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The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution: How to Thoughtfully Handle Difficult Situations, Conversations, and Personalities
Successfully handle difficult conversations, remain civil, and end an argument peacefully with this straightforward and mindful guide to conflict resolution.
It’s important to share your thoughts and opinions with others—and even more important to be able to do so without starting an argument or offending someone. Now you can prevent and resolve conflicts with help from this guide covering everything from understanding your own emotions better and learning how to address people in different situations, to getting through a difficult conversation, coming to a positive conclusion, and disengaging yourself when necessary.
The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution provides the essential tools to mindfully communicate during any challenging situation. With this practical and informative guide in hand, you have the power to transform any difficult exchange or disagreement into a positive, constructive conversation.
It’s important to share your thoughts and opinions with others—and even more important to be able to do so without starting an argument or offending someone. Now you can prevent and resolve conflicts with help from this guide covering everything from understanding your own emotions better and learning how to address people in different situations, to getting through a difficult conversation, coming to a positive conclusion, and disengaging yourself when necessary.
The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution provides the essential tools to mindfully communicate during any challenging situation. With this practical and informative guide in hand, you have the power to transform any difficult exchange or disagreement into a positive, constructive conversation.
240 pages, Paperback
Published November 5, 2019
106 people are currently reading
214 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
March 26, 2021
I think this book is a solid 3.5/5. I learned a lot through it, and I found it to be very helpful in many parts. This book, though having the words "conflict resolution" on the title, would be useful for anyone wanting to learn how to better communicate. The lessons in this book can be applied to just about any conversation or relationship, regardless of the tone or intention behind it. As a matter of fact, I've caught myself applying mindfulness to my conversations on the regular, and it's definitely helped improve the quality of those interactions.
However, I wish the first part if the book hadn't been as dry as it was; I had to take it slower than usual (and I was already reading it slow due to working through emotional stuff as I read the book). This made it hard to focus, and it ended up taking me almost a year to finish this read.
However, I wish the first part if the book hadn't been as dry as it was; I had to take it slower than usual (and I was already reading it slow due to working through emotional stuff as I read the book). This made it hard to focus, and it ended up taking me almost a year to finish this read.
August 15, 2020
Anyone who begins a book about mindful conflict resolution and starts the first chapter with an "inspiring" quote from Ronald Reagan gets an automatic "F." The author's website is centered on promoting her leadership development work with heads of state and corporations. Does that truly jive with mindful conflict resolution? Or did she see a market for this book and work backwards from there?
August 13, 2022
This book was published in 2019 so it was disappointing to see that Puiman started chapter 2 - The Power of Interconnection with a Yogi Bhajan quote, "Recognize that the other person is you." First of all, I'm pretty sure he was not the first person to say this and second, his sexual and verbal abuse history with his followers was well known so Puiman was certainly not being mindful of who to quote for her chapters. Ironically she also quotes Ellen Degeneres in Chapter 3 - The Many Layers Within a Conversation, who I believe a year later was losing her popularity because people learned that she permitted a toxic work environment.
I like on page 41 in chapter 2 where the author writes, "If you are a person who is closely attuned to other people's needs and picks up on information that is not actually being said, please do not forget to ask the other person if you are correct in your assumptions. The reason is threefold: (a) you can make mistakes, (b) it's kind, and (c) it is more helpful and effective to let the other person decide the interpretation of the information you've sensed than to draw your own conclusions in silence." I liked this mainly because I've been around people who talk about various situations where they act like they know what the person is feeling but really didn't verify if what they thought they were perceiving was true. To me I think making assumptions is a terribly destructive thing to do in your relations with others. If you are making assumptions then you just simply speculating and to me it makes sense to work with facts and actually verifying someone is angry is a fact. Someone's emotions are a fact because a fact is an object of observation.
Overall I just don't think this book is well written. Puiman labels people as icebergs and that we hide a lot of relevant information about ourselves from others, however, I don't think this is true at all. What I think drives a lot of conflict is unconscious stuff. People are not really self-aware about certain feelings/emotions/experiences they have on a deeper level. There are many things we don't want to acknowledge to ourselves and that's pretty common. We aren't hiding information from others. We hide it from ourselves. This is where mindfulness comes into play but the author completely misses this opportunity to address this.
The author doesn't get into her PAUSE technique until chapter 7. It stands for:
Presence
Acceptance
Undercurrent
Synchronicity
Exchange
Undercurrent is about being aware of the underlying context of the conversation such as sensing subtle shifts in energy or sensing more than just their words. Synchronicity and Exchange don't seem to make sense to me in how it's used in this acronym. Synchronicity is about expecting to be pleasantly surprised and having the mindset of win-win, interconnection, and believing that a positive outcome will happen. Exchange is where you actually communicate and are being mindful what you have to say. Overall I feel this acronym is trying to cover too much and the actual letters in it don't reflect the process. I find it confusing and unhelpful.
I do find amusing the scenarios the author puts together. The conversations are so stilted and the conflicts seem to easily get resolved. Sometimes this book feels like it was written by someone in high school and who has dealt with a small pool of difficult people.
I noticed in Chapter 11 - Using the PAUSE Approach With Coworkers on page 224, they have a section on when you need to give feedback to a colleague. She doesn't actually give any suggestions and just says to refer to Chapter 10 - Using the PAUSE Approach With Friends. I checked this chapter several times and there was no section on feedback. There was a section on when they make poor life choices but to me that isn't quite the same as giving feedback to a coworker so this section wasn't clear or helpful on giving feedback to coworkers.
I do like however, how on page 225 she advises to use questions instead of affirmations. In the section of office bullies, she writes, "Instead of using positive affirmations like 'I can stop this bully' to change your negative self-talk, it turns out to be more helpful to formulate your goal in a question: 'Will I be able to stop this bully?' The reason for this is that questions trigger your curiosity and problem-solving abilities instead of starting an internal war between your negative self-image and the positive-statement."
This book wasn't helpful and probably could have been written as an article. There were a couple of useful tips but most of this book was full of filler and had minimal useful content on minimizing conflict. Her web site is a bit flakey and she doesn't talk about her education so I think there are probably better books on conflict resolution that come from people who have dealt with real conflicts. This woman doesn't seem like she's experienced much conflict in her life so I can't really respect whatever expertise she claims to have. I bet the biggest conflict she ever dealt with was arguing with a Whole Foods cashier over the sticker price of a banana.
I like on page 41 in chapter 2 where the author writes, "If you are a person who is closely attuned to other people's needs and picks up on information that is not actually being said, please do not forget to ask the other person if you are correct in your assumptions. The reason is threefold: (a) you can make mistakes, (b) it's kind, and (c) it is more helpful and effective to let the other person decide the interpretation of the information you've sensed than to draw your own conclusions in silence." I liked this mainly because I've been around people who talk about various situations where they act like they know what the person is feeling but really didn't verify if what they thought they were perceiving was true. To me I think making assumptions is a terribly destructive thing to do in your relations with others. If you are making assumptions then you just simply speculating and to me it makes sense to work with facts and actually verifying someone is angry is a fact. Someone's emotions are a fact because a fact is an object of observation.
Overall I just don't think this book is well written. Puiman labels people as icebergs and that we hide a lot of relevant information about ourselves from others, however, I don't think this is true at all. What I think drives a lot of conflict is unconscious stuff. People are not really self-aware about certain feelings/emotions/experiences they have on a deeper level. There are many things we don't want to acknowledge to ourselves and that's pretty common. We aren't hiding information from others. We hide it from ourselves. This is where mindfulness comes into play but the author completely misses this opportunity to address this.
The author doesn't get into her PAUSE technique until chapter 7. It stands for:
Presence
Acceptance
Undercurrent
Synchronicity
Exchange
Undercurrent is about being aware of the underlying context of the conversation such as sensing subtle shifts in energy or sensing more than just their words. Synchronicity and Exchange don't seem to make sense to me in how it's used in this acronym. Synchronicity is about expecting to be pleasantly surprised and having the mindset of win-win, interconnection, and believing that a positive outcome will happen. Exchange is where you actually communicate and are being mindful what you have to say. Overall I feel this acronym is trying to cover too much and the actual letters in it don't reflect the process. I find it confusing and unhelpful.
I do find amusing the scenarios the author puts together. The conversations are so stilted and the conflicts seem to easily get resolved. Sometimes this book feels like it was written by someone in high school and who has dealt with a small pool of difficult people.
I noticed in Chapter 11 - Using the PAUSE Approach With Coworkers on page 224, they have a section on when you need to give feedback to a colleague. She doesn't actually give any suggestions and just says to refer to Chapter 10 - Using the PAUSE Approach With Friends. I checked this chapter several times and there was no section on feedback. There was a section on when they make poor life choices but to me that isn't quite the same as giving feedback to a coworker so this section wasn't clear or helpful on giving feedback to coworkers.
I do like however, how on page 225 she advises to use questions instead of affirmations. In the section of office bullies, she writes, "Instead of using positive affirmations like 'I can stop this bully' to change your negative self-talk, it turns out to be more helpful to formulate your goal in a question: 'Will I be able to stop this bully?' The reason for this is that questions trigger your curiosity and problem-solving abilities instead of starting an internal war between your negative self-image and the positive-statement."
This book wasn't helpful and probably could have been written as an article. There were a couple of useful tips but most of this book was full of filler and had minimal useful content on minimizing conflict. Her web site is a bit flakey and she doesn't talk about her education so I think there are probably better books on conflict resolution that come from people who have dealt with real conflicts. This woman doesn't seem like she's experienced much conflict in her life so I can't really respect whatever expertise she claims to have. I bet the biggest conflict she ever dealt with was arguing with a Whole Foods cashier over the sticker price of a banana.
December 13, 2019
Today I'm reviewing The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution by Sosalie Puiman.
Generally I like to start out with a disclaimer. I am identify as a magical Buddhist. I look for the connection between magic and science without the need to search for a creator. I believe in spiritually and holistic wellness. I find that we can heal the world if we just sit down and and listen to the breath. I believe that magic, science and nutritional well being are the cornerstone to a well rounded holistic life. I have recently updated my site from Confessions of a Modern Witch to my new page To Live Whole. I welcome you to come along for my journey of health, wellness and self exploration.
I receive no compensation for these reviews and all my links are standard Amazon links and not affiliate links. I am a practicing photo reader and have spent the last 16 years honing my craft. I offer personal readings by request and have a strong online history that boasts over 438,000 views.
As you know I'll be switching over to reviewing only e-copies of books shortly. I will miss handling the books but the amount of trash that I had piling up for all the shipping was just overwhelming. I will be doing a giveaway for the remaining physical books that actually arrive as well as asking my publishers to provide giveaway copies shipped directly to my winner's homes going forward for all giveaways.
Today's book is a softcover medium sized but ample book. It is a good size for a backpack but not really for a purse or pocket book. The illustrations are limited but it does contain a small index and a resources section.
The book covers identifying conflicts, the skills one would need to resolve mindfully and how to apply these skills in a real life setting. The author begins by letting us know that we should only work with this inn a situation where we are not in danger of physical violence. This is extremely important. Conflict resolution is in itself something that is a challenging topic to start, even if both parties are willing. If you're in a situation where you or someone you love could be physically harmed, its imperative to remove yourself from danger first and foremost. Nothing is worth your safety, so always take the steps to protect yourself and those you love from harm.
I like to say, you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are not in a state of mind that you can thinking clearly and calmly, then you cannot expect to be able to resolve conflict with someone who is in the same frame of mind. It is recommended that you practice some mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing or walking meditations before beginning to attempt to work with others on this. You really need to have your ducks in a row before working with someone else to do the same.
The first sections best parts, in my opinion is the section on the layers of communication. The author tells us about content, procedure, interaction and emotion. I like this way of breaking it down so that we can see exactly what we're dealing with. By far, in my experience the majority of issues related to conflict deals directly with the emotional state of those in the discussion. While you'll have issues related to the actual content of the conversation, the majority of conflict can be traced directly back to the emotions around the conversation.
In section two the authors chapter on how to listen mindfully is superb. One quote that I paraphrase often is we should listen with the intent to understand and not respond. It is a core conflict resolution technique and something I learned many years ago. Though sometimes in the heat of the moment we tend to let it fly out the window. It is something that we should embrace. I loved the sections on the benefits of deeper listening and how to listen mindfully. The author provides insight on how we should be present at the very beginning as well as keeping an open mind throughout the process. Only by using non-judgement, curiosity and trust will we be able to get to the bottom of the issue and provide useful meaningful discussion.
Section three takes us through how to apply all the techniques we learned in the book, in real world situations. With meaningful examples related to a simple topic like household chores to something much more complex like sex and intimacy. The author furthers the pause approach by showing us we can apply this same process to friends and family as well as our business partner and co-workers.
Overall, I believe this book offers some solid techniques on getting to the bottom of a conflict using a strong mindful approach that opens up the situation for healing and learning. Being able to listen effectively and provide constructive feedback is a skill that is deeply needed in today's society and I believe this book is a great stepping stone to achieve the skills required to do just that.
Generally I like to start out with a disclaimer. I am identify as a magical Buddhist. I look for the connection between magic and science without the need to search for a creator. I believe in spiritually and holistic wellness. I find that we can heal the world if we just sit down and and listen to the breath. I believe that magic, science and nutritional well being are the cornerstone to a well rounded holistic life. I have recently updated my site from Confessions of a Modern Witch to my new page To Live Whole. I welcome you to come along for my journey of health, wellness and self exploration.
I receive no compensation for these reviews and all my links are standard Amazon links and not affiliate links. I am a practicing photo reader and have spent the last 16 years honing my craft. I offer personal readings by request and have a strong online history that boasts over 438,000 views.
As you know I'll be switching over to reviewing only e-copies of books shortly. I will miss handling the books but the amount of trash that I had piling up for all the shipping was just overwhelming. I will be doing a giveaway for the remaining physical books that actually arrive as well as asking my publishers to provide giveaway copies shipped directly to my winner's homes going forward for all giveaways.
Today's book is a softcover medium sized but ample book. It is a good size for a backpack but not really for a purse or pocket book. The illustrations are limited but it does contain a small index and a resources section.
The book covers identifying conflicts, the skills one would need to resolve mindfully and how to apply these skills in a real life setting. The author begins by letting us know that we should only work with this inn a situation where we are not in danger of physical violence. This is extremely important. Conflict resolution is in itself something that is a challenging topic to start, even if both parties are willing. If you're in a situation where you or someone you love could be physically harmed, its imperative to remove yourself from danger first and foremost. Nothing is worth your safety, so always take the steps to protect yourself and those you love from harm.
I like to say, you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are not in a state of mind that you can thinking clearly and calmly, then you cannot expect to be able to resolve conflict with someone who is in the same frame of mind. It is recommended that you practice some mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing or walking meditations before beginning to attempt to work with others on this. You really need to have your ducks in a row before working with someone else to do the same.
The first sections best parts, in my opinion is the section on the layers of communication. The author tells us about content, procedure, interaction and emotion. I like this way of breaking it down so that we can see exactly what we're dealing with. By far, in my experience the majority of issues related to conflict deals directly with the emotional state of those in the discussion. While you'll have issues related to the actual content of the conversation, the majority of conflict can be traced directly back to the emotions around the conversation.
In section two the authors chapter on how to listen mindfully is superb. One quote that I paraphrase often is we should listen with the intent to understand and not respond. It is a core conflict resolution technique and something I learned many years ago. Though sometimes in the heat of the moment we tend to let it fly out the window. It is something that we should embrace. I loved the sections on the benefits of deeper listening and how to listen mindfully. The author provides insight on how we should be present at the very beginning as well as keeping an open mind throughout the process. Only by using non-judgement, curiosity and trust will we be able to get to the bottom of the issue and provide useful meaningful discussion.
Section three takes us through how to apply all the techniques we learned in the book, in real world situations. With meaningful examples related to a simple topic like household chores to something much more complex like sex and intimacy. The author furthers the pause approach by showing us we can apply this same process to friends and family as well as our business partner and co-workers.
Overall, I believe this book offers some solid techniques on getting to the bottom of a conflict using a strong mindful approach that opens up the situation for healing and learning. Being able to listen effectively and provide constructive feedback is a skill that is deeply needed in today's society and I believe this book is a great stepping stone to achieve the skills required to do just that.
June 1, 2023
Thoughtful explanation of how to apply principles of mindfulness to conflict resolution, complete with lots of examples of how to apply these principles to relationship, family, and work conflicts. I am leaving the book with a better appreciation of the roles of curiosity and sincerity in communication. When we mindfully engage in conflicts, new solutions arise that might not have been present at the outset. I also enjoyed the discussion of the undercurrent (the U in the author’s PAUSE method) and how so much of what is unspoken or going on beneath the surface drives the conflicts in our lives. Thankfully we can access that undercurrent and bring the emotions and feelings that live there to play a role in the resolution of the conflict. The book makes conflicts less scary and anxiety inducing and instead suggests that conflicts are a way for us to build deeper more authentic connection with the people in our lives.
September 1, 2022
Others have commented quite well on this book. It was a constructive book to read on the topic. However for me, I did learn to appreciate the mindful approach, which I believe is useful most of the times. I think the book could have been better, but then maybe it would then have been more pages and maybe I would never had read it if it were any bigger.
February 14, 2023
i loved this book. there is a lot of useful information as to how to handle very specific situations.
it had a "textbook" feeling at points, in the sense that i felt i needed pen and paper in order to continue. it took me a long time to finish.
it's one of those books i would love to read again to refresh concepts.
it had a "textbook" feeling at points, in the sense that i felt i needed pen and paper in order to continue. it took me a long time to finish.
it's one of those books i would love to read again to refresh concepts.
March 24, 2024
Wel wat langdradig, maar dat komt waarschijnlijk omdat ik het als aanvulling op een vak heb gelezen en er vrij veel overlap inzat. Prettig, overzichtelijk boek met veel cases.
April 23, 2024
Easy to read & understand.
Read
July 27, 2022Will come back to it later when I need to
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews