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How to Hug a Porcupine
How to Love the Difficult People in Your Life Most of us know someone who, for whatever reason, always seems to cause problems, irritate others, or incite conflict. Often, these people are a part of our daily lives. The truth is that these trouble makers haven't necessarily asked to be this way. Sometimes we need to learn new approaches to deal with people who are harder to get along with or love. How to Hug a Porcupine: Easy Ways to Love Difficult People in Your Life, explains that making peace with others isn't as tough or terrible as we think it is-especially when you can use an adorable animal analogy and apply it to real-life problems. How to Hug a Porcupine provides tips for calming the quills of parents, children, siblings, strangers, and other prickly people you may encounter. Among other tips, How to Hug a Porcupine includes: *Three easy ways to end an argument *How to spot the porcupine in others *How to spot the porcupine in ourselves With a foreword by noted psychotherapist Dr. Debbie Ellis, widow of Dr. Albert Ellis, How to Hug a Porcupine is a truly special book.
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Published January 1, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 454 reviews
May 9, 2022
Did not help me love my mother more.
July 16, 2022
Someone who reviewed this book commented, “codependency central.” I have to say that I agree.
The suggestions seem to be good for dealing with someone who is normally easy to get along with but in a bad mood, going through a tough time, or prickly, not someone who is chronically negative, a narcissist, etc.
For example, if you are vulnerable with some people, as is suggested, they will twist your words, repeat them out of context behind your back, or use them to hurt you. Much of their damaging behavior is covert.
Fortunately, I have had few people like this in my life, but the realness and perpetuity of their cruel and passive-aggressive behavior is very real. I think the only way you can deal is to either get away from them or change the nature of your relationship.
The suggestions seem to be good for dealing with someone who is normally easy to get along with but in a bad mood, going through a tough time, or prickly, not someone who is chronically negative, a narcissist, etc.
For example, if you are vulnerable with some people, as is suggested, they will twist your words, repeat them out of context behind your back, or use them to hurt you. Much of their damaging behavior is covert.
Fortunately, I have had few people like this in my life, but the realness and perpetuity of their cruel and passive-aggressive behavior is very real. I think the only way you can deal is to either get away from them or change the nature of your relationship.
March 29, 2014
I work with a prickle of porcupines. I know, calling a group of porcupines a prickle is funny, but truly, that is what they are called to.
Some mornings maneuvering around this group is treacherous at best, so when I came across this book I thought it was a gift from above.
In easy to follow little snippets, the book spells out the background and ways to deal with the difficult and toxic people in your life. By no means is this a book that should be read in one sitting. The reader has to take each section, read it, digest it, possibly read it again and see how to apply it to the person or situation that they are currently dealing with.
I am a “confront the situation head-on” type of person, so the idea of sitting back and letting a porcupine run the show was way out of my comfort zone, but on a lovely spring morning I turned my office into a science lab. Little did my little porcupines know that they were now my guinea pigs.
When quills started fluffing up, I stepped back, let the porcupines bristle a bit, did not confront, did not interfere and just let them stomp and grumble – and you know what? It really threw them off; it took the wind out of their sails. Who knew that there was a way to do this without my feeling that I had to give up who I am solely to keep peace in the office.
I actually learned a great deal from this book. It may have gone against my grain, but learning how to deal with the difficult people in your life is so much easier when you see what is causing it and how to work around their stubborn need for control without losing too much of your own independence.
Some mornings maneuvering around this group is treacherous at best, so when I came across this book I thought it was a gift from above.
In easy to follow little snippets, the book spells out the background and ways to deal with the difficult and toxic people in your life. By no means is this a book that should be read in one sitting. The reader has to take each section, read it, digest it, possibly read it again and see how to apply it to the person or situation that they are currently dealing with.
I am a “confront the situation head-on” type of person, so the idea of sitting back and letting a porcupine run the show was way out of my comfort zone, but on a lovely spring morning I turned my office into a science lab. Little did my little porcupines know that they were now my guinea pigs.
