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Modern Manhood: Conversations About the Complicated World of Being a Good Man Today
Emmy and Peabody Award–nominated health reporter Cleo Stiller’s fun(ny) and informative collection of advice and perspectives about what it means to be a good guy in the era of #MeToo.
Here are a few self-evident Predatory men need to go, sexual assault is wrong, and women and men should be equal. If you’re a man and disagree with any of the aforementioned, then this book isn’t for you.
But if you agree, you’re probably one of the “good guys.” That said, you might also be feeling frustrated, exasperated, and perhaps even skeptical about the current national conversation surrounding #MeToo (among many other things). You’ve likely found yourself in countless experiences or conversations lately where the situation feels gray, at best. You have a lot to say, but you’re afraid to say it and worried that one wrong move will land you in the hot seat. From money and sex to dating and work and everything in between—it can all be so confusing! And when do we start talking about solutions instead of putting each other down?
In Modern Manhood , reporter Cleo Stiller sheds light on all the gray areas out there, using conversations that real men and women are having with their friends, their dates, their family, and themselves. Free of judgment, preaching, and sugarcoating, Modern Manhood is engaging, provocative, and, ultimately, a great resource for gaining a deeper understanding of what it means to genuinely be a good man today.
Here are a few self-evident Predatory men need to go, sexual assault is wrong, and women and men should be equal. If you’re a man and disagree with any of the aforementioned, then this book isn’t for you.
But if you agree, you’re probably one of the “good guys.” That said, you might also be feeling frustrated, exasperated, and perhaps even skeptical about the current national conversation surrounding #MeToo (among many other things). You’ve likely found yourself in countless experiences or conversations lately where the situation feels gray, at best. You have a lot to say, but you’re afraid to say it and worried that one wrong move will land you in the hot seat. From money and sex to dating and work and everything in between—it can all be so confusing! And when do we start talking about solutions instead of putting each other down?
In Modern Manhood , reporter Cleo Stiller sheds light on all the gray areas out there, using conversations that real men and women are having with their friends, their dates, their family, and themselves. Free of judgment, preaching, and sugarcoating, Modern Manhood is engaging, provocative, and, ultimately, a great resource for gaining a deeper understanding of what it means to genuinely be a good man today.
- GenresNonfictionGender Studies
224 pages, Hardcover
First published November 12, 2019
18 people are currently reading
1126 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
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November 23, 2019Read this, not sure what to feel about it. I'm having trouble even putting a star rating on it yet, so I won't. Let's just say I have Opinions.
Review to come.
Review to come.
November 14, 2019
So, I found this book to be an entertaining easy read. Most of it I agreed with, but found some of the ideas contained within it to be a bit troublesome. I'll start with this disclaimer: I have never seen Cleo Stiller's show or listened to her podcast. And I'm also a woman writing about masculinity, but I guess Cleo did too, so that's okay?
First of all, this book (most of the time) does not seek to be "do-this, don't do that" kind of rule book. It is more of a conversation about manhood in a world of third-wave feminism. And really, most of the chapters boil down to "communicate with your significant other/partner/FWB." For example, the Dating chapter does not lay down explicit rules (such as who should pay for a date) but suggests talking it over with your date and ensuring that you both have equal values. Same with the "Sex" chapter - be open and honest with your partner about sex. I agree with this - clear and effective communication is key for a healthy relationship, and to prevent having your date run home crying.
In some chapters of book, the author's political bias is clearly evident. She frequently paints traditional Republican icons (such as Billy Graham and Mike Pence) in a negative light. In the "Work" chapter, she condemns Graham & Pence's policy of not meeting alone with a woman. She also condemns Brett Kavanaugh heavily in the "Parenting","Sex" and "Media" chapters, calling his name "synonymous with sexual assault and male privilege." I know Kavanaugh is extremely controversial, and I don't agree with him personally, but he was not found guilty by the U.S. court system. I found the obvious political bias a bit off-putting, and I think it generally takes away from her argument. Is this a book about masculinity or criticizing Republicanism?
There are some points that Stiller makes off-handedly, specifically concerning shame, that are not explained. In the beginning of the Parenting chapter, Stiller tells a story of a white man who experiences guilt for just being white and male: "I'm being put in an impossible position because I'm part of the oppressor class, so I'm part of the problem." However, later in the book, she argues "Your relationship with porn doesn't have to be yet another thing you hide or are ashamed of." Why is it that it's shameful to be a white male, but not shameful to like porn? Arguably, porn has contributed to the oppression of women as well. There's an entire branch of feminism that is against it because it portrays women as objects for male pleasure and features sexually abused women. Also, I think that being born white and male doesn't automatically make you an "oppressor."
For the rest of the book, I mostly agreed with it. I was surprised that 65% of people have been involved in some kind of office romance. I was appalled by some of the sexual harassment stories presented (the Aziz story made me physically cringe). I also agree that men should be more willing to talk about their feelings, and that the traditional masculinity model can be toxic in a lot of ways. It looks like the author really did their research as well. It is a good place to start the conversation about masculinity. What makes a good man? According to Stiller, it is up to you to discover yourself.
First of all, this book (most of the time) does not seek to be "do-this, don't do that" kind of rule book. It is more of a conversation about manhood in a world of third-wave feminism. And really, most of the chapters boil down to "communicate with your significant other/partner/FWB." For example, the Dating chapter does not lay down explicit rules (such as who should pay for a date) but suggests talking it over with your date and ensuring that you both have equal values. Same with the "Sex" chapter - be open and honest with your partner about sex. I agree with this - clear and effective communication is key for a healthy relationship, and to prevent having your date run home crying.
In some chapters of book, the author's political bias is clearly evident. She frequently paints traditional Republican icons (such as Billy Graham and Mike Pence) in a negative light. In the "Work" chapter, she condemns Graham & Pence's policy of not meeting alone with a woman. She also condemns Brett Kavanaugh heavily in the "Parenting","Sex" and "Media" chapters, calling his name "synonymous with sexual assault and male privilege." I know Kavanaugh is extremely controversial, and I don't agree with him personally, but he was not found guilty by the U.S. court system. I found the obvious political bias a bit off-putting, and I think it generally takes away from her argument. Is this a book about masculinity or criticizing Republicanism?
There are some points that Stiller makes off-handedly, specifically concerning shame, that are not explained. In the beginning of the Parenting chapter, Stiller tells a story of a white man who experiences guilt for just being white and male: "I'm being put in an impossible position because I'm part of the oppressor class, so I'm part of the problem." However, later in the book, she argues "Your relationship with porn doesn't have to be yet another thing you hide or are ashamed of." Why is it that it's shameful to be a white male, but not shameful to like porn? Arguably, porn has contributed to the oppression of women as well. There's an entire branch of feminism that is against it because it portrays women as objects for male pleasure and features sexually abused women. Also, I think that being born white and male doesn't automatically make you an "oppressor."
For the rest of the book, I mostly agreed with it. I was surprised that 65% of people have been involved in some kind of office romance. I was appalled by some of the sexual harassment stories presented (the Aziz story made me physically cringe). I also agree that men should be more willing to talk about their feelings, and that the traditional masculinity model can be toxic in a lot of ways. It looks like the author really did their research as well. It is a good place to start the conversation about masculinity. What makes a good man? According to Stiller, it is up to you to discover yourself.
February 17, 2020
While I don’t agree with everything the book discusses, this is an excellent book for a couple of reasons I will call out here:
* The opening of the book is a very powerful and masterful piece of writing that sets the tone for the book: “Here are three self-evident truths: The Harvey Weinsteins of the world need to go, sexual assault is wrong, and women and men should be on equal footing”.
* While discussing sensitive topics such as dating, friendship, sex, work, money, #MeToo and what it means to be “masculine” in today’s culture and society, Cleo acknowledges (and indeed, one of the major takeaways of the book is) that we have been raised with a black and white worldview, but it’s really about 9,001 shades of gray.
* Cleo underscores that nobody is going to show up with a recipe for “modern manhood”, and that now more than ever, we (men) have to do the hard, introspective work ourselves.
Changing your world and relationships starts with the most important and fundamental building block of all: yourself.
So, get to it.
* The opening of the book is a very powerful and masterful piece of writing that sets the tone for the book: “Here are three self-evident truths: The Harvey Weinsteins of the world need to go, sexual assault is wrong, and women and men should be on equal footing”.
* While discussing sensitive topics such as dating, friendship, sex, work, money, #MeToo and what it means to be “masculine” in today’s culture and society, Cleo acknowledges (and indeed, one of the major takeaways of the book is) that we have been raised with a black and white worldview, but it’s really about 9,001 shades of gray.
* Cleo underscores that nobody is going to show up with a recipe for “modern manhood”, and that now more than ever, we (men) have to do the hard, introspective work ourselves.
Changing your world and relationships starts with the most important and fundamental building block of all: yourself.
So, get to it.
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June 6, 2020Interviewing the author next week about this book. Creates a lot of questions.
November 13, 2019
This is such a thought provoking, honest and much-needed advancement of the narrative around the definition of healthy masculinity today.
As a coach to men and women in the workplace, I find myself regularly referencing research, stories and insights that came from this book.
A must read, in my opinion, for all men and those who love them.
As a coach to men and women in the workplace, I find myself regularly referencing research, stories and insights that came from this book.
A must read, in my opinion, for all men and those who love them.
February 18, 2022
Samen met manlief naar geluisterd en ons veel te vaak afgevraagd of de doorsnee man echt, zoals in zoveel voorbeelden uit het boek, niet beseft wanneer hij grenzen overschrijdt. Hoezo blijven aandringen om seks te hebben tot de vrouw eindelijk stopt met protesteren is niet hetzelfde als consent? Hoezo ongepaste opmerkingen maken tegen vrouwelijke collega's is effectief ongepast? Hoezo vrouwen in talloze conversaties herleiden tot gebruiksvoorwerpen zorgt voor een mindset waarin vrouwen als minderwaardig worden gezien? Maar maten die over de schreef gaan, die spreek je er beter niet op aan anders raak je ze waarschijnlijk kwijt als vriend. Ongepast gedrag compleet negeren en zelf een goed voorbeeld tonen, dat gaat de wereld redden. Urgh.
December 17, 2019
Monipuolinen, ajatuksia ja stereotypioita pöyhivä katsaus miesrooliin "tässä ajassa". Vaikka osin puuduttava, kokonaisuutena suositeltava ajassa eläville ihmisille.
December 31, 2019
Just finished reading this brilliant book, and I can't thank Cleo Miller enough for writing it. It covers a wealth of different topics that, being a man, I have considered and sometimes agonised over myself. These include things like media consumption, relationships with colleagues, sex, and the financial side of being in a relationship, in the wake of the #MeToo movement but also the the more general modern state of gender equality.
The book is filled with pertinent advice and incisive commentary, but most importantly Cleo manages to convey all of the information while remaining thoroughly compassionate and caring towards her reader. She doesn't shy away from what is sometimes the truly shocking and saddening truth of the subject matter, but remains focused on how the reader can analyse and improve their own behaviour, without a harmful fixation on the mistakes of the past.
Overall a fantastic read, would (and intend to) recommend to anybody, whether they're a man who wants to have a positive impact but doesn't quite know how, or someone looking to go forward in their relationships with men equipped with the knowledge to meet them where they are and help them improve.
The book is filled with pertinent advice and incisive commentary, but most importantly Cleo manages to convey all of the information while remaining thoroughly compassionate and caring towards her reader. She doesn't shy away from what is sometimes the truly shocking and saddening truth of the subject matter, but remains focused on how the reader can analyse and improve their own behaviour, without a harmful fixation on the mistakes of the past.
Overall a fantastic read, would (and intend to) recommend to anybody, whether they're a man who wants to have a positive impact but doesn't quite know how, or someone looking to go forward in their relationships with men equipped with the knowledge to meet them where they are and help them improve.
December 13, 2019
Cleo Stiller's book Modern Manhood is an absolute MUST READ for the 21st century! She deeply examines of what it means to be a good man in the #Me Too era , through looking in the areas of dating, sex, parenting, work, money, and friendship. This is such a powerful book and very well written. This book is not about bashing men but giving men a platform to let their voices be heard of what they are going mentally and socially, and be empowered where they may feel ostracized in our current society especially in the metoo era. She also points the injustices that good men out there should stand up or advocate for, and take ownership. One of the chapters that struck me was in the "Sex chapter" where she talks about how alot of men in our society are not taught how to share or open up to our feelings for it may show a sign of weakness. As a man myself and who is also Black, the community I grew up from you were considered weak or a wuss if you showed any crying or other feelings as a male. It was like you have to be tough. We have to be break this cycle because it doesn't men we are weak as men if we cry about something or share our feelings. This book is revolutionary and will change we think about masculinity we should not exclude good men from the table. Cleo's book will stand for the test of times and it should be in every household. -Verlando
Want to read
March 18, 2020As heard on Clear+Vivid with Alan Alda:
https://omny.fm/shows/clear-vivid-wit...
https://omny.fm/shows/clear-vivid-wit...
October 2, 2019
A must-read not necessarily because of any "answers" within, but what it prompts you to ask yourself.
What should a guy, one who considers himself at least an ally on some level in the middle of this #MeToo movement, do in regards to conducting themselves going forward? How about in front of their friends, colleagues, and family? Since so, so much of this is steeped in a big ole gray area, Stiller, at a minimum, aims to help you get your bearings on these subjects. She does this by distributing testimonials, presenting scientific data, speaking with experts, and summarizing it all to give you something to dig your heels into as you ponder (or come to a decision--your call). What should one think about those we've idolized that are now disgraced for using their position of power? Do you seriously just stop listening to their music or watching their movies? Anyone worth their salt is making attempts to come to answer they feel is the one a "good person" would choose, but, again, gray areas.
Stiller wants the guys to not only speak up, but to live the change...to not shy away from the movement, lest they get erroneously caught up in a witch hunt-style monsoon of accusations (she addresses the likelihood of this happening), but to approach with an open mind, empathy for those who have lived without equal privilege, an eagerness to listen to improve, and the list surely goes on and on. Trust that this isn't a man-bashing work that's pure wish fulfillment for anyone wronged by dudes along the way, because the title's honest here: Each guy needs to have these conversations, early and often, and some of these, frankly, are going to be tough ones (some more than others, depending on who you are and how you've lived your life).
There's no judgment here. Just a respectable collection of information to read over and to be considered a gift. Stiller is here to help, not to admonish or sound a battle horn, and her direct-but-understanding technique is why this is a ruby of a book.
Many thanks to NetGalley and to Tiller Press for the advance read.
What should a guy, one who considers himself at least an ally on some level in the middle of this #MeToo movement, do in regards to conducting themselves going forward? How about in front of their friends, colleagues, and family? Since so, so much of this is steeped in a big ole gray area, Stiller, at a minimum, aims to help you get your bearings on these subjects. She does this by distributing testimonials, presenting scientific data, speaking with experts, and summarizing it all to give you something to dig your heels into as you ponder (or come to a decision--your call). What should one think about those we've idolized that are now disgraced for using their position of power? Do you seriously just stop listening to their music or watching their movies? Anyone worth their salt is making attempts to come to answer they feel is the one a "good person" would choose, but, again, gray areas.
Stiller wants the guys to not only speak up, but to live the change...to not shy away from the movement, lest they get erroneously caught up in a witch hunt-style monsoon of accusations (she addresses the likelihood of this happening), but to approach with an open mind, empathy for those who have lived without equal privilege, an eagerness to listen to improve, and the list surely goes on and on. Trust that this isn't a man-bashing work that's pure wish fulfillment for anyone wronged by dudes along the way, because the title's honest here: Each guy needs to have these conversations, early and often, and some of these, frankly, are going to be tough ones (some more than others, depending on who you are and how you've lived your life).
There's no judgment here. Just a respectable collection of information to read over and to be considered a gift. Stiller is here to help, not to admonish or sound a battle horn, and her direct-but-understanding technique is why this is a ruby of a book.
Many thanks to NetGalley and to Tiller Press for the advance read.
January 3, 2021
One of my goals this year is to give more reviews for what I'm reading. Here's to new years resolutions.
I found this book by accident. I was browsing the 14-day loan new nonfiction acquisitions at my local library and this one jumped out at me based on the title.
I'm 31 and I'm married and a newish father to a 3-year-old. All of this definitely colored out I saw this book.
What I liked:
- Cleo does a really great job of bringing in multiple perspectives.
- Does a great job of bringing in experts, recent cultural topics/moments, media of interest, and organizing it with a narrative thread.
- I really like how she integrates stories as cases for observation. I grew to love the text bubbles with quotes from people she talked to in her research for the book.
- Loved that she touches on tons of topics that in their own right would speak at a chapter level to numerous people who are looking for a variety of things from this kind of work.
- She was totally upfront and embracing of the fact that she's a woman writing a book about manhood.
- She does a great job of taking readers from all different levels and backgrounds with their ability to talk to issues related to #MeToo, feminism, structural inequalities and gender-based issues, among other things. At all points, she builds in ideas for the people who might be finding these topics as new and needing an introduction.
I guess as I'm reading through my list, I'm realizing I really do like this book more than I realized.
Things I'd Change:
- I wish there was a little bit less focus on #MeToo
- I wish there were more answers and depths into these topics than just saying "It's complicated and we need to figure it out". That being said, I credit her for writing this kind of a work in this moment.
I highly recommend it and I've been pitching it to other friends. Also glad to continue the conversation if anyone would like to do so!
I found this book by accident. I was browsing the 14-day loan new nonfiction acquisitions at my local library and this one jumped out at me based on the title.
I'm 31 and I'm married and a newish father to a 3-year-old. All of this definitely colored out I saw this book.
