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Lucy Lurie is deeply sunk in PTSD following a gang rape at her father’s farmhouse in the Western Cape.
She becomes obsessed with the author John Coetzee, who has made a name for himself by writing
Disgrace, a celebrated novel that revolves around the attack on her. Lucy lives the life of a celibate hermit, making periodic forays into the outside world in her attempts to find and confront Coetzee.
The Lucy of Coetzee’s fictional imaginings is a passive, peaceful creature, almost entirely lacking in agency. She is the lacuna in Coetzee’s novel – the missing piece of the puzzle.
Lucy Lurie is no one’s lacuna. Her attempts to claw back her life, her voice and her agency may be messy and misguided, but she won’t be silenced. Her rape is not a metaphor. This is her story.
248 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 1, 2019
"I was never that woman - fiction-Lucy. I was never her. I don't believe any woman is her. She is the product of male fantasy. The angelic victim who accepts her rape as a natural part of the order of things. Who takes the punishment for colonialism upon her own body and happily bears the child that results from it. Who chooses to live amid her assailants and share her life with them [...] If the message of atonement and reconciliation had been framed in any other way, I could have accepted it. If it had been represented in any other way besides the rape of a woman. That's what places it beyond the pale."
I thought the world held no further terrors for me. I was wrong. It turns out that the prospect of losing one's privilege is the biggest terror of all [...] She is wrong. She must be wrong, because it is inconvenient for me if she is right. I force the impulse down. I make myself stop trying to raise objections, to exceptionalise myself, to legitimise my pain. I stop talking altogether, and listen. This is not something I am good at. I have spent so much time trying to make my voice heard that my ears are out of practice.
'Oh, no, I couldn't do that. It would make people uncomfortable. No one would want to read it. Coetzee's story would stand head and shoulders above it. His story is a clean, coherent narrative. It is powerful and iconic. Mine is an uncontrolled emotion dump, lacking in structure and framework. If John Coetzee's story is a fountain pen on vellum, mine is menstrual blood on toilet paper.'