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The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss
In this thoroughly revised and updated classic, a renowned psychologist shows that mourning is far from predictable, and all of us share a surprising ability to be resilient
The conventional view of grieving--encapsulated by the famous five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance--is defined by a mourning process that we can only hope to accept and endure.
In The Other Side of Sadness, psychologist and emotions expert George Bonanno argues otherwise. Our inborn emotions--anger and denial, but also relief and joy--help us deal effectively with loss. To expect or require only grief-stricken behavior from the bereaved does them harm. In fact, grieving goes beyond mere sadness, and it can actually deepen interpersonal connections and even lead to a new sense of meaning in life.
The conventional view of grieving--encapsulated by the famous five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance--is defined by a mourning process that we can only hope to accept and endure.
In The Other Side of Sadness, psychologist and emotions expert George Bonanno argues otherwise. Our inborn emotions--anger and denial, but also relief and joy--help us deal effectively with loss. To expect or require only grief-stricken behavior from the bereaved does them harm. In fact, grieving goes beyond mere sadness, and it can actually deepen interpersonal connections and even lead to a new sense of meaning in life.
368 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
215 people are currently reading
2385 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 143 reviews
April 25, 2012
This book is written by someone unable to grieve - it was upsettingly detached. Anyone currently struggling with acute, intense loss, steer clear.
May 19, 2010
I tried reading this last year about 6 months after my son died, and couldn't finish it. I lost my mother 20 years ago, and my father a year before my son. His subject for a bereaved parent was a close friend who lost a daughter in New York on 9-11. Not very objective. He had a couple meetings with her toward the end of the first year of the daughter's death. He discussed with her how "well" she was doing. She had created a foundation in her daughter's name and was functioning, could laugh, go to work, dress, etc. From his obersavtion he was amazed to see she had moved through her grief in a very short time. He would have been better interviewing many breaved 5 years after the death to be more objective. It's within the second year that the bereaved often realize it was an automatic pilot type of functioning. I did flip through the book to review some of the more scientifc findings, and took it back to the library. I found the book to be one that promotes the attitude toward the bereaved today: What's wrong with you? It's been a year, get over it. If grief or therapy professionals use this model to help patients, I feel for the patients.
March 14, 2010
His thesis is essentially, "It's ok to get over your grief quickly!" Which I frankly don't find all that helpful or relevant.
March 22, 2020
Perhaps this book all comes down to this: there is no one way to grieve, and there is no wrong way to grieve.
Taking information from various studies he's learned from and conducted, Bonanno analyzes the 5 stages of grief, and how they do not account for the entire grieving process. Taken from his subject's stories (with their permission) he recounts the times in which the 5 stages of grief seem almost nonexistent, from someone who didn't seem to grieve at all, to someone who couldn't stop grieving even after 3 years. Through the ups and downs, nobody's grieving ever looks the same, and grief will always be different considering how death can shatter all sorts of relationships around us. For instance, our grief for our mother may be different than the grief we have for our father. Who's to say?
Certainly, though grieving doesn't necessarily look the same to everyone, he does suggest trying to get a sense of normalcy without pushing it. If you're feeling depressed, you have every right to be! Someone just died! But try not to feel guilty over laughing about a stupid internet joke. It's okay to still feel happiness and joy in the midst of the grieving process, and Bonanno wants you to remember that.
This was a really interesting book for me. I feel like I read a lot of nonfiction about death and dying, but not as much about the grieving process, save for a chapter or two in larger works about how our culture feels about the process of death. So, this book certainly gave me a lot of new information to think about, and in a really palatable way, as well.
Review cross-listed here!
Taking information from various studies he's learned from and conducted, Bonanno analyzes the 5 stages of grief, and how they do not account for the entire grieving process. Taken from his subject's stories (with their permission) he recounts the times in which the 5 stages of grief seem almost nonexistent, from someone who didn't seem to grieve at all, to someone who couldn't stop grieving even after 3 years. Through the ups and downs, nobody's grieving ever looks the same, and grief will always be different considering how death can shatter all sorts of relationships around us. For instance, our grief for our mother may be different than the grief we have for our father. Who's to say?
Certainly, though grieving doesn't necessarily look the same to everyone, he does suggest trying to get a sense of normalcy without pushing it. If you're feeling depressed, you have every right to be! Someone just died! But try not to feel guilty over laughing about a stupid internet joke. It's okay to still feel happiness and joy in the midst of the grieving process, and Bonanno wants you to remember that.
This was a really interesting book for me. I feel like I read a lot of nonfiction about death and dying, but not as much about the grieving process, save for a chapter or two in larger works about how our culture feels about the process of death. So, this book certainly gave me a lot of new information to think about, and in a really palatable way, as well.
Review cross-listed here!
November 17, 2013
Everyone experiences the losses of important people in their world. Because of this truth, when one seeks the help of a Mental Health professional, one of the major areas of evaluation during intake is to assess the level of grief each individual. The language of “Grief Work” or the “Work of Mourning” is deeply ingrained the nomenclature of counseling profession, accepted as a matter-of-course as a result of the “research” of grief and its effects. Grief is thought to be of such importance that a mentor once tutored me that, in regards to treating individuals, “any session that is held without an awareness of the (client’s) grief is incomplete.” Dr. Bonano addresses this issue, using his extensive, original research and the work of other scientists, in this easily comprehended, documented tome.
The author credit’s Sigmund Freud with the original idea of “the Work of Mourning” but also indicates that this is one of his less developed concepts. As has become true with many of his concepts, Freud’s grief ideas became codified and the field of “Grief Work” was born. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her work with the terminally ill, developed “the stages” an individual experienced as they faced their nearing death. Those stages (the term “stages” lends an inaccurate understanding of the experience) were broadened to include everyone facing any (and all) moments of grief. Dr. Bonano argues the data indicates the broad application of Dr. Kubler-Ross’ findings is misguided, as grief is universal, personal, fluid and cannot be limited to a step-by-step event that can “completed.” Grief will be intense at points but those moments will be relatively brief for the majority of those experiencing bereavement. For the 15% of the population whose bereavement does become entrenched, Dr. Bonano states, what is felt is close to a Post-Traumatic Stress event caused by the loss. Eventually, with VERY limited exceptions, those who grieve or are bereaved will re-engage with life. Often, this reconnecting occurs within hours of the loss. Grief does not have to be, nor is it normally, debilitating or routine.
Within the last seven months, I have faced the deaths of: an uncle, four friends, and the spouse of a friend; of those six deaths, only one, my uncle, was expected. In my work, I sit with people who are actively grieving on a regular basis. What Dr. Bonano writes in this relatively slim volume rings with deep truths of my encounter. I have both experienced and seen in my clients the responses indicated by the author’s research.
The information cited by Dr. Bonano is sourced in a broad spectrum of experience, time, culture and history. His discussion of the bereavement practices in Asia is intriguing; reading it lent perspective to how my culture responds to bereavement, specifically funerals. The term “comfort food” had to have originated in an attempt to describe what is provided at a Southern Funeral. The Chinese, according to this book, burn joss paper representations of the things “needed” by the departed in their life beyond this one, we Southerners cry ourselves silly then eat ourselves into a near coma. Both responses have the same goal, to remember the departed and restore the living to life.
The author credit’s Sigmund Freud with the original idea of “the Work of Mourning” but also indicates that this is one of his less developed concepts. As has become true with many of his concepts, Freud’s grief ideas became codified and the field of “Grief Work” was born. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her work with the terminally ill, developed “the stages” an individual experienced as they faced their nearing death. Those stages (the term “stages” lends an inaccurate understanding of the experience) were broadened to include everyone facing any (and all) moments of grief. Dr. Bonano argues the data indicates the broad application of Dr. Kubler-Ross’ findings is misguided, as grief is universal, personal, fluid and cannot be limited to a step-by-step event that can “completed.” Grief will be intense at points but those moments will be relatively brief for the majority of those experiencing bereavement. For the 15% of the population whose bereavement does become entrenched, Dr. Bonano states, what is felt is close to a Post-Traumatic Stress event caused by the loss. Eventually, with VERY limited exceptions, those who grieve or are bereaved will re-engage with life. Often, this reconnecting occurs within hours of the loss. Grief does not have to be, nor is it normally, debilitating or routine.
Within the last seven months, I have faced the deaths of: an uncle, four friends, and the spouse of a friend; of those six deaths, only one, my uncle, was expected. In my work, I sit with people who are actively grieving on a regular basis. What Dr. Bonano writes in this relatively slim volume rings with deep truths of my encounter. I have both experienced and seen in my clients the responses indicated by the author’s research.
The information cited by Dr. Bonano is sourced in a broad spectrum of experience, time, culture and history. His discussion of the bereavement practices in Asia is intriguing; reading it lent perspective to how my culture responds to bereavement, specifically funerals. The term “comfort food” had to have originated in an attempt to describe what is provided at a Southern Funeral. The Chinese, according to this book, burn joss paper representations of the things “needed” by the departed in their life beyond this one, we Southerners cry ourselves silly then eat ourselves into a near coma. Both responses have the same goal, to remember the departed and restore the living to life.
August 4, 2020
My husband died a few days after our 47th wedding anniversary this year and I read this book as an exploration of grieving. Our marriage was a happy and productive one, as both of us were committed to one another’s growth and happiness.
What I love most about The Other Side of Sadness is its reliance on data to tell the story of grief. As a retired social scientist, I love data. And the data contradict many mainstream beliefs about grief. The dominant paradigm suggests that losing a spouse is a devastating event that begins a process of grief work in stages that must be mastered in order to progress toward normalcy. This stage theory doesn’t seem to be based on much hard data. Bonnano instead engages with a series of studies to suss out what is really happening. Many recently bereaved people are powerfully engaged in a resilient response to the death of a loved one.
What I love most about The Other Side of Sadness is its reliance on data to tell the story of grief. As a retired social scientist, I love data. And the data contradict many mainstream beliefs about grief. The dominant paradigm suggests that losing a spouse is a devastating event that begins a process of grief work in stages that must be mastered in order to progress toward normalcy. This stage theory doesn’t seem to be based on much hard data. Bonnano instead engages with a series of studies to suss out what is really happening. Many recently bereaved people are powerfully engaged in a resilient response to the death of a loved one.
March 15, 2013
This book was exactly what I needed -- an affirming and hopeful read that helped me connect my head (and intellectualizing why I feel the way I do about the loss of my loved one) and my heart (all the whys and what ifs and oh-my-God he's gone and how to fill the seemingly impossible hole he's left in our lives). It gave me the intellectual permission I needed to grieve, a heads up for when that grief might be problematic, and the heart-warming hope that time will heal and that I will be resilient. Thank you, George.
August 16, 2014
There's an anecdote in the book about a woman who lost her daughter in the World Trade Center on 9/11. Of course...obviously...she would rather have not lost her daughter, but in reflection, she said that it probably ended up making her a better person. She thought about people differently and she treated people differently because of it. That’s just one of the many unexpected things I learned about from reading Dr. George A. Bonanno’s surprisingly uplifting book which also turns to research (by Bonanno and others) to debunk many of the damaging myths people hold about grief.
September 2, 2015
I was disappointed in the end. Was looking for a scientific approach to grief (which the title promises) but the author completely loses the plot at the 'afterlife' section. I felt very much as if he was pushing his own beliefs and substantiating them with selective research. The first part held promise - but that only serves to worsen my disappointment. Overall, I don't find the book very scientific at all.
January 1, 2023
I liked this more than the other books I’ve read on bereavement. I like the science approach and the discussions around human resilience - that, in essence, it’s human survival that helps us move on but that doesn’t mean we forget.
July 24, 2012
Helped me tremendously after the loss of my husband. Gave me the hope I needed to move forward.
June 21, 2024
This isn't a book about how to deal with grief; it shouldn't be read that way. It's an account of the theory of grief, myths and beliefs about grief work and what research actually tells us about these.
Some of the fundamental points it makes is that grief isn't experienced or processed in fixed stages, that it is experienced and lived differently by different people and in different cultures, and that we as humans already have several essential traits that help us deal with grief.
Looking at grief as something that has to be 'worked through' and something that necessitates going to a grief counsellor are assumptions that are contrary to what research has shown in relation to many grieving people and how they deal with their grief and loss.
Living in a world that now almost seems to push therapy as a mandatory panacea to all intense emotional experiences, I found this a refreshing and helpful read.
Some of the fundamental points it makes is that grief isn't experienced or processed in fixed stages, that it is experienced and lived differently by different people and in different cultures, and that we as humans already have several essential traits that help us deal with grief.
Looking at grief as something that has to be 'worked through' and something that necessitates going to a grief counsellor are assumptions that are contrary to what research has shown in relation to many grieving people and how they deal with their grief and loss.
Living in a world that now almost seems to push therapy as a mandatory panacea to all intense emotional experiences, I found this a refreshing and helpful read.
July 30, 2020
Three weeks ago I lost my 51 yr. old husband to a sudden heart attack. After the initial shock wore off, I found that I wanted (needed!) a book to help me intellectually understand the tumult of feelings that I was experiencing. As someone who worked in mental health for many years, I am well aware of the problems with the Kubler-Ross model of grief, so anything involving the so-called five stages of grief was out. Likewise, I had/have no interest in self-help books. What I needed was actual science--hard research--about death and grieving.
Bonanno's book satisfied that need...and then some. In many ways, his approach is more anthropological than psychological; that is, rather than spending time describing the emotions associated with loss, Bonanno begins with a history of emotional development in the human species. After explaining the practical, evolutionary purposes of sadness and anger in ancient humans, he uses longitudinal research and case studies to explain the ways in which these emotions (including the grief-driven oscillation between the two) have evolved to help humans endure loss. Bonanno then uses the middle section of his book to address the scientifically problematic aspects of several mainstream theories about grief. Finally, Bonanno ends by exploring quantitative and qualitative data about the ways in which the death rituals of non-Western cultures can aid the grieving process--even though they are rooted in ancient beliefs rather than hard science.
Although my grief is new, I came away from this book feeling validated in my feelings and hopeful about my ability to navigate the process successfully.
Bonanno's book satisfied that need...and then some. In many ways, his approach is more anthropological than psychological; that is, rather than spending time describing the emotions associated with loss, Bonanno begins with a history of emotional development in the human species. After explaining the practical, evolutionary purposes of sadness and anger in ancient humans, he uses longitudinal research and case studies to explain the ways in which these emotions (including the grief-driven oscillation between the two) have evolved to help humans endure loss. Bonanno then uses the middle section of his book to address the scientifically problematic aspects of several mainstream theories about grief. Finally, Bonanno ends by exploring quantitative and qualitative data about the ways in which the death rituals of non-Western cultures can aid the grieving process--even though they are rooted in ancient beliefs rather than hard science.
Although my grief is new, I came away from this book feeling validated in my feelings and hopeful about my ability to navigate the process successfully.
June 14, 2015
A strange book. Part statistical, part biographical, part polite and overall unbiased reconnaissance of spiritual beliefs, part tourist guide. An interesting reading to give yourself a paradigm on how we deal with death, it says what people do, how it can go wrong and mostly how the people that handle it better manage to do so. It's not a self help book, and as the author says you should probably avoid this and any other book on dealing with death up to 4-6 months from a traumatic event, but it's easy to compare it to your own experience.
Some parts are slow, but I liked how describing Hiroshima and the author's personal story about the loss of his father made things more interesting.
The author uses real life examples from people he interviewed and at some point it can be confusing, if you don't remember who was who, but you'll appreciate how later on he makes an effort to give some qualifiers along the names so it's easier to recall their back story.
February 24, 2014
I picked this up under the burden of grieving for my father, and it was just the book I needed. Highly recommended, illuminating and wise.
June 23, 2018
I'd recommend this book for anyone who has known someone going through grief, or to someone just trying to understand what grief looks like. I thought the author brought an interesting perspective to the grieving process -- what we've generally been taught is "normal" stages of grief isn't necessarily so. Based on his and others' research on the subject it seems that the people who just can't seem to get over a loss and move on are the abnormal ones. Most of us are "resilient" and will continue to function normally in life, with periods of sadness that gradually lessen over time. Helpful to know that just because someone isn't showing obvious outwards signs of grief that doesn't mean they aren't grieving properly, or that they are repressing the process, and that trying to force that process upon them (as in through grief counseling or incident debriefing) can actually be harmful to the grieving person. I found the first 4 or 5 chapters to be very interesting and useful, but when the author started getting into different ways of viewing the afterlife I started skimming and skipping. I would have given it a higher rating if not for those chapters.
October 31, 2016
I started reading this book immediately after my son died and was encouraged to read that most people are resilient in the face of loss. I was also encouraged to read that methods of coping vary tremendously. Then I put the book down for many months and only recently picked it up again. It's very helpful and I highly recommend it, not just for those who have lost loved ones, but for those who "can't imagine what it's like."
July 23, 2017
This is a book for clinicians, plain and simple. Bonanno's theory is that the science of resilience proves that you will be better eventually, because as humans we are built to persevere. That sort of information is probably helpful to professionals in a clinical setting, and could certainly be folded into part of a sympathetic response to someone suffering... But in a book, it came off as cold and unsympathetic to the profoundly painful struggle of "moving on."
February 5, 2023
This book was, to put it simply, atrocious. Once we look over the spelling and grammar mistakes, we find a collection of statements that offer no comfort whatsoever. If you are currently grieving the loss of a loved one, do not touch this book. It’s made the grieving process that much more difficult for me, and I honestly wish I hadn’t read this.
May 31, 2010
Have learned a lot from this book. Those 5 stages of grieving were originally for people who were dying, not for people who lost someone. More later...
November 11, 2019
It started off so strong and then faded rapidly after about halfway through. The digressions at the end of the book about his trips to China and his brief summaries of how non-Western cultures act after a death seemed like padding to me.
Perhaps he felt the need to pad the book because there still isn't a lot of current research about bereavement? I was surprised at how many therapists still follow outdated & incorrect research. Freud? Really?!
Some quotes from the book:
Grief is a human experience. It is something we are wired for and it is certainly not meant to overwhelm us.
Bereavement is a powerful experience and it can dramatically shift our perspective.
Sadness slows us down and turns our attention inward.
Grief is tolerable because it comes and goes in a kind of oscillation - just like all our other bodily functions (breathe in/out, awake/asleep etc). The wavelike nature of grief. Grief is not static.
ALL emotions are ephemeral. They are short terms reactions to immediate demands on us yet it always seems as if the emotion will last forever.
If there is one constant in grief, it is that most bereaved people idealize their lost loved one.
About 10-15% of people who have a loved one die will feel extreme prolonged grief, which is marked by yearning. It is different than clinical depression, whose symptoms have no object.
The person suffering from extreme prolonged grief feels yearning, emptiness and isolation, which are all part of their feelings of dependency (financial, emotional) whether true or not. They feel an exaggerated need for care, protection & nurturing even when they are actually capable.
The best way to pay tribute to loved ones is not through your own pain and suffering but by living on as fully as possible.
Perhaps he felt the need to pad the book because there still isn't a lot of current research about bereavement? I was surprised at how many therapists still follow outdated & incorrect research. Freud? Really?!
Some quotes from the book:
Grief is a human experience. It is something we are wired for and it is certainly not meant to overwhelm us.
Bereavement is a powerful experience and it can dramatically shift our perspective.
Sadness slows us down and turns our attention inward.
Grief is tolerable because it comes and goes in a kind of oscillation - just like all our other bodily functions (breathe in/out, awake/asleep etc). The wavelike nature of grief. Grief is not static.
ALL emotions are ephemeral. They are short terms reactions to immediate demands on us yet it always seems as if the emotion will last forever.
If there is one constant in grief, it is that most bereaved people idealize their lost loved one.
About 10-15% of people who have a loved one die will feel extreme prolonged grief, which is marked by yearning. It is different than clinical depression, whose symptoms have no object.
The person suffering from extreme prolonged grief feels yearning, emptiness and isolation, which are all part of their feelings of dependency (financial, emotional) whether true or not. They feel an exaggerated need for care, protection & nurturing even when they are actually capable.
The best way to pay tribute to loved ones is not through your own pain and suffering but by living on as fully as possible.
January 22, 2020
For me, this book redeemed itself when Bonanno began talking about his experience in China and delved into his own grief process. I thought his notion of resilience was interesting but question how applicable it is to many people who are working through grief. I liked how he discussed the meaning of grief and death in other cultures, but was a bit thrown off by the resilience piece overall.
June 12, 2024
2.5 ⭐️
Reinforced the amazing resilience humans have, especially in the face of loss. I appreciated learning about different cultures and bereavement rituals, but overall felt as though my professional and personal experiences with loss differed greatly from some things shared. It left me wanting to do more study on attachment styles and bereavement!
Reinforced the amazing resilience humans have, especially in the face of loss. I appreciated learning about different cultures and bereavement rituals, but overall felt as though my professional and personal experiences with loss differed greatly from some things shared. It left me wanting to do more study on attachment styles and bereavement!
Read
October 7, 2019For class
November 20, 2018
I bought this book in search of comfort, having suffered several losses in the past two years. It was difficult to select because there are so many on the subject. However, a lot of material written by bereaved people is very emotional and raw emotions are too much for me, at this early stage.
This book is relatively short and quite uneven, but I found some interesting ideas
1. People grieve differently, both according to their personality and the depth of the connection with the deceased. This seems quite obvious, but somehow different “degrees” of suffering are expected. For instance, it is taken for granted that losing a child must be more painful than losing a parent - but why? Emotions are by definition irrational and pain cannot be measured
2. People in the West have a tougher time dealing with death. Science explained many things and we are pretty much done with the afterlife, but the sadness (even despair) of actually seeing a beloved creature lying dead, is not mitigated by science. Maybe somebody finds comfort in knowing we are made of the same stuff of stars and dying is inevitable, but during the first weeks of bereavement that did not work for me
3. Rituals help the living, even if no religious belief is involved. A funeral may be the celebration of a life, but after the burial or the cremation, the bereaved are expected to get on with life. In Eastern traditions, a little shrine can be dedicated to the departed to establish a permanent connection
4. The “five stages” of grief are a coping strategy to help terminally ill people. They do not apply to grief. It is not as if once you are through with “anger” you can move to “bargaining” to be closer to the exit into the “normal world”
The author mentions some case studies and he himself lost his father in his twenties. They had a conflictual relationship and I had the impression that not much “grief work” was involved dealing with that loss. He mentions a case of “prolonged grief” - a widow for whom her husband was the centre of her life and whose co-dependent relationship caused serious problems.
The most puzzling case study was of a mother who lost her adult daughter in 9/11. Despite the fact that PTSD is acknowledged as a complication of grief, this woman who went back to work a week after her daughter’s death is mentioned as a good example of successfully copying with grief.
I am all in favour of healthy recoveries and against morbid prolonging of extremely unpleasant feelings, but a week seems a bit fast to stroll back to the office… again, Western attitude of “getting over it”?
My conclusions:
Mixed, unpleasant feelings (inclusive of guilt) are almost inevitable following the death of a loved one. The physical expressions of sorrow signal to others that we are in need of comfort (or space to be left alone). Unfortunately, people’s sympathy tend to wear out rather quickly, especially in the West. The need for prolonged support is hardly ever acknowledged.
You should do whatever works for you to minimise the pain, regardless of public opinion. Frowning may be expected about shrines and ritual burning of paper as they do in China, but if it makes you feel better, why not? Definitely not recommended surrounding oneself with the deceased possessions, obsess about all the things said (or not said) and guilty feelings
Finally, grief is not a competition. You do not need to prove that you loved the deceased more than anybody else, by suffering longer and deeper than others.
This book is relatively short and quite uneven, but I found some interesting ideas
1. People grieve differently, both according to their personality and the depth of the connection with the deceased. This seems quite obvious, but somehow different “degrees” of suffering are expected. For instance, it is taken for granted that losing a child must be more painful than losing a parent - but why? Emotions are by definition irrational and pain cannot be measured
2. People in the West have a tougher time dealing with death. Science explained many things and we are pretty much done with the afterlife, but the sadness (even despair) of actually seeing a beloved creature lying dead, is not mitigated by science. Maybe somebody finds comfort in knowing we are made of the same stuff of stars and dying is inevitable, but during the first weeks of bereavement that did not work for me
3. Rituals help the living, even if no religious belief is involved. A funeral may be the celebration of a life, but after the burial or the cremation, the bereaved are expected to get on with life. In Eastern traditions, a little shrine can be dedicated to the departed to establish a permanent connection
4. The “five stages” of grief are a coping strategy to help terminally ill people. They do not apply to grief. It is not as if once you are through with “anger” you can move to “bargaining” to be closer to the exit into the “normal world”
The author mentions some case studies and he himself lost his father in his twenties. They had a conflictual relationship and I had the impression that not much “grief work” was involved dealing with that loss. He mentions a case of “prolonged grief” - a widow for whom her husband was the centre of her life and whose co-dependent relationship caused serious problems.
The most puzzling case study was of a mother who lost her adult daughter in 9/11. Despite the fact that PTSD is acknowledged as a complication of grief, this woman who went back to work a week after her daughter’s death is mentioned as a good example of successfully copying with grief.
I am all in favour of healthy recoveries and against morbid prolonging of extremely unpleasant feelings, but a week seems a bit fast to stroll back to the office… again, Western attitude of “getting over it”?
My conclusions:
Mixed, unpleasant feelings (inclusive of guilt) are almost inevitable following the death of a loved one. The physical expressions of sorrow signal to others that we are in need of comfort (or space to be left alone). Unfortunately, people’s sympathy tend to wear out rather quickly, especially in the West. The need for prolonged support is hardly ever acknowledged.
You should do whatever works for you to minimise the pain, regardless of public opinion. Frowning may be expected about shrines and ritual burning of paper as they do in China, but if it makes you feel better, why not? Definitely not recommended surrounding oneself with the deceased possessions, obsess about all the things said (or not said) and guilty feelings
Finally, grief is not a competition. You do not need to prove that you loved the deceased more than anybody else, by suffering longer and deeper than others.
August 1, 2011
This book has been on my reading list for a long time. I figured that, with the recent, sudden passing of my mother, now would be a good time to finally read a book about bereavement.
This is not a how-to about working your way through grief. Rather, it is what the byline suggests, a look at what the latest research suggests about the mechanics of human bereavement. Bonanno is a psychologist whose field of research is grief, so he knows what he's talking about. Much to my surprise, this is a fairly new field of research; a lot of what was previously viewed as canon about bereavement has, in fact, now been disproved by researchers such as Bonanno. So forget those "five stages" and forget the idea that grief as to be "work" - Bonanno shows that, like most things in life, there's not just one way to grieve.
In a lot of ways, I really liked this book. Bonanno's research mirrors my own personal experience with grief. Having recently weathered some accusations that I wasn't grieving in the "right way," this book put the anxiety I felt about such accusations to rest. Bonanno shows that there is no "right way," so to speak. Rather, there are three general types of grieving - there is that small group that suffers from deep, intense grief that they find difficult to recover from; a small group that will work through a period of deep grieving that eventually evens out over time; and then there's the rest of us, what he calls the "resilient type," people who are generally okay in the face of death, although we have our ups and downs.
It's great to read about bereavement from someone who (supposedly anyway) actually knows what he's talking about, rather than previous psychologists, such as Freud, who posited theories about the topic without ever doing research into it (and whose theories became canon). However, Bonanno lost me in the last two chapters, where he goes on and on about the religious aspect of bereavement, something that I don't personally relate to. I'm a tried and true agnostic who has never once wondered where my loved ones have "gone" after death. I believe that I'll find out when I get there - if there's a "there" to get to. So I didn't really need to read two chapters about what other people speculate about the afterlife, at least not in a book about bereavement. But maybe that's just me - it might work perfectly fine for other readers.
This is not a how-to about working your way through grief. Rather, it is what the byline suggests, a look at what the latest research suggests about the mechanics of human bereavement. Bonanno is a psychologist whose field of research is grief, so he knows what he's talking about. Much to my surprise, this is a fairly new field of research; a lot of what was previously viewed as canon about bereavement has, in fact, now been disproved by researchers such as Bonanno. So forget those "five stages" and forget the idea that grief as to be "work" - Bonanno shows that, like most things in life, there's not just one way to grieve.
In a lot of ways, I really liked this book. Bonanno's research mirrors my own personal experience with grief. Having recently weathered some accusations that I wasn't grieving in the "right way," this book put the anxiety I felt about such accusations to rest. Bonanno shows that there is no "right way," so to speak. Rather, there are three general types of grieving - there is that small group that suffers from deep, intense grief that they find difficult to recover from; a small group that will work through a period of deep grieving that eventually evens out over time; and then there's the rest of us, what he calls the "resilient type," people who are generally okay in the face of death, although we have our ups and downs.
It's great to read about bereavement from someone who (supposedly anyway) actually knows what he's talking about, rather than previous psychologists, such as Freud, who posited theories about the topic without ever doing research into it (and whose theories became canon). However, Bonanno lost me in the last two chapters, where he goes on and on about the religious aspect of bereavement, something that I don't personally relate to. I'm a tried and true agnostic who has never once wondered where my loved ones have "gone" after death. I believe that I'll find out when I get there - if there's a "there" to get to. So I didn't really need to read two chapters about what other people speculate about the afterlife, at least not in a book about bereavement. But maybe that's just me - it might work perfectly fine for other readers.
