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Oh Crap! #2
Oh Crap! I have a Toddler: Tackling These Crazy Awesome Years--No Time Outs Needed: The Oh Crap Parenting Series
Real-world, from-the-trenches parenting advice from the author of the bestselling Oh Crap! Potty Training.
Toddlers-commonly defined as children aged between two and five years old-can be a horribly misunderstood bunch. What most parents view as bad behavior is in fact just curious behavior. Toddlerdom is the age of individuation, seeking control, and above all, learning how the world works. But this misunderstanding between parents and child can lead to power struggles, tantrums, and even diminished growth and creativity.
The recent push of early intellectualism coupled with a desire to make childhood magical has created a strange paradox-we have three-year-olds with math and Mandarin tutors who don't know how to dress themselves and are sitting in their own poop. We are pushing the toddler mind beyond its limit but simultaneously keeping them far below their own natural capabilities.
In the frank, funny, and totally authentic Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler, social worker Jamie Glowacki helps parents work through what she considers the five essential components of raising toddlers:
Engaging the toddler mind, Working with the toddler body, Understanding and dealing with the toddler behavior, Creating a good toddler environment, andYou, the parentOh Crap! I Have a Toddler is about doing more with less-and bringing real childhood back from the brink of over-scheduled, over-stimulated, helicopter parenting. With her signature down-and-dirty, friend-to-friend advice, Jamie is here to help you experience the joy of parenting again and giving your child-and yourself-the freedom to let them grow at their own pace and become who they are.
Toddlers-commonly defined as children aged between two and five years old-can be a horribly misunderstood bunch. What most parents view as bad behavior is in fact just curious behavior. Toddlerdom is the age of individuation, seeking control, and above all, learning how the world works. But this misunderstanding between parents and child can lead to power struggles, tantrums, and even diminished growth and creativity.
The recent push of early intellectualism coupled with a desire to make childhood magical has created a strange paradox-we have three-year-olds with math and Mandarin tutors who don't know how to dress themselves and are sitting in their own poop. We are pushing the toddler mind beyond its limit but simultaneously keeping them far below their own natural capabilities.
In the frank, funny, and totally authentic Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler, social worker Jamie Glowacki helps parents work through what she considers the five essential components of raising toddlers:
Engaging the toddler mind, Working with the toddler body, Understanding and dealing with the toddler behavior, Creating a good toddler environment, andYou, the parentOh Crap! I Have a Toddler is about doing more with less-and bringing real childhood back from the brink of over-scheduled, over-stimulated, helicopter parenting. With her signature down-and-dirty, friend-to-friend advice, Jamie is here to help you experience the joy of parenting again and giving your child-and yourself-the freedom to let them grow at their own pace and become who they are.
1 pages, Audio CD
Published June 4, 2019
521 people are currently reading
2611 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 196 reviews
June 11, 2019
4.5 stars. AMAZING read. I already know it will seriously change the way I approach our 2-year-old from here on out. Highly recommend to any parent with a toddler.
The first half of the book is about parenting techniques and the second half of the book is about children’s bad behaviors and how to combat them. She says most of the time, bad behavior stems from not enough sleep or not enough free play and you should address these issues before anything else.
My biggest take away was that the author mentions we are in the “be careful” and “be kind” generation of parenting which can limit our children later in life. This style of parenting doesn’t allow our kids to take risks or learn how to resolve conflict on their own. She says parents are so quick to jump in and resolve problems FOR their kids. I will definitely be working on this.
I also retained a lot of information from the discipline chapter - how time outs are usually ineffective as the child often doesn’t know what they are in time out for. The example she uses is jumping on the bed. Kid jumps on bed, you tell them to stop and they don’t listen. You put them in time out. In this scenario they haven’t actually learned the consequence of jumping on the bed - falling and getting hurt - so the timeout is likely to be ineffective even if you say “I put you in time out bc you were jumping on the bed, and I told you no because you could get hurt.” They are confused because they DIDN’T get hurt.
Another huge takeaway was that parents often times have weak boundaries. She talks about boundaries a TON throughout the book, but in the section on boundaries specifically she says toddlers pushing boundaries is what they are supposed to do. We have to stand firm in those boundaries no matter how long it takes and they will learn they are there and feel safe.
She clarifies, if you know you are going to give in on a boundary do it RIGHT AWAY. She gave a great grocery shopping example. You have a normal boundary of not getting anything in the checkout line, but today the line is extra long, it is important that you get these groceries because it is the only time this week you can go. It is super close to lunch time and you know your kid is going to ask and if you say no, their hangry self is going to freak and you’ll have to leave the store without your groceries and you really don’t wanna do that. She said in that situation when they ask you would say something like “Normally, we don’t get food in the checkout line, but today is an exception, so yes.” And then in future scenarios when you know you’ll say no, right when you get in line you say something like “We will not be getting anything at the checkout line today so please don’t ask.”
We haven’t really had any reckless behavior with our toddler yet, but I decided to get the book because I was considering implementing time outs soon and the subtitle intrigued me. I found the scenarios in the book super practical and easy to understand and implement. I feel it was definitely worth the Audible purchase!
I also want to record my notes from the discipline chapter - she gave 10 alternatives to timeouts and I'm pretty sure I will be using ALL of these techniques in the future:
1)Take yourself out of the mix (leave the room, walk away) and say what you are doing is making mommy upset, so I am going to take a break before I talk with you. I’ll be right back. Models anger management.
2) Whisper - this usually gets them to stop and listen so they are able to hear you. You could whisper something like “you are pushing your friend and it is hurting them - do you need a break?”
3) Get down on their level so you are eye to eye - super effective to take away your height in an emotionally charged situation
4) Take a time-in or take a break - take the child out of the mix. This is effective at a party or event. Don’t say it’s a punishment or treat it like one. Walk with your child to another room to get away from the stimulant and de-escalate. Give specifics on their behavior - “looks like you’re having a hard time controlling your body and need a break. Would you like to go by yourself or for me to come with you?” “I see you are very frustrated. Would you like help or a break?”
5) Physically deregulate their little systems - tight bear hugs, weighted blankets
6) Process the emotions. Once they start to deescalate address the feelings. Behavior is the symptom- feeling is the disease. Simplify your words. “When I’m frustrated, I like to go outside and yell it out.” “Sometimes when I am frustrated I want to hit too, but that would hurt the other person so I take a time out instead.” “I like to go throw pillows in my room when I’m upset. Would you like to try that?” Help them figure out their feelings and then move on.
7) Leave (the party, a friends house, play date, event). A natural consequence they will learn. Obviously you would do some of the other steps first before getting to this stage, but if all else fails and the situation is very escalated this is an effective consequence they will learn if they are displaying bad behavior.
8.) Follow through. Do what you say you’re going to do. Continuing to state consequences without following through only teaches your child one thing. You don’t mean what you say. This will completely undermine you in the future. Hold the power wand. Give your child one chance, not 14. Then absolutely do what you say you’re going to do. Continue this and be consistent.This will do more for your parenting than anything else.
9) Use external consequences. When natural consequences aren’t enough. If you absolutely can’t leave wherever you are for whatever reason (rare). This does not make you mean. Don’t make empty threats!! Don’t bribe! Don’t take away something that will happen tomorrow - they won’t be able to grasp that. Whatever you do, implement swiftly and immediately, but give warning. Take away toys, shut off electronics etc.
10) Use your mom/dad voice. Don’t ask questions. Tell them what you want. Don’t use baby talk/sing song voice. Be firm.
The first half of the book is about parenting techniques and the second half of the book is about children’s bad behaviors and how to combat them. She says most of the time, bad behavior stems from not enough sleep or not enough free play and you should address these issues before anything else.
My biggest take away was that the author mentions we are in the “be careful” and “be kind” generation of parenting which can limit our children later in life. This style of parenting doesn’t allow our kids to take risks or learn how to resolve conflict on their own. She says parents are so quick to jump in and resolve problems FOR their kids. I will definitely be working on this.
I also retained a lot of information from the discipline chapter - how time outs are usually ineffective as the child often doesn’t know what they are in time out for. The example she uses is jumping on the bed. Kid jumps on bed, you tell them to stop and they don’t listen. You put them in time out. In this scenario they haven’t actually learned the consequence of jumping on the bed - falling and getting hurt - so the timeout is likely to be ineffective even if you say “I put you in time out bc you were jumping on the bed, and I told you no because you could get hurt.” They are confused because they DIDN’T get hurt.
Another huge takeaway was that parents often times have weak boundaries. She talks about boundaries a TON throughout the book, but in the section on boundaries specifically she says toddlers pushing boundaries is what they are supposed to do. We have to stand firm in those boundaries no matter how long it takes and they will learn they are there and feel safe.
She clarifies, if you know you are going to give in on a boundary do it RIGHT AWAY. She gave a great grocery shopping example. You have a normal boundary of not getting anything in the checkout line, but today the line is extra long, it is important that you get these groceries because it is the only time this week you can go. It is super close to lunch time and you know your kid is going to ask and if you say no, their hangry self is going to freak and you’ll have to leave the store without your groceries and you really don’t wanna do that. She said in that situation when they ask you would say something like “Normally, we don’t get food in the checkout line, but today is an exception, so yes.” And then in future scenarios when you know you’ll say no, right when you get in line you say something like “We will not be getting anything at the checkout line today so please don’t ask.”
We haven’t really had any reckless behavior with our toddler yet, but I decided to get the book because I was considering implementing time outs soon and the subtitle intrigued me. I found the scenarios in the book super practical and easy to understand and implement. I feel it was definitely worth the Audible purchase!
I also want to record my notes from the discipline chapter - she gave 10 alternatives to timeouts and I'm pretty sure I will be using ALL of these techniques in the future:
1)Take yourself out of the mix (leave the room, walk away) and say what you are doing is making mommy upset, so I am going to take a break before I talk with you. I’ll be right back. Models anger management.
2) Whisper - this usually gets them to stop and listen so they are able to hear you. You could whisper something like “you are pushing your friend and it is hurting them - do you need a break?”
3) Get down on their level so you are eye to eye - super effective to take away your height in an emotionally charged situation
4) Take a time-in or take a break - take the child out of the mix. This is effective at a party or event. Don’t say it’s a punishment or treat it like one. Walk with your child to another room to get away from the stimulant and de-escalate. Give specifics on their behavior - “looks like you’re having a hard time controlling your body and need a break. Would you like to go by yourself or for me to come with you?” “I see you are very frustrated. Would you like help or a break?”
5) Physically deregulate their little systems - tight bear hugs, weighted blankets
6) Process the emotions. Once they start to deescalate address the feelings. Behavior is the symptom- feeling is the disease. Simplify your words. “When I’m frustrated, I like to go outside and yell it out.” “Sometimes when I am frustrated I want to hit too, but that would hurt the other person so I take a time out instead.” “I like to go throw pillows in my room when I’m upset. Would you like to try that?” Help them figure out their feelings and then move on.
7) Leave (the party, a friends house, play date, event). A natural consequence they will learn. Obviously you would do some of the other steps first before getting to this stage, but if all else fails and the situation is very escalated this is an effective consequence they will learn if they are displaying bad behavior.
8.) Follow through. Do what you say you’re going to do. Continuing to state consequences without following through only teaches your child one thing. You don’t mean what you say. This will completely undermine you in the future. Hold the power wand. Give your child one chance, not 14. Then absolutely do what you say you’re going to do. Continue this and be consistent.This will do more for your parenting than anything else.
9) Use external consequences. When natural consequences aren’t enough. If you absolutely can’t leave wherever you are for whatever reason (rare). This does not make you mean. Don’t make empty threats!! Don’t bribe! Don’t take away something that will happen tomorrow - they won’t be able to grasp that. Whatever you do, implement swiftly and immediately, but give warning. Take away toys, shut off electronics etc.
10) Use your mom/dad voice. Don’t ask questions. Tell them what you want. Don’t use baby talk/sing song voice. Be firm.
August 11, 2019
**5/5**
Best parenting book I've read to date. Practical and very eye-opening. Some of the tips have already worked with my toddler.
Best parenting book I've read to date. Practical and very eye-opening. Some of the tips have already worked with my toddler.
August 2, 2021
There are a lot of parenting books out there but the title of this one felt resonant with the way we have jumped right in. The author is known for her potty training know-how, and she learned that many parents don't understand where toddlers are at developmentally, and as a result, what they need most.
She has good discussion on boundaries and how much toddlers need to push them to grow (but still need to hit an edge.) I liked what she had to say about presence, engaging a child in creativity and critical thinking in age-appropriate ways, and maintaining your own identity and sanity in ways that actually make you more engaged with the child.
She has good discussion on boundaries and how much toddlers need to push them to grow (but still need to hit an edge.) I liked what she had to say about presence, engaging a child in creativity and critical thinking in age-appropriate ways, and maintaining your own identity and sanity in ways that actually make you more engaged with the child.
May 5, 2019
An empathetic and informative book for all parents as they enter the toddler years. The book is divided into two parts, parental and toddler, because she believes that all relationships, including parent/child, are a 50/50 split. Glowacki pulls no punches when addressing ways in which parents may have brought about undesirable behavior in their children, but she also writes with empathy and an understanding that no one can get it right all the time. As a parent of a young toddler I found so many nuggets in this book that encouraged and challenged my own relationship with my child. I will be handing this to anyone who wants to improve their parenting no matter their successes or failures.
July 21, 2020
- 0-6 is governing, 6-12 is gardening and 12-18 is guiding. Toddler brains aren’t ready to be guided, they are not ready for endless choices and good decision making. They have low impulse control, low empathy and zero long term judgment.
- Set them up for success. If they are grumpy because they are tired/hungry. Do everything in your power to set them up for success... don’t let them get there!
- Create firm daily boundaries. It’s hard because you are exhausted but they lay a foundation. What can seem like “eh this is just a difficult stage” can blow up into dangerous behaviour later on. (No, you do not do that - must govern, not guide at this age). You’re not being mean. Consistency is key.
- Self care is important to filling your cup. You must have some activity that does not involve kids or talking about them. Don’t just watch 5 hours of tv with your spouse every night. Have time to connect and get an appropriate amount of sleep (makes you a better parent).
- Pareto principle created more time. 1) 80/20 rule: 20% of your time is giving you 80% of your results. So figure out your time drains. 2) You can’t make time if you don’t know what you are making it for - be specific, make a list. 3) recognize your big stones - what is meaningful to you to be done. What are life stones? Week stones? Daily stones? 4) figure out the time drain? Social media but what else. Do not judge anything, pay attention to it all. 5) fake productivity (I.e. emails, texting, staying up late watching tv instead of going to sleep at a normal time). 6) make a plan
- Parent the child you have not the child you want
- If your kid eats sand or hits, doesn’t share... so you feel a rush of shame? Disconnect from that shame. Kids do stupid things that doesn’t mean we have failed.
- Certain behaviour is not “bad” it’s bored. They aren’t being challenged with things around them so they find things themselves.
- Important to distinguish “you’re so bad” from you’re behaviour is very bad right now”
- Learning at this age should be play. By third grade everything usually levels out anyway
- Children are far more capable than we allow them to be. Kids don’t need to do “work” learning letters and numbers - spend hours learning to put on winter gear (with patience of saints).
- Giving responsibility is what builds self esteem, not saying “good job buddy” a thousand times
- They should learn to get dressed, choose clothing, help with meals (setting and clearing table, laying out napkins), pouring a drink and light chores (clean toilet, vacuuming, making bed, folding laundry).
- Kid knives and peelers. They can do it. (If cut, learning experience) we are hands on learners, making mistakes is vital to learning.
- Good activities: LEGO, Fort building, tape and scissors, memory and matching games, checkers, card games, board games (taking turns, spinning a wheel, rolling a dice al good executive functioning skills), physical play (add a movement - so you hop, the next person hood and leapfrogs then you hop, leapfrog and twirl), songs, digital games (many parents allow screen time in the form of zoning out tv when you could be playing creation games! Like mine craft... no winning or losing just building. Or digital chess/checkers
- Don’t overtalk. Kids will start tuning you out so they can hear themselves. They need to experience without it being narrated
- Talk with you child, not at her
- Limit the “be carefuls” - it’s limiting the stimuli in their bodies that tell them spatial awareness
- Good activities include tag, balance bikes, crab walk, wheelbarrow, leapfrog, climbing, the floor is lava, rolling down hills, barrel rolls
- Let them make mistakes and get hurt or they will want to stay in a bubble their whole life
- Instead of saying be careful, say: notice how... these rocks are slippery, the log is rotten; do you see.... try moving your feet slowly, can you hear, do you feel...
- If your child leaves their room at night, lead them back in with little to no engagement.
- Make yoga part of night time routine, it’s relaxing and quiets their minds
- Don’t tell them they aren’t hungry/sleepy. They know their body. Instead say, Yes, I hear that you are hungry and we have one hour until snack time. Would you like to play blocks with me while you are waiting for snack time?” (Not using language: yes, and. Not yes, but.
- Use “just in case” for clothing they don’t want to wear. If they are fussing about not wearing a jacket then say we will bring one just in case you get cold. Let them go in the cold and they will learn. Don’t give children your words, give them the experiences
- If they say they are not tired say “yes I know you’re not tired AND it’s time to get ready for bed.
- Tantrums (I.e. toast cut wrong) don’t rush in and try to fix. You are setting the child up for you to fix everything and unconsciously saying, don’t feel that. Instead say “I can see this has made you very angry. Why don’t you take a minute to settle and the. We’lol figure out what to do”. Don’t use “calm down”
- Time outs don’t work for toddlers. They don’t realize what they did is why they are being punished and it can damage your relationship with them. There’s no way in hell they are thinking “mommy is right, how can I do better next time”
- Ways to combat behaviour without time outs: 1) leave. “I’m angry and I need a break, I will be right back” not “you made me feel” and I’ll be back to tell them you aren’t abandoning them. 2) whisper - our inclination is to raise our voices and yell but there’s power in doing the opposite. The child has to stop to hear you which disrupts their escalation. Whispering is also less threatening and unlike yelling doesn’t cause them shame and humiliation. Just a soft whisper “you are getting very silly, do you need a break with me?” “Pleas don’t push your friend”. 3) get down on their level. 4) frustrated? Crying? Angry? Take a break. “It looks like you’re having a hard time controlling your body. You need a break. Do you want me to come with you or do you want to be by yourself”. 5) leave. If need be. It sucks sometimes, but if they are so upset just leave. 6) follow through!! Don’t throw food or we have to leave (then they do it and you never leave). Three chances is to many, only give them one.
- Instead of saying one more minute of play, end their activity. I.e. lets build one more tower, feed baby one more time
- Set them up for success. If they are grumpy because they are tired/hungry. Do everything in your power to set them up for success... don’t let them get there!
- Create firm daily boundaries. It’s hard because you are exhausted but they lay a foundation. What can seem like “eh this is just a difficult stage” can blow up into dangerous behaviour later on. (No, you do not do that - must govern, not guide at this age). You’re not being mean. Consistency is key.
- Self care is important to filling your cup. You must have some activity that does not involve kids or talking about them. Don’t just watch 5 hours of tv with your spouse every night. Have time to connect and get an appropriate amount of sleep (makes you a better parent).
- Pareto principle created more time. 1) 80/20 rule: 20% of your time is giving you 80% of your results. So figure out your time drains. 2) You can’t make time if you don’t know what you are making it for - be specific, make a list. 3) recognize your big stones - what is meaningful to you to be done. What are life stones? Week stones? Daily stones? 4) figure out the time drain? Social media but what else. Do not judge anything, pay attention to it all. 5) fake productivity (I.e. emails, texting, staying up late watching tv instead of going to sleep at a normal time). 6) make a plan
- Parent the child you have not the child you want
- If your kid eats sand or hits, doesn’t share... so you feel a rush of shame? Disconnect from that shame. Kids do stupid things that doesn’t mean we have failed.
- Certain behaviour is not “bad” it’s bored. They aren’t being challenged with things around them so they find things themselves.
- Important to distinguish “you’re so bad” from you’re behaviour is very bad right now”
- Learning at this age should be play. By third grade everything usually levels out anyway
- Children are far more capable than we allow them to be. Kids don’t need to do “work” learning letters and numbers - spend hours learning to put on winter gear (with patience of saints).
- Giving responsibility is what builds self esteem, not saying “good job buddy” a thousand times
- They should learn to get dressed, choose clothing, help with meals (setting and clearing table, laying out napkins), pouring a drink and light chores (clean toilet, vacuuming, making bed, folding laundry).
- Kid knives and peelers. They can do it. (If cut, learning experience) we are hands on learners, making mistakes is vital to learning.
- Good activities: LEGO, Fort building, tape and scissors, memory and matching games, checkers, card games, board games (taking turns, spinning a wheel, rolling a dice al good executive functioning skills), physical play (add a movement - so you hop, the next person hood and leapfrogs then you hop, leapfrog and twirl), songs, digital games (many parents allow screen time in the form of zoning out tv when you could be playing creation games! Like mine craft... no winning or losing just building. Or digital chess/checkers
- Don’t overtalk. Kids will start tuning you out so they can hear themselves. They need to experience without it being narrated
- Talk with you child, not at her
- Limit the “be carefuls” - it’s limiting the stimuli in their bodies that tell them spatial awareness
- Good activities include tag, balance bikes, crab walk, wheelbarrow, leapfrog, climbing, the floor is lava, rolling down hills, barrel rolls
- Let them make mistakes and get hurt or they will want to stay in a bubble their whole life
- Instead of saying be careful, say: notice how... these rocks are slippery, the log is rotten; do you see.... try moving your feet slowly, can you hear, do you feel...
- If your child leaves their room at night, lead them back in with little to no engagement.
- Make yoga part of night time routine, it’s relaxing and quiets their minds
- Don’t tell them they aren’t hungry/sleepy. They know their body. Instead say, Yes, I hear that you are hungry and we have one hour until snack time. Would you like to play blocks with me while you are waiting for snack time?” (Not using language: yes, and. Not yes, but.
- Use “just in case” for clothing they don’t want to wear. If they are fussing about not wearing a jacket then say we will bring one just in case you get cold. Let them go in the cold and they will learn. Don’t give children your words, give them the experiences
- If they say they are not tired say “yes I know you’re not tired AND it’s time to get ready for bed.
- Tantrums (I.e. toast cut wrong) don’t rush in and try to fix. You are setting the child up for you to fix everything and unconsciously saying, don’t feel that. Instead say “I can see this has made you very angry. Why don’t you take a minute to settle and the. We’lol figure out what to do”. Don’t use “calm down”
- Time outs don’t work for toddlers. They don’t realize what they did is why they are being punished and it can damage your relationship with them. There’s no way in hell they are thinking “mommy is right, how can I do better next time”
- Ways to combat behaviour without time outs: 1) leave. “I’m angry and I need a break, I will be right back” not “you made me feel” and I’ll be back to tell them you aren’t abandoning them. 2) whisper - our inclination is to raise our voices and yell but there’s power in doing the opposite. The child has to stop to hear you which disrupts their escalation. Whispering is also less threatening and unlike yelling doesn’t cause them shame and humiliation. Just a soft whisper “you are getting very silly, do you need a break with me?” “Pleas don’t push your friend”. 3) get down on their level. 4) frustrated? Crying? Angry? Take a break. “It looks like you’re having a hard time controlling your body. You need a break. Do you want me to come with you or do you want to be by yourself”. 5) leave. If need be. It sucks sometimes, but if they are so upset just leave. 6) follow through!! Don’t throw food or we have to leave (then they do it and you never leave). Three chances is to many, only give them one.
- Instead of saying one more minute of play, end their activity. I.e. lets build one more tower, feed baby one more time
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 25, 2024
Repetitive. That said, there were a few insights here that have actually changed how I approach my 23mo kid.
- Being mindful of how hard transitions are.
- Slooooowing down and simplifying directives.
- Let go of "educational activities." At this age, learning to manipulate doorknobs or go down the slide involves just as much skill building as learning to recognize letters or correctly labeling colors.
- If you're going to give in to toddler nagging/tantrums anyway (see: candy in checkout line), go ahead and give in immediately. Don't give in after nagging.
- Decide what limits are firm and which are "guidelines." Every family is different. Be explicit with your co-parent.
- Toddler brains aren’t ready for "guidance," they need the clarity of boundaries. Endless choices and inconsistent outcomes feel "unsafe."
- "Be careful" & timeouts & the concept of "5 more minutes" are concepts that mean nothing to toddlers. Reframe and be more explicit.
- Being mindful of how hard transitions are.
- Slooooowing down and simplifying directives.
- Let go of "educational activities." At this age, learning to manipulate doorknobs or go down the slide involves just as much skill building as learning to recognize letters or correctly labeling colors.
- If you're going to give in to toddler nagging/tantrums anyway (see: candy in checkout line), go ahead and give in immediately. Don't give in after nagging.
- Decide what limits are firm and which are "guidelines." Every family is different. Be explicit with your co-parent.
- Toddler brains aren’t ready for "guidance," they need the clarity of boundaries. Endless choices and inconsistent outcomes feel "unsafe."
- "Be careful" & timeouts & the concept of "5 more minutes" are concepts that mean nothing to toddlers. Reframe and be more explicit.
April 7, 2021
To know when to control your child and when to let go.....let it go......
A fun engaging parenting book encouraging parents to not force academics on their child too early but to encourage creativity and individualism in your toddler as well as social skills.
So many parents are focused on teaching their children early and not getting them out of nappies. So you end up with a kid with a math tutor that is sitting in their own poop!!!
A fun engaging parenting book encouraging parents to not force academics on their child too early but to encourage creativity and individualism in your toddler as well as social skills.
So many parents are focused on teaching their children early and not getting them out of nappies. So you end up with a kid with a math tutor that is sitting in their own poop!!!
November 19, 2024
Review from Fable app:
I can honestly say this was a game changer for me as a parent. I started listening to it during a legit menty b as my kid was approaching 2.5yrs, and the author saved my ass. Extremely conversational (lots of cussing though in case that's a pet peeve for you) and gave VERY practical tips on parenting a toddler. I am really grateful for this author ❤️
I can honestly say this was a game changer for me as a parent. I started listening to it during a legit menty b as my kid was approaching 2.5yrs, and the author saved my ass. Extremely conversational (lots of cussing though in case that's a pet peeve for you) and gave VERY practical tips on parenting a toddler. I am really grateful for this author ❤️
April 16, 2025
I took so much away from this book. Quick and enjoyable read with so many actionable tips. Highly recommend!!
September 3, 2021
Enjoyable to read and helpful to this grandmother whose lovely 3 year old grandchild is moving closer.
January 11, 2020
There were some good tidbits but a lot of the advice was pretty unhelpful if you are a single parent or if both parents work outside of the house hold. So a lot of the advice comes from a place of extreme privilege in my opinion.
June 30, 2020
Had some good tips, but a lot of it felt like a mom telling me what she thinks is best, not an expert.
March 22, 2022
Probably closer to 4.5 stars—excellent and extremely actionable book filled with great insights and and lots of levity.
June 3, 2024
My 3 star review is due to feeling a few chapters being immensely helpful personally, despite a good half of the book potentially damaging for parents struggling with mental health.
1. Firstly, something completely unrelated to kids. This book has a chapter on time management via an exercise that took less than an hour and was immediately rewarding. I did in fact find time to get to do more I wanted to do, without punting or feeling bad about anything. My husband also found it useful, particularly for uncovering what your time traps are.
2. For the rest of it, I appreciated the frontload of discussion of boundaries and connection. It’s something I’m working on personally and was nice to have ideas for these specifically for toddlers. I liked her description of toddlers pushing boundaries in order to know they’re true: that you’ll hold them and that it makes them feel safe. As opposed to spending time and energy trying to find where ever-shifting boundaries are.
3. I did not appreciate much of the back half. First, it seemed like any proofreader quit halfway and there was a basic glaring typo every little chapter. Combined with her crass-style language, it felt more like a hammered-out post rather than a thoughtfully-written book by a seasoned pro. Much more problematic for me were her judgments (in shouty-crass form or in glaring omission). It’s one thing to call generic people crazy, and another to detail a specific encounter and judge that parenting crazy. I don’t think she allowed enough latitude for kids’ differing rates of development in her judgment of other parents. Maybe some parents shout “careful” to their kids because the kid just twisted their ankle the other day. Maybe some parents talk about pi to their preschooler who drew a circle because their parent is just so thrilled to share with them things they love. Maybe some parents dictate their day to their kid because they are stressed or nervous or trying to focus. Yes, maybe these aren’t 100% optimal responses from parents 100% of the time, but I felt her harsh judgments hurtful. She repeats many times she is talking about neurotypical children only. What about neurodivergent parents? What about parents struggling with many an x, y, z?
This writer contradicts herself and often expects the parent to do what’s best for the kid, period. Like demanding parents give their kids routine when their kids need it even if the parent literally is struggling to be able to do that. She just says “you can’t parent the kid you want, you have to parent the kid you have.” Which sounds reasonable, yes, recognize the kid you have. But not everyone has an infinite ability well to provide any possible thing. She does not do enough to lend even an asterisk for parents who may have had or are having a hard time, beyond “and for single parents it’s harder.” I appreciated tips from several chapters of this book, but was glad to be confident in myself and hard work I’ve put in to not be shaken by her hasty judgments and declarations.
1. Firstly, something completely unrelated to kids. This book has a chapter on time management via an exercise that took less than an hour and was immediately rewarding. I did in fact find time to get to do more I wanted to do, without punting or feeling bad about anything. My husband also found it useful, particularly for uncovering what your time traps are.
2. For the rest of it, I appreciated the frontload of discussion of boundaries and connection. It’s something I’m working on personally and was nice to have ideas for these specifically for toddlers. I liked her description of toddlers pushing boundaries in order to know they’re true: that you’ll hold them and that it makes them feel safe. As opposed to spending time and energy trying to find where ever-shifting boundaries are.
3. I did not appreciate much of the back half. First, it seemed like any proofreader quit halfway and there was a basic glaring typo every little chapter. Combined with her crass-style language, it felt more like a hammered-out post rather than a thoughtfully-written book by a seasoned pro. Much more problematic for me were her judgments (in shouty-crass form or in glaring omission). It’s one thing to call generic people crazy, and another to detail a specific encounter and judge that parenting crazy. I don’t think she allowed enough latitude for kids’ differing rates of development in her judgment of other parents. Maybe some parents shout “careful” to their kids because the kid just twisted their ankle the other day. Maybe some parents talk about pi to their preschooler who drew a circle because their parent is just so thrilled to share with them things they love. Maybe some parents dictate their day to their kid because they are stressed or nervous or trying to focus. Yes, maybe these aren’t 100% optimal responses from parents 100% of the time, but I felt her harsh judgments hurtful. She repeats many times she is talking about neurotypical children only. What about neurodivergent parents? What about parents struggling with many an x, y, z?
This writer contradicts herself and often expects the parent to do what’s best for the kid, period. Like demanding parents give their kids routine when their kids need it even if the parent literally is struggling to be able to do that. She just says “you can’t parent the kid you want, you have to parent the kid you have.” Which sounds reasonable, yes, recognize the kid you have. But not everyone has an infinite ability well to provide any possible thing. She does not do enough to lend even an asterisk for parents who may have had or are having a hard time, beyond “and for single parents it’s harder.” I appreciated tips from several chapters of this book, but was glad to be confident in myself and hard work I’ve put in to not be shaken by her hasty judgments and declarations.
January 5, 2024
Key takeaways from this book: All of parenting is one giant toolbox. The more tools you have and the better you know how to use them the more effective you can be. Make time for true connection. Put the phone down. Use direct emotional terms when engaging, “I’m feeling disconnected. I want to connect with you”. Determine your parenting values for each phase of life. Children are far more capable than we allow them to be. Make lists and encourage executive functioning.
June 11, 2022
This is hands down the best toddler parenting book I have ever read! I especially loved the chapters on boundaries, time management and establishing parenting values. I have a feeling I'll be reading this over and over again as my daughter grows.
December 1, 2023
Very helpful book on parenting through the turmoil that are the toddler years. And definitely a huge helpful reminder to myself to be more patient and kind to not only my toddler but also myself.
May 19, 2024
I really liked her potty training book! This one was ok, I like how she talked about the different phases of being a parent and how the toddler phase is the “governor” phase. The part about letting them do risky things to learn consequences I was iffy on. What really surprised me was her saying a toddler should have less than 6 tantrums a month or something is wrong with them? Hmm luckily I read this book cause my toddler definitely has more tantrums than that…
May 20, 2024
There are so many books on newborns/babies. And so many books about adolescents/teenagers. So I was pumped to find this book about toddlers.
Because the authors parenting values aligned so well with my own, I felt like this is the parenting book I would write if I already had all the wisdom. So many helpful practical strategies, but also chapters to help you shift your perspective. Would highly recommend to toddler parents.
Because the authors parenting values aligned so well with my own, I felt like this is the parenting book I would write if I already had all the wisdom. So many helpful practical strategies, but also chapters to help you shift your perspective. Would highly recommend to toddler parents.
March 31, 2025
Decent book. Liked the separation of parents versus child. Last 4 chapters were fantastic and practical!
July 18, 2025
a pleasant surprise
Read
October 17, 2025Started this when my toddler was 2. Now he is 4 and I have another 2 year old HAHA Lots of nuggets of parenting wisdom that's helpful for all ages really. appreciated her humor and practicality
September 11, 2022
I love this author. Reading this is like speaking casually with a friend who knows her shit about parenting.
Jamie, come out with more books please!
Jamie, come out with more books please!
September 30, 2025
Very insightful and filled with suggestions not everyone thinks of. It provided a different perspective on parenting and how we can improve when we're at a loss. I'm definitely going to try implementing some of her suggestions.
July 2, 2024
This book has been enormously helpful as we launch into Toddlerhood. It’s taught me how to set a better pace for myself and my toddler. Though not a Christian perspective (my typical parenting book go to), it is intensely practical and clear cut and I’d recommend to all toddler moms!
The only chapter I didn’t love was the one on discipline, but that’s to be expected. Other than that, 5/5!
The only chapter I didn’t love was the one on discipline, but that’s to be expected. Other than that, 5/5!
January 10, 2026
A very good parenting book. Loads of helpful advice. Big takeaways for me, get eye contact for as many conversations as possible, slow down, and help these little ones explore life.
April 26, 2023
This book has so many gold nuggets of wisdom, but is written in an extremely approachable conversational style. If I have a complaint, it's that it can occasionally veer a little too much in that direction and start to feel like Jamie is just throwing opinions at you. I think she can be a bit too emphatic about things that don't necessarily have to be taken as gospel*, but I also think that if you did take her approach as gospel, it would probably turn out pretty well.
*As one specific example, she's really big on kids having inherent windows for eating and sleeping, and she's very firm on what those are - 6-8pm bedtimes, for instance. This is very in the weeds, but between Daylight Savings and where you live in a time zone, there's a 2 hour variation in the relationship between clock time and solar time - not to mention the 3+ hour variation in sunset time throughout the year. As long as you're attentive to circadian rhythms/when your child has light exposure, and have a schedule that allows your child to get enough nighttime sleep, I think it's silly to say that a particular clock time is inherently right for every child.
I didn't realize before getting this book that it's primarily targeted at 3-6 year olds, which I would think of as preschool age rather than toddlers. But I'm glad I read it, because I think a lot of what she says can already be applied to my one year old, and the rest will be good to have in mind as we build a foundation for sane older toddler/preschool years.
