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The Game of Desire: 5 Surprising Secrets to Dating with Dominance - and Getting What You Want
gain control and confidence in your love lives and find the relationship you want with this modern, life-changing guide from the certified sex educator, intimacy expert, and YouTube personality.
For younger generations, dating is a complicated mystery. Apps like Tinder and Bumble are supposed to foster connection, but instead serve as a reminder of how painfully single we are.
Certified sexologist and intimacy coach Shan Boodram—the most sought-after sex educator on the internet—is about to change all that. In this essential how-to guide, she addresses the realities of life today—when the rules of love and attraction are fluid—and teaches a group of young women how to become master daters in just sixty days.
It starts with you. Shan makes clear that love and self-discovery go hand in hand—your dating life is just as much about you as it is about other people. She challenges you to look inside yourself for what you want out of a partner, a relationship and, most important, yourself. Once you figure out what you want from dating, she shows you exactly how to get it. The Game of Desire empowers you to take the lead, learn your strengths, and identify and correct your weaknesses, all the while getting inspired watching a group of women learn how to succeed in today’s dating pool.
While many books tell women why they can’t get a date, Shan teaches you the skills and techniques necessary to take charge in today’s competitive and often confusing dating scene, providing the tools essential to attract—and retain—the partner(s) you want. From learning love languages to debunking dating myths, she helps women build knowledge and confidence.
Featuring conversational case studies, comprehensive facts about the psychology of sex and romance, and expert insight into sex culture, and written with her trademark humor and charm, The Game of Desire is a must for all of Shan’s fans and for every woman struggling to feel loved and desired.
For younger generations, dating is a complicated mystery. Apps like Tinder and Bumble are supposed to foster connection, but instead serve as a reminder of how painfully single we are.
Certified sexologist and intimacy coach Shan Boodram—the most sought-after sex educator on the internet—is about to change all that. In this essential how-to guide, she addresses the realities of life today—when the rules of love and attraction are fluid—and teaches a group of young women how to become master daters in just sixty days.
It starts with you. Shan makes clear that love and self-discovery go hand in hand—your dating life is just as much about you as it is about other people. She challenges you to look inside yourself for what you want out of a partner, a relationship and, most important, yourself. Once you figure out what you want from dating, she shows you exactly how to get it. The Game of Desire empowers you to take the lead, learn your strengths, and identify and correct your weaknesses, all the while getting inspired watching a group of women learn how to succeed in today’s dating pool.
While many books tell women why they can’t get a date, Shan teaches you the skills and techniques necessary to take charge in today’s competitive and often confusing dating scene, providing the tools essential to attract—and retain—the partner(s) you want. From learning love languages to debunking dating myths, she helps women build knowledge and confidence.
Featuring conversational case studies, comprehensive facts about the psychology of sex and romance, and expert insight into sex culture, and written with her trademark humor and charm, The Game of Desire is a must for all of Shan’s fans and for every woman struggling to feel loved and desired.
301 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 23, 2019
432 people are currently reading
2388 people want to read
About the author
Shannon Boodram
2 books105 followersShan Boodram is the Internet’s most sought-after, certified sex educator, dating coach and relationship expert with over 40 million YouTube views alongside her mainstream coverage across all the major TV networks, The New York Times, Forbes and Time Magazine. Boodram is a bestselling author and the host of a new daily show on Quibi, Sexology with Shan Boodram.
Known by her community as “Shan Boody,” Boodram first made her way onto the scene as the host of MTV's Guide to Sex . Boodram then solidified her status as a go-to-girl in the dating space as the host and executive producer of the Fullscreen series, Your Perfect Date. Last year, Shan was the host and a consulting producer for Facebook Watch’s relationship series, Make Up or Break Up.
Boodram is a best-selling author, her new book, “The Game Of Desire: 5 Surprising Secrets to Dating with Dominance and Getting What You Want,” which got critical acclaim from TIME, Apple and Refinery29. Her previous book, “LAID," was a Canadian best-seller. Boodram has written articles for Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan and CBC, as well as being a contributing writer for Freeform.
Shan is an ambassador for AIDS Healthcare Foundation and WomensHealth.gov. She is a member of the American Sexual Health Association. She is a certified sexologist and currently lives in Los Angeles with her husband.
Known by her community as “Shan Boody,” Boodram first made her way onto the scene as the host of MTV's Guide to Sex . Boodram then solidified her status as a go-to-girl in the dating space as the host and executive producer of the Fullscreen series, Your Perfect Date. Last year, Shan was the host and a consulting producer for Facebook Watch’s relationship series, Make Up or Break Up.
Boodram is a best-selling author, her new book, “The Game Of Desire: 5 Surprising Secrets to Dating with Dominance and Getting What You Want,” which got critical acclaim from TIME, Apple and Refinery29. Her previous book, “LAID," was a Canadian best-seller. Boodram has written articles for Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan and CBC, as well as being a contributing writer for Freeform.
Shan is an ambassador for AIDS Healthcare Foundation and WomensHealth.gov. She is a member of the American Sexual Health Association. She is a certified sexologist and currently lives in Los Angeles with her husband.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 172 reviews
September 26, 2019
I WISH I had this book in 2016 when I was crying on my bedroom floor about how I just wanted to be in love. Even though I am now in a relationship, this book still has given me so much helpful advice on communication skills, how to gauge someone’s interest, how to show someone yours, how to understand my love language & COMMUNICATE IT... & SO much more! I really suggest this read if you subscribe to the “men are trash” mantra or use your dating apps as something to just pass time or laugh at amongst your friends. Love shouldn’t be something you have thrown your hands up at in annoyance. This book truly does give you suggestions on how to work the dating game in your favor & tests REAL EXPERIMENTS with the lessons! That was my favorite part! So much real life explanation & details on how it went or what could be done better. Shan is someone I have enjoyed watching on YouTube for many reasons, but this book made the #1 reason as clear as day! This woman KNOWS HER SHIT & she explains it well. She does not beat around the bush, point you in a bad direction, or spare your feelings. I appreciated her honesty throughout this novel & recommend it to anyone who has put love as a low priority in their life. Go find you some! You deserve it!
July 22, 2019
I've followed Shan's work for years so I knew I liked her style and approach. I was most surprised by how much she still could teach me! I read the book in a single afternoon and will definitely go back to do the program at my own pace to see if I can replicate the stellar results her group of women had.
August 2, 2019
This isn’t normally the type of book I’d buy, but I saw several recommendations for it and I had some Amazon credit so I went ahead and purchased the ebook.
It’s a very smooth and engaging read. Unlike most self-help books, this one is told more in a story form, and I found myself really wanting to see what would happen next for each of the women who was participating in Shan’s program.
Some of the advice given felt very specific to people who live in big cities like L.A., and I’m not sure if the author realized her blind spot in this? Like the parties and the seemingly endless opportunities at bars and stuff - I don’t want to be a naysayer, but I do think the dating scene is a bit different in small towns.
The crazy feminist side of me bristled a little at the idea of reading a book about dating, but the great thing is that this is actually way more than just a book about dating. It’s a book about stepping into your own confident glow, taking control of yourself and your life, and feeling empowered in your romantic relationships, sexually charged connections, and beyond. It’s a book about getting to know yourself in order to find what matters to you in a partner.
A lot of this is stuff that you can figure out on your own, but a lot of people DON’T figure it out on their own. Or they waste a lot of time and heartbreak trying to figure it out.
On the line between 3 and 4 stars; it’s a great book, but didn’t feel particularly earth shattering to me. But would def recommend if you’re looking to bring more joy and fun into your dating life!
It’s a very smooth and engaging read. Unlike most self-help books, this one is told more in a story form, and I found myself really wanting to see what would happen next for each of the women who was participating in Shan’s program.
Some of the advice given felt very specific to people who live in big cities like L.A., and I’m not sure if the author realized her blind spot in this? Like the parties and the seemingly endless opportunities at bars and stuff - I don’t want to be a naysayer, but I do think the dating scene is a bit different in small towns.
The crazy feminist side of me bristled a little at the idea of reading a book about dating, but the great thing is that this is actually way more than just a book about dating. It’s a book about stepping into your own confident glow, taking control of yourself and your life, and feeling empowered in your romantic relationships, sexually charged connections, and beyond. It’s a book about getting to know yourself in order to find what matters to you in a partner.
A lot of this is stuff that you can figure out on your own, but a lot of people DON’T figure it out on their own. Or they waste a lot of time and heartbreak trying to figure it out.
On the line between 3 and 4 stars; it’s a great book, but didn’t feel particularly earth shattering to me. But would def recommend if you’re looking to bring more joy and fun into your dating life!
October 26, 2019
A while back Shannon came onto a podcast I liked and sounded like a reasonable normal woman. If only she sounded that way in her book, I would have....OK, not enjoyed reading it, but at least not absolutely hated it? Sadly, the "date with dominance" label is a complete lie, too... it lead me to hope the author had an understanding of dominant women, but she does not. The intended audience is submissive passive women who have so little self awareness that they cannot handle discussing sex without silly obfuscations like "get freaky".
The book is approximately 33% this vague silliness, 33% horrible "get to know yourself" horribly-written quizzes, and 33% pointless blathering about a supposed group of "diverse" women who apparently needed make up advise from the author.
I found the quizzes full of repetitive vague questions, with almost no options/answers I could truthfully choose. Shannon's "sexy triggers" list reads like the list of "how can he order you / pressure you / guilt you into sex?". Ewww. Add in all the repulsive phrases like "get freaky" liberally peppering the book, and here I am telling you what a useless insulting bit of nothing this book turned out to be.
The book is approximately 33% this vague silliness, 33% horrible "get to know yourself" horribly-written quizzes, and 33% pointless blathering about a supposed group of "diverse" women who apparently needed make up advise from the author.
I found the quizzes full of repetitive vague questions, with almost no options/answers I could truthfully choose. Shannon's "sexy triggers" list reads like the list of "how can he order you / pressure you / guilt you into sex?". Ewww. Add in all the repulsive phrases like "get freaky" liberally peppering the book, and here I am telling you what a useless insulting bit of nothing this book turned out to be.
July 29, 2019
I had no clue what to expect because I had only planned on getting the book next year. I then saw Shan’s post on IG about an audible version (I live in South Africa) and downloaded it immediately.
I. Do. Not. Regret that at all. It was such a great listen. So easy to follow. For me, what helped was being able to identify myself in some of the women’s journeys and it gave me such breakthroughs into my own psyche. Defo gave me food for thought to share with my therapist and get me on to the right path for change. I’ll defo do the challenge but modify some aspects (asking friends and family for blind spots and not any ex).
Now we just need a version for men to work through their issues and our world will be a little better.
I. Do. Not. Regret that at all. It was such a great listen. So easy to follow. For me, what helped was being able to identify myself in some of the women’s journeys and it gave me such breakthroughs into my own psyche. Defo gave me food for thought to share with my therapist and get me on to the right path for change. I’ll defo do the challenge but modify some aspects (asking friends and family for blind spots and not any ex).
Now we just need a version for men to work through their issues and our world will be a little better.
August 3, 2019
I'll preface this by saying I've been following the author, Shannon Boodram aka Shan Boody, online for several years so I'm definitely not an unbiased reader. Additionally, I started this book about a month after starting a new(ish) relationship so it felt like a low stakes investment of my time on the specific subject matter.
Even with these caveats in mind, what I enjoyed most about this was though it is centered on dating, many of the concepts shared in The Game of Desire are absolutely applicable to connecting with humans in general. She does a great job of citing sources throughout the read so if there's one particular idea you want to learn more of (she covers *a lot* in the book), you can easily dive in deeper. Throughout the book, Boodram shares many hypotheses and findings in a format that's easy to grasp while also being entertaining to follow along with, an attribute helped a lot by the parameters under which this longterm experiment occurred. You get to know women going through the process of putting her theories into practice which adds a "real life" element to the read. I definitely wouldn't consider myself someone who dates a lot (mostly by choice), but reading this book made it sound much more enjoyable than the stories I've heard from many of my more active friends and made me much more interested in doing so than I ever had been before.
If you're feeling disappointed, disheartened, or discouraged by the idea of dating, this book could be just the remedy you need. And even if you're not, it's still an entertaining read to page through.
Even with these caveats in mind, what I enjoyed most about this was though it is centered on dating, many of the concepts shared in The Game of Desire are absolutely applicable to connecting with humans in general. She does a great job of citing sources throughout the read so if there's one particular idea you want to learn more of (she covers *a lot* in the book), you can easily dive in deeper. Throughout the book, Boodram shares many hypotheses and findings in a format that's easy to grasp while also being entertaining to follow along with, an attribute helped a lot by the parameters under which this longterm experiment occurred. You get to know women going through the process of putting her theories into practice which adds a "real life" element to the read. I definitely wouldn't consider myself someone who dates a lot (mostly by choice), but reading this book made it sound much more enjoyable than the stories I've heard from many of my more active friends and made me much more interested in doing so than I ever had been before.
If you're feeling disappointed, disheartened, or discouraged by the idea of dating, this book could be just the remedy you need. And even if you're not, it's still an entertaining read to page through.
July 25, 2019
What I love about this book is how wholesome Shan Boody is in her advices. She doesn't have any rigid idea of gender and doesn't spend time on the pittiness of Cosmo-esque dating advices, like waiting to text people or playing hard to get. Also, she emphasizes the importance to set expectations Instead she advocates for embracing your boldest self and finding your way to seduce others. She's a pioneer I hope more of us will follow to seduce first ourselves and then the people we chose to :) Finally, the writing's is much better than in self-help books and definitely doesn't feel stretched, if anything I wish the book would be longer! Keep up the good work and I hope I get the chance to meet you one day!
May 13, 2020
4.5/5
I loved the audiobook but the thing that sucks is I didn’t grasp who each girl was until halfway through. Just because audiobooks are hard for me to focus on, no fault of Shan’s. Actually going to reread this one to get the full picture. But wow this was juicy and so insightful. Shannon did a fantastic job researching and thoroughly conducting an experiment
I loved the audiobook but the thing that sucks is I didn’t grasp who each girl was until halfway through. Just because audiobooks are hard for me to focus on, no fault of Shan’s. Actually going to reread this one to get the full picture. But wow this was juicy and so insightful. Shannon did a fantastic job researching and thoroughly conducting an experiment
September 2, 2019
Good and interesting
I really liked this book. There were interesting activities that you could do that truly help you learn about yourself. This book isn't about learning how to please and attract a significant other. It's about knowing who you are, what you want and being confident enough to push yourself and go after what you want whether this means love or a career. But to always remember to love and take care of you.
I really liked this book. There were interesting activities that you could do that truly help you learn about yourself. This book isn't about learning how to please and attract a significant other. It's about knowing who you are, what you want and being confident enough to push yourself and go after what you want whether this means love or a career. But to always remember to love and take care of you.
July 31, 2019
Indispensable information that everyone who wants to connect with other humans need. Shan is funny and honest. The women’s stories are relatable. We’ve all been one of them. Afraid to show our light. This book shows us how to come into our own. Can’t wait to implement this program into my life!!!
October 11, 2019
When I found out that one of my all time favorite Youtubers was writing a tell-all book on dating, I was excited. But now, I’m just exhausted.
Shan Boody is the woman of color, professional cheerleading dating expert that I feel anyone could use in their lives if they want to date. But that’s the thing: Courtney, Priscilla, Stephanie, Maya and Deshawn were able to get in real life help from her and other experts throughout the book in a large metropolitan city.
I think this made the book very hard to relate to. I live in the suburbs where families are way more abundant than flirting, and these ladies, while they had their challenges in believing in themselves, they had location on their side. I really enjoyed The Game of Desire, but there was much left to be desired (pun intended) for us girls living in the suburbs and rural areas where moving isn’t exactly feasible. Although I’d be happy to try some of those tips in new cities just for fun!
Shan Boody is the woman of color, professional cheerleading dating expert that I feel anyone could use in their lives if they want to date. But that’s the thing: Courtney, Priscilla, Stephanie, Maya and Deshawn were able to get in real life help from her and other experts throughout the book in a large metropolitan city.
I think this made the book very hard to relate to. I live in the suburbs where families are way more abundant than flirting, and these ladies, while they had their challenges in believing in themselves, they had location on their side. I really enjoyed The Game of Desire, but there was much left to be desired (pun intended) for us girls living in the suburbs and rural areas where moving isn’t exactly feasible. Although I’d be happy to try some of those tips in new cities just for fun!
January 31, 2025
Okay gotta admit that I finished this book for 3 reasons
- 50% because I love the idea that I could actually manage to read 10 books in a month (I'm gonna count th 1h audiobook for the sole purpose that 10 sounds nicer than 9)
- 20% because I already paid for it
- 30% because I find it interesting.
"Interesting" things taken from that book
- the idea of calling possible dating partners "playmates" -> also "playmate hunting"
- using vaginal fluids as perfume
- "Sexy triangle", "storking"
- Chapter 3 was nice (e.g apology language)
- "you can choose what changes you "
- makeup mimicking "sexual" reactions
- workbook seems fun, might do that
- Cake in dating profile pic to make people interact with it more
- The human brain can apparently only process 3 new infos at once (you shouldn't talk longer than 2 min at a time)
- talking to your Anxiety as if it were a person
Overall an okay book and I think it could have helped me a couple years ago
- 50% because I love the idea that I could actually manage to read 10 books in a month (I'm gonna count th 1h audiobook for the sole purpose that 10 sounds nicer than 9)
- 20% because I already paid for it
- 30% because I find it interesting.
"Interesting" things taken from that book
- the idea of calling possible dating partners "playmates" -> also "playmate hunting"
- using vaginal fluids as perfume
- "Sexy triangle", "storking"
- Chapter 3 was nice (e.g apology language)
- "you can choose what changes you "
- makeup mimicking "sexual" reactions
- workbook seems fun, might do that
- Cake in dating profile pic to make people interact with it more
- The human brain can apparently only process 3 new infos at once (you shouldn't talk longer than 2 min at a time)
- talking to your Anxiety as if it were a person
Overall an okay book and I think it could have helped me a couple years ago
October 8, 2019
I've followed Shannon by watching her videos for some years now, and this book is literally a compilation of the greatest things she teaches in an ordered, digestable treat!
The book goes far beyond the title; it's a kick up the ass to be introspective, understand yourself better, figure out what makes you tick, then building the courage and skills necessary to go out to get what you want!
For me, it's serving as a component on my "figuring myself out" journey (which is a constant one), and I would highly recommend it to anyone that wants the same. I would further recommend it to those looking to take the driver's seat in building meaningful connections in whatever way that looks for them!
I adore the pride Shannon takes in her work and the love she pours into it. This book truly is a reflection of that, and then some. Major love and respect to her and the participants!
The book goes far beyond the title; it's a kick up the ass to be introspective, understand yourself better, figure out what makes you tick, then building the courage and skills necessary to go out to get what you want!
For me, it's serving as a component on my "figuring myself out" journey (which is a constant one), and I would highly recommend it to anyone that wants the same. I would further recommend it to those looking to take the driver's seat in building meaningful connections in whatever way that looks for them!
I adore the pride Shannon takes in her work and the love she pours into it. This book truly is a reflection of that, and then some. Major love and respect to her and the participants!
August 7, 2019
First things first, there is very, very, very limited male influence in this book; so as a male, you might not get anything out of this book. For everyone else, though, this is a solid read, that gives you a solid foundation to work with and lightly visits them with practical application.
The Good: This book visits dating from the perspective of someone who is dating today, talking about topics such as: Gender Pronouns, flattering selfies, short meaningful conversations, honesty, and most importantly empowerment in a post #metoo society. The author weaves 5 (starts with 6) girls into a solid single narrative that shows their growth both dramatically and not so, the best part about these girls is, one look at them shows you how normal they are, it's awesome to see the author didn't choose Instagram Chicks to work with, she chose a set of girls that her readers can easily relate to
The Bad: The book lightly touches topics that really need a good solid conversation such as: App's, what happens when the date goes bad, casual sex, how to tailor your dating habit to someone new, alternative lifestyles (poly, Swing, Open, etc) It would've been nice to see the author use the 5 (starts with 6) girls each as a centerpiece to display a topic, as even by the time the book ends we don't know much about them, so use them sparingly as to simply display something, like Deshawn as a centerpiece to talk about APP's or Stephanie to talk about what happens when things go bad, etc...
I also think by setting this to one very specific audience, young women in a large city between the ages of 23 and 39, she had narrowed the focus so much that the readers will need to find good information rather than receive it. As a male there is good information to listen to in order to respect the game she is preaching, but it tells me more about how women are trying to manipulate the game rather than how we can work together to make the game even and productive.
To summarize, if your young, single and want some good game, check Shan's book out, if you aren't those ... maybe she will expand in another book.
The Good: This book visits dating from the perspective of someone who is dating today, talking about topics such as: Gender Pronouns, flattering selfies, short meaningful conversations, honesty, and most importantly empowerment in a post #metoo society. The author weaves 5 (starts with 6) girls into a solid single narrative that shows their growth both dramatically and not so, the best part about these girls is, one look at them shows you how normal they are, it's awesome to see the author didn't choose Instagram Chicks to work with, she chose a set of girls that her readers can easily relate to
The Bad: The book lightly touches topics that really need a good solid conversation such as: App's, what happens when the date goes bad, casual sex, how to tailor your dating habit to someone new, alternative lifestyles (poly, Swing, Open, etc) It would've been nice to see the author use the 5 (starts with 6) girls each as a centerpiece to display a topic, as even by the time the book ends we don't know much about them, so use them sparingly as to simply display something, like Deshawn as a centerpiece to talk about APP's or Stephanie to talk about what happens when things go bad, etc...
I also think by setting this to one very specific audience, young women in a large city between the ages of 23 and 39, she had narrowed the focus so much that the readers will need to find good information rather than receive it. As a male there is good information to listen to in order to respect the game she is preaching, but it tells me more about how women are trying to manipulate the game rather than how we can work together to make the game even and productive.
To summarize, if your young, single and want some good game, check Shan's book out, if you aren't those ... maybe she will expand in another book.
May 12, 2020
Let me just say, I am taken. However, I still read this book because I follow Shannon but also, I had a feeling I could still get something out of it. Wow, did I learn. The first phase of this book is all about introspection and I absolutely loved it. I learned so much about myself and for the exes portion, I still went through it with my boyfriend and me if it applied and it really solidified why we have been able to be together for so long. There is always room for improvement so please if you are taken, don't pass this book by.
And of course, I sent this book to all my single friends. I seriously wish I had this when I was feeling perpetually single.
And of course, I sent this book to all my single friends. I seriously wish I had this when I was feeling perpetually single.
April 21, 2020
Pretty interesting read. Let me start by saying I'm not on the dating scene. However, I've been following the author on YouTube for quite a while, so decided to check the book out. As Boodram gave six women dating advice for this "experiment," I followed along and learned a bit about confidence-building and sharpening my interpersonal skills.
February 10, 2020
This book is quite interesting you. The vulnerability and the realness. I like it
August 29, 2020
I really enjoyed this book ! I’m not single but this book still allowed me to look within myself and see what I could do to strengthen my current relationship . Plus you get a little bit of everything in this book from makeup tips and tricks , rules of seduction and self defense .
August 25, 2020
13. One of my favorite principles is: communication is kind of about what you want to say, but mostly it’s about what you want to accomplish.
18. People pleasers, on the other hand, are so consumed with their desire to belong that they relinquish their right to be respected.
30. So, if you want someone to know you’re interested, look them in the eye, then once you have them on the hook, let your attention trail down to their body before meeting their gaze with a smile again. We’ll call this the sexy triangle.
37. This is an important lesson on the early stages of forming relationships of any kind: if you notice a trend you don’t like, call it out. The sooner you make your standards clear, the easier it gets to do this as new conflicts arise. In short, it’s fairly straightforward to adjust new behaviors, but breaking long-term patterns can be back- (or heart-) breaking work. I need you to really understand this if you’re going to have a shot at a fulfilling love life: you cannot avoid confrontation. If you don’t do it externally you will end up doing it internally.
40. Just like if you went to Thailand and spoke in English, you wouldn’t expect to be fully understood, if you show others you care by speaking in your love language, not theirs, you shouldn’t be surprised if your message gets lost in translation.
42. I realized that small children ask their parents so many questions because they think we have the answers. When we tell them things, they believe it because they trust we know best. So, I choose to tell him that he’s the most incredible, smart, loving, positive and unstoppable light on the planet.
75. Of course we can learn from our past on how to improve, but sometimes it’s our stubborn yet magical imperfections that make us special and different. The trick is to make a clear distinction between the qualities that just need the right beholder and the ones that Jesus himself would have struggled to vibe with.
102. It’s not just your eyes, but your whole face, that provides a window to your soul. How do you hold your mouth? What are your eyebrows doing? Where is your eye line? All of these factors serve as a road map to your truth. Most people foolishly believe they have mastered the poker face, but in reality, if you’re thinking it, we can see it!
103. Attractive is not an adjective to be used to describe some, it’s a verb that can be utilized by anyone.
108. We have many different versions of ourselves: our work self, home self, after-hours self, hungry self, when-no-one-else-is-watching self and the version of self that may have been formed in reaction to past trauma. So which self are people referring to when they share that sentiment? I believe that the only true self is the one someone consistently chooses to be, and that simply points to the fact that you do have a choice. Thus, if who you’re choosing to be isn’t working, what’s so wrong with choosing to become something else?
109. Finally, it’s wise to think of learning about seduction as if you’re learning how to dance. The absolute best dancers know the choreography until it’s a part of them, until the moves are an effortless extension of their own.
112. I believe we should all have a baseline at rest, but at play, there’s nothing wrong with using extremes to keep people guessing--as long as you’re careful not to be contradictory (saying one thing and doing the other) because that certainly isn’t seductive.
125. Often when I begin a new project, I come across one person that rubs me the wrong way. When this happens, I start asking myself questions: do I see them exhibit the same problematic nature with others, or just me? Do they seem like a happy person? Have I noted that they often make decisions they feel good about, or are they constantly highly critical? If in the end I see a pattern with their behavior, I depersonalize my experience with them, then try my best going forward to let slights go because I’m not out to fix things that aren’t in my garage. But if I notice that there is no pattern and their relationship with me is the anomaly, I change. I troubleshoot the way I’ve interacted with them and try to switch my approach.
134. I call this the two to one ratio: for every one question that someone asks you, be mindful to ask them two in return.
135. In general, I’ll hear anyone out, but when it comes to making decisions, I only take heed to what happy people have to say. You have to ask yourself, if your mom or anyone else who has put this doubt in you, is happy with themselves.
136. Plus, even though change is the only constant in the world, that doesn’t mean transformations should be instant. When it comes to changing your character it’s more realistic to expect that process will happen at the same speed that rocks turn to sand. Of course, I hoped the program would speed up that erosion, but hope is all you can do when it comes to someone else’s personal journey.
137. … good habits are worth way more than perfect incidents. Meaning, if someone does something for you that’s kind of what you like, it’s more to your benefit to applaud them than to red-marker them.
153. Not everyone has to be the one; you just need to connect with great people who help you get closer to figuring out what you want.
