Somewhere in the Middle: A journey to the Philippines in search of roots, belonging, and identity

by Deborah Francisco Douglas

Half Filipino but raised in an American household, Deborah Francisco Douglas had always longed to know more about her Filipino heritage. So when a thick government-issued envelope arrived at her door announcing her assignment to the Philippines as a Peace Corps Volunteer, she snatched the opportunity and set out on a journey of self-discovery, travel, and adventure. Arriving in the mountain town of Baguio City, Philippines, she was introduced to a life of obnoxious roosters, bucket baths, and kids shouting her name every time she walked down the street. Despite her attempts to get involved in the community, her desire for belonging and identity did not materialize as quickly as planned. Realizing that “Filipino time” means nothing ever happens in a hurry, Deborah braces for the journey ahead, hoping to find answers, and above all, to find herself. Filled with warmth and humor, Somewhere in the Middle captures the simple joy found in ordinary moments and in the people we share our lives with, shedding new light on what it truly means to find the place where you belong. Whether you’re hoping to unearth your own cultural roots, volunteer abroad, or find your next travel adventure, this memoir offers inspiration for all those yearning to discover who they are and where they belong in the world. Praise for Somewhere in the Middle "Douglas is an amiable narrator, and those searching for their own roots will take pleasure in this heartfelt memoir." ~ Publishers Weekly "[Somewhere in the Middle] is a youthful, refreshing take..." ~ Elizabeth Ann Quirino

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Travel, Biography Memoir, Aapi

254 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 11, 2019

About the author

Deborah Francisco Douglas is a writer, blogger, dreamer, and adventurer. She served three years in the Philippines as a Peace Corps volunteer (2011-2014) working on community development and youth outreach programs. As a Filipino American, Deborah’s volunteer experience abroad connected her to a culture she had long desired to understand. When she returned to the United States, Deborah created the blog Halo-Halo, Mix-Mix – Discovering the Filipino American Identity, as a way to share her love of Filipino culture.

Deborah lives in sunny San Diego and loves hiking, reading, walks on the bay, and lazy mornings drinking coffee. Somewhere in the Middle is her debut memoir.

Visit her blog at www.halohalomixmix.com to learn more about Filipino culture, travel, and lifestyle.

Reviews

[Truce · Rating 3 out of 5]

Admittedly I err on the side of generous with my star reviews, but I really had a lot of trouble connecting to this book.

The book is about the author's experience serving in the Peace Corps in the Philippines, the country her father came from. I appreciate and acknowledge that this was about an experience that is different from my own (I'm not biracial and I never had the opportunity to spend an extended period of time in the Philippines), but as a Filipino American, parts of the book bothered me that I think could've been worked out by a few beta readers.

Mostly, I got the feeling that she was annoyed constantly by the whole experience, by the people, the weather, the place she lived, the questions, the cultural norms, etc. And I really think it's because each chapter was basically a vignette of a thing that happened on her trip, that needed more weight and interrogation and perspective.

The thing is, I'm certain that if I could spend just a few years living in the Philippines (and thus, without the all the history and context of spending my whole life there), I'd probably be annoyed by all the same things, but what would that say about me? What would it say about the culture that was lost, or morphed when my parents moved to America? I think I was hoping for her to contextualize those experiences more.

[Nicole-Anne Keyton (Hint of Library) · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I am not defined by just a name. I am the only one who can define me, and I will continue doing so for the rest of my life..." -Deborah Francisco Douglas

When I first heard about this book, I was thrilled to finally see a documentation of my own identity crisis. I've always known of my mixed-race identity (also Filipino American like Deborah), but because I was born and raised in the U.S., I never felt like I fit in anywhere...Until I read this book! Here is another human being who has grown up with that same conflict of having to acknowledge her multicultural identity and define herself to others when she at times wasn't sure of that definition herself. Deborah's memoir has broadened my once very strict definition of my multicultural identity, an identity that adhered so strongly to a name I never felt comfortable ascribing to myself. Now, I realize that I'm not as alone as I think in this grey area, this place "somewhere in the middle" of two cultures, and that reading about others' experiences and listening to how others define themselves in this middle ground could help me understand my own place and expand that definition of identity so now I'm, at last, included in my own criteria. This book has helped me grow to accept my own identity by way of challenging what I'd always thought about identity alongside Deborah's journey.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a really nice view into daily life in the Philippines. Deborah is half-Filipino, half-American by birth and when she is assigned to work in the Philippines for a Peace Corps mission, she explores what that really means.

The beginning of the book was a good introduction to how different the Philippines is from America. The first many chapters had a slight negative tone to them and I was afraid that the book was just going to be the author complaining about the luxuries that she no longer had. I was also worried that the author was just going to be like "isn't it annoying how all this culture is so community focused and I can never be alone?!" Because those were the vibes the beginning gave me.

THANKFULLY, in the mid to last section of the book, the author starts to explore what being Filipino means and how that fits into her Filam identify. This really saved the book for me because the author showed great self-awareness and turned the tone to be more positive and reflective.

This had a lot of great stories and a lot of great relationships between Deborah and her community members. Not to mention the food descriptions were 🤩.

[Sarah Kliora]

2/21/19

Okay, so I need to read this book ASAP, because it literally sounds like me. Half-Filipino. Growing up American. My relatives are from Baguio City, Philippines. I am currently travelling abroad. If anyone wants to send me this book so I can read it...

[John Matney · Rating 5 out of 5]

A journey to self discovery

This memoir was a sweet telling of Philippine culture, the food, the scenery, the people and most of all the Filipino spirit. Filipinos smile a lot in good times and bad. Read this book and you'll find out why.

[Justin · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun and relatable read as someone who is also FilAm and visited the Philippines multiple times. It’s so personal of a memoir that I didn’t feel like there was a takeaway I could apply to my own “search” for identity but it didn’t take away from the ride of reading her journey of identity and self-discovery.

[Rita Ekberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it Ate Debs!!! Made me very nostalgic for Baguio City (and Mam Julianne’s sili).

[Annika · Rating 3 out of 5]

DNF’d:

I reaaaaally wanted to enjoy this! It’s not bad at all, but it more of a journal entry style that lacks a narrative. I didn’t feel like the voice was going to change and/or if the author was going to encounter a real conflict. I think it lacked introspection and more just reflected things she observed like a diary. It was more telling that showing, as in “I did this. This happened. We ate this,” etc etc. It was nice to reminisce on traveling to the Philippines, but didn’t keep me motivated to continue, especially since the author seemed to complain about a lot of different aspects, or at least use adjectives that could skew negative.

[Alix | The Bookish Alix · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED IT!

I’m a 1st generation Filipino-American so I related to this book in so many ways.

If you’re looking for a light-hearted, warm, funny and quick read this is it!

I’m totally recommending this to my Filipino friends and family.

[Nolan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't say that I've ever read a book so specific to my experiences as a mixed Filipino American. Even the smallest details transported me back to my dad's village in Antique, or my aunt's house in Manila. The mint-green plastic chairs, the ever-creeping insects, the majesty of the mountains, the echo feedback of videoke speakers, the complete lack of privacy and frequently invasive questions, the fresh and delicious FOOD.

I remember being a frumpy twelve-year-old climbing into a van with my Filipino relatives and driving off with a gaggle of school boys chasing after us, shouting, "American!" as if I were a celebrity. I remember being shocked by witnessing the abject poverty that I believed only existed in depressing documentaries. Sometimes I get a whiff of burning wood smoke and my stomach rumbles for a taste of my Lola's cooking.

It's not often that I meet other "mestizos." It's even rarer to find a mixed Filipino whose dad was the Filipino one -- a distinction that's not quite as irrelevant as it seems. In my case, I feel that's the reason for my alienation from Filipino culture. Although we took the occasional trip to my fatherland, my dad was primarily interested in assimilating to life in the United States. I never learned the language, and my knowledge of the culture is a hodgepodge of truth and confusing misinformation that was likely specific only to my dad and his family. (Like cheese -- do Filipinos like cheese or not? They put it in everything!) I've never felt like I had a right to my Filipino-ness, and going there only solidified the fact that I'm very much American.

Deborah Francisco Douglas captures that balancing act in a way that I couldn't help but find heartbreakingly relatable. Her experiences in teaching music to the children of Baguio are vibrant and inspiring, shared with a deep respect and admiration for her father's culture. But she doesn't sugar coat the more difficult experiences, immersing herself in the local way of life (something I never even did, staying at my Lola's house with window screens and water pressure, letting someone else do my laundry) but still acknowledging that her hardships were temporary, and that she always had the option to go back to the states. I, too, have mourned what little hope there was in improving life for my relatives and their community. But like Ate Debz, I have to remind myself, even while facing the hardships in my own community, that I can't change the world, but I can plant seeds. Like her friend Rafael said, "Even if it's a little, it still makes a difference."

[aj]

i chose to read this book for AAPI month because i could tell by the synopsis that it’d be something i would relate to. although i’m mixed, i grew up with strong a filipino culture presence in my household. i traveled to the philippines by myself at 18 years old and it was a precious experience that changed my life. i thought i’d be hit with culture shock, which was partly true, but ultimately the culture was very familiar and i easily felt like i was in my element.

in the beginning, i thought i was sorely mistaken for choosing this book. deborah emanates a certain annoyance and hatred for the filipino culture as she spends her first months in the philippines. her description of everything that annoyed her was something that i contrastingly experienced with so much love in my heart. she simply couldn’t relate, and i was offended. unlike deborah, i was raised with my filipino roots already planted in my household. she was not given that luxury (sadly, but it’s not her fault). as her journey continues on, she starts to go through an identity crisis, trying to understand where she belongs most. she emphasizes how being mixed-race led her to a feeling of either being “too” filipino or not being filipino “enough”. i think that’s something most mixed-race people can empathize with. at the end of deborah’s journey, i was glad to finally be able to connect with her in that learning how beautiful it is to embrace your heritage, and that ultimately, we define our own cultural identity. i’m proud of her for sticking to her journey, no matter how difficult it was or how foreign it felt.

[bella ⊹₊⟡⋆ · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's important to remember that everyone's experiences with their culture is different. I read this because I'm Filipino American, but not in the same sense the author is. It's a good snapshot into life in the Philippines, and the author's struggle with her identity is made clear.

The only thing I really have to critique about this book is just the writing style. The author is a blogger, so there are certain moments where the book reads more like a blog than other times, which isn't a bad thing, but this lacks a lot in nuance and a deeper, more complex exploration of identity. A lot of the memoir is the author telling us what/how things happened in a very straightforward manner, and while I understand that a memoir isn't written the same way a novel is, it was just so very direct. Some things were over explained, such as how the poverty she saw made her feel depressed (that would be a given, right?), but some of the explanations seem to be more for the non-Filipino readers. I also got the impression that the author was more annoyed than anything else with her experience, which she does have the right to be, but the annoyance seemed to overpower the joy she also felt.

I will say to take this review with a grain of salt, as I am not intending to demean one FilAm's experience just because my own is different. Props to the author for taking that big step into the Philippines and for exploring her identity! It's no easy feat.

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book I needed to read.
This book felt like it was written for me right now. I've been using #asianreadathon to not only encourage me to read more Asian authors but to focus on Filipino writing, history, and cultural identity. Being a Filipina-American, this book did just that.

I understood Deborah's perspective 100%. She is half Filipina, grew up in the States, and becomes an American expat in another country. This self-identifying journey I have only just begun has been ongoing and reflected for Deborah through this book.
This journey is full of wonder and awe of Filipino culture as well as frustration and anxiety over what that means for an American.

I highly recommend this book for anyone Filipino-American people who are interested in learning more about their culture as they grapple with their own identity journeys.

[Melody · Rating 1 out of 5]

100% would never recommend this book.

I hate giving negative ratings to memoirs, but this book was the worst I’ve ever read. The only reason I actually finished it is because I requested my library branch to purchase it, and I completely regret it.

The author is very repetitive - every chapter seemed like a carbon copy of the one before it. I thought this book would be more introspective, but it read more like an itinerary of things she did in and judged about the Philippines. Also, I was deeply hurt and shocked by how many times the author referred to aspects of Filipino culture being “strange” or “weird.” Just because something is different than what you’re used to doesn’t give you the right to label them this way.

[Jarrod Bunnell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book. It was a relaxing read that took you on a journey of the writers identity. I really connected with not because I have multiple cultures but because I am an international teacher who has lived in multiple countries with vastly different cultures. Many of the things in the book reminded me of my time in Venezuela and I was able to make lots of connections. Teaching at an international school I see many students who either are mixed races or have multiple cultures that shape them. Seeing the writer live through the discovery and in the end her acceptance of not having to in herself to one but to slow between the two was really neat.

[Jasmin Warner · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed learning about the Philippines and all the unique stories she shared during her experience. I am also mixed Filipino and American so I felt like I could really connect with her struggle in not feeling like she belonged to either culture.

The writing got to be a little bit repetitive and I felt like I was reading the author’s internal dialogue over and over again. I also did not like that the author tells you exactly how she felt after a specific story had occurred but most of the time you already understood how she was feeling because the feeling came across during the story.

[Emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's extremely fitting that this is my first book of 2022, after in 2021, I've had so many more thoughts and realizations about my own FilAm identity. This book made me think even deeper and realize that the process of understanding one's identity doesn't have to be linear and easy, and more often than not, it's difficult. But mostly, it's that that searching is a life long journey that can never be solved overnight and should be embraced.

[Stephen · Rating 2 out of 5]

4/10

Read like a juvenile travel blog rather than a transformation story of self discovery through service. Ate Deb undoubtedly had a profound experience learning about her Filipina roots and likely had lasting impacts on the children she taught. But the pages are clinical and devoid of passion. Her acquaintances are colorful in their encounters, but her description of herself and her journey is bland

[Juanita · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the nostalgic reminders of my youth in the Philippines!

I've lived in five countries, surfing a sense of my own identity within and between different cultures.
These were nice vignettes, but I was looking for deeper dives into identity integration. The book did remind me of Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, which I believe is more informative in integrating international experiences of young people in the process of forming personal identity.

[B.B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this earnest, easy-going memoir. The author spent three years in the Philippines working for the Peace Corps and looking for her roots. I have visited the Philippines a couple of times, and her vivid description of the people there, and day to day life among them, rings true and brings back memories.

[Vanessa Nicolle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is such a sincere love letter to all young fil-am women, and I felt as if I got to live vicariously through Deb and her stories. Peace corps in PI was a back up plan that never happened in my life, and I was so stoked to stumble on this book! Great dialogue on the conflict of identity for Americans, and sons and daughters of immigrants. Loved it!

[Maria Dolorico · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️s if I could give 1/2s.
I appreciated her culture shock, and she spoke about some things with the Philippines that were unfamiliar to me.
I feel bad for her that she grew up so isolated from her dad’s culture, and I appreciate how Filipino I have always felt.
Her writing is a bit repetitive and not really lyrical, but I did like reading her experience.

[Mia♫ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved learning about the PI through her eyes
Great representation of the mixed experience
Being multi-ethnic and multi-faceted person; complexity of two cultures and trying to unify them
Reality of life in the PI
Loved how she represented her journey to claiming her ethnic identity
Felt like I was really seeing the PI

[Joannah Dupiano · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gave me solace during this new era of my life in the Philippines. I really resonated with her struggles in fitting in, feeling lonely and craving familiarity, and the culture shock of every day life here.

Im not sure if I would have liked this book as much if I wasnt currently in the Philippines, in Baguio, going through similar experiences as her.

[Raymond Goyena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a relatable book for many Filipino Americans but also just for Filipinos who was dealt with the diaspora. Finding your roots can be hard and uncomfortable but also a necessary journey for us. “Ate Debs” ( Sister Deb ) explains this journey in such a way that made me feel as I was living alongside her. A GREAT READ!

[Alice C · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little repetitive at times, but otherwise beautiful, heartfelt stories from her time volunteering for the Peace Corps. I enjoyed the sense of belonging that came from identifying with her experiences as being half-filipino and half-american - the "somewhere in the middle".

[Reian'sReads · Rating 4 out of 5]

**4.5 STARS rounded down**

REVIEW COMING!!

[Shez · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.25

[Misi · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5...?

[syd · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed this book. I needed its messages. Its reminders. It's poignant story that took me back to when I lived in the Philippines. What a joy this was too read.