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400 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 13, 2018
“Don't you think watching the video is another kind of assault?” I'd meant to say “another rape”, but I backed off the word last-minute. “Rape” was a red word, a ravenous word. It was double-edged, the word “rape”. It would automatically make me an accuser and Mike an accused. And it would immediately and forever afterward make it my job to justify myself, to defend myself as the accuser against all manner of arguments. I would somehow have to transform myself into an unimpeachable fortress of sexual righteousness.
O, let us not forget the deathlessness on these five faces! Look how these bright leaping lights are fed by the darkness pressing in. They are creatures shoulder to shoulder even with their separate minds aflame. Look: Five women circle here on the prospering earth, their faces rapt to the fire and their backs resolute to the night.
I looked up to see a screech owl sitting on a nearby buckthorn. A small, feathered sphere just level with our heads, round yellow eyes returning our gaze with humanoid directness. A solid ten seconds passed before it flew off. Someone sighed, and I felt my own sigh go down through my lungs into my spine. A sinking into the spongy greenblack air, a giving over into unlikelihood and wonder.
We all thought we were different but we weren't. We all thought we were resisting something but we weren't. We all thought that life would be like this forever but it wouldn't. We were going to spend the rest of our lives trying and failing to re-create this feeling of urgency, of specialness, of being smack at the epicentre of everything important and real happening in the world. For the rest of our lives we would yearn for this feeling of exigency and belonging and fullness and passion. From here on in, it would be nostalgia.
“Rape” was a red word, a ravenous word. It was double edged, the word “rape”. It would automatically make me an accuser and Mike an accused. And it would immediately and forever afterward make it my job to justify myself, to defend myself as the accuser against all manner of arguments. I would somehow have to transform myself into an unimpeachable fortress of sexual righteousness”
“Take the issue of frat houses and sororities on US campuses, and the webs of privilege, discrimination (both on racial or lineage grounds) and abuse occasionally levelled at them. It is a phenomenon we are blissfully free of in European third-level education, our knowledge of them mostly drawn from Hollywood comedies where jocks crush empty beer cans on their temples and snooty princesses plot to destroy one another. All very odd when viewed from these shores.”
Those brotherly bonds depend on our debasement. The homosocial contract hasn’t changed since the Trojan War. It operates the same way in the military, with sports teams – anywhere men get together in any organised fashion.
From the start I conceived of this story as a set of events that leaves a lasting and traumatic mark on the novel’s narrator, Karen—so much so that she is compelled to re-visit them, to re-tell the story for herself, fifteen years later (in 2010, when she’s in her mid-30s). In that “present-day” frame, Karen’s long-term relationship has failed and she’s feeling stuck and uninspired in her career; in many respects the past is more lively and real to her than the present. She needs to go back and pick through the wreckage of her college years in order to salvage what was important and let go of the rest, including her own lingering sense of culpability and guilt.