Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself from Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life

by Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler

An award-winning conflict consultant offers a new path to take when agreement and collaboration seem impossible, and teaches us that when conflict resolution fails, we can achieve freedom instead—even without others’ cooperation.A founding CEO and his top salesperson are engaged in a heated clash over her compensation package.A mother and daughter are locked in a nasty cycle of blame and attack.A high-profile executive team is struggling with aggressive political infighting.In all these cases, every effort to talk it out has been unsuccessful.Where can you turn when your attempts to resolve conflict fail? Most approaches emphasize collaboration. You are supposed to sit down, calmly talk through your differences, and find a solution. But what if nothing seems to work, no matter what you do?When situations resist resolution, the Optimal Outcomes Method teaches us conflict freedom.This innovative method, based on Dr. Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler’s training at the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, two decades as a consultant to Fortune 500 and high-growth CEOs and senior teams, grassroots work with Middle East leaders, US government-funded research on terrorism, and her popular course at Columbia University, Optimal Outcomes reveals eight groundbreaking practices proven to help people everywhere free themselves from conflict.With inspiring stories from clients, students, and Dr. Goldman-Wetzler’s own life lighting the way, you’ll learn to observe complex situations with clarity, access your shadow values (things you really care about but have been unwilling to admit), and take bold, simple, surprising action.Optimal Outcomes blends mindfulness, Jungian psychology, and practical, step-by-step advice to free anyone from seemingly impossible conflict. Applying the practices, you’ll reach your Optimal Outcome—which may be vastly different from what you originally imagined, but more satisfying than you ever dreamed possible.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Business, Self Help

240 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 25, 2020

Reviews

[Ugnė · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lėtas konflikto sprendimo vadovas, nes reikės savo elgesį analizuoti ir keisti, o šitai daugumai greitai neįvyksta (ir tai normalu, o ne kažkas blogo).

Pasirodo vertingas požiūris į konfliktą kaip kažką, kas vyksta platesniame kontekste, dalyvaujant ir abiejų pusių poreikiams, ir istorijai, ir įpročiams, ir aplinkai. Taip pat patiko mintis, kurios kartais pasigendu literatūroje apie konfliktus - ne visi jie išsprendžiami ir kartais palikti situaciją/žmogų yra geriau nei spręsti ir kažko siekti.

[Robyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oh man, is anyone else finding the act of reading extremely difficult right now? This is an extremely easy to follow self/biz-help book that should have taken me one sitting to finish but it took almost a week. I am wondering now if my previous review of another book was too harsh and the fact that I found it hard to read was not the author's fault? We may never know the truth.

Anyway, I think the info in this book is pretty useful. Some of it I think I have learned on my own intuitively over my life but I think it was good to see all the steps to dealing with seemingly-impossible conflict "resolution" broken down (spoiler alert - sometimes you do have to just walk away). I may recommend it to other people as well. Maybe next time I am dealing with a really difficult conflict I will try and formally work through the process using the worksheets on the website.

The writing in this book follows the self/biz help formula to a T so if that bothers you, be warned. E.g. "in this chapter I will... in the following chapters I will... and now here is a summary of the chapter again" etc. It was helpful for me in this case (see above re: distractions).

I would say this book is probably a 3.5 but I'm rounding up to give the author the benefit of the doubt, and the fact that I would recommend it to people who are stuck in conflict loops, and will try to implement these practices into my own life as well.

And I read a hardcover copy, not an ebook, having a tough time changing editions on here for some reason so if you see me post updates for this book 10 times I apologize.

[Y.S. Stephen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Optimal Outcomes does not just focus on ways to resolve conflicts. The author believes conflict is a fact of life - we need it to understand ourselves and grow as a human. However, the author ultimately points out that perpetual conflict is abnormal and thus, maps out ways we can free ourselves from its shackles.

WHY I LOVE THE BOOK
The book is full of examples of ways we fall into perpetual conflict and the reasons why. This is not a book on how to win arguments or how to please people so they leave you alone. This is a work that acknowledges that we might not be able to appease or negotiate with some on difficult issues. Optimal Outcomes helps us deal with those situations without being dragged down by emotions such scenarios generate.

DISLIKES
Optimal Outcomes is manual-like. It sometimes reads like a printout for a work meeting. This is not a book to read for pleasure.

WHO IS IT FOR
Those in mediation or in the position of leadership might benefit from this book.

[Thu Nguyen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thấu hiểu hành vi giải mã tâm lý - Jennifer Goldman -Wetzler, Ph.D.
1/ Các thói quen xung đột: đổ lỗi, im lặng, tự xấu hổ, không ngừng hợp tác.
2/ Quy luật xung đột: Đổ lỗi- xấu hổ, đổ lỗi - im lặng, không ngừng hợp tác- im lặng, im lặng - im lặng, đôt lỗi - đổ lỗi.
3/ Bẫy cảm xúc: phản xạ bánh chè( phản ứng dựa trên trải nghiệm cảm tính của bản thân), không thể tiếp cận (vẫn tồn tại cảm xúc nhưng ko thể thể hiện với người khác), ẩn giấu (cố tình giấu đi nhưng đến thời điểm sẽ bộc phát) -> phải tạm dừng và lắng nghe cảm xúc bản thân mình trước khi hành động
4/ Mỗi người đều có giá trị lý tưởng (thể hiện bên ngoài) và giá trị bóng tối. Các giá trị này có thể mâu thuẫn giữa người và người hay chính bản thân 1 người.
5/ Phá vỡ quy luật mâu thuẫn bằng những hành động đơn giản. 2 cách giảm thiểu hậu quả: Hành động để ngăn ngừa ngay từ đầu và chuẩn bị cách ứng phó nếu điều đó xảy ra.
6/ Can đảm và sợ hãi có mqh hội sinh: can đảm cần sợ hãi để phát triển.
7/ Cân nhắc các phương án: tương lai lý tưởng, duy trì xung đột, trốn tránh.
8/ Sách thể loại nặng.

[Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some interesting moments in here but not sure I had a super compelling conflict “to solve”. The book structure was clear but the points and exercises didn’t always come together clearly for me. I loved the values inventory and found that to be the most relatable and insightful section. If we have conflict it is usually a clash of values or sharing the same “shadow value”. In other words, you are either unclear about what the other person values or you value the exact same thing I am unhealthy way.

Overall, interesting perspective but now I am wondering why this was recommended to me - maybe I have some (unknown) conflicts that need optimal outcomes.

[EL · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gave this 3 stars because I thought it was well-intentioned thoughtfully written. The ideas and processes introduced did not impact me, though this could be highly-personal. What I did find useful were the 4 Conflict Patterns, and how to devise an optimal outcome (which is essentially in the last chapter). I appreciate the anecdotes that the author tries to illustrate her ideas with; they were okay.

[Nancy Garon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was pleasantly surprised with this book. I bought it on sale and thought that it might be pretty good. It exceeded my expectations. The author guides the reader along into very practical exercises and provides loads of examples to make it simple. As a result, the book is useful for a variety of audiences from those wanting to improve as managers to individuals who want practical advice to work on difficult conflicts with friends or family.

[Georgina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting take homes here. Especially important is that directly addressing the conflict may not be the best way to move out of an intractable conflict. I like the idea too of ‘shadow values’ that might be motivating your actions but because they are implicit and not acknowledged you may not understand your own motivations.

[M.J. Blehart]

A clear perspective and approachable paths

There are a lot of practical and profound ideas here for handling conflict. I wish more people in power would give these ideas a chance over maintaining a broken status quo.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great framework for approaching dispute resolution. Provides practical tools which are very helpful.

[Adam Dudley · Rating 4 out of 5]

a nice compliment to the book “Difficult Conversations”, powerful strategies for dealing with conflict

[Vicki · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little too heavy, I'd rather more antidotes.

[Toma Ju · Rating 4 out of 5]

Daug patarimų, tęstinai besikartojančių pavyzdžių. Man pakankamai sunkiai skaitėsi, bet patiko.

[Sigita B · Rating 5 out of 5]

Patiko, efektyvūs pratimai.

[Mohamadreza Baseri · Rating 3 out of 5]

ترک عادات تنش‌زا - نشرمون

کتابی خوب و مفید در زمینهٔ روابط بین اشخاص که راهکارها و تمرین‌های خوبی در زمینهٔ حل اختلاف و تعارض بین اشخاص ارائه می‌ده.
گلدمن در این کتاب ابتدا چهار الگوی رفتاری در تعارض رو مشخص می‌کنه و توضیح می‌ده هر یک از ما چطور درگیر این الگوهای رفتاری شدیم، سپس راهکارهای خوب و مفید و منطقی‌ای برای شکست این الگوها در اختیارمون می‌ذاره.

[Junnu Vuorela · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that I explored while delving into a client project, aiming to learn as much as possible about managing conflict. The experience of reading this book was like stepping into a whole new reality. It opened my eyes to aspects of conflict and resolution that I had subconsciously understood but hadn’t been able to fully articulate or bring to the surface before.

Goldman-Wetzler's approach is refreshingly practical yet deeply insightful. Instead of focusing solely on negotiation tactics or strategies, she explores how to break free from recurring conflict patterns and achieve outcomes that genuinely lead to resolution. Her method encourages stepping back from the usual push-and-pull of conflicts and seeing the larger dynamics at play—something that I found immensely valuable in both professional and personal contexts.

The book provided me with tools and perspectives that made me rethink how I approach conflicts. It wasn’t just about offering new strategies but about revealing a different way of seeing the situations that cause tension and discord. By learning to identify and change ingrained patterns, I was able to address conflicts in a more constructive and self-aware manner.

One of the most striking aspects of Optimal Outcomes is how it encourages self-reflection alongside practical application. I found myself recognizing behaviors and responses that had been present all along but had gone unnoticed. The insights from this book not only informed my work on the client project but also had a lasting impact on how I view conflict resolution in everyday interactions.

For anyone looking to break free from the cycle of recurring conflicts, this book is an excellent resource. It offers a balanced blend of theory and actionable steps, making it both thought-provoking and practical. Optimal Outcomes is a doorway into a deeper understanding of how conflicts develop and, more importantly, how we can transcend them.

[Sambasivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quick read. Standard ideas on how you can resolve
Conflicts. Relevant examples. Just about ok.