien Freud, los lugares que han marcado su existencia, la forma de trabajo creativo, las relaciones familiares, su maternidad, sus momentos oscuros y luminosos. Además el libro incluye imágenes de sus cuadros, con comentarios muy interesantes.
Una lectura amena, interesante, placentera.
April 22, 2023
Uzun süren bir reading blocktan sonra bana ilaç gibi geldi. Çok farklı ve çok güzel bir kitap. Celianın bakış açısını kendime uzak bulsam ve bazı yerlerde onu asla anlayamasam da duygularını olduğu gibi aktarması, çevresine ve kendine karşı tanımları ve sürekli yumuşakbaşlı yorumları bana ona karşı bir tanıdıklık ve sempati kazandırdı istemeden. Kendini o kadar güzel bi barışıklıkla anlatıyor ki okuyucu da Celia’yla tamamen barışıyor.
Kendi yazgısını ve tarihe nasıl geçeceğini kendi eline almış, kendi hikayesini hem ilham veren hem de sanatçı olarak anlatan bir kadın olarak Celia’dan ve sanatından da inanılmaz etkilendim. Hayatı boyunca günlük tutması, resim ve edebiyatla beraber aşk duygusunu da sanat gibi yaşaması ilham vericiydi. Bayıldım, ama bir andan da tam potansiyeline ulaşabilmişim gibi hissetmiyorum. Bir süre sonra tekrar okumak istiyorum bunu.
Özet: Erkekler kapatılsın ve sanatçı kadınlar çok yaşasın.
Kendi yazgısını ve tarihe nasıl geçeceğini kendi eline almış, kendi hikayesini hem ilham veren hem de sanatçı olarak anlatan bir kadın olarak Celia’dan ve sanatından da inanılmaz etkilendim. Hayatı boyunca günlük tutması, resim ve edebiyatla beraber aşk duygusunu da sanat gibi yaşaması ilham vericiydi. Bayıldım, ama bir andan da tam potansiyeline ulaşabilmişim gibi hissetmiyorum. Bir süre sonra tekrar okumak istiyorum bunu.
Özet: Erkekler kapatılsın ve sanatçı kadınlar çok yaşasın.
July 9, 2023
paul’un şairane bir dili, ilginç bir zihni var. ressamlığa ve bir ressamın düşünce yapısına dair ufkumu açan bir eser oldu. fakat paul’un kendisiyle ve kitapla kişisel bir bağ kuramadım, benim için vuruculuğunu kaybetti dolayısıyla.
April 22, 2021
I too, like so many others picked up this book after reading the NYT article. There are very very few good autobiographical books by visual artists. And even fewer women so under this context and the cultural historical perspective, I was very willing to read between the lines. It's a beautiful book if you love the history of painting and world economic development.
I still think Mary Cassatt was the best technical impressionist of the bunch but how much her paintings command in auctions compared to all the rest?
I still think Mary Cassatt was the best technical impressionist of the bunch but how much her paintings command in auctions compared to all the rest?
August 6, 2022
Duygularını bu denli dürüst ve açıklıkla aktarabilen birinin yazdıklarını okumanın olgunlaştırıcı bir tarafı var. Genç bir kadının bir sanatçı olarak varlığını, o varlığı gölgeleyerek büyümek için ihtiyaç duyduğu ışıktan mahrum kılan parazitik bir varlıktan kurtararak inşa etmesinin öyküsü olarak okudum Otoportre'yi. Kendine duyduğu inanç, kız kardeşleri ve annesiyle arasındaki dokunaklı bağ ve oğlu Frank'a duyduğu sevgi, Lucian'la birlikteyken bir 'bekleme odası'na dönüşen yaşamını ona ait kılıyor. Gençlik yıllarını, Lucian'la birlikteliğini okurken büyük bir öfke duydum; bu bayağı hikâyenin pek çok genç kadının yaşamında tekrarlandığını, bunun adı konmamış bir mülksüzleştirme -genç bir kadının sesinin ve varlığının, yetişkin bir erkek tarafından, kendi ruh fakirliğinin doğurduğu açlığı dindirmek için gasp edilmesi- olduğu bilmek büyük bir öfke uyandırıyor.
February 22, 2022
The painter Celia Paul pens on her memoirs in this book. It is a great book to get an insight for her painting progress, modelling and importance of creative sitting for an art production. It is a mellifluous and flowing read. The illustrations of her early paintings are absolutely stunning; thick paints, bold colours, free strokes, and all,…Through all these dazzling images of her art work which are interspersed all over the book, It is possible to see how her brushstrokes and color schemes have transformed over time after she lost her mother who was the main subject, and her lover Lucian who was the biggest impetus in her art career.
Nevertheless, when I finished reading, I felt that something was missing which I could not determine. I thought a lot about this and couldn't find what it was. Maybe it's the psychological depth or her true feelings about her mother, her sister, her son Frank, or even Lucian. I expect bold, open and honest statements from an autobiographical prose and I found this book lacking in those elements.
Nevertheless, when I finished reading, I felt that something was missing which I could not determine. I thought a lot about this and couldn't find what it was. Maybe it's the psychological depth or her true feelings about her mother, her sister, her son Frank, or even Lucian. I expect bold, open and honest statements from an autobiographical prose and I found this book lacking in those elements.
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