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384 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 3, 2019
"You can prepare for it all you want. You can play out scenarios in your head every which way you can imagine. Suspecting it was happening . . . that’s one thing. Actually seeing it . . . that’s another."
"When you spend your time with someone, it's hard not to rationalise. It's hard to admit when something is over. But however it happens, whenever it happens, doesn't matter. It only matters that it happens."
"In the space of a breath, I remember how it felt not to be sneaking around with him — as if I'd just bought a great pair of one-of-a-kind strappy sandals. And they're comfortable, and sexy, and they go with everything, but after slipping them on a few times, I notice they're not holding up against normal wear and tear. Lieutenant KJ Decker is like these sandals. He's great to a certain point, but then the buckles start to fall off and the leather becomes unstitched, so to speak. And he's still beautiful, and I keep taking him out of the box to look at him, but I know if I test him out again, on actual pavement, it's only a matter of time before I'm barefoot."
"That's the way I remember it. I was enamoured with you. It was happening before I knew we'd decided to do it. And it hurt. But I thought I loved you, so I let it happen. It was a different era, Ian. Before women knew we could speak out against the most popular boys in school. Before we were educated. Before anything would do anything about it if things went too far, further than a girl was ready to go. If we knew our perpetrators — if we loved them, we assumed we got what we deserved. Furthermore, we assume that we'd subliminally asked for it, even if we'd never wanted it to begin with. And then I was too ashamed not to continue seeing you. I had to make it worth it, you see. I had to go the distance with you. I couldn't lose you, because if I did, my worst fears would have been realized — I would have been exactly what you thought I was back then. Easy. Disposable. Unimportant."