What I liked:
- Cleo does a really great job of bringing in multiple perspectives.
- Does a great job of bringing in experts, recent cultural topics/moments, media of interest, and organizing it with a narrative thread.
- I really like how she integrates stories as cases for observation. I grew to love the text bubbles with quotes from people she talked to in her research for the book.
- Loved that she touches on tons of topics that in their own right would speak at a chapter level to numerous people who are looking for a variety of things from this kind of work.
- She was totally upfront and embracing of the fact that she's a woman writing a book about manhood.
- She does a great job of taking readers from all different levels and backgrounds with their ability to talk to issues related to #MeToo, feminism, structural inequalities and gender-based issues, among other things. At all points, she builds in ideas for the people who might be finding these topics as new and needing an introduction.
I guess as I'm reading through my list, I'm realizing I really do like this book more than I realized.
Things I'd Change:
- I wish there was a little bit less focus on #MeToo
- I wish there were more answers and depths into these topics than just saying "It's complicated and we need to figure it out". That being said, I credit her for writing this kind of a work in this moment.
I highly recommend it and I've been pitching it to other friends. Also glad to continue the conversation if anyone would like to do so!
April 11, 2020
This book was eye opening in many ways. I appreciate the tough subjects the author chose to tackle and the depth in which they were explored. I was shocked by some of the admissions in the men’s interviews- admitting to pursuing a girl like Prince Charming, only for the conquest of it. The “locker room” talk comparing women’s nipples and genitalia as sport was horrifying to me. I grew up with brothers, and while they’re not the most emotionally aware human beings, I never witnessed such behavior. I also didn’t realize porn was such a mainstream thing and didn’t know dudes bonded over such things. It makes sense, in hindsight, knowing that guys build relationships over activities rather than emotions, but I had no idea.
The “what next” chapter was really helpful in furthering the conversation and addressing these issues at a heart level.
This is important work to have explored. Thank you, Cleo Stiller!
The “what next” chapter was really helpful in furthering the conversation and addressing these issues at a heart level.
This is important work to have explored. Thank you, Cleo Stiller!
December 12, 2019
Finished the book..so so good. Getting for my brother..it really is something else to hear it and reflect and look at things in a new ‘encompassing’ light..very very happy got it ..That last conclusion chapter..I wish she could have come back and read it in her own words ..but, all in all, a great job 👏😁
It’s brought in a whole new perspective on thoughts that I’ve, being a man in my 30’s, just took for granite
You’ll enjoy it..its even a great “parents guide” on how to bring up topics with your sons/kids
It’s brought in a whole new perspective on thoughts that I’ve, being a man in my 30’s, just took for granite
You’ll enjoy it..its even a great “parents guide” on how to bring up topics with your sons/kids
December 21, 2019
Bravo!! Cleo Stiller writes direct and revealing accounts of men questioning how and where to navigate relationships in the #MeToo era.
This book is vital to all men and women hoping to build positive relationships both with and for each other. Ms. Stiller’s book opens the conversation to many vulnerable areas creating safe, respectful exchanges that are both eye opening and growth oriented. Buy it, read it, give it as gifts to your husbands, sons, daughters, grandchildren and friends. We will all learn from it and be better from the experience.
This book is vital to all men and women hoping to build positive relationships both with and for each other. Ms. Stiller’s book opens the conversation to many vulnerable areas creating safe, respectful exchanges that are both eye opening and growth oriented. Buy it, read it, give it as gifts to your husbands, sons, daughters, grandchildren and friends. We will all learn from it and be better from the experience.
May 15, 2020
This turned out to be a much different read than I thought. It was a quick and Easy read and raised some interesting points. It explained things well, while leaving room to draw your own conclusions and think about things more. Even if you don’t agree with what’s being said, I think it can help open your mind to thinking about things in a different light. The author also reveals other good sources for similar content that I am excited to check out.
October 15, 2019
Important stuff here. Stiller knows some of the topics are tricky, but tackles them head on. A lot of the text comes from men in their own thoughts, which allows for some honesty without judging.
February 11, 2020
This was an enjoyable and insightful mix of research, interviews, and anecdotes. I got more out of it than I expected. I highly recommend it!
May 10, 2020
Interesting
November 21, 2020
Excellent book for those awesome men in your life who also want to bust the patriarchy. Would work for a mature 16 -30
January 3, 2021
I truly enjoyed Cleo Stiller's book. She is a great writer with intelligent insight into a challenging topic for anyone to tackle: Modern Manhood.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews