Over the course of many months I forced myself to read these books only because I like Derek as a person and as a writing coach, and I thought I might learn a thing or two out of reading his YA fiction. Surely a man with all this knowledge and experience must be an excellent writer himself, right?
Wrong
Those who can’t, teach, and this horribly written series is quite the example of it. I want both to steer readers away from this terrible book and help writers (Derek himself included) avoid the mistakes mentioned below, so this is going to be long. Very long.
Note: This review is a combination of book 1 and 2, and I have no intention of reading the third one.
*********Spoilers ahead.*********
Everything wrong with this book:
POV:
-Emily, the main character, can describe how her own hair shines under the moonlight.
-She can describe other people’s expressions, feelings, and reactions even when she’s not directly looking at them (she can tell when someone behind her back winces, raises an eyebrow or looks angry).
-She can also describe how soft her blankets are even before she’s even awake to notice them.
-Also, she keeps referring to her own complexion as “my milky-white skin”, “my fair skin”, or “my eggshell-white skin”. It’s evident that at least the initial drafts were written in a third person, and were later changed to a first person narrator just to copy popular books from the early 2000’s like The Hunger Games and Divergent.
Book Cover:
-The book cover shows a brunette with bronze skin in a red dress. But Emily is described as pale white and usually wears blue or pink dresses.
Female representation:
-Unless this was written by a 13 year old girl who’s never read anything but tumblr posts and wattpad fan fics, there’s no excuse for the way girls are represented here. To think a man in his 30’s wrote this, a man who by the way has daughters of his own, makes this all the more concerning.
-So in this book, teenage girls are nothing but trophies to be paraded around by powerful, wealthy men, the Elite (this is how vampires are referred to in the story). Elites come once a year to the impoverished compounds to choose a young, virgin girl for a wife, so the girls are not allowed to even date before the choosing ceremony, only after the Elites have decided not to take them. So pretty much, humans get the Elite spoils.
- If they do get chosen, Stockholm syndrome takes over at once and the girls immediately fall in love with their new owners, even if they were terrified of them before.
-The Elite takes his chosen girl to live in his castle (they all have castles), where he gets to decide on her wardrobe, her meals, can force her to attend social events, and can even force her to have sex with him (by the way, they are all minors, Emily is barely 16, and I think the oldest girl is 18). The chosen girls' lives revolve around entirely around their men, they even have to train to become strong enough to protect them (more on that later) and are expected to become an example of beauty, manners, and strength to every other girl out there.
-So all they human girls have to be pretty, subservient, obedient and virginal. On the other hand, the Elite can, and often do, have mistresses, frequent brothels, marry more than once in their lives and can return a girl home to her parents for any reason, at any time, which is supposed to be really bad but is not like the more girls from a given town are chosen, the more favors that town gets or anything. But I guess it's humiliating, so no girl ever wants to go back.
-Girls are always fawning over whoever the alpha male is at the moment. Emily bounces between her elite fiancé Damien and her best friend Trevor, depending on who’s in charge of her life at any given time.
-If the girls are by themselves, they still submit to a hierarchy of power: whenever an Elite woman is not present (even the lowest ranked elite, like a maid) to tell them what to do, the role will fall on the shoulders of the oldest girl on the group. This means that Emily is never the one to suggest which path to take or where to go; she relies on either any elite female or older girl to make all the calls for her.
-When a men is present, either human or elite (including in fighting squads or search parties) girls become quiet and submissive, following the lead of any man around even if he is weaker, younger or less experienced than they are. Emily justifies her passiveness by saying she wants to hide her powers so she won’t frighten people, but...I mean, they only keep her BECAUSE of her powers, they need to understand the extend of her abilities, but no, she just won't show them if there's a man around.
-Not a single woman in this story is truly in charge of anything in her own life. Just because they fight in puffy dresses (which they often do) does not make this a female empowerment story.
The Choosing:
The whole point of having a choosing ceremony is so that The Elite have a constant supply of fresh blood and don’t need to hunt humans for food. Okay, fine. But, Elites are all sterile and can’t breed anyways so there’s no need for them to choose ONLY young, virgin girls. Literally, anyone would do. Why going thru this whole "choose a bride" thing if marriage is pointless anyway?
-Why is choosing reserve for male Elites only? Don’t female Elites need fresh blood as well? Can a female Elite choose a virgin male as well? Apparently not.
-If humans have no saying on the matter regardless, why are there no Elites choosing same sex partners? Can we just choose a healthy boy or girl from town and send them every year as an offering instead of going through all this?
The Trials:
-So after choosing a poor, underage, virgin girl, the male Elite takes her to the fancy Capital to marry her. However, before the wedding, the girls need to prove their worth by fighting each other to death in an absurd Hunger Games-like event which is also televised across the country. So they have to train to not only survive the trials but also become strong enough to protect their husbands should the need arrive.
-Why, though? Each Elite has his own army, why do they need to turn the girls into their personal bodyguards? And why do they need to make the girls fight each other to death? Just so they die in the arena and the Elite can go hunt for another virgin next year? Don’t they need the girls to stay alive so they can feed on them? Isn’t it an unnecessary waste of blood to get a girl brutally murdered on screen for amusement?
The Plot:
-Emily’s motivations are whatever the plot needs it to be. They change by the chapter, and conflicts are usually resolved as soon as they arise. For instance, in book one it takes almost 4 chapters to establish her motivation is to save her sick mother. She never gets around doing anything about it other than thinking of some convoluted plans involving spitting on a napkin, but then the choosing ceremony happens and it gets in the way. After getting chosen and taken to the Capital, she is so dazzled by her Elite fiancé and the splendors around her that she forgets completely about her mother and her new goal becomes to seduce her fiancé and win the trials. It takes her WEEKS to remember that she wanted to help her mother, and then all it takes to resolve this plot point is to ask Damian to help her. And he does. But none of it matters because her mother gets immediately killed by the bad guys anyways.
-King Richard (the main bad guy) takes Emily’s younger siblings hostage but like, they are taken to a palace and they don’t even know they are hostages, so….who cares? For all intends and purposes, they now have a better life than they ever did at the compound. But then Emily’s new motivation becomes to rescue her siblings. Instead, she joins some rebels humans who want to overthrow the Elites and her new goal becomes finding a cure for vampirism, which, you know, fine, that’s a worthy goal, but why, tho? So she can turn Damian human and feel a little less guilty about marrying him?
- Emily’s family members are nothing but props, they don't even have personalities; her siblings don’t even have dialogs! It’s never believable that she cares about them, or humanity for that matter, all she cares about is saving Damian and even if she fails, she is also conveniently in loved with Trevor so it's a win-win for her eitherway.
Evident revisions:
-It’s quite evident when the author came up with an idea to advance the plot, only to realize he hadn’t established it earlier, and proceed to work his way back to shoehorn it in whenever possible. Maybe I'm the only one who notices this, but it's like he wrote the scenes out of place (which is fine) but then had to figure out how to connect them. For example, there's a scene where a tavern brawl takes place and the situation escalated so much, the author had to retroactively insert a new character who only shows up that one time to save the girls and get them out of the situation. But it was so evident when he introduced the new character (by way of Emily spotting him briefly at the distance) just so that it would make sense form him to be the one who would intervene later on. Like I said, maybe because I'm also a writer I can spot this little details, but this happened so much so often that it became quite evident and it bothered me.
World building:
-The author could not decide what type of world he wanted to write about: fantasy, dystopian, sci-fi, paranormal, so he wrote them all. Sometimes we live in a post-apocalyptic world where nothing of the past remains except a few pieces of technology (like electric pumps), other times we live in fully futuristic cities with enough resources to build tracking devices that can also perform constant blood-work on the wearer.
-In a single setting, such as Damian’s castle, we switch between having electrical lights to using candles (in a library, of all places).
-Animals are supposed to be poisonous mutations due to radiation, yet Emily hunts them for food.
-Vampires, werewolves, telepathy, mind control, and powers inherited through bloodline exist, but are explained away as science magic.
-Rebels sometimes have guns and bombs, other times the same group of rebels have nothing but swords and arrows.
-Sometimes we have cars and motorcycles, other times we have horses and carriages. It is as if the author kept forgetting what type of tech each faction was supposed to have and just wrote whatever sounded coolest at the time.
Strange LGTB inclusions:
-The only two female characters romantically involved with each other are not white, american girls (the story is supposed to take place in a post-apocaliptic America). One is black and the other albino, both come from far away territories like the North Pole or an island. They are also portrayed as more promiscuous than the pure, pristine, virginal, American Emily. So, it's like the author says that being lesbian is okay, provided you are not a white american.
-Thomas, an Elite clearly portrayed as a flamboyant, fashion-loving queer vampire in one chapter, gets turned into a 100% straight, macho man by the next. The first time we see him is hinted at the fact that Thomas had feelings for Damian and only married to keep appearances; that later on gets changed to them being simply really good friends who barely interact with each other for the remainder of the story. So non-white lesbians are okay, but gay man ARE NOT OKAY WE DON'T DO THAT HERE
Continuity issues:
-Damian’s eyes switch from green to blue at least twice across the story.
-At one point King Richard is called King Robert.
-Emily keeps forgetting she hates the red birthmarks on her hands and goes from being obsessed to keep her gloves on, to not wearing them for days.
-Emily keeps saying Damian doesn’t love her even though every time they are together he tells her, explicitly, that he does.
-Emily claims she has read every book in her town at least three times so she has an extensive knowledge of the world, but can’t recognize normal everyday items such as hair brushes.
-Emily is able to recognize marble, satin, and silk just by looking at them but doesn’t know what a motorcycle is.
-Peasants are supposed to be extremely poor and malnourished yet they have eggs, bacon and coffee almost every week (again, animals are supposed to be poisonous).
-The sun hasn’t shone in almost a century but people still farm and grow crops somehow.
-It’s only been 100 years since humanity devolved into this war between vampires and humans, yet we have entirely new civilizations with complex organized religions and political systems that would have otherwise take hundreds of years to form.
-There’s no one old enough to pass down knowledge from before the wars (I think the oldest human in the books was said to be in his early 50’s).
-An asian woman becomes a doctor and a scientist capable of replicating vaccines and complex pieces of engineering just by reading books.
-One of the vampires uses her mind control powers to trick some characters into eating rotten food FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT. If so, how did none of them get sick enough to sense something was off?
-There are a few sex scenes which are extremely uncomfortable to read considering the character’s age, but I think it’s more an issue of the delivery, of how a man tries to portray female arousal that really comes across as a more of a male fantasy than anything else.
-Emily knows werewolves are human and can be turned back into people, yet still refers to them as beasts or monsters and has no problems killing them whenever she encounters one.
-Emily has no agency: things happen to her instead of because of her actions. Whenever she acts on her own, she usually makes things worse yet takes no accountability for it (other than feeling guilty) and her actions either never get discovered or are immediately forgiven.
-Each new reveal is more absurd than the last, and is usually delivered using dialogue exposition (the bad guy even goes on an evil monologue at some point) or by Emily getting a dream/vision that explains/solves everything.
-Damien’s insta crush for Emily is explained by saying she is the granddaughter of the man he was best friends with years ago, who she also resembles a bit. Make that what you will
This has been really long, and barely scratches the surface of everything that’s wrong with these books. If you are 18+ and want a better love story about vampires farming humans for blood, go read the korean webcomic “Blood Bank”. It’s intended for mature audiences, yet the themes, character development and plot are much better handled in around 61 chapters than these books ever could in over 1000 pages.