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Positive Discipline: The First Three Years: From Infant to Toddler--Laying the Foundation for Raising a Capable, Confident Child
Make a Difference During the Most Important Years of Your Child's Life
The months leading up to the birth of a child are filed with joy, dreams, plans—and a few worries. As a caring parent, you want to start your child out in life on the proper foundation. But where do you go for the answers to such questions How do I communicate with an infant who doesn't understand words? How can I effectively teach boundaries to my toddler? Should I ever spank my child?
Over the years, millions of parents just like you have come to trust Jane Nelsen's classic Positive Discipline series. These books offer a commonsense approach to child-rearing that so often is lacking in today's world. In Positive The First Three Years , you'll learn how to use kind but firm support to raise a child who is both capable and confident. You'll find practical solutions and solid advice on how
•Encourage independence and exploration while providing appropriate boundaries
•Use non-punitive methods to instill valuable social skills and positive behavior inside and outside the home
•Recognize when your child is ready to master the challenges of sleeping, eating, and potty training, and how to avoid the power struggles that often come with those lessons
•Identify your child's temperament
•Understand what the latest research in brain development tells us about raising healthy children
•And much, much more!
Containing real-life examples of challenges other parents and caregivers have faced, Positive The First Three Years is the one book that no parent should be without.
The months leading up to the birth of a child are filed with joy, dreams, plans—and a few worries. As a caring parent, you want to start your child out in life on the proper foundation. But where do you go for the answers to such questions How do I communicate with an infant who doesn't understand words? How can I effectively teach boundaries to my toddler? Should I ever spank my child?
Over the years, millions of parents just like you have come to trust Jane Nelsen's classic Positive Discipline series. These books offer a commonsense approach to child-rearing that so often is lacking in today's world. In Positive The First Three Years , you'll learn how to use kind but firm support to raise a child who is both capable and confident. You'll find practical solutions and solid advice on how
•Encourage independence and exploration while providing appropriate boundaries
•Use non-punitive methods to instill valuable social skills and positive behavior inside and outside the home
•Recognize when your child is ready to master the challenges of sleeping, eating, and potty training, and how to avoid the power struggles that often come with those lessons
•Identify your child's temperament
•Understand what the latest research in brain development tells us about raising healthy children
•And much, much more!
Containing real-life examples of challenges other parents and caregivers have faced, Positive The First Three Years is the one book that no parent should be without.
304 pages, Paperback
First published August 19, 1998
718 people are currently reading
2409 people want to read
About the author
Jane Nelsen
132 books170 followersDr. Jane Nelsen is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in South Jordan, UT and Carlsbad, CA.
She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.
She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 237 reviews
March 9, 2011
I had to stop when I got to the chapter on eating. Are these authors for real? This is an actual line in the book: "La Leche League suggests expressing (that is, pumping) breast milk into a bottles and freezing it (it looks like milky dishwater) . . .". Really??? Dishwater???? Goes on to say "keeping babies on the bottle or breast after they are ready to stop may squelch the first blossoming of their sense of autonomy.". Huh?? I'd like to meet a child that is forced to breastfeed after they are ready to stop!!! This book claims you should look for the signs of weaning readiness between 10-12 mos. But don't worry!! "Missing this opportunity for weaning isn't a traumatic, life-damaging experience". Phew, close call there!! I could go on but I'll spare whoever reads this review.
June 11, 2010
This book was great in parts, disappointing in others. Nothing new, really, but lots of good reminders of what is helpful and what is self-defeating in dealing with toddlers. I think the biggest disappointment for me about the book is the authors' apparent attitude toward childcare. They seemed to be advocating a child being in a high-quality childcare center over being at home with the mother. At the very least, they presented them as equally good choices.
To me, this really discredits them. It seems obvious that if a child is with the same adult every day, all day, there will be a much great chance of achieving the consistency that is essential to good discipline. Not to mention the host of other benefits to the child, mother, marriage, and entire family when a mother is able to be home.
I know that it is not always possible for a mother to stay home, and I admire and applaud those mothers who put in a full day of work, and then come home and give all they have to their families all evening and all night. What women! But if a book is claiming to be interested in the welfare of the child, and the best ways to discipline, it seems an obvious error to think that there is no difference between a child being home with a mother or being in a child care. Can you tell this is a bit of a soap box for me? But really. Leaving all other issues aside, just consider two situations: one child is with his mother all day and receives her disciplinary style all day every day, while another child is at daycare most of the day and learns the disciplinary style there, and then goes home to a whole different style that he has to adjust to. How confusing! I have a friend who nannies, and she recently quit a job because of this very issue.
I have no problem with them including a chapter on child care, as they did. I think that's terrific! But I think it reflects either huge misunderstandings, or a desire to be more "modern" or whatever, for them to fail to make the point that it is most ideal, if possible, for a child to be home with the mother.
I'm sorry if I've offended or annoyed. This is just my ax to grind with these authors.
To me, this really discredits them. It seems obvious that if a child is with the same adult every day, all day, there will be a much great chance of achieving the consistency that is essential to good discipline. Not to mention the host of other benefits to the child, mother, marriage, and entire family when a mother is able to be home.
I know that it is not always possible for a mother to stay home, and I admire and applaud those mothers who put in a full day of work, and then come home and give all they have to their families all evening and all night. What women! But if a book is claiming to be interested in the welfare of the child, and the best ways to discipline, it seems an obvious error to think that there is no difference between a child being home with a mother or being in a child care. Can you tell this is a bit of a soap box for me? But really. Leaving all other issues aside, just consider two situations: one child is with his mother all day and receives her disciplinary style all day every day, while another child is at daycare most of the day and learns the disciplinary style there, and then goes home to a whole different style that he has to adjust to. How confusing! I have a friend who nannies, and she recently quit a job because of this very issue.
I have no problem with them including a chapter on child care, as they did. I think that's terrific! But I think it reflects either huge misunderstandings, or a desire to be more "modern" or whatever, for them to fail to make the point that it is most ideal, if possible, for a child to be home with the mother.
I'm sorry if I've offended or annoyed. This is just my ax to grind with these authors.
January 20, 2015
This book would get a higher rating if it weren't for some grossly inaccurate, misleading, and what I consider dangerous statements regarding nursing:
It says "keeping babies on the bottle or breast after they are ready to stop may squelch the first blossoming of their sense of autonomy.". Really? I don't know about other kids, but you definitely can't keep mine at the breast if he doesn't want to be there. The book also notes to watch for signs of being ready to wean between 10-12 months, which is way sooner than baby led weaning occurs. Never fear, though: "Missing this opportunity for weaning isn't a traumatic, life-damaging experience". Gee, thanks for the reassurance.
They also throw out this lovely tidbit: "La Leche League suggests expressing (that is, pumping) breast milk into a bottles and freezing it (it looks like milky dishwater) . . .". Gee, thanks for comparing breastmilk to dishwater because there are no better color comparisons out there...
I'm also not a fan of their chapter on sleep, though I do appreciate that they at least recognize cosleeping/family bed as an option many families use, and don't just throw it under the rug and say never to do it.
Moving on, ignoring the nursing and sleeping sections, there were some things I could relate to, found encouraging, and use or would use in dealing with my toddler, though. It reinforced to me about getting down on his level/his eyesight to have conversations and see the world through his eyes, which I do, but not often enough. I also liked much of the discussion on autonomy - I need to work on letting my 2-1/2 year old do more, instead of swooping in and doing for him. In that vein, the book encourages learning through exploration and play, and those parts of the book were enjoyable to me, and things with which I agree.
It says "keeping babies on the bottle or breast after they are ready to stop may squelch the first blossoming of their sense of autonomy.". Really? I don't know about other kids, but you definitely can't keep mine at the breast if he doesn't want to be there. The book also notes to watch for signs of being ready to wean between 10-12 months, which is way sooner than baby led weaning occurs. Never fear, though: "Missing this opportunity for weaning isn't a traumatic, life-damaging experience". Gee, thanks for the reassurance.
They also throw out this lovely tidbit: "La Leche League suggests expressing (that is, pumping) breast milk into a bottles and freezing it (it looks like milky dishwater) . . .". Gee, thanks for comparing breastmilk to dishwater because there are no better color comparisons out there...
I'm also not a fan of their chapter on sleep, though I do appreciate that they at least recognize cosleeping/family bed as an option many families use, and don't just throw it under the rug and say never to do it.
Moving on, ignoring the nursing and sleeping sections, there were some things I could relate to, found encouraging, and use or would use in dealing with my toddler, though. It reinforced to me about getting down on his level/his eyesight to have conversations and see the world through his eyes, which I do, but not often enough. I also liked much of the discussion on autonomy - I need to work on letting my 2-1/2 year old do more, instead of swooping in and doing for him. In that vein, the book encourages learning through exploration and play, and those parts of the book were enjoyable to me, and things with which I agree.
January 18, 2010
Positive Discipline's ideas and advice about raising children really feels right for me as a parent. Their most basic point is to have a consistent "kind but firm" manner when disciplining your child - kind to show that you validate their feelings and respect them as their own person, but firm to let them know you mean business. On a day to day level this approach really takes lots of patience, but when doing it, and seeing it work, it just feels right. Another strong point they make is that when children misbehave it is usually because they are feeling like they don't belong, and want to participate. I realized that often when my son was "being bad" it was because I was failing to involve him in some way with whatever was going on because I just had to get stuff done. I realized that by letting him "help" me with chores, like washing dishes, switching laundry etc. - even if it took a little longer or was a little messier is a great way for us to connect and for him to feel important. This book helped remind me what "discipline" really means - "to teach" NOT "to punish" and that punitive punishment really only cultivates fear, shame, resentment and rebellion in children throughout their lives. I am not saying that PD encourages permissive parenting - the theory and tools provided in this book help us to understand that it is better to guide them into cooperation rather than to force them.
February 4, 2009
Why do I keep reading parenting books? I don't like them that much. I'm usually just reading to find someone who validates my own ideas about how I should parent--and I'll never find a perfect match, because nobody else has ever had my daughter. I know her best and I need to trust my intuition. So if I'm just going to tune out the parenting books as soon as they say something I don't already know, what's the point in reading them?!
Still...the I'm-almost-2-years-old-now-and-I'm-mad-that-you-don't-understand-everything-I-want tantrums have been getting to me, so I picked this book up at the library. I liked the theoretical underpinnings of the book--that babies and toddlers see the world differently than their parents so their developmental stages need to be understood and respected, that non-punitive behavior-guidance methods work better and build better relationships than spanking and punishment, and that parents should work on both attachment and autonomy with their toddlers. So I was surprised when I got to the section on sleeping, eating and toileting, when the author advocated cry-it-out and said that breastfeeding is no better than formula feeding (and a number of other things that I didn't agree with).
*Sigh.* I just need to kick the parenting book habit, I think.
Still...the I'm-almost-2-years-old-now-and-I'm-mad-that-you-don't-understand-everything-I-want tantrums have been getting to me, so I picked this book up at the library. I liked the theoretical underpinnings of the book--that babies and toddlers see the world differently than their parents so their developmental stages need to be understood and respected, that non-punitive behavior-guidance methods work better and build better relationships than spanking and punishment, and that parents should work on both attachment and autonomy with their toddlers. So I was surprised when I got to the section on sleeping, eating and toileting, when the author advocated cry-it-out and said that breastfeeding is no better than formula feeding (and a number of other things that I didn't agree with).
*Sigh.* I just need to kick the parenting book habit, I think.
November 4, 2012
Ch. 4: "A word about attachment...Erik Erikson found that an infant's development of a sense of trust in the first year of life is directly related to a mother's sense of trust in herself."
Ch. 5: Temperament
Activity level
Rhythmicity - how consistent & predictable a child's eating, sleeping, bowel movements
Approach or withdrawal
Adaptability
Sensory threshold
Quality of Mood
Intensity of reactions
Distractibility
Persistence and attention span
Ch. 9: Self Reliance & Confidence
"Children under the age of 3 do not understand 'no' in the way most parents think they do. 'No' is an abstract concept that is in direct opposition to the developmental need of young children to explore their world and to develop their sense of autonomy and initiative....(A child's) behavior is not yet truly intentional....toddlers lack the ability to understand cause and effect in the same way adults do."
"With children from birth to age 3, it is best to say no with actions instead of words."
Ch. 10: Development of Emotional Skills & Language
Temper tantrums: "Giving in is not the answer...what do you think your child is learning and deciding when he has a temper tantrum and you give in? Our guess is that he has just learned a negative life skill: do whatever it takes to get people to let you have your way. He may be deciding, 'I'm loved when people give me whatever I want.'"
"Instead...you might pick up your screaming child and carry him to the car. Do this with a calm, kind and firm manner. Allow him to have his feelings. He will learn (eventually) that he can survive disappointment - a very good life skill. There are three reasons to avoid words:
1. He can't hear them anyway
2. Often, words are like throwing fuel on the fire
3. Silence reminds you to stay calm
Ch. 5: Temperament
Activity level
Rhythmicity - how consistent & predictable a child's eating, sleeping, bowel movements
Approach or withdrawal
Adaptability
Sensory threshold
Quality of Mood
Intensity of reactions
Distractibility
Persistence and attention span
Ch. 9: Self Reliance & Confidence
"Children under the age of 3 do not understand 'no' in the way most parents think they do. 'No' is an abstract concept that is in direct opposition to the developmental need of young children to explore their world and to develop their sense of autonomy and initiative....(A child's) behavior is not yet truly intentional....toddlers lack the ability to understand cause and effect in the same way adults do."
"With children from birth to age 3, it is best to say no with actions instead of words."
Ch. 10: Development of Emotional Skills & Language
Temper tantrums: "Giving in is not the answer...what do you think your child is learning and deciding when he has a temper tantrum and you give in? Our guess is that he has just learned a negative life skill: do whatever it takes to get people to let you have your way. He may be deciding, 'I'm loved when people give me whatever I want.'"
"Instead...you might pick up your screaming child and carry him to the car. Do this with a calm, kind and firm manner. Allow him to have his feelings. He will learn (eventually) that he can survive disappointment - a very good life skill. There are three reasons to avoid words:
1. He can't hear them anyway
2. Often, words are like throwing fuel on the fire
3. Silence reminds you to stay calm
April 1, 2016
I couldn't even read this book all the way through. It's overall condescending tone was just too much to handle. I do not need to be told ten times a chapter that "Who said parenting was easy?" and "parenting is hard work, did you think it would be easy?" And "you're a parent, it's not about you anymore."
No kidding. Thank you for assuming that your readers are selfish and inherently stupid.
Then, ironically after hammering into our head that you must respond with absolute perfection to every situation or risk scarring your offspring irreparably, they then completely abandon all talk of respect for the child's feelings and says you gotta let them scream themselves to sleep so they feel independent when they "learn" how to "self soothe". Because every infant/young toddler while supposedly not having the cognitive ability to decide whether or not to touch the stereo again suddenly develops the emotional maturity to determine that being abandoned in a dark room and ignored when they're tired is actually an exercise in independence that is for their own good. Yes. That makes sense. Not to mention that one of their main reasons is because adults just don't want to give up that hour of adult conversation with their spouse, or the chance to read a chapter of a book without interruption. So, what happened to "parenting is hard, deal with it"?
And let's not even BEGIN on their heinous opinions on breastfeeding. "Dirty dishwater"? REALLY? Makes them too dependent? "Forcing a child to stay on the breast and bottle longer than they want to". I'd like to see the authors try to get a toddler to nirse whem he doesn't want to. Haha! Not to mention, do you know ANYTHING about science or biology? Apparently not, as the worldwide average for weaning is 4 years old, not 10-12 months.
Definitely do not recommend.
No kidding. Thank you for assuming that your readers are selfish and inherently stupid.
Then, ironically after hammering into our head that you must respond with absolute perfection to every situation or risk scarring your offspring irreparably, they then completely abandon all talk of respect for the child's feelings and says you gotta let them scream themselves to sleep so they feel independent when they "learn" how to "self soothe". Because every infant/young toddler while supposedly not having the cognitive ability to decide whether or not to touch the stereo again suddenly develops the emotional maturity to determine that being abandoned in a dark room and ignored when they're tired is actually an exercise in independence that is for their own good. Yes. That makes sense. Not to mention that one of their main reasons is because adults just don't want to give up that hour of adult conversation with their spouse, or the chance to read a chapter of a book without interruption. So, what happened to "parenting is hard, deal with it"?
And let's not even BEGIN on their heinous opinions on breastfeeding. "Dirty dishwater"? REALLY? Makes them too dependent? "Forcing a child to stay on the breast and bottle longer than they want to". I'd like to see the authors try to get a toddler to nirse whem he doesn't want to. Haha! Not to mention, do you know ANYTHING about science or biology? Apparently not, as the worldwide average for weaning is 4 years old, not 10-12 months.
Definitely do not recommend.
September 22, 2010
It will make you think differently about your child's "misbehavior". The main theme of the book is that kids learn (and their brains develop) through exploration and play. Kids that seem like they are acting out or being bad when they hit or get into things are usually just exploring their bodies and their surroundings. They are developing ideas about what they are capable of. Kids need guidance with rules, but they can be taught good behaviors without punishment and actually turn out better developmentally--not spoiled.
I am still reading it and as I am reading I am also seeing my own discipline style changing and growing to fit the needs of my child better and he is responding really well! We are both learning to trust each other more and that is helping him to follow rules when I ask him to do something.
I am still reading it and as I am reading I am also seeing my own discipline style changing and growing to fit the needs of my child better and he is responding really well! We are both learning to trust each other more and that is helping him to follow rules when I ask him to do something.
September 28, 2010
The book was barely about discipline- there was really only one chapter about it, but it still had some good information and gets you to think more about your child's point of view before getting upset at them and about letting them be involved in what your doing and help them to become more independent by helping them find solutions to their problems with your prompting. I wish they provided more examples to show the discipline concepts they talked about. The beginning of the book referenced studies to back up their points, but not the part I was really interested in- the discipline. I would probably give it 3 stars because it does have some good information, but I'm only giving it 2 because it wasn't good at giving me what I thought it was going to help me with.
March 2, 2010
This book says that any negative disciple will place self doubt and poor self esteem in kids. It does not recommend time out, spanking or saying NO. It tells to lead by example. For instance, if your child tries to play with the stereo, instead of saying no, redirect them to their toys, even if it takes 1,000 times. I don't have a toddler but I don't know very many people with the time or patience to do what this author says.
April 7, 2019
There were some good tips/ideas to try but the philosophy of child discipline is so different now than how I was raised. I'm still working on truly changing my mindset. It's all about inviting cooperation rather than consequences and punishment. I question the practicality of some of these methods but I am trying to implement them. I am reading another book that I like better than this one.
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July 11, 2015Was very disappointed with this book (read up to around 40% in). Partly this is because I'm definitely not its intended audience, having been learning about, observing, and to small extent practicing PD for years. But I also wouldn't recommend it to a newcomer, at least based on what I've read so far.
Much of the book takes a very high-pressure tone, making the decisions parents make and attitudes they take seem (to me, at least) extremely easy to mess up in a way that severely harms their child. There are sections that try to reassure parents that mistakes are OK, but they struck me as afterthoughts and didn't outweigh the preceding discussion. I do think taking parenting seriously is important, but the way this was presented seems like it is more likely to just add stress to an already worried parent (it did for me before I took a step back) than to encourage good decision-making.
I found myself needing to pull on my previous knowledge of PD to even really understand what Nelson was trying to say. It's hard to know how it would come off to someone just learning the basics, but it seemed like there was a lot of repetition of phrases like "kind and firm" or "non-punitive" without really describing what those things mean or why they're important.
Finally, at least up until the point I stopped the book doesn't do a very good job at all explaining what kinds of limits are appropriate to set. The framework it gives of "you have to meet the child's needs but not necessarily all of their wants" seems really unhelpful for the kinds decisions I'm expecting to make, which in this context I'd phrase as "how do I know which wants I should meet?". I doubt most parents coming to this book will have trouble feeding, cleaning, providing shelter, etc. for their babies!
Much of the book takes a very high-pressure tone, making the decisions parents make and attitudes they take seem (to me, at least) extremely easy to mess up in a way that severely harms their child. There are sections that try to reassure parents that mistakes are OK, but they struck me as afterthoughts and didn't outweigh the preceding discussion. I do think taking parenting seriously is important, but the way this was presented seems like it is more likely to just add stress to an already worried parent (it did for me before I took a step back) than to encourage good decision-making.
I found myself needing to pull on my previous knowledge of PD to even really understand what Nelson was trying to say. It's hard to know how it would come off to someone just learning the basics, but it seemed like there was a lot of repetition of phrases like "kind and firm" or "non-punitive" without really describing what those things mean or why they're important.
Finally, at least up until the point I stopped the book doesn't do a very good job at all explaining what kinds of limits are appropriate to set. The framework it gives of "you have to meet the child's needs but not necessarily all of their wants" seems really unhelpful for the kinds decisions I'm expecting to make, which in this context I'd phrase as "how do I know which wants I should meet?". I doubt most parents coming to this book will have trouble feeding, cleaning, providing shelter, etc. for their babies!
January 24, 2008
I enjoyed the Preschool version, and since I have a toddler too, figured I'd take a look at this one. Basically a retread, includes many passages verbatim from the Preschool version, plus some advice about newborns - perhaps that would be helpful for a new parent, but I skipped it. Also surprising that they recommend CIO and say that a 4 month old baby is "manipulating" you when they cry for you. Bad advice, IMO.
June 11, 2017
I gave up on this book. There were some helpful pieces, but then other parts that I couldn't agree with (like, around infant sleep) and at one point I wondered if these people were even parents (re: breastfeeding). There are so many better parenting books. If you're looking for something more useful, try Sarah Ockwell-Smith or Gordon Neufeld.
July 23, 2022
Fantastic resource! I was surprised it was written in 1998. It’s basically a textbook for modern “gentle/respectful parenting” techniques. I don’t agree with everything in it, most notably, the chapter on sleep. It doesn’t make any sense to me that a book so adamant about connection and attachment, advocates for a cry it out method. A lot of the tips could be considered a bit simplistic. It’s not quite as easy as they make it seem. My son is speech delayed and doesn’t understand a lot of “reasoning” that the techniques rely on. The chapter on special needs didn’t really go into any specifics on how to modify their techniques for these kids. I will definitely look into reading the other books in the Positive Discipline series. A lot of the negative reviews come from the opinions on working parents, and I’m a SAH/WFH mom so I tend to agree with what they said. The most helpful thing for me was the reminder to parent the child I have - learn his unique temperament and abilities and go from there. And to recognize what is developmentally normal and to lower my expectations a bit. For example, it’s not practical to expect my 2 year old to be able to regulate his emotions and have impulse control. The book can be summed up by this: be calm, kind, and firm. Put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to consider how they may be feeling. A little empathy and connection can go a long way.
June 9, 2021
I was so confused by all the bad reviews I saw until I realized this is a book targeted for Mothers…of course there will be differences of opinions and controversial topics! 😂
This book is full of information that is backed by science and research and touches on a wide variety of topics! It’s organized to be read and then used as a reference when dealing with particular situations and behaviors.
I like that it also gives you a perspective from the toddler's point of view that sometimes we, as parents, may forget. It makes you realize that sometimes the toddler is behaving the way he's supposed to (developmentally), even though it might not align with what we think.
I for one, absolutely loved it!! It’s full of excellent guidance and is incredibly useful .. especially for first time parents!
This book is full of information that is backed by science and research and touches on a wide variety of topics! It’s organized to be read and then used as a reference when dealing with particular situations and behaviors.
I like that it also gives you a perspective from the toddler's point of view that sometimes we, as parents, may forget. It makes you realize that sometimes the toddler is behaving the way he's supposed to (developmentally), even though it might not align with what we think.
I for one, absolutely loved it!! It’s full of excellent guidance and is incredibly useful .. especially for first time parents!
February 19, 2019
أن تكوني أمّا هو أمر يشبه إلي حد بعيد سكب الماء من اﻹبريق يمكنك فقط ملء عدد محدود من الأكواب من دون إعادة ملء الإبريق.
تعلمي قدر ما تستطيعين اطلبي المساعدة عندما تحتاجين إليها انسي إمر الطفل الخارق , شاهدي , اسمعي و تعلمي فهم طفلك و الأهم من كل شئ امتلكي الشجاعة للثقة بحكمتك الخاصة لا وجود لتحد أكبر من التربية و لا وجود لواجب يستحق مكافأة أعظم
كنت أتمني ألا أنتهي من هذا الكتاب كتاب رائع بكل المقاييس و اﻷهم أنه يخاطبك أنت كأم و كإنسان.
قرأت نسخته المترجمه للعربية عن دار أكاديميا انترناشيونال لم تكن الترجمه رائعه لكنها كانت مقبوله و مغهومة.. أنصح كل أم بقرائتة
June 15, 2023
Fantastic book at teaching positive discipline and useful to understand young children’s ability to comprehend at different stages HOWEVER very outdated advice on sleeping and breastfeeding. Considering the who and nhs recommend breastfeeding till 2 this book advises early weaning and sleep training which both disrupt breastfeeding. For better advice look up possums sleep interventions which have evidence based sleep appropriate interventions that don’t include cry it out and help to assist with breastfeeding and maternal mental well-being or the la leche website.
February 13, 2021
There was good parts and then parts I just skimmed over.
I liked the positive discipline sections of the book.
I didnt enjoy reading the sections on sleeping, eating or childcare as they dont fit in my way of parenting.
Being kind, consistent, removing and redirection. Not saying no all the time.... i actually didnt realize how often i was saying no. Im working on changing that.
Some good examples of what to say instead and actions to take.
Like all parenting... I take bits and pieces from different theories that work into my parenting style.
Easy to read, good examples and reinforced some practices I believe in.
I liked the positive discipline sections of the book.
I didnt enjoy reading the sections on sleeping, eating or childcare as they dont fit in my way of parenting.
Being kind, consistent, removing and redirection. Not saying no all the time.... i actually didnt realize how often i was saying no. Im working on changing that.
Some good examples of what to say instead and actions to take.
Like all parenting... I take bits and pieces from different theories that work into my parenting style.
Easy to read, good examples and reinforced some practices I believe in.
January 16, 2022
Be kind & be firm!
November 22, 2017
Life changing!
February 9, 2023
I don’t know how exactly to review parenting books. They all tout their years of experience as mothers/fathers/childcare-specialists/psychiatrists/professors and thereby reinforce their theories, and without doing a ton of Googling and research that I am not at all inclined to do I have no way to verify their assertions. I must simply take their statements of expertise at face value and derive what value I can from their personal anecdotes.
There was a lot I agree with in this book. They stress the importance of preventative discipline, or the idea that distraction and preparation can avoid a lot of toddler meltdowns and is more effective than shouting or losing one’s temper would be. They don’t include very many extreme examples or exceptions to their rules, insisting that these methods will work for every child and in every situation. They repeat over and over that no child is ever “bad,” just experiencing appropriate development, and that I can’t totally agree with. Kids are sometimes willful and hurtful on purpose and not just because they are exploring new interests, and I would have liked to see some more examples of that kind of behavior. Maybe they consider themselves to be offsetting most parents’ natural tendency to yell and punish rather than deal with a situation calmly and therefore didn’t talk about any exceptions to their rules, but I felt like they were trying to beat me down with their own opinions rather than having an honest discussion.
Despite that concern, the book had a lot of useful information and is a good reminder that many problems can be taken care of without getting into power struggles. The book correctly encourages the adults to act like the adults and to model calm conflict resolution rather than tantrums for the whole family. I felt encouraged to slow down in my dealings with my own daughter and look for other solutions.
There was a lot I agree with in this book. They stress the importance of preventative discipline, or the idea that distraction and preparation can avoid a lot of toddler meltdowns and is more effective than shouting or losing one’s temper would be. They don’t include very many extreme examples or exceptions to their rules, insisting that these methods will work for every child and in every situation. They repeat over and over that no child is ever “bad,” just experiencing appropriate development, and that I can’t totally agree with. Kids are sometimes willful and hurtful on purpose and not just because they are exploring new interests, and I would have liked to see some more examples of that kind of behavior. Maybe they consider themselves to be offsetting most parents’ natural tendency to yell and punish rather than deal with a situation calmly and therefore didn’t talk about any exceptions to their rules, but I felt like they were trying to beat me down with their own opinions rather than having an honest discussion.
Despite that concern, the book had a lot of useful information and is a good reminder that many problems can be taken care of without getting into power struggles. The book correctly encourages the adults to act like the adults and to model calm conflict resolution rather than tantrums for the whole family. I felt encouraged to slow down in my dealings with my own daughter and look for other solutions.
September 22, 2013
As with most parenting books, I got a few good ideas from this one but I have to give it one star because of the false information on breastfeeding/weaning and contradictory attitude toward sleep.
Good stuff: Instead of 'NO' try to think of what you want your child to do instead. I have found this tip quite useful. Also the emphasis on offering choices (which of course I've seen elsewhere) is a good reminder - though it doesn't always go as neatly as the authors suggest.
Bad Stuff: Um, no, your baby doesn't want to wean at 10 months. Yikes. Both the AAP and the WHO recommend (based on decades of research) breastfeeding until 2 for the emotional and physical health of the child. So how can 1 year be "extended" breastfeeding? It burns me a little that they put dangerous misinformation like that into a book.
Even more bad stuff: So there you are, being all positive with your darling baby. Holding you temper in check. Not saying "NO" when they hit you, but rather gently and sympathetically redirecting them each time all day long. But once the sun goes down -- all bets are off! No more nice mommy, no more respectful treatment. Sleep when I tell you, in your own room, all alone, screaming in terror if necessary! This seems so at odds with their daytime philosophy. A child is a child and worthy of your respect and compassion no matter the time of day or night. Leaving your child to scream for "2 or 3 nights" is not respectful of his/here humanity NOR respectful to your feelings as a parent.
And one last thing -- please, please authors of parenting books - stop saying, 'Did you think being a parent was going to be easy?' I've heard it too many times.
Good stuff: Instead of 'NO' try to think of what you want your child to do instead. I have found this tip quite useful. Also the emphasis on offering choices (which of course I've seen elsewhere) is a good reminder - though it doesn't always go as neatly as the authors suggest.
Bad Stuff: Um, no, your baby doesn't want to wean at 10 months. Yikes. Both the AAP and the WHO recommend (based on decades of research) breastfeeding until 2 for the emotional and physical health of the child. So how can 1 year be "extended" breastfeeding? It burns me a little that they put dangerous misinformation like that into a book.
Even more bad stuff: So there you are, being all positive with your darling baby. Holding you temper in check. Not saying "NO" when they hit you, but rather gently and sympathetically redirecting them each time all day long. But once the sun goes down -- all bets are off! No more nice mommy, no more respectful treatment. Sleep when I tell you, in your own room, all alone, screaming in terror if necessary! This seems so at odds with their daytime philosophy. A child is a child and worthy of your respect and compassion no matter the time of day or night. Leaving your child to scream for "2 or 3 nights" is not respectful of his/here humanity NOR respectful to your feelings as a parent.
And one last thing -- please, please authors of parenting books - stop saying, 'Did you think being a parent was going to be easy?' I've heard it too many times.
April 13, 2018
Perhaps this book deserves 3.5 stars. Nelson has a lot of good ideas for kindly teaching your very young children snd babies. I was interested in her stories as examples.
One suggestion I liked was when she was talking about being kind, validating your child's feelings, but still being firm. She said if it's time to leave the park and your child (obviously) doesn't want to, don't negotiate. After the brief warning, if you child cries, say, "I see that you are sad because you want to stay at the park, and it's time to go."
I also like the idea to ask your kid, "What do we need to do to make our teeth feel clean?" instead of informing them it is time to brush their teeth.
I did feel frustrated that this book did what every parenting book seems to do: it took a chapter near the beginning to explain why all other parenting styles are harmful and that this is the only right way. I tried to laugh it off since every book does it. But Nelson really harped on how bad using time outs is. Personally for my child, I already used a lot of the positive discipline techniques taught here. It was good to get more advice. But I also see time outs as a really important tool for my family. Nelson's suggestions are always hard to implement. You basically never yell at your child to stop that, but always walk over to them, bend down, make eye contact, remove them from what they are doing, and then find a distraction for them. My 2-year-old is extremely attached to me and often misbehaves because he wants me to stop doing the dishes and play with him, so this kind of discipline rewards him. I do avoid time outs, but I hate to write them off completely.
One suggestion I liked was when she was talking about being kind, validating your child's feelings, but still being firm. She said if it's time to leave the park and your child (obviously) doesn't want to, don't negotiate. After the brief warning, if you child cries, say, "I see that you are sad because you want to stay at the park, and it's time to go."
I also like the idea to ask your kid, "What do we need to do to make our teeth feel clean?" instead of informing them it is time to brush their teeth.
I did feel frustrated that this book did what every parenting book seems to do: it took a chapter near the beginning to explain why all other parenting styles are harmful and that this is the only right way. I tried to laugh it off since every book does it. But Nelson really harped on how bad using time outs is. Personally for my child, I already used a lot of the positive discipline techniques taught here. It was good to get more advice. But I also see time outs as a really important tool for my family. Nelson's suggestions are always hard to implement. You basically never yell at your child to stop that, but always walk over to them, bend down, make eye contact, remove them from what they are doing, and then find a distraction for them. My 2-year-old is extremely attached to me and often misbehaves because he wants me to stop doing the dishes and play with him, so this kind of discipline rewards him. I do avoid time outs, but I hate to write them off completely.
January 7, 2010
I like this book. In fact, some of the strategies have helped already, such as redirection, distraction, turning tasks into a game (we picked up crayons so they could "hide" in the box) and just laughing together. I also like the info on the different types of temperaments, I thought there were only 3, difficult, medium, and easy. ha ha!
My only beef with the book is the sleep chapter. It tells you that to be a good parent and show love you must let your children cry it out to sleep if they won't sleep on there own. I disagree, although that is an effective strategy, some kids just don't sleep through the night at 4 months and letting the cry it out should be a last resort for very sleep-deprived parents. I did, however, like the strategy of laying your baby down awake, but drowsy. I have the habit of making sure my kids are totally out before laying them down, and last night I tried this trick with Charlotte, and it worked. So I think I will do that and hopefully she'll start sleeping a little more on her own at night!!
Good book overall, good focus on respecting your children, I would recommend it to all new parents or to browse for someone who has a more willful child and needs new, completely non-punitive strategies. (Oh, and I like that time-out is NOT effective according to this strategy. It sure doesn't work for us!)
My only beef with the book is the sleep chapter. It tells you that to be a good parent and show love you must let your children cry it out to sleep if they won't sleep on there own. I disagree, although that is an effective strategy, some kids just don't sleep through the night at 4 months and letting the cry it out should be a last resort for very sleep-deprived parents. I did, however, like the strategy of laying your baby down awake, but drowsy. I have the habit of making sure my kids are totally out before laying them down, and last night I tried this trick with Charlotte, and it worked. So I think I will do that and hopefully she'll start sleeping a little more on her own at night!!
Good book overall, good focus on respecting your children, I would recommend it to all new parents or to browse for someone who has a more willful child and needs new, completely non-punitive strategies. (Oh, and I like that time-out is NOT effective according to this strategy. It sure doesn't work for us!)
April 11, 2018
To sum up my feeling about this book, I would say what an enjoyable read! It just came to me in the perfect time. I have been in low spirits and feel helpless and hard at times with my two year old.
This book really is an eye opener, describing situations honestly, and giving realistic solutions and alternatives. I love the fact that it makes us accept making mistakes, and understanding that we will continue making them (thats just life, as long as we try to learn and fix things). It also makes it very clear that sometimes all solutions will not work and thats just how kids are like in that age. Having a child go into a tantrum does not mean we failed.
