跟阿德勒學正向教養－青少年篇：溫和堅定的父母力，90個守則，引導孩子放眼未來、邁向獨立

by Jane Nelsen, 簡・尼爾森, Lynn Lott

百萬家庭跟阿德勒學正向教養力！
「培養成年人」的任務，讓青少年學會管理自己！
家有青春期孩子的父母，你需要一本真正理解你和青少年、
化解對立衝突、學習愛與尊重的教養書！
　　
★「正向教養」風行美國逾35年，系列書共出版20冊，以16種語言發行全球60國，銷售逾200萬冊！
★台灣第一本正宗、涵蓋青少年各個面向的經典教養指南！繼7月甫上市《跟阿德勒學正向教養》銷售熱潮，旋即推出「青少年篇」，延續阿德勒心理學基礎，安撫每一位焦慮父母與躁動少年的心！
　　
如果你總是拯救或控制青少年子女，是否想過當有一天你不在時，孩子會變得如何？教養青少年從來不是一件容易的事！在美國風行數十年的「正向教養」創始人──簡．尼爾森，與幫助過無數親子度過青春期風暴的琳．洛特告訴你，身為父母的最高成就是「無用」──不再被需要，幫助青少年子女學會獨立生存所需的人格特質與生活技能，如此，才能放心讓孩子邁向充滿挑戰的未來。
　　
◎關於青春期孩子成長的探問，與青少年「握手言和」
該如何「賦能」青少年，幫助孩子學會獨立，而不是幫他們做他們能做的事，使孩子「減能」──降低學習能力？簡和琳以大量的生活實例和具體方法，幫助父母從了解青少年成長困境到積極啟發青少年走向獨立，深度探討孩子成長的各種難題，協助親子一同面對和解決：
　　
．如何知道孩子變成了青少年？理想中的青少年跟真實的青少年差距有多大？
．如何開啟與青少年子女的真誠對話？
．如何教導孩子生活的技能？何時該對青少年放手？又該放手到什麼程度？
．如何將錯誤轉變成美好的學習機會？
．如何在教養青少年的同時保持理性？
．如何避免落入對子女過度控制或溺愛的陷阱？
．如何幫助青少年子女面對網路世界？
．如何引導青少年追求使他們快樂的目標？
　　
青少年不是叛逆，而是對自己和世界開始好奇。當你站在青少年子女的角色思考與同理，放下威權責罵，以積極鼓勵取代責備、命令的無效教養，就能發揮溫和堅定的父母力！
　　
◎改變需要練習，書中的每一句話，
都能幫助你檢視自己，重新學習更有效的教養！
孩子需要被理解，而不是控制！本書運用阿德勒心理輔導法：一套涵蓋溝通、衝突處理與相互尊重的「正向教養法」，為父母和青少年設計各種實用的教養技巧，舉凡：壓力遊戲、畫一個青少年、發展「感受詞彙」工具、打開「第三隻耳朵」傾聽、召開「家庭會議」、從錯誤中復原的步驟、「做交易」激勵青少年、共享「特殊時光」的點子……包含90個教養守則、65個實用練習，以及許許多多親子對話情境、衝突實況、情緒難題；甚至可以聽到來自無數青少年的真實心聲。邀請父母以「注重長期效果」的教養法，跟孩子建立親密、信賴、相互尊重的關係。
　　
◎親子傳達愛與尊重訊息、給予積極鼓勵的時刻！
實行正向教養法的目的，是為了幫助青少年日後有能力處理人生各種危機及挑戰，並帶著快樂的心、獨立的意志，迎向下一段生命旅程。全書深度而完整涵蓋青少年各個面向的探討，提供父母明確的指引和教養技巧，幫助你進入青少年的內心世界，給予溫和堅定的支持。而當父母明白，青春期只是一段孩子嘗試搞清楚自己想法的時期，就更能平心靜氣地享受這幾年陪伴孩子的時光，以此創造溫暖平和的家庭關係。
　　
本書特色

1.運用阿德勒心理輔導法──簡．尼爾森在1980年代接受美國聯邦政府委託，主持「正向教養法」教育研究專案，結果發現對孩子有明顯正面的影響和啟發。
2.收錄數不清的正向教養技巧、實踐案例及自我檢視的提問──協助父母引導青少年成為具有高度社會適應力的大人。
3.提供父母額外的優惠──有機會重新探索自己在青春期未能找到解決辦法的議題。
4.適合青少年自己閱讀──針對自身面臨的成長難題，與父母一同討論，積極找出解決方法。
5.每一章最後都有「溫和堅定的父母力」專欄──提供「教養守則」及「實用練習」，整理該篇章的實踐重點，給予父母明確的指引。
6.台灣首位獲美國PDA正向教育協會認證導師及講師──姚以婷專文導讀、審訂。

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Child Psychology, Family, Self Help, Social

384 pages, Paperback

First published January 24, 1994

About the author

Dr. Jane Nelsen is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in South Jordan, UT and Carlsbad, CA.

She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.

Reviews

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I realized a few months ago that starting next year, I was going to have 13 straight years of one or more high schoolers living in my home, so maybe I should start thinking through who I want to be as a mother of teenagers. And somehow figure out how to be that person while also being the right kind of mother for the preschooler. Still working on that. Anyways, a friend of mine has been teaching a class for her congregation on raising teenagers, so I jumped on that ship, and this was our text for the class.

As I'll say with any parenting book, I don't agree with the author 100% of the time. Every child, parent, and family dynamic are different, so there isn't going to be a magical book that fits perfectly and solves every problem. In particular, I was not a fan of the authors' obvious prejudice against using mental health medication. While I agree with them that medication alone isn't enough, let me tell you, the right medication in the right situation can bring you to the right mental place where you can do that necessary emotional work. For real, I can't even count the number of people I know who have had it transform their life for the better. So I didn't love their frequent jabs at using antidepressants, etc. There are also strategies they talk about that are just impossible in families with more than two kids.

I also wish the authors had provided more guidance for parents that are trying to parent within a cultural/spiritual/ideological framework - they acknowledged that it exists, and I recognize that being comprehensive would be impossible, but it feels like one of the biggest sources of tension between parents and teens (at least from where I'm sitting in my immigrant-heavy neighborhood), and some acknowledgement that this dynamic is at play would really help.

That said, this book really had a lot going for it, and I've already seen results from some shifts in my parenthood.

First of all, family meetings. Holy moly. It sounded very Leave it to Beaver, but that formula of compliments-calendar-issues has been magic. OK, and it helps that I pay them their weekly allowance at the end, so they're always excited to come. But raising peacemakers (rather than conflict avoiders) is an important part of our family values, and it is awesome that when a conflict comes up, we can say, "let's discuss this at the family meeting," give everyone uninterrupted time to say their piece and be heard, and then brainstorm ways to meet everyone's needs. The kids have generated some really great solutions to their problems, and we've even had times I've put something on the agenda for the meeting, and they've already solved it using that kind of listening before Sunday rolls around. And I think having a built-in place for us to recognize the good things others are doing is just lovely, and a great way to set the tone.

Second, it really reminded me of how it feels to think like a teenager. Sometimes I look back at my teen years and wonder why I did such idiotic things, but reading this helped me see that I did in fact have a logic behind what I was doing, and while I haven't had a good opportunity to apply the principle with my kids, I feel like I have some good strategies in place for getting down to what is really going on when things get wonky.

Finally, I love how much respect it shows for the teenagers themselves, and the process of growing up. I love that it places value on giving teenagers opportunities to figure out what is really important to them and make decisions based on that, explore their identity, make mistakes, learn from their mistakes on their own, listen to the views of others, have a place where they can see true listening modeled, and grow in responsibility. And it helped me think through what decisions I need to make to give my teens opportunities to develop in ways that fit our family values. This was a good reading experience for me.

[Henrique Zamboni · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book mainly because of my work. I’m not a parent, but I’m always in touch with teenagers in the classroom. I’m an English language teacher based in São Paulo, Brazil, and I can safely say that this book has given me a lot of useful insights and I do feel more resourceful now. I’m looking forward to reading Positive Discipline in the Classroom now.

[Abby · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good info on being positive and communication, but I didn’t see any discipline in this book and overall I just found it confusing with a lot of what not to do and not so much of what TO do.

[Shelli · Rating 4 out of 5]

My daughter noticed this book on my tablet and asked why I was reading it. Thankfully things have gone well so far on this teenage journey; however we are only just at the beginning. I told her that I would rather gather information before there is a problem so when and if those problems arise I might better handle them. She replied by telling me how smart of a mother she has; I rather love her. I found this book by accident and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time, when I need to start reprogramming the way I respond to my daughter and releasing some of my perceived control that I had over her during childhood. While I didn't agree with all the advice given, particularly in regards to how to handle teenagers who drink and drive, the majority I did. I will, and already have, recommend this book to parents of teenagers particularly in the earliest stages; although it is never too late to do and be better. The layout is enjoyable with many personal accounts of parents sharing their own stories, both successes and failures.

[Lora · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a psychotherapist working with teens and families. I give this book to almost all of my parents at our first session. I often hear back that after reading the first few pages, they felt a huge sense of relief. I highly recommend this book for every parent!

[Beverley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent parenting book, easy to read and use.

[J Kendra Low · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was helpful in learning how to effectively build a good relationship and get cooperation from my teenage son. If you’re child is strong willed I recommend this book for you. It is full of organized explanations, exercises, tips and habits to get you to were you need to be with your teen. I’m so proud of the high functioning and peaceful relationship I’ve built with my incredibly capable son thanks to this book.

[Catherine · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book leaves you with the unrealistic idea that if parents would just be respectful and willing to talk out/negotiate every little thing with their teen, everything will be fine. "Move over to the co-pilot's seat so you can have a positive influence on your teens without trying to run their lives." There's nothing in here about discipline.

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn’t really get this book. There’s no advice and no ideas on how to discipline in any way. Why is it called positive discipline? If you’re looking for a book to tell you what you’re doing wrong (yelling, not listening, reacting too quickly or without all the information) then this may be helpful. If you are looking for ways to help with what you’re doing wrong, this is not the book for you.

[Anita Velez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing guide to parent teenagers from the heart

I am very grateful to have found this book. I also took on the online parent class and I really love this approach coming from the heart and having faith teenage years will be much better, growing together with my kids for becoming well rounded adults that make right choices for their life and live from their hearts.

[Mary Lou Baker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great parenting book

I like the positive approach. I also learned a lot about how to empower and not enable or rescue my teen.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed this book, always open to new ideas

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

When you buy a book on accident and read it anyway. Parenting books are fascinating.

[Michelle Weijia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Notes for myself:
- useful and practical
- would recommend

[Juliana Oliveira · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read for parents- it is important that both parents read it and align / agree on it. Really strong help to improve the quality of parents & teens relationships

[Rreyes · Rating 5 out of 5]

The is a must-have for parents of teenagers.

[Cynthia Judkins · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read part of it.

[Cory · Rating 1 out of 5]

The section on depression should entirely discredit this entire book.

[Stephanie Elieson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I disagreed with the first 30% of this book it seemed. But many chapters from the second half brought up some great points.

[Kari · Rating 4 out of 5]

4-5 ✨

[Nayeli Velasco · Rating 3 out of 5]

Libro de consulta permanente de acuerdo a las diferentes etapas de un/a adolescente.

[Another · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first part was quite good, and there was some useful information about helping the teen recognize their emotions, a table of personality types at the end (which probably should have been way in the beginning), and a few other parts I found helpful. I liked the reminders that your relationship with your child is precious and the most important thing.

Having said that - it's also important to try to help your teen make good choices. I do not believe that letting them do whatever they want and just talking about things is the best (or a safe) approach in every situation for every child.

The section on scary behavior was spectacularly unhelpful. Telling me not to worry so much is not really going to keep my kid from getting pregnant or get an STD or get rolling drunk and accidentally kill herself. I have one daughter who is clearly at risk for all these things, and she's the reason I read this book. I don't think I got a lot of help with her problems.

I did actually apply the principles in the book and the scary behavior quickly escalated. Some kids do need a lot of guidance and sometimes freedom has to be scaled back if it's apparent that the kid cannot manage things well - whether the child likes it or not.

More information on teen brain development and the stages we can expect to see would have been helpful too.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

There were parts of this book I didn't relate to very well--it could be a little over-the-top with the psychobabble, spent a lot of time trying to convince me that I had childhood "issues" I had to deal with first (If I'm going to wait to parent until I have all *my* childhood issues taken care of, I may as well have given up before I started) and there were some pretty, um, OK incredibly lenient examples in the book. (Fifteen-year-old-girl --"Hey, mom, I know how much you worry, so I'm going to tell you--I'm going out to an all-night rave party. I don't intend to have sex with anyone, though" Mom--"Ok, dear, thanks for telling me" ) ???????? Yikes. However, there were some very good chapters on respecting our children, tips on "co-piloting", and an excellent chapter on follow-through that make the book valuable enough a read to merit some stars.

[H · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like all parenting books, this one has to be read with a large grain of salt. But it has enough wisdom in it to make it worth the read. I know it has helped me remember that with teens, sometimes you just have to let them have the snit.... I also think that the advice to be kind is well worth it, because it is way too easy to forget just how sensitive these kids still are. I also appreciate the being "firm" part, as it helps me when I hate saying "no" to remember that it is really helping them when I stand firm on some things.

[Corrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This approach to parenting is a complete paradigm shift for me. I appreciate Rachel sharing information about this author. I grew up with controlling parents and know first hand just how well that works out - you'd think I wouldn't repeat it, but then it's all I've known. This book makes sense and I know it will be hard to implement, but I think Rachel is right. This is how we should parent.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this book. I knew that the ideas would be great. Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott always have great tools and suggestions. But this book was so much heavier on the "whys" than the other books in the PD sereies that I really got a lot more out of it. I will definitely be revisiting this book in the years to come.

[Cassandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

I'm very intrigued by the parenting ideas in this book but am unsure of how they will translate into an older child adoption. The book assumes that the parent has already raised their child for 13 years. We're adopting an 11 year old and will be starting from scratch. Will some of these ideas work with her as well? It will be interesting to see what happens.

[Alicia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting book. It helped me adjust my perspective on parenting teenagers. At first the book seemed too "easy" on obnoxious behavior, but I've been amazed how the calm approach really does work better than the controlling approach!

[Colleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first respectful book I've read on parenting teens. The author believes in the fundamental dignity of children, adolescents and adults, and gives useful advice, placing responsibility for the relationship where it belongs-- with parents.

[Tracy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good but mostly aimed at families where the children aren't TOO troubled. Not totally realistic for me but still worth reading with some good suggestions.