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Space Between: Explorations of Love, Sex, and Fluidity
Actor and LGTBQIA+ advocate Nico Tortorella's narrative investigation of love, sex, gender, addiction, family, fame, and fluidity through the lens of their nonbinary identity
Nico Tortorella is a seeker. Raised on a steady regimen of Ram Dass and raw food, they have always been interested in the more spiritual aspects of life. That is, until the desire for fame and fortune eclipsed their journey toward enlightenment and sent Nico on a downward spiral of addiction and self-destructive behavior. It wasn't until they dug deep and began to examine the fluidity of both their sexuality and gender identity that they became more comfortable in their own skin, got sober from alcohol, entered into an unconventional marriage with the love of their life, and fully embraced a queer lifestyle that afforded them the opportunity to explore life outside the gender binary. It was precisely in that space between that Nico encountered the diverse community of open-minded, supportive peers they'd always dreamed of having.
By expanding on themes explored on their popular podcast, The Love Bomb, Nico shares the intimate details of their romantic partnerships, the dysfunction of their loud but loving Italian family, and the mining of their feminine and masculine identities into one multidimensional, sexually fluid, nonbinary individual. Nico is a leading voice of the fluidity movement by encouraging open dialogue and universal acceptance. Space Between is at once an education for readers, a manifesto for the labeled and label-free generation, and a personal memoir of love, identity, and acceptance.
Nico Tortorella is a seeker. Raised on a steady regimen of Ram Dass and raw food, they have always been interested in the more spiritual aspects of life. That is, until the desire for fame and fortune eclipsed their journey toward enlightenment and sent Nico on a downward spiral of addiction and self-destructive behavior. It wasn't until they dug deep and began to examine the fluidity of both their sexuality and gender identity that they became more comfortable in their own skin, got sober from alcohol, entered into an unconventional marriage with the love of their life, and fully embraced a queer lifestyle that afforded them the opportunity to explore life outside the gender binary. It was precisely in that space between that Nico encountered the diverse community of open-minded, supportive peers they'd always dreamed of having.
By expanding on themes explored on their popular podcast, The Love Bomb, Nico shares the intimate details of their romantic partnerships, the dysfunction of their loud but loving Italian family, and the mining of their feminine and masculine identities into one multidimensional, sexually fluid, nonbinary individual. Nico is a leading voice of the fluidity movement by encouraging open dialogue and universal acceptance. Space Between is at once an education for readers, a manifesto for the labeled and label-free generation, and a personal memoir of love, identity, and acceptance.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published September 19, 2019
80 people are currently reading
1077 people want to read
About the author
Nico Tortorella
5 books102 followersNico Tortorella is an actor, television personality, and author of the poetry collection all of it is you. Nico stars in the hit series Younger and is an outspoken advocate for the LGBTQIA+ community. They live in New York.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 119 reviews
September 20, 2019
I hated Nico's book of poetry, but I teach a unit on deconstructing gender stereotypes to my freshmen, so I thought this might be a good option for them to read as a supplement to their projects.
Nope.
This is an exhausting (despite its short length) dive into faux intellectualism and performative queerness by a white, traditionally attractive, young, male-presenting person who is in a heterosexual marriage with a white, young, female-presenting person, living in a home bought with money earned for playing almost entirely hyper-masculine cis-het characters.
I can tell they're trying to be progressive and inclusive despite their privilege, but it rings false too often. Like Nico calls themself out for cultural appropriation when they drunkenly get dreadlocks but not for journeying twice to the jungles of Peru to go on shamanistic vision quests. They talk about wanting to break down the gender binary but then write things like "she was one of those women who could throw down like a bro." Uneven at best, infuriating at worst.
Nope.
This is an exhausting (despite its short length) dive into faux intellectualism and performative queerness by a white, traditionally attractive, young, male-presenting person who is in a heterosexual marriage with a white, young, female-presenting person, living in a home bought with money earned for playing almost entirely hyper-masculine cis-het characters.
I can tell they're trying to be progressive and inclusive despite their privilege, but it rings false too often. Like Nico calls themself out for cultural appropriation when they drunkenly get dreadlocks but not for journeying twice to the jungles of Peru to go on shamanistic vision quests. They talk about wanting to break down the gender binary but then write things like "she was one of those women who could throw down like a bro." Uneven at best, infuriating at worst.
Read
July 22, 2019This book is so jumbled. There is no narrative flow or structure. While some portions were interesting, the book reminded me of a amateur blog post. Nico's description of themself just seems so performative. Their intent may be more genuine, but their descriptions of experiences and emotions, just seem so performative and contrived.
November 17, 2019
Originally published on The Nerd Daily | Review by Beth Mowbray
“My gender and my sexuality are not defined by what I wear, or even whom I’m sleeping with at any given point. They are defined by who I am. Which is something that is constantly changing as I critique myself and grow as a person. Every new thing I learn changes who I am and how I understand my place in the world. This is my fluidity, this is my space between.”
You probably recognise Nico Tortorella from the hit TV Land show Younger. (If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out. Seriously. Go watch!) Tortorella plays a character by the name of Josh – a charismatic tattoo artist with the best smile you’ve ever seen. Josh falls in love with Liza – a woman in her 40s who convinces everyone she is much younger in order to snag a job in publishing. And a lot of interesting plot points ensue.
Tortorella’s success on this show, however, is but a small part of the journey they share in their book, Space Between: Explorations of Love, Sex, and Fluidity. You may be thinking they are too young to write a memoir at the age of 31. However, there is a lot of life experience and learning packed into those years. The quote above beautifully captures the essence of the story told here—a journey through their childhood and upbringing. An ongoing discovery of their identity. Equal parts education for the masses and introspection on their individual journey.
From the very start, Tortorella makes it clear that they are a work in progress, so to speak. That they are in the midst of learning more about self, identity, interconnectedness with others and the earth around them, and – perhaps most importantly – how to use their role in the public eye to create greater acceptance, inclusion, and change. Tortorella recounts their own personal experiences through the years to give insight into how they have come to understand their identity – an identity that exists outside of the typical labels and choices given by society at large. Yes, there is a great focus on the gender binary, the preconceived definitions of sexuality or sexual orientation, the obvious topics you might expect from the title. But there is also an underlying current that one should not feel constrained between a duality of choices, between this or that, in any aspect of their lives or self-definition. And as Tortorella comes to understand and live in this “space between,” embracing their own fluidity, their life becomes exponentially more full.
Much of what Tortorella explores is related to social constructionist theory – the idea that meaning is created, assigned, and not just one absolute to be discovered. They approach this concept from both the perspective of how we internalise and create our own narratives of our life experiences, as well as how (often quite differently) those outside assign meaning to the ways in which they view us. Tortorella then moves beyond to provide a commentary on how harmful and divisive socially constructed definitions and roles can be, particularly as they often work to the exclusion of minorities and those outside positions of power. However, if we can learn to put aside these assigned definitions, there is beauty in learning who we are. Not only are we then able to find ourselves, but we also are able to find much-needed support and acceptance. In this way, Tortorella pushes the reader to consider the many ways that we may all exist outside of these constructs – what they term the “space between” – as well as how we may accept and honour ourselves, and each other, in healthy ways.
Tortorella unflinchingly says what they mean and means what they say. This memoir is both engaging and touching in the way that they bare their innermost thoughts and experiences for others to learn from. In parts it even reads as a love letter to their spouse, Bethany Meyers, and the other loves that have shaped them along the way. If entered with an open mind and heart, the reader is likely to walk away from this reading experience with a great respect for Tortorella’s ongoing journey, the journey of so many, indeed the journey that we all face in our own ways to learn and express who we are.
“My gender and my sexuality are not defined by what I wear, or even whom I’m sleeping with at any given point. They are defined by who I am. Which is something that is constantly changing as I critique myself and grow as a person. Every new thing I learn changes who I am and how I understand my place in the world. This is my fluidity, this is my space between.”
You probably recognise Nico Tortorella from the hit TV Land show Younger. (If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out. Seriously. Go watch!) Tortorella plays a character by the name of Josh – a charismatic tattoo artist with the best smile you’ve ever seen. Josh falls in love with Liza – a woman in her 40s who convinces everyone she is much younger in order to snag a job in publishing. And a lot of interesting plot points ensue.
Tortorella’s success on this show, however, is but a small part of the journey they share in their book, Space Between: Explorations of Love, Sex, and Fluidity. You may be thinking they are too young to write a memoir at the age of 31. However, there is a lot of life experience and learning packed into those years. The quote above beautifully captures the essence of the story told here—a journey through their childhood and upbringing. An ongoing discovery of their identity. Equal parts education for the masses and introspection on their individual journey.
From the very start, Tortorella makes it clear that they are a work in progress, so to speak. That they are in the midst of learning more about self, identity, interconnectedness with others and the earth around them, and – perhaps most importantly – how to use their role in the public eye to create greater acceptance, inclusion, and change. Tortorella recounts their own personal experiences through the years to give insight into how they have come to understand their identity – an identity that exists outside of the typical labels and choices given by society at large. Yes, there is a great focus on the gender binary, the preconceived definitions of sexuality or sexual orientation, the obvious topics you might expect from the title. But there is also an underlying current that one should not feel constrained between a duality of choices, between this or that, in any aspect of their lives or self-definition. And as Tortorella comes to understand and live in this “space between,” embracing their own fluidity, their life becomes exponentially more full.
Much of what Tortorella explores is related to social constructionist theory – the idea that meaning is created, assigned, and not just one absolute to be discovered. They approach this concept from both the perspective of how we internalise and create our own narratives of our life experiences, as well as how (often quite differently) those outside assign meaning to the ways in which they view us. Tortorella then moves beyond to provide a commentary on how harmful and divisive socially constructed definitions and roles can be, particularly as they often work to the exclusion of minorities and those outside positions of power. However, if we can learn to put aside these assigned definitions, there is beauty in learning who we are. Not only are we then able to find ourselves, but we also are able to find much-needed support and acceptance. In this way, Tortorella pushes the reader to consider the many ways that we may all exist outside of these constructs – what they term the “space between” – as well as how we may accept and honour ourselves, and each other, in healthy ways.
Tortorella unflinchingly says what they mean and means what they say. This memoir is both engaging and touching in the way that they bare their innermost thoughts and experiences for others to learn from. In parts it even reads as a love letter to their spouse, Bethany Meyers, and the other loves that have shaped them along the way. If entered with an open mind and heart, the reader is likely to walk away from this reading experience with a great respect for Tortorella’s ongoing journey, the journey of so many, indeed the journey that we all face in our own ways to learn and express who we are.
April 2, 2020
It’s exciting to see more people coming out as queer and nonbinary, more people questioning and challenging the gender binary. However, I’m finding it hard to enjoy this narrative because so much of the content trips me up. Nico’s life story is so white, so privileged, and brings up their strange beliefs in supernatural phenomena. I don’t want to be dismissive, but some of their beliefs are really out there.
The fact that many people in Nico’s family are racist and homophobic and they’re willing and able to overlook it is the pinnacle of privilege. The way they write about their women/AFAB partners at times feels 2-dimensional, occasionally dismissive, and even comes across as toxic masculinity at some places.
Queerness is not monolithic and queerness doesn’t absolve anyone of racism and other -isms. Some folx might get a lot out of this, but although there are some deft turns of phrase, this book feels a little too performative. I don’t think this is a book I can finish.
The fact that many people in Nico’s family are racist and homophobic and they’re willing and able to overlook it is the pinnacle of privilege. The way they write about their women/AFAB partners at times feels 2-dimensional, occasionally dismissive, and even comes across as toxic masculinity at some places.
Queerness is not monolithic and queerness doesn’t absolve anyone of racism and other -isms. Some folx might get a lot out of this, but although there are some deft turns of phrase, this book feels a little too performative. I don’t think this is a book I can finish.
September 27, 2019
This was so interesting and educational and I hope it will get a wide audience.
Nico is quite the character! Now I know this is an autobiography but they is just something else - and that has nothing to do with the gender identity or sexual preference aspect. A modern day hippie, artist, actor, poet... very diverse and fascinating person to read about.
I loved their family and how regardless of each other’s views and opinions there is still a wonderful bond of love, acceptance and forgiveness when needed.
One thing that definitely hit home for me was just the constant everyday struggle that it is for this community to just go about and live their lives. It is sad and eye opening and it must be tiring to have to always think and gage.
I have to say that my interest started to wane when they got into the jungle, self actualization aspects because it got away from the relationship aspects (though I suppose this was about self relationships). After the second jungle trip (with Bethany) they are engaged and then married and then it was over. It ended too soon! The epilogue states that this is something they will have to discover how to navigate together but that’s hopefully the next story!
I hope that I have not said or used any inappropriate terms. I have a tremendous respect for the journey they has taken to get to this point and that they works tirelessly to make the world a more accepting and loving place for us all. Well done!
Thanks to NetGalley, the author and Crown Publishing for a copy in exchange for a review.
Nico is quite the character! Now I know this is an autobiography but they is just something else - and that has nothing to do with the gender identity or sexual preference aspect. A modern day hippie, artist, actor, poet... very diverse and fascinating person to read about.
I loved their family and how regardless of each other’s views and opinions there is still a wonderful bond of love, acceptance and forgiveness when needed.
One thing that definitely hit home for me was just the constant everyday struggle that it is for this community to just go about and live their lives. It is sad and eye opening and it must be tiring to have to always think and gage.
I have to say that my interest started to wane when they got into the jungle, self actualization aspects because it got away from the relationship aspects (though I suppose this was about self relationships). After the second jungle trip (with Bethany) they are engaged and then married and then it was over. It ended too soon! The epilogue states that this is something they will have to discover how to navigate together but that’s hopefully the next story!
I hope that I have not said or used any inappropriate terms. I have a tremendous respect for the journey they has taken to get to this point and that they works tirelessly to make the world a more accepting and loving place for us all. Well done!
Thanks to NetGalley, the author and Crown Publishing for a copy in exchange for a review.
November 14, 2019
I wanted to love this book whole-heartedly, especially when Nico Tortorella expressed on their Instagram account that this book was their love bomb. I adored so many episodes from that podcast, and I was hoping through this book I'd learn more about Nico's spiritual journey into who they are now-- as I have been watching their transition online and through social media in their lense/pov.
Unfortunately this book just wasn't it. I enjoyed the dialogue between them and their mother, as well as exploration of certain areas of their life- such as understanding their alcoholism and moving beyond it. Alas, a lot of things stood out as problematic to me. While they try to express that capitalism, the patriarchy and imperialism are all issues that hold the queer community back (obviously an agreeable statement) Nico somehow manages to put their foot in their mouth on plenty of occasions. While narrating it is like they try to roll their eyes at the privilege around them, but also they are not acknowledging all of the statements and life events that highlight their own privilege. Overall, I'm not sure how to feel. Obviously this book is SO important, but I wish some issues/areas had been discussed more.
Unfortunately this book just wasn't it. I enjoyed the dialogue between them and their mother, as well as exploration of certain areas of their life- such as understanding their alcoholism and moving beyond it. Alas, a lot of things stood out as problematic to me. While they try to express that capitalism, the patriarchy and imperialism are all issues that hold the queer community back (obviously an agreeable statement) Nico somehow manages to put their foot in their mouth on plenty of occasions. While narrating it is like they try to roll their eyes at the privilege around them, but also they are not acknowledging all of the statements and life events that highlight their own privilege. Overall, I'm not sure how to feel. Obviously this book is SO important, but I wish some issues/areas had been discussed more.
October 29, 2019
Listen with an open mind. Nico is doing important work. He’s using his privilege for good.
I don’t always identify with his spiritual journey, but I don’t discount its importance to his journey.
I don’t always identify with his spiritual journey, but I don’t discount its importance to his journey.
December 30, 2019
Although a little pretentious at times (Tortorella never stops mentioning the title of his first book), Space Between feels like a warm hug. I love the messages of acceptance and activism. It discusses addiction, love, gender, sexuality, polyamory, family, and much more in very mature and realistic ways. I can definitely foresee this book affecting me positively in the future with its promotion of self-acceptance and exploring everything within reach.
4 out of 5
4 out of 5
September 12, 2019
As much as I tried I just couldn't get into this book. It was complicated at times, and the direction of where the book was going was just all over the place. It felt very amateurish to me, almost like a generic blog post.
Rating 2
Rating 2
Read
September 25, 2019As soon as I started with the introduction to this book, I was hooked.
I love the raw and honesty of the words that Author Nico Tortorella pours out in this book.
His words pull you into his world that he has lived.
While reading, I felt the emotions that Nico expressed, wanting others to understand his journey he has so far lived in his life with society.
It was heartbreaking to read his journey that he has had in the past with addictions and his past relationships but it made us the reader understand who he is.
Great read to know why Nico Tortorella is a person you want to know.
5 🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒popped!
I love the raw and honesty of the words that Author Nico Tortorella pours out in this book.
His words pull you into his world that he has lived.
While reading, I felt the emotions that Nico expressed, wanting others to understand his journey he has so far lived in his life with society.
It was heartbreaking to read his journey that he has had in the past with addictions and his past relationships but it made us the reader understand who he is.
Great read to know why Nico Tortorella is a person you want to know.
5 🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒popped!
March 4, 2023
this is truly one of the worst books i’ve ever read. i picture the author voice to texting in their iphone notes and then emailing it to an editor but refusing to accept any edits. it’s incredibly self righteous but also out of touch??? i know the book was published in 2019 but i wonder if nico looks back on it now as the pandemic rages on and feels any type of cringe?? doubt it
December 3, 2019
Space Between: Explorations of Love, Sex, and Fluidity
So many people so many different opinions so I am not going to give you a traditional review just some thoughts
I wonder if I am the only person who picked this up after watching Nico do an interview on television. I have been a fan of Nico since I first saw him on the TV Show Younger. If you haven’t seen it I urge you to start there You will get to see a depiction of Nico that in my opinion is extremely gender normative. Tortorella plays a character by the name of Josh – a charismatic tattoo artist with the best smile you’ve ever seen. Josh falls in love with Liza – a woman in her 40s who convinces everyone she is much younger in order to snag a job in publishing. And a lot of interesting plot points ensue. Writing this actually makes me want to watch the last season. Nevertheless, Tortorella makes this memoir very straight forward and tells the reader right off the bat that they are a work in progress and that made this a very honest read for me. I found parts of this book eye opening and some parts hard to wrap my head around but I do believe that was the point. They use their power from the public eye to bring more awareness to the different aspects of people equality. I know that many people found this a hard read. It really isn’t if you are willing to look at yourself through the lens it was written in.
I loved the aspects of breaking down gender binaries. While I identify myself as straight the way that Nico breaks down the aspects of love, being loved and loving are truly remarkable. I know that many people think that marriage and love should occur between a man and a woman, I think that everyone deserves love and they should be able to receive it in the best way they see fit. Call me too open minded if you will but, I have spent a good part of my life being looked at just for being different that I enjoy being unique in my opinions. Much of what Tortorella explores is related to social constructionist theory – the idea that meaning is created, assigned, and not just one absolute to be discovered. They approach this concept from both the perspective of how we internalize and create our own narratives of our life experiences, as well as how (often quite differently) those outside assign meaning to the ways in which they view us. There is quite more that they can do given that the money and status they acquire is far beyond our reach but this book was a great way to present some social differences so that those of us that want to be more aware can be more aware. Not saying in the slightest that this book is the be all end all for equality it isn’t. For me personally it was just a way of opening up that part of my literary self and wanting to read more on the topic. I have always said people should be treated as people and the way that this book is put together is the best presentation of Nico Tortorella thus far. I will be intrigued to find out what’s next.
So many people so many different opinions so I am not going to give you a traditional review just some thoughts
I wonder if I am the only person who picked this up after watching Nico do an interview on television. I have been a fan of Nico since I first saw him on the TV Show Younger. If you haven’t seen it I urge you to start there You will get to see a depiction of Nico that in my opinion is extremely gender normative. Tortorella plays a character by the name of Josh – a charismatic tattoo artist with the best smile you’ve ever seen. Josh falls in love with Liza – a woman in her 40s who convinces everyone she is much younger in order to snag a job in publishing. And a lot of interesting plot points ensue. Writing this actually makes me want to watch the last season. Nevertheless, Tortorella makes this memoir very straight forward and tells the reader right off the bat that they are a work in progress and that made this a very honest read for me. I found parts of this book eye opening and some parts hard to wrap my head around but I do believe that was the point. They use their power from the public eye to bring more awareness to the different aspects of people equality. I know that many people found this a hard read. It really isn’t if you are willing to look at yourself through the lens it was written in.
I loved the aspects of breaking down gender binaries. While I identify myself as straight the way that Nico breaks down the aspects of love, being loved and loving are truly remarkable. I know that many people think that marriage and love should occur between a man and a woman, I think that everyone deserves love and they should be able to receive it in the best way they see fit. Call me too open minded if you will but, I have spent a good part of my life being looked at just for being different that I enjoy being unique in my opinions. Much of what Tortorella explores is related to social constructionist theory – the idea that meaning is created, assigned, and not just one absolute to be discovered. They approach this concept from both the perspective of how we internalize and create our own narratives of our life experiences, as well as how (often quite differently) those outside assign meaning to the ways in which they view us. There is quite more that they can do given that the money and status they acquire is far beyond our reach but this book was a great way to present some social differences so that those of us that want to be more aware can be more aware. Not saying in the slightest that this book is the be all end all for equality it isn’t. For me personally it was just a way of opening up that part of my literary self and wanting to read more on the topic. I have always said people should be treated as people and the way that this book is put together is the best presentation of Nico Tortorella thus far. I will be intrigued to find out what’s next.
September 25, 2019
Nico Totorella provides an intimate view of their struggles with addiction, fame, and their own identity as a nonbinary bisexual. Their unique perspective on growing up Italian-American, leaving for Hollywood, and struggling to come to terms with their own issues and traumas makes this a journey worth taking, even for readers with little interest in celebrity gossip. Nico examines the conflict between the privileges of their upbringing and the marginalization of their queer identity, emphasized by the response of their family to the stages of their coming-out. Many readers will relate to the progression through identities as they figure out different aspects of their identity, as bisexual, then polyamorous, then nonbinary. At the same time Nico talks about becoming more aware of not only their own identity, but the rest of the world as well, queerness and colonialism and race and gender. Even as they attend an ayahuasca retreat in Peru, they acknowledge the colonialist exploitation of indigenous traditions. This book, while certainly not the last word on being a queer artist/activist/celebrity, is a tolerable starting point for readers looking for more exposure to queer perspectives.
January 20, 2021
It’s hard to describe the journey that this book took me through.
I began wanting to understand the non-binary, for myself as a person, who identifies as a cis-gender woman, who teaches kids from all walks of life, but mostly for the students I teach who speak, or cannot yet, speak their truth.
When I started the book, I felt that Nico portrayed themselves as a narcissist who wanted to tell their story as a way to bring more attention to themselves. I almost stopped reading midpoint.
However, my reason for reading the book was understanding, and I have found understanding. Nico has gone through a journey that I can now understand, even though it’s so different from mine. Anyone who strives to bring attention and justice to issues that affect minority groups, is someone with whom I can side.
I believe Nico IS authentic, something that only really became clear in the latter part of the book for me.
Be you, whoever you are!
There are so many parts of us that don’t fit societal norms, and I love that there are people like Nico who can (in large part because of their privilege) speak for those who can’t or won’t speak for themselves.
I began wanting to understand the non-binary, for myself as a person, who identifies as a cis-gender woman, who teaches kids from all walks of life, but mostly for the students I teach who speak, or cannot yet, speak their truth.
When I started the book, I felt that Nico portrayed themselves as a narcissist who wanted to tell their story as a way to bring more attention to themselves. I almost stopped reading midpoint.
However, my reason for reading the book was understanding, and I have found understanding. Nico has gone through a journey that I can now understand, even though it’s so different from mine. Anyone who strives to bring attention and justice to issues that affect minority groups, is someone with whom I can side.
I believe Nico IS authentic, something that only really became clear in the latter part of the book for me.
Be you, whoever you are!
There are so many parts of us that don’t fit societal norms, and I love that there are people like Nico who can (in large part because of their privilege) speak for those who can’t or won’t speak for themselves.
September 14, 2020
I'm trying to write this review as Nico would want me to, unbiased, non-prejudice, and respectfully.
I definitely tried, when I wrote down notes, as I read. That being said, I don't like the message; not because I disagree with non-binary / fluidity as a concept. It's the way it's branded that leaves a distaste in my mouth.
Nico definitely loves woke, both as a noun and an adjective. The problem is, when Nico uses the word or writes anything that would evoke its definition, Nico doesn't do much to invite adversaries into exploring what it means to be "woke." (Or maybe Nico does, but forgets to take the skeptics on the grand tour.) This leaves the question of who this book is for, exactly. Nico's an activist. Activists reach across borders, right? Isn't that what this book is supposed to do? In reality, (my reality) it read like it was written to act as a cheerleader for his queer fellows. Maybe Nico's relying on his fame to reach to the other side? But, let's be real, the actor / activist isn't THAT famous. I guess any effort helps.
Going back to the topic of acting woke...well....[sigh.] I know it's not his obligation to break any stereotypes. In fact, Nico loves and aspires to emulate all the stereotypes right wingers think modern, semi-famous, Hollywood hipsters act like. Yet, if this book is supposed to be a form of activism, and I do believe Nico intended it to be, Nico has to do more to explain how Nico is the way Nico is and why. Writing about the traumas that had been suffered and how they were coped with is a great start, but even cold-hearted conservatives have traumas. Yes, Nico, conservatives have feelings, believe it or not.
Before I dive into the contents of the book-I don't want to complain too much-I will give a quick briefing of what it is about this brand of woke that rubs me the wrong way. For someone who believes the world and people are multi-dimensional, he really likes to define people in black and white. To Nico, there are only democrats and republicans. It's us against them. That's it. For a book with the word between, there is no between, politically. I guess us readers are not special or possibly woke enough to be "between", like him.
Early in the book, Nico defines what queer means to him. Queer is a verb, an act of rebellion. Keep in mind, what rebellion looks like in Nico's world is having LOTS of sex, getting tattoos, and doing hallucinogenic, natural drugs. Nico doesn't outright say being queer means doing all these things. But, the way Nico writes about Nico's queerness, a reader doesn't get the impression there is much room for queer people to look or act like anything else. But this accidental exclusion goes beyond living the Y.O.L.O life.
To Nico, being "fluid" means being automatically tied with being spiritual. That's the only thing that gives queerness, non-binariness, and fluidity any validation. Not science, sociology, or psychology. Fuck all that. Academics are too heteronormative. Like I said, it's not Nico's obligation to dispell the stereotypes he so obviously embodies, but taking a crack at it for the sake of others who don't proudly embrace those pre-conceived notions would've been nice. I guess we'll never know if there is such thing as an atheist queer person.
One more little rant about the brand of wokeness. Nico, don't bash capitalism, tie it with patriarchy and racism, and brag about your country house, in the same chapter. There can be gay, rich, racist republicans.
In typical Nico fashion, he bashes Hollywood for not making enough space for queer characters. He mentioned no gay superheroes as a good example. Um...ever heard of Ezra Miller? Okay, his character isn't gay, but his fluidity has been celebrated, with the bond to Flash holding strong.
Also, in Nico fashion, tangents are sprinkled throughout tales of Nico's childhood. This is fine, but the fact Nico talks about his younger years so out of order, every side note becomes more of a Spark Note. Seriously, things don't start getting sequential until the 2016 election, so much so you'd think that's when humanity started counting the years.
The childhood years abruptly ends, and Nico goes into all the religious figures Nico has in Nico's new, adult home. Interesting. Nico mentions the dreadlocks Nico once had was cultural appropriation, but all the religious relics crossed together weren't? How? We'll never know! The spirituality isn't very well defined, which makes sense, given the title of the book. None of his ideas are well defined, even what it means to be non-binary / fluid, apart from the way Nico lives it. Yes, that seems like an oxymoron to ask someone to give a solid definition to something that is about not being defined. Bare with me.
Nico says sex and gender are not tied together. They're separate. Yet Nico relays sex and gender to every aspect of a person's life, from life lessons to every day microcosms. So what are sex and gender influenced by, and what makes someone sway away from locking into one category of them? We'll never know.
He does leave a little easter egg of what might influence gender and sex, whether it's one form of those, or many, or none. Energy! That's the force that makes everything what it is. Energy! There you go! So Simple!
The acting career is a typical Hollywood rise and fall. Nico bounced a lot between New York and Los Angeles. Nico went to a lot of parties, and had trouble finding himself. Nico mentioned how Hollywood wasn't open to queer characters, and acting straight was always a career booster, even if it's for a gay role. Then Nico mentioned one of his earliest roles was a bisexual character. I'll leave it at that.
Ultimately, it's a memoir, so the most important thing we need to learn about is Nico, taking first place to the activism. But what makes Nico non-binary / fluid? We'll never really know.
I definitely tried, when I wrote down notes, as I read. That being said, I don't like the message; not because I disagree with non-binary / fluidity as a concept. It's the way it's branded that leaves a distaste in my mouth.
Nico definitely loves woke, both as a noun and an adjective. The problem is, when Nico uses the word or writes anything that would evoke its definition, Nico doesn't do much to invite adversaries into exploring what it means to be "woke." (Or maybe Nico does, but forgets to take the skeptics on the grand tour.) This leaves the question of who this book is for, exactly. Nico's an activist. Activists reach across borders, right? Isn't that what this book is supposed to do? In reality, (my reality) it read like it was written to act as a cheerleader for his queer fellows. Maybe Nico's relying on his fame to reach to the other side? But, let's be real, the actor / activist isn't THAT famous. I guess any effort helps.
Going back to the topic of acting woke...well....[sigh.] I know it's not his obligation to break any stereotypes. In fact, Nico loves and aspires to emulate all the stereotypes right wingers think modern, semi-famous, Hollywood hipsters act like. Yet, if this book is supposed to be a form of activism, and I do believe Nico intended it to be, Nico has to do more to explain how Nico is the way Nico is and why. Writing about the traumas that had been suffered and how they were coped with is a great start, but even cold-hearted conservatives have traumas. Yes, Nico, conservatives have feelings, believe it or not.
Before I dive into the contents of the book-I don't want to complain too much-I will give a quick briefing of what it is about this brand of woke that rubs me the wrong way. For someone who believes the world and people are multi-dimensional, he really likes to define people in black and white. To Nico, there are only democrats and republicans. It's us against them. That's it. For a book with the word between, there is no between, politically. I guess us readers are not special or possibly woke enough to be "between", like him.
Early in the book, Nico defines what queer means to him. Queer is a verb, an act of rebellion. Keep in mind, what rebellion looks like in Nico's world is having LOTS of sex, getting tattoos, and doing hallucinogenic, natural drugs. Nico doesn't outright say being queer means doing all these things. But, the way Nico writes about Nico's queerness, a reader doesn't get the impression there is much room for queer people to look or act like anything else. But this accidental exclusion goes beyond living the Y.O.L.O life.
To Nico, being "fluid" means being automatically tied with being spiritual. That's the only thing that gives queerness, non-binariness, and fluidity any validation. Not science, sociology, or psychology. Fuck all that. Academics are too heteronormative. Like I said, it's not Nico's obligation to dispell the stereotypes he so obviously embodies, but taking a crack at it for the sake of others who don't proudly embrace those pre-conceived notions would've been nice. I guess we'll never know if there is such thing as an atheist queer person.
One more little rant about the brand of wokeness. Nico, don't bash capitalism, tie it with patriarchy and racism, and brag about your country house, in the same chapter. There can be gay, rich, racist republicans.
In typical Nico fashion, he bashes Hollywood for not making enough space for queer characters. He mentioned no gay superheroes as a good example. Um...ever heard of Ezra Miller? Okay, his character isn't gay, but his fluidity has been celebrated, with the bond to Flash holding strong.
Also, in Nico fashion, tangents are sprinkled throughout tales of Nico's childhood. This is fine, but the fact Nico talks about his younger years so out of order, every side note becomes more of a Spark Note. Seriously, things don't start getting sequential until the 2016 election, so much so you'd think that's when humanity started counting the years.
The childhood years abruptly ends, and Nico goes into all the religious figures Nico has in Nico's new, adult home. Interesting. Nico mentions the dreadlocks Nico once had was cultural appropriation, but all the religious relics crossed together weren't? How? We'll never know! The spirituality isn't very well defined, which makes sense, given the title of the book. None of his ideas are well defined, even what it means to be non-binary / fluid, apart from the way Nico lives it. Yes, that seems like an oxymoron to ask someone to give a solid definition to something that is about not being defined. Bare with me.
Nico says sex and gender are not tied together. They're separate. Yet Nico relays sex and gender to every aspect of a person's life, from life lessons to every day microcosms. So what are sex and gender influenced by, and what makes someone sway away from locking into one category of them? We'll never know.
He does leave a little easter egg of what might influence gender and sex, whether it's one form of those, or many, or none. Energy! That's the force that makes everything what it is. Energy! There you go! So Simple!
The acting career is a typical Hollywood rise and fall. Nico bounced a lot between New York and Los Angeles. Nico went to a lot of parties, and had trouble finding himself. Nico mentioned how Hollywood wasn't open to queer characters, and acting straight was always a career booster, even if it's for a gay role. Then Nico mentioned one of his earliest roles was a bisexual character. I'll leave it at that.
Ultimately, it's a memoir, so the most important thing we need to learn about is Nico, taking first place to the activism. But what makes Nico non-binary / fluid? We'll never really know.
January 27, 2025
I have never read a book in one day but I did read this in one day. It was captiviting, mesmerizing, RAW, emotional, mind boggling, mind opening, painful and just about every emotion you can think of. Most of all, it was love. It drained me emotionally at times so I'd break from it and jump back into refreshed. Hey, I'm a 66 year old cis woman. I am feminine to the core but I am masculine as well. I had to be strong for my sons and I put up with a lot of crap just to be still standing. I am evolved and open to all. If I don't understand something, I find out about it. I listen. I learn. I love. I evolve. Thank you, Nico, for being so vulnerable and raw in this book. I am deeply moved. ( and all because I binge watched a show called Younger and could feel deep in my heart and soul that you were special.) And I found out you were. Great, profound read.
August 7, 2020
I won’t be able to eloquently convey how I felt reading this book but I loved all of it. I listened to it on Audible, narrated by the author and I personally feel this is the best way to experience it. Nico is a really great storyteller and I could feel the passion in their voice and the way they unapologetically love with that same passion. Everyone should be able to be who they want to be and love who they want to love and I appreciated hearing Nico’s journey and how they’ve grown into using their celebrity as a voice for those that don’t have a wide platform to stand on. We need more people like this in our world.
January 22, 2020
Eh. I love Nico on Younger (a massively underrated TV show that everyone should watch) and think their activism in pushing for more queer/trans media representation is great. I admire the ambition and lucid amount of detail that went in their memoir—and even found myself deeply engrossed in the first half, where they discussed their upbringing as a young Hollywood starling seduced by the hedonism of fame and the self-destruction that followed.
As an actual book though, it's pretty all over the place. Sprawling anecdotes about Nico's various relationships with family members and lovers are often clunkily intertwined with self-indulgent, self-congratulatory digressions into woke pandering that, more than anything, seemed like a desperate attempt to make a #Statement. I also find their poetry extremely pretentious and grating, but that's just me. I don't doubt Nico has grown tremendously as a person since their coming out, as evidenced by their intermittently interesting but long-winded and repetitive examinations of sexuality and gender toward the end of the book. But in the arena of cohesive, thoughtful autobiographical storytelling, this memoir needed some refining.
As an actual book though, it's pretty all over the place. Sprawling anecdotes about Nico's various relationships with family members and lovers are often clunkily intertwined with self-indulgent, self-congratulatory digressions into woke pandering that, more than anything, seemed like a desperate attempt to make a #Statement. I also find their poetry extremely pretentious and grating, but that's just me. I don't doubt Nico has grown tremendously as a person since their coming out, as evidenced by their intermittently interesting but long-winded and repetitive examinations of sexuality and gender toward the end of the book. But in the arena of cohesive, thoughtful autobiographical storytelling, this memoir needed some refining.
April 21, 2021
Almost never read autobiographies and read this in a single sitting. Have been a fan of Nico tortorella and their platform/ideology for a while, so may be a biased rating. Their discussion of the gender binary, and the problems with that construct, is a refreshing read. It’s an honest portrayal of queer self acceptance
September 26, 2019
I have long been fascinated by Nico Tortorella. This book has only added to that fascination. I think they were very brave and open and I learned a lot while listening to this book.
February 23, 2020
So much truth and authenticity within 288 pages.
Not only have I opened my eyes to the societal ideologies that have been pressed upon - I’ve also expanded my own truth in my own self expression. This book was so real and honest and I recommend it to EVERY BODY.
Not only have I opened my eyes to the societal ideologies that have been pressed upon - I’ve also expanded my own truth in my own self expression. This book was so real and honest and I recommend it to EVERY BODY.
July 5, 2021
I really wanted to enjoy this book because I am fan of Nico. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get into it. However, I did like the Preface, so I may try to give it another shot later this year.
February 8, 2021
Captivating! Nico was vulnerable and their words were raw and real. I felt connected to their journey.
October 7, 2025
As a Cis, married, white woman I realize this book doesn’t seem like anything I would be interested in reading, but that is our society’s problem. If we don’t take time to open ourselves to the lives and beliefs of others, then we will never be able to truly come together. Thank you, Nico for sharing so much of your personal life with us all. I hope I can move forward in my life with as much love and understanding of others. It is all you, it is all me. ❤️
July 24, 2021
Wow. I have no words for how amazing this book is. The author puts all of themself on the page. And dedicates the book to telling the story of a kid who wants to be famous and loses their way. But also allows themself to find their way back. This book is very raw. But I will add a trigger warning because they talk a lot about addiction and mental health issues.
October 25, 2019
This book is a solid 4 stars for me, but the experience of reading (actually listening to the author read the book to me on Audible) is harder to quantify.
It's of course simpler to talk about the aspects of this book that I didn't entirely like. While I enjoy reading about musicians and famous authors who I have inspired me, I am pretty uninterested in reading about the lives of "celebrities." When Tortorella veers in the parts of his life that cover his acting and the privileges that comes with being a celebrity or being wealthy, I felt my interest waning. [Luckily that isn't a huge part of the book.] And while Nico does a commendable job unpacking their privileges when it comes to race and gender, there isn't any (or very little) unpacking of the privileges that come from wealth. Also, while Nico is a very good-looking human being, I think perhaps putting their shirtless torso on the cover of the book detracts from the message in the book. I am imagining some really cool typography, along the lines of Jill Soloway's She Wants It, which I read earlier this year and covers similar terrain; that would have been really cool for this book.
The truth is, though, that despite these quibbles, I actually find a **great** affinity with Nico's perspective on the world and on gender and sexuality. It's been rare in all my reading of LGBTQ+ texts to hear a bisexual/fluid perspective, so there were some spots here where I felt super-seen.
I would recommend this book to those interested in learning about queer perspectives and/or understand their own queerness—but I also think his book is fine exploration of a human soul searching for answers. Nico is a big dreamer who dares to see the world with more generous and forgiving eyes. Nico has real vision. They are also committed to understand how their privileges have threatened their ability to engage in their community (both LGBTQ and the larger world) in a way that truly makes a difference; I have mad respect for that commitment and I feel ya!
At one point they quote a friend, but I think it perfectly describes Nico's project in this book: "I wanted to know what the world hadn't imagined yet." In fact, that could actually be MY own mantra in life. I never tire trying to envision new ways to see the world, and it was a gift to get to read this perspective from someone who shares this core belief.
I love the word "fluidity." I love the word "queer." Both are slippery terms that defy definition and cannot be pinned down. They will also allude your attempts to shrink one's complexity. They are terms that shake and shimmy out of your grasp, all in the name of love and acceptance.
I don't know how I learned about this book, but I'm really glad I read it. I've even started listening to Nico's podcast, The Love Bomb, and I appreciate these opportunities to further understand my place in the LGTBQ++++ community.
It's of course simpler to talk about the aspects of this book that I didn't entirely like. While I enjoy reading about musicians and famous authors who I have inspired me, I am pretty uninterested in reading about the lives of "celebrities." When Tortorella veers in the parts of his life that cover his acting and the privileges that comes with being a celebrity or being wealthy, I felt my interest waning. [Luckily that isn't a huge part of the book.] And while Nico does a commendable job unpacking their privileges when it comes to race and gender, there isn't any (or very little) unpacking of the privileges that come from wealth. Also, while Nico is a very good-looking human being, I think perhaps putting their shirtless torso on the cover of the book detracts from the message in the book. I am imagining some really cool typography, along the lines of Jill Soloway's She Wants It, which I read earlier this year and covers similar terrain; that would have been really cool for this book.
The truth is, though, that despite these quibbles, I actually find a **great** affinity with Nico's perspective on the world and on gender and sexuality. It's been rare in all my reading of LGBTQ+ texts to hear a bisexual/fluid perspective, so there were some spots here where I felt super-seen.
I would recommend this book to those interested in learning about queer perspectives and/or understand their own queerness—but I also think his book is fine exploration of a human soul searching for answers. Nico is a big dreamer who dares to see the world with more generous and forgiving eyes. Nico has real vision. They are also committed to understand how their privileges have threatened their ability to engage in their community (both LGBTQ and the larger world) in a way that truly makes a difference; I have mad respect for that commitment and I feel ya!
At one point they quote a friend, but I think it perfectly describes Nico's project in this book: "I wanted to know what the world hadn't imagined yet." In fact, that could actually be MY own mantra in life. I never tire trying to envision new ways to see the world, and it was a gift to get to read this perspective from someone who shares this core belief.
I love the word "fluidity." I love the word "queer." Both are slippery terms that defy definition and cannot be pinned down. They will also allude your attempts to shrink one's complexity. They are terms that shake and shimmy out of your grasp, all in the name of love and acceptance.
I don't know how I learned about this book, but I'm really glad I read it. I've even started listening to Nico's podcast, The Love Bomb, and I appreciate these opportunities to further understand my place in the LGTBQ++++ community.
January 10, 2021
I first met Nico through their character Josh on Younger.
So when I saw they were writing a book, I immediately had to have it.
That being said, I had no idea what to expect from Nico's life.
Space Between: The Exploration of Love, Sex, and Fluidity.
Nico has always felt like they needed to explore their sexuality and what exactly that would mean for their family, career, and overall well-being. Recently, Nico has decided to use they/them pronouns. Their gender fluidity is constantly moving, adapting, and growing with who they are at any given time. What I found to be an extremely honest explanation for the they/them pronouns (which I wasn't totally sure of how to explain before now) was when they explained that people are multidimensional. We're always juggling more than one character trait at a time but not one trait solely describes us. It seems fitting to refer to Nico as they or them because that's who they feel most comfortable as.
But what I really want to talk about is the dynamic between Nico and their partner Bethany. The love they share for each other is astounding. They have explored every sense of their beings together and have continuously helped each other grow to be the best versions of themselves. They were together through the darkest parts of their addiction, through several relationships (some of which were broken because of their closeness), through experimenting with polyamory, through the rawest forms of love. Their love knows no boundaries.
I was expecting a quick peek into Nico's stardom but instead I got this incredibly raw piece of art that they put their entire heart and soul into. I applaud everything they are doing, from the protests, to the subtle coming outs, to the honesty they share everyday.
This review and more can be found at A Reader's Diary!
So when I saw they were writing a book, I immediately had to have it.
That being said, I had no idea what to expect from Nico's life.
Space Between: The Exploration of Love, Sex, and Fluidity.
Nico has always felt like they needed to explore their sexuality and what exactly that would mean for their family, career, and overall well-being. Recently, Nico has decided to use they/them pronouns. Their gender fluidity is constantly moving, adapting, and growing with who they are at any given time. What I found to be an extremely honest explanation for the they/them pronouns (which I wasn't totally sure of how to explain before now) was when they explained that people are multidimensional. We're always juggling more than one character trait at a time but not one trait solely describes us. It seems fitting to refer to Nico as they or them because that's who they feel most comfortable as.
But what I really want to talk about is the dynamic between Nico and their partner Bethany. The love they share for each other is astounding. They have explored every sense of their beings together and have continuously helped each other grow to be the best versions of themselves. They were together through the darkest parts of their addiction, through several relationships (some of which were broken because of their closeness), through experimenting with polyamory, through the rawest forms of love. Their love knows no boundaries.
I was expecting a quick peek into Nico's stardom but instead I got this incredibly raw piece of art that they put their entire heart and soul into. I applaud everything they are doing, from the protests, to the subtle coming outs, to the honesty they share everyday.
This review and more can be found at A Reader's Diary!
January 9, 2025
I bought this book in 2020 and never read it. I think my spirit knew that I wasn't ready.... Because I wasn't.
This book destroyed me in the best way possible. I have always believed that sexuality was fluid, even really before I knew I was queer in any way. But I never really questioned my gender. Mainly because I never had to. I've never had to deprogram from any idea that I was anything more or less than female. What does that even really mean?
Nico's journey of honesty and self-expression in this book ripped open what I thought and reaffirmed me in ways where I truly felt seen. Thank you.
This book destroyed me in the best way possible. I have always believed that sexuality was fluid, even really before I knew I was queer in any way. But I never really questioned my gender. Mainly because I never had to. I've never had to deprogram from any idea that I was anything more or less than female. What does that even really mean?
Nico's journey of honesty and self-expression in this book ripped open what I thought and reaffirmed me in ways where I truly felt seen. Thank you.
September 16, 2021
Nico can call himself “queer” but he is a fake ass biatch. Claiming to be non-binary and marrying a “woman” is not a real definition of queer. Actors are paid liars and this book is an extension of his lying. He has not been adversely affected by being queer. Overpaid, over privileged and posing as “other” is dis-gusting to those who have actually been oppressed, struck physically, and/or killed. Crawl back into your cave and quit co-opting the real queer person’s narrative/experiences. And non-binary people don’t reproduce.
October 21, 2019
I was really looking forward to reading this book. I am sorry that I did. It was not my cup of tea, per say. I found it to be repetitive in a few areas and boring throughout most of it. Definitely was not a page turner, stay up to read more book. Very disappointed!
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