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Men Are Clams, Women Are Crowbars: The Dos and Don’ts of Getting Your Man to Open Up
It's not news to say that men and women are different . . . what's worth discussing is how to deal with those differences--including the huge impact of what Dr. David Clarke calls their Crazy Making Differences. Men Are Clams, Women Are Crowbars looks at the widely divergent ways men and women approach emotional issues, then offers solutions for those couples who want to bridge the gender gap, especially in marriage. Learn the different levels that men and women operate in during every interaction, as well as techniques for connecting in conversation. Dr. Clarke guides couples toward the relationship they desire and the one God wants them to experience. Couples will laugh at the familiar male/female scenarios while learning how to complement one another, improve romance, and spiritually bond as married couples.
224 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1999
20 people are currently reading
133 people want to read
About the author
David E. Clarke
24 books37 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
Dr. David Clarke is a Christian psychologist, speaker, and the author of seven books, including Kiss Me Like You Mean It. A graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and Western Conservative Baptist Seminary, he has been in full-time private practice for over 20 years. He lives in Florida. William G. Clarke has been a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years. A former Campus Crusade for Christ director and founder of the Marriage and Family Enrichment Center, he lives in Florida.
Dr. David Clarke is a Christian psychologist, speaker, and the author of seven books, including Kiss Me Like You Mean It. A graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and Western Conservative Baptist Seminary, he has been in full-time private practice for over 20 years. He lives in Florida. William G. Clarke has been a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years. A former Campus Crusade for Christ director and founder of the Marriage and Family Enrichment Center, he lives in Florida.
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
December 1, 2025
He writes this book towards men and women. I think many people are quick to say something along the lines of “oh, he’s being sexist because he’s saying how much women talk and how they need to get it all out of their system and and guys are just peppered with questions and whatnot from the women” and so on and so on.
Listen people! Women, ON AVERAGE, are more likely to be external processors, and they are more likely to respond with emotion first, and they are generally better at talking about feeling and all of that.
Men, ON AVERAGE, are internal processors and they usually respond to situations with logic first. It’s not that they aren’t “good at feelings”.
And the same thing with women. Just because we tend to respond emotionally first doesn’t mean we aren’t logical.
God made men and women differently, and you have to learn to understand each other so that you’re not always at each other’s throats or giving each other the cold shoulder because your partner isn’t responding the way you want them to or the way they should.
Honestly, this was a random book I picked to read, and even though I’m not even dating or anything (lol:’]) I found there to be a lot of practical advice in here. THE NUMBER ONE THING IS SPIRITUAL INTIMACY AND COMMUNICATION!!!
Listen people! Women, ON AVERAGE, are more likely to be external processors, and they are more likely to respond with emotion first, and they are generally better at talking about feeling and all of that.
Men, ON AVERAGE, are internal processors and they usually respond to situations with logic first. It’s not that they aren’t “good at feelings”.
And the same thing with women. Just because we tend to respond emotionally first doesn’t mean we aren’t logical.
God made men and women differently, and you have to learn to understand each other so that you’re not always at each other’s throats or giving each other the cold shoulder because your partner isn’t responding the way you want them to or the way they should.
Honestly, this was a random book I picked to read, and even though I’m not even dating or anything (lol:’]) I found there to be a lot of practical advice in here. THE NUMBER ONE THING IS SPIRITUAL INTIMACY AND COMMUNICATION!!!
November 24, 2025
Loved the practical skills given for marriage and communication. Definitely recommend
September 20, 2017
I had heard the author on Focus on the Family, and most of what he writes here was summed up on the broadcast. I think there are some good tips for men here (if you can persuade your husband to read the book), and the chapters at the end on intimacy are full of some really good advice to staying close to your spouse.
May 17, 2019
I absolutely love this book! Although I am single now, it takes me back to when I was married AND it still makes me laugh!
December 1, 2019
Derogatory and sarcastic towards women:
Bob has a “built-in alarm system to warn him of incoming threats to his control.” And Betty’s “the guided missile”
Women have made their “number one goal getting the man to open up”. “It is often their only goal in life”
“They all like to talk. A lot.”
“Seemingly never-ending monologue”
“When you’re talking to her, it’s the Spanish Inquisition! So return the favor when she’s talking”
Authors thoughts about women and their talking ... “I don’t do brief! I like to talk and I have lots of words”
Hallmark movies: “I’d rather take a beating than sit through one. But it makes the Blonde (his wife) happy”
“Your wife will start 75 percent of your conversations. She can’t help it.”
“It’s hard to listen and respond to all that talking”
“Go ahead and include mundane, trivial experiences. It’s hard to predict what she’ll find interesting”
“Evaluating your relationship... this is one of her favorite topics” ... “this is conversational gold”
“Women can’t stand to hold in what’s inside. They have to get it out - and I mean all of it - as soon as possible.”
“Spraying out all the stuff that’s in her head. And there’s a lot of it.”
Women’s talking ... “There are no pauses ... it doesn’t even look like they’re breathing” and you “bury your man in an avalanche of words”
“She shouldn’t rattle on and on because she might lose the man in her Niagara Falls of words”.
“It’s hard to live with a woman”.
Excuses and coddling of male behaviors:
When Betty asks Bob to talk he “automatically responds with defensive maneuvers”. “His responses are unconscious reflexes”
“Bob learned from his dad that you keep your guard up with a woman.”
“Every man is a master at sidestepping questions and holding back on information and feelings”
“If the man provides any information at all, it is intended to get the woman off his back.”
“It’s an old lesson we men are taught as we grow up: Never, ever let a woman beat you at anything.”
“There is no recorded incident of a man breaking down and sharing any personal information under his woman’s questioning. Sorry, all you Bettys, your man will not be the first.”
If the woman pushes too hard you “hit his control alarm”
“If he knows you really, really want closeness, ... He sees it as a contest, a power struggle in which he feels he has something to lose. And he intends to win in this struggle”
“The more you” (woman) “want something, the less chance you’ll get it”.
“He’s thinking a number of unflattering thoughts: How can I get this screaming meanie off me? What a nag!”
“Direct approach with a Clam will never work.”
“Control will always be inside a Clam.” “It’s a God-given trait”
“No pressuring him to open up is an essential”
“Men are lousy listeners” (to their women) “by nature, by upbringing and by cultural education” but they can listen very successfully at work, with other men, to sports, to news, to YouTube videos”
“the man is unable to focus and understand”
If you don’t listen well “she won’t be happy. And you know that if she isn’t happy, you ain’t gonna be happy either”
“With a man, control is critical.”
Crowbars have “twenty to thirty topics running around in your head at any given time. Your Clam has exactly nothing in his head most of the time.”
The man desperately needs frequent praise. “It is a requirement”. “Men need praise because we just like the attention”
“When a man gets home from work, his day is over”.....“He wants to relax”
“The zone is a periodic mental blank spot that men move into without warning.” ... “The man is, for all intents and purposes, a vegetable.”
“The Zone is a protective shutoff valve for a man’s brain. When his brain is in danger of taking in too much information at one time - like when you’re talking - it automatically shuts down. By doing so, his precious neural circuits are shielded from damage.”
“The Male Zone is an example of a very important truth”
“Men are out of touch ... they have no idea what their reactions are or why they come.”
“He’ll talk when he’s good and ready ... patiently wait”
“She is careful to not pump him with a ton of questions, because that will overwhelm his listening apparatus.”
Bob has a “built-in alarm system to warn him of incoming threats to his control.” And Betty’s “the guided missile”
Women have made their “number one goal getting the man to open up”. “It is often their only goal in life”
“They all like to talk. A lot.”
“Seemingly never-ending monologue”
“When you’re talking to her, it’s the Spanish Inquisition! So return the favor when she’s talking”
Authors thoughts about women and their talking ... “I don’t do brief! I like to talk and I have lots of words”
Hallmark movies: “I’d rather take a beating than sit through one. But it makes the Blonde (his wife) happy”
“Your wife will start 75 percent of your conversations. She can’t help it.”
“It’s hard to listen and respond to all that talking”
“Go ahead and include mundane, trivial experiences. It’s hard to predict what she’ll find interesting”
“Evaluating your relationship... this is one of her favorite topics” ... “this is conversational gold”
“Women can’t stand to hold in what’s inside. They have to get it out - and I mean all of it - as soon as possible.”
“Spraying out all the stuff that’s in her head. And there’s a lot of it.”
Women’s talking ... “There are no pauses ... it doesn’t even look like they’re breathing” and you “bury your man in an avalanche of words”
“She shouldn’t rattle on and on because she might lose the man in her Niagara Falls of words”.
“It’s hard to live with a woman”.
Excuses and coddling of male behaviors:
When Betty asks Bob to talk he “automatically responds with defensive maneuvers”. “His responses are unconscious reflexes”
“Bob learned from his dad that you keep your guard up with a woman.”
“Every man is a master at sidestepping questions and holding back on information and feelings”
“If the man provides any information at all, it is intended to get the woman off his back.”
“It’s an old lesson we men are taught as we grow up: Never, ever let a woman beat you at anything.”
“There is no recorded incident of a man breaking down and sharing any personal information under his woman’s questioning. Sorry, all you Bettys, your man will not be the first.”
If the woman pushes too hard you “hit his control alarm”
“If he knows you really, really want closeness, ... He sees it as a contest, a power struggle in which he feels he has something to lose. And he intends to win in this struggle”
“The more you” (woman) “want something, the less chance you’ll get it”.
“He’s thinking a number of unflattering thoughts: How can I get this screaming meanie off me? What a nag!”
“Direct approach with a Clam will never work.”
“Control will always be inside a Clam.” “It’s a God-given trait”
“No pressuring him to open up is an essential”
“Men are lousy listeners” (to their women) “by nature, by upbringing and by cultural education” but they can listen very successfully at work, with other men, to sports, to news, to YouTube videos”
“the man is unable to focus and understand”
If you don’t listen well “she won’t be happy. And you know that if she isn’t happy, you ain’t gonna be happy either”
“With a man, control is critical.”
Crowbars have “twenty to thirty topics running around in your head at any given time. Your Clam has exactly nothing in his head most of the time.”
The man desperately needs frequent praise. “It is a requirement”. “Men need praise because we just like the attention”
“When a man gets home from work, his day is over”.....“He wants to relax”
“The zone is a periodic mental blank spot that men move into without warning.” ... “The man is, for all intents and purposes, a vegetable.”
“The Zone is a protective shutoff valve for a man’s brain. When his brain is in danger of taking in too much information at one time - like when you’re talking - it automatically shuts down. By doing so, his precious neural circuits are shielded from damage.”
“The Male Zone is an example of a very important truth”
“Men are out of touch ... they have no idea what their reactions are or why they come.”
“He’ll talk when he’s good and ready ... patiently wait”
“She is careful to not pump him with a ton of questions, because that will overwhelm his listening apparatus.”
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 3, 2008
buku ini ada versi bahasa indonesianya, so kamu kamu bisa baca bulu ini buat yang malas baca bahasa inggrisnya.
buku ini bagus banget,karena kita bisa tau bagaimana membuat hubungan antara cw dan co atau yang jomblo yang pengen jadi lebih berkualitas..yukkk mari baca
buku ini bagus banget,karena kita bisa tau bagaimana membuat hubungan antara cw dan co atau yang jomblo yang pengen jadi lebih berkualitas..yukkk mari baca
November 9, 2008
An incredibly funny book into the insight on the emotions and thoughts of men and women in various situations. I recalled having a few good laughs throughout the book.
However, the fundamentals on building a strong relationship is better read in Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages".
However, the fundamentals on building a strong relationship is better read in Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages".
August 10, 2008
Humourous and good book to read about the different genders.
March 25, 2017
Very practical & helpful
I found this book very helpful to understand my wife better.
Each chapter helped us work through some small steps
Understanding some practical ways of emotionally connecting was so good.
Loved it & would highly recommend it for all married couples.
I found this book very helpful to understand my wife better.
Each chapter helped us work through some small steps
Understanding some practical ways of emotionally connecting was so good.
Loved it & would highly recommend it for all married couples.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews