How to be a Best Friend Forever: Making and Keeping Lifetime Relationships

by John Townsend

The quality of your friendships determines the quality of your life.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Christian, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Friendship

190 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 27, 2011

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, co-host of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of the Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. He has written or co-written twenty-seven books, including the bestselling Boundaries, Safe People, and Hiding from Love. He and his wife, Barbi, live in southern California. They have two grown sons.

Reviews

[Iamthird]

Bestfriends as life line. Not simply helpful and encouraging. They were critical.

Galatians 5:13 "Serve one another in love." Be kind, compassionate and forgiving. Eph 4:32

136 "knowing, liking, and presence"

Liking and connecting.

Foster TRUST and OPENNESS.

146 "Make a no-purpose phone call, take lead in brining up your own needs for grace, validation, acceptance, understanding, or safety with a friend. Go deeper in conversation by sharing how you feel, not just how you think. Mention what concerns you, frustrates you, or saddens you."

Internalize parents who are consistently warm and loving. Cheers the kids on and comforts them in times of stress. W

149 "Be a Good Friend Look at some of your most important relationships and think about how you're doing in the areas of being caught up on life events, connected emotionally, and close enough to be able to speak and hear truth. Which friends do you need to see more often? What change in your schedule over the next seven days are you going to make in order to see someone you haven't seen for a while?


Connect face - to - face with new friends, with long-term friends. Be honest.

Validation helps me to know that I am seen, and known, and understood.

155 When have you needed a BF to simply be present with you? when have you needed a BF to help you move on from being in shock, make wise choices, and develop a plan of action? Comment on what your BF provided for you when you were in crisis.

160 - knowing prior hurts from friends and family help me know how to care for them better. Or say words they need to hear so they can hear what I am saying better.

161 "truth without grace"

162 "completely honest with each other and push each other to grow.

166 "I'm beating myself up, I need to know I am ok with you." How do you think we're doing in accepting each other's flaws and mistakes? How can we better show each other acceptance?

p 167 "what did relationships with your parents/siblings teach you about having friends? about being a friend?

169 "forgive, heal, grieve, attempt to reconcile."

p 172 "We all need the lifelines of best friends. Be a person who cares about many people, but has invested deeply in a few".

Have BFs both within your family and outside of it. What can you do to better befriend someone in your family. Choose a family member, select a stem and make an intentional effort in the next week or so to more deeply connect with him or her.

[Deborah-Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are some friends who join your life for a season and others who stay forever, we call these people BFFs. But what moves someone from being a Best Friend (BF) to being a Best Friend Forever (BFF)? What qualities should we look for in a faithful friend and what do we personally need to do in order to be a best friend for others? From the author of the best-selling popular "Boundaries" book series, John Townsend explores the Biblical model of friendship explaining why it is important and what we can do to maximize our relationships. His book touches on so many key themes including: how to do a "friendship audit" (or how to check-in with a friend about what might be bothering them related to the way you interact with each other), how to lovingly confront a friend if you see them going down a bad path, how to safely have friends of the opposite gender without it compromising your marriage, and how to balance friends, family, and your relationship with your spouse. The back of the book includes a study guide with many thought provoking questions that get you to think about what each individual friend brings to your life and how each relationship has a different dynamic which adds to the beauty of the friendship. I have actually never read the Boundary books before, but I was struck by a book dedicated solely to friendship written from a Christian ethos. Having read this book, I am excited to read other books by Townsend.

[Tanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s a lot to like here if one appreciates the perspective of a Christian and psychologist and scriptural underpinnings. Content note: (hetero)sexism.

[dorolerium · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was intrigued by the title of this book when it was offered to me for review, so I decided to take it on during this blog tour. The concepts and guidance provided in the book can be interesting at times, and I can absolutely see them being useful for people, especially people in a slightly older generation who may have trouble with their close relationships. Personally, I fit more into the demographic the author describes as a group that is very connected to their friends, so I didn’t feel the book spoke to me as much as it will to others.

I did like the points the author brought up about the influence of Facebook and other social networking on our friendships. I think that Facebook can be useful for keeping up with people I no longer live near, but it can also be a huge pain when it comes to relationships I want to keep maintaining. Fortunately, all the people I care about are also interested in staying in touch with me in other ways, which is another benefit of my generation, in my opinion.

To read the rest of my review, please visit:
http://www.dorolerium.com/?p=3282

[Merenwen Inglorion · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars, audio version, rounded down

Reasons for rounding down:
-Only reason for rounding down is that none of this info is new to me, and didn't really show me any new applications

What I liked:
-Solid advice for relationships, not just romantic ones
-Example stories that weren't drawn out/overly repetitive
-Audio could be played at nearly double speed without losing any of the narrator's coherency

[Bradley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another helpful book by John Townsend. Very down to earth advice about deep friendship. I was looking for a book that takes seriously the need for good friendships and this one does. Unfortunately, it seems more about identifying which friendships are deeper or more shallow, than on how to find them and develop them. It says: these are the characteristics of deep friends. Beyond that, he suggests, if you can’t seem to find friends like these, seek a counselor. A better title might have been How To Keep A Best Friend Forever. Or maybe the emphasis is on the fact that you must always be seeking good friendships because they don’t come easily. He would rather say that if you’ve tried to apply these principles to a friendship without success, let it go and find another. And maybe that is the truth of it. So while I didn’t find this book particularly helpful to my present questions, there is some truth I will hold on to and hopefully someday return.

[Brittany · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful and insightful about friendships and how to maintain and grow deeper in them.

2 questions to ask yourself:
1. if this relationship is a good one, would it be worth the exploration to make it a great one?
2are there specific areas of life my best friends and I could do better for each other?

at the DNA level, a friendship must have 2 elements: knowing, liking, and present.

what brought us together in the first place?
why do you think we like eachother?
how are we doing on making a personal connection with each other? do we feel safe to talk to eachother?
what can we do to make the relationship a better place to connect?
go with where the interest and energy are

no purpose phone calls-use the call to go deeper: i was thinking about the situation in XX, how is it going? or, i wanted you to know how much I appreciate how you do XXX

invest early: when a relationship is in the early stages, we need more frequency (earlier friendship, more frequency is required) i.e. taking in the cognitive to relational and personal aspects of the person
the people we connect with on the deepest level become emotional realities within us, and we keep them inside us...children develop a sense of being love and secure when they have internalized parents who are consistently warm and loving.

ultimately , connection is the core of why people become BF's-they feel less isolated, alone, and more loved inside

Gal 6:2 carry each other's burdens-we need to take advantage of the reality that someone cares about us and is committed to us.
catching up on the celebrations, crises, and complaints is what relationships worthwhile

Your core values should be non-negotiable. you should hvae friends that do not share the same values

a BF values assessment-answer questions like: do i seem to be living these core values out? what do you think are your own?

relational equity is important-be more intentional about focusing on the tougher things-push others to talk about their anxieties and insecurities
we also have baggage, issues, hurts, and wounds-time + relationship+ truth can help heal things

be the friend who goes beyond empathy and does the help-be careful to not be extremely blunt and direct when someone is in a crisis -encourage the other person to help you become the best you can. say:
one thing I want in life is to have a good life, and reach whatever potential i have. will you pinpoint areas that you see in me that I am not growing in, but that I need to?
we tend to avoid matters that are tough-gentrly return to the hard matter. try saying:
I know your child's school problems are tough to talk about, painful. if you're okay with it, I'd like to press ahead and talk about it to find a solution. or at least you will know you have a friend who cares

make growth issues part of several conversations overtime-will require checking in

we all need a little nudge in our friendship

most BFs truly want permission to speak freely:
become the one who models honesty about yourself
bring up your own realities-mentions beliefs you have that are important to you, along with your likes/dislikes

searching only for commonalities can become an empty experience

how do we rate our relationship on being honest about ourselves? our values, beliefs, and preferences?
does the friendship welcome 2 different perspectives?
how are we doing on being honest about eachother? are we both bringning up something confrontation with the other person, if we feel it is important? if not, why not?
what can we do to be connected, and still be truthfull? (i.e,"im concerned I might hurt you and i dont want to, can we talk about whether that is in my head or whether it is reality?, i want you to know your feedback is vital to me. if you ever see me doing something that is a problem with you, or problem in my life, i want you to tell me. you have full permission.

what if in ever meaningful conversation, we commit to make sure that something truthful will come out? it is better to make truth a meaningful part of a relationship that have the attachment interrupted by a truth session

having them know the themes, overall pictures of our overall reality, that is typically enough

when the causes of acting out are identified, they can do the deeper work of resolving the deeper issue. the acceptance of a friend opens the door to freedom from the issues that plague us.

ways to foster acceptance in friendships:
-take the first step and do your own personal inventory-what dark side issue do I have that my BF doesn't know about?
-how do you think we are doing in accepting eachothers flaws and mistakes? do you think we minimize the negatives or are we brave enough to confront our darknesses?
does one of us tend to become judgemental or a moral figure when imperfections come up?
how can we better show acceptance to eachother?
after a risk: I am feeling self-judgemental about myself

be a person who cares about many people, but has invested very deeply in a few.

[Nikki Powers · Rating 4 out of 5]

2nd time through; picked up different things this time around.
There are a couple of things that as a society I don't think we learn to do well. One is how to listen, and the other is how to be a good friend.
in this book, he addresses various levels of friendship, those relationships that should not be considered friendship, how we should take our time before declaring someone, our friend, and the importance of communication between friends. I found it particularly helpful that he touched on the importance of addressing things that are hard to address. He isn't helpful beyond the why, but he did write another book called 'How to have the hard conversation" (or something).

We women, especially, can inwardly suffer about some of our friendships over the course of our life. Different people handle things differently- and most of us pull back from/ avoid hard things, and many of us- though we need deep friendships- stay far too busy to truly cultivate them.
This book makes the case for prioritizing friendship in your life and why you need that.

[Eileen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book, but didn't love it. I agreed with a number of the premises of the book such as enhancing personal growth and friends being lifelines. However, I believe the author, John Townsend, viewed the concept of friendship solely through the lens of its positive benefits. It merely glossed some of the reasons why friendships go awry or don't fully develop. There is mention of the negative power of friendship on the last two pages of the book, but the concept is not fully fleshed out. It would have been helpful to be given tools on how to address this or an additional chapter addressing why some friendships become limited or are shedded. In addition, at the core of truly good friendship are trustworthiness and confidentiality. These concepts are lacking in this book.

[Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good advice about the need for deeper connection. Author defines friendship by 3 elements: to know someone and share about your life with someone, to like them and want to be with them and tell them things, and to spend time together because of the connection the knowing and liking created. Good study guide at the back of the book. Good ideas but this book assumes readers have friends. I need more practical activities to get past bad relationship habits. What if these 3 things aren't happening? What if no one wants to know me? How do I heal and connect again? Good book for those with friends who want to be better friends, but I need advice on how to make friends to begin with after all that's happened.

[Christen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found a lot of this book to be challenging. I hate having to always be the one who risks and initiates in my friendships. But this book has reminded me that it is up to ME to develop the relationships I want. If I just coast, I will have "coasty" relationships, not deep ones. I want to go back and rehearse some of his ideas of making myself more vulnerable and approachable in relationships. That's probably where I need to start.

I think that if the title appeals to you, you will find something useful in this book.

[Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly heartfelt and wholesome take on what it means to be the best friend one can be. And while the book is a bit on the religious side—but to be fair, I did not know Dr. Townsend was a Christian author—it works because the scripture quoted is mostly secular and in support of his key ideas.

His mature and nuanced take is deeply nourishing, and is a great tonic and reminder that even in the time of social-distancing, there can still be Friendship in the Time of Coronavirus.

[Desarae · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most of this seemed like common sense, or at least was sort of old news for someone in their 30s who has navigated past high school relating techniques. There were some good points through out that helped me solidify some concepts that I just hadn't phrased out yet, and there were a couple new thoughts that really struck me and have given me some things to ponder and work with going forward. The read was valuable, but not amazing.

[Ray Raasch · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really dislike it when books preach Christian doctrine at me when I haven't signed up for it. However, I still managed to enjoy this book by sort of transcribing the Christian language into something I could relate to -- that is, a less dogmatic, more spiritual view of friendship. There is shockingly little literature about building friendships, and so I'm glad this book exists.

[Christy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good encouragement to make the effort to keep close friendships strong, that it is worth the time because of the spiritual and emotional benefits. He doesn’t dig deep into why some people may struggle with close friendships but argues a good case why it is healthy to have best friends in your life.

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book at Anna Blair's recommendation! It is really good and a great reminder of how to be intentional in godly friendships. I think it could have been more spiritual- it seemed like that was just thrown in there at times; however, it was still really a great read! I think we can never learn enough or be conscious enough of how to be a better friend.

[Joel · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. This book was like an average plate of pasta at a touristy restaurant in Rome: good enough to eat, but just barely and it doesn't leave you wanting more.

[Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me way too long to read this book, but it wasn't the book's fault.

[Tom Menke · Rating 4 out of 5]

its really a science

[Roger Miller]

A how-to on friendships

[Jennifer Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful and challenging look at what makes friendships thrive and fail.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the BEST BOOK ON FRIENDSHIP I have EVER read!

[Reyna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Puntos importantes a considerar en una amistad. De ánimo al enfrentar relaciones nada saludables para ver qué es normal y qué no es normal.

[Daniel Harding · Rating 2 out of 5]

Probably helpful. Written as if to a 5th grader. Redundant.

[Bailey T. Hurley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Scratches the surface —good friendship 101

[Charles Robison · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was looking to teach on friendship and found this quick resource, but it offered nothing new. Most was pretty obvious information. Kept referring to the reader as “Her and she”

[Debra Lapierre · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a sweet little book on friendships! Loved it!

[Miss Lilli · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was okay. I did like the fact that the book got me thinking and opened my eyes to how really great a couple of my friends are and how I haven't been reciprocating. It wasn't what was written in the book, but what I thought of as a result of reading the book. Hopefully, I will be a better friend as a result.

[Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a straightforward book on the importance of having close friends and how to make and maintain those relationships. As humans God made us to need relationships. It's a short book but worth it.

[Sandie · Rating 3 out of 5]

What is a friend and how can someone bring friends into their lives? That is the premise of Dr. John Townsend's book, How To Be A Best Friend Forever. His position is that friends are our second family, those who after we are nurtured in our birth families, help us to finish growing outside that protective environment. They bring needed diversity of opinion. Of course, to have a friend, one must be a friend and Townsend covers what makes a great friend and what one must do to have them.

Best friends should not be considered an exclusive title, he suggests, but rather an inclusive category such as best movies or best songs. An individual needs a variety of best friends, each of whom brings a different viewpoint that allows the rounding out of one's personality. Nor are best friends better than other friends rather they are those whom an individual feels the most connection with.

In order to be a good friend, several items are required. One must commit time and effort to building the relationship. The shared times are currency in a friendship bank that allow withdrawals when that is inevitable. Friends should make sustained efforts to carve out time for their friends and to be available when they are needed.

Another item that is required is the commitment to be vulnerable, to let the friend see you as you are, to know your strengths and weaknesses, your faults and your best characteristics. Without this vulnerability, there is not a best friend relationship but a strong acquaintanceship one. Finally, truth is an absolute necessity; the truth to reveal yourself honestly, and the truth to tell your friend what they may not want to hear but need to.

Dr. Townsend is a psychologist, speaker and leadership coach. He has a daily radio show and has authored several other bestselling books. His advice is succinct and written in an approachable manner. This book is recommended for those interested in bringing another resource into their lives, and those interested in nurturing and sustaining the friendships they already have.