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How to Let Him Go (Even Though You Never Really Had Him): Using Attachment Theory to Understand Unhealthy Relationship Behaviors and Change Them
Why do I always pick the wrong men? Why do the wrong guys always pick me? Why can't I find a nice guy? What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over him, even though he treated me so badly? Many women find themselves asking these questions over and over again, never finding the answers they seek. They are frustrated, exhausted, and confused. They are tired of roller coaster love affairs, of feeling used, unloved, and unwanted by their partners. They want to find someone reliable, consistent, and attentive. Somehow, though, they always end up in the same unhealthy relationship patterns, not knowing how they got there. In How to Let Him Go (Even Though You Never Really Had Him), Lynn May explores these questions through the lens of attachment theory. Using the basics of the theory, and focusing in on the dynamics between anxious and avoidant attachment in people, May is able to provide context for the seemingly irrational behaviors we exhibit in certain relationships. She shares personal examples, and information she used to work through her own attachment issues. She gives specific methods that she found helpful in her own life, and has provided optional activities at the end of each chapter for those who find it helpful. Short and to the point, this book aims to be informative and helpful. It is a starting point for any woman who struggles with not only choosing the wrong partners, but letting go of them as well.
49 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 30, 2019
115 people are currently reading
78 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
October 13, 2022
excellent
Incredibly helpful and easy to understand book from Lynn May. Really helped my progress in healing THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Incredibly helpful and easy to understand book from Lynn May. Really helped my progress in healing THANK YOU VERY MUCH
May 31, 2023
TL;DR - Mixed bag. Well-meaning, helpful at parts, but potentially harmful at others due to the author's lack of full scope into relationship problems.
The author is upfront about her relative lack of education in the field of psychology but still provides a decent basic layman's introduction to attachment theory. She also encourages the reader to not stop with just her book and instead take what she says as inspiration to read more properly into the subject of attachment theory and other psychological topics. Most of what she advises is not that outlandish or objectionable, mostly the typical advice that the reader reflect on their feelings, get support, work on themselves, and accept that they can't change other people. Her exercises are pretty straightforward and could be helpful to someone who wants to dissect their own messy relationship history. It also thankfully doesn't give false hope or encourage women to "fight for their relationship" and is pretty clear on the importance of breaking up with men who disrespect you. Her tone is kind, encouraging, supportive, several passages were genuine empathetic and uplifting. Credit where credit is due there. I was surprised to see she included her email at the end encouraging readers to message her about their problems, which may not be an advisable action, but at least potentially shows good intent and a desire to help.
However, this lack of education comes into fuller light in how it is evident that the author doesn't seem to understand the difference between anxious-avoidant dynamics and abuse dynamics. While there can be overlap in individuals, there is a difference between someone who is anxiously attached vs. someone who is in a trauma bond, and someone who is avoidantly attached vs. someone who is an abuser, and these distinctions are important because confusing the two could potentially lead a person to making harmful mistaken conclusions about themselves or their partner.
It inadvertently perpetuates the myth that abusive men are "afraid of intimacy" and potentially victim-blames some women by encouraging them to look at attachment issues that might not actually be there as opposed to more appropriate trauma-informed approaches (I am not one of those people who acts like any and all suggestion that a victim introspect on how her own preexisting issues might have made her vulnerable to a bad relationship is automatically victim-blaming, but it is important to make it clear that you can just as easily be positively well-adjusted and still become a victim). An example of the dangers in this conflation is how the author suggests couples counseling, which can be great for couples who genuinely have attachment issues, but is notoriously disastrous for abusive relationships.
Because of this, in spite of the author's kind tone and message, I can't safely say that I recommend this book, at least not to someone who doesn't already understand abuse. I get the appeal of wanting a "crash course" in attachment theory in the form of a short book, but you're probably better off reading one of the full-length, more popular texts out there. If you insist on reading this one, I would pair it with, "30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships" by Adelyn Birch, another short "crash course" book, in order to illuminate the difference between genuine avoidant attachment issues and more insidious behavior in partners. For more information on abusive men in general (and how they different from men with intimacy issues), "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is an oft-recommended classic for a reason.
The author is upfront about her relative lack of education in the field of psychology but still provides a decent basic layman's introduction to attachment theory. She also encourages the reader to not stop with just her book and instead take what she says as inspiration to read more properly into the subject of attachment theory and other psychological topics. Most of what she advises is not that outlandish or objectionable, mostly the typical advice that the reader reflect on their feelings, get support, work on themselves, and accept that they can't change other people. Her exercises are pretty straightforward and could be helpful to someone who wants to dissect their own messy relationship history. It also thankfully doesn't give false hope or encourage women to "fight for their relationship" and is pretty clear on the importance of breaking up with men who disrespect you. Her tone is kind, encouraging, supportive, several passages were genuine empathetic and uplifting. Credit where credit is due there. I was surprised to see she included her email at the end encouraging readers to message her about their problems, which may not be an advisable action, but at least potentially shows good intent and a desire to help.
However, this lack of education comes into fuller light in how it is evident that the author doesn't seem to understand the difference between anxious-avoidant dynamics and abuse dynamics. While there can be overlap in individuals, there is a difference between someone who is anxiously attached vs. someone who is in a trauma bond, and someone who is avoidantly attached vs. someone who is an abuser, and these distinctions are important because confusing the two could potentially lead a person to making harmful mistaken conclusions about themselves or their partner.
It inadvertently perpetuates the myth that abusive men are "afraid of intimacy" and potentially victim-blames some women by encouraging them to look at attachment issues that might not actually be there as opposed to more appropriate trauma-informed approaches (I am not one of those people who acts like any and all suggestion that a victim introspect on how her own preexisting issues might have made her vulnerable to a bad relationship is automatically victim-blaming, but it is important to make it clear that you can just as easily be positively well-adjusted and still become a victim). An example of the dangers in this conflation is how the author suggests couples counseling, which can be great for couples who genuinely have attachment issues, but is notoriously disastrous for abusive relationships.
Because of this, in spite of the author's kind tone and message, I can't safely say that I recommend this book, at least not to someone who doesn't already understand abuse. I get the appeal of wanting a "crash course" in attachment theory in the form of a short book, but you're probably better off reading one of the full-length, more popular texts out there. If you insist on reading this one, I would pair it with, "30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships" by Adelyn Birch, another short "crash course" book, in order to illuminate the difference between genuine avoidant attachment issues and more insidious behavior in partners. For more information on abusive men in general (and how they different from men with intimacy issues), "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is an oft-recommended classic for a reason.
July 17, 2022
Surprising
I picked out this book to heal from a”situationship”. The first few chapters were about attachment styles and I was surprised to find out that I was “secure” -then what do I need this book for? Further chapters made me realize that as good as it was knowing what my attachment style is-it was also good to know what were the attachment styles of the men I have been with and why our relationships never progressed as one being anxious and the latest as avoidant thus the “situationship”. I realize it was both a tug of war between them and me, that is why they never worked out. In the end, acceptance is what I was able to get from this book. Relationships are never easy but u can always choose a partner who’d be more than willing to make it easier for both of you-someone who can meet u in the middle. It is always never just about u being not enough or good enough.
I picked out this book to heal from a”situationship”. The first few chapters were about attachment styles and I was surprised to find out that I was “secure” -then what do I need this book for? Further chapters made me realize that as good as it was knowing what my attachment style is-it was also good to know what were the attachment styles of the men I have been with and why our relationships never progressed as one being anxious and the latest as avoidant thus the “situationship”. I realize it was both a tug of war between them and me, that is why they never worked out. In the end, acceptance is what I was able to get from this book. Relationships are never easy but u can always choose a partner who’d be more than willing to make it easier for both of you-someone who can meet u in the middle. It is always never just about u being not enough or good enough.
August 5, 2022
Great book for anyone who struggles with an anxious attachment style and has a hard time letting go of someone.
I love that this book is concise and that the author is vulnerable in sharing her own experiences. I was able to relate to a lot of what she has been through and will use the lessons learned in this book going forward when battling my own attachment style.
It’s not the person, it’s the survival fallacy part of your anxiousness attachment style that is making you feel this way. Just reframing the relationship this way when overwhelming thoughts of someone from your past come to haunt you will help you move on.
I love that this book is concise and that the author is vulnerable in sharing her own experiences. I was able to relate to a lot of what she has been through and will use the lessons learned in this book going forward when battling my own attachment style.
It’s not the person, it’s the survival fallacy part of your anxiousness attachment style that is making you feel this way. Just reframing the relationship this way when overwhelming thoughts of someone from your past come to haunt you will help you move on.
December 25, 2020
Highly recommended!
Helped me to recover from my break up with an Avoidant ex. Recommended to anyone who is Anxiously Preoccupied and anyone who is interested in Attachment Theory.
Helped me to recover from my break up with an Avoidant ex. Recommended to anyone who is Anxiously Preoccupied and anyone who is interested in Attachment Theory.
May 20, 2021
Wow
This book helped answer so many questions. It was as if someone wrote a book about my relationships. There are so many ideas I will begin using. I feel very hopeful and uplifted. I will read this book again and use it as a reference as I continue my journey to healing.
This book helped answer so many questions. It was as if someone wrote a book about my relationships. There are so many ideas I will begin using. I feel very hopeful and uplifted. I will read this book again and use it as a reference as I continue my journey to healing.
March 12, 2020
Thank you for writing this
I learned so much,AND have some wonderful tools to Help me to recover and not repeat
The cycles I have demonstrated in my past!
I learned so much,AND have some wonderful tools to Help me to recover and not repeat
The cycles I have demonstrated in my past!
March 2, 2022
Just what I needed
Excellent read I now know I'm on the right path. Thank you for sharing your experience it really has helped.
Excellent read I now know I'm on the right path. Thank you for sharing your experience it really has helped.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews