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149 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published November 1, 1953
I owed too much. Ellen had given me too much. Her love. Her life. Our rocket. The rocket would be built now. It would go to Jupiter.He did accurately predict some aspects of the future, and not always the obvious ones: “Thank God I was in on that, back in the glorious sixties when man erupted suddenly into space, the first step, the first three steps toward the stars.” Also, though it took until now and is currently only available in China: “Then I ran up three flights to the roof, got there two minutes before the helicab landed to pick me up”.
Oh God, Ellen, if you could be here with me, to watch our rocket take off. Our rocket. But more yours than mine. You died for it. Here waiting in the breathless dark I feel humble before it and before you, before man and his future, before God if there is a God before mankind becomes one.
Below, the lights of Seattle; above, the lights in the sky.Arranged to have Dr. Weissach-do you know of him?” I shook my head. “Probably the best brain surgeon in the world. Lives in Lisbon, but has no practice of his own, just operates. Where possible people are flown to Lisbon for him to operate on, but in an emergency case like that of Senator Gallagher he will come to the patient, although at a much higher fee.”
A little closer to the stars, the far far stars that someday we’re going to reach, the billion billion billion stars that are waiting for us.
The stars— listen, do you know what a star is? Our sun is a star and all the stars in the sky are suns. We know now that most of them have planets revolving about them, as Earth and Mars and Venus and the other planets of the solar system revolve around our sun. And there are a hell of a lot of stars. That isn’t profanity; it’s understatement. There are about a thousand million stars in our own galaxy. A thousand million stars, most of them with planets. If they average only one planet apiece that’s a thousand million planets.
He says mankind is wasting his most valuable resource, uranium, spending it in prodigious quantities to maintain valueless minor colonies on a dead moon and dead Mars. Earth is impoverishing itself in the futile effort to make a long- since- proved- impractical dream come true. Over a hundred billion dollars spent on Mars alone, and what is there of value to us on Mars? Sand and lichens, not enough air to support human life, bitter cold. Yet we spend more millions every year to supply a few dozen people who are mad enough to try—” “Shut up,” I said. “That’s enough.” (…) The planets are worthless and the stars— why, if we can reach them at all, it might take us thousands of years. I’ll buy part of that. It may take us thousands of years, and it damn well will unless we keep trying with everything we’ve got. But if we do keep trying it can happen suddenly too. It can come as unexpectedly as our reaching Mars came in 1965, four years ahead of our schedule for reaching the moon. Suddenly we’d found the A- drive and the chemicals fuels we’d been working with and figuring on were obsolete. We were in the situation of a man trying to cross the ocean in a rowboat, when only a few miles out from shore he is suddenly given a supersonic- speed airplane to use instead of his rowboat. (…) But Jesus, when you’re climbing a staircase to a room— an infinite room— filled with all the treasures of the universe, should you stop climbing just because you don’t find a handful of treasure on the first two or three steps?
We’d got to the moon and Mars and Venus, and because we hadn’t found plains strewn with gold and diamonds or alien aborigines or civilizations, we’d almost lost interest.
Living creatures, sea gulls, soaring lazily and gracefully overhead. Living creatures, a group of girls, walking by, giggling and jiggling. The lazy rhythm of the waves, the sun’s warmth and the sky’s blueness.
Why did I love Ellen? It was like asking why I had five fingers on each hand.
Alone—and I’d never felt alone before—I found that there were: too many evenings in a week.
My poor little brother, my poor brother who was rich in money and bereft of vision, my blind blind brother.
My suitcase by the door, ready. It wasn’t heavy; I travel lightly and live lightly. Physical possessions tie you down and God knows we’re tied down enough without them.
I was making a new friend, too, in the man who was coaching me in unified field theory. His name was improbable, Chang M’bassi, but he himself was much more improbable than his name. Chang M’bassi was the last, or believed to be the last, of the Masai tribesmen who, until the late sixties, had lived in east equatorial Africa. They don’t live there any more because they’re all dead except M’bassi; at least there is no other authenticated case of a survivor among them. (…) Meet M’bassi. Six feet five inches tall, and slender. Black as the Venusian night. About forty years old now. Quiet, contemplative eyes set in a fierce African face made fiercer looking by deep scars from the claws of a lion, claw marks that run from up in his kinky hair the full length of his face, having miraculously missed both eyes. A soft gentle voice that makes any language it speaks sound sweet and melodious. Buddhist, mystic mathematician, and a wonderful guy.
Ellen had warned me that he was a little stuffy, hadn’t she? Not that I gave a damn about his stuffiness. What was getting me down was the terrific speed with which the Jupiter rocket was not taking off. (…) And then Washington, D. C., two o’clock on Saturday afternoon, Whitlow’s office. William J. Whitlow looked exactly as his voice had sounded over the phone. He was small, dapper, precise, stuffy. Middle aged, but old; he’d been born old, you could tell that by looking at him.
Now, sometimes, I even talked to her; imaginary conversations, not aloud. I could go to her now, in my mind, for help and comfort when I needed them. And at times I could even think of her as though we were merely temporarily apart, as when she’d been in Washington and I in Los Angeles; think of her as though she was still alive and waiting for me somewhere. And in a sense she was; she lived in my memory and would live there as long as I myself lived. Even her death, I was learning, could not take her away from me completely. And with that knowledge came peace.
Every word I remembered, every word ran through my head in quarter tones to Cuban rhythms. “Afraid I can’t sell you any more, pal. Might cost me my license, pal. You’re pretty drunk.” Not drunk enough, pal, not drunk enough.
I wish that I could believe not in mortality but in reincarnation or individual immortality; I wish that I could be living again in another body or, God help me, even watching from the edge of a fleecy cloud in Heaven or out through the dirty windowpane of a haunted house or through the dull eyes of a dung beetle or on any terms. On any terms I want to be watching, I want to be there, I want to be around, when we reach the stars, when we take over the universe and the universes, when we become the God in whom I do not believe as yet because I do not believe he exists as yet nor will exist until we become Him. But I’ve been wrong so I can be wrong. Make me wrong, damn You, show me that I’m wrong, show me that M’bassi had cause to smile. Show Yourself, God damn You, make me wrong.
Sun going down. Son coming up; not my son, but the nearest I’d ever have to a son of my own, plodding up the hill toward me, his eyes filled with stardust. Sitting on the blanket beside me. The lost, longing look in his eyes. The look of a spaceman Earth-bound. The caged look. (…) Escape, God how we all need escape from this tiny here. The need for it has motivated just about everything man has ever done in any direction other than that of the satisfaction of his physical appetites; it has led him along weird and wonderful pathways; it has led him into art and religion, ascetism and astrology, dancing and drinking, poetry and insanity. All of these have been escapes because he has known only recently the true direction of escape-outward, into infinity and eternity, away from this little flat if rounded surface we’re born on and die on. This mote in the solar system, this atom in the galaxy.