How to Fight a Bear...and Win: And 72 Other Real Survival Tips We Hope You'll Never Need

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

From the world leader in fascinating facts and amusing true stories comes a book about how to feed, clothe, and protect yourself in the wilderness…and might even make you want to avoid anything resembling the wilderness forever.

For more than 25 years, Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader has helped you learn amazing things you didn’t know. Now, Uncle John will show you how to do things you didn’t know how to do…and probably should never, never, never actually do, unless you’re in a survival situation and really, really, really need to do.

 

It’s How to Fight a Bear...and Win. A new approach to survival guides and how-to books, this book provides step-by-step instructions for how to make do in any rugged terrain. But if you’re expecting “how to start a fire,” think again. This isn’t the kind of book that will tell you how to make a fire by rubbing two sticks together—it will tell you how to make a fire using a car battery.

 

It will also tell you:

How to swing from a vine like Tarzan
How to land an airplane in an emergency
How to fight a bear…and win
How to perform emergency surgery in the woods
How to identify what insects you can--and cannot--eat
And lots, lots more.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Self Help, Science, Adult

256 pages, Paperback

Published September 24, 2019

About the author

The Bathroom Reader's Institute UJBR boasts more than 12 million books in print and a membership base topping 40,000 loyal readers . . .

Reviews

[Jennifer · Rating 1 out of 5]

Here's an idea... if you plan on heading out into the wilderness, take this book along so you can use it as toilet paper. Don't even bother reading it first. For such a funny title, this book couldn't decide whether it was serious or satire. Unless your idea of funny is eating humans, insects, and roadkill, you probably won't enjoy this. Much of the advice was impractical - if I'm lost in the wilderness, how will I obtain a raw onion? Not something I typically carry with me. Nor do I typically bring a large, heavy pot along so that I can boil a bunch of animal poop. Also, shouldn't it be illegal to write a book with instructions on how to fake your own death? Take my advice, this is better suited for toilet paper.

[Sexy Mo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book I've never read. I saw the chapters and said, "hell yeah!". I recommend this to EVERYONE you've ever known. Or better yet, have it as a night time book. A chapter a night right before you sleep is great for your well-being. ALTHOUGH, you might wanna skip over the eating human flesh chapter if you're 'bout to snooze. Again, 10/10 will read when I get the chance.

[Donna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm a big fan of the Uncle John's Bathroom Reader series, but this book is a complete miss. It tries for the wry tone of the other readers but just comes out sounding juvenile and often flippant when discussing serious topics - for example, its rather graphic description of how to dismember a human corpse (in a chapter about cannibalism) has a disconcertingly cheery tone, and when the very same tone is used in the next chapter (a discussion of how to create cosmetics in the wild - yeah, I'm going to be concerned about my appearance when I don't know where my next meal is coming from), it's just irritating. I'm actually annoyed that I wasted both money and time on this book. Take my word for it and don't bother.

[Marjorie Elwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chock full of fascinating survival tips such as: how to boost your phone signal; how to eat human flesh (including seeking out psychiatric help once you return to civilization); animals you cannot eat because they're poisonous; how to perform an exorcism; and how to fake your own death. Gruesome and surprising (who knew that stinkbugs can live through the cooking process?!), you'll want to read this both before and after the nuclear apocalypse.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Got this as a Christmas present this year and it's weird haha

Obvious satire and kinda funny at times but I don't believe I'd recommend this to anyone. Could be a midly entertaining read while you're in a waiting room and you've arrived at your appointment too early. Otherwise, it's a no from me dog

[Erikka · Rating 2 out of 5]

Could have been better. Some of it was funny, some of it was useful, but a good deal was either dumb or not plausible. Not a fan.

[Dakota Garland · Rating 3 out of 5]

After reading this I'm 97% sure I could kill 2 bears at the same time with my bear hands 😉 🐻 🐻

[Nicki Hinkle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was hilarious! Just the right blend of actual facts on survival skills (like how to make a radio McGuyver style) and funny anecdotes (Just Don't try to fight a bear in the first place, duh!!!)

My Dad is going to love this book when I give it to him for Christmas.

[SheLove2Read · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not sure if this was meant to be Tongue in Cheek or not, but it was amusing and in one or two instances, actually interesting. 3 stars

[William S. Oyster · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars

Very useful book, someday I may have to shoot a bear with a home made gun while protecting my house made of feces. 100 recommended to bring with you at all times or at least absorb the knowledge.

[Andrew · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m only giving 2 stars because they said bear mace shouldn’t be used and that using a stick is a better option because it’s more manly. This alone is why I’m rating it two stars.

[Mayda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will help you survive when it’s just you against the great outdoors. Actually, after you read this book, you will likely never again venture into the great outdoors. Because the outdoors isn’t really all that great. But if you’re foolhardy enough to challenge the woods, this book will help you fight a bear, survive violent storms, tornadoes, and lightning, not eat poisonous berries, weeds, and mushrooms, find edible bark, find natural meds, build a shelter, make fire, and do lots of other things you really never want to do. All this advice about what to do and more importantly, what not to do, is delivered with a large dose of humor. My advice, stay indoors and enjoy reading this book.

[AnnMarie Harvie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a writer, and I’m always looking for ways to make my characters act in a realistic manner. That’s why I got this book. But to be honest, it’s a fun little read. I’ll never have to fight a bear and win, but it’s kind of fun to read about how it can be done. If you’re looking for something late and meaningless, this book is for you. I will say that some of the stuff that they recommend it doesn’t seem realistic to me. You need to have a lot of stuff on hand that you probably wouldn’t have a nature to accomplish some of the survival skills. But as I say, it’s fun to read.

[Azreal]

i read pages 1- 224 on a two hour trip to disney because the traffic was so bad. i just finished the last 30 pages at my local coffee shop and … this book sucks. it’s really gross and the survival tips / tricks are so obscure. if i’m lost in the desert and i need to collect water, why on earth would i have plastic saran wrap in my backpack…. why am i making house bricks out of shit? why do i need to know things i can do with my own shit? why am i making my pee “work for me?”. HOW TO REPOPULATE THE EARTH? this book is just weird and i couldn’t tell if it was satire or serious idk. no stars.

[Patcholi1961 · Rating 1 out of 5]

Surprisingly awful book. I am a fan of Uncle John's books, but this one is just totally 'off'. In addition to the narrative voice being (unnecessarily) breezy and flippant (given the subject matter), it really feels like the fact checkers were asleep-at-the-wheel.

[AJ Payne · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was ok. Quick and silly, but actually with a couple of good tips for survival in it. Some of them assumed a level of equipment one would have to do some of the techniques, which seemed a little far fetched, but overall it was interesting. Ok way to spend an hour.

[Jay Zwelling · Rating 2 out of 5]

A silly book, which had a few laughs and a few sections mildly interesting. But when you get to How to Populate the Earth and How to Make Prison Weapons and lastly How to Perform an Exorcism I was pretty much done.

[Greg Hutchins · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a fun little read. The stories were honestly more fun than most of the tips.

[Sharon Zink · Rating 4 out of 5]

Better than halfway through I realized this book is for laughs and not for real. Enjoyable reading (mostly) about many wilderness survival skills.

[Curtis Hohl · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sort of humorous, quick read. Some interesting tales of survival that are only half believable.

[Dan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was fun enough and reminiscent of survival books I liked as a kid, though I doubt I’d actually rely on its contents in an emergency.

[Brian Kent · Rating 1 out of 5]

There's a chapter titled "How To Eat Human Flesh" (p.148). It explains exactly that. Main points include butchering, preparation, flavor, and emotional trauma.

[Sarah Kemshell · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun book with lots of information. Would only read the once.

[Amaya Okazaki · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely adore satire books like this. This is JUST the survival tips I was looking for.
It was a riot to read. I plan to get a copy for my friends for Christmas this year.

[Pankachu102 · Rating 2 out of 5]

Moderately amusing, but a lot of stuff is about plants, but there is no way to identify the relevant plants.

[Rajesh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not so great tips. I knew most of them. But I guess people in the developed need a manual of this sort, whereas many of the techniques are known to the people in the developing countries. It was an OK read.

[caroline]

picked this up by accident but now I can hotwire a car so...

[Ed Marriott]

Posts of useful and potentially lifesaving tips in this quick bathroom book.