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January 19, 2014This accessible but research-based book looks at the various ways in which people grieve, and concludes that the notions of "grief work" and stages of grief (taken from Kubler-Ross's work on people who were themselves dying) are not supported by evidence. People grieve in different ways and differently for different people, and resilience after the death of a loved one doesn't mean that one is repressing grief.
Given that I've lost what seems like a ridiculous number of friends and family members in the last few years, I'd say the author makes a good case. The extent of my grief has varied considerably, and I don't think I've repressed any of it. The loss of people who were old and went through a long decline has not violently upset me, although it has made me sad and prompted me to miss them. There are other deaths that may cause me pain for the rest of my life, although I don't think about them all the time anymore. Grief is individual both in terms of the person who grieves and in terms of the particular loss.
The comparison with grief rituals in China was interesting and suggests that while grief is natural to humans (and for that matter other mammals, but the book doesn't go into that), its manifestation is strongly affected by culture.
Given that I've lost what seems like a ridiculous number of friends and family members in the last few years, I'd say the author makes a good case. The extent of my grief has varied considerably, and I don't think I've repressed any of it. The loss of people who were old and went through a long decline has not violently upset me, although it has made me sad and prompted me to miss them. There are other deaths that may cause me pain for the rest of my life, although I don't think about them all the time anymore. Grief is individual both in terms of the person who grieves and in terms of the particular loss.
The comparison with grief rituals in China was interesting and suggests that while grief is natural to humans (and for that matter other mammals, but the book doesn't go into that), its manifestation is strongly affected by culture.
October 12, 2013
This is the most current book of which I am aware reporting on this subject and directed toward the general population.
Bonanno examines the evidence for the validity of the conventional five-stage grief model and finds it not just lacking but non-existent. His own research reporting begins with the human capacity for resilience and demonstrates that most of us possess and use this trait in the aftermath of any tragedy. His findings show that we regularly experience brief moments of happiness and joy even in the earliest days of our bereavement/loss. Grief, like other bodily processes, fluctuates in an oscillatory pattern in our lives; Bonanno says this is especially true of emotions and their claim on our attention and actions.
While Bonanno does not discount those who experience deep despair following the death of a loved one, he does report that many of us move back into our normal lives without significant impairment within six months of the loss event. This book and Bonanno’s work deserve much wider attention than they have received to date.
Bonanno examines the evidence for the validity of the conventional five-stage grief model and finds it not just lacking but non-existent. His own research reporting begins with the human capacity for resilience and demonstrates that most of us possess and use this trait in the aftermath of any tragedy. His findings show that we regularly experience brief moments of happiness and joy even in the earliest days of our bereavement/loss. Grief, like other bodily processes, fluctuates in an oscillatory pattern in our lives; Bonanno says this is especially true of emotions and their claim on our attention and actions.
While Bonanno does not discount those who experience deep despair following the death of a loved one, he does report that many of us move back into our normal lives without significant impairment within six months of the loss event. This book and Bonanno’s work deserve much wider attention than they have received to date.
May 30, 2024
Augļa labsajūtu mēra sirdstoņu pierakstā, skumjas - pētījumu ciparos. Ko tu racionālam padarīsi... Tīk man zinātne un eksaktums. Un to vienu zvaigzni noņēmu, jo biju izbrīnīta, cik daudz rituāla, mistiskā un parsonīgā tomēr bija grāmatā. Nevarētu teikt, ka neiederīgi. Bet negaidīju. Tāda nefleksibla cilvēka atriebība grāmatas autoram. Ai, kā šis fleksibilitātes trūkums man atspēlētos patiesa zaudējuma brīdī. Bet varbūt arī nē. Varbūt es būtu starp tiem 85-90% cilvēku, kuriem sērošanas "darbs" notiek parasti, ikdienišķi, veselīgi. Pilnībā atgūstot dzīves normālību, spējot nodefinēt jauno dzīves "normālību" - arī pēc liela zaudējuma.
July 20, 2022
I found a lot that was useful and hopeful here. Some parts I skipped completely because they don't apply to me at all. This book is clearly meant to present the author's research and contribute to the overall understanding of how grief works, rather than to guide people who are actively grieving. Still, I found it helpful to read about people surviving their grief and basically functioning well relatively quickly--I need something to give me hope! I can understand why some newly bereaved people would not find this comforting, though--just depends what you need and are ready to hear.
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