Raising Boys Who Respect Girls: Upending Locker Room Mentality, Blind Spots, and Unintended Sexism

by Dave Willis

Dave Willis, author, speaker, and father of four boys, talks biblically and practically about how to raise a generation of boys who are champions, encouragers, and respecters of women. In the #metoo and #churchtoo era, with so many men and boys continuing to make the same mistakes, we have to ask: Where are we going wrong? And perhaps more importantly, how do we raise up men who will break this cycle? As the father of four boys, relationship coach and author Dave Willis has studied this issue deeply, concluding that if we are to raise boys to respect girls­--and not end up with men who say they respect women but whose actions reveal otherwise--we must go back to the heart of things. Or, more specifically, we must go back to our own hearts. In Raising Boys Who Respect Girls , Willis helps readers inventory the blind spots that lead to accidental forms of disrespect, showing how to root out issues in our own hearts before we inadvertently pass along these same issues to our boys. He also teaches readers how to cultivate a healthy respect for God and for themselves as created in his image, as well as a similar respect for others. Full of scripture, research, age-specific tools, and conversation models, this book offers a practical strategy for mindful parents to first embody the right principles themselves and then teach them to their sons. -- "The father of four young boys, pastor and Christian speaker Dave Willis narrates his own audiobook about the changes parents can make to raise boys who respect women. Willis carefully emphasizes key passages with his focused narration, making sure to bring a tone of grave concern to the more upsetting passages and the occasional levity of a dad joke to lighten the mood. Willis's perspective is definitely that of a Christian man, but he does his best to overcome any personal blindspots and share the wisdom he has discovered. His performance keeps the listener engaged with his message." - Audiofile Magazine

Genres: Parenting, Christian, Nonfiction

240 pages, Paperback

Published November 12, 2019

About the author

Dave Willis began his TEFL career working overseas as a teacher in Ghana and Cyprus. He joined the British Council and worked for twenty years as an English Language Officer in Iran, Singapore and London. From 1990 to 2000 he worked as a Senior Lecturer at the Centre for English Language Studies, at Birmingham University, working mainly on MA TEFL/TESOL programmes.

He has published widely on discourse analysis, the subject of his PhD thesis at Birmingham, on the description of grammar and lexis for ELT, and on task-based methodology. He is now retired from full time work, but maintains an active interest in ELT by researching, writing and travelling widely as a consultant and to international conferences. Currently his main area of interest is how to integrate grammar and lexis into a task-based approach.

Reviews

[Aleassa Jarvis · Rating 2 out of 5]

I admire the purpose of this book, and it seems to be written with the best of intentions. It started out very promising, however, after the first couple of chapters it quickly went south, offering nothing new as it seemed to simply repeat harmful, debunked, purity culture ideologies about male and female brains.

In a nutshell, the book tells us that: boys have testosterone, girls have bodies, boy brains are different than girl brains, so whiteknuckle it through life with prayer, hyper-vigilance, and discipline.

The book quotes old research by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn which has shown to be inaccurate and harmful, and it reads similarly to excerpts I’ve read from Every Man’s Battle/Every Young Man’s Battle—books I wouldn’t recommend to my worst enemy.

The author vulnerably shares about his former porn addiction, but the way he described his recovery, as well as some of his cringy descriptions of girls and clothing, didn’t convince me that he no longer has a pornified mindset. It read more like an ongoing struggle that he fights on the regular and portrays as normal.

I just can’t get behind a book that seems to portray boys & men as victims in a struggle to see girls & women as whole people, worthy of respect.
A person who struggles to view another human as more than a body to consume, who views the female form as a threat to his purity, is not the victim in that scenario.

There are more helpful, less stereotypical books out there.

I’d recommend:


Non-Toxic Masculinity by Zachary Wagner
Surfing for God by Michael J Cusick
The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire
She Deserves Better by Sheila Wray Gregoire

[Allison Bedford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really great book I got from the library. Happened upon it when I was doing laminating in the back on new paperbacks and thought just from the title that I should read this book. Then was super happy to discover it was Christian based! Awesome! This book is an excellent resource for those raising sons who want them to honor, respect and be protectors of women. Scripturally based with references and also has excellent conversation starters no matter the age of your son. I did think the majority would be best for me to approach the boys with in middle school or around the age of 12. I made lots of notes!

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well I definitely was not the audience for this book….I didn’t realize it was geared towards men and fathers. I just thought it was geared toward parents. While it gave me a lot of good insights, for me it wasn’t a lot of new info to have as a woman and mother. But I do think it is a great resource for its intended audience, especially if it isn’t something someone has studied up on very much. Lays the topic out very well.

[B. · Rating 1 out of 5]

My mistake, in entering the Goodreads Giveaway, was thinking that the giveaway page provided an adequate description of what the book was, like most of the giveaways do. Had I clicked on the page for the book itself and seen the description there, I never would have entered. I entered based on the giveaway description which suggested that this book would be about the #MeToo movement. Instead, this book is religious. This book is condescending, and it's got all of that "holier than thou" aspect of Christianity that non-Christians, like me, despise. This book has an audience, and it's all those people who think they're better than everyone else because they plant their butts in church on Sunday. Trashed this book. I won't even give it away, I don't want to be responsible for spreading that type of mentality, even inadvertently.

[Neeva Walters · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author seems like a genuine person with good motives who sees a legitimate problem in how men treat women today. However for a book on teaching boys to respect girls, there is surprisingly little about girls themselves. It’s mostly about his perspective on manhood and sexuality. While I appreciated his vulnerability in the section about his previous struggle with pornography, it seemed too explicit. I agree porn is a huge problem in how men view women, but solutions were neither abundant nor helpful. I did appreciate the ideas in Chapter 9 and his chapter that focused on how Jesus treated women.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was hoping for a lot more from this book. The topics they did cover were well thought out. The book ended up being exclusively about sexual purity and respect of women in that sense. I feel like that’s the bare minimum. Yes of course, PLEASE teach your boys that women are not objects for your pleasure. But what about teaching boys to see the image of God in the women around them. I was hoping for a book that would help me guide my all male household into seeing women as equally human, intelligent, valuable, etc and how easy it can belittle, discredit and even oppress women in their lives. I wanted to show them how to champion women. This book didn’t even touch that.

[Julia · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a book I had heard a lot about and was eager to read as the mom of a young boy. It started out really well - the author addresses the #metoo crisis and the horrible treatment of women. His second chapter on Jesus as the respecter of women was spot on. As he moved into the practical pieces though, I felt the book fell a bit short. I didn't feel the advice was overly practical, but instead focused on male behaviour, not respecting women. Sections on how to talk to women, how to say no to disrespect, and even on the underlying Male-dominated culture that exists would have been helpful - but instead the author focused on helping your sons say no to masturbation, sex before marriage and lust. While no doubt these things are important, and the author offers some good advice, I didn't feel he really got to the heart of the issue or offered real, practical solutions.

[Courtney Birkbeck · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a mom to two boys, I have been looking for a book just like this. The guide (with age appropriate ideas and instructions) really gives me an idea on what to do with my boys. Respect is something every human being deserves and in a day and age, where men don't respect women the way they should, I want to do my part to change the narrative and have my boys treat women like queens.

This book is a must have if you're a parent with boys. I'll definitely be giving this book to my friends and suggesting it to people I know!

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

In a post-modern culture that is so concerned with political correctness and using the right pronouns to identify people, Dave Willis offers a look at biblical values in his book Raising Boys Who Respect Girls. Willis offers readers a candid and transparent look at what it means to respect women and how to instill those biblical values in their sons. He guides parents in how to disciple their sons in biblical sexuality--maybe that's an accurate description.

Willis doens't shy away from difficult topics, but rather addresses them head on. While it may be difficult to talk openly about topics that have traditionally been taboo, Willis realizes the necessity of open communication between parents and sons. I apprecaited Willis's transparency about his own struggles as a man with pornography and how it devalues women. I think because he has experienced the painful consequences in his own marriage and family, he understands the need to address sexual issues with his children, starting at a young age. And, he gives parents practical ways to do that from preschool all the way to adulthood.

Willis draws from biblical truth and turns it into practical wisdom that's relevant today. This book is a must-read for parents of boys in today's culture. Raising Boys Who Respect Girls is a return to biblical values in a world gone crazy. It's a call for parents to take seriously their job of discipling their children--not just emotionally and spiritually, but in all areas of life, even in sexual discipleship. This practical, helpful and transparent book promises to be a helpful guide for parents for years to come.

Note: I received a copy of the book from the publisher in exchange for this honest review. The opinions expressed are my own.

[Rebecca · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was given to me as a gift. So I read it because the person who gave it to me said how great it was.

I could not get behind it. I had a lot of trouble finishing it. I am a Christian but I do not see things in the same line as the author who tended to take the Bible literally.

The author seems like he is hung up his past sins and wants to make others feel guilty for things he sees as wrong. His jokes and his stories are terrible and not funny at all. It felt as if I were reading a Hallmark/Disney story. He oversimplifies solutions and generalizes all men as having the same “struggles” he has. I talked with my husband about it and as a guy, he does not look at women the way the author describes.

I agree with the author that boys can learn how to respect women from watching the marriage of their parents. In fact I would argue this is the most important factor. This should have been one of the first chapters.

I really disliked this book.

[Jacques Defraigne · Rating 3 out of 5]

A decent book on how to raise boys in a society full with unholy images. The book has some great chapters with original insights while other chapters are correct but pretty basic and generic ( let me clarify: there are a lot of basic truths that everyone who reads this book will know. The fact that those insight get an entire chapter ... The author could have treated those in a more concise way. The people who want to read this book already know the basic elements of the problem). All and all the book is worth reading: it has some good insights but don't expect any intellectual heavy weight lifting or practical tips on confronting the crisis... The book talks more about a way than a set of rules.

[Tammy Belau · Rating 5 out of 5]

I teach in middle school and read this book to better know how to care for the students in my classes.
As a mom of girls, I don't have much experience in the minds of boys and men.
This book was very helpful for adults and I think everyone who knows a young boy is going to benefit from reading this.
The author uses humor to balance the seriousness of some of the issues and doesn't shy away from telling his own struggles.
It is easy to read, well written, and could make a huge difference in not just our country but all countries.
This book does not belittle men, but addresses how to make men and women view each other as equal and wonderful.

[Katie M. Reid · Rating 5 out of 5]

Boys need role models to show them what real manhood looks like, which includes, relating to girls in an honorable way—not objectifying or discounting them. With a no-nonsense, yet humble approach, Willis compels parents to bring an end to the disrespect of females, and the belittling of males, through: poignant illustrations, sobering statistics, and a hopeful way forward. As parents of three boys and two girls, we are deeply grateful for this timely, transparent resource. We highly recommend this right-now message to anyone who is raising or impacting the next generation.

[Ashley Bowman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really good. It’s basic and focused and deals with the subject well. He doesn’t leave room for excuses for men and quotes facts and studies to help address those who would challenge his ideas. Also, it’s not crazy long, which is great! Some excellent books I’ve read on this and similar topics have been waaaayy to long.

I just wish he was more practical in application. A really topics at the end were helpful but not great and kind of like “duh, talk to them” but no other great ideas.

[Hon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Told heavily through a Christian lens. The general ideas are great, however if you are not a Christian, it may be challenging to get through. I get why the author spoke about the big concepts throughout the book, however, I think I was expecting the book to be more like the last chapter. The last chapter provides ways for you to converse with your child about important topics. It also brings up things you can do with your child that can scaffold into learning about respect. The author was amusing to read and learn about.

[Anthony Demarco · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick, easy read, with a good amount of takeaways that will stick with me, and a few others I will print out and keep with me as my boys grow older.

Something to re-read every few years to remind you of the importance of the topic, and nudge you back onto the right path if you’ve gotten away from it.

[JoEllen Morris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although it is repetitive and at times TMI about the writer’s personal struggles, there are a lot of good points and ideas for helping boys. Written by a Christian pastor who is the father of four sons and has a healthy outlook at the temptations facing today’s youth and why they might be bad for future emotional and relationship health.

[Alex Bridgeforth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great reminders and down to earth tools and suggestions for dads of boys to help train their boys to respect women starting when boys are in pre-school. Would highly recommend to other boy dads and moms.

[Stacey Isenbarger · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hoping for more or different in depth info to be able to discuss with my son. However I felt like this book lacked greatly. Conversations and text were cited but nee information was provided from my perspective.

[Stacy White · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for parents and teachers! A quick read, informative and filled with common sense ways to address hard topics.

[Erin Henry · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn’t learn anything new but it did reinforce ideas I already had. I liked his questions for each age group to teach boys to respect women. Definitely emphasized the deleterious effects of porn.

[Carolyn Page · Rating 4 out of 5]

A much-needed book that tells us to confront our own faults in order to be good examples to our children, as well as addressing how to practically raise boys who truly respect women, not merely put on a show of it in public. Each chapter ends with a section of quotes from women and girls of all ages, saying what men and boys do to make them feel either respected or disrespected. A great piece of writing from the Christian perspective, and I intend to use to raise my own children.

At the time of this review I see one one-star review by someone who was surprised to find this was from a Christian author, and condemned it for its "holier-than-thou" philosophies. I'm sorry that this person feels that way, but I'm wondering if they've even read the book. The author consistently pushes for honesty and recognition of our own faults, points out many things wrong with the church mindset today, and is open about his own porn addiction and failures to respect women. I'm not seeing the "holier than thou" aspects at all? Anyway. I'd recommend this book!

4 stars instead of 5 for using a Mahatma Ghandi quote at the beginning. Holy cats that dude was creepy. The quote was right, but the guy who said it didn't live up to it.