*Heads up, I read an ARC of this so everything I’m about to mention may differ slightly from the finished copy*
As your local type 1 diabetic with OCD, I wanna talk a little bit about the diabetes and OCD rep in this book.
Starting with the diabetes rep, it was...bad. Like, really bad. I hate leaving negative reviews, but this has got to be the worst type 1 rep I have ever seen—0/10 and I’m legitimately mad about it. I could tell from the minute Delilah’s diabetes was introduced—and I mean literally, from the sentence it was introduced—that her diabetes was purely going to be used a plot point. And that is an enormous pet peeve of mine. Diabetes is not a fun little plot device to spice up your story. It’s an all-consuming chronic illness that needs to be represented accurately and respectfully in books—and it’s not. Type 1 diabetics deserve to see ourselves represented in the stories that we read. I can’t even call this representation; it was extremely inaccurate, never once managed to get inside the head of a diabetic despite literally being told from a diabetic’s point of view 1/3 of the time, and Delilah’s diabetes absolutely never came up unless it was being used to further the plot. Additionally, Delilah doesn’t act like a diabetic. She doesn’t think like a diabetic does. She never thinks about her diabetes at all, actually. If the authors had bothered to speak to a single diabetic before writing this, they would’ve known that diabetes is always on our minds. It literally impacts every single decision we make and every action we take throughout the day. There is always a section of my mind that is calculating and checking in on and adjusting for my diabetes, and we don’t see that at all with Delilah. I get it; non-diabetics have no understanding of what it’s like to be inside our heads. But that’s why research and input from actual diabetics is important. Otherwise you end up with this. What I’m most upset about, however, is the harmful misconceptions and stereotypes about diabetes that this book portrays as accurate and true. I spoke about the diabetes “representation” in here a lot with my best friend who also happens to be diabetic, and we decided it’s closer to a hate crime. Seriously, that’s how harmful this type 1 “rep” is. It’s angering and frustrating to see our disability exploited in this way in 2021. Enough already. My friend also had a great way of describing Delilah’s character: she’s not diabetic. She’s a non-diabetic who pops up every now and again randomly carrying several bottles of insulin in her purse. Seriously, if you replaced Delilah with a non-diabetic and gave her an absurd amount of bottles of insulin to hold, you’d have the same character. I have never seen diabetes as a plot point taken to the extent that it is in this book. Also, if Delilah were a real diabetic she’d be dead after what she did in this book—no spoilers but that isn’t how any of this works. She would have been fully dead.
Moving on from that, let’s talk OCD. I’ve seen a lot worse, but that definitely doesn’t make this rep good. I can tell that a least a tiny bit of research was done, unlike the diabetes “rep” which reads like it was taken from a five-minute scan of a Wikipedia article. I appreciate the effort to include a character with OCD, I really do, but the OCD rep is just not done well. The best way I can explain it is that we get all the compulsion and none of the obsession. It’s obsessive-compulsive disorder; the obsessions are why we do the compulsions. But even though the story is once again 1/3 of the time from Fiona’s point of view, we don’t see the obsessions. We don’t get to see what it’s like inside the mind of someone with OCD. There’s a lot of stigma around OCD, and a good portion of it stems from a broad misunderstanding of what OCD actually is. When people with OCD share our obsessive and intrusive thoughts, we’re told our thoughts are crazy, dangerous, and “not just OCD.” Intrusive thoughts can be extremely disturbing—that’s the point. They are thoughts that go so completely against our ethics and morals and desires that they scare and disgust us. And most people don’t know about that part of OCD. What we see with Fiona is a very stereotypical portrayal of a character with OCD who has only the most stereotypical compulsions and no reason why, no obsessions, behind them. It’s not that having “stereotypical” compulsions doesn’t happen—in fact, a few of mine could fall under this category. It’s that no other kind of compulsions are ever shown. The representation of OCD that the audience is getting is this one, specific image again and again in books and on-screen. OCD is a lot more complex, diverse, and complicated than that. This book’s portrayal of OCD felt very skin-deep to me. Additionally, Fiona has an eating disorder. It’s never mentioned by name, which I thought was odd, but the problem that I had was that it was conflated with her OCD. It was presented and referred to as if the 2 disorders were one and the same, like they were both part of her OCD and not two very different disorders. Yes, they are obviously both mental illnesses, but referring to both as part of Fiona’s OCD is inaccurate and misleading about both. A therapist is mentioned maybe twice, but we never see them. Additionally, her mental illnesses are collectively referred to as “the Voice” throughout the book—which would be fine, if the Voice was not also attributed to Fiona’s most immoral and violent thoughts. These thoughts aren’t intrusive thoughts and are not the product of mental illness, and to portray them as such plays right into the harmful stereotype that people with OCD are dangerous and/or violent and act on our intrusive thoughts, when in fact people with OCD are actually less likely to commit violent crimes than others. Once again, intrusive thoughts do not reflect a person’s true feelings or desires. They’re the exact opposite. Finally, Fiona’s OCD is wrapped up all nicely at the end and just solved—I only wish it were that easy. Oh, and OCD is used as an adjective, which I hate. Also literally this entire quote for so many reasons:
“There were some new character traits to describe Kate’s personality.
In walks Kate (19), her phone outstretched. She’s doing a live video. Counts her steps as she walks into the room. Kate is major OCD—the cleaning kind, the counting kind, the germs kind. She’s working on it.
Fiona’s head whipped up. ‘Why have they made Kate OCD?’”
Also this quote:
“She shut her eyes to listen to what the Voice thought, but the Voice was eerily silent. Ironic, considering Fiona wouldn’t mind a second opinion.”
I have never once tried to intentionally summon my anxious or intrusive thoughts—I’m ecstatic if they’re not around! Nobody with anxiety or OCD wants to have those anxious or intrusive thoughts. They’re debilitating and irrational and no one would ever consult them as a “second opinion”. This is just so inaccurate and so weird.
As for matters unrelated to representation, I just wasn’t really into this book. I was expecting more thriller and less relationship drama, of which there was a lot. I didn’t even like any of the relationships in here because they were all so toxic and the love interests were extremely unlikeable. Honestly, I didn’t really care for most of the main characters, either. There are ~7 prominent characters, and out of them I really only liked 2: Fiona and Jazmine, probably because they’re the most developed. Maybe my expectations were too high going into this, but I was left really disappointed. Especially with the ending, which doesn’t even wrap up and we’re left to wonder. This may be a personal thing but I cannot stand open endings most of the time. Especially in a mystery/thriller of all places! Ugh.