Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors

by Anne Marie Miller

Healing Together (Jun)

208 pages, Paperback

Published June 4, 2024

About the author

Anne Marie Miller is the author of five books and speaks at colleges, conventions, and churches on the topics of social justice, sexuality, health, addiction, and biblical themes like grace and restoration. She also writes for various publications, studied family sociology, and is currently pursuing her DMS at Rockbridge Seminary. She lives with her husband Tim, in a small town in Iowa. They are expecting their first-born this summer.

Her highly anticipated book 5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About Their Kids and Sex (Baker Publishing) releases May 17, 2016.

Reviews

[Chris Logan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a seminary graduate and a worship pastor, and it's a book I didn't know I needed. Think "Mandated Reporter Training 101 and 201" plus a ton of helpful tips for how to help survivors of abuse, all wrapped in Anne's beautiful and accessible writing. It's a vulnerable, authentic book, for sure; she's been through all this. In sharing her story, she makes the suffering and courage of survivors real and tangible for those of us that love them. Then she walks us through how to be helpful without causing further trauma.

I highly recommend the book for all who are in or seeking to enter pastoral ministry in any of its forms - local, mobile, or denominational. The statistics in the book are sobering, and a strong indicator that you will need this resource on your shelf to draw from regularly. While I'm sad that I've been in pastoral ministry for 10+ years without this, I'm so glad to have it now.

[Jay · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have received a copy of this book from the author and read it prior to publication.

Healing Together is an excellent, eminently readable, and extremely valuable resource for people who are putting their lives together after abuse or those who want to help them do so. It's well worth the investment of time, and I would imagine that most readers will mark it up heavily so that they can refer back to it. The content can be difficult and challenging to read because Anne exposes herself in ways that are not for the faint of heart. I'd highly recommend it to everyone, but especially for Christians who are involved in leadership in their local churches.

[Christi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got our copy of HEALING TOGETHER by @girlnamedanne today in the mail. Yes! Yes! Yes! As both a sexual abuse survivor as well as currently navigating the criminal legal process with our daughter it is important to understand the clinical aspects of trauma as well as other ways to be supportive for survivors of abuse. I find myself continuing to hold out hope with each book that addresses sexual abuse and abuse responses.. having read it, I’m looking forward to reading this again with her as our family navigates healing together. If you have found yourself navigating this process either as a survivor or alongside a survivor it is a MUsT read. But don’t just read..implement and act on the knowledge you gain. ☺️ If I had a megaphone 📣 I’d shout what an important and helpful resource this is.

[Adam Shields · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary: Part her own story of sexual abuse at the hands of a pastor and part guide to being with survivors of sexual abuse in your context. 

I have ‘known’ Anne Marie Miller for a very long time. I started reading her blog around 12 years ago. I have read all of her books. She ended up marrying the cousin of a high school friend of mine. I have appreciated being able to pray for her regularly as I follow along with her life via social media and the occasional email. I am not coming at Healing Together dispassionately. I was an early reader of one of her earlier books, one where she first detailed her sexual abuse.

Anne Miller is an example of a number of (primarily) women that have taken their abuse public because the desire for a better response by the church. Her abuse was at the hands of a church staff. Rachael Denhollander’s was at the hands of a sports doctor; others have been abused by teachers, parents, etc. Regardless of the context, the pain and trauma continue, and the context will be forever tainted. Church-based sexual abuse is particularly a problem because the church should be one of the places that are most responsive to sexual abuse survivors. But even a casual understanding of sexual abuse can see that churches often re-victimize abuse survivors.

Healing Together is doing several things. One is Anne’s own story. I primarily listened to the audiobook of Healing Together with Anne reading. I did that intentionally because I wanted to be able to hear her voice tell her own story. Anne is still recovering from a freak accident where she lost several teeth and has had to have multiple surgeries to reconstruct her jaw. Because I have known her for a while, I can hear some of that damage in her voice, but the audiobook is certainly still a good option for this Healing Together.

The second focus of Healing Together is understanding of what sexual abuse is, how the legal system works, simple definitions of terminology, and a guide on how to be in solidarity with abuse survivors. Her context is the church but this is not just a church-based guide. It is a guide that would be helpful for anyone, whether you are aware of abuse in your context or not. The reality is that whether you know it or not, you know people that have been sexually abused.

Anne Miller has pursued removing her abuser from ministry but like many cases it is also a textbook example of how churches tend to not handle abuse well. When she first reported, her abuser was an executive with the SBC International Mission Board. IMB found her abuse credible, but instead of firing him and removing him from ministry, IMB allowed him to resign, and he returned to church ministry within a matter of weeks. When Miller realized years later that he had returned to another denominational position and that he could still be criminally charged, she pursued the criminal case. But while he eventually pled guilty, he was allowed to plead guilty to a minor charge. The sentencing phase made that minor charge worse, allowing him to serve only 30 days in jail, if he meets the terms of his parole, the sexual abuse label will be removed from his record, and theoretically, under current SBC rules, he can return to the ministry and a background check will now show his criminal sexual abuse.

I am aware of many examples of the harassment that Anne Miller has endured in the wake of the criminal prosecution. Even this book was dropped by Lifeway publisher because she refused to say that abuse victims needed to return to the church. So she had to find yet another publisher, turning to one that was owned and controlled by a secular company.

Books like this are not ‘fun’. But they are important. We need to understand how to be in solidarity with people and to do what is necessary, without further victimizing them. The Kindle edition is being kept at $2. The paperback can be bought by the case. Read it and give it to those in your life that need to know.

[Theron John · Rating 4 out of 5]

'Healing Together' is not an easy read. In it, your heart will break and be angered by the abuse Anne Marie Miller suffered in and by the church. You will hear about the horror that comes with experiencing sexual abuse. However, even though it is not an easy read, it is an essential read. While readers, I being among them, may struggle or disagree with some stances in the book (for example, the role of the church or of biblical counseling in the healing process) (Miller 92), this book does lay out the issues supporters of sexual abuse survivors need to consider as they care for those they love. Even when there is disagreement, what Miller puts forth should cause her readers to think through the matters presented. They will also appreciate the honesty from Miller as she admits "church" is something she is still working on herself, and understandably so (Miller 14). The goal in all of this is that by understanding and coming alongside the abused, the love of Christ would be shown to the world (Miller 87). If you are someone whose heart breaks for survivors of sexual abuse, especially within the church, and you want to consider ways you can care for and come alongside them in the healing process, then take a look at 'Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors' by Anne Marie Miller. Let survivors of sexual abuse know they are not alone!

I received this book from Zondervan on behalf of the author in exchange for this review. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own and are my honest review of the book.

See full review at: http://www.entrustedbygod.org/2019/11...

3.5/4 out of 5 stars

[Heather]

This book is part of a much needed conversation, dare I say, part of a much needed movement in the church today. It is full of wisdom, experience, and tips. This is a an excellent resource. I definitely recommend it. I think everyone who is involved in a church should read this book, because we need to be prepared, unfortunately.
Thank you so much, Anne, for stepping out in faith and writing this book.

[Steph Cherry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been following Anne’s writing for over a decade. I have been on several of her launch teams and I can unwaveringly say that she has a voice we need to listen to. This book is no exception. She has given the church a gift.

In the first section we learn about trauma and hear about her own trauma. She has had quite a bit of pain turning in her abuser. Well-meaning Christian women basically called her a tramp and said she should have known better...even though she was a child and her abuser was an adult. It is no wonder that people do not come forward after trauma. The people who should offer healing heap them with shame.

The second section of the book is a fantastic resource to anyone who is in trauma care or looking to help someone who has been abused. So often, we look like a deer in the headlights when this sort of thing happens. We are completely unequipped. Anne has clearly laid out scientific and emotional data and strategies for us. The research and thoughtful care she has put into this book is easily seen. Even though I have been helping people navigate trauma for many years, I found some powerful reminders here. I am reminded of my own needs as I address others needs.

Thank you for your powerful work, Anne. It leaves us without excuse in helping those around us.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been a fan of Anne Marie Miller's writing since the release of "Permission to Speak Freely", which gave me just that. Her writing style is so readable and relatable you just keep reading, like having a conversation with a friend. This book is long overdue in the #metoo and #churchtoo movements. When one survivor comes forward, more come forward, and more come forward. Chances are you will hear, "I was sexually assaulted" from someone in your circle. Now instead of panicking, feeling lost and confused, or being caught of guard and inadvertently speaking harmful platitudes, this book provides many helpful tools. There are many books out there about sexual abuse, and they are generally written with psychological jargon and with words that require a dictionary close by. This is not that. This was written for the average person who has long felt desperate and helpless. Anne addresses the power differential in which a non-survivor's misunderstandings create judgment about what did, or what they believe should have, happened. The first thing when helping a survivor is to believe them, not blame them. There is so much here to help if you are a survivor also, as the author herself is one. An important work that will become the go to book for helping victims become survivors.

[Chris Logan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a seminary graduate and a worship pastor, and it's a book I didn't know I needed. Think "Mandated Reporter Training 101 and 201" plus a ton of helpful tips for how to help survivors of abuse, all wrapped in Anne's beautiful and accessible writing. It's a vulnerable, authentic book, for sure; she's been through all this. In sharing her story, she makes the suffering and courage of survivors real and tangible for those of us that love them. Then she walks us through how to be helpful without causing further trauma.

I highly recommend the book for all who are in or seeking to enter pastoral ministry in any of its forms - local, mobile, or denominational. The statistics in the book are sobering, and a strong indicator that you will need this resource on your shelf to draw from regularly. While I'm sad that I've been in pastoral ministry for 10+ years without this, I'm so glad to have it now.

[Michael Mcilwain · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book from the author and have read it in full.

Anne's book "Healing Togther" is an excellent resource for all who desire to help survivors of sexual abuse. Anne has experienced this trauma herself and shares with the reader ways that sexual abuse victims can be supported as they heal from the trauma of abuse. In addition to sharing her own story Anne has done much research and has also received medical training and mental health training to help her provide healing to victims.

The book is consise as it only has 208 pages. Anne does a great job of explaining legal, medical, and therapeutic terms without getting bogged down in mere terminology. There are helpful appendices that make this book a valuable resource that every pastor, church staff member, educator, and childcare worker should own. I learned much about how to be empathetic and supportive while also not allowing myself to become emotionally unhealthy as I support abuse victims.

[Jenny Walley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so necessary to the conversation about sexual abuse. It is a topic that we all know about but most of us don't know how to talk about, or to appropriately be with our friends and loved ones who have experienced this unspeakable crime. I appreciated the author's honesty and vulnerability about her own experience, which really helped me step into the shoes of a survivor. The book was practical in so many ways, and yet beautifully written. She addressed what it feels like to move through the healing journey, she defined terms that I have always found confusing, and addressed how our terminology affects the way we protect and care for children in this area.

I also appreciated her words to the church as to how we can be naive to the topic of sexual abuse, and described steps a church or organization can and should take to sufficiently background check a potential volunteer with children or vulnerable people.

[Joe Sewell · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the interest of full disclosure, I received a free printed copy of this book as part of the volunteer launch team. That obligates an honest review.

Anne's story presented here is difficult to read. It should be for anyone that has any form of empathy for another. As she has done in the past she is as transparent as is legally warranted in telling her story. She also provides hope for all survivors, with the reality check that healing doesn't come quickly or easily, but it can happen.

Every human being should read this book, because we all know someone who has been abused in some fashion, and we all have probably abused someone, albeit by accident or out of ignorance. There is still hope.

The content is disturbing. It doesn't end happy ever after. It continues toward that goal, and it provides information and experiences that will allow you to continue toward that goal.

Read it.

[Ralph Helm · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Healing Together" is a difficult, challenging, and extremely important read. It provides practical advice, as well as many important tools to help individuals, families, and organizations navigate the brutally painful process of helping someone going through the horrifying experience of being sexually assaulted/abused. I would recommend it to families and friends who have had experience with this, and honestly, I feel like every staff and administration of every church, school, and organization should read this book and have it on hand for families going through such a trauma. What I loved most about Anne's book is her argument that we can't do this alone. When we shut ourselves out and try to, the opposite of healing happens.

(note: I received an early copy of this book through Zondervan, who did not pay or compensate me in any way for my honest review)

[Carm · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very helpful and provides great information without being boring or dry. This book is for anyone and everyone... probably the first person that someone will tell about abuse will not be a counselor, psychologist, or investigator... it will be a friend, an aunt, a co-worker. So we would all do
Well to be prepared to respond wisely. Tragically, we all know someone who has been abused. Our words and actions can help them heal (or help them to seek help) or can cause more harm and damage. Healing Together helps us to understand how abuse affects us, and how we can come alongside and help others.

[Pamela Hunter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was sent a copy of Healing Together by the Author .for the purpose of reading and writing a review of it.

It is my belief that Healing Together has the capability to help every victim of sexual abuse or rape. It also is an incredible tool to enable any mandated reporter, family member or friend who is in the untenable position of knowing their person has been victimized and they aren't quite sure how to help.

Healing Together is so user friendly and and full of data, so you don't need a bunch of books to research all of your information ; @Anne Marie Miller has done the work for you. Definitely a must read 💜😇😍

[Lois · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sexual abuse of any kind is not an easy subject to address and there are aspects of it that are misrepresented by some and misunderstood by others. Anne Marie Miller shares her own story of abuse and attempts to help people to better understand what a survivor experiences in order for them to know how to, and how not to, respond. She doesn't pretend to have all the answers or a cure all, but she does share solid advice that can help advocates to better support survivors. She shows how the trauma affects the individual mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually- long past the time of the assault.

[Josh Tharp · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read for anyone in church leadership! It is a real life view of what a church abuse survivor walks through and where we have failed collectively. It is awe inspiring the courage to put this account into words and a published book. It will both break your heart and cause a righteous indignation at the lengths that have been taken to avoid accountability within the church and more importantly actual healing for victims/survivors.

Please read this and together let's work to make church a safer place for everyone and a healing place for those caught in trauma.

[Steven Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

It isn't very often that a book comes along at a perfect time and fills a void that needs to be filled.

This book is exactly that. Something everyone needs to read. Something everyone can benefit from.

Unfortunately, most of us know someone that has been affected by sexual abuse. This book offers you a chance to learn how to better walk alongside them as they heal.

Cannot recommend it enough.

[Just]

I can see why he only got 30 days . She was literally a coming of age women not some little kid clearly and just within the common age of consent laws at the time and to this day. She was not attacked but was literally going alone and participated in a relationship that ended with him being a cheating guy in a relationship. She regrets it and now sees herself as a victim of some kind lol. She pushed hard finding something to get out of this and finally got 30 days lol.

[Don’t be a jerk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brave, beautifully written and smart. So sad to see people victim shaming and having no knowledge of the law or this case. This woman changed the way Baptists handle sex abuse accusations. No “lol” when it comes to children being raped. Full of well researched material woven with Miller’s story of Mark Aderholt sexually assaulting her as a teenage girl. According to public record more women have come forward.

[Amanda Bedard · Rating 5 out of 5]

In our day and age with the realities of #metoo and #church too, I’m grateful for Anne’s vulnerability to share her story. She is lending her voice to help provide resources for supporting individuals who are survivors of sexual abuse.
I am myself a survivor of sexual abuse and I’m also a pastor. This book was helpful for not only my occupation but also to understand the facets of my own traumatic experiences.
I’m so thankful this resource is available and I hope that many people will find it useful as a support to love people in a kind, trauma-informed way.

[Rebecah Hatchel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful, but very religious in focus, without much heads up about that on the cover. I wish there was more focus on how to support survivors long term, not just in the immediate aftermath. Also, more information on how sexual trauma affects the partners of survivors, and what they can do to navigate that. Again, a helpful read, but could have used more.

[Tracey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another helpful well written book by Anne. I finished it in two days. It covers a serious topic and would be a great resource for anyone who is on church staff or actively involved in ministry.

[Carl Leake · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good information for persons new to how to respond and support persons who have had sexual abuse.

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good overview for Christians on how to walk alongside victims of sexual assault

[Candice Kraus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful resource for the lay person trying to walk with someone through the trauma of sexual abuse. Great tips as well as gentle reminders for what not to do.

[Richard Propes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first encountered "Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors" author Anne Marie Miller after having read her book "Lean On Me" and subsequently immediately yet another of her books.

I followed the author on Goodreads, which I think is the hipster way of saying "I really dig this author and connect with their writing," and subsequently have had some social media contacts. We'd had some discussion of my receiving an early copy of "Healing Together" but, quite honestly, I preferred the opportunity to financially support the book (Confession: I did wait until it went on sale) and the author.

All that to say that I really kind of knew what to expect from "Healing Together," though to be honest "Healing Together" isn't exactly what I expected.

Given the title, I expected "Healing Together" to be more relationship-based than it actually is. I think the word "together" threw me off a bit and I wondered if the book would ultimately be applicable in my own circumstances.

In this case, however, the "together" more indicates that we're not meant to travel this journey alone and we're also meant to support those who experience sexual abuse in our communities and, in Miller's case, especially in our communities of faith.

There's a certain joy in reading Miller because of her overall transparency. She possesses a sort of fumbly bumbly authenticity that is refreshingly honest yet aware enough of boundaries and self-care to also for the most part be healthy and wonderful and spirited. I identify with her quite a bit, both as a survivor of sexual abuse/violence and as someone who has spent most of my adult life trying to do what I can to support survivors.

Among the many things that I appreciate about "Healing Together," I think the thing I most appreciate is the eloquently shared journey Miller had in figuring out that her teenage experience with a youth minister was, in fact, abuse (For the record, it was...no question).

In many ways, "Healing Together" is a primer for both preventing sexual abuse and responding to sexual abuse in ways that are productive, affirming, healthy, and faithful.

Some, I would even say a lot, of the material in "Healing Together" wasn't necessarily new for someone like me who's been on the healing journey for a while and who's been in healing professions. Yet, the beautiful thing about "Healing Together" is the way it organizes the information and structures it in a way that's accessible, simple, and straightforward. There's not a lot of ego here - the information is presented like "This is what I experienced. This is what I know." She's in touch with her limitations and writes from the perspective of a well-learned, educated survivor who can speak from both a personal and knowledgeable place but is also not a therapist or a researcher. In other words, she doesn't make herself an "expert." If anything, she likely comes off as a survivor whose authenticity makes her a valuable part of your survivor toolbox.

Miller writes with all the emotions expressed, but also expressed in healthy ways. There's confidence and innocence, anger and hurt all expressed within the pages of this deceptively breezy read. I say "breezy" because it is a relatively short book, yet it's worth noting that Miller's matter-of-fact way of writing at times can really make these difficult subjects come to life in ways that may trigger survivors, especially those earlier in the healing journey or just learning how to say "This happened to me."

"Healing Together" is a substantial work precisely because it's a straightforward work. Miller provides her own testimony, but rather than fully base the entire book within that then detours into what I'd call a more everyday, practical version of my beloved "Courage to Heal" but more from an education/awareness perspective than a therapeutic one. Churches and organizations, in particular, could benefit from reading this book, discussing this book, and incorporating its knowledge into its training programs.

Miller had given up writing a couple years ago, a conscious choice as she moved more into her role as healer and into the field of nursing. However, her experiences in dealing with her own perpetrator and the legal aspects of her abuse brought her back into writing to put together "Healing Together" and, wisely, Zondervan picked it up even as Miller herself struggles with the idea of "church" and faith community as she continues on her own healing journey.

So, bravo to Miller and bravo to Zondervan.

There is much to love here. Even as someone who is further down the road of survivor having written one of my own books and with another one soon to be pushed, I definitely endorse "Healing Together" as a valuable resource for survivors, a vital resource for churches and organizations, and a great read for those who are trying to figure out "How do I support sexual abuse survivors?"

"Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors" may not have all the answers, but it's a wonderful place to start the journey for both individuals and organizations.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

saddened me but also gave me hope

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informational.

[Tim Littleford · Rating 2 out of 5]

Definitely written for a SBC context. I honour her courage in sharing her story and writing this book, but much of what's outside of that is slabs of googled research.