As a concrete example of her principles in action: While I was reading this book, my 15 month old started going through a phase of demanding constant interaction and crying if I so much as opened a book. In working through this, I applied concepts from 3 of Glowacki's chapters:
1. More big play/general stimulation - especially before naptime, because part of the issue was that he wasn't napping well and then was melting down before bedtime. We started going on outings or at least going outside for a good chunk of time every morning, and that helped move him toward later, longer naps and happier afternoons.
2. Giving attention first. Glowacki claims that when a kid seems to need constant attention, it's usually because they're operating out of a scarcity mindset, and it can be reversed by really leaning into filling their cup first, even if it temporarily seems excessive. I was initially skeptical, because I didn't feel like I was doing too badly in this area, but I started to realize that even when I was "present" I was often still operating from a place of "Let's see how quickly I can settle you and slip away again." I decided to take a couple days of not allowing myself to slip away unless I really truly had to, and see if he would go back to his usual independent play. He did.
3. Being firm with boundaries. Glowacki explains that toddlers will push for limits until they find one, even when that results in completely absurd behaviors. This advice is a little more targeted at older toddlers, and will need to be moderated for younger ones (I love The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read for its insight on recognizing the underlying needs behind your child's behavior), but once I had started to implement points 1 and 2, I would occasionally tell him something like, "I need to go start the laundry, I'll be right back." Then I would walk away (we have a totally childproofed playroom), do exactly what I said - even if he was crying - and come right back. Gradually, I increased how long I would leave and eventually started to add back in optional things. ("I'm going to sit in the corner and read a book. When I finish this chapter, you can pick a book to read together."*) I realized that once I've been firm about a given boundary once, or maybe twice, he accepts it much more calmly in the future.
*Glowacki doesn't really address this because she's discussing verbal older kids, but I'm finding that we're right at the age where talking helps way more than you think it would. I don't know how much he understands, but when I say where I'm going, for how long, and what he can do while I'm gone ("Follow me or stay here and play") he seems much calmer.
I've written most of this review while my toddler happily plays by himself in his playroom - not all in one go, but with solid chunks of freedom. This isn't magic - already there have been times where we've started to spiral back into fretful clinginess - but I have a much better handle on how to get us back on solid ground.
*As one specific example, she's really big on kids having inherent windows for eating and sleeping, and she's very firm on what those are - 6-8pm bedtimes, for instance. This is very in the weeds, but between Daylight Savings and where you live in a time zone, there's a 2 hour variation in the relationship between clock time and solar time - not to mention the 3+ hour variation in sunset time throughout the year. As long as you're attentive to circadian rhythms/when your child has light exposure, and have a schedule that allows your child to get enough nighttime sleep, I think it's silly to say that a particular clock time is inherently right for every child.
I didn't realize before getting this book that it's primarily targeted at 3-6 year olds, which I would think of as preschool age rather than toddlers. But I'm glad I read it, because I think a lot of what she says can already be applied to my one year old, and the rest will be good to have in mind as we build a foundation for sane older toddler/preschool years.
As a concrete example of her principles in action: While I was reading this book, my 15 month old started going through a phase of demanding constant interaction and crying if I so much as opened a book. In working through this, I applied concepts from 3 of Glowacki's chapters:
1. More big play/general stimulation - especially before naptime, because part of the issue was that he wasn't napping well and then was melting down before bedtime. We started going on outings or at least going outside for a good chunk of time every morning, and that helped move him toward later, longer naps and happier afternoons.
2. Giving attention first. Glowacki claims that when a kid seems to need constant attention, it's usually because they're operating out of a scarcity mindset, and it can be reversed by really leaning into filling their cup first, even if it temporarily seems excessive. I was initially skeptical, because I didn't feel like I was doing too badly in this area, but I started to realize that even when I was "present" I was often still operating from a place of "Let's see how quickly I can settle you and slip away again." I decided to take a couple days of not allowing myself to slip away unless I really truly had to, and see if he would go back to his usual independent play. He did.
3. Being firm with boundaries. Glowacki explains that toddlers will push for limits until they find one, even when that results in completely absurd behaviors. This advice is a little more targeted at older toddlers, and will need to be moderated for younger ones (I love The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read for its insight on recognizing the underlying needs behind your child's behavior), but once I had started to implement points 1 and 2, I would occasionally tell him something like, "I need to go start the laundry, I'll be right back." Then I would walk away (we have a totally childproofed playroom), do exactly what I said - even if he was crying - and come right back. Gradually, I increased how long I would leave and eventually started to add back in optional things. ("I'm going to sit in the corner and read a book. When I finish this chapter, you can pick a book to read together."*) I realized that once I've been firm about a given boundary once, or maybe twice, he accepts it much more calmly in the future.
*Glowacki doesn't really address this because she's discussing verbal older kids, but I'm finding that we're right at the age where talking helps way more than you think it would. I don't know how much he understands, but when I say where I'm going, for how long, and what he can do while I'm gone ("Follow me or stay here and play") he seems much calmer.
I've written most of this review while my toddler happily plays by himself in his playroom - not all in one go, but with solid chunks of freedom. This isn't magic - already there have been times where we've started to spiral back into fretful clinginess - but I have a much better handle on how to get us back on solid ground.
June 10, 2025
4.5 stars. One of the most helpful parenting books I’ve read for the toddler years. Highly recommend!
April 23, 2025
While there are a few good nuggets here, I was generally unimpressed with how out of touch this read. As someone who doesn't homeschool, has more than one child, and both parents work outside the home, the advice was extremely unrealistic. She really lost me in the final chapter while discussing food intolerances, namely food dyes, being responsible for more than 4-6 tantrums a month..... I think this book needs to be reviewed by a medical doctor and someone with a child neurodevelopment/psychology background.
August 9, 2024
I really enjoyed this book - definitely one to read every year, or maybe 2-3x a year as I raise kids in the age ranges of 3-5. So many nuggets of toddler wisdom that I will definitely be implementing and revisiting. A few of my favorites:
You have to think of sleep as an actual nutrient. When we consistently go without enough sleep everything suffers: our mood, patience, coordination, ability to stay focused and organized. Getting enough sleep is the best thing you can do for your parenting.
One thing I’ve discovered both personally and professionally is that getting up early is far more useful than staying up late.
If you routinely shave hours off your sleep, you will not be your best parenting self. It’s hard to wrap our heads and routine around this notion, but you are doing something when you sleep.
Parenting is a slow-paced marathon, man you have got to pay attention to replenishing your system and going at a steady, even pace.
Modeling self-care is a truly amazing gift you can give your children. Without saying a word, you are showing them how to care for themselves, how to set boundaries so they’re not draining themselves dry in giving too much. Taking care of you shows them that you respect and love yourself.
True self-care sometimes means being brutal with your time. It’s getting up early to move your body. It’s making yourself shut down all devices at a reasonable time. It’s getting to bed religiously at an earlier time than seems feasible. It’s living with a less than perpetually clean house so you can carve some time for yourself.
Your marriage, your mental health, your family love should not be a crash pad at the end of the day. It should be an umbrella protecting the family all the time.
Create a life you don’t need a vacation from.
Only you have the power to put down the busy. Don’t blame it on activities or the need to do something.
If you want downtime, you must make room for downtime.
Overprinting. We don’t have to be there all the time, managing our children. We need to facilitate their growth… this means giving them more actual physical space, letting them make mistakes without rushing in to fix things, finding that magic spot of letting them feel a little frustration without it’s becoming a meltdown.
Don’t pretend to be engaged with your kid when you’re not. Be honest. Tell your child to hang on while you mess around on your phone. Then give your little one your full attention. Kids know when you’re not fully engaged. And guess what? That makes them needier.
Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one.
You are the expert on your child.
Look at the child you have, not the child you want.
Parenting philosophies are the number one killer of good parenting
Kids do stupid things. Kids act like jerks. Kids make massive mistakes. That doesn’t mean we’ve failed as parents. It’s not always about you. If you an release a little bit of that feeling - that you are responsible for everything your child does - you will have gone a long way toward easing your anxiety.
There’s no such thing as being a perfect parent. So be a real one.
You are shaking the child you are raising, but you are not creating this human. You cannot create the perfect child who then grows into the perfect adult. There is no magic code that will make that happen. Most parental anxiety comes from the idea that you are somehow messing up. Sink into love and connection first and foremost, and you really can’t go wrong.
Children are constantly learning. They don’t do what we say, they do what we do.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary
When a kid isn’t being challenged developmentally, he’s going to go looking for a challenge. Does your little one seem hell-bent on finding trouble? Bugging siblings? Butting heads with you? Chances are this kid is looking for a challenge, not trouble.
Children are far more capable then we allow them to be.
Giving responsibility is what builds self-esteem, not saying “good job buddy” a thousand times.
As a culture, we think avoiding conflict is good. But …conflict will always happen. So the goal should never be freedom from conflict but rather it should be conflict resolution.
Slow down. Way down in your talking and in transitioning your toddler from one activity to the next.
You have to think of sleep as an actual nutrient. When we consistently go without enough sleep everything suffers: our mood, patience, coordination, ability to stay focused and organized. Getting enough sleep is the best thing you can do for your parenting.
One thing I’ve discovered both personally and professionally is that getting up early is far more useful than staying up late.
If you routinely shave hours off your sleep, you will not be your best parenting self. It’s hard to wrap our heads and routine around this notion, but you are doing something when you sleep.
Parenting is a slow-paced marathon, man you have got to pay attention to replenishing your system and going at a steady, even pace.
Modeling self-care is a truly amazing gift you can give your children. Without saying a word, you are showing them how to care for themselves, how to set boundaries so they’re not draining themselves dry in giving too much. Taking care of you shows them that you respect and love yourself.
True self-care sometimes means being brutal with your time. It’s getting up early to move your body. It’s making yourself shut down all devices at a reasonable time. It’s getting to bed religiously at an earlier time than seems feasible. It’s living with a less than perpetually clean house so you can carve some time for yourself.
Your marriage, your mental health, your family love should not be a crash pad at the end of the day. It should be an umbrella protecting the family all the time.
Create a life you don’t need a vacation from.
Only you have the power to put down the busy. Don’t blame it on activities or the need to do something.
If you want downtime, you must make room for downtime.
Overprinting. We don’t have to be there all the time, managing our children. We need to facilitate their growth… this means giving them more actual physical space, letting them make mistakes without rushing in to fix things, finding that magic spot of letting them feel a little frustration without it’s becoming a meltdown.
Don’t pretend to be engaged with your kid when you’re not. Be honest. Tell your child to hang on while you mess around on your phone. Then give your little one your full attention. Kids know when you’re not fully engaged. And guess what? That makes them needier.
Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one.
You are the expert on your child.
Look at the child you have, not the child you want.
Parenting philosophies are the number one killer of good parenting
Kids do stupid things. Kids act like jerks. Kids make massive mistakes. That doesn’t mean we’ve failed as parents. It’s not always about you. If you an release a little bit of that feeling - that you are responsible for everything your child does - you will have gone a long way toward easing your anxiety.
There’s no such thing as being a perfect parent. So be a real one.
You are shaking the child you are raising, but you are not creating this human. You cannot create the perfect child who then grows into the perfect adult. There is no magic code that will make that happen. Most parental anxiety comes from the idea that you are somehow messing up. Sink into love and connection first and foremost, and you really can’t go wrong.
Children are constantly learning. They don’t do what we say, they do what we do.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary
When a kid isn’t being challenged developmentally, he’s going to go looking for a challenge. Does your little one seem hell-bent on finding trouble? Bugging siblings? Butting heads with you? Chances are this kid is looking for a challenge, not trouble.
Children are far more capable then we allow them to be.
Giving responsibility is what builds self-esteem, not saying “good job buddy” a thousand times.
As a culture, we think avoiding conflict is good. But …conflict will always happen. So the goal should never be freedom from conflict but rather it should be conflict resolution.
Slow down. Way down in your talking and in transitioning your toddler from one activity to the next.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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