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364 pages, ebook
First published March 31, 2019














) in a comedy club to watch a very funny ventriloquist and her cat and goat puppets. 


"Like this guy claiming to be Genghis Khan reincarnated with a penis shaped like a dragon. He wears sunglasses everywhere."
So long as no one asks to see my peen-dragon, I think I'll be ok.

You believe in love at first sight? I always have. Except I don't know if this is love, or if it's just the side effects of a jillion volts to the chest.

Tucker tries to screw his lips up in a smoldery duck-lip configuration, and he gets damn close, which is wrong on an eight-year-old.
Ellie chokes on a laugh, but I hold out a fist for a bump. "You keep making that face, all the ladies are gonna fall all over you before you're ten."

She pins me with a look, and I realize I haven't just fucked up. I've FUCKED UP. All caps.
He's a schmaltzy schmoozer with the swoon factor on his side.
She's not wearing makeup, and I know at least a hundred women who would kill to have her eyelashes. Or at least wrestle in Jell-O for them.

"No, I heard it all. That's just the least uncomfortable part. I'm loogry. Sorry."
"Loogry?"
"Yeah. I don't get mad when I'm hungry. No hanger here. I get loopy."

"Point is, we've got this. Okay? And if your life isn't back to normal in six months, I'll hop on Twitter and start a war with Chrissy Teigen just to distract everyone. Cross my heart."

And Cupcake is trying to hump my cat, who's just lying there under a kitchen chair and taking it like this is normal.

Dad flings the door open. "Password," he growls.
"Your daughter is a kindhearted genius who deserves better than a dumbass like me?" Beck guesses.

"I eat farmers for breakfast."
"Okay, Bat-Dad. Pretend you're auditioning for a role as a bodyguard for the pig that will save the world. The fate of humanity rests on your shoulders."
"This game was more fun before you were old enough to date."

Seriously, him getting in to women's underwear was brilliant.
Dammit.
That came out wrong.
I meant it's really comfortable underwear.

"You know this funnel cake's all mine now. It's a rule. If you crotch it, you… huh. What rhymes with crotch?"
"Yeah. You crotch it, you notch it."
My eyes go wide. "I don't think that's about funnel cake."

"Do you really think I'm a robot, or are you just copping a feel? I'm good with either one. Just curious."
"Dad," I say.
He, too, grins at me, dark brown eyes twinkling merrily. "You should've dated more in high school," he growls. "This is fun."

"She's in an industrial-size diaper, right?"
"Baby roulette, dude. You want to hold her, you take the consequences."

I angle a pointed glance at the life-size cardboard cutout in the corner, and, once again, he blushes. "That's… for shock value."
"You should get one of the rear view. Without the briefs. I have this weird feeling your friends would appreciate playing pin the dart on Beck's butt cheeks."
"SNICKERDOODLE PENIS!"

Mom looks Mackenzie up and down. "Do you have good taste?"
"I was raised by two drag queens. What do you think?"
"Beck is a wonderful young man, and we're so glad you tolerate him."

Mom used to talk about the year Ellie bloomed.
I didn't get it.
But I feel like I'm watching Sarah bloom.
And it's the greatest fucking thing ever.

One day.
I want one day of being as happy about life as Beck Ryder is.

"Everyone's special," I say quietly.
"But you're Sarah special. That's specialer."

"Mabel, go to sleep."
"Behave yourself and use a condom," she replies in her electronic voice. "Night-EE. Night."
"Fucking Hank," I mutter.

She's mine.
I called her. You can't have her. You snooze, you lose. I licked her. She's mine now.

"Swear to god, when you hit me with that taser, I was like, she's the one. Those eyes are deadly enough when there's only two of them, but man, you juiced me, and then you had four, and I was a goner."





I'm not overly familiar with that tight heat cramping my lungs, but I think it might be my heart cracking a little at the implication that she only sees herself as awkward and weird. Yeah. I think I have it bad, whether I like it or not.
"How has no one ever noticed before how gorgeous your eyes are? They're like pied piper eyes. You should have men following you like puppies everywhere you go just for opening those beautiful eyes every morning."
"Looks aren't everything."
"But your eyes are. Your eyes are everything."
"Sarah Dempsey, I'm going to talk you into marrying me one day."
I laugh.
He doesn't.