Cum să fii tu însuți. Liniștește-ți criticul interior și depășește anxietatea socială

by Ellen Hendriksen, Irina-Marina Borţoi (Translator)

Patru din zece persoane consideră că sunt timide. Se referă la sine spunând că sunt "introvertite" sau că "nu se simt confortabil" în societate – pot vorbi deschis între prieteni, dar rămân fără cuvinte la ședințe sau la petrecerile cu multă lume. Iar când se plâng că se sunt intimidate de o discuție cu șeful lor sau de o prezentare în fața unei audiențe, aud veșnica încurajare: "Poartă-te firesc! Fii tu însuți!".

Ușor de spus, dar greu de făcut, mai ales când ești predispus la anxietate socială, observă autoarea cărții de față, specialistă în tulburările anxioase. Oferind explicații științifice clare, sfaturi directe și povești de viață încurajatoare, Ellen Hendriksen pleacă de la o premisă surpinzătoare: orice timid are în sine suficiente resurse pentru a face față unor situații sociale noi și angoasante.

Cartea ajută cititorul să înțeleagă rădăcinile anxietății sociale, dar și în ce fel mintea noastră poate fi "resetată" prin schimbarea unor comportamente și prin reducerea la tăcere a Criticului Interior – acea voce enervantă care-ți șoptește: "Toți te vor judeca". Folosindu-și umorul, dar și expertiza psihoterapeutică, autoarea îi ajută pe cei timizi să-și regăsească încrederea și să contracareze anxietatea încă din fașă. Doar așa vor putea să se simtă în largul lor, să fie ei înșiși.


Ellen Hendriksen este psiholog clinician la Centrul pentru Anxietate și alte Tulburări Asociate de la Universitatea din Boston. A devenit celebră în mediul online prin seria de editoriale audio "Savvy Psychologist" (Psihologul iscusit).

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Audiobook, Personal Development, Personal Growth

312 pages, Paperback

First published March 13, 2018

About the author

DR. ELLEN HENDRIKSEN is a clinical psychologist who will help you calm your anxiety and be your authentic self. She serves on the faculty at Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD) and is the author of HOW TO BE ENOUGH: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists and HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety.

Ellen’s scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach has been featured in The New York Times, Harvard Business Review, O: The Oprah Magazine, goop, Scientific American, Psychology Today, and many other media outlets.

Ellen earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. She lives in the Boston area with her family.

Join in at EllenHendriksen.com or follow on Substack or Instagram.

Reviews

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish that I had this book 10 years ago, when I was 20 and trying to figure out who I was. I wish I had this book when I didn't know what was wrong with me, when I thought I was weird or annoying.
Even though this book may be more beneficial to someone in a younger population, no matter who you are, if you experience any social anxiety, you will benefit from reading this. if not, I'm sure you know someone who could.
well written and researched.
*sitting here, after editing this review over and over, finally having the courage to press save without worrying someone will read this comment and roll their eyes, or think I sound stupid*

[CM · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this book to be pretty tedious and boring. It basically can be summed up very quickly. To overcome social anxiety, practice putting yourself in situations that make you uncomfortable and stop thinking that you always need to be perfect. Practice makes perfect. Seemed like a lot of words to give such generic advice.

[Nataliya Yaneva · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Social anxiety is self-consciousness on steroids.”
Когато задълбаеш в някакъв проблем и откриеш позагнилите му корени, би трябвало да можеш да го решиш, нали? Социалната тревожност („социална фобия“ звучи доста по-близо до истината, жалко, че се използва рядко) е феномен, при който не е точно така. Хората, които си я отглеждат, играят на вечна криеница между разумната и емоционалната страна на мозъка си. Наясно са, че ослепяващите светкавици на ирационалните мисли, които им минават, твърде вероятно са лъжливи. Обаче изглеждат толкова истински, че податливата дясна мозъчна половина почти винаги се подчинява.

Д-р Елън Хендриксън е клиничен психолог, като самата тя се бори с тежка социална тревожност и специализира в тази област. Както Хендриксън отбелязва, “research is a me-search”. Подобно на депресията, социалната фобия има силна генетична предопределеност, влияе се от семейната среда, изборите ни и немалка доза случайност. Поради значителните сходства за развиването им, депресията и тревожността често са си първи дружки, както и сами се досещате.

Доста определящо е отношението на родителите към малките им деца, склонни към тревожност. Ако сте изтеглили късата генетична клечка, но родителите ви показват, че можете безопасно да изследвате света и той не е чак толкова страшно място, може и да не помиришете социалната тревожност. Ако пък сте дете на нервни, трескави родители, които съзират опасности зад всеки ъгъл, подгответе се за нелеко битие. За вас светът задълго ще си остане повече забулен в сенки, отколкото светъл. (При провал на някакво евентуално събитие родителите ми и до днес често казват „По-добре, къде/как щеше да ходиш“, а любимата ми баба смята, че ако човек си подаде носа от прага, обикновено го удря гръм, залива го потоп или вулкан изригва отгоре му.)

Корените на социалната фобия, разбира се, са напълно обосновани. Да се „изложиш“ или да си „некомпетентен“ значи да си различен и води до отхвърляне от общността. А това за момента е равно на смърт за повечето от нас. Поне така си интерпретира действителността тревожният мозък. Може би още хиляди години еволюция ще преобърнат този тип мислене, но след като прочетох “A General Theory of Love” и осмислих лимбичната ни зависимост един от друг, някак се съмнявам.

Като учен д-р Хендриксън привежда изключително много примери на ситуации със себе си и свои клиенти. Хуманно показва, че тревожните хора не са извънземни и всеки се е чувствал като тях в определен момент. Гигантското ѝ чувство за хумор и честотата на шегите ѝ е отчасти придобитият рефлекс на всеки тревожник – да отклони вниманието от това, че се чувства фундаментално неадекватен. На някого могат да се сторят преекспонирани, но аз ги намирам за очарователни. Методите за справяне с тревожността, посочени от д-р Хендриксън, звучат простичко, но не са никак лесни за приложение. Повечето от тях са логични, до някои можеш да достигнеш мъчително и самичък.

Всеки със социална фобия ще ви каже, че е безкрайно изтощително да се опитваш да помириш свръххиперболизирания си инстинкт за самосъхранение с действителните рискове, които дебнат в света. И че всеки тревожен човек има усещането, че животът му е ограбен и някак не е като всички останали. Препоръчвам с две ръце “How to Be Yourself” на всички, които поне малко се интересуват лично или просто от обща култура от темата. Елън Хендриксън води и доста редовен и информативен подкаст, наречен “The Savvy Psychologist” , където можете да чуете епизоди по най-различни психологически въпроси. Мисля, че повече от всякога е нужно да сме все по-толерантни и разбиращи. Към себе си и към останалите.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm an introvert. I hate large parties. I'm awkward. . . I started reading this book waiting for it to tell me something and it just went on and on with a story about someone. I kept reading/skimming hoping for something. I felt like the information I was trying to find was bogged down in examples and narratives. It was incredibly boring and tedious for me to read so I skimmed and gave up. I wish there was a cliff notes version or that the information was presented in a more direct way.

[Tayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m so sad that I finished listening to this audiobook. Listening to How To Be Yourself made me feel less alone in my struggles with social anxiety and made me feel more hopeful about coping with it in the future.

Ellen is a wonderful and compassionate person. The fact that she has also struggled with social anxiety made this book so much better than others I have read about social anxiety, because I know I’m listening to someone who understands exactly how it feels.

I’m pretty sure this book is going to be reread every time I'm having trouble with my social anxiety. Thank you so much for this book Ellen!!

[Ada · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have always thought my internal thoughts were crazy, but this book mentioned all the things I've felt making it seem less scary. It made me feel less alone; that other people feel the way I feel. I would definitely recommend this to anyone struggling with social anxiety with hopes of breaking out of their mental confinements. I might even buy this book so that I can keep it on hand for refresher courses while on my journey to establish deep rooted confidence.

[Leen · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the author does share some useful tips on how to overcome social anxiety (such as getting used to the discomfort until it no longer bothers you) and shares some insights about why humans do experience social anxiety from an evolutionary point of view, it's still a 3-stars read imho because I felt there could've been more depth in understanding the root cause of one's social anxiety - a lack of self esteem. The author brings up developmental and genetic issues briefly, which I wish she had touched on more because understanding the root plays a crucial role in solving the problem.

The author does what she promised in the title - give out advice on how to handle one's social anxiety in a series of steps. However, I felt that most times, she paints a rather rosy picture. For example, she suggests to ask oneself "what are the odds of it happening? Can I handle it? What's the worst that can happen?" In any scenarios where social anxiety might attack one's mind. She then goes on to give examples of either how what you think would happen doesn't happen or only happens to a minimal extent. Otherwise, she gives examples of even if it happens, "you wouldn't get in a tragic disaster." However, life isn't always that rosy for people with social anxiety, and first attempts are not always as smooth. An example to her three questions would be if i had social anxiety trying to learn dancing in front of a group of people because I'm really not adequate in that field (due to lack of practice, lack of confidence etc etc) - the worst that could happen to me would be that they would laugh at me, and that I would feel completely incompetent in the field of dancing where I was trying to be competent at. The odds of it happening would be dependent on how socially sensitive the crowd is, and if it does happen because some people in the crowd are just insensitive? And to ask the question "can I handle it" in a scenario where I wouldn't know how to because it's my first time would make me feel worst about my competence.

The author does highlight that if eg people do laugh at you, it speaks more about them than about you - but yet, we all know in that moment, saying "they're just insensitive people and it doesn't mean I'm incompetent" does little, if at all, to comfort you.

From her writing, there are glimmers that she has a lot more advice to handle each individual scenario if it does happen (including the one I painted earlier). I truly believe that she would be an excellent psychiatrist to go to if I had social anxiety. However, perhaps due to page and time limitations, she doesn't give enough depth. Would had been a 5 stars book if the examples were less extreme or less positive (more reality centered) and also more root-focused. However, for those who are trying to get some quick social anxiety fix, there are some tips that might still be of use.

Would recommend reading this with The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden first.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Social anxiety is self-consciousness on steroids, it highjacks our ability to think, speak and respond."

What can I say, this is my spirit book, the examples and stories are all too familiar. How to Be Yourself is the BEST book on social anxiety and brought so many feels. If like me, you're a socially anxious introvert I highly recommend giving the book a concentrated read. If this is not you, but you have close relations with anyone with social anxiety, this book will provide you with a better sense of what it's like from their view. The book reminded me that I am enough just as I am and made me feel less alone. I fully intend to work on implementing the suggestions given in the book to quiet my inner critic and make me recognize that nothing is wrong with me. There is so much real, practical advice to take to heart from this book. Ellen highlights how brave and amazing humans are who face social anxiety, and quotes, "We care about people, we make wonderful friends and partners for the people who are lucky enough to know us. Ironically, the individuals I work with who experience social anxiety, the same people who think they're inadequate awkward failures are time and again the most interesting, beautiful and kind people one who could ever hope to meet."

Remember, being kind and trustworthy fuels connection.
"You don't have to be outgoing, extroverted, confident, or popular. All you have to be in kind, and that's something you have in you already. Something else you have in you is all the other natural traits that come along with the package deal of social anxiety, your empathy, your ability to listen, your high standards, your conscientiousness. Combine these with the skills and knowledge that you'll gain from How to Be Yourself, and you can lean into the people around you by reaching out. Be kind. Be warm. It might change your life."

If you enjoy this book, Ellen also talks about the books,
Quiet and Rejection Proof which I have also read, rated, and reviewed.

[Brandi D'Angelo · Rating 3 out of 5]

For me, some of the best advice came at the very end. Author Ellen Hendriksen explains that it really just all boils down to kindness. "By caring enough, you send into the world your best efforts. By caring enough, you offer the world incredible strength and value." Some advice to those who are socially anxious (which, by the way, doesn't automatically pin you as an introvert, and vice versus,) are to shift your attention outward (on the other person, the environment, your breath,) dare to be average (as Jillian Michaels says, "Perfect sucks,") keep showing up, share yourself, and show an interest in others.

I thought the most useful section of the book was on making friends. Surprisingly, it has less to do with finding "the" friend. We're all so focused on finding someone with our beliefs, hobbies, lifestyle, etc., and we're missing the boat. The trick is spending repeated time with the same group of people. After that, it's all about sharing yourself (going beyond the shallows of "I'm fine. How are you?") and showing interest in them. Easy, right?

I only gave it 3 stars because I felt like a lot of the info was stuff I'd heard before and it seemed a little long-winded. I think this book is excellent if you are younger and/or just starting out reading in the self-help arena. But if you are more of an old soldier, you can speed read thru quite a bit of the first half.

Lastly, I'll leave you with one of her mindful exercises, because I thought it was so cool. It is called 5-4-3-2-1. Work your way thru the five senses. First, name 5 things you can see. Next, name 4 things you can hear. Next, 3 things you can touch. Then 2 things you can smell. Last, one thing you can taste.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though I don't consider myself socially anxious (most of the time, anyway!), I still found a lot of useful information in this book! I highly recommend it for people who consider themselves shy, but still think most people can get a lot out of reading it. This reminded me a lot of Quiet, but the sequel.

Some things that stuck with me:

We are our own harshest critics. When critiquing ourselves about something you embarrassing you did or said, think, "Would I critique my best friend for this, or tell him/her it's not that big of a deal?" Generally we would be much kinder with a friend, so why are we so harsh on ourselves?

To continue this, being overly harsh on ourselves often does NOT help you to improve. Think of the following two scenarios.
A swim coach tells a child who is struggling to learn to swim:
A) "You're a fucking idiot for not picking it up already, why are you even here?"
B) "Focus on keeping your legs straight. It's hard to learn at first, but if you keep practicing, I bet you'll get it!"
Obviously we like coach B better. Obviously the kid in coach B's class will most likely stick with his swimming lessons and eventually get better faster than a child in coach A's class. So why do we often speak to ourselves like coach A? We should be compassionate when speaking to ourselves about things we can improve on. Compassion doesn't mean giving ourselves a free pass, but rather speaking with kindness, encouragement, and understanding.

Social anxiety is a sign that you are a GOOD person - it means you care what others think and genuinely don't want to make others uncomfortable! This is a super power! Social anxiety means you feel nervous in certain situations, NOT that you're socially incompetent. Socially anxious people are often very socially competent with good friends/ family because they do not feel nervous with them. Thus, they often have social skills already, but their anxiety inhibits them from properly utilizing those skills, and just need to work on alleviating their anxiety so that those natural social skills shine through.

If something makes you feel socially nervous, you should force yourself to do it. Avoiding feels good in the short term but is bad in the long term. Exposure therapy! The first time will be the worst, and you'll realize it wasn't as bad as you thought, and each time will be subsequently less nerve-wracking.

Continuing with the previous point - one way to alleviate anxiety is to assign yourself a role in uncomfortable social situations, whether real or made-up. People, particularly socially anxious people, do better when their social roles have rules than if they are open-ended. Example - if you are a member of a club, if you take on a treasurer role, you will feel much more comfortable initiating conversations with everyone in the club if you have a purpose (explaining dues/fees) and that conversation will often naturally lead elsewhere. If there are no former roles, you can invent one. For example, if you are in a supermarket and struggle to make eye-contact (common with shy people), count people wearing hats. This will cause you to make eye contact more without realizing it. If at a party where you don't know anyone, make it your internal goal to speak with anyone who isn't talking to someone. You will be amazed by how much easier it is to strike up conversations when you give yourself a (hidden) goal to do so with certain people.

We judge our social skills on how competent we believe we are, but we judge others' social skills on how kind they are. Many great conversations cover boring topics and are not filled with constant quippy anecdotes. Focus on being kind when conversing and don't worry if everything you say isn't mind-blowingly intelligent and cool. Most people aren't mind-blowingly intelligent and cool all the time.

Try to make eye contact around 2/3 of the time when speaking with someone one-on-one. Less makes you seem insecure, more makes you seem creepy. Look them in the eyes for a bit, look at something else when it becomes overwhelming, rinse and repeat.

Remember that making friends is the act of CULTIVATING friendships, and that this happens over time, not immediately. Everyone knows they should "go to meetups, join clubs, volunteer", etc to meet new people. But this book takes us past the "duh"advice and gives more in-depth tips. Make sure to CONSISTENTLY go to these meetings to cultivate the friendship over time. Make sure you choose things where you have the opportunity to talk with others and that have the same group of people each time (an exercise class that meets every Tuesday vs going to the gym and running on a treadmill at random times, a 8-week class vs a one-off lecture). Make sure to initiate conversations with people while there. Sometimes you may get lucky and someone will make the effort, but don't rely on that. YOU should spark the conversations. They can be simple and easy, like "how long have you been going to this class?" or "what did you think of the book this month?" A simple conversation is still a positive interaction, and over time, these will naturally evolve to become more in depth as you find common ground with your conversation partner.

We think that friendships happen because of common interests, but really we become friends with people we see consistently. The more often we see someone, the more likely they will become our friend. The main requirement is that your interactions are positive (i.e. the person is kind when they speak to you). You can become friends with anyone who is kind if you talk to them enough.

We overestimate how much others can see our nervousness and underestimate how nervous others are in social situations. Most people can't tell if you're nervous.

Stop relying on things like playing on your phone when you feel uncomfortable. These habits make you appear standoffish. People are much less likely to initiate a conversation if you are on your phone or appear disinterested. Although internally what we are feeling is anxiety, what someone else sees is disinterest and standoffishness, so challenge yourself to remove the security blankets to appear more earnest to strangers.

[Tarn Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very helpful book for facing, not just social anxiety, but fears of all kind. Practical. Accessible. Sensible. Compassionate. Wise. With a touch of humor.

[Susie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This had straightforward and useful advice and tips for dealing with social anxiety. It was simple and had loads of great anecdotes to illustrate important points. The author narrated this audiobook. She was a great narrator, but I would have likely benefited from this book more had I read a physical copy and taken notes.

[Alice · Rating 3 out of 5]

I give this 3 stars because like *all* self help books the actual practical advice could be summarised on 2 pages and save a lot of time... I always hate the "patient" anecdotes used to pad things out and skimmed through all of them, and a lot of the other repetitive or common sense sections to get to the bits I found helpful. There is a lot of padding and this is not a long book!

Also note this book probably won't contain any new information unless you have never read any books or articles on Social Anxiety before (or CBT, which is the treatment this book utilises)

However.. it is extremely readable, accessible and easy to digest, and it has helped encouraged me to push through challenging my SA. There is good advice in here so I actually would recommend this - especially if you read and enjoyed Quiet by Susan Cain (which had a huge impact on how I viewed myself!)

I had made strides pre-2020 pandemic by myself with my anxiety but then the following 2 years of social isolation and getting a free pass from "other people" has meant all that work has reset and my SA is worse than ever... But I am determined to recover my confidence in 2022 and I have already used some of the advice I found on this book to some small successes.

[Kelly]

If you read and loved QUIET, you'll want to pick up this book. I don't have social anxiety -- at least that's what I told myself. And for the most part, I don't. But there are definitely situations where I am shy and wish I could be a bit more confident (small talk, parties, etc). Hendriksen's book is the perfect guide for all levels of social anxiety, offering insight and practical tips to better connect with fellow humans. It's funny and approachable, as well as realistic in the "how" of doing these things, without demeaning or belittling the reality of what social anxiety is.

Are you a perfectionist? You'll also want to read this to better understand your habits and how to make shifts in the way you interact with the world around you.

[K.V. Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can I give this 6 stars? I read Quiet by Susan Cain as well, and it was interesting to learn about the way introverts' brains work. This book, however, gives solutions to the problems social anxiety causes. The approach is friendly and funny. This is clearly coming from someone who knows exactly how we feel and what to say to inspire us and give us confidence. It's a toolbox of helpful material - little step-by-step (and realistic and specific) things we can do to make life easier and more enjoyable.

[Aline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nowadays there are so many books flooding the market with title variations that promise „[…] will change you life forever“ that it’s off putting, but this one is actually helpful!
The author is a psychologist and has social anxiety herself so she experienced it all and knows what she’s talking about.

The book has a lot of thought provoking explanations.
I took a lot of notes to have it ready in every day life if I need it.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Normally, I can’t make it through nonfiction books, even when they interest me. I find myself skimming and skipping through the pages. However, I read this entire book and loved it. I felt as though the author truly understood social anxiety and what goes through the minds of those who have it. I find myself thinking back to her tips and strategies on dealing with social anxiety, and I truly feel like it’s making a difference in my life. If you have SAD, even in the slightest, I recommend you read this book!

[Kara Verslues · Rating 3 out of 5]

this was book 4 out of 5 self help books i made my goal to read this year! saw this recommended on instagram and it was a easy read with some good viewpoints. got kinda lengthy and some things just didn’t apply to me, but overall a decent read!

[Łucja Maciążek · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bardzo dobra książka!

[Magnus Lidbom · Rating 2 out of 5]

The latter parts of the book are mostly quite good. I have no doubt that the author both mean well and that much of the advice can be helpful. But the book has a glaring, and deeply hurtful, flaw that I just cannot overlook or accept: Minimization, so severe that it borders on outright denial and unconscious gaslighting, of the reality of the traumatic childhood of countless children and its obvious link to social anxiety.

The percentages of children who are bullied and/or physically and/or emotionally abused by their caregivers is staggering. Put together the numbers match and exceed the number of people with social anxiety disorder. Hardly a coincidence. Studies show a strong correlation between social anxiety and childhood bullying and/or parental abuse.

Countless children are met time and time again over many years with various forms of emotional or physical abuse when they make the mistake of forgetting that they must be invisible to hopefully avoid attack. Social anxiety is a perfectly logical response to such long term trauma and insecurity. (Google "Complex PTSD" to read more on the effects of such childhoods or read the fantastic: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving)

Reading this book though, the picture the author paints is one where essentially harmless experiences trigger severe social anxiety. The implied message is consistent. Social anxiety is simply irrational. Your fears have no rational cause or basis. This is deeply, deeply hurtful to the countless sufferers, like me, who has perfectly rational reasons for their social anxiety.

Would you believe that I can only remember bullying being mentioned once in the whole book, and that was not a chapter, that was ONE SENTENCE. A single sentence which in no way implied that bullying was anything of importance in this context.

As for parental abuse and/or neglect. I cannot remember her mentioning it at all throughout the whole book. This, to me, is plain absurd.

[Erik Champenois · Rating 4 out of 5]

What Susain Cain did for introverts in "Quiet," Ellen Hendriksen has done for people with social anxiety. I would even say that introverts who have issues with anxiety would be much better helped by this book than by Cain's. Hendriksen described the social anxiety struggles I've experienced better than anything I've read (though admittedly I don't read a lot of self-help or psychology books), reassured me, gave me mental tools to work with, including helping me to realize how much anxiety overestimates the extent to which other people notice and judge you, and that anxiety can be converted to empathy and consideration for others. All backed up by personal and clinical stories and studies. If you have social anxiety, this book might not dramatically change your life but it will help you feel better understood, help you better understand yourself, and give you tools that if used consistently can help you calm your inner critic and gradually become more comfortable in social situations you're otherwise anxious about.

[Yasmin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was okay and had some useful information regarding anxiety, a lot of it however I found to be very basic and common sense. It also has an overwhelming number of case studies and examples that take up 80% of the book, meaning the actual advice and information is miniscule.

It focuses on mindfulness and becoming aware of destructive thought processes, it also focuses on how to challenge these. It discusses the usefulness of specifying our thoughts by asking questions like "what's the worse that can happen?" "who do I expect will judge me?" "how bad will that really be?" "how would I cope with this?" and then ignoring your inner critic and embracing self-love. Treat and talk to yourself as a supportive parent or friend would - not discouraging yourself from making changes, but supporting you in doing these without criticising.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book years ago. I used to have absolutely crippling social anxiety--not your run-of-the-mill shyness most people experience, but genuinely, truly disabling anxiety. Ellen Hendriksen gets social anxiety, and nails everything about conquering it that I had to learn the hard way. It's gratifying to see everything I learned written so concisely for other people.

Firstly, Hendriksen tackles the complicated intertwining of introversion and social anxiety head-on. In today's culture, introversion and social anxiety are often conflated. However, as Hendriksen astutely notes, introversion is not social anxiety. Introverts are more likely to be socially anxious, but extraverts can also be, too. Introverts recharge by being alone, but they don't necessarily feel anxious interacting with others, and they enjoy their time with others. Sort of like being at a bar with a lot of noise, you could be having a good time, but eventually your brain is just like "yup, we're done here, time to go home." You tap out, spent. That is introversion. Meanwhile, socially anxious people are not enjoying themselves in the moment. The entire process of socializing from beginning to end is exhausting and anxiety-provoking, and it's a relief to just go home and self-isolate. You're drained from socializing, but it's not because you're necessarily introverted: you're drained because you are on fight-or-flight mode 24/7.

A good litmus test, as she notes, is identifying why you don't want to engage in a social activity. Non-socially anxious introverts will reject an activity because it's just not their scene, whereas an anxious person will reject the activity because they're afraid they will say or do something stupid.

I loved that while Hendriksen applauds the growing acceptance of introversion as a legitimate personality type, she also calls out the twin trend of hiding behind introversion when the real problem is social anxiety. I've noticed this as well. If you find normal social interactions anxiety-provoking and simply chalk it up to being an introvert, you give yourself the excuse to avoid facing the fear and conquering it. It's not that you need to be a social butterfly who loves making small talk or going to parties, to be clear! However, avoiding normal activities makes your world much smaller and more stressful than it has to be.

I've found this very true for myself; I thought for the longest time I was extremely introverted. I found being around other people exhausting, and while very lonely, I also vastly preferred being alone. While I knew I was socially anxious, I also thought I didn't enjoy socializing because of introversion. However, as I got a better handle on anxiety, I came to realize I'm actually more on the extraverted side: I genuinely enjoy being around other people. I wasn't drained because I was an introvert, I was drained because anxiety is draining.

Secondly, Hendriksen notes that socially anxious people get caught in self-defeating behaviors and thought processes they're not even aware of. For as much self-monitoring as socially anxious people do, they're somewhat blind to themselves. For instance, many people with social anxiety ruminate on how they will screw things up before a social engagement, and they excessively rehearse and prepare for the worst. However, it doesn't actually make them better able to handle socializing at all. It actually just heightens their anxiety and primes them to fail and misinterpret neutral or positive signals as confirmation they are messing it up.

Moreover, socially anxious people engage in compensatory behavior that can send the completely wrong signals. For the socially anxious who fear others don't like them, a very tempting thing to do is to self-isolate and limit interactions with others--eat lunch alone, avoid joining conversations, and otherwise keep to yourself. It's not that the socially anxious person wants to be alone; they may really want others to reach out! However, others might think the socially anxious person doesn't want to interact with them! The socially anxious person then misreads that as others not liking them, compounding their anxiety. It's a vicious cycle based on misunderstandings.

I used to self-isolate as well because of anxiety. I remember having an "oh shit" moment one time when I was at a work function and saw a socially anxious coworker hang awkwardly around the periphery, too afraid to join any conversations. She didn't look approachable at all. I knew exactly what she was doing and why, because I'd behaved the same way before, and it really drove home how little we're aware of how socially anxious behavior comes across.

On the flip side, though, as Hendriksen notes, most people aren't actually thinking you seem nervous or awkward, and even if they do, they don't really ruminate on it. Socially anxious people are kind of like teenagers in a sense; they think everyone is thinking about them a loooooot more than other people actually are. I think a good reality check for social anxiety is asking yourself, "If someone else did XYZ, what would be my reaction / how would I interpret that?" If you wouldn't really think very much of it if someone else did the same thing, then other people are probably not judging you or thinking that hard about it.

Ultimately, I think the key for treating social anxiety isn't telling someone it's all in their head or other people like them; it's developing metacognition about your own behaviors and thoughts, and being able to distance yourself from them, and then repeatedly exposing yourself to anxiety-provoking situations. I love Hendriksen's suggestion of giving yourself a role in social situations to help combat social anxiety. Social anxiety comes about in part because you're struggling to deal with ambiguity, but if you provide structure to yourself, it's so much easier to navigate the situation. I personally hate introducing myself to new people and making conversation because it makes me anxious, for instance, but when I consider her suggestion to take on the role of making a new person feel comfortable and welcome, I'm actually sort of excited to talk to a new person? Then it's less about me and my performance, and more about helping someone else feel good. Perspective matters.

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Może książka sama w sobie nic w moim życiu nie zmieniła, ale po dłuższym czasie jej grzbiet z różowego zrobił się miętowy 👽

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Engagingly written. Full of tips.

[annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the anecdotes extremely tedious which almost caused me to dnf very early on; but i’m happy I didn’t, because the meat of the book really struck a chord.

[Nathalie ✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some interesting and surprising points, some not so surprising. Overall I would recommend if you have a bit of social anxiety. It won't fix the issue but it can provide some context and ways to make things better for yourself.

[Jacqueline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a good read, with many practical tips that are easy to follow and have a huge impact. Highly recommend!

[Sam · Rating 2 out of 5]

A discussion about social anxiety; what it is, what causes it and what you can do about it. Hendriksen posits that most people experience anxiety in social situations in some form; although it may be different for everyone. She explains the process of anxiety and how it is often narrated by our inner critic who operates on very little evidence to support its claims. This book is not heavy on the science and thus is accessible for anyone and is more of a discussion of the therapy Hendriksen has been delivering and her client’s experiences. She suggests that with awareness of the inner critic it is possible to either replace the judgemental thoughts, by drawing on actual evidence about the situation, or to embrace them and recognise their effect on your behaviour in social situations. Hendriksen suggests that anxiety can be overcome in a gradual way and advises creating a challenge list; as avoiding the situations that make you nervous will likely lead to the feelings becoming more frequent in other situations. Hendriksen makes a really good observation about how people are generally really confident in structured settings, where there is a point to the social interaction, but that when it is unstructured people begin to flounder and feel awkward. She points out that anxiety often stems from perfectionism and wanting to appear 100% smart, funny and interesting to others, whereas in reality a social interaction may only require 50% from you, so you shouldn’t try to put so much effort in and be disappointed in yourself when it’s not possible. Hendriksen concluded by stating that being anxious does not mean you have no social skills but that they are rusty and need practising and thus ends on a hopeful note that you can control those moments that make your mind go blank. All that said, listening to this book I was a bit bored and it could have been condensed and made more concise.

[Nidhi Sampat · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would highly recommend this book to anyone suffering from as Ellen puts it 'capital-S Social anxiety.' Every word in this book spoke volumes to me.

Social anxiety is complicated to understand but this book is easy to comprehend (promise). It gives you a sense of belief that you're not alone and there are millions out there just like you. It’s pretty much low key. Ah, the relief this validation gives me.

Loved it when the author chose to use ‘we’ instead of ‘you’ while explaining concepts.

I always suspected that I have social anxiety. After reading the book, it’s firmly rooted in my head that I have social anxiety. The good part is this book also gave me pragmatic solutions to overcome it. I was practising some of them already, for example, you’re bigger than your fear, no one thinks badly about your perceived flaws as you do etc. But even these solutions just got refined. And then I came across life altering solutions like how to get rid of your life preservers (not going to delve much into this, hope you’re curious enough to read about it in this book), how one can dare to be average etc. I couldn’t have read this book at a better time. Now I know how not to let my social anxiety stymie my growth so that I can reach my full potential in personal and professional life.

It’s a well researched book filled with myriad examples. I actually looked forward to the ‘boring’ scientific terminologies.

More than anything I was able to validate that social anxiety is indeed a package deal. It makes us empathetic, careful thinkers (to say the least), conscientious and considerate.

Give it a try, you won’t regret it.