Its a complete guide, with many illuminating references along the way.
The book made me relax a bit while trying to practice what I am reading, and I hope I continue in the path they have paved.
Loved the temperaments part. The ideas of Erik Erikson, Driekers, and others.
None the less, you shouldn’t relay on sleeping, eating, or toilet training from the chapters in the book. You have to expand your reading to specified books on the subjects. Especially if you are not on the same ground as the authors in some areas like me. For example supporting co sleeping or something.
Thanks to the authors for such a comprehensive book, especially for the parents of toddlers :)
This book really is an eye opener, describing situations honestly, and giving realistic solutions and alternatives. I love the fact that it makes us accept making mistakes, and understanding that we will continue making them (thats just life, as long as we try to learn and fix things). It also makes it very clear that sometimes all solutions will not work and thats just how kids are like in that age. Having a child go into a tantrum does not mean we failed.
Its a complete guide, with many illuminating references along the way.
The book made me relax a bit while trying to practice what I am reading, and I hope I continue in the path they have paved.
Loved the temperaments part. The ideas of Erik Erikson, Driekers, and others.
None the less, you shouldn’t relay on sleeping, eating, or toilet training from the chapters in the book. You have to expand your reading to specified books on the subjects. Especially if you are not on the same ground as the authors in some areas like me. For example supporting co sleeping or something.
Thanks to the authors for such a comprehensive book, especially for the parents of toddlers :)
June 26, 2015
While this book had some good practical advice, I did not agree with everything. I wished there had been more discipline in "Positive Discipline." A lot of the advice just had to do with day-to-day life - setting up routines, establishing healthy eating habits, practical toileting advice, etc.
The positive discipline techniques in the book seemed like more of a reward than an effective way to show your child that what he/she is doing is wrong. Also, the authors emphasized not directly saying "No" to your kid, or saying it as little as possible, which I completely disagree with. Sorry, but my kid needs to know what "No" means, so that the second he's doing something unsafe, I can say "No" and he'll stop so he doesn't get hurt. While I don't say "No" unnecessarily, I also am not afraid to say it, and I don't think it's harmful for him to know that sometimes he needs to immediately stop what he's doing.
I did like all of the references in the book. The authors pointed out a ton of other helpful reading material on various subjects, especially related to child psychology.
The positive discipline techniques in the book seemed like more of a reward than an effective way to show your child that what he/she is doing is wrong. Also, the authors emphasized not directly saying "No" to your kid, or saying it as little as possible, which I completely disagree with. Sorry, but my kid needs to know what "No" means, so that the second he's doing something unsafe, I can say "No" and he'll stop so he doesn't get hurt. While I don't say "No" unnecessarily, I also am not afraid to say it, and I don't think it's harmful for him to know that sometimes he needs to immediately stop what he's doing.
I did like all of the references in the book. The authors pointed out a ton of other helpful reading material on various subjects, especially related to child psychology.
March 23, 2011
I bought this book for my daughter who was expecting her first baby in February, but I read it before passing it on to her!
The approach to child rearing in this book is EXCELLENT. It is based on creating trust and bonding. Its approach is, above all, one of respect. It aims at guiding a child towards independence and social skills. The goal of the Positive Discipline approach is to empower a child, at every stage, by making him/her feel loved and valued, by helping the child feel competent and capable, and by enabling the child to feel an inner sense of power and control.
My criticism of the book is that it is poorly written. It rambles, and the key points are not effectively emphasized. It's such a shame, as I feel this book should be read by every person involved in the raising of a child. The book needs to be rewritten!
The approach to child rearing in this book is EXCELLENT. It is based on creating trust and bonding. Its approach is, above all, one of respect. It aims at guiding a child towards independence and social skills. The goal of the Positive Discipline approach is to empower a child, at every stage, by making him/her feel loved and valued, by helping the child feel competent and capable, and by enabling the child to feel an inner sense of power and control.
My criticism of the book is that it is poorly written. It rambles, and the key points are not effectively emphasized. It's such a shame, as I feel this book should be read by every person involved in the raising of a child. The book needs to be rewritten!
September 30, 2012
Definitely one of the more reality-based parenting books I've read in that it's actively willing to acknowledge and engage with the idea that most parents aren't living the breastfeeding-til-preschool, stay-at-home-parent, organic-crunchy-Etsy-nursery ideal. Most parenting books take great pains to point out that this ideal and remind parents that if those ideals aren't being met, well, you're already behind the eight ball and you should really go and fix those things before trying to proceed further with the advice in the book. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see an author point out what many parents already know in practice - that you don't have to hit the mark perfectly in these areas to be a successful parent and that some of those "failures" can actually have significant unintended benefits to kids (such as happier parents!).
February 7, 2009
This is a discipline book that I feel I can actually implement daily. As a main point, it says to use a combination of kindness and firmness when disciplining your child, in all areas. It also emphasizes that I need to be aware of what my children are capable of understanding developmentally, and then tailor my approach.
Also, it says that you can't force a child to do anything (eat, sleep, potty-train, etc.). Instead, kindly and firmly guide the child to decide to do those things on his own. This is something to work on.
Also, it says that you can't force a child to do anything (eat, sleep, potty-train, etc.). Instead, kindly and firmly guide the child to decide to do those things on his own. This is something to work on.
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