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When I Knew: A Smart and Hilarious Collection of LGBTQ+ Coming Out Stories―Art by New Yorker Illustrator Tom Bachtell
More than 100 contributors, including B.D. Wong, Arthur Laurents, Simon Doonan, Stephen Fry, Marc Shaiman, and Michael Musto share endearing anecdotes and stories about when they, their families, and everyone else knew they were gay.
128 pages, Paperback
First published May 31, 2005
1 person is currently reading
254 people want to read
About the author
Robert Trachtenberg
3 books6 followersROBERT TRACHTENBERG’s photographs have appeared in Entertainment Weekly, Rolling Stone, Esquire, the New York Times Magazine, People, and Vanity Fair, among other publications. Advertising clients include NBC, CBS, ABC, Netflix, Amazon, and HBO. Trachtenberg has written, produced, and directed several documentaries on such legendary entertainers as Gene Kelly, Cary Grant, and Bing Crosby. He is the winner of the Emmy Award for Outstanding Direction for his film Mel Brooks: Make a Noise. Trachtenberg is also the author of the book When I Knew (Harper Collins). He lives in Los Angeles, California. Visit www.roberttrachtenberg.com and Instagram @roberttrachtenberg.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
October 26, 2007
Let me put it this way: I knew in 1982 when I went to see Grease 2 - I wanted to be Michelle Pfeiffer and I wanted the Cool Rider in goggles to take me away on his motorcycle forever. Yeah, I'm a geek!
July 27, 2022
This was included in a "X pounds of books" box that I bought on eBay during Covid lockdown. It looked too silly to read, but I browsed it today and found it silly indeed, but also poignant. This is primarily intended for amusement, but it also squeezed a few teardrops out of my dubious eyes. That said, the highlight for me is Jon Kinnally's childhood obsession with the anonymous muscular-backed man pictured on the Doan's Pills box. I TOTALLY GET IT.
June 6, 2009
Cute stories from various people about when they realized they're gay. Most are humorous. All bring an insight to the perspective of gay kids.
It's obvious to me that people are born gay, they don't choose to be gay. I always wondered what it must be like for kids to sense there is something different about them but knowing it's not something they can openly talk about. How sad. Children need guidance and to be able to talk about the things that confuse them. How hard it must be if you are a gay kid and have to find your own way through the questions you have without a mentor or supporter who understands.
It's obvious to me that people are born gay, they don't choose to be gay. I always wondered what it must be like for kids to sense there is something different about them but knowing it's not something they can openly talk about. How sad. Children need guidance and to be able to talk about the things that confuse them. How hard it must be if you are a gay kid and have to find your own way through the questions you have without a mentor or supporter who understands.
March 13, 2018
Personally, I knew I was Queer while reading John Bunyan's Religious Allegory Pilgrim's Progress, specifically when Christian is wrestling with the demon Apollyon. I'm not sure if it was the wrestling or the Christian Allegory, I just remember for whatever reason suddenly stopping, looking up, and thinking, "Oh my god I'm gay." I was only half-right (I'm bisexual), but still this real sense of conviction is still something of a mystery to me, and if the reader wants my full coming out story I've shared a link to my site White Tower Musings below:
https://jsjammersmith.wordpress.com/2...
When I Knew is also part of my story because I remember being six years old and spotting the book in my local Barnes & Noble and being shocked and repulsed by the pink tie worn by the boy on the cover. I knew that the pink tie meant he was gay and being gay was "wrong." My what a little closet-case I was. When I found the book 22 years later I knew that pink meant gay, and by this time gay was no longer something to be repulsed by. Gay was Great, gay was beautiful, gay was fun and so I bought the book.
My stories here serve as both review and insight into this collection, because the book itself is structured exactly the same way. The reader given story after story, feeling after feeling, impression after impression of a wide variety of gay people writing about when they knew they were gay. There is some weakness of this book as bisexuals, pansexuals, transgenders, and asexuals are absent from the collection, but this absence is not a slight so much as it is just part of the methodology. Most of the people speaking are from previous generations and so the nuances of contemporary LGBTQ existence is going to be absent.
Still this book is a delight, and every story in this book is a delight. Some will break the reader's heart, while others will leave them laughing, and, if they're someone like me, they might begin to wonder about their own "moments" and wonder if they really wanted to see Brokeback just because they wanted to be an ally, or if they really wanted to read a 16th century religious allegory just for the "story."
https://jsjammersmith.wordpress.com/2...
When I Knew is also part of my story because I remember being six years old and spotting the book in my local Barnes & Noble and being shocked and repulsed by the pink tie worn by the boy on the cover. I knew that the pink tie meant he was gay and being gay was "wrong." My what a little closet-case I was. When I found the book 22 years later I knew that pink meant gay, and by this time gay was no longer something to be repulsed by. Gay was Great, gay was beautiful, gay was fun and so I bought the book.
My stories here serve as both review and insight into this collection, because the book itself is structured exactly the same way. The reader given story after story, feeling after feeling, impression after impression of a wide variety of gay people writing about when they knew they were gay. There is some weakness of this book as bisexuals, pansexuals, transgenders, and asexuals are absent from the collection, but this absence is not a slight so much as it is just part of the methodology. Most of the people speaking are from previous generations and so the nuances of contemporary LGBTQ existence is going to be absent.
Still this book is a delight, and every story in this book is a delight. Some will break the reader's heart, while others will leave them laughing, and, if they're someone like me, they might begin to wonder about their own "moments" and wonder if they really wanted to see Brokeback just because they wanted to be an ally, or if they really wanted to read a 16th century religious allegory just for the "story."
March 19, 2018
When I Knew is a collection of stories submitted by queer contributors telling the stories of coming out as gay, discovering they are gay, or being discovered as gay by family or community. Most stories are inspiring. Some are also heartbreakingly sad. This well designed, brightly coloured book was a pleasure to read. I alternately laughed aloud, caught tears just before they fell, had my stomach twist in empathy, and felt the warmth of lovingly crafted anecdotes of family acceptance.
I also found myself frustrated by the lack of diversity manifested in the book's contributors. The vast majority are male and white. Most are Boomers or old GenXers. Almost all of them are successful professionals. A significant number are West Coast Americans. As such, I doubt the book will be as applicable to the majority of queer readers as it will be to the tiny minority of LGBTQ persons worldwide who are professionally successful, white, middle aged gay American men from California or Oregon or Washington. Furthermore, many of the submissions are stories of young boys who simply acted against gender stereotypes, or worse, according to gay American stereotypes of the mid Twentieth Century. As such, the book is already a time capsule, valuable in its own way, but certainly one that will have fast diminishing impact on young queer persons as it ages.
☠
Coffee Table Style Trade Paperback
Dey Street, 2005
Three Stars
March 18-19, 2018
☠
I also found myself frustrated by the lack of diversity manifested in the book's contributors. The vast majority are male and white. Most are Boomers or old GenXers. Almost all of them are successful professionals. A significant number are West Coast Americans. As such, I doubt the book will be as applicable to the majority of queer readers as it will be to the tiny minority of LGBTQ persons worldwide who are professionally successful, white, middle aged gay American men from California or Oregon or Washington. Furthermore, many of the submissions are stories of young boys who simply acted against gender stereotypes, or worse, according to gay American stereotypes of the mid Twentieth Century. As such, the book is already a time capsule, valuable in its own way, but certainly one that will have fast diminishing impact on young queer persons as it ages.
☠
Coffee Table Style Trade Paperback
Dey Street, 2005
Three Stars
March 18-19, 2018
☠
December 31, 2022
Cute stories from various people about when they realized they're gay. Most are humorous. All bring an insight to the perspective of gay kids.
It's obvious to me that people are born gay, they don't choose to be gay. I always wondered what it must be like for kids to sense there is something different about them but knowing it's not something they can openly talk about. How sad. Children need guidance and to be able to talk about the things that confuse them. How hard it must be if you are a gay kid and have to find your own way through the questions you have without a mentor or supporter who understands.
It's obvious to me that people are born gay, they don't choose to be gay. I always wondered what it must be like for kids to sense there is something different about them but knowing it's not something they can openly talk about. How sad. Children need guidance and to be able to talk about the things that confuse them. How hard it must be if you are a gay kid and have to find your own way through the questions you have without a mentor or supporter who understands.
June 13, 2018
Difficult to give this a rating - 3 stars or 4? - I erred on the side of generosity.
This is a light and rather amusing take on the coming out side of being gay (mainly coming out to yourself for the first time). Rather whimsical, presumably as an antidote to counter-balance a lot of the dreadful coming out stories that get featured in books so often. Would do well as a coffee table or dinner party book to get stories going, or even to come out to others yourself - I can imagine people leaving it casually lying on their coffee table when Mum & Dad visit the new home for the first time.
This is a light and rather amusing take on the coming out side of being gay (mainly coming out to yourself for the first time). Rather whimsical, presumably as an antidote to counter-balance a lot of the dreadful coming out stories that get featured in books so often. Would do well as a coffee table or dinner party book to get stories going, or even to come out to others yourself - I can imagine people leaving it casually lying on their coffee table when Mum & Dad visit the new home for the first time.
July 4, 2017
Delightful!
November 8, 2018
Laugh out loud hysterical book!
June 30, 2019
lots of white males, few women, and POC. The story with the curious granny was sweet.
August 5, 2019
This was a cute book. I really liked the illustrations.
September 14, 2023
Just laugh out loud funny and touching.
May 11, 2025
Visit JetBlackDragonfly (The Man Who Read Too Much) at www.edenthompson.ca/blog
When I Knew is a collection of anecdotes and stories from people about when they first discovered they were gay. Entertainers, writers, designers, as well as executives, politicians, and sports coaches are included. Put together by photographer and director Robert Tractenberg, some are one-page paragraphs, and others are a few pages long. Smart, hilarious, and poignant, they fall into the categories of When I Knew, When My Parents Knew, When Everyone Else Knew, and the occasional coming out story.
HBO has made a documentary of the book, and it's currently on Netflix.
Teacher Michael Frank says, "When I was ten, I would put on my mother's leather evening gloves—they came all the way up to my elbows. I would sing 'Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend' into the mirror. One day, my mother walked in and caught me mid-song—I tried to cover, screaming out, 'To the Bat Cave, Robin!'" Writer Kate Neilsen had her mother take her back several times to see The Sound of Music; her mother thought she wanted to be a nun, not be Christopher Plummer so she could be with a nun! The stories are varied and entertaining. It's nice to hear upbeat coming-out stories, a positive trend.
There is a time in childhood when you are naturally outgoing and express yourself without reservations. When you know you are different from other boys and girls, you often have to tone that down and appear interested in things your gender is interested in. When we are grown up, we celebrate people who are different, but it's often hard to be yourself when you are a kid. It gets better!
This will appeal to people who have a childlike light and enthusiasm. We should all encourage creativity and discovery in kids, knowing it's fun, fine, and natural to explore. Anything that encourages kids (and people) to offer their true selves should be encouraged.
I highly recommend When I Knew for a good laugh and a reminder of the unrestrained kid in all of us.
"To the Bat Cave, Robin!"
When I Knew is a collection of anecdotes and stories from people about when they first discovered they were gay. Entertainers, writers, designers, as well as executives, politicians, and sports coaches are included. Put together by photographer and director Robert Tractenberg, some are one-page paragraphs, and others are a few pages long. Smart, hilarious, and poignant, they fall into the categories of When I Knew, When My Parents Knew, When Everyone Else Knew, and the occasional coming out story.
HBO has made a documentary of the book, and it's currently on Netflix.
Teacher Michael Frank says, "When I was ten, I would put on my mother's leather evening gloves—they came all the way up to my elbows. I would sing 'Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend' into the mirror. One day, my mother walked in and caught me mid-song—I tried to cover, screaming out, 'To the Bat Cave, Robin!'" Writer Kate Neilsen had her mother take her back several times to see The Sound of Music; her mother thought she wanted to be a nun, not be Christopher Plummer so she could be with a nun! The stories are varied and entertaining. It's nice to hear upbeat coming-out stories, a positive trend.
There is a time in childhood when you are naturally outgoing and express yourself without reservations. When you know you are different from other boys and girls, you often have to tone that down and appear interested in things your gender is interested in. When we are grown up, we celebrate people who are different, but it's often hard to be yourself when you are a kid. It gets better!
This will appeal to people who have a childlike light and enthusiasm. We should all encourage creativity and discovery in kids, knowing it's fun, fine, and natural to explore. Anything that encourages kids (and people) to offer their true selves should be encouraged.
I highly recommend When I Knew for a good laugh and a reminder of the unrestrained kid in all of us.
"To the Bat Cave, Robin!"
October 18, 2011
Enjoyable and humorous little stories of men and women (mostly men)about when they discovered they were gay. Sample story: "I knew I was gay when the most exciting part of my Bar Mitzvah was meetilng with the party planner."
The photographs are interesting, but not exceptional.
I think I would recommend this book to gay teens. It's a very easy read book.
The photographs are interesting, but not exceptional.
I think I would recommend this book to gay teens. It's a very easy read book.
January 1, 2016
An inspiring collection of stories paired with beautiful, thoughtful pictures and photographs. The simple truth told well, through memory. Stories are written by many people about the moment they realized they were gay. Appropriate for all. I am so glad this is on our high school library shelf.
February 11, 2008
It's a nice book to have on the coffee table as it's full of short stories and big pictures that can be taken on one at a time.
When you sit down looking for something to read and immerse yourself in, this is not the best choice.
When you sit down looking for something to read and immerse yourself in, this is not the best choice.
October 22, 2008
It was just okay. The anecdotes seemed superficial and bland, most conforming to people's awareness in their sexuality being directly linked to recognition of gay stereotypes. I thought it would be more moving. Only one or two anecdcotes fit that bill.
July 16, 2009
Gay men and women shared when they knew they were gay or when they came out to their families. Most were pretty hilarous, like the guy who held Miss America pagents everysummer with his siter using beach towels as gowns.
March 23, 2016
A very charming collection of "A-Ha!" moments. Some funny, some touching, a few too many realizations tied to a love of fashion or some sort of design aesthetic, but now I'm just being picky. Special mention to the Kevin Williamson entry: would make a great 1-minute film.
May 22, 2007
Delightful, funny vignettes of the exact moment that people--some famous, some not--knew that they were gay.
July 30, 2007
Kitschy, but cute.
August 18, 2007
This is a book filled with times when people "knew"...Witty, funny, and I can relate!
November 19, 2007
Each page (or two) reflects on one person course to realization. There's a promise that there'll be laugher, crying , etc.
January 6, 2009
A fabulous coffee table book with great photos and a hilarious collection of coming out stories from people of all ages. Witty, slightly invasive, and an insanely great idea for a book.
September 2, 2008
i really really enjoyed this - my only complaint is, like most things queer, it seems to include mainly white gay men
April 15, 2009
A hilarious book.
October 26, 2010
good collection only wish it was longer
May 28, 2011
Very sweet book about that eureka/a-ha moment of the realization of sexual orientation. Sometimes funny, sometimes touching, always beautiful. Nice art, too.
November 12, 2015
All wonderful but my "favorite" is from Jess Cagle.
Read
January 23, 2016Tries to walk a fairly delicate line between funny and heartfelt and doesn't quite nail it. Or perhaps I just wanted stories to be longer than a sentence. Hm.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews