How to Be Fine: What We Learned from Living by the Rules of 50 Self-Help Books

by Jolenta Greenberg, Kristen Meinzer

A humorous and insightful look into what advice works, what doesn’t, and what it means to transform yourself, by the co-hosts of the popular By the Book podcast.

In each episode of their podcast By the Book, Jolenta Greenberg and Kristen Meinzer take a deep dive into a different self-help book, following its specific instructions, rules, and advice to the letter. From diet and productivity to decorating to social interactions, they try it all, record themselves along the way, then share what they’ve learned with their devoted and growing audience of fans who tune in.

In How to Be Fine, Jolenta and Kristen synthesize the lessons and insights they’ve learned and share their experiences with everyone. How to Be Fine is a thoughtful look at the books and practices that have worked, real talk on those that didn’t, and a list of philosophies they want to see explored in-depth. The topics they cover

Getting off your device
Engaging in positive self-talk
Downsizing
Admitting you’re a liar
Meditation
Going outside
Getting in touch with your emotions
Seeing a therapist

Before they began their podcast, Jolenta wanted to believe the promises of self-help books, while Kristen was very much the skeptic. They embraced their differences of opinion, hoping they’d be good for laughs and downloads. But in the years since launching the By the Book, they’ve come to realize their show is about much more than humor. In fact, reading and following each book’s advice has actually changed and improved their lives. Thanks to the show, Kristen penned the Amish romance novel she’d always joked about writing, traveled back to her past lives, and she broached some difficult conversations with her husband about their marriage. Jolenta finally memorized her husband’s phone number, began tracking her finances, and fell in love with cutting clutter.

Part memoir, part prescriptive handbook, this honest, funny, and heartfelt guide is like a warm soul-baring conversation with your closest and smartest friends.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Memoir, Mental Health, Personal Development, Humor

259 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 17, 2020

Reviews

[sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to Be Fine is the perfect book for those wanting to gain insights and tips from self help- without having to sift through hundreds of books. After living by the rules of over 50 books, these authors share the best and worst advice they have been given.

Jolenta Greenberg and Kristen Meinzer are hosts of the podcast 'By the Book', where they live by the rules of a different self help book for two weeks and share what worked for them, and what didn't.
I have recently really gotten into their podcast, so I was really excited to see how their voices would translate to written form. I was not disappointed!

The book was organised into sections of
- things that worked
- things that didn't work
- things we wish more books recommended

The chapters were only a few pages, condensing 200+ pages of advice into little bite-sized chunks. The way it was organised made it easy to convince yourself 'just one more chapter!' which would turn into just another chapter. and another. At the same time, this book would work well as a few pages a day sort of book for whenever you need a little pick me up or motivation.

I found that the structure worked really well to make the book digestible, filled with short snippets of information, humour, anecdotes and insightful observations.

"How dare any book have the balls to give us a hard time for buying into the lies constructed by others and presented to us as truths? That's literally victim blaming. Telling people they are responsible for the social inequities and biases that hold them back in life is just another way of jeeping oppressed people down and in no way promotes self-care or living life to the fullest"

I am always wary of 'celebrities' or people who use their fame to write a book without really knowing the craft. But after reading over 50 books for the podcast, I shouldn't have been surprised that this would not fall into that trap. The writing was well done, and their voices shone through in an honest and raw way that would not have been possible with a ghost-writer.

If you have listened to the podcast, some of this might be repetitive to you, but there are a few new insights in here, as well as inner musings that might not have been included in the episode.

If you have not listened to the podcast, I would still recommend it! I don't think being a listener is a pre-requisite for the enjoyment of this book. This is a good jumping off point if you want to get into self help, because even if you disagree with the opinions voiced in this book- you can get recommendations of books you might want to check out!

Thanks to Harper Collins for the ARC

Release date: 17 March 2020

[Anne Bogel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kristen and Jolenta's podcast By the Book is a winning combination of wise and fun: to make every episode, they commit to living strictly by the rules of one self-help book for two weeks, and then gather to discuss what worked, what didn't, and what they learned.

In this new book, they share what they've learned over time from following the rules of more than fifty self-help books, two weeks at a time.

Fun, funny, and insightful.

[Nada Elshabrawy · Rating 4 out of 5]

very funny.

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well this title is surprisingly apropos of everything right now. The two hosts of the By the Book podcast have talked about putting self-help books into practice for a while - each episode of their podcast takes a specific self-help book, tries it out, and comes back to discuss the experience. This book pulls those experiences together like a review article, if you know academic writing. Rather than make each chapter a different book, they group concepts into two sections of what they found in the books (things that worked and things that didn't), and add an additional section with things they wished more books had recommended (basically their own mini self help book.) I think you could enjoy both the podcast and the book, I'll know soon as will consume them in reverse. I think also i wish I'd read this in audio if the podcasters narrate their own book, which I imagine they do!

This came out March 17, 2020, into a world that could use a little help. Thanks to the publisher for providing me a copy through Edelweiss.

[Melora · Rating 2 out of 5]

Qualifying my two stars with the disclaimer that I've not listened to the podcast and I'm not a self-help book person.

BUT... not being a self-help book person might, generally, be a plus with this book because, for the most part, the authors aren't fans of the genre either. Okay, maybe they are, since they choose to spend a lot of time reading and discussing self-help books, but vastly more of this book is about what they thought was Wrong with the advice they got than about what was useful.

And I'm pretty sure I'd agree 100% with their assessments if I were to read the books they discuss. The "name it/claim it," "men are from Mars," "anti-depressants are for weaklings" stuff, not to mention the "magical" time management, diet, and wealth creation schemes mostly seem just self-evidently dumb or fatally flawed. And I agree that the ideas they liked -- things like increasing one's happiness by being kind to others, and boosting self-confidence through recognizing and trying to change negative patterns of thought -- are useful and reasonable.

What I didn't enjoy was the amount of time spent ranting about how dumb/damaging the bad stuff was. I got bored. And sometimes their personal disclosures got a little too personal. Such as when one the authors, in describing how she and her husband are a perfect couple because they are both "disgusting" people, talked about being so desperate to deflate a facial blemish on her husband's face, because she loves deflating such things, that she offered to perform an intimate act for him (I believe they were eating breakfast at the time) if he would allow her this. Anyway. Just SO much more than I signed on for.

I can imagine this idea working better as a podcast than a book. The rants, the personal stories, all the things that became so repetitive in the book, are all probably less noticeable in shorter weekly segments.

[Emily · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. What I liked about this book: 1-it was short; 2- it summarized the basic premises of 50 self-books and what that looked like in their lives; and 3-I really liked their message on body image. What I did not like about this book: 1-their voice and personality were too much for me, they were crass at times, and spoke like they had a chip on their shoulders and a very apparent agenda; 2-I have read a few of the books they reviewed and felt like they unfairly twisted some of the messages.

Overall it was a good reminder that what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for all people, but the right self-help message can truly change lives for the better.

[prayformetal · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is not what it claims to be. This is NOT a summary of some popular self-help titles. In fact, the authors only vaguely mention some of their experiences of living based on the books they've read. The majority of the book is not about that at all.

This book is filled with hatred towards men and white people. Sadly, instead of at least trying to be unbiased and reacting purely to the content of the book they chose to live by, they constantly remind us of how they do not trust the advice of 'a white straight male' or how those books allegedly presume that 'the reader is white and blond and rich and has the same problems as the white, blond, rich author'. Not to mention that it clashes with their own ideology, since they want people not to see race and appearance, but, instead of focusing on what the author has to say, they constantly comment on those, claiming that this is why this or that book is irrelevant. Unfortunately, the book is full of these statements.

I feel like the purpose of this book wasn't to review self-help books, but to spread their personal political opinions. Even if you on the same page with Jolenta and Kristen, it is a bit too much.

[Yesenia Cash · Rating 3 out of 5]

That was fast, it’s ok...a vague summary of several self help books.

[Mehrsa · Rating 4 out of 5]

As one who is addicted to bad self-help books, this book was an appealing project to me. The best part is the authors' taking to task the worst kind of self-helps by the Rachel Hollis and Jen Sicneros and the diet types. I also LOVE that they both could not get into meditation. I am right there with them.

[Annie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Utterly pointless and ridiculous. This book should be titled “how to perpetuate feeling like a victim and take everything personally” by two foolish, lefty contrarians.

[Kelly]

I haven't listened to the podcast from which this book is developed, but now I really want to. A fascinating look at self-help books, what works from within them, as well as what they all seem to be lacking or suggesting. As someone who loves self-help/self-improvement and yet finds so many so frustrating, this was totally up my alley. The authors, being podcasters, are natural audiobook performers, too.

[Cav · Rating 1 out of 5]

I went into How to Be Fine with high hopes, looking for something a bit more easy-going than the titles I typically read, and thought this one would be fun. I have read quite a few books in the genre of self help/betterment/mastery/excellence, so I was curious to see what the authors would do with such an interesting premise.

While the book gets off to a good start, it quickly took a nose-dive midway through. More below. (Buckle up, this will be a long one)

Co-author Jolenta Greenberg is a comedian, podcaster, pop-culture commentator, Moth StorySLAM winner, and self-proclaimed reality television historian.
Co-author Kristen Meinzer is an award-winning host, producer, culture critic, and author of So You Want to Start a Podcast (William Morrow, 2019).
Together they are the cocreators and cohosts of Stitcher’s By the Book podcast and their newest podcast, We Love You (And So Can You).

Jolenta Greenberg and Kristen Meinzer:


The book opens with a lively energetic intro; getting the writing off on a good foot. The audiobook version I have is read by both authors, which was a nice touch.

The authors talk about the genesis of this book and how their community has grown in this quote:

"By the Book started off as a wacky experiment, but over the course of its life, it’s come to be something much bigger—and not just for us. We have a Facebook community of more than fifteen thousand people from around the world who talk with one another every day about topics that range from workplace drama to alcohol abuse. We’ve headlined live events for the likes of The New York Times and given interviews to NPR, the BBC, the CBC, and even RNZ (that’s Radio New Zealand). And we’ve been written up by The Guardian, The Washington Post, Time, Bust, BuzzFeed, IndieWire, and the librarians of Lawrence, Kansas."

And the aim of the book here:

"And so, we’ve written this book. Obviously, we hope it satisfies our existing audience. But our dream is that it also speaks to people who’ve never heard of us—people who just want to know what two very honest women have to say about how their lives have been upended and improved by methodically following the advice of fifty self-help books in three years.
Note: Our goal is not to tell you how to live your lives. In the grand scheme of things, we’re not what you would call experts.
We’re not psychologists or doctors. And we honestly don’t believe we know more than you do about how to be the best version of yourself. As Jolenta often says, Only you are an expert in you."

On the positive side, I'll say that the authors include some very personal writing here. The book is a candid look into their lives. I know how difficult it is to be truly vulnerable. So, kudos to them both for that. Although this was perhaps a bit overdone at times; like when one of the authors describes giving her now husband a blow job after begging him to pop a blackhead. (Yes, really)

However, the authors are self-described leftist feminist SJWs. And they both manage somehow to shoehorn in a baffling amount of leftist jargon and talking points here. This was a bit cringey at times early on, and then insufferably obnoxious and grating later on. This seemed to get worse as the book goes on, and large blurbs of writing here were no more than the full-blown screeching rants of zealous ideologues.

TBH, I'm not sure why any partisan political commentary was even included in the book in the first place, as it is not germane to the broader thesis of the book in any way. This is a book about self-help, not political evangelizing. I really hate when authors cram their shit political takes into books where they have no business being. The inclusion of so much partisan language and talking points is usually a pretty reliable indicator that someone is ideologically possessed... Much like a deeply religious person who never shuts up about Jesus, they just can't help themselves.

This reached absurd levels as one of the authors says they experienced "trauma" from sticking to a diet for two weeks. LMAO. One author goes on repeated low-resolution screechy rants about black men and police violence. The book is very liberally peppered with leftist jargon throughout.

Now, I don't usually say such things about authors of books that I read, but I feel like its warranted here, since I had to sit through this book and listen to this crap ad nauseum: Their writing here makes both of these women sound like self-absorbed insufferable miserable entitled absolute emotional trainwrecks. (Sorry, not sorry)

Also, listening to both of them complain about what poor victims of life they both are for the duration managed to thoroughly irritate the shit out of me. They complain about beauty standards, the sexual advances of men, the general horrors of being a woman, the "patriarchy," and a dozen other things in between.
I honestly feel sorry for both of their husbands...

My jaw just about hit the floor when co-author Kristen goes off on a rant about the advice to meditate and says this:

"...I’ve been told way too often in my life that being quiet and being still will make things better—when that absolutely has not been the case. And I abhor the idea of self-styled gurus telling me otherwise— especially when those “gurus” are white men whose books I’ve had to live by."

~ Someone should tell this woman that the practice of meditation was not actually invented by the "evil white man..."

And I just love how they use the term "white men" as a pejorative many times throughout here, despite the fact that both of these morons are paradoxically married to white men themselves. Also, it's interesting that the vociferous racial animosity exhibited by these two only extends towards white people (men; specifically). This, after they claimed that fighting racism was one of their life's missions. I guess it's not racist to hate white people, tho right??

I would go on, but I really don't want to violate Goodreads Review Guidelines...

I will say that, contrary to what these authors would have you believe, the narrow path towards the good life won't be found by wallowing in self-pity and victimology. Philosophers have been examining what makes a good life for ~2,500+ years or so now, and there are common threads that underlie most of this philosophy. Much of Buddhism and Stoicism share these common themes. Modern-day Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Logotherapy; as well. It's interesting that you'll never find the qualities of feeling sorry for yourself, reminding others of how much of a victim you are, and not wanting to do difficult things and discipline yourself in any of those texts.
Maybe these arrogant women should have taken some of that advice more seriously...

********************

So, How to Be Fine started off well, but then slowly and inexorably slid into the ditch, and turned into a full-blown dumpster fire.
It went to shit, as the famous quote goes "gradually, then suddenly."
4 stars for the start of the book, and 0 stars for the literal torrent of ideological garbage in the last half.
I would not recommend this book, unless you are a borderline screeching leftist ideologue yourself. If that's the case, you'll find plenty of ramblings from those in your fellow tribe here...
1.5 stars. Remind me to give a hard pass from anything else that these authors produce.

[Deb (Readerbuzz) Nance · Rating 3 out of 5]

Two friends with very different approaches to life take on a series of two week challenges, each based on a self-help book. Each of the two friends evaluates the success of the challenge upon each person’s sense of happiness. This book is a venue to share the challenges that worked best and least well.

[Anna H. · Rating 2 out of 5]

So many repeated ultra liberal mantras 🤦🏼‍♀️

[Ric · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a short and fun book to read, because it summed up a lot of thoughts on various self help books into a neat train of thought. They were broken down by their concepts and what worked/didn’t work for the authors. There wasn’t a whole lot said about the individual works themselves, so if you’re looking for more of that the book probably isn’t for you. But if you want quick tips and general concepts that stretch across various books in the genre, then this isn’t a bad read at all. 3.5 stars

[Beatriz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a gift for the fans of the show and the amazing women behind it. It’s a treat to listeners and it is what it is: a summary of what the show brought to their lives (and to ours). It was a delight to read as much as much as it is to listen to the podcast.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

My sister and I have been fans of the By The Book podcast for years, so we agreed we had to read this book when it came out. This book was a fun recap of many of their best episodes, and felt like visiting with old friends. Just don’t go into this expecting anything new. If you’re a fan of the podcast, you’ve probably heard these stories before.

[Karolina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was really enjoyable to listen to. These two women have a podcast about them living by different self help books and then made a book about all of the best tips and parts of each book and what they have learned. I connected with some of them but not all. I think this was a great book to even listen to a few points you like to try and find some new books to read and maybe a few to skip.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

These two have a podcast that's pretty popular so I listened to this on audio and I highly recommend that format. Their alternating voices and just the way they tell their own experiences in living "by the book" was pretty great. This book is exactly what I wanted it to be: it's like listening to two friends of yours share their highs and lows from the world of self-help books over cocktails. I also appreciated their counterpoints to the whole self help book culture (as in: they're mostly written by white males with dope marketing skills but little in-depth knowledge about what they're hawking).

Highly amusing, sometimes poignant, and definitely a worth-while read.

[Lacey · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first part of this book was ok. It was things that they learned from the self help books. The other two parts, especially the last part (things they wish self help books would cover) were torturous. I nearly put the book down at several points. I wish that women would realize that you can be hilarious without being crass. One of these writers in particular sucked at that. Also, “funnest” is not a word. Any book that uses that “word” gets bumped down a star automatically. It’s not cool or hip or funny, it is just grammatically incorrect.

[Blair · Rating 1 out of 5]

Any book where the authors tell you in the afterword that the experiment was a waste of time should not be published. Or at least, put it in the introduction so I can stop reading immediately. I never really listened to the podcast and maybe it was better in that format. But this was truly terrible and I cannot recommend it to anyone for any reason.

[Kelli · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a self help book junkie! I can’t get enough so when I found out there was a book about self help books, I was in.

I enjoyed the first part of the book best which covered which parts of which self help books worked best for the two authors.

This was a fun read and I’m looking forward to checking out the podcast!

[Lorellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Fair Education

"I’ve started being able to see my life as a series of brave choices to try new things. And if trying new things usually leaves me feeling like I’ve got a list of badass accomplishments in my wake, then I guess I’m pretty into trying new things".

This book was a fantastic idea. As someone who isn't a fan of this podcast, or podcast in general, and has never had the patience to read an entire self-help book, I was able to absorb a lot of information here. In all honesty, I didn't love it all. I disagreed with the authors on more than a few points and found myself even skipping entire chapters. But that's still way more self-help than I've ever read and true honesty is rarely entirely understood by anyone other than oneself.

[Katya · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think fans of the authors’ podcast will probably really enjoy this book because they will better understand, going into it, what to expect. I didn’t personally connect with How To Be Fine, because I was looking for something a bit more substantive. More examples from the actual books the authors examined would have gone a long way for me. As it is, once a reader, not already a fan, starts disagreeing with a number of their general takeaways, it’s simply too easy to lose interest. I guess that’s the inherent risk with critique.

[Marathon County Public Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jolenta Greenberg and Kristen Meinzer, co-hosts of the podcast "By the Book," decided to live by self-help books for two weeks each, to determine what personally worked for them and what didn't. This book is the result of that experiment, and as the authors say, readers can try some of the tips along with the authors, or just read along for pure entertainment.

The book was split into three parts: things that worked for them, things that didn't work for them, and things they wished more books would recommend. The 29 topics included practicing positive self-talk and gratitude (things that worked), meditation and the law of attraction (things that didn't work), and not comparing yourself to others and seeking therapy when needed (things they wished more books would mention), among many others. 

During the course of recounting their very personal experiences living by these books for a short while, I appreciated that they had no problem calling out problematic themes in some of them. For example, one book told its readers to to take full responsibility for lies they told themselves that were preventing them from being truly happy ("Happiness comes from outside factors...I won't be worthy of love until my body is the right size."). While Greenberg and Meinzer acknowledged these are definitely detrimental to self-worth, they don't agree with putting the blame solely on individuals and completely disregarding that these are actually instilled on us by society. Other books they talked about completely disregarded social and racial inequities, were not gender inclusive, or told people to take nothing personally and forgive everyone completely even in instances of trauma. Greenburg and Meinzer also acknowledged that not everyone is able to try everything in self-help books, like living below your means or getting rid of anything that doesn't give you joy.

Overall, I thought this was an interesting read about the women's very personal experiences, that explored some of the popular topics in self-help books and acknowledged where many were problematic.

Sarah M. / Marathon County Public Library
Find this book in our library catalog.

[Melissa Stacy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Published in March 2020, the nonfiction book/memoir, "How to Be Fine: What We Learned from Living by the Rules of 50 Self-Help Books," by best friends and podcast teammates, Jolenta Greenberg and Kristen Meinzer, is a real gem of a self-help book.

Short, concise, and loaded with insight, "How to Be Fine" does a great job dissecting what works and doesn't work in a number of uber-popular self-help books.

I loved this book. As someone who clashes with a lot of self-help and therapy books, it was so rewarding and soothing to hear people speak directly, and very publicly, about the various issues and limitations within a genre that is sometimes quite problematic.

I especially loved that one of these authors admitted that meditation did not work for her, and that meditation is not for everyone.

I know that people often mean well when they promote something they love, but statements like, "Everyone should meditate!!" or "Everyone should be in therapy!!" (specifically: everyone should be in talk therapy), is simply not true.

I just love how honest, warm, and considerate these authors are. This book is insightful, and it's also a big soft hug.

If you're looking for something easy and rewarding to listen to on your daily commute or on a long road trip, check this one out. It's a short, heartfelt book full of great reflections. The audiobook is very well done.

Five stars. Highly recommended!

[Krystelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

A very quick read (that I just didn’t review earlier because I’m a lazy sod) that essentially summarises a number of self help books and gives readers...another self help book. It’s not bad, and it certainly bears with it some interesting points, but with so much saturation of self help, you have to wonder if this approach is the best one.

Some books I found particularly difficult to stomach when they were summarised within, so that made for interesting reading. Some books were just absurd. I think the authors provided some solid points too, but in the end, I just felt it was a little bit of a ‘meh’ read. Generic and feel good, it didn’t really offer me much- but maybe it will be one others find a lot of value in!

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to this audiobook and it filled me with joyful nostalgia from back in the day when I listened to the podcast. I was talking to Coops and pondering what made me stop listening in the first place. I distinctly remember listening to the "Men are From Mars Women are From Venus "episode while shoveling our new driveway. I thought maybe I stopped listening when I i started working fully remote. Without missing a beat he said "you stopped listening because they moved to a subscription service that you didn't want to pay for." I'm glad someone's paying attention to my life!

This book was perfectly organized. I loved having this recap the benefits they took from the books, the things they really didn't agree with, and the things they wish more books would cover. It was fun being back; I missed these voices.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

A funny look at how these two friends and podcasters spent time trying out various self-help books and finding which ones worked best and worst for them. Great on audio with both authors narrating. I also enjoyed that they included listener feedback. Definitely found some new books I want to check out. Recommended for fans of Marianne Power's Help me, in which she spends a year working through various self help books.

[Simone · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't familiar with Jolenta and Kristen's podcast, "By the Book," but I liked that this book recapped the salient points of what they have found without there needing to be much of a deep dive. I listened to this as an audiobook and it was a great quick book to listen to while I was cooking over the weekend. The book is divided up into three sections: things that worked, things that didn't, and things we wish people talked more about. I loved that "become a morning person" was under things that didn't! Also I love that Jolenta and Kristen are committed intersectional feminists not afraid to call out self help book authors and culture for sexist nonsense. Would recommend!