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The Wrong of Rudeness: Learning Modern Civility from Ancient Chinese Philosophy
In a time of fractious politics, being rude can feel wickedly gratifying, while being polite can feel simple-minded or willfully naïve. Do manners and civility even matter now? Is it worthwhile to make the effort to be polite? When rudeness has become routine and commonplace, why bother? When so much of public and social life with others is painful and bitterly acrimonious, why should anyone be polite?
As Amy Olberding argues, civility and ordinary politeness are linked both to big values, such as respect and consideration, and to the fundamentally social nature of human beings. Being polite is not just a nicety--it has deep meaning. Olberding explores the often overwhelming temptations to incivility and rudeness, and the ways that they must and can be resisted. Drawing on the wisdom of early Chinese philosophers who lived through great political turmoil but nonetheless avidly sought to "mind their manners," the book articulates a way of thinking about politeness that is distinctively social. We can feel profoundly alienated from others, and others can sometimes be truly terrible, yet, as the Confucian philosophers encourage us to see, because we are social, neglecting the social and political courtesies comes at perilous cost.
The book considers not simply why civility and politeness are important, but how. It reveals how small insults can accumulate to damage social relations, how separating people into tribes undermines our better interests, and how even bodily and facial expressions can influence our lives with others. Many of us, in spite of our best efforts, are often tempted to be rude, and will find here tools for fighting that temptation.
As Amy Olberding argues, civility and ordinary politeness are linked both to big values, such as respect and consideration, and to the fundamentally social nature of human beings. Being polite is not just a nicety--it has deep meaning. Olberding explores the often overwhelming temptations to incivility and rudeness, and the ways that they must and can be resisted. Drawing on the wisdom of early Chinese philosophers who lived through great political turmoil but nonetheless avidly sought to "mind their manners," the book articulates a way of thinking about politeness that is distinctively social. We can feel profoundly alienated from others, and others can sometimes be truly terrible, yet, as the Confucian philosophers encourage us to see, because we are social, neglecting the social and political courtesies comes at perilous cost.
The book considers not simply why civility and politeness are important, but how. It reveals how small insults can accumulate to damage social relations, how separating people into tribes undermines our better interests, and how even bodily and facial expressions can influence our lives with others. Many of us, in spite of our best efforts, are often tempted to be rude, and will find here tools for fighting that temptation.
- GenresPhilosophyNonfiction
198 pages, Hardcover
Published August 1, 2019
3 people are currently reading
76 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
February 14, 2020
Olberding delivers a near-perfect book on the importance of maintaining our politeness and civility in the midst of our culture wars.
She begins by admitting the temptations to incivility. As an example, the desire we all have to “punch Nazis” can be unbearable. After all, someone needs to stand up for what’s right, and he will need to be very uncivil if he really wishes to change the status quo. Martin Luther King Jr’s “Letter” is a good example of this.
Still, Olberding does not let us off easily. She argues that these “moments of triumphs” when one stands up for what’s right are rare. Instead, what usually happens is that we are too sure of our opinions; in our desire to “own” or “destroy” what she calls “those people”, we have turned into fools with our hasty conclusions and generalizations about what type of people deserve to be “punched.”
So for us to slow down and not jump to conclusions, Olberding argues that we must revive the Confucian tradition again and understand why manners are important. Using both neuroscience and classical anecdotes from The Analects and The Book of Xunzi, Olberding shows that manners and rules of etiquette allow us to treat everyone equally and that eventually, as we come to internalize how we act towards others, we can become virtuous.
One thing I do disagree with her though is her supposition that virtues and sociality are interchangeable terms. For Oberding (and for the Confucian tradition as well, from what I understand), the concept of non-social virtues like chastity seem to play a negligible role in forming the human being. But of course, my disagreement does not negate from her argument. After all, she has made herself pretty clear about which tradition she’s coming from.
She begins by admitting the temptations to incivility. As an example, the desire we all have to “punch Nazis” can be unbearable. After all, someone needs to stand up for what’s right, and he will need to be very uncivil if he really wishes to change the status quo. Martin Luther King Jr’s “Letter” is a good example of this.
Still, Olberding does not let us off easily. She argues that these “moments of triumphs” when one stands up for what’s right are rare. Instead, what usually happens is that we are too sure of our opinions; in our desire to “own” or “destroy” what she calls “those people”, we have turned into fools with our hasty conclusions and generalizations about what type of people deserve to be “punched.”
So for us to slow down and not jump to conclusions, Olberding argues that we must revive the Confucian tradition again and understand why manners are important. Using both neuroscience and classical anecdotes from The Analects and The Book of Xunzi, Olberding shows that manners and rules of etiquette allow us to treat everyone equally and that eventually, as we come to internalize how we act towards others, we can become virtuous.
One thing I do disagree with her though is her supposition that virtues and sociality are interchangeable terms. For Oberding (and for the Confucian tradition as well, from what I understand), the concept of non-social virtues like chastity seem to play a negligible role in forming the human being. But of course, my disagreement does not negate from her argument. After all, she has made herself pretty clear about which tradition she’s coming from.
December 22, 2021
Olberding vigorously defends taking etiquette seriously as a philosophical question: it is, to put it bluntly, the how of ethics (it is the rules that put into place our tenets of respect for others, e.g.). She uses her expertise in Confucian philosophy to make the case, and does it smartly--I'd read one of the original articles the book is based on, and appreciated both her argument, and the secondary critique of the failings of Western philosophy in missing these sorts of connections. I think non-philosophers would enjoy this book; while Olberding's a specialist, she's carefully written this book with limited technical language that she always explains, and it's packed with everyday examples and relatable humor. It would draw a wide audience of readers in and engage them, I believe. Where the argument doesn't fully persuade me is on her connection of etiquette to civility. Here it's clear, as she's suggested in the opening and closing chapters of the book, that her argument is really motivated less by daily rudeness than the kinds of significant viciousness that seem to be more present in our rhetoric and public acts the last 10 years. And I appreciate her Obamaesque defense of the value of "going high" even when it leads to immediate costs. But the argument contained insufficient nuances about some of the structures that cover up rudeness as culture (the Jim Crow South's standard of referring to adult Black men as "boy," for instance), and the kinds of costs that entails in bearing it, particularly for those with fewer social resources with which to bear it. ("Going high," in other words, is a pretty unequally shared burden.) She regularly references class differences in how we perceive rudeness, and does so in thoughtful ways that grant the most to these worries, and gives similarly charitable nods to gender worries, such that I found myself increasingly frustrated at the absence of any engagement with race, and discontented with the brief discussion that appeared three-fourths of the way through the book. (It very much read like an addition in response to a peer reviewer's comment.) This is very much still a worthwhile book to read, and I think there's lots that is right about this argument.
May 31, 2023
I read this book four years ago when it was still in manuscript, as part of a seminar on Ancient Chinese Ethics I was teaching, and I loved it. This quarter I assigned it again (now the real version) in a class on Classical Chinese Philosophy, and I loved it all over again. It contains so much honesty, wisdom, and humanity. It's simultaneously a lesson in Confucianism, a study in ethics, a collection of astute observations about interpersonal relationships, and a plea for kindness and respect in our politically divided times. It was also an excellent source for conversations with my students. I'll assign it again.
July 1, 2025
This is an interesting topic that should be emphasized more nowadays, since tolerance, sympathy, fairness, manners, and civility are increasingly being neglected.
I appreciated, right from the beginning, the distinction the author made between etiquette and genuine manners — and the argument that manners and civility should be one and the same, being it Li. I valued her sharing of her personal experience of being a cleaner in college and how it affected her point of view.
Despite the book having good ideas and goals, I feel it could have offered a broader perspective. It would have benefited from more historical context, as well as stronger connections between different ancient philosophies and modern thought, instead of focusing almost exclusively on ancient Chinese philosophy (particularly Confucius and Xunzi). The author could have incorporated Stoic philosophy, The Book of the Courtier, references to the Bhagavad Gita, Laozi, The Alchemy of Happiness, or even Gandhi. I felt disappointed by this limitation in what is otherwise a very interesting topic.
I must also point out the repetitiveness of the author’s writing; much of the text could have been condensed to avoid boring the reader. At times, I felt the chapters might have been stretched artificially to achieve equal length. Additionally, in my experience, the book often reflected the author’s personal views more than a purely Chinese philosophical perspective. Much more could have been said, even just within Chinese philosophy, by including more thinkers beyond Confucius and Xunzi.
I appreciated, right from the beginning, the distinction the author made between etiquette and genuine manners — and the argument that manners and civility should be one and the same, being it Li. I valued her sharing of her personal experience of being a cleaner in college and how it affected her point of view.
Despite the book having good ideas and goals, I feel it could have offered a broader perspective. It would have benefited from more historical context, as well as stronger connections between different ancient philosophies and modern thought, instead of focusing almost exclusively on ancient Chinese philosophy (particularly Confucius and Xunzi). The author could have incorporated Stoic philosophy, The Book of the Courtier, references to the Bhagavad Gita, Laozi, The Alchemy of Happiness, or even Gandhi. I felt disappointed by this limitation in what is otherwise a very interesting topic.
I must also point out the repetitiveness of the author’s writing; much of the text could have been condensed to avoid boring the reader. At times, I felt the chapters might have been stretched artificially to achieve equal length. Additionally, in my experience, the book often reflected the author’s personal views more than a purely Chinese philosophical perspective. Much more could have been said, even just within Chinese philosophy, by including more thinkers beyond Confucius and Xunzi.
September 27, 2019
Olberding develops her argument carefully and subtly. The slow and gentle steps mimic the politeness and civility she is arguing for. The book works quietly upon you, persuading you and drawing you in. One wishes that more people will read the book, so that it might work upon the public consciousness.
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews