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Letters Never Sent
Book by Van Reken, Ruth
165 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 1988
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147 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
June 26, 2012
A painful memoir of Ruth Van Reken's TCK upbringing. She found solace in turning to God and also went full circle in her relationship with God, her parents, and her family. I read the newest edition and it contains observations, pictures, anecdotes, and additions to her journey to become the TCK fearless trailblazer that she is with speaking to many TCKs and CCKs around the world.
Ruth if you're reading this "Thank you!"
Ruth if you're reading this "Thank you!"
March 6, 2020
This memoir written as letters from the author to her parents is eye-opening not just on the presentation of the Third Culture Kid but also how emotional intelligence can be cultivated or stunted in a family, particular in an evangelical setting.
(TCK—kids who grow up in a culture other than the parent’s culture who develops a sense of relationship to all of the cultures while not having full ownership in any.)
Some of my favorites:
P44 letter regarding the author’s experience of her boarding school superiors and peers telling her to “get over” missing her parents: “Just once, I wish someone would give me a hug and say, ‘I understand. It’s okay to say that the right thing to do hurts. Go ahead and cry.’ ... If only I could find just one person who would understand my tears. ... I just want someone to let me cry without trying to cheer me up or explain all about everything I already know.”
P45 when describing her feelings after a close childhood friend dies “That’s what I’m hanging on to right now—God knows where I am, even if I don’t know where He is.”
P50 writing about her time training as a nurse, “Maybe part of walking by faith is continuing to walk even when the feelings all seem to be gone? It’s holding on to what you know is truth, in spite of changing feelings.”
P129 I loved this description of how a father loves his children well, “May we make sure they also know about a man who loved God above all else, who taught his children not just in formal times, but in the everyday places of life. A man with an overwhelming sense of fairness, not dependent on race or culture.”
P136 the author describes how her harsh self-talk and super high, inflexible standards, “I still expect more from myself by way of duty and service than i do of anyone else. It’s even more than God is asking.”
P158 as the author understands how to accept her feelings and not stuff them, “Jesus said, ‘You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.’ When I no longer have to run and hide from my feeling, not can tell Jesus, as well as others, and them, I’m living in the truth of what and who I am. That frees me to know more of God’s truth as well. There’s total freedom in Jesus. A freedom to be God’s me!”
P162
Comfort is:
1. Not being alone in your suffering.
2. A friend who lets you cry and doesn’t say it will be alright.
3. Having someone who is just there with you in times of stress.
4. Having someone see your family’s needs and quietly meet them.
5. A friend who prays for you when you can’t pray for yourself.
6. A friend who says, “I am there when you need me.”
7. Caring in whatever form it takes.
Ecc 4:1-2
Mat 5:4
Isaiah 61:1-3
II Cor 1:3-4
(TCK—kids who grow up in a culture other than the parent’s culture who develops a sense of relationship to all of the cultures while not having full ownership in any.)
Some of my favorites:
P44 letter regarding the author’s experience of her boarding school superiors and peers telling her to “get over” missing her parents: “Just once, I wish someone would give me a hug and say, ‘I understand. It’s okay to say that the right thing to do hurts. Go ahead and cry.’ ... If only I could find just one person who would understand my tears. ... I just want someone to let me cry without trying to cheer me up or explain all about everything I already know.”
P45 when describing her feelings after a close childhood friend dies “That’s what I’m hanging on to right now—God knows where I am, even if I don’t know where He is.”
P50 writing about her time training as a nurse, “Maybe part of walking by faith is continuing to walk even when the feelings all seem to be gone? It’s holding on to what you know is truth, in spite of changing feelings.”
P129 I loved this description of how a father loves his children well, “May we make sure they also know about a man who loved God above all else, who taught his children not just in formal times, but in the everyday places of life. A man with an overwhelming sense of fairness, not dependent on race or culture.”
P136 the author describes how her harsh self-talk and super high, inflexible standards, “I still expect more from myself by way of duty and service than i do of anyone else. It’s even more than God is asking.”
P158 as the author understands how to accept her feelings and not stuff them, “Jesus said, ‘You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.’ When I no longer have to run and hide from my feeling, not can tell Jesus, as well as others, and them, I’m living in the truth of what and who I am. That frees me to know more of God’s truth as well. There’s total freedom in Jesus. A freedom to be God’s me!”
P162
Comfort is:
1. Not being alone in your suffering.
2. A friend who lets you cry and doesn’t say it will be alright.
3. Having someone who is just there with you in times of stress.
4. Having someone see your family’s needs and quietly meet them.
5. A friend who prays for you when you can’t pray for yourself.
6. A friend who says, “I am there when you need me.”
7. Caring in whatever form it takes.
Ecc 4:1-2
Mat 5:4
Isaiah 61:1-3
II Cor 1:3-4
July 30, 2020
A memoir of a missionary kid processing her experience of growing up abroad, and especially of going to boarding school as a young child, "Letters Never Sent" takes the reader through a process of healing and seeking closeness with God. Written in the form of letters to her parents (the original title is more apt: "Letters I Never Wrote"), this is her story from early childhood through adulthood as the discovery that pain and purpose can co-exist begins to bring comfort & healing.
While unmasking some of the darker sides of missions and especially the family separations that often go along with it, Van Reken still honors the good in her experiences and how much she loves her and parents and loves God. She doesn't look at her experiences in black and white but still gives helpful advice to those who are on a similar journey towards recovery and to parents of TCKs who don't want to repeat her parents' mistakes.
While unmasking some of the darker sides of missions and especially the family separations that often go along with it, Van Reken still honors the good in her experiences and how much she loves her and parents and loves God. She doesn't look at her experiences in black and white but still gives helpful advice to those who are on a similar journey towards recovery and to parents of TCKs who don't want to repeat her parents' mistakes.
June 14, 2019
This book got unearthed during a decluttering stint and I decided to read it before donating it and I’m glad I did. I felt the overall “Christian” theme belied the fact that the author was baring her feelings and showing us her conflicts and suppressed anger and sorrow at the separations that her family felt they had to undertake. She introduces the concept of comfort as something we can give each other and as something God may give the suffering child and by extension the adult. Comfort is a concept we can all understand and need.
August 2, 2022
I wanted to say “this is a good book for ATCKs and TCK caregivers” but truly, I think this is a good book for anyone. Ruth Van Reken’s struggles with faith and feelings and finding a place in the world can be echoed in so many different people. I was almost brought to tears several times. At so many points, it was like looking in a mirror of my emotions, and I’m not even a TCK! This is so valuable not just for understanding the faith struggles and feelings of TCKs, but also for Christians wondering if God really cares about how we feel (He does!)
April 5, 2022
Every TCK should read! These letters express the honest but hidden feelings of a missionary child sent off to boarding school and how it affected her adult life. Also how she recognized and learned to overcome her feelings of having to be perfect and believing that everyone she loved would be taken from her and all the other damage created. Easy to pick up and read for as short or as long as the reader would like.
September 1, 2019
This book really gives you an idea of things that might be happening for kids who's parents are missionaries. She has all these letters that she never sent that kind of explain who she is and then she also shares how she was able to work through the things that happened.
April 26, 2020
Started as a journal, this book, and Ruth's experiences as an "MK" (missionary kid) has morphed into a full time job working on the behalf of Third Culture Kids --
It is absolutely wonderful -- even if you aren't a TCK or Adult Third Culture Kid.
Thank you, Ruth Ellen!
It is absolutely wonderful -- even if you aren't a TCK or Adult Third Culture Kid.
Thank you, Ruth Ellen!
October 22, 2022
An honest and—at times—heart-wrenching account of one women’s experience of growing up overseas. It’s one to read all the way through in order to see, not a life where everything made sense, but a life in which God brought redemption and was found to be big enough no matter the circumstances.
December 2, 2022
I am the daughter of a TCK. Mom talked about her time abroad and in boarding school, but not a lot. This book helped me understand some of her emotions and experiences. Thank you! (Next up, “Third Culture Kids”.)
August 28, 2023
Ruth, a TCK who grew up in Africa, works through her life through a series of letters to her parents and God. Facing her past and present.
Great book by a TCK. Especially of you're a TCK. Very open book about this woman's struggles.
Great book by a TCK. Especially of you're a TCK. Very open book about this woman's struggles.
October 4, 2021
This book is extraordinarily beautiful.
It also made me cry a lot. Joy and sorrow are deeply intertwined, and the book is a treasury of all the raw, unfiltered emotions that the author had filtered and buried back when it was all just beginning and which many of us still filter and bury to this day.
The difference is that most of us are smack dab in the middle of our stories and can't see through to the end. In her life, we get to see the big picture, spread out across not so very many pages. The patterns become visible - the ways each moment of sorrow unearths a new layer of the hurt of the past, yet not too much as to be destructively overwhelming, with times of rest in between until you are able to face back again and go deeper. Everything always spirals back, over and over, and each time is hard but possible to bear, and each time the healing is deeper too. The past is not abandoned to rot and die, but instead tied in to create something bigger. The whole book is a testament to the faithfulness of God, that he was healing her before she even knew what she needed healing from.
As such, it is both extraordinarily beautiful and really quite ordinary. May all our stories be as bright as hers.
It also made me cry a lot. Joy and sorrow are deeply intertwined, and the book is a treasury of all the raw, unfiltered emotions that the author had filtered and buried back when it was all just beginning and which many of us still filter and bury to this day.
The difference is that most of us are smack dab in the middle of our stories and can't see through to the end. In her life, we get to see the big picture, spread out across not so very many pages. The patterns become visible - the ways each moment of sorrow unearths a new layer of the hurt of the past, yet not too much as to be destructively overwhelming, with times of rest in between until you are able to face back again and go deeper. Everything always spirals back, over and over, and each time is hard but possible to bear, and each time the healing is deeper too. The past is not abandoned to rot and die, but instead tied in to create something bigger. The whole book is a testament to the faithfulness of God, that he was healing her before she even knew what she needed healing from.
As such, it is both extraordinarily beautiful and really quite ordinary. May all our stories be as bright as hers.
January 30, 2009
I would recommend this book to anyone who has ever felt as if the church or Christianity (the way it is rendered by imperfect human beings) has failed them, especially in childhood; and yet still understands, or wants to understand, that God always prevails in the end. And God is the only One who can heal all of the hurts of the past, when we let go of our anger and disappointment with Him, caused by our circumstances or those people who claim to know and follow Him.
July 15, 2008
A sad but redeeming look at the life of a missionary kid. Ruth was sent to boarding school at age 6, and it took her many years to recover from the sense of loss and pain that she felt as a result. This book is a series of letters to her parents (never sent) which chronicle her journey to acceptance.
August 8, 2010
Remembering God's faithfulness and life's difficulties is the foundation of this book addressing issues related to Third Culture Kids, missionaries, education and faith. While not brilliantly written, it is quite poignant and fulfills the purposes for which it was written.
July 16, 2013
I liked this a lot, but couldn't get into the Christianity side of it, which was such an important part of the story. The letter format was surprisingly easy to read, and the writing was simple but powerful.
August 20, 2011
Always read the books your therapist recommends.
September 2, 2015
I designed the internals and cover of this book.
Want to read
July 9, 2016Recommended by Sarah
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