Being the Grownup: Love, Limits, and the Natural Authority of Parenthood

by Adelia Moore

Children need adults to survive. This, despite the profound change our digital era has wrought on family life, remains the essence of parenthood. Being the Grownup: The Natural Authority of Parenthood begins not with what should be, but with what is: If you are a parent, it is your job to provide shelter and safety, to make decisions about education, childcare, health and nourishment, to create the habitat that is the context and crucible of family life. Being the Grownup helps parents translate their determination to care for and protect their children into the clarity they need to communicate authority with a firm confidence, whether for bedtime, screen-time or mealtime. Just as she would in a clinical conversation, the author shifts the focus away from disciplinary strategies and back to the core of parenthood, the relationship between parents and children as it evolves, moment-to-moment, from the dependence of infancy to the autonomy of young adulthood.

There are a host of reasons that contemporary parents might feel uneasy about embracing their natural authority. There have always been parents who doubted themselves, often blaming their children, who may seem determined to challenge every limit. If authority is natural, why is that so? Looking for the answer in the characteristics of developmental stages or parenting strategies often leaves parents frustrated, because being a parent is not something you do to a child but something you are with a child. Parental authority is not simply a matter of discipline with time-outs, or even skilled negotiation and conflict resolution. Parent and child are two human beings whose bodies and voices, experiences, perspectives and emotions shape their interactions with each other. Like everything else about relationships, it's complicated.

Being the Grownup zeroes in on the core challenge for every parent, the hard work of building a relationship that combines trust and connection with confident authority children can feel and rely on. Relationships take time, and so does learning about relationships. Readers will not find bullet points or formulas. Instead, to more fully understand what happens moment to moment between parents and children, and what patterns between them may strengthen or undermine parents' authority, my readers will find moments in the parent-child relationship examined from a variety of angles. Each chapter delves deep into a topic, including attachment, temperament, family systems theory and body language, making connections from theory and research to everyday family life.

No one book can tell you what to do in every situation with every child. There are simply too many variables. That's why it's important to know more about what to think about parenthood and the relationship you have with each of your children: Being the Grownup helps you do that.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

322 pages, Paperback

Published June 10, 2019

Reviews

[Meg - A Bookish Affair · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Being the Grownup" is a non-fiction book based on the premise that parents have natural authority when they become parents, that is they are in charge because they are parents. This is a premise that I've definitely practiced with my own kids: I am the parent, I am here to protect you and this is why you must follow what I say. Even if I believe in this firmly, a little confidence boost is always more than welcome. The author seeks to give parents that confidence boost to stand firm even with times are tough.

The book consists of nuggets of wisdom as well as real life examples to help readers understand how to implement the lessons of the book. While the author acknowledges that there is not a one-size-fits-all solution for some problems that you may confront as a parent. This book is more geared to give you tactics to deal with situations that you face in your own home.

The writing of this book is good. Some of it feels quite academic and may require some additional rumination. I found the way that the examples were written to be particularly good. It made it very easy to imagine how I would apply the tactics discussed in the book to the examples, great practice if you will.

Overall, this is a good parenting reference that I know will be helpful to refer back to.

[Sara Strand · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book although it isn't one you're going to sit down to leisurely read. It's almost textbook like but easier to take in. The book provides a lot of information about parenting, psychology, tons of scientific research, but also real life events that we can all identify with on a daily basis. I found myself relating to a lot of it and thinking about it long after I put it down and looking at how I parent and how I could do things differently. Highly recommend this for parents who aren't quite there yet (though there is a baby and small child section), parents who are struggling through it, or parents who feel like they are too far gone to fix it, there is something for everyone.

You can read my complete review, and see other reviews, on my blog: Stranded in Chaos

[Andrea Marin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a simple and powerful premise : you are the grown-up. Therefore, your authority is natural, evidenced by every moment of interaction with your family and the mundane daily acts of running a house and a family.

This is a book with no magic recipes, no one-size-fits-all solutions, no "secrets" that will suddenly make you a great parent. It's a straightforward and refreshing book that allows you to better understand your unique family dynamics, written by an expert in psychology and motherhood. Definitely recommended.

[Sheena · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you struggle with being a confident assertive parent, this helps!

[Vicki · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book that would be very helpful for many parents, teachers, or anyone who interacts with children.

The book will help you have a better relationship with your child and help calm the tempers and stress of you both. The author covers a large area of situations and will give you the confidence that you can handle whatever comes your way.

Although I don’t agree with everything the author says, I can tell she is very knowlegable in this area and has a lot of good advice. For example, she talks about how children spend too much time on their phones etc., how each child has their own personalities, likes & dislikes, and not spending enough quality family time together. She also touches on co-parenting.

I raised my kids in the late 80’s and it was a very different time, but if I was raising kids today, I would be thankful for this book.