164. “This is your life. You can be in the passenger seat hoping something will happen. Or you can actively drive your fate. Whether that means directly going after what you want or putting yourself in position to attract what you want. Either way you can’t just wait and hope for the best…”
165. People will make eye contact with someone they find attractive three separate times for three seconds each.
170. You should never be surprised by, or a victim, of someone else’s bad mood.
170. When you approach, ask a question; if they don’t ask one back, politely take your leave. This shows that they are selfish or insecure.
178. Influence is a lot like a knife: it can be used to create something wonderful or destroy something vulnerable.
179. While we are told to hide our weaknesses, there’s a lot to be said about the power of revealing them in a constructive way. 1) It gives people a clear lane to demonstrate how to add value to you. 2) People highly value authenticity and nothing demonstrates that better than vulnerability.
217. What is your religion?
What are your politics?
Do you live with anyone?
Do you smoke/drink/do drugs?
How’s your relationship with your parents?
What was your last relationship like?
Do you still talk to your ex?
What would your friends say your weak areas are?
Do you have a criminal record?
What do you think about sex on the first date?
Do you want kids?
Are you in any debt?
Where is this going?
235. Be the person you’ve always wanted to be in the company of people who excite you.
239. “… don’t be afraid to go for what you want because you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.”
253. “… when you make a mistake you have two choices: you can lose, or you can learn…”
253. … there is something magical that happens when you place yourself in a pressure cooker of change with others. With the stress, heat and discomfort of it all, you lose sight of why you went in to begin with and that confusion is necessary for a richer result. It’s best to throw everything out the window before committing yourself to change. You can’t make predictions on who you will become if you’ve never been that person before.
253. … she was in such a rush to get chosen that she was not just willing to, but dreaming of, forfeiting her right to choose.
254. Trust is a result of consistency over time. In plain words, you gotta do a lotta good before someone can give you a lil benefit of the doubt. This formula also holds true for our most important relationship of all, the one we share with self. And that was Stephanie’s next great assignment: rebuild that bridge between who she wanted to be and who she’d settled into becoming.
255. “Knowledge is power and power is the luxury of doing things your way…”
255. Her story exemplifies the power of manifestation: if you go into anything, be that a program or a relationship, believing to the point of knowing that it won’t work, you’re going to be right 90 percent of the time. So who’s to say the exact opposite can’t be true too? Faith is free and if you’re gonna choose to do something, you might as well choose to believe in it or else what’s the point in trying?
255. Maya showed that you can prove yourself wrong if you give yourself a chance to do something unexpectedly right.
255. Moral of the story, sometimes, yes, you need to reinvent the wheel to make it work for you. But other times, you just gotta remove the rock you wedged in front of it.
256. … there is no such thing as a lost cause. There is no un-pretty sister, undecorated Ivy League graduate, or unfit community member. You are not destined to make the wrong choices and to never be chosen--that reality has never existed, but you do. And who are you? You are a one-of-a-kind creator with infinite possibilities during your finite time on this planet. You, my dear, are whoever you consistently decide to be.
256. I absolutely know that you are an exceptional creator for one simple reason: someone created the English language I am typing in; a single person out there designed every item of clothing you’re wearing; the place you call home, someone constructed; the job you rush to, someone founded; and even the sauce you put on your french fries--another human being no different, no greater, no more capable or awesome than you Made. That. Shit. Up. So, if you’re not currently happy with what you have, what’s stopping you from making your own shit up?
256. … you don’t have to naturally have what it takes. You just have to be willing to learn the habits that can take you where you want to go.
257. … you make your own luck, even when you feel like you have no resources or favor to gamble with. Regardless of how life has let you down, you can’t let it keep you there. And if you are there, remember, you aren’t down because you can’t do any better, you’re there because you’ve allowed critical voices to speak louder than your true purpose. Dig deeper and fight because only you know the awesome things you’re capable of manifesting. It’s your time to run towards--not hide from--your unclaimed greatness. And I get it: change isn’t easy, but being stagnant hasn’t been all that simple either, has it? So, how much harder can it be to act on the chance that you do have what it takes to be with who you want--and to be who you want?
259. I just read that the most effective way to communicate to someone that you understand them is to put yourself imaginatively, in their shoes. If someone is telling you a tragic or exciting story, picture yourself in their exact position as they’re speaking. This will alter your facial expressions and communicate that you truly empathize and relate to their experience.
265. … negative people are a lot like thongs: you don’t realize how far up your ass they are until you remove them.
265. Skillful seduction is not a gift bestowed on the beautiful, it’s a series of learned behaviors acquired by the bold.
18. People pleasers, on the other hand, are so consumed with their desire to belong that they relinquish their right to be respected.
30. So, if you want someone to know you’re interested, look them in the eye, then once you have them on the hook, let your attention trail down to their body before meeting their gaze with a smile again. We’ll call this the sexy triangle.
37. This is an important lesson on the early stages of forming relationships of any kind: if you notice a trend you don’t like, call it out. The sooner you make your standards clear, the easier it gets to do this as new conflicts arise. In short, it’s fairly straightforward to adjust new behaviors, but breaking long-term patterns can be back- (or heart-) breaking work. I need you to really understand this if you’re going to have a shot at a fulfilling love life: you cannot avoid confrontation. If you don’t do it externally you will end up doing it internally.
40. Just like if you went to Thailand and spoke in English, you wouldn’t expect to be fully understood, if you show others you care by speaking in your love language, not theirs, you shouldn’t be surprised if your message gets lost in translation.
42. I realized that small children ask their parents so many questions because they think we have the answers. When we tell them things, they believe it because they trust we know best. So, I choose to tell him that he’s the most incredible, smart, loving, positive and unstoppable light on the planet.
75. Of course we can learn from our past on how to improve, but sometimes it’s our stubborn yet magical imperfections that make us special and different. The trick is to make a clear distinction between the qualities that just need the right beholder and the ones that Jesus himself would have struggled to vibe with.
102. It’s not just your eyes, but your whole face, that provides a window to your soul. How do you hold your mouth? What are your eyebrows doing? Where is your eye line? All of these factors serve as a road map to your truth. Most people foolishly believe they have mastered the poker face, but in reality, if you’re thinking it, we can see it!
103. Attractive is not an adjective to be used to describe some, it’s a verb that can be utilized by anyone.
108. We have many different versions of ourselves: our work self, home self, after-hours self, hungry self, when-no-one-else-is-watching self and the version of self that may have been formed in reaction to past trauma. So which self are people referring to when they share that sentiment? I believe that the only true self is the one someone consistently chooses to be, and that simply points to the fact that you do have a choice. Thus, if who you’re choosing to be isn’t working, what’s so wrong with choosing to become something else?
109. Finally, it’s wise to think of learning about seduction as if you’re learning how to dance. The absolute best dancers know the choreography until it’s a part of them, until the moves are an effortless extension of their own.
112. I believe we should all have a baseline at rest, but at play, there’s nothing wrong with using extremes to keep people guessing--as long as you’re careful not to be contradictory (saying one thing and doing the other) because that certainly isn’t seductive.
125. Often when I begin a new project, I come across one person that rubs me the wrong way. When this happens, I start asking myself questions: do I see them exhibit the same problematic nature with others, or just me? Do they seem like a happy person? Have I noted that they often make decisions they feel good about, or are they constantly highly critical? If in the end I see a pattern with their behavior, I depersonalize my experience with them, then try my best going forward to let slights go because I’m not out to fix things that aren’t in my garage. But if I notice that there is no pattern and their relationship with me is the anomaly, I change. I troubleshoot the way I’ve interacted with them and try to switch my approach.
134. I call this the two to one ratio: for every one question that someone asks you, be mindful to ask them two in return.
135. In general, I’ll hear anyone out, but when it comes to making decisions, I only take heed to what happy people have to say. You have to ask yourself, if your mom or anyone else who has put this doubt in you, is happy with themselves.
136. Plus, even though change is the only constant in the world, that doesn’t mean transformations should be instant. When it comes to changing your character it’s more realistic to expect that process will happen at the same speed that rocks turn to sand. Of course, I hoped the program would speed up that erosion, but hope is all you can do when it comes to someone else’s personal journey.
137. … good habits are worth way more than perfect incidents. Meaning, if someone does something for you that’s kind of what you like, it’s more to your benefit to applaud them than to red-marker them.
153. Not everyone has to be the one; you just need to connect with great people who help you get closer to figuring out what you want.
164. “This is your life. You can be in the passenger seat hoping something will happen. Or you can actively drive your fate. Whether that means directly going after what you want or putting yourself in position to attract what you want. Either way you can’t just wait and hope for the best…”
165. People will make eye contact with someone they find attractive three separate times for three seconds each.
170. You should never be surprised by, or a victim, of someone else’s bad mood.
170. When you approach, ask a question; if they don’t ask one back, politely take your leave. This shows that they are selfish or insecure.
178. Influence is a lot like a knife: it can be used to create something wonderful or destroy something vulnerable.
179. While we are told to hide our weaknesses, there’s a lot to be said about the power of revealing them in a constructive way. 1) It gives people a clear lane to demonstrate how to add value to you. 2) People highly value authenticity and nothing demonstrates that better than vulnerability.
217. What is your religion?
What are your politics?
Do you live with anyone?
Do you smoke/drink/do drugs?
How’s your relationship with your parents?
What was your last relationship like?
Do you still talk to your ex?
What would your friends say your weak areas are?
Do you have a criminal record?
What do you think about sex on the first date?
Do you want kids?
Are you in any debt?
Where is this going?
235. Be the person you’ve always wanted to be in the company of people who excite you.
239. “… don’t be afraid to go for what you want because you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.”
253. “… when you make a mistake you have two choices: you can lose, or you can learn…”
253. … there is something magical that happens when you place yourself in a pressure cooker of change with others. With the stress, heat and discomfort of it all, you lose sight of why you went in to begin with and that confusion is necessary for a richer result. It’s best to throw everything out the window before committing yourself to change. You can’t make predictions on who you will become if you’ve never been that person before.
253. … she was in such a rush to get chosen that she was not just willing to, but dreaming of, forfeiting her right to choose.
254. Trust is a result of consistency over time. In plain words, you gotta do a lotta good before someone can give you a lil benefit of the doubt. This formula also holds true for our most important relationship of all, the one we share with self. And that was Stephanie’s next great assignment: rebuild that bridge between who she wanted to be and who she’d settled into becoming.
255. “Knowledge is power and power is the luxury of doing things your way…”
255. Her story exemplifies the power of manifestation: if you go into anything, be that a program or a relationship, believing to the point of knowing that it won’t work, you’re going to be right 90 percent of the time. So who’s to say the exact opposite can’t be true too? Faith is free and if you’re gonna choose to do something, you might as well choose to believe in it or else what’s the point in trying?
255. Maya showed that you can prove yourself wrong if you give yourself a chance to do something unexpectedly right.
255. Moral of the story, sometimes, yes, you need to reinvent the wheel to make it work for you. But other times, you just gotta remove the rock you wedged in front of it.
256. … there is no such thing as a lost cause. There is no un-pretty sister, undecorated Ivy League graduate, or unfit community member. You are not destined to make the wrong choices and to never be chosen--that reality has never existed, but you do. And who are you? You are a one-of-a-kind creator with infinite possibilities during your finite time on this planet. You, my dear, are whoever you consistently decide to be.
256. I absolutely know that you are an exceptional creator for one simple reason: someone created the English language I am typing in; a single person out there designed every item of clothing you’re wearing; the place you call home, someone constructed; the job you rush to, someone founded; and even the sauce you put on your french fries--another human being no different, no greater, no more capable or awesome than you Made. That. Shit. Up. So, if you’re not currently happy with what you have, what’s stopping you from making your own shit up?
256. … you don’t have to naturally have what it takes. You just have to be willing to learn the habits that can take you where you want to go.
257. … you make your own luck, even when you feel like you have no resources or favor to gamble with. Regardless of how life has let you down, you can’t let it keep you there. And if you are there, remember, you aren’t down because you can’t do any better, you’re there because you’ve allowed critical voices to speak louder than your true purpose. Dig deeper and fight because only you know the awesome things you’re capable of manifesting. It’s your time to run towards--not hide from--your unclaimed greatness. And I get it: change isn’t easy, but being stagnant hasn’t been all that simple either, has it? So, how much harder can it be to act on the chance that you do have what it takes to be with who you want--and to be who you want?
259. I just read that the most effective way to communicate to someone that you understand them is to put yourself imaginatively, in their shoes. If someone is telling you a tragic or exciting story, picture yourself in their exact position as they’re speaking. This will alter your facial expressions and communicate that you truly empathize and relate to their experience.
265. … negative people are a lot like thongs: you don’t realize how far up your ass they are until you remove them.
265. Skillful seduction is not a gift bestowed on the beautiful, it’s a series of learned behaviors acquired by the bold.
December 29, 2020
This was really fun.
May 4, 2022
This reminded me of Tim Ferriss' "4-hour" series, but for women who want to date better. Shan brings dating techniques together, for women, all in one place. In this book she runs several women thru these methods, bootcamp style, with the goal of skill to secure a high value match. Supplementary materials are available to help readers learn and use everything covered in the book, systematically.
Most people, especially women, will learn a lot about dating better from this book.
Most people, especially women, will learn a lot about dating better from this book.
October 2, 2019
This is a must read. I wish it was out when I was single, but has been an amazing tool even being married. I honestly fell like I know more about myself and my partner.
August 10, 2020
Good not great.
Seemed kind of shallow advice... except for the part where they say to smear pussy juice on your pressure points... that was lit.
Seemed kind of shallow advice... except for the part where they say to smear pussy juice on your pressure points... that was lit.
October 14, 2019
I started reading this on the fly while in a waiting room and was moderately interested until the author cited the Kinsey report. Citing the fraudulent works of an abusive pedophile masquerading as a legitimate scientist. NEXT!
August 27, 2019
The Game of Desire is a complete game changer! I’ve legit told all my single friends about it. I devoured it in 3 days! I feel much more attuned to myself and what I want after Shan’s book and homework—for real! Such an easy and fun read as well. I felt really connected to the women going through Shan's experiments and felt myself cheering for their success not just because they're great but also because it meant "if they can do it, so can I!"
July 30, 2019
I’ve followed Shannon for years now and quite frankly she is my ultimate girl crush. Only reason I wouldn’t give this 5 stars is because I generally do not enjoy self-help, especially not dating-related! But this isn’t any kind of self-help book. Shannon backs her theories with science and anecdotal evidence which I thoroughly enjoyed. That this book was centered around real life women made it all the more enjoyable.
August 7, 2019
Absolutely loved this book. I’ve followed Shan’s work for years so when she announced this book I was already all in. It took me a while to read because I don’t like when good books end too soon, but this book is full of so much information. Not only will it help you win at dating, but life in general. I will defiantly be going back to go through to work through the program. Everyone should read this book.
August 7, 2019
Loved this...
August 12, 2024
I received this book after a taping of The Real. Shan showed up and carried herself with so much class and grace after the whole Loni Love prejudice fiasco. I really enjoyed this book and would recommend this to any single girl who feels like they're in a funk and struggling to feel confident dating. I'm in a committed relationship at the moment but I definitely learned a thing or two after reading this book when it comes to dating. One thing I really appreciated was that Shan had the girls reflect on their past relationships and think about what they might have done wrong previously. I think that's great because we don't usually look back on friendships/relationships that went wrong and hold ourselves accountable for our failings in the demise of the relationship. Great job Shannon. (Also: Drake low-key told her to write this book. Like, WHAT?!)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 2, 2019
2.5
Not sure I am the best person to review this book as its main topic is dating and I am in a happy and monogamous marriage. But since Shannon, who I have been following for years now, stated that her book has something to teach to everyone, not only singles I decided to give it a try and preordered it.
My main complaint is that Shan tried to include so many different ideas and tips in only 300 pages that she ended up synthetizing everything to the point that it reads like a summary. Maybe she should have gone for a door stopper book like those of Tim Ferriss or Robert Greene...
Not sure I am the best person to review this book as its main topic is dating and I am in a happy and monogamous marriage. But since Shannon, who I have been following for years now, stated that her book has something to teach to everyone, not only singles I decided to give it a try and preordered it.
My main complaint is that Shan tried to include so many different ideas and tips in only 300 pages that she ended up synthetizing everything to the point that it reads like a summary. Maybe she should have gone for a door stopper book like those of Tim Ferriss or Robert Greene...
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