When quills started fluffing up, I stepped back, let the porcupines bristle a bit, did not confront, did not interfere and just let them stomp and grumble – and you know what? It really threw them off; it took the wind out of their sails. Who knew that there was a way to do this without my feeling that I had to give up who I am solely to keep peace in the office.
I actually learned a great deal from this book. It may have gone against my grain, but learning how to deal with the difficult people in your life is so much easier when you see what is causing it and how to work around their stubborn need for control without losing too much of your own independence.
January 14, 2024
This is like a guide on how to let mean people walk all over you. I was disappointed because I had hoped there would be advice on how to communicate to “my porcupine” when they’ve hurt me, but it was mostly just advice on how to keep them from getting angry with you or how to make them feel heard. This sort of advice is helpful and provides valuable insight into the porcupine’s psyche, but I simply didn’t need it because I am a giant pushover 👍.
2 stars though because there were a few parts that I felt were genuinely helpful because they provided me with a new perspective.
2 stars though because there were a few parts that I felt were genuinely helpful because they provided me with a new perspective.
January 1, 2021
This book is codependency central.
January 31, 2025
This book got an extra star from me for the porcupine drawings. Those were, by far, the best part.
I also enjoyed learning more about porcupines.
The advice? Not so much. There are some basic principles in there that are good, but I feel like anyone who acts like a “porcupine” on a regular basis should probably be left behind. Why did I read this? I don’t know - because it was short? And maybe hoping for a few gentle reminders on good communication skills?
Well, I got cute porcupine drawings instead, which is maybe better.
I also enjoyed learning more about porcupines.
The advice? Not so much. There are some basic principles in there that are good, but I feel like anyone who acts like a “porcupine” on a regular basis should probably be left behind. Why did I read this? I don’t know - because it was short? And maybe hoping for a few gentle reminders on good communication skills?
Well, I got cute porcupine drawings instead, which is maybe better.
May 22, 2019
The trouble with ebooks is that you can’t flip through them quickly to see how they’re formatted. This is basically a self help coffee table or bathroom reading material for quick bursts of suggestions. It would be better as a page a day calendar or maybe a collection of Instagram posts. Book wise, it’s just a big collection of sound bytes, some meaningful/helpful, but not really my cup of tea when it comes to sitting down to read.
July 7, 2019
What looks like an easy read it actually chock full of insights into how to love difficult people and how to avoid being one yourself. I think this is one I will refer to many times in the future.
August 7, 2019
I had no idea there were TWO Hug a Porcupine books; I went to the library for the one by John Lewis Lund but came away with this one instead as they were probably right next to each other and I did not even pay attention. But that's ok! Because this was a fun, quick read that I really enoyed.
I first heard about Lund's book when I was a very defensive porcupine and I was well aware of that fact. It took me a fair number of years to get around to actually reading it (or trying to, since again, I was originally looking for the one by Lund). I have come a long, Long way in that time.
This book was a cute, quick read that encourages you to return again and again. I read it in about 20 minutes. With the short, simple suggestions though, it is easy to go back, to think about specific items or approaches, and to tailor your approach to any "porcupines" in your life, INCLUDING yourself. I think it is very important to recognize that everyone has at least a little bit of defensive porcupine in them somewhere, it's just a matter of "hitting the right button". Though some people I know, that trait is very, very small, and more like a baby porcupine with soft squishy quills.
I really appreciate that this book is full of love, compassion, and optimism, and goes along with what it preaches with its approach. It is less of a lecture (you must do this! It's the only way to go!) and more of an open discussion of "these are good things to try! I'm rooting for you to find what works best in your situation!" As far as a book can be an open discussion.
I first heard about Lund's book when I was a very defensive porcupine and I was well aware of that fact. It took me a fair number of years to get around to actually reading it (or trying to, since again, I was originally looking for the one by Lund). I have come a long, Long way in that time.
This book was a cute, quick read that encourages you to return again and again. I read it in about 20 minutes. With the short, simple suggestions though, it is easy to go back, to think about specific items or approaches, and to tailor your approach to any "porcupines" in your life, INCLUDING yourself. I think it is very important to recognize that everyone has at least a little bit of defensive porcupine in them somewhere, it's just a matter of "hitting the right button". Though some people I know, that trait is very, very small, and more like a baby porcupine with soft squishy quills.
I really appreciate that this book is full of love, compassion, and optimism, and goes along with what it preaches with its approach. It is less of a lecture (you must do this! It's the only way to go!) and more of an open discussion of "these are good things to try! I'm rooting for you to find what works best in your situation!" As far as a book can be an open discussion.
March 3, 2023
I had high hopes for this book, but in the end, they were probably too high. I think I would have liked it more if I came across it earlier in life. It has a lot of good suggestions for basic communication skills (don't be defensive, don't place blame, don't make assumptions, listen, etc) I've either picked up the hard way or learned years ago when I went to school to become a teacher. (It reminded me a lot of the "Teaching with Love and Logic" method of student/teacher discipline.) It is written pretty generally so it's more adaptable, but I would have liked more examples of how each principle might look in action. Really good intro level advice, but I think I'm ready for just a bit more depth.
December 2, 2023
Someone shared this in a group I am in and said it was life changing. That person must be an eggplant emoji because this is honestly just normal human things people would normally know, unless they are said eggplant emojis.
Sure there are difficult people, kids, days, what have you, but if you love them you do what you can to help. And with people you don't know, you just smile and say bless your heart.
Sure there are difficult people, kids, days, what have you, but if you love them you do what you can to help. And with people you don't know, you just smile and say bless your heart.
March 25, 2024
I felt like this book put a lot of responsibility on the reader to better relationships. Instead of it being more centered around mutual engagement.
As someone dealing with a chronic porcupine I didn’t feel like this was helpful at all.
It was more of a surface level read. If you’re dealing with a porcupine in public and not necessarily with someone who’s in your life. “Take the high road” or “be the bigger person” vibes.
As someone dealing with a chronic porcupine I didn’t feel like this was helpful at all.
It was more of a surface level read. If you’re dealing with a porcupine in public and not necessarily with someone who’s in your life. “Take the high road” or “be the bigger person” vibes.
January 12, 2025
Read this hoping it would help with difficult relationships in my life that I have to maintain. I found this book to just encourage and enable their behavior. It encourages you to change your behavior to better accommodate toxic or “prickly” people. As a people pleaser working on that actively in therapy, this book gave terrible advice. It encourages you to continue to give into bad behavior and walk on egg shells to prevent outbursts
August 28, 2017
Minor grammatical/ spelling errors found. I disliked the overall format of how this How-to was conveyed. It should have been better organized. And also should have used more general pronouns like They and Theirs instead of simply Her, Him, His, Hers.
March 26, 2024
Cute, quick audiobook. Very practical on dealing with prickly personalities. 🦔
November 2, 2025
Despite the short length, I DNFed this one
The only reason I'm really reviewing it is to contrast it to the next book I'm going to review, which did a much better job. I also liked one tidbit from this book. When in a conflict, use the person's name. The sound of their name will naturally calm them (somewhat, at least). I'll remember that one.
Apart from that, the book is hardly a book. It would have been better off as one of those one-a-day calendars that has a bit of advice for each day. That is literally the format. Stand-alone paragraphs of advice. No one will ever remember all that! The book would have benefited from some anecdotes or stories of applying the advice. Research indeed shows that humans have a better time remembering via story 🤷♀️
I also don't really agree with the premise of hugging a porcupine. The porcupine should try to lose some its quills, which is a similar sentiment to that expressed in The Untethered Soul (we spend our lives trying to get people to avoid and respect our thorns, when instead we should try to rid ourselves of them, another book I DNF-ed 😂; in reality I believe there's a happy medium between having and losing thorns, but that would be a much longer discussion so let's just move on). There may be some times where a porcupine losing its quills doesn't make sense, like if dealing with a parent with a degenerative disease of the mind that causes them to lash out or something similar, but every aspect of the book is so vague that it's not really clear under what circumstance you would come to love a porcupine and want to keep them in your life, let alone hug them. I'm just providing some examples from my own thoughts about when you may come to need to hug a porcupine 🤷♀️ Though the book does also mention dealing with porcupines at work. Overall the book is so vague without any concrete examples of anything that it becomes worthless, it's just some EQ-101 tidbits, and you'd likely be better off finding that stuff elsewhere regardless
The only reason I'm really reviewing it is to contrast it to the next book I'm going to review, which did a much better job. I also liked one tidbit from this book. When in a conflict, use the person's name. The sound of their name will naturally calm them (somewhat, at least). I'll remember that one.
Apart from that, the book is hardly a book. It would have been better off as one of those one-a-day calendars that has a bit of advice for each day. That is literally the format. Stand-alone paragraphs of advice. No one will ever remember all that! The book would have benefited from some anecdotes or stories of applying the advice. Research indeed shows that humans have a better time remembering via story 🤷♀️
I also don't really agree with the premise of hugging a porcupine. The porcupine should try to lose some its quills, which is a similar sentiment to that expressed in The Untethered Soul (we spend our lives trying to get people to avoid and respect our thorns, when instead we should try to rid ourselves of them, another book I DNF-ed 😂; in reality I believe there's a happy medium between having and losing thorns, but that would be a much longer discussion so let's just move on). There may be some times where a porcupine losing its quills doesn't make sense, like if dealing with a parent with a degenerative disease of the mind that causes them to lash out or something similar, but every aspect of the book is so vague that it's not really clear under what circumstance you would come to love a porcupine and want to keep them in your life, let alone hug them. I'm just providing some examples from my own thoughts about when you may come to need to hug a porcupine 🤷♀️ Though the book does also mention dealing with porcupines at work. Overall the book is so vague without any concrete examples of anything that it becomes worthless, it's just some EQ-101 tidbits, and you'd likely be better off finding that stuff elsewhere regardless
August 25, 2025
I think I’m gonna start by hugging myself huh
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« Meaningful apologies are the only way to move forward. »
3,5⭐️
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« Meaningful apologies are the only way to move forward. »
3,5⭐️
Read
July 26, 2024I heard this author speak at the Lowcountry Mental Health conference and read this quick read during lunch break! Small snippets of insightful, therapeutically sound ways to handle those difficult people in your life (porcupines) who seem to keep shooting their quills at you no matter how hard you try to avoid them. Dr. Ellis was married to the late Dr. Albert Ellis, found of rational emotive behavior therapy which is a holistic counseling theory specializing in well, rationalizing your emotions in a way that affects your behavior. Putting our irrational thoughts on trials and replacing them with effective beliefs. This book is a quick read with small nuggets of wisdom on how to rationalize your emotions (frustration, anger, hopelessness, resentment) that creep in regarding the people who keep “poking” you. I even got the meet the author and have her sign my book!
Y’all thought I was just a fiction girl but don’t forget I’m a mental health nerd at heart!
Y’all thought I was just a fiction girl but don’t forget I’m a mental health nerd at heart!
January 5, 2024
Eh, this was too much fluff and not enough content for me to consider it a really useful self-help book. The imagery is a gentle way of approaching anger, though.
February 12, 2024
Consider Yourself Hugged
What a humorous and "to the point" little book of easily digested suggestions on dealing with people who make us bristle in all our glory! QUICK, SMART, piercingly metaphorical read that will lead the difficult people in your life to relax and thrive in your relationship with them. Won't always work, but if it doesn't maybe there is some real pathology going on that indicates your hugs may well be covert masochisism on your part. Read and enjoy.
What a humorous and "to the point" little book of easily digested suggestions on dealing with people who make us bristle in all our glory! QUICK, SMART, piercingly metaphorical read that will lead the difficult people in your life to relax and thrive in your relationship with them. Won't always work, but if it doesn't maybe there is some real pathology going on that indicates your hugs may well be covert masochisism on your part. Read and enjoy.
Read
February 7, 2025I feel like if you’ve come to a point where you’re reading this book to navigate difficult people in your life you probably know a lot of the things this book wants to tell you: to separate peoples behaviors from the emotions behind them and always speak to people with patience and empathy knowing you are probably trying to be on the same team as them. If anything, I think this book more makes me think about ways I can minimize BEING the “porcupine” to others in my life (especially saving my best self for the people I love most rather than them being the ones I am short with if I’m feeling overwhelmed/anxious). Overall it was short read to flip through but felt pretty common sense to me
December 11, 2023
A baby porcupine is called a porcupette (!!!)
That's the only valuable thing I gleaned from this book. The rest of the book is a guide to projection and micro-managing other people's feelings and self-expression, all to feel like the superior person. I was thinking this book has "let me speak to a manager" vibes, and lo and behold, Eding has a whole chapter devoted to the very topic.
That's the only valuable thing I gleaned from this book. The rest of the book is a guide to projection and micro-managing other people's feelings and self-expression, all to feel like the superior person. I was thinking this book has "let me speak to a manager" vibes, and lo and behold, Eding has a whole chapter devoted to the very topic.
August 2, 2020
Lectura rápida para entender de forma práctica a las personas que viven algún proceso difícil y por eso sacan sus espinitas como protección. Hay que entender a esas personas y mostrarles que no hay amenaza!
December 10, 2012
I gave this book a four star rating because it gives good suggestions in bite size chunks and in a fun format. The reason I deducted a star is because the tips became redundant.
April 13, 2018
Not a very detailed book. The tips in here are very basic and commonplace.
February 1, 2026
How to Hug a Porcupine is a practical and insightful guide on dealing with difficult people without losing your sanity—or your relationships. Using the metaphor of a porcupine (someone who is prickly, defensive, or emotionally challenging), Dr. John Lewis Lund explores why certain people behave the way they do and how we can respond with empathy, boundaries, and emotional intelligence.
What makes this book powerful is its simplicity. Instead of offering abstract psychology, Lund provides real-life scenarios, relatable examples, and actionable strategies. He explains that most “difficult” people are not intentionally harmful; they are often protecting themselves from past wounds, fears, or insecurities. Understanding this shifts our mindset from frustration to compassion.
The book is especially useful for relationships at work, in families, and in marriages—places where you cannot simply “avoid” people. It teaches how to listen better, communicate without triggering conflict, and maintain self-respect while still being kind.
In essence, How to Hug a Porcupine is not about changing others—it’s about mastering your own emotional responses. It’s a short, easy read, but the lessons are deep and lasting. A highly recommended book for anyone interested in personal growth, leadership, and healthier human relationships.
What makes this book powerful is its simplicity. Instead of offering abstract psychology, Lund provides real-life scenarios, relatable examples, and actionable strategies. He explains that most “difficult” people are not intentionally harmful; they are often protecting themselves from past wounds, fears, or insecurities. Understanding this shifts our mindset from frustration to compassion.
The book is especially useful for relationships at work, in families, and in marriages—places where you cannot simply “avoid” people. It teaches how to listen better, communicate without triggering conflict, and maintain self-respect while still being kind.
In essence, How to Hug a Porcupine is not about changing others—it’s about mastering your own emotional responses. It’s a short, easy read, but the lessons are deep and lasting. A highly recommended book for anyone interested in personal growth, leadership, and healthier human relationships.
November 14, 2025
Man, this was a tough one. I went into this hoping to seek actual practical wisdom for navigating situations with people who land on the trickier side to deal with and I don’t really feel like I even left with anything that didn’t feel like common sense or just bad advice. A lot of the book seemed to be focused on that fact that we’re not responsible for someone’s bad day (agreed) so just accept them being mean to you and don’t get bothered (disagree). This book truly felt like it was something you’d see as an insta series of tidbits to remember on hard day.
(I will add though that the book has a bunch of cute drawings of porcupines scattered throughout which is fun)
All in all, I definitely don’t recommend
(I will add though that the book has a bunch of cute drawings of porcupines scattered throughout which is fun)
All in all, I definitely don’t recommend
January 22, 2026
Peak self-help slop, absoluten braft. Kennis dat ik niet nodig had, maar heel cute geschreven:)
December 16, 2024
een boek dat ge op ‘t toilet ziet liggen en leest snapte
August 8, 2024
This book appears to offer advice on managing difficult people, but critics argue it focuses excessively on accommodating rather than confronting challenging behaviour. While it may be helpful for dealing with temporarily irritable individuals, it falls short when addressing chronically negative or narcissistic personalities. The author seems to prioritise appeasement over assertive communication, leaving readers disappointed in the lack of strategies for handling more toxic relationships.
Main takeaway:
- Try asking questions. If your boss or coworker explodes over a minor issue, it might be due to underlying stress from larger problems, such as tight deadlines. Address the bigger issue directly with a thoughtful question. For instance, saying, “You seem anxious about the deadline. What can I do to help us stay on track?”
Notes:
- in many ways, difficult people are like porcupines. They react defensively when they feel threatened, often due to personal insecurities or criticisms about their behavior. Just as a porcupine raises its quills and becomes defensive, humans can become prickly and combative when their vulnerabilities are exposed. Understanding these defensive behaviors in others can help you navigate interactions more smoothly and avoid unnecessary conflicts.
- Porcupine-like individuals often use harsh words and a loud voice as their primary defense mechanisms, signaling they feel threatened.
- Discover topics that bring them joy, such as hobbies or beloved memories, to create a positive connection.
- Plan ahead before a potential confrontation. Having a course of action in mind helps you stay calm and composed, which stops you from becoming defensive.
- It’s also helpful to know when to stop and take a break during an escalating argument. If you find yourself in a heated exchange, try pausing and waiting for things to calm down. This break gives both parties time to cool off and reflect, allowing for a more rational and productive conversation later.
- a workplace porcupine. These people often escalate disagreements into conflicts, especially when they feel their position is threatened. If you’ve raised a legitimate issue, it’s likely touched a nerve. Instead of backing down, stand your ground calmly and assertively.
- Reframing arguments as disagreements can also help. The term “argument” implies endless conflict, while “disagreement” suggests a temporary stage toward resolution. This shift in perspective encourages constructive communication and cooperation.
Main takeaway:
- Try asking questions. If your boss or coworker explodes over a minor issue, it might be due to underlying stress from larger problems, such as tight deadlines. Address the bigger issue directly with a thoughtful question. For instance, saying, “You seem anxious about the deadline. What can I do to help us stay on track?”
Notes:
- in many ways, difficult people are like porcupines. They react defensively when they feel threatened, often due to personal insecurities or criticisms about their behavior. Just as a porcupine raises its quills and becomes defensive, humans can become prickly and combative when their vulnerabilities are exposed. Understanding these defensive behaviors in others can help you navigate interactions more smoothly and avoid unnecessary conflicts.
- Porcupine-like individuals often use harsh words and a loud voice as their primary defense mechanisms, signaling they feel threatened.
- Discover topics that bring them joy, such as hobbies or beloved memories, to create a positive connection.
- Plan ahead before a potential confrontation. Having a course of action in mind helps you stay calm and composed, which stops you from becoming defensive.
- It’s also helpful to know when to stop and take a break during an escalating argument. If you find yourself in a heated exchange, try pausing and waiting for things to calm down. This break gives both parties time to cool off and reflect, allowing for a more rational and productive conversation later.
- a workplace porcupine. These people often escalate disagreements into conflicts, especially when they feel their position is threatened. If you’ve raised a legitimate issue, it’s likely touched a nerve. Instead of backing down, stand your ground calmly and assertively.
- Reframing arguments as disagreements can also help. The term “argument” implies endless conflict, while “disagreement” suggests a temporary stage toward resolution. This shift in perspective encourages constructive communication and cooperation.
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