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Secret Girl: A Memoir
For decades, a well-to-do Baltimore family guarded a secret they felt too ashamed to reveal, much less speak of among themselves. For one daughter, that secret would haunt her for years but ultimately compel her to take surprising risks and reap unbelievable rewards―the story of which forms the stunning narrative of this remarkable memoir.
When Molly Bruce Jacobs, the family's eldest daughter, finds herself newly sober at the age of thirty-eight, she finally seeks out and comes face-to-face with this Anne, a younger sister who was diagnosed at birth with hydrocephalus ("water on the brain") and mental retardation, was institutionalized. Anne has never been home to visit, and Molly Jacobs has never seen her. Full of trepidation, she goes to meet her sister for the first time. As the book unfolds and the sisters grow close, Jacobs learns of the decades of life not shared and gains surprising insights about herself, including why she drank for most of her adult life. In addition, she gradually comes to understand that her parents' reasons for placing Anne in a state institution were far more complex than she'd ever imagined.
When Molly Bruce Jacobs, the family's eldest daughter, finds herself newly sober at the age of thirty-eight, she finally seeks out and comes face-to-face with this Anne, a younger sister who was diagnosed at birth with hydrocephalus ("water on the brain") and mental retardation, was institutionalized. Anne has never been home to visit, and Molly Jacobs has never seen her. Full of trepidation, she goes to meet her sister for the first time. As the book unfolds and the sisters grow close, Jacobs learns of the decades of life not shared and gains surprising insights about herself, including why she drank for most of her adult life. In addition, she gradually comes to understand that her parents' reasons for placing Anne in a state institution were far more complex than she'd ever imagined.
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2006
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310 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 63 reviews
August 1, 2009
If I could give this any less stars, I would. This book has very little to do with the "secret girl". I can't even begin to describe how much this book bothered me. The author was completely selfish (I guess you get to be if you're the author) and, in my opinion, used the title as an "artsy-oh-this-really-ties-into-me-being-the-one-whose-life-has-been-a-secret" way. I just can't get out the frustration I feel about this book. blah. Good luck reader.
January 12, 2010
While the writing was acceptable, the story was disjointed and lacked cohesion. While I feel sympathy for the Author and her extremely disfunctional family, this was a hard book to read...and not for all the right reasons.
This seemed more like a purging of her own angst more then an memoir about her relationship with her institutionalized younger sister.
Sadly, this is one of those books that make you think "If they would publish this, then I can get my book publish NO PROBLEM!".
This seemed more like a purging of her own angst more then an memoir about her relationship with her institutionalized younger sister.
Sadly, this is one of those books that make you think "If they would publish this, then I can get my book publish NO PROBLEM!".
March 23, 2008
I thought this book was about the family's secret -- a mentally incapacitated child locked in institutions from birth. Instead, it was a drivelling account of the author's life. There are some poingant moments, but then the author seems to lose touch with her point, and then ends the book so quickly it leaves a sour taste in the mouth. It was hard to finish.
August 20, 2018
A self serving and mixed up account of the author's sister Anne, who had hydrocephalus, was retarded, and was placed in an institution by her parents. Flash forwards and backwards do nothing to clarify the story of how she became aware of her sister's existence, became an alcoholic, became a lawyer, and stopped drinking after marrying, divorcing, and having two sons. After getting sober she decides to meet Anne. For the first half of the book we don't get an image of what Anne is actually like or how handicapped she is.
Once they spend time together, Anne gets the magical retard treatment, free spirited and honest in a way that the recovering alcoholic author cannot be. She dithers about whether to bring her sister to live in her home, but by the time Anne dies of liver disease, she hasn't seen her in months and her son has died (googling revealed that he was killed by hyenas on a trip to Africa - http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id....) And so the story ends with some platitudes about love and forgiveness and how much in common the two had.
The back of the book hinted at further secrets discovered when she researched her sister's life, but they were nonexistent.
Once they spend time together, Anne gets the magical retard treatment, free spirited and honest in a way that the recovering alcoholic author cannot be. She dithers about whether to bring her sister to live in her home, but by the time Anne dies of liver disease, she hasn't seen her in months and her son has died (googling revealed that he was killed by hyenas on a trip to Africa - http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id....) And so the story ends with some platitudes about love and forgiveness and how much in common the two had.
The back of the book hinted at further secrets discovered when she researched her sister's life, but they were nonexistent.
January 29, 2021
When looking for a book to read, the entire premise of Secret Girl by Molly Bruce Jacobs seemed interesting. The concept of having a twin sister, that your parents put into a child's home because they didn't think she would live just grabbed my attention. Jacobs came across the information of her older sister, and the refusal of her parents of having a disabled daughter at home. The reality of the situation came from a home lifestyle that was unable to fit Anne, the older twin, and her life in a mental facility. The way Jacobs wrote the story, it felt easy to understand and read. I felt like it was an interesting premise and even more interesting to read, but not my personal first choice, hence why I give it three stars. I would recommend this book to anyone interested in more personal stories, especially those with a darker side.
November 23, 2013
Poorly edited but fascinating story. The portrait the author paints of her family is both vivid and frustrating, and I really admired her lifelong refusal to become as cold and frozen as her parents by reaching out to her sister and learning to have a relationship with her. That is something that, given her background and social pressures, takes a lot of humanity.
I really wish someone had taken her prose style and given it a good scrubbing, though. There's far too much heavy-handed advice about how the reader is supposed to take what she's saying. It's as though she can't, for a second, let the facts speak for themselves. It reads like a rough draft with a lot of potential by an amateur writer with a good story to tell.
Jacobs subtly and carefully vilifies her mother throughout the book. I saw her as a miserable, thwarted, pitiful woman, but it's understanable that Jacobs, being her daughter, would lack that perspective. However, the mother was clearly the victim of social-climbing narcissists her whole life: first her own mother, then her husband.
Ah, Dice. So charming, so lovingly described by his daughter who even now that he's dead can't see him for the calculating, manipulative creep that he is. Everything he says and does revolves around his image of the perfect family, and a disabled daughter was never going to be allowed into that picture. She wasn't even going to come home once. From the moment of her birth, he gaslighted his family into believing that THEY would not be able to handle having her around. His wife was too fragile, "Brucie" was to high-strung, and so on. He calmly and reasonably gets his way by throwing his loved ones under the bus again and again, and rejects anyone who doesn't come up to his ideal of superficial perfection, all without yelling or getting angry.
This book is as clear a picture of the collateral damage to family caused by selfish narcissism as any you'll find. I just wish the writing hadn't been so distracting.
I really wish someone had taken her prose style and given it a good scrubbing, though. There's far too much heavy-handed advice about how the reader is supposed to take what she's saying. It's as though she can't, for a second, let the facts speak for themselves. It reads like a rough draft with a lot of potential by an amateur writer with a good story to tell.
Jacobs subtly and carefully vilifies her mother throughout the book. I saw her as a miserable, thwarted, pitiful woman, but it's understanable that Jacobs, being her daughter, would lack that perspective. However, the mother was clearly the victim of social-climbing narcissists her whole life: first her own mother, then her husband.
Ah, Dice. So charming, so lovingly described by his daughter who even now that he's dead can't see him for the calculating, manipulative creep that he is. Everything he says and does revolves around his image of the perfect family, and a disabled daughter was never going to be allowed into that picture. She wasn't even going to come home once. From the moment of her birth, he gaslighted his family into believing that THEY would not be able to handle having her around. His wife was too fragile, "Brucie" was to high-strung, and so on. He calmly and reasonably gets his way by throwing his loved ones under the bus again and again, and rejects anyone who doesn't come up to his ideal of superficial perfection, all without yelling or getting angry.
This book is as clear a picture of the collateral damage to family caused by selfish narcissism as any you'll find. I just wish the writing hadn't been so distracting.
August 15, 2015
I wanted this book to be great. I work with adult individuals with developmental/intellectual disabilities and I was hoping for an uplifting story of discovering treasure and reconciliation. Instead I found more abandonment for Anne at the end when she most needed it. I thought there were moments of revelation for Brucie, but mostly it was self absorbed and more about her alcoholism and Anne was secondary. Sure, it was a terrible tragedy that she lost her son, but she should have been there for Anne. Its terrible. I see this all the time where the family completely abandons the child to the agency and rarely sees them. I wanted Brucie to be Anne's champion, but she withers away into alcoholism and we are supposed to be cheering for her in her struggles while Anne lies dying on the hospital bed. I guess people that don't see it from our perspective, probably forgive her for her failings and her ineptitude. ANNE WAS DYING. And you have the nerve to say that Nora makes you uncomfortable and maybe she isn't caring for Anne the way she should. I am disgusted by Brucie. Wishing I never read this stupid book.
July 31, 2007
I think Molly Bruce Jacobs probably thought she was being compelling and "deep" when penning this novel, but I found it trite, masturbatory, dull, and anticlimactic. In fact, I thought the most riveting part was when the author mentioned (towards the very end) that her 11-year-old son had died, but that THE MANNER OF HIS DEATH WAS TOO AWFUL TO DESCRIBE. Okay Molly....if you say that, it's going to piss off your reader and she's going to play detective. So anyway...I googled her family and found out that her son Garrit was eaten by hyenas on a safari in Botswana. I am not joking. Look it up.
January 19, 2011
Now that I sit awhile after reading this book, thinking about it, I am a little pissed at the author. It seemed she had no problem coming in and out of her sister's life. Also, it annoyed me that there is no picture of Anne anywhere in/on the back of the book. Seemed like the sister prefered to talk more about herself than her Anne.
November 27, 2007
I didn't like this book very much. Jacobs seems to think she has made significant changes in the life of her sister, and in her own life, but I disagree. She hasn't come far enough in personal development to write a book about her life.
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July 30, 2011Very well written, a compelling book. I barely put it down from the time I started reading it. This story was a bittersweet mixture of sadness interspersed with triumph.
October 16, 2024
Molly the Author of this story has a sister she has never met. Her name is Anne. This is because Anne has been institutionalized since she was a baby for mental retardation since the 1950's. Her parents wait to tell Molly and her other sister Laura until she is olde at the age of 13. It was a very popular thing to do with children born with mental retardation and that was to hide the children who were not wanted, or family did not want to deal with. The mother and father never visit, have Anne home for visits Shes just tucked away in institutions her whole life. How sad. They just pretend Anne does not exist in their perfect world.
If this book would have been more about Anne than Molly, I would have 5 starred it. For she was the interesting part of the book. I mean I can be judgmental if I want but who waits 38 years to go visit their sister when she's has known about her since age 13. Including her own mother, father, and Laura who is Anne's twin sister.
Anne: Liked flowers, anything red, purses, flowers, pencils and paper, magazines and McDonalds was her favorite place to eat. She always had a hamburger with mustard and no ketchup plus a large, iced tea with sugar. Once Molly decides at age 38 to involve herself with her sister. We get to know about this secret girl Ann who loved to go to Molly's house and visit, she liked to paint, and dance, and sing, watch cartoons, she is always happy. Well, she liked the word (mother fucker)
upon occasion but always apologizes and say's "I'll be a good girl". But hey, sometimes that's my favorite word of the day to. What I liked most about Anne was summed up in the last chapter of this book.
There was never any judgment or blame in Anne or shades of recrimination, no backhanded assaults on others, or badness or goodness, rightness or wrongness for Ann's family not being there for her. They were simply forgiven.
If this book would have been more about Anne than Molly, I would have 5 starred it. For she was the interesting part of the book. I mean I can be judgmental if I want but who waits 38 years to go visit their sister when she's has known about her since age 13. Including her own mother, father, and Laura who is Anne's twin sister.
Anne: Liked flowers, anything red, purses, flowers, pencils and paper, magazines and McDonalds was her favorite place to eat. She always had a hamburger with mustard and no ketchup plus a large, iced tea with sugar. Once Molly decides at age 38 to involve herself with her sister. We get to know about this secret girl Ann who loved to go to Molly's house and visit, she liked to paint, and dance, and sing, watch cartoons, she is always happy. Well, she liked the word (mother fucker)
upon occasion but always apologizes and say's "I'll be a good girl". But hey, sometimes that's my favorite word of the day to. What I liked most about Anne was summed up in the last chapter of this book.
There was never any judgment or blame in Anne or shades of recrimination, no backhanded assaults on others, or badness or goodness, rightness or wrongness for Ann's family not being there for her. They were simply forgiven.
November 24, 2020
This book is not very good. It tries to be about the awful secret her family kept and how the author tries to make up for the treatment of the "secret girl" in the family. But Brucie just talks about herself and her booze and her divorce mainly while trying and failing to draw meaningful parallels between their lives. Her sister, though damaged is innocent and free spirited and can teach Brucie so much about life. Nah. She was barely visited and passed away alone. The author is self absorbed and spoiled. She wrote at the end of the book something horrific happened to her own son she cannot write about. So of course I googled it and my god her son was eaten by hyenas on one of those dangerous safari trips rich people go on. That IS so horrible I was wondering what became of her other son who witnessed this too. He jumped off a bridge in Florida and killed himself years later. Another horrible tragedy. I felt so bad after finding this out I think I emailed the author at 4am to tell her how bad I felt. That is all I can think about now when this book is bought up. I wish all involved had a happier ending.
December 31, 2022
I was tasked with reading a book for a college course. I dreaded the assignment, picked blindly, and ended up with Secret Girl. Who would have known that this dreaded assignment was going to give me one of my favorite books. I read a few reviews for this book commenting on it being disjointed. However, upon reading the book, I thought that was entirely intentional. That is simply life in its most raw form- a beautiful way to write a memoir. Jacob’s wrote her accounts so earnestly, genuinely, and as she felt them. The story read so easily in that regard. The story was beautiful and heartbreaking. A must read memoir that will pull at your heartstrings.
February 10, 2018
Such a gut wrenching story... So sad that it's a true story... In today's generation we have come so far but still have issues with coming to terms with those with disabilities... But during the time in this story anyone with pretty much any type of disability was tossed aside like a piece of trash to live their lives in an institution :( Definitely puts in perspective how far our medical fields have come and helped give hope and a better perspective on life to the families that are affected by such difficulties.
June 30, 2019
Secret girl seems to be more about the author as it is a memoir. It’s based on the fact that she had a sister who grew up away from home having been born with hydrocephalus. But for the most part through the book it’s all about her and her reaction to not knowing and then her reaction to knowing that she had a sister with hydrocephalus and how she felt more than about the sister with Hydrocephalus. Why call it “Secret Girl” when it not really ALL about the sister.
August 6, 2019
The author meets the developmentally disabled sister she never knew growing up, and contrasts her sister's life in a series of institutions with her own privileged upbringing. Questions her parents' bad parenting decisions. Drinks heavily, then quits. Builds a relationship with her sister. Maybe not in that order.
December 27, 2021
I really enjoyed this book, though I thought the ending was a bit abrupt and didn't say what happened to her boyfriend, Ben. Still everything else was well written and I was glad to have read her story about Anne.
February 22, 2020
2.5 stars.
September 16, 2020
I met Molly at the Hydrocephalus Association conference in Baltimore back in 2006. This story is absolutely compelling and a truly amazing biography.
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December 6, 2020/I read this for a Law class/
March 17, 2023
One in this family's not like the rest.
How does each person handle that test?
How does each person handle that test?
September 9, 2023
The writing was well done, but the rest of the story mainly felt like it was just focused on the author. Meh.
December 3, 2014
Secret Girl is a combined autobiography and biography of Jacobs and her sister Anne. As she and her sister become teenagers, Jacobs’ father tells them that they have another sister, Anne, who was born with water on the brain. The baby, twin to Jacob’s sister Laura, was not expected to live and was committed. While Jacobs’ was always fascinated by her sister, she could find out very little about her from her parents, nor did she actually meet Anne until she was in her late 30s. Once she has met Anne, Jacobs’ feels a very strong connection with Anne. Despite her mostly wretched upbringing in a barred hospital, Anne is still a outspoken, funny and life-loving woman. She dances spontaneously, speaks her mind (loudly), inhales McDonald’s hamburgers and loves her job doing cleaning. Surprisingly, of the whole family, Anne seems to be the happiest.
Jacobs’ plots her life as an alcoholic and miserable career as a lawyer. She frequently makes excuses for her cold, domineering mother (making me only loathe her more) and intellectual father, who cared so little for Anne that they would not sign the papers to let her have vaccines or a state-sponsored trip to Disneyland. She tells of her divorce, efforts to help Anne while trying to stop drinking, the death of her father and other life-shaking events. Just when everything seems to have finally fallen into place, Jacobs’ adds her horribly wrenching epilogue. Definitely not a fun read by any stretch, but excellent and satisfying in its own way.
Jacobs’ plots her life as an alcoholic and miserable career as a lawyer. She frequently makes excuses for her cold, domineering mother (making me only loathe her more) and intellectual father, who cared so little for Anne that they would not sign the papers to let her have vaccines or a state-sponsored trip to Disneyland. She tells of her divorce, efforts to help Anne while trying to stop drinking, the death of her father and other life-shaking events. Just when everything seems to have finally fallen into place, Jacobs’ adds her horribly wrenching epilogue. Definitely not a fun read by any stretch, but excellent and satisfying in its own way.
May 5, 2008
This book was a beautifully written memoir. I would recommend it as a companion to "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" and any person who wants to know the impact of secrets, dysfunction, denial on a family.
Even today, some Americans find out that they had siblings, family members they never knew they had who had been institutionalized. This was the case for Molly Bruce Jacobs.
Her sister was institutionalized after birth. The author didn't know of her existence until she was thirteen, and didn't visit her until she was in her 30s. The memoir follows her life, as the author struggles to make sense of this impossible choice. She works to develop a relationship with her sister and understand this secret's impact on her life and her alcoholism.
It is an unbelievably sad and honest memoir. It tells how an adult understands and accepts their parents' actions and accepts and forgives their own actions and motivations. Molly wasn't defending her parents' actions, but by writing the memoir and developing a relationship with her sister - she was trying to make things right. As right as she could make them. Just like any of us, knowing we can't make up for the past, but trying to do the best we can with what we have.
Even today, some Americans find out that they had siblings, family members they never knew they had who had been institutionalized. This was the case for Molly Bruce Jacobs.
Her sister was institutionalized after birth. The author didn't know of her existence until she was thirteen, and didn't visit her until she was in her 30s. The memoir follows her life, as the author struggles to make sense of this impossible choice. She works to develop a relationship with her sister and understand this secret's impact on her life and her alcoholism.
It is an unbelievably sad and honest memoir. It tells how an adult understands and accepts their parents' actions and accepts and forgives their own actions and motivations. Molly wasn't defending her parents' actions, but by writing the memoir and developing a relationship with her sister - she was trying to make things right. As right as she could make them. Just like any of us, knowing we can't make up for the past, but trying to do the best we can with what we have.
October 21, 2008
Secret Girl is ostensibly about what it is like to find out that you have a retarded sister who has been institutionalized since birth. “Brucie” (Author Molly Bruce Jacobs) learns this as a teenager, and visits her sister Anne once with their unstable mother. Then what? The remote parents here are well-to-do, (dad’s well-respected journalist) and prefer not to be bothered. So, send Brucie off to boarding school, when she enters the teenage rebelious phase. Why not? They can afford it.
The reader wants to find out about Anne’s life, and to be sure we learn of her through medical and psychological records. But this is more the story of a poor little rich girl, and her alcoholic excesses, than it is about the real horror of the secret girl. In short, If you liked A Child Called It, you might like Secret Girl.
The reader wants to find out about Anne’s life, and to be sure we learn of her through medical and psychological records. But this is more the story of a poor little rich girl, and her alcoholic excesses, than it is about the real horror of the secret girl. In short, If you liked A Child Called It, you might like Secret Girl.
May 22, 2011
I heard this author interviewed about the book a few years ago on NPR and was really taken by her story. I felt misled by the title and description of this book because it was actually in large part a memior about her own recovery from her divorce and alcoholism. It seemed that these and other themes about her family were repeated over and over without a lot of new insight as the book progressed. One thing that was interesting and different from other memiors I've read was her honesty about what was historically true versus what she'd imagined had happened either because she was too young to remember or was not present for a particular event. It left me feeling at times that between her lack of memory/first-hand knowledge and lack of insight, she didn't really have enough "meat" to write a full-length memior.
January 16, 2016
Taken from the back of the book. " For decades, a well-to-do Baltimore family guarded a secret they felt too ashamed to reveal, much less speak of among themselves." Molly is a newly sober alcoholic at the age of thirty-eight when she decided it is time to meet Anne the family secret, her younger Sister. Story is heartbreaking. I hard time reading it for many reasons. First one is the parents, they were not parents to any of their kids, especially Anne. Another one was the flash backs and the Authors lack of ability to stick with a subject. Found it hard to follow and annoying. Last reason is her lack of ability to see the whole picture and bring it to a comprehensive conclusion on how and why things happen in her and her families lives. The story could has much more of a impact it if would have someone come along gave it a honest edit and some focus.
May 23, 2012
There were things I liked about this book--the story, the message--and things I didn't like about the book.
What I didn't like was how parts of the book seemed to be the author's imaginings, instead of the truth based on research and interviews. I don't want to read an "imagining" of what happened to her sister, I want to read what really happened.
I also felt like the author was just as damaged by the end of the book as she was on page one. In that aspect it was a bit sad.
But the good parts of the book outweighed the rest. The story of her blossoming relationship with the sister that had been "hidden" most of her life was interesting (and tragic) to read.
What I didn't like was how parts of the book seemed to be the author's imaginings, instead of the truth based on research and interviews. I don't want to read an "imagining" of what happened to her sister, I want to read what really happened.
I also felt like the author was just as damaged by the end of the book as she was on page one. In that aspect it was a bit sad.
But the good parts of the book outweighed the rest. The story of her blossoming relationship with the sister that had been "hidden" most of her life was interesting (and tragic) to read.
March 13, 2015
"I doubt my mother had anything more than the vaguest notion of how taxing children could be. In any case[...] she must have collapsed into feelings of regret and self-pity... I can't really blame my mother for that. In her circumstances, I'd have been tempted to do the same."
This is how the author, on page 71 of this memoir, justifies her mother tossing her across the room as an infant and abandoning a child to a home for mentally retarded children when one of her twins doesn't turn out the way she'd planned. I am too disgusted by this self-serving, spoiled-little-rich-girl drivel to continue reading this book.
This is how the author, on page 71 of this memoir, justifies her mother tossing her across the room as an infant and abandoning a child to a home for mentally retarded children when one of her twins doesn't turn out the way she'd planned. I am too disgusted by this self-serving, spoiled-little-rich-girl drivel to continue reading this book.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 63 reviews