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ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship
This pioneering book explores the impact of ADHD on a couple's sex life and relationship. It explains how a better sex life will benefit your relationship (and vice versa) and why that's especially important for couples with one partner with ADHD.
Grounded in innovative research, ADHD After Dark draws on data from a survey of over 3000 adults in a couple where one partner has ADHD. Written from the author's unique perspective as both an expert in ADHD and a certified sex therapist, the book describes the many effects of ADHD on couples' sex lives and happiness, covering areas such as negotiating sexual differences, performance problems, low desire, porn, making time for sex, infidelity, and more. The book outlines key principles for a great sex life for couples with ADHD and offers strategies and treatment interventions where specific issues arise.
Written in a readable and entertaining style, ADHD After Dark offers clear information on sexuality and relationships and is full of valuable advice on how to improve both. This guide will be an essential read for adults with ADHD, as well as their partners or spouses, and therapists who work with ADHD clients and couples.
Grounded in innovative research, ADHD After Dark draws on data from a survey of over 3000 adults in a couple where one partner has ADHD. Written from the author's unique perspective as both an expert in ADHD and a certified sex therapist, the book describes the many effects of ADHD on couples' sex lives and happiness, covering areas such as negotiating sexual differences, performance problems, low desire, porn, making time for sex, infidelity, and more. The book outlines key principles for a great sex life for couples with ADHD and offers strategies and treatment interventions where specific issues arise.
Written in a readable and entertaining style, ADHD After Dark offers clear information on sexuality and relationships and is full of valuable advice on how to improve both. This guide will be an essential read for adults with ADHD, as well as their partners or spouses, and therapists who work with ADHD clients and couples.
388 pages, ebook
Published July 3, 2019
123 people are currently reading
542 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
May 2, 2022
3.5 stars
I read the summaries of the first section about the survey, read the vast majority of the middle section about how to have a quality sex life, and skimmed the final section about overcoming specific issues. I was close to just returning the book after the first section but found myself appreciating the insight of the second section especially and am grateful I kept reading.
I am a queer, genderfluid, demisexual person, so that is a big reason why I did not jive with this book as much as I was hoping since the survey and book mostly discussed heterosexual couples. Also, it focused on ADHD and non-ADHD pairings, and I'm not sure if my partner has ADHD or not. I learned way more about general how to have a good sex life than about how ADHD impacts sex, though I guess it did make me less concerned about my ADHD impacting my sex life and that there are other things to work on too. Worth a skim at the very least if you're unhappy with your sex life, especially if you or your partner have ADHD.
I read the summaries of the first section about the survey, read the vast majority of the middle section about how to have a quality sex life, and skimmed the final section about overcoming specific issues. I was close to just returning the book after the first section but found myself appreciating the insight of the second section especially and am grateful I kept reading.
I am a queer, genderfluid, demisexual person, so that is a big reason why I did not jive with this book as much as I was hoping since the survey and book mostly discussed heterosexual couples. Also, it focused on ADHD and non-ADHD pairings, and I'm not sure if my partner has ADHD or not. I learned way more about general how to have a good sex life than about how ADHD impacts sex, though I guess it did make me less concerned about my ADHD impacting my sex life and that there are other things to work on too. Worth a skim at the very least if you're unhappy with your sex life, especially if you or your partner have ADHD.
Read
November 27, 2023Some useful stuff here for folks new to this convo or intersection. As a professional in the field of both sexuality and mental health (with a focus on neurodivergence), this wasn’t novel information for me personally but glad this book at the intersection exists? The book would’ve benefitted from a strong editor since it’s reeeeeeally repetitive and that made it pretty hard to get through. Also, sadly it’s extremely cis and heterosexual (and that’s acknowledged in the book) so for someone who isn’t in a cis and hetero situation, it will have way more limited utility. It’s also focused on couples with an ADHD partner and one who isn’t, so has more limited application for couples where both people have ADHD.
August 16, 2023
I am glad that this book exists. I am glad that Ari wrote this book. I know people that are friends with Ari and I respect him. That being said, I have some issues with this book
- The survey is only based on same sex couples where one partner had ADHD. It did not survey couples where both had ADHD or did a base line of couples without ADHD
- In a 300 book his citations are limited. The reference section is only a page long. Even if a survey like this has never been done before, I would have expected much more evidence and background research
- He makes some presumptions/conclusions that need more support. There are claims or statements that even he admits need more research
- At times it feels like he is telling the reader to google more information. Personally this is a technique that I dislike because it makes the author seem lazy
- It seems that the intended audience for this book is; people that have limited knowledge of the impacts of ADHD, people with poor sex education/repressed/purity backgrounds, people already in a relationship
- Much of the book seemed basic. Of course better communication will improve your relationship, managing and taking responsibility for your ADHD will make things better. Obviously sex is healthy and good thing. I hope my partner is masturbating and looking at porn. The list of things goes on
- Just read the last chapter, it is a simple summary
- I have more thoughts about this book. I was really hoping for more from this book
As someone with ADHD and some sexual issues, somehow I was not the target audience for this book. I appreciate that this book was written, I respect Ari, but I wanted more and I hope that there is a more substantial follow up
I cannot say this vociferously enough:
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ADHD, MANAGE YOUR ADHD. IT IS NOT YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY, IT IS YOURS. YOU WANT TO HAVE A BETTER SEX LIFE, COMMUNICATION, THINKING OF THIER NEEDS AND PLEASURE, AND MANAGING YOUR ADHD. ADHD IS NOT AN EXCUSE, IT IS AN ILLNESS THAT INFECTS EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE. TREAT YOUR ADHD BEFORE IT KILLS YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE
- The survey is only based on same sex couples where one partner had ADHD. It did not survey couples where both had ADHD or did a base line of couples without ADHD
- In a 300 book his citations are limited. The reference section is only a page long. Even if a survey like this has never been done before, I would have expected much more evidence and background research
- He makes some presumptions/conclusions that need more support. There are claims or statements that even he admits need more research
- At times it feels like he is telling the reader to google more information. Personally this is a technique that I dislike because it makes the author seem lazy
- It seems that the intended audience for this book is; people that have limited knowledge of the impacts of ADHD, people with poor sex education/repressed/purity backgrounds, people already in a relationship
- Much of the book seemed basic. Of course better communication will improve your relationship, managing and taking responsibility for your ADHD will make things better. Obviously sex is healthy and good thing. I hope my partner is masturbating and looking at porn. The list of things goes on
- Just read the last chapter, it is a simple summary
- I have more thoughts about this book. I was really hoping for more from this book
As someone with ADHD and some sexual issues, somehow I was not the target audience for this book. I appreciate that this book was written, I respect Ari, but I wanted more and I hope that there is a more substantial follow up
I cannot say this vociferously enough:
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ADHD, MANAGE YOUR ADHD. IT IS NOT YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY, IT IS YOURS. YOU WANT TO HAVE A BETTER SEX LIFE, COMMUNICATION, THINKING OF THIER NEEDS AND PLEASURE, AND MANAGING YOUR ADHD. ADHD IS NOT AN EXCUSE, IT IS AN ILLNESS THAT INFECTS EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE. TREAT YOUR ADHD BEFORE IT KILLS YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE
November 28, 2025
A Review of Ari Tuckman's Book on ADHD and Relationships
The book is based on the author's original research. Psychologist Ari Tuckman and his team surveyed fifteen hundred heterosexual couples where one partner has Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). He compiled his data into attractive tables, interspersed it with quotes from reader responses, filled out the volume with practical but somewhat trivial advice, and released it for publication.
I'm not confident the text ever saw an editor-in places, the same paragraphs are duplicated across different chapters - but this didn't bother me; it was just a bit of wabi-sabi.
Before writing this review, however, I want to include a disclaimer: the book is based on statistical data, presenting an average picture that doesn't reflect the specific, individual experience of every person with ADHD or their partner.
What We Learn from the Research
What exactly did the study reveal? People with ADHD are more prone to extramarital sexual activities, are more often interested in kinks, watch pornography more frequently, and masturbate more than people without ADHD. All these traits are more pronounced in men with ADHD than in women. They live in the moment, essentially - both the men and the women - which seems logical for people with significant neuropsychological challenges in maintaining long-term motivation.
One might think, "Here is a paradise of people who simply love sex and are ready to have it." But that is not the case-overall, the couples in this study had sex three times less often than the participants desired. The main killers of the sexual life were identified as problems with trust and the blurring of roles. The non-ADHD partner often has to become a parent to their partner to compensate for their deficits.
Constant re-checking to ensure the partner hasn't forgotten or lost anything, has done everything on time, and hasn't been late is exhausting. This leaves little energy for bedroom adventures, not to mention the resentment and chronic emotional tension that arise.
Another serious problem was health. People with ADHD find it harder to systematically monitor their health at all levels - maintaining a regular diet, sleep schedule, and exercise routine. Their partners often take all this on, even though, the author says, it's reasonable to expect every independent adult to monitor their own health; it is their responsibility.
All unhappy ADHD couples are unhappy in their own way, but they are happy in the same way—in direct proportion to how much effort the ADHD partner puts into compensating for their symptoms, and, consequently, the less work their spouse has to do as a third-shift household manager.
Criticism and Inclusivity
And, of course, I was curious - why is the book getting negative reviews on reader websites?
Readers have two main complaints.
First, they say the book is written more for people without ADHD. Perhaps the partner of someone with ADHD can handle the text without issues, but the person with the attention deficit themselves will struggle to wade through the tables. Therefore, the main negative review from critics is often, "I gave the book to my husband, and he couldn't finish it." I disagree here. Even by trying very hard to make the material as accessible as possible, you cannot write a book that a husband is guaranteed to read. That's not about attention deficit; it's about the system of priorities and values and the distribution of responsibility in the couple, which, by the way, Tuckman writes about extensively.
The other concern readers have is about non-inclusivity and the absence of the experience of same-sex couples in the book. This is true; same-sex couples were not included in the sample. It would be statistically challenging to represent such an experience. You would first need to find people with ADHD, then those among them who are in a relationship, then those whose partner doesn't have ADHD, and from that pool, you'd be lucky to catch about five to seven percent for your statistics. In other words, a potential volunteer for your study would qualify for the same-sex ADHD sample with a probability of about 0.3%, and couples would be even less common.
It seems like a significant drawback for a book about sexuality, but on the other hand, without truly large samples, some phenomena cannot be captured and reflected. This isn't the author deliberately marginalizing anyone; it's purely a matter of statistics.
I would even go further: it's clear that a huge number of experiential variations didn't make it into this study. People who live in countries where this diagnosis isn't given to adults. Asexual or aromantic people who aren't looking for a couple. Polyamorous people who exist not as couples but as whole polycules. And, for the record, ADHD actually has two primary subtypes, and people with ADHD (with hyperactivity) differ from people with ADD (inattentive type), and Tuckman initially only studies one foot of this elephant.
This is far from a universal study, but it is something, and something is always better than nothing, right?
Conclusion
Overall, I think this book is useful for both professionals and the general public. It gave me several personal insights: in particular, I really liked the author's approach to sexual altruism (what we do for a partner when we're "not in the mood" and what they, in turn, do for us) and the idea that in long-term relationships, it's more important to strive for balance than symmetry.
However, its topic is narrow, so it's not a must-read for everyone, unlike books on boundaries, abuse, or communication.
The book is based on the author's original research. Psychologist Ari Tuckman and his team surveyed fifteen hundred heterosexual couples where one partner has Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). He compiled his data into attractive tables, interspersed it with quotes from reader responses, filled out the volume with practical but somewhat trivial advice, and released it for publication.
I'm not confident the text ever saw an editor-in places, the same paragraphs are duplicated across different chapters - but this didn't bother me; it was just a bit of wabi-sabi.
Before writing this review, however, I want to include a disclaimer: the book is based on statistical data, presenting an average picture that doesn't reflect the specific, individual experience of every person with ADHD or their partner.
What We Learn from the Research
What exactly did the study reveal? People with ADHD are more prone to extramarital sexual activities, are more often interested in kinks, watch pornography more frequently, and masturbate more than people without ADHD. All these traits are more pronounced in men with ADHD than in women. They live in the moment, essentially - both the men and the women - which seems logical for people with significant neuropsychological challenges in maintaining long-term motivation.
One might think, "Here is a paradise of people who simply love sex and are ready to have it." But that is not the case-overall, the couples in this study had sex three times less often than the participants desired. The main killers of the sexual life were identified as problems with trust and the blurring of roles. The non-ADHD partner often has to become a parent to their partner to compensate for their deficits.
Constant re-checking to ensure the partner hasn't forgotten or lost anything, has done everything on time, and hasn't been late is exhausting. This leaves little energy for bedroom adventures, not to mention the resentment and chronic emotional tension that arise.
Another serious problem was health. People with ADHD find it harder to systematically monitor their health at all levels - maintaining a regular diet, sleep schedule, and exercise routine. Their partners often take all this on, even though, the author says, it's reasonable to expect every independent adult to monitor their own health; it is their responsibility.
All unhappy ADHD couples are unhappy in their own way, but they are happy in the same way—in direct proportion to how much effort the ADHD partner puts into compensating for their symptoms, and, consequently, the less work their spouse has to do as a third-shift household manager.
Criticism and Inclusivity
And, of course, I was curious - why is the book getting negative reviews on reader websites?
Readers have two main complaints.
First, they say the book is written more for people without ADHD. Perhaps the partner of someone with ADHD can handle the text without issues, but the person with the attention deficit themselves will struggle to wade through the tables. Therefore, the main negative review from critics is often, "I gave the book to my husband, and he couldn't finish it." I disagree here. Even by trying very hard to make the material as accessible as possible, you cannot write a book that a husband is guaranteed to read. That's not about attention deficit; it's about the system of priorities and values and the distribution of responsibility in the couple, which, by the way, Tuckman writes about extensively.
The other concern readers have is about non-inclusivity and the absence of the experience of same-sex couples in the book. This is true; same-sex couples were not included in the sample. It would be statistically challenging to represent such an experience. You would first need to find people with ADHD, then those among them who are in a relationship, then those whose partner doesn't have ADHD, and from that pool, you'd be lucky to catch about five to seven percent for your statistics. In other words, a potential volunteer for your study would qualify for the same-sex ADHD sample with a probability of about 0.3%, and couples would be even less common.
It seems like a significant drawback for a book about sexuality, but on the other hand, without truly large samples, some phenomena cannot be captured and reflected. This isn't the author deliberately marginalizing anyone; it's purely a matter of statistics.
I would even go further: it's clear that a huge number of experiential variations didn't make it into this study. People who live in countries where this diagnosis isn't given to adults. Asexual or aromantic people who aren't looking for a couple. Polyamorous people who exist not as couples but as whole polycules. And, for the record, ADHD actually has two primary subtypes, and people with ADHD (with hyperactivity) differ from people with ADD (inattentive type), and Tuckman initially only studies one foot of this elephant.
This is far from a universal study, but it is something, and something is always better than nothing, right?
Conclusion
Overall, I think this book is useful for both professionals and the general public. It gave me several personal insights: in particular, I really liked the author's approach to sexual altruism (what we do for a partner when we're "not in the mood" and what they, in turn, do for us) and the idea that in long-term relationships, it's more important to strive for balance than symmetry.
However, its topic is narrow, so it's not a must-read for everyone, unlike books on boundaries, abuse, or communication.
July 6, 2025
Audiobook narration is very irritating / smug, I didn’t need someone to mansplain Emily Nagoski’s work to me, and there’s way too much speculation and generalization about the data from of literally ONE survey with a few thousand respondents.
January 17, 2025
This is so unbelievably bad. This is not ADHD friendly (LONG. BORING. REDUNDANT.) and really doesn’t feel like it has anything to do at all with ADHD..
DO NOT RECOMMEND.
DO NOT RECOMMEND.
March 13, 2025
dnf. Too many numbers and statistics to hold my attention. I feel like the content was probably fine without that, but I couldn't bring myself to finish it when I have so many other books to read I know I will better enjoy.
December 5, 2024
Review to come...
September 3, 2025
This book had the potential to be good. It's full of decent info but is entirely too long winded and could have used an editor to help distill down Tuckman's research into a more digestable format.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews