So, I just realized that this is not only my first Patterson book, but far more importantly, my first ever WRITTEN Goodreads book review - and this book warranted it. This book reminded me so much of my experience with The Woman in Cabin 10. Like The Woman in Cabin 10, I listened to the positive reviews on Goodreads and expected it to be a good...read (sorry - that just sorta happened). Like The Woman in Cabin 10 I hated this book from word one. However, unlike The Woman in Cabin 10, I realized that life is too short to read crappy books and this time I listened to my honed sense of discernment and got the heck out of Dodge before it was too late, chucking this book in the return bin ON TIME. I don't know how I would live with myself if I were to incur even one day of library late fees on this book.
Full disclosure: I only made it 40 pages into this masterpiece of mediocrity. I'm sure it is possible that on page 41 this book shifted completely and became something significant and borderline readable. I have my doubts. But let me say this if you are on the fence about this book and you're standing in the library, Goodreads app in hand, looking over reviews and seeing a high rating on this book, or you take the book home and realize 40 pages in that clawing your eyes out might be preferable to reading another 4 paragraph chapter: it is totally ok to let this one (or any book) go. I get that it's a Patterson and he's popular and in your head you hear the voices of his disciples mocking you for "not getting it", but it really will be ok, I promise.
So, here's what I genuinely hated about this book (any book really, but this book NAILED this pet peeve of mine): I cannot stand when an author is so clearly in love with his/her own voice to the point that it undermines the narrative and the character development. Nothing pulls me out of a book more than when the characters speak or behave in such unnatural ways that the only explanation is that the author couldn't get over how clever he was. This was the case all throughout the book - well, the first 40 pages at least. Patterson and his co-author seemed to spend so much time crafting unnatural, "witty" dialogue that they forgot to actually create characters you wanted to invest in or a story that moved forward at a reasonable pace. Literally, the first 40 pages all you learn is that the main character is a Psych professor and author who has been targeted for murder. (Here come a few mild spoilers, if you consider events occurring in the first 1/10 of the book a "spoiler") Also, he's gay and trying to adopt with his partner - and even this suffered from the "let's be clever and throw in a crazy twist!" The first two chapters, in which Reinhart (the protagonist) goes home and engages with his partner, Patterson and Co give his partner a girl's name ("Tracy" - yes, it's a girl's name and you know it) and remove ALL masculine references and pronouns from the chapter so that a few pages later, when it is revealed that TRACY IS A MAN (!) you get the sense they wanted this to be a big "GOTCHA!" twist for the audience, and instead of hearing the big brass horns signaling they wow'd you, you just hear a sad trombone. Who cares? Congratulations, guys, you threw in an absolutely pointless A-HA moment and pulled it off by writing unnaturally (who avoids pronouns and calls a character by their first name EVERY time they are mentioned?). You didn't fool us - you just withheld significant information to create an insignificant "twist". I would not be surprised if they worked harder on those 4 pages than any 4 chapters combined (which, ironically, is also almost 4 pages - I'll get to that in a second).
But back on the topic of tone. The authors seemed to work overtime in putting together conversations that would never happen in the real world as each line of dialogue was clearly written to be as witty and clever as possible. Much of the dialogue is presented as witty back-and-forth conversations full of quippy one-upmanship. I imagine the authors high-fiving themselves every time a "clever" line of dialogue is dropped. In fact, the first conversation in the book is LITERALLY presented as a tennis match in which the protagonist gives us a "Whoosh" every time a verbal jab is thrown. This is not a joke nor exaggeration in the slightest. A professional author did this. And people liked it.
And then you have the problem of realism - or un...realism. Reinhart is told early on, at a bar, that it is believed he is being targeted by a disturbed serial killer that the police can't stop. Scary right! Run away and hide, right?! Not, Reinhart! He's cool with it. Goes home, opts to withhold that info from his life partner of many years because he would freak over it and instead moves ahead with adoption home visit preparations, full of discussing what to wear with his partner. That's right - renowned psychologist, professor, and author who doesn't bat an eye at the threat of a serial killer coming after him or his family and he can't match a shirt and pants. Whatever gets a laugh, though, amirite?
Finally, the structure. I have never read a book like this, thank God. Maybe this is a Patterson thing, but every - EVERY - chapter is 1.5-3 pages long, and chapters will end in the middle of a conversation only to be picked up in the exact same spot on the next page. For. No. Reason. Not once during a chapter break did I think, "That made sense to stop there. Good choice." It was nonsensical and irritating and totally unnecessary. Maybe I'm not as cool as Patterson is, but it totally pulled me out of the narrative as, in mid-conversation, I would frequently stop to think, "Why did that just happen? What did it achieve?" This did not work for me at all.
I suppose this is probably the longest GR review for 40 pages of a novel so I'll try to wrap it up. 40 pages in I realized nothing of real significance had happened. 40 pages in I did not care about a single character. 40 pages in I didn't know any more than what the jacket summary revealed. 40 pages in I was irritated that I had already wasted as much time as I had (which wasn't a lot because the chapters are 4 paragraphs) reading something so trite and poorly written. 40 pages in I knew I needed to stop, that it wasn't going to get better, and that I needed to write a review to try and warn SOME people that this book is not worth their time. If you liked it, great. Glad you connected with it. But the reviews are way too high for a book that was almost PHYSICALLY painful to read and if you aren't totally in love with a book like this, I suggest moving along to literally anything else.
For the record, in the library parking lot I cracked open the last 4 pages (or chapters 101-106) to see if it got any better. It didn't. Stupid ending. Unrealistic. Rushed. The main character gets away with doing things that would never happen in real life. Everything is tied up in a neat little bow without effort. Super glad I returned it from whence it came.
Finally, this is how I would best sum it up. In the first scene, the professor is giving his first lecture to a group of freshmen. His inner monologue shows his disdain for them, rooted in how clever and smug he finds himself, and he is borderline prideful of how superior he is to them. I honestly couldn't tell if this was just the character or Patterson's extension of himself and how he views his audience.
40 pages is all it took for me to decide I would never read another Patterson book.