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When I Close My Eyes
Could she ever share the secret of The Awful Year?
There is one story that novelist Josephine Bourdillon shirked from writing. And now she may never have a chance. Trapped in her memories, she lies in a coma.
The man who put her there is just as paralyzed. Former soldier Henry Hughes failed to complete the kill. What's he never received full payment--funds that would ensure surgery for his son.
As detectives investigate disturbing fan letters, a young but not-so-naïve Paige Bourdillon turns to her mother's turbulent past for answers. Could The Awful Year be worse than the one they're living now?
Set against the flaming hills of North Carolina and the peaceful shores of the Mediterranean Sea, When I Close My Eyes tells the story of two families struggling with dysfunction and finding that love is stronger than death.
There is one story that novelist Josephine Bourdillon shirked from writing. And now she may never have a chance. Trapped in her memories, she lies in a coma.
The man who put her there is just as paralyzed. Former soldier Henry Hughes failed to complete the kill. What's he never received full payment--funds that would ensure surgery for his son.
As detectives investigate disturbing fan letters, a young but not-so-naïve Paige Bourdillon turns to her mother's turbulent past for answers. Could The Awful Year be worse than the one they're living now?
Set against the flaming hills of North Carolina and the peaceful shores of the Mediterranean Sea, When I Close My Eyes tells the story of two families struggling with dysfunction and finding that love is stronger than death.
339 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 11, 2018
66 people are currently reading
2267 people want to read
About the author
Elizabeth Musser
42 books706 followersELIZABETH MUSSER writes ‘entertainment with a soul’ from her writing chalet—tool shed—outside Lyon, France. Elizabeth’s award winning, best-selling novel, The Swan House, was named one of Amazon’s Top Christian Books of the Year, one of Georgia’s Top Ten Novels of the Past 100 Years and was awarded the Gold Illumination Book Award 2021 for Enduring Light Fiction. All of Elizabeth’s novels have been translated into multiple languages and have been international bestsellers. Two Destinies, the final novel in The Secrets of the Cross trilogy, was a finalist for the 2013 Christy Award. The Long Highway Home was a finalist for the 2018 Carol Award. The Promised Land won second place in Literary Fiction at the 2021 Georgia Author of the Year Awards and won the 2021 Carol Award for Contemporary Fiction. Elizabeth’s most recent novel, By Way of the Moonlight, is a Publisher’s Weekly Top Ten Pick in Religion and Spirituality for Fall Releases in 2022 and Parable and ECPA bestseller and was a finalist for the 2023 Christy Award.
For over thirty-five years, Elizabeth and her husband, Paul, have been involved in missions’ work in Europe with One Collective, formerly International Teams. The Mussers have two sons, two daughters-in-law and five grandchildren.
Find more about Elizabeth’s novels on her website and on Facebook, Instagram, Bookbub, and Pinterest.
Sign up for her email list https://6231db35.sibforms.com/serve/M....
For over thirty-five years, Elizabeth and her husband, Paul, have been involved in missions’ work in Europe with One Collective, formerly International Teams. The Mussers have two sons, two daughters-in-law and five grandchildren.
Find more about Elizabeth’s novels on her website and on Facebook, Instagram, Bookbub, and Pinterest.
Sign up for her email list https://6231db35.sibforms.com/serve/M....
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 173 reviews
January 2, 2020
A REAL Christian message. A realistic story, which isn't afraid to deal with issues and struggles which Christians have in real life. Shows grace, hope and love the way God intended for His followers. Positive and powerful! Highly recommend!
October 21, 2019
"Faith and mental stability aren't mutually exclusive."
Wow. Can we just go back and read this quote from When I Close My Eyes by Elizabeth Musser again!? This is a message that I think is so very needed in the church today! As a Christian who struggles with mental illness, I know that there can be a true stigma within the Christian community about the issue. We so often hear that sadness or worry are not from God, and that if we only have a stronger faith, we can overcome these issues. That's a really harmful message for anyone dealing with anxiety and depression who already feel that that are falling short. What so many fail to hear is the illness part of that term: mental illness. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc are ILLNESSES. The symptoms may be different, but our attitude toward them should not be... we no more ask for depression than we ask for cancer... nor can we overcome it so easily with a change of attitude.
When I Close My Eyes speaks to that much needed message in such a beautiful way. It tells the fictional story of novelist Josephine Bourdillon, who has been a victim of an attempted assassination. She survives the attack, and the book tells the aftermath of this event through the eyes of Josephine, her daughter Paige and the shooter Henry. While there is some mystery as who hired Henry, and just what happened during 'The Awful Year', it is interesting that this book lets us know right from the start who the shooter is and into his thought process through the ordeal. It truly gives us a great sympathy for him and really brings home the idea of forgiveness and grace that are so important in this story.
As we go back and forth between each character, more and more details are revealed both about the current attack, and the details of Josephine's past and the events during 'The Awful Year'. It is a fantastic in depth look into the mind of someone who is dealing with depression. It is not a lighthearted read, dealing with mental health issues as well as discussion of suicide, but it is one that again is just so needed. For someone who deals with mental health issues of my own, I relate to Josephine's character so strongly, and love that the author truly wrote a character who was very strong in faith, despite her struggles. This is so true for so many Christians who are so often made to feel shame for the thoughts they cannot control. For those who have never dealt with depression, I really hope this book can be eye opening. It may be a work of fiction, but it is such a beautiful representation of that struggle and one that I hope others will take to heart. Despite the heavy nature of the book, it's actually quite an uplifting read with messages of grace and forgiveness.
This is one of the best books I've read this year, and one that I highly recommend.
**I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher via Netgalley for consideration. All thoughts are 100% my own.
Wow. Can we just go back and read this quote from When I Close My Eyes by Elizabeth Musser again!? This is a message that I think is so very needed in the church today! As a Christian who struggles with mental illness, I know that there can be a true stigma within the Christian community about the issue. We so often hear that sadness or worry are not from God, and that if we only have a stronger faith, we can overcome these issues. That's a really harmful message for anyone dealing with anxiety and depression who already feel that that are falling short. What so many fail to hear is the illness part of that term: mental illness. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc are ILLNESSES. The symptoms may be different, but our attitude toward them should not be... we no more ask for depression than we ask for cancer... nor can we overcome it so easily with a change of attitude.
When I Close My Eyes speaks to that much needed message in such a beautiful way. It tells the fictional story of novelist Josephine Bourdillon, who has been a victim of an attempted assassination. She survives the attack, and the book tells the aftermath of this event through the eyes of Josephine, her daughter Paige and the shooter Henry. While there is some mystery as who hired Henry, and just what happened during 'The Awful Year', it is interesting that this book lets us know right from the start who the shooter is and into his thought process through the ordeal. It truly gives us a great sympathy for him and really brings home the idea of forgiveness and grace that are so important in this story.
As we go back and forth between each character, more and more details are revealed both about the current attack, and the details of Josephine's past and the events during 'The Awful Year'. It is a fantastic in depth look into the mind of someone who is dealing with depression. It is not a lighthearted read, dealing with mental health issues as well as discussion of suicide, but it is one that again is just so needed. For someone who deals with mental health issues of my own, I relate to Josephine's character so strongly, and love that the author truly wrote a character who was very strong in faith, despite her struggles. This is so true for so many Christians who are so often made to feel shame for the thoughts they cannot control. For those who have never dealt with depression, I really hope this book can be eye opening. It may be a work of fiction, but it is such a beautiful representation of that struggle and one that I hope others will take to heart. Despite the heavy nature of the book, it's actually quite an uplifting read with messages of grace and forgiveness.
This is one of the best books I've read this year, and one that I highly recommend.
**I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher via Netgalley for consideration. All thoughts are 100% my own.
January 16, 2023
I really wanted to love this and thought that the characters were great. Unfortunately, it had a very unbiblical perspective of therapy and depression. It was so sad to see people enslaved by their depression, and not finding true lasting hope through Scripture.
www.biblicalcounseling.com
www.biblicalcounseling.com
July 3, 2020
3.5 stars
September 14, 2019
I want to shout it out to all how much I LOVED this book and how much it is needed and how brave Elizabeth is for writing it! Real life truths portrayed through a fictional story of attempted murder and secrets. God’s Grace is sufficient but many times we don’t believe we are good enough or deserve it. As one who has also suffered from depression off and on my entire life; I highly suggest others to read this book and learn how to accept and help others with various mental illnesses. It definitely touched me and gave me a renewed feeling of hope.
Thank you to the author for the opportunity to be a part of her street team and reading an early copy of this wonderful book.
Thank you to the author for the opportunity to be a part of her street team and reading an early copy of this wonderful book.
December 27, 2022
This was a page turner. I loved that there were frequent separations between characters speaking which provided easy stopping points, but mostly kept me moving on to see what the next thought or action was. I also liked the way being the hands and feet of Jesus was incorporated and the awareness about mental illness. There were other aspects that I didn't like as much, but overall a good read.
November 26, 2024
I was thoroughly invested in this story from the beginning. A heartbreaking tale of a writer who is going through depression and is shot one day and finds herself in a coma. Also with the pov of her daughter and the shooter comes and tale of heartbreak, redemption and new hope.
I loved the characters in this story, I kept turning the pages to see how their lives enfolded. The author took me on an emotional Rollercoaster, first thinking one thing and then completely turning it around. Such an incredible story that is going to stick with me for awhile.
*trigger warning: mental illness, depression, attempted suicide and illness of a child.
I loved the characters in this story, I kept turning the pages to see how their lives enfolded. The author took me on an emotional Rollercoaster, first thinking one thing and then completely turning it around. Such an incredible story that is going to stick with me for awhile.
*trigger warning: mental illness, depression, attempted suicide and illness of a child.
January 9, 2026
There is so much to say about this book. It took me a long time to read because it seemed so slow at first. But I’m so glad I stuck with it. Actually I can say I’m blessed that I did. By 50% I was so hooked I could not put it down.
So, interestingly — the original title for this book according to the front description on Goodreads was "Als ik mijn ogen sluit". So the original book was in Dutch? Turns out there’s also a documentary by the same name by Elizabeth Musser. I found it interesting, but I’m not sure what it really had to do with the book. Something about closing one’s eyes and memories. That’s all I could gather.
Back to the story. This is about Josephine, an author who was shot in the head by man named Henry who needed the money from this hit job for his son’s heart operation. At first, I thought Henry was just an awful person, but I soon became sympathetic towards him. There were reasons for that, but to say would give away too much of the plot. Josephine survived, but was in a coma with significant brain damage.
This is also about the author’s bright 17 year-old daughter, Paige, who spent her days trying to figure out why this would happen, trying to avoid God's part in her mother's shooting (and let me tell you, this turns out to be significant in a very crucial part of the book). Paige is trying to make sense of her life as well as helping to solve this tragedy.
This is also about Patrick, the authors' husband who desperately loves his wife. And about her troubled, self-focused older sister who I really didn’t like most of the way through the book.
There are two semi-peripheral characters: Paige's very likable older sister, Hannah, who flew home from France, and the sister's childhood best friend, Drake. Now, this is a person you want in your life. A true part of the family with all the kindness and faithfulness so meaningful in friendships. He may have been a supporting cast member, to use a theatrical term, but he was my favorite!.
Along with the murder attempt this is also about depression, PTSD, forgiveness, crises of faith yet faithfulness, it’s about two completely different but loving families, faith and grace. I loved the way the author dealt with depression. I could see so many people benefiting from this book. But even if you’re not depressed, it’s still an amazing work and worth anyone’s time to read. I couldn’t recommend this book more.
So, interestingly — the original title for this book according to the front description on Goodreads was "Als ik mijn ogen sluit". So the original book was in Dutch? Turns out there’s also a documentary by the same name by Elizabeth Musser. I found it interesting, but I’m not sure what it really had to do with the book. Something about closing one’s eyes and memories. That’s all I could gather.
Back to the story. This is about Josephine, an author who was shot in the head by man named Henry who needed the money from this hit job for his son’s heart operation. At first, I thought Henry was just an awful person, but I soon became sympathetic towards him. There were reasons for that, but to say would give away too much of the plot. Josephine survived, but was in a coma with significant brain damage.
This is also about the author’s bright 17 year-old daughter, Paige, who spent her days trying to figure out why this would happen, trying to avoid God's part in her mother's shooting (and let me tell you, this turns out to be significant in a very crucial part of the book). Paige is trying to make sense of her life as well as helping to solve this tragedy.
This is also about Patrick, the authors' husband who desperately loves his wife. And about her troubled, self-focused older sister who I really didn’t like most of the way through the book.
There are two semi-peripheral characters: Paige's very likable older sister, Hannah, who flew home from France, and the sister's childhood best friend, Drake. Now, this is a person you want in your life. A true part of the family with all the kindness and faithfulness so meaningful in friendships. He may have been a supporting cast member, to use a theatrical term, but he was my favorite!.
Along with the murder attempt this is also about depression, PTSD, forgiveness, crises of faith yet faithfulness, it’s about two completely different but loving families, faith and grace. I loved the way the author dealt with depression. I could see so many people benefiting from this book. But even if you’re not depressed, it’s still an amazing work and worth anyone’s time to read. I couldn’t recommend this book more.
October 4, 2019
…”I steadied my Glock, and took aim…In the same moment I heard a voice at the end of the alley call out, “Ms. Bourdillon! You forgot—” and the lady turned as my bullet laced its way silently through the air, so that it hit her on the right side of the head instead of full force in the back, as was my intent. But I saw her fall to the ground, lying in a puddle of blood, as the voice turned into a piercing scream. I disappeared around the corner…..”
I stopped reading at this point and checked to see if I was reading a book by Elizabeth Musser. I hadn’t read the book blurb, just looked at the cover and jumped in. I didn’t expect this opening from what the cover conveyed. After checking all was correct, I adjusted by expectations and settled down for a fascinating, brilliantly written tale told through Henry eyes, (paid assassin), and Paige Josephine’s daughter (budding novelist) with flash backs through bestselling author Josephine’s eyes. I felt readers got a peek into this authors’ personal story (as confirmed in acknowledgements). This was a story close to the authors heart as she gives a peek into her writing world and some of her experiences in France. (where she lives)
While well-known author Josephine Bourdillon lies in a coma the reader gets to know her as she recalls memories from the past, troubled family life involving her free-spirited sister, meeting her husband and how she became an author.
This story is beautifully told as this author tackles tough topics, keeping matters honest, non-preachy and true. The author shows how the lies we believe and tell others creates a web around us that’s hard to break. Issues touched on are suicide, mental illness, depression, friendship, love, acceptance, faith, trust, hope, and forgiveness all wonderfully shared through her soul-searching characters. Musser was able to have readers look at tragic events from a few different angles, sharing through compassionate, loving and graceful eyes. (John 8:31 – 32 Jesus said… you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”)
I appreciate the authors bravery and transparency in writing this story. These topics people don’t like to talk about and/or even think about. I liked how Josephine realizes the lies she’s believed about God, herself and others.
“I had to get to the end of myself before I could figure out how to live again. I thought quite literally and horribly and morbidly that the end of myself was dying. Depression does that, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. We sensitive souls feel everything so deeply. Everything matters, and I could not differentiate between the really big deals and the big deals in my heart that tormented me time and time again.”
This is a surprising, engaging, hopeful read that will bring much discussion for your book club group. The author includes 15 discussion questions to help you go deeper in discussing this novel. This author pens a remarkable story you won’t want to miss.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher, Netgalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising”
Nora St. Laurent
TBCN Where Book Fun Begins! www.bookfun.org
The Book Club Network blog www.psalm516.blogspot.com
Book Fun Catalogue front page www.bookfun.org
I stopped reading at this point and checked to see if I was reading a book by Elizabeth Musser. I hadn’t read the book blurb, just looked at the cover and jumped in. I didn’t expect this opening from what the cover conveyed. After checking all was correct, I adjusted by expectations and settled down for a fascinating, brilliantly written tale told through Henry eyes, (paid assassin), and Paige Josephine’s daughter (budding novelist) with flash backs through bestselling author Josephine’s eyes. I felt readers got a peek into this authors’ personal story (as confirmed in acknowledgements). This was a story close to the authors heart as she gives a peek into her writing world and some of her experiences in France. (where she lives)
While well-known author Josephine Bourdillon lies in a coma the reader gets to know her as she recalls memories from the past, troubled family life involving her free-spirited sister, meeting her husband and how she became an author.
This story is beautifully told as this author tackles tough topics, keeping matters honest, non-preachy and true. The author shows how the lies we believe and tell others creates a web around us that’s hard to break. Issues touched on are suicide, mental illness, depression, friendship, love, acceptance, faith, trust, hope, and forgiveness all wonderfully shared through her soul-searching characters. Musser was able to have readers look at tragic events from a few different angles, sharing through compassionate, loving and graceful eyes. (John 8:31 – 32 Jesus said… you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”)
I appreciate the authors bravery and transparency in writing this story. These topics people don’t like to talk about and/or even think about. I liked how Josephine realizes the lies she’s believed about God, herself and others.
“I had to get to the end of myself before I could figure out how to live again. I thought quite literally and horribly and morbidly that the end of myself was dying. Depression does that, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. We sensitive souls feel everything so deeply. Everything matters, and I could not differentiate between the really big deals and the big deals in my heart that tormented me time and time again.”
This is a surprising, engaging, hopeful read that will bring much discussion for your book club group. The author includes 15 discussion questions to help you go deeper in discussing this novel. This author pens a remarkable story you won’t want to miss.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher, Netgalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising”
Nora St. Laurent
TBCN Where Book Fun Begins! www.bookfun.org
The Book Club Network blog www.psalm516.blogspot.com
Book Fun Catalogue front page www.bookfun.org
June 13, 2020
Confession: When I picked this book up for book club, I didn’t bother reading the description. I mean, yes, I had read the description at some point in the dim, relatively distant past, but I had forgotten the details. As a result, my eyes bugged out of my head when I got to the second page. Having one of your main characters deliberately shoot a woman coming out of a book shop is hardly the typical opening of a Christian fiction novel, especially one outside the suspense genre. Rebel that I am, I was hooked. And that didn’t change over the pages that followed. Not only was the story intriguing—although I knew who pulled the trigger, I didn’t know who had contracted the kill or why—but it also explored the themes of grace and forgiveness in an unforgettable and challenging way.
The story is told from three perspectives. The first is Henry’s, and despite the horror of what he did in the opening pages, I found myself quickly sympathetic to his situation and the way his life circumstances had shaped him. Musser did a superb job of capturing his voice, and his journey from pulling that trigger to the final pages of the novel was totally absorbing.
The second perspective is Paige, the younger of Josephine’s two daughters. Interestingly, Paige is the only member of her family who has turned away from their faith, having been disillusioned by hypocritical behaviour from respected adults in her life who were professing Christians. At the beginning of the book, we’re told she’s sixteen, but that didn’t register with me until much later in the book, and she read more like a woman in her early- to mid-twenties to me. That aside, I loved the way she tussled with her family’s faith in light of what had happened. There is more I would say if I could, but it’s too difficult to do so without giving spoilers.
The third perspective is Josephine’s, which gives the reader glimpses of her past while she remains in a coma. I won’t say any more about her point of view, again to avoid spoilers, but just sum up this review by saying this story really challenged me and resonated with me. Forgiveness and grace are powerful concepts. As Christians, we can so easily take them for granted when they’re extended to us by God, but how ready are we to offer them to others here on earth? The story also deals with mental health issues—again, something that really resonated with me.
A thoroughly absorbing, intriguing, and powerful read.
The story is told from three perspectives. The first is Henry’s, and despite the horror of what he did in the opening pages, I found myself quickly sympathetic to his situation and the way his life circumstances had shaped him. Musser did a superb job of capturing his voice, and his journey from pulling that trigger to the final pages of the novel was totally absorbing.
The second perspective is Paige, the younger of Josephine’s two daughters. Interestingly, Paige is the only member of her family who has turned away from their faith, having been disillusioned by hypocritical behaviour from respected adults in her life who were professing Christians. At the beginning of the book, we’re told she’s sixteen, but that didn’t register with me until much later in the book, and she read more like a woman in her early- to mid-twenties to me. That aside, I loved the way she tussled with her family’s faith in light of what had happened. There is more I would say if I could, but it’s too difficult to do so without giving spoilers.
The third perspective is Josephine’s, which gives the reader glimpses of her past while she remains in a coma. I won’t say any more about her point of view, again to avoid spoilers, but just sum up this review by saying this story really challenged me and resonated with me. Forgiveness and grace are powerful concepts. As Christians, we can so easily take them for granted when they’re extended to us by God, but how ready are we to offer them to others here on earth? The story also deals with mental health issues—again, something that really resonated with me.
A thoroughly absorbing, intriguing, and powerful read.
March 9, 2020
When I Close My Eyes by Elizabeth Musser is a powerful contemporary Christian story that will blow your mind as you witness the awesome love of God for His people and their great love for each other.
The novel has forgiveness and grace at its heart. We are all sinners in need of a Saviour. “Help me to leave the guilt and helplessness behind.” Sometimes we think we are so ‘bad’ that we are disqualified from God’s love. Nothing could be further from the truth. God passionately pursues us until we receive Him and His free gift of grace. “Forgiveness… it changes something in your heart.” When we receive forgiveness we exchange a heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
It is beautiful to watch a character seek the truth of who God is. Questions are asked that draw the character closer to the arms and heart of God. No matter what happens to that character, they receive a peace because they know Jesus.
The truth will set us free. The truth has been hidden for years in an effort to protect but the reality is – a burden has been carried that was never meant to be picked up.
The church is a lifeline in times of trouble. They “needed those people at church, needed their prayers and support.” The support, both practical and spiritual lifts up those without the strength to do so themselves.
Much of the novel is set in an ICU. It is a traumatic time with many heartfelt conversations. Characters experiencing despair are injected with faith and hope by others. Some of the most Christ-like actions come, not from those professing to be Christians but from a character who is actively running from Jesus, unaware that He is pursuing them.
There are some difficult topics of mental illness in the form of depression, PTSD and suicidal thoughts. These are sensitively portrayed.
I found When I Close My Eyes an incredibly powerful novel with much godly advice. There were characters who walked in the footsteps of Jesus, revealing the heart of God. I could not put it down. It was a wow, wow, wow read. I will leave you with this powerful quote:
“I breathe in God’s forgiveness each day and breathe out His grace.”
I received this book for free. A favourable review was not required and all views expressed are my own.
The novel has forgiveness and grace at its heart. We are all sinners in need of a Saviour. “Help me to leave the guilt and helplessness behind.” Sometimes we think we are so ‘bad’ that we are disqualified from God’s love. Nothing could be further from the truth. God passionately pursues us until we receive Him and His free gift of grace. “Forgiveness… it changes something in your heart.” When we receive forgiveness we exchange a heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
It is beautiful to watch a character seek the truth of who God is. Questions are asked that draw the character closer to the arms and heart of God. No matter what happens to that character, they receive a peace because they know Jesus.
The truth will set us free. The truth has been hidden for years in an effort to protect but the reality is – a burden has been carried that was never meant to be picked up.
The church is a lifeline in times of trouble. They “needed those people at church, needed their prayers and support.” The support, both practical and spiritual lifts up those without the strength to do so themselves.
Much of the novel is set in an ICU. It is a traumatic time with many heartfelt conversations. Characters experiencing despair are injected with faith and hope by others. Some of the most Christ-like actions come, not from those professing to be Christians but from a character who is actively running from Jesus, unaware that He is pursuing them.
There are some difficult topics of mental illness in the form of depression, PTSD and suicidal thoughts. These are sensitively portrayed.
I found When I Close My Eyes an incredibly powerful novel with much godly advice. There were characters who walked in the footsteps of Jesus, revealing the heart of God. I could not put it down. It was a wow, wow, wow read. I will leave you with this powerful quote:
“I breathe in God’s forgiveness each day and breathe out His grace.”
I received this book for free. A favourable review was not required and all views expressed are my own.
January 13, 2020
Wow. That . . . was actually really good.
When I Close My Eyes couldn't really keep me hooked at first. I mean, it took me an entire month to get the whole thing read.
Henry's point of view was slightly difficult to read, as he was your typical hillbilly giant, and nearly impossible to connect with. Yet his love for Jase and his struggle to let his son know that he really did love him was endearing. As more of Henry's story comes out, the more you feel like you can understand why he doesn't know how to show affection.
Paige's point of view was drastically different from Henry's, needless to say. Her struggles with belief in God, her stubbornness to keep holding on, her fear of the unknown . . . and Drake. (That's his name? I can't remember #oops) Their relationship was actually really sweet and I enjoyed it a lot. (Until they finally started kissing. #ew)
But my favorite point of view was Josephine's. The flashbacks as she lay in a coma in a hospital bed, starting when she was a little girl and continuing until she had little girls of her own. Her depression, the black 'hole' in her head, The Motte. Patrick.
Overall, When I Close My Eyes was a super good book, and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a heartrending yet uplifting read!
*I received a free e-copy of this book from NetGalley. All thoughts are my own.
When I Close My Eyes couldn't really keep me hooked at first. I mean, it took me an entire month to get the whole thing read.
Henry's point of view was slightly difficult to read, as he was your typical hillbilly giant, and nearly impossible to connect with. Yet his love for Jase and his struggle to let his son know that he really did love him was endearing. As more of Henry's story comes out, the more you feel like you can understand why he doesn't know how to show affection.
Paige's point of view was drastically different from Henry's, needless to say. Her struggles with belief in God, her stubbornness to keep holding on, her fear of the unknown . . . and Drake. (That's his name? I can't remember #oops) Their relationship was actually really sweet and I enjoyed it a lot. (Until they finally started kissing. #ew)
But my favorite point of view was Josephine's. The flashbacks as she lay in a coma in a hospital bed, starting when she was a little girl and continuing until she had little girls of her own. Her depression, the black 'hole' in her head, The Motte. Patrick.
Overall, When I Close My Eyes was a super good book, and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a heartrending yet uplifting read!
*I received a free e-copy of this book from NetGalley. All thoughts are my own.
December 22, 2019
Elizabeth Musser has written a wonderful page-turner of a novel. But it's so much more than that. It speaks so beautifully to those experiencing depression or mental illness, but more than that, it speaks to those (like me) who DON'T know or understand that kind of darkness, helping them to understand in a whole new, more loving and compassionate way, those who struggle. If you're looking for something to read over the holidays that's entertaining, compelling, and ultimately SO uplifting, WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES is just the ticket!
May 11, 2020
So, I'm sitting here in such a stunned stupor of overflowing emotion that I'm not sure if I'm going to make any sense. What a powerful redemptive story! Fraught with the agonies of broken lives and shattered dreams, nevertheless, these characters are lifted out of their pain and fear by the grace and love of a Saviour who has been waiting for them.
Utterly compelling. Told in three first person points of view -- Josephine, a comatose woman living in her past, her seventeen-year-old daughter, Paige and, wait for it...Henry, the hit man who put Josephine in the hospital. Each character is so well fleshed out and easy to relate too -- yes, even Henry. Their words just flowed off the page and into my heart until I felt like I was a part of them. And the way their lives intertwine is magical.
A profoundly stirring celebration of forgiveness and grace and the power of love.
Utterly compelling. Told in three first person points of view -- Josephine, a comatose woman living in her past, her seventeen-year-old daughter, Paige and, wait for it...Henry, the hit man who put Josephine in the hospital. Each character is so well fleshed out and easy to relate too -- yes, even Henry. Their words just flowed off the page and into my heart until I felt like I was a part of them. And the way their lives intertwine is magical.
A profoundly stirring celebration of forgiveness and grace and the power of love.
July 24, 2024
This booked had me hooked from the first paragraph. A story of love and forgiveness this book was amazing. We follow 3 protagonists in this beloved story. Each have a unique own voice to the story, each need forgiveness. Loved the writing, so easy to follow along. This book had me hooked from beginning to end. So worth the 4.5 star rating. Definitely wanting to read more from this terrific author!!
August 11, 2022
I really enjoyed this story. I liked that you saw the story not only from the eyes of Josephine and her daughter, Paige, but through the eyes of the 'hit man' Henry, as well. That lent the book quite a bit of nuance . . . a reminder that perhaps things aren't as black and white as people might want them to be.
Even though we start out knowing 'whodunnit', there were some unexpected twists and turns and mystery surrounding who hired Henry in the first place. I found myself suspecting a few different people throughout the course of the novel, and trying to figure it all out before the reveal.
One thing I particularly enjoyed was that Josephine's point of view was largely told in her memories of growing up from the 1960s to the present day, effectively making it kind of a time-slip novel. A very interesting literary choice, and one that worked well for me as a reader.
I loved that the ideas of hypocrisy and grace were interwoven into each aspect of the story . . . a reminder that it isn't hypocritical to be both a sinner and a Christian . . . that really, that is the only POSSIBLE way for a Christian to be, since Jesus is the only perfect One who has ever walked the earth!
4.5 stars
Even though we start out knowing 'whodunnit', there were some unexpected twists and turns and mystery surrounding who hired Henry in the first place. I found myself suspecting a few different people throughout the course of the novel, and trying to figure it all out before the reveal.
One thing I particularly enjoyed was that Josephine's point of view was largely told in her memories of growing up from the 1960s to the present day, effectively making it kind of a time-slip novel. A very interesting literary choice, and one that worked well for me as a reader.
I loved that the ideas of hypocrisy and grace were interwoven into each aspect of the story . . . a reminder that it isn't hypocritical to be both a sinner and a Christian . . . that really, that is the only POSSIBLE way for a Christian to be, since Jesus is the only perfect One who has ever walked the earth!
4.5 stars
September 18, 2019
I could not stop reading this book! Thank you Elizabeth Musser for incorporating the seriousness of depression with candor and hope. I think you are so brave for writing this story. The characters are so real, the story line so believable, and the touch of suspense kept me reading into the early hours of the morning. I highly recommend it to all story lovers, anyone needing extra grace, and especially to anyone who suffers from depression, or anyone who loves someone who suffers. Well done.
Thank you to Bethany House and Net Galley for the early copy of When I close my Eyes. All opinions are my own.
Thank you to Bethany House and Net Galley for the early copy of When I close my Eyes. All opinions are my own.
March 18, 2021
"Faith and mental instability aren't mutually exclusive". Beautiful handling of a sincere faith admits depression.
March 2, 2020
I enjoy Elizabeth Musser’s novels because they’re something deeper than most Christian fiction.
They’re not afraid to ask tough questions, and When I Close my Eyes is no exception. The start of the novel a little confusing until I realised who the three viewpoint characters were, and why some portions were in italics.
Henry’s son needs his fourth major surgery in seven years, but there’s no money to pay for it. So Henry takes a cash job that will pay a lot … to shoot author Josephine Bourdillon. No, Henry isn’t a hit man. He’s just normal man who loves his son and would do anything for him to be well.
Paige is Josephine’s sassy sixteen-year-old daughter. She’s not a Christian, even though she knows her mother’s novels have strong themes of faith and forgiveness. I liked Paige. She was intelligent, thoughtful, and wise beyond her years. Despite being a teenager, she’s the one who holds the family together in many ways. She also helps the police by going through her mother’s letters and other writing in an effort to find out who is behind the shooting.
Josephine is the third point of view character, but her scenes are shown in italics because they’re not the present story (in which she’s unconscious). They’re snippets of her memories—some good, some not. It’s confusing, because the memories flit around in time, but that makes sense when we realise they are the memories of a woman in a coma.
There are two questions running behind the story. First (for me) is the question of who wants Josephine dead. The reader knows Henry is was the guy with the gun, but he’s not the person who wants Josephine dead. He just wants his son alive, and who can fault him for that? Sure, we can agree his method of getting the money for his son’s operation isn’t great. But is motive is strong and believable, and he’s close enough to the edge that I’m convinced he believed this was the only way. So he’s a sympathetic character. We want him to succeed. Except succeeding means Josephine Bourdillon would be dead, and we don’t want that.
The other question is about The Awful Year, as Paige refers to it. We don’t know what The Awful Year was, or when it was. All we know is that it was so awful, Josephine can’t think about it or write about it, and Paige barely knows what happened. All she knows is that it was awful. Do the events of The Awful Year have anything to do with what’s happening now?
Well, those questions certainly kept me turning the pages. This is probably one of those novels that need to be read and reread to fully appreciate.
Overall, When I Close My Eyes is one of the best novels I’ve read this year, a unique story of forgiveness that deals with some tough issues, including mental illness. The writing is brilliant, the plot and characters are unique, and it’s close to perfect Christian women’s fiction (with a strong dose of suspense). Recommended.
Thanks to Bethany House Publishers and NetGalley for providing a free ebook for review.
They’re not afraid to ask tough questions, and When I Close my Eyes is no exception. The start of the novel a little confusing until I realised who the three viewpoint characters were, and why some portions were in italics.
Henry’s son needs his fourth major surgery in seven years, but there’s no money to pay for it. So Henry takes a cash job that will pay a lot … to shoot author Josephine Bourdillon. No, Henry isn’t a hit man. He’s just normal man who loves his son and would do anything for him to be well.
Paige is Josephine’s sassy sixteen-year-old daughter. She’s not a Christian, even though she knows her mother’s novels have strong themes of faith and forgiveness. I liked Paige. She was intelligent, thoughtful, and wise beyond her years. Despite being a teenager, she’s the one who holds the family together in many ways. She also helps the police by going through her mother’s letters and other writing in an effort to find out who is behind the shooting.
Josephine is the third point of view character, but her scenes are shown in italics because they’re not the present story (in which she’s unconscious). They’re snippets of her memories—some good, some not. It’s confusing, because the memories flit around in time, but that makes sense when we realise they are the memories of a woman in a coma.
There are two questions running behind the story. First (for me) is the question of who wants Josephine dead. The reader knows Henry is was the guy with the gun, but he’s not the person who wants Josephine dead. He just wants his son alive, and who can fault him for that? Sure, we can agree his method of getting the money for his son’s operation isn’t great. But is motive is strong and believable, and he’s close enough to the edge that I’m convinced he believed this was the only way. So he’s a sympathetic character. We want him to succeed. Except succeeding means Josephine Bourdillon would be dead, and we don’t want that.
The other question is about The Awful Year, as Paige refers to it. We don’t know what The Awful Year was, or when it was. All we know is that it was so awful, Josephine can’t think about it or write about it, and Paige barely knows what happened. All she knows is that it was awful. Do the events of The Awful Year have anything to do with what’s happening now?
Well, those questions certainly kept me turning the pages. This is probably one of those novels that need to be read and reread to fully appreciate.
Overall, When I Close My Eyes is one of the best novels I’ve read this year, a unique story of forgiveness that deals with some tough issues, including mental illness. The writing is brilliant, the plot and characters are unique, and it’s close to perfect Christian women’s fiction (with a strong dose of suspense). Recommended.
Thanks to Bethany House Publishers and NetGalley for providing a free ebook for review.
November 6, 2019
When I Close My Eyes by Elizabeth Musser is a captivating and significant story about Josephine Bourdillon who is an author struggling with depression. Yet with her novels, Josephine seeks to impart hope to her readers.
Ms. Musser paints beautiful word pictures of the mountains near Asheville, North Carolina where the Bourdillon’s live: “In the spring the mountains looked green and soft as velvet, but when October came around, the velvet blanket turned into an intricate tapestry of reds and oranges and deep yellows.”
The novel is told from several voices, each of whom is searching for something. For one it is forgiveness, one the meaning of faith and salvation, and one how to exist with overwhelming self doubt.
This is a hard book to read but it is well worth it. Faith seeps from every page even in the midst of adversity.
Josephine, husband Patrick, and daughters Paige and Hannah are a loving family. They are haunted by what the girls call “The Awful Year” never speaking of it but not truly understanding all that happened. But when Josephine lies in a coma from head trauma, the family is forced to confront the circumstances of the past.
Ms. Musser puts her heart into the story showing Patrick as patient, loving, understanding and protective. Josephine is depicted very realistically as someone with a strong faith but who grapples with self worth. Her role as an author sees her longing to touch lives: “I write what touches my heart. What I care about. Injustice, cruelty, prejudice, addiction, depression. I know they’re unsettling things in our society, but I can’t stop writing about them. In my stories there is always hope.”
This book is rich in emotion as each character finds the answers he is seeking and a faith that is real and sustaining.
There is much to take away from this novel not the least of which is Grace. As Josephine realizes: “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. The gift of God, the gift of God. A gift. A gift.”
Ms. Musser care about those with depression and puts helpful information in the afterword for people seeking help and encouragement.
*I received a complimentary copy of this book from Bethany House on behalf of the author. I was not obligated to write a favorable review. All opinions are my own.*
Ms. Musser paints beautiful word pictures of the mountains near Asheville, North Carolina where the Bourdillon’s live: “In the spring the mountains looked green and soft as velvet, but when October came around, the velvet blanket turned into an intricate tapestry of reds and oranges and deep yellows.”
The novel is told from several voices, each of whom is searching for something. For one it is forgiveness, one the meaning of faith and salvation, and one how to exist with overwhelming self doubt.
This is a hard book to read but it is well worth it. Faith seeps from every page even in the midst of adversity.
Josephine, husband Patrick, and daughters Paige and Hannah are a loving family. They are haunted by what the girls call “The Awful Year” never speaking of it but not truly understanding all that happened. But when Josephine lies in a coma from head trauma, the family is forced to confront the circumstances of the past.
Ms. Musser puts her heart into the story showing Patrick as patient, loving, understanding and protective. Josephine is depicted very realistically as someone with a strong faith but who grapples with self worth. Her role as an author sees her longing to touch lives: “I write what touches my heart. What I care about. Injustice, cruelty, prejudice, addiction, depression. I know they’re unsettling things in our society, but I can’t stop writing about them. In my stories there is always hope.”
This book is rich in emotion as each character finds the answers he is seeking and a faith that is real and sustaining.
There is much to take away from this novel not the least of which is Grace. As Josephine realizes: “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. The gift of God, the gift of God. A gift. A gift.”
Ms. Musser care about those with depression and puts helpful information in the afterword for people seeking help and encouragement.
*I received a complimentary copy of this book from Bethany House on behalf of the author. I was not obligated to write a favorable review. All opinions are my own.*
December 30, 2021
De titel was wat me aantrok toen ik het boek zag. De verhaallijn is aardig en neemt je mee langs de verschillende familieleden die betrokken zijn bij het drama (zie samenvatting).
In korte tekstgedeelten ontvouwt het verhaal zich. Steeds lees je een gedeelte gezien door de ogen van de een van de karakters. Ondertussen maakt het verhaal sprongen in de tijd, wordt er geciteerd vanuit de bijbel en vanuit de boeken die de romanschrijfster in het verhaal uitgaf. Als thema's komen naar voren vergeven en genade, depressie, (zelf-)doding en onderling vertrouwen.
Kortom het boek is een mix van een groot aantal ingrediënten.
Schrijven is schrappen...
En daar gaat het in mijn ogen mis in dit boek. In aanvulling op de mix aan ingrediënten is het taalgebruik eenvoudig en vervolgens gelardeerd met vaktechnische woorden. Daarnaast wordt in gegaan op niet relevante details die afleiden van de hoofdlijn.
Wat mij betreft een aardige verhaallijn waar nog een redactieslag over gedaan mag worden.
In korte tekstgedeelten ontvouwt het verhaal zich. Steeds lees je een gedeelte gezien door de ogen van de een van de karakters. Ondertussen maakt het verhaal sprongen in de tijd, wordt er geciteerd vanuit de bijbel en vanuit de boeken die de romanschrijfster in het verhaal uitgaf. Als thema's komen naar voren vergeven en genade, depressie, (zelf-)doding en onderling vertrouwen.
Kortom het boek is een mix van een groot aantal ingrediënten.
Schrijven is schrappen...
En daar gaat het in mijn ogen mis in dit boek. In aanvulling op de mix aan ingrediënten is het taalgebruik eenvoudig en vervolgens gelardeerd met vaktechnische woorden. Daarnaast wordt in gegaan op niet relevante details die afleiden van de hoofdlijn.
Wat mij betreft een aardige verhaallijn waar nog een redactieslag over gedaan mag worden.
October 23, 2019
"When I Close My Eyes" is a Christian fiction with three point-of-view characters: Josephine, an author that struggles with depression, Henry, the assassin that came from an abusive background, and Paige, Josephine's teenage daughter. Since Josephine was in a coma from the assassination attempt, we mainly got her viewpoint through flashbacks of her life from 1968 up to the present.
Josephine wrote impactful novels showing people who dealt with difficult circumstances who found hope through forgiveness and trust in God. Henry began to read Josephine's books after his assassination attempt went wrong. Though there was some mystery about who hired Henry, the focus of the novel was more about if Josephine really believed in the grace that she wrote about since she struggled so deeply with depression. The main characters were complex, realistic people, and I cared about what happened to them.
There was no sex or bad language. Overall, I'd recommend this well-written book.
I received an e-book review copy of this book from the publisher through NetGalley.
Josephine wrote impactful novels showing people who dealt with difficult circumstances who found hope through forgiveness and trust in God. Henry began to read Josephine's books after his assassination attempt went wrong. Though there was some mystery about who hired Henry, the focus of the novel was more about if Josephine really believed in the grace that she wrote about since she struggled so deeply with depression. The main characters were complex, realistic people, and I cared about what happened to them.
There was no sex or bad language. Overall, I'd recommend this well-written book.
I received an e-book review copy of this book from the publisher through NetGalley.
November 5, 2019
There’s so many profound issues cleverly presented in this engrossing novel, the most striking being that of depression and its effects on a family. The subject of depression is portrayed in a very sensitive yet realistic way. Written in the voices of the three main characters, I was at once drawn into their stories. It centers around the attempted murder of a popular Christian author, Josephine, and the search for her assassin. But so many other intricate, yet relatable characters’ stories are woven throughout. What was the Awful Year they allude to about? This is one book I guarantee will keep you up all night reading and thinking about long after the last page.
Thank you to Bethany House Publishing and NetGalley for sending me this book. I was under no obligation to write a positive review and all opinions are my own.
Thank you to Bethany House Publishing and NetGalley for sending me this book. I was under no obligation to write a positive review and all opinions are my own.
January 21, 2024
I am so glad I gave this book a chance. It was so gentle and challenging at the same time. I can see how this book would be difficult to read if you have experienced miscarriages or suicidal ideations or abuse. It’s definitely not for everyone, but it was a great experience for me. The major themes are grace and forgiveness, which I think we could use more of as a society.
Want to read
November 22, 2019Recommended by Sandy.
February 1, 2020
Mooi en fijngevoelig geschreven boek. Onverwachte wendingen. Boek waar je nog lang over nadenkt.
October 20, 2020
What a wonderful story!! It is amazing what goes through your mind when you close your eyes.
June 7, 2023
Grace is such a simple word but sure packs a lot of meaning. I think the story handled the concept of Grace well but I’m still thinking about some of the other issues like depression. The story flowed well even with it changing to different characters constantly.
February 4, 2022
Just so good and full of grace. It reads like a mystery but is filled with everything good. So glad to have discovered a new author.
September 5, 2022
Another new-to-me author which delivered a strong, enjoyable contempered story focused on the difficult subject of depression and what true forgiveness means.
This story also makes one wonder what exactly you will be capable of doing, what lines you will cross, if you are desperate and in deep need.
I really enjoyed this story and will recommend it to fans of contemporary fiction.
*I listened to the audiobook on Scribd.*
This story also makes one wonder what exactly you will be capable of doing, what lines you will cross, if you are desperate and in deep need.
I really enjoyed this story and will recommend it to fans of contemporary fiction.
*I listened to the audiobook on Scribd.*
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