The Four Thoughts That F*ck You Up ... and How to Fix Them: Rewire How You Think in Six Weeks With REBT

by Daniel Fryer

Whatever life throws at you, learn to deal with it in a healthier and more rational way. When it comes to destructive emotions and unhelpful behaviours, you are your own worst enemy. Rather than people or situations driving you to depression, distraction or doughnuts, all too often it’s your own unhealthy beliefs and thought habits that hold you back and f**k everything up. But, what can you do about it? Highly Experienced REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) psychotherapist Daniel Fryer can stop these thoughts from messing up your life using a simple but effective model. In The Four Thoughts that F**k You Up … And How to Fix Them he reveals the four unhealthy beliefs that hold you back ( Dogmatic Demands, Dramas, I Can’t Copes and Pejorative Put-Downs ) and shows you how to replace them with four healthy beliefs ( Flexible Preferences, Perspectives, I Can Copes and Unconditional Acceptance ) – in as little as six weeks. Yes, you read that Just six weeks to a new you. Developed in the mid-fifties by psychotherapist Albert Ellis, REBT is known as the first form of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). Not only is it an effective therapy, but it’s also an excellent philosophy for every day life. With this model, Daniel will help you identify a specific personal challenge and then reframe how you react to it, leading to a calmer, happier you. This approach is especially helpful if you struggle with stress, anxiety, depression, anger or self-doubt, or if you want to improve your relationships with family, colleagues and peers or, simply, yourself. When you free your mind from the thoughts that f**k you up, you’ll never look at anything the same way again. Want to get started?

Genres: Nonfiction, Audiobook, Psychology, Self Help

336 pages, Paperback

Published December 12, 2019

Reviews

[Che · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wholeheartedly believe in REBT after reading this book and I would recommend it to anyone who has said they find value in reading self help books, but for me this was padded and repetitive. While the author admits that the repetitiveness is intentional, using the same stories and real life examples throughout the book became boring quite quickly. In addition, the unnecessary use of footnotes are not my first preference. I found them distracting and they rarely added insight. More frequently they were used as an opportunity to inject light jokes and asides.

All that said, I'm happy I read it, and it's been a positive influence on my life. If I didn't find it helpful, I would have rated it much lower.

[Vana Papagianni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved reading this book, very practical. I would use some of the concepts of REBT with Katie Byron's The Work.
This book shows you a way to challenge limiting beliefs. Below is what I've learned and want to keep practising.
*The four beliefs that Fck you up: 1 Dogmatic demands (all the "must-haves"), 2 Doing a drama/awfulizing, 3 I can't cope/stand it or Low Frustration Tolerance, 4 Put-downs.
*The 3 disputing questions were great: Is the belief true? Does the belief make sense? Does this belief help me?
*RID: Rational/irrational dialogue
*Rating the conviction/belief
*The surprising value of swearing

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A psychotherapist friend of mine recommended this book ... and then hastily apologized for the title. She went on to explain that she uses Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) in her practice and is pretty enthusiastic about the results. This book was published in London, England. The author is a practicing psychologist in Bristol, England. This title is not prominently displayed in many American bookshops. The woman who recommended the book was right. Fryer has a light and informal style (which includes a bit of profanity) while dealing with super-serious problems. He is also distinctly not one of those hyper-zealous proselytizers from whom all sensible run rather than walk away. He confesses that REBT is just one of many therapies in a sort of family of related therapies. In the language of the Old Testament Book of Numbers, Aaron T. Beck created Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which led Albert Ellis to create Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) which begat Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). Would I recommend it? I would only recommend it if I used/tried it. Did I try it? I did follow the steps laid out in the book with considerable success. If you need it, you might well try it. And, if you do, I apologize for the title

[Xrysa Ser · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very nice book, it gives the message with multiple convincing examples. It's probably better read in paper back doing the suggested exercises as you go. If you are struggling with anything related to that it's an excellent guide to work towards handling it.

[Roxanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Curiosity about REBT got me to pick up this book (and not the title, given the innumerable number of book titles recently that feature the F word, purely because one such book became a bestseller).

Having studied CBT briefly (and worked with a therapist to make it practical), I was surprised to find out that REBT precedes most of what we now use as applied CBT and therefore have many similarities to it, especially around the ABC framework structure.

Overall, the book is a good introduction to REBT, equivalent to reading the wikipedia entry on the topic. The style is entertaining and I hope that those who do need help work with a therapist instead or use self-help books only as a supplemental resource to understand the theory & framework.

My own bias against CBT (and REBT based on my exceedingly limited knowledge) originates from its presupposition that all humans are perfectly attuned with their emotions and have perfect self-awareness, which based on my own client work, is simply not true.

It often takes a lot of "teasing out" (hence working with a therapist is good) to help someone appreciate what they're experiencing and how they are experiencing it. The cognitive part can only start when the client understands and can label the emotions they are experiencing.

I would have rated this book as 4-star if, as mentioned in other reviews, if there was less "padding"...

[Alicia Peel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short review:
I have tried the more common form of CBT before and found it never really resonated with or helped me. I am SO SO glad I came across and decided to read this, potentially would even describe it as one of those lifechanging books.

Long version:
I have struggled with mental health for over a decade but never been considered 'f*cked up enough' by the NHS (when I have been in a good enough place to ask for help) to recieve serious treatment. I have been on medication for a while now and my gp kept pushing me to persist with the CBT but as I said it just didn't work for me. However this book resonates with how my mind works so well! Almost unfortunately I haven't been in a bad enough place recently to apply the techniques to a specific area of my life so I didnt really complete the exercises but I definitely found applying the techniques when I had found myself getting to an unhealthy place the odd time has really worked. Its such a shame I hadn't been made aware of this form of CBT sooner but I'm glad I have come across this now. I hope it gains recognition through the NHS. I purchased this as an ebook but im going to buy the actual book to sit next to the lifechanging 'Reasons to Stay Alive' to remind me to go back to it and apply the techniques when I find myself in a bad place or need a refresher.

[Keith Marran · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read an article about REBT and was curious to read more about the topic. I got this book thinking it would be less clinical and more for an average reader than for a therapist or mental health practitioner. I made it about a quarter of the way into the book and started skipping paragraphs because I knew there would be no new information in them. I finally gave up on the book about 60% of the way in. I didn’t connect with teachings of REBT and the examples did not resonate with me at all. The author spends most of the book on the same example of someone that hates to be late and is forced to be late by circumstances out of control. For a psychology book, I thought they could have dug a lot deeper and shown a broader selection of case studies. I really didn’t learn anything for this book.

[Hannah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was excited to read this book and it started off very well however it became extremely repetitive, almost as though the author was just trying to pad out the book. By the time I got to the actual learning of how to fix these thoughts, I was fed up of the book. I really enjoy the authors writing style however it drags on far far too long.

[Naomi Wilson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can see how this would be a helpful book for some people, but I found it far too rigid a structure. REBT seems a much more complex version of CBT- and unnecessarily so. I found the tone of writing to be a little condescending and a lot of unnecessary overkill of basic concepts. Overall, not up there with other recent self help books.

[Cris · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked this book. It is very clear and calls to action from the first moment. I liked this.
I found the exercises very comprehensive and I think that it can really helps with certain thoughts and specific problems.

[🌶 peppersocks 🧦 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reflections and lessons learned:
“Just because something feels awful, doesn’t mean that it is awful…”

Rational emotive behaviour therapy? The first time that I came across this concept was as the book was explaining it - must admit that I hadn’t even spotted it in the subtitle! Interesting twist on what I was expecting though. Probably more of a commentary on me, but I was vaguely anticipating the book to be more of a ‘tut, aren’t some people shits eh? Well there’s nothing you can do about that, but if you be positive, you’ll be fine!’.
Instead, I suddenly find that most of the stress is down to me… oh! Can I trust this person that’s just accused me… of completely accurate diagnosis, but still…? Yes, he’s a therapist with honesty about his own anger at the injustices of the world.

Call me stubborn, but still throughout the book I was waiting for a ‘it’s not you Michelle, it’s them’, but this couldn’t come… darn that mirror showing me what I need to do to be a better person! Maybe if I buy it for the shitty selfish people…? Ok, I’ll stop… it could be me and that’s what I needed to hear

[Donna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this as an audiobook. The first half of the book was quite fascinating, but the second half was repetitive and boring. Why do some books do that...drag you in until you've invested in it and then feel bad for not finishing it?! I put the speed of the narrator up to 2x and still grasped the basics, which didn't amount to much. I can understand how the principle of REBT would help some people, but for me the exercises were bland and repetitive. They felt like they were aimed at an 18-30 year most of the time. The reason? Using an example of 'worrying what people think of you' at parties! By the time you hit your 40's most people have lived enough to lose that fear entirely. If I could advise in one motto what you need to do in life without the need for this kind of therapy, it would be to 'lose the fear'. And that goes for anything and everything in life! It is fear that restricts you, holds you back in life. Fight it and you master your life. Whether it be a fear of spiders, a fear of death, a fear of public speaking, a fear of the dark. Face it full on and your world opens. Even your own thoughts won't be powerful enough to beat them.

[Susanne Mills · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book on the whole and found it really interesting to find out about a different type of therapy. I’ve read a lot of books like this and it was one of the best I’ve read. Definitely made me think about the language that I use and I’ll be buying a physical copy so I can complete the exercises. Worth a read :)

[Victoria Emerson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love self help books - I think that they can provide a whole lot of support to a person if they’re written well. This one was quirky and had great activities to assist with negative perceptions and thought patterns. I didn’t relate with every chapter but there were certainly some handy tips along the way.

[Harbir · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoy reading some self help books. I feel they can provide a whole lot of support for someone, should they be written effectively and properly. I enjoyed listening to the book on audible, it helped me figure out bits about myself I needed to reconfigure and so on. I didn't quite related to every little area, but I did relate to some others and felt like I have received some help.

[Alžběta · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fascinating book about challenging and changing one's limiting beliefs with the help of REBT. I really enjoyed learning new and very different ways of looking at not just problems but life in general. Fascinating and very helpful!

[Here for the reviews · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read Albert Ellis's "How to stubbornly refuse to be miserable" and wanted to read more about REBT (Albert Ellis is the founder of REBT).

This book lacks the punch and the sheer abrasive bracingness of Albert Ellis. It's much less likely to inspire positive action.

Go read Ellis instead.

[Brandon Glass · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great starting point into therapy

[Ellen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Marking this as DNF.

Great title and premise, however the writing and examples were extremely repetitive and as soon as I realised I skimmed half the book I knew it was time to let go.

[Alexander Ninnim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really interesting, would recommend.

[Mihailo Joksimovic · Rating 4 out of 5]

I definitely enjoyed the first two parts of the book. As a REBT attendee of 10+ years, I still found it incredibly valuable so I will surely be rereading those. Part 3 I honestly found quite tedious and I just skimmed through it. Stil definitely recommend for first two parts.

[Becky Manson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A simple and practical book to follow. REBT is definitely going to be something to utilise.