Cracking the Communication Code: The Secret to Speaking Your Mate's Language

by Emerson Eggerichs

Communication between couples has been dissected in thousands of books and articles, so why does it remain the number one marriage problem? "Because," says Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, "most spouses don't know that they speak two different languages. They are sending each other messages in 'code, ' but they won't crack that code until they see that she listens to hear the language of love and he listens to hear the language of respect." Dr. Eggerichs' best-selling book, "Love & Respect," launched a revolution in how couples relate to each other based on Ephesians 5:33: "The husband must love his wife . . . and the wife must respect her husband." In "Cracking the Communication Code," he shows couples how to decipher what they are really saying to each other and how to speak each other's distinctly different language - repsect for him, love for her. The result is mutual understanding and a successful, godly marriage.

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Communication, Faith

355 pages, Hardcover

First published February 29, 2000

About the author

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Reviews

[Erin Henry · Rating 1 out of 5]

So much of it comes down to "be a good human". The gendered nature of it bothers me a lot. Men and women are different but I think they both want love and respect. However the book did help remind me to be a good human and gave me some new tips on how.

[Ethan · Rating 5 out of 5]

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33 ESV).

This verse is the basis for the Love and Respect system as promoted by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. His Love and Respect book, DVD series, and seminars have become very popular and have been a great benefit to many couples throughout the country. The fundamental principle that women need love and men need respect and that each should give what the other needs unconditionally has great value in a marriage.

But how, exactly, can a man communicate love and a wife communicate respect? This is the subject of The Language of Love & Respect: Cracking the Communication Code With Your Mate, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

This book was previously published as Cracking the Communication Code but has now been helpfully re-titled in order to better demonstrate its alignment with the core love and respect principles presented in the original Love and Respect.

The Language of Love and Respect can be seen as the "intermediate" or "advanced" level of the Love and Respect concept. The fundamental concepts of Love and Respect are presented in the first part of the book-- women need love, men need respect, they should not step on each other's air hose, men see the world and hear the world as men and women as women, "blue" and "pink," not wrong, just different, and the three cycles: the crazy cycle, the energized cycle, and the rewarded cycle. This recap is beneficial, but the reader would benefit from a thorough study of the original book on Love and Respect.

The Language of Love and Respect then returns to each of the three cycles-- the crazy cycle, the energized cycle, and the rewarded cycle-- and expands on the concepts presented. The reader is introduced to the process by which Emerson came to his conclusions. More examples of the difficulties and how to get beyond them are presented. The reader will more likely than not find him or herself within many of those situations and thus can benefit from considering them.

The focus on the "crazy" cycle is how to decode the message the spouse is presenting-- how to get behind the argued issue to understand the underlying difficulty. In the "energized" cycle, the focus is on how to apply COUPLE and CHAIRS, the means by which to energize women and men, respectively, and how to clarify communication before the "craziness" begins.

For the crazy and energized cycles there is just an expansion of the concepts already presented in Love and Respect, and such is valuable. More is presented with the rewarded cycle, focusing on the "Jesus way of talking," using principles in Ephesians 4-5 regarding speaking in ways that are consistent with Jesus-- words of truth, encouragement, forgiveness, thankfulness, and Scripture.

The Language of Love and Respect, therefore, is the ideal next step after one has considered Love and Respect-- finding ways to put the principles into practice in everyday communication. The Language of Love and Respect emphasizes not only the Biblical principles that lead to better marriage but places its own emphasis on how, in the end, it's not about the marriage as much as it is about God in Christ. We must "be Jesus" in our marital relationships, relationships with children, parents, employers, employees, friends, etc.

Eggerichs is an Evangelical and apologizes in the book for total depravity and "once saved, always saved"; nevertheless, these do not really affect the concepts and principles in this book.

Everyone who is in a marriage relationship or intends to be in a marriage relationship at some point will benefit from the Love and Respect material, and The Language of Love & Respect is a welcome addition to that material. This is a must read for both husbands and wives!

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a followup to the relationship book called Love & Respect. It's basically a reiteration of what was stated in the first book, but focuses on communication skills as those principles are applied. My boyfriend and I are going through the Love & Respect DVD series, which has been immensely helpful for us in terms of understanding the completely different perspectives we often come from. It was helpful to read this book while going through the DVDs, but I'd say if you've read Love & Respect, you can probably skip this one.

[Kristina · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF at 50%

I haven't picked this up in almost a month and have no desire to do so. While there were some valuable parts, this is overall a less successful rehashing of Love and Respect. It felt overly wordy and repetitive, and I was frustrated with the constant twisting of Scripture to fit the author's narrative.

[Eric · Rating 1 out of 5]

My wife and I enjoyed the author's first book (Love and Respect), but this book we couldn't finish. A waste of money since it is just a rehash of the first book. Buy the the first one, skip the second. I will be extra cautious if he comes out with a third book. Maybe he needs to try the niche approach (L&R for your kids, L&R for your pets, L&R for your boss, etc.) On second thought, skip that too- others have tried to milk that one already.

[B.C. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Abandoned.

The self-help book had some good things but just couldn't keep us interested to stay commited. If you are a self-help person, this would probably be pretty good.

[Maryjo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely excellent for couples and even work relationships when it is male and female.

[Isabelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Repetitive in the beginning but glad I stuck with it until the end. The best part is the reward cycle chapters at the end.

[Mandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is long! Not difficult to read though. At the beginning of chapter eleven I almost put the book down thinking it was too radical and of course someone who is a Christian Counselor is going to analyze every conversation it’s unrealistic for normal people to do that. But then he talked about giving feedback in the form of a question and the rest of the chapter won me over as my favorite chapter in the whole book. What I learned in this book I’m applying to every relationship (I am not married).

Like what Emerson says in Appendix E:
“Always do or say what you do or say knowing your speech or actions reflect who you are, not who your spouse is.

[Chickadee · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Language of Love & Respect
(This book was previously released as Cracking the Communication Code.)

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs believes that when a woman learns to speak respectfully and a husband learns to speak lovingly, they reflect the “Jesus Way of Talking”. From various surveys and years of talking with couples, Dr. Eggerichs has found that the biggest problem in marriage is a lack of communication.

If you have previously read Love & Respect, then Chapter One of The Language of Love & Respect will be a review of the Love & Respect Principles. If you’re anxious to get started on improving your communication skills, you might want to skip to Chapter Two.

This book repeats some of the information from Love & Respect, but I think that the advice is definitely worth repeating. It has been proven that learning is best with repetition and unless you’ve been able to perfect your communication skills, review is always good.

If you’re not aware of what the “Crazy Cycle” is, it can be summed up as this: Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love. Simple in theory, but effective when you concentrate on acting Christ-like in your marriage.

While this book makes many good points, one of my favorites was that we should try to look at our spouses as Jesus sees them. Make sure that you fairly represent your spouse’s spirit – give your spouse the same grace and mercy YOU want them to give you. Successful marriages are those that look for and believe in their spouse’s goodwill. When you have unrealistic expectations in marriage, you end up having problems. Your spouse cannot meet all of your needs – only God can meet all of your needs.

I do have some theological differences from the author in regards to his view of forgiveness (in Chapter 7) but overall, this book is a great resource if you are looking to improve communication with your spouse.

[Becki]

In this sequel to Love and Respect, Dr. Eggerichs breaks down how love and respect are reflected and seen through our communication with one or another.\n\nMy aunt gave us the original book as a wedding present. We both read it. And as long as I keep it visually in front of me, I remember that respect is a deep need for Jeff (and all men) and am better at meeting that. Out of sight�usually out of mind within a few weeks. Yet I was still excited to dig into this second book that has more practical application for how I communicate�and receive communication.\n\nAlso, before you single folks check out, I think that it�s a good book to read even if you�re single. Yes, the target audience is married people. However, all men � married or not � have an innate need to feel respected and all women � married or not � have an innate need to feel loved. So in all communication, if you speak towards those needs, you�re going to be more successful.\n\nAlthough, I do have to say I�m either incredibly delusional or I�m an exception to this love/respect rule. I would much rather know that I�m respected than feel like I am loved. \n\nHowever, the communication keys in the book are still applicable, and I�m going to keep working on it until I get it right.\n

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Coming from a place where I have not read the previous book "Love & Respect" this felt sometimes like a collection of appraisal of the previous books' impact on people's lives. In a sense, that's a great thing to have examples but it is very often it feels like, well, a little bit too much. I also disliked all the abbreviations as each book I read seem to make up their own. Also, Eggerichs is one to say that he discovered this new thing about Love & Respect, but for me, it looks more like putting human experiences into abstractions and then exploring them and explaining through those. Luckily for Eggerich, it works, because he is rooted in human experience and does explain things pretty well and down to earth. All the systems aside I found a lot of good advice and examples that easily can transfer into my own life - and in that it is a very helpful book to have read.

[Mandy J. Hoffman · Rating 4 out of 5]

In The Language Of Love & Respect you will learn how important simply communication is in your marriage and how you can crack what seems to be a complicated code.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs explains the various cycles that take place in a marriage and how they apply to our lives. If you feel like you are in the crazy cycle, reading this book will help you head in the right direction to energize your marriage rather than drain it.

I enjoy Dr. Eggerichs word picture of how woman hear and see in pink and men hear and see in blue and when you blend them you have God's purple. I found the balance and encouragement in this book to be helpful and easily applicable.

Any couple at any stage of marriage will benefit from this book and the advice of Dr. Eggerichs.

[Kristen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oops. I forgot I still had this on my currently reading. I have not been currently reading this for over a year and a half! I got about 33% in to the book. The beginning was really slow and the author talked A LOT about himself. Almost all his examples came from his life...which is fine, examples are good...but maybe come up with theoretical examples rather than always your life. There were some good things in there that I remember, but mostly, we just got bored with it and didn't finish the book.

Perhaps it got better at the end, and if you can muddle through the boring parts, there may be some helpful information...it just didn't end up working for us.

[Phillip · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love and Respect was very, very good. Cracking the Communication Code was amazing. A book that will remind you of things you may have missed in the first book as well as provide MUCH additional insight.

Get both books and read them in order - though each can stand alone.

I also recommend the Love and Respect conference (www.loveandrespect.com). Your marriage and other relationships will be rewarded with growth regardless of your marriage status - troubled, fine or excellent. The conferences are gently faith based, and therefore open to everyone by design.

[Jeff Bobin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good follow up to Love and Respect but if you are going to read one or the other I recommend Love and Respect. A lot of repeated information in this book.

There are some nugets of information that make this a good read for those that want to reflect and enhance the information in the original book.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very insightful book, another one supporting striving in your marriage to be holy as opposed to being happy. Looking at your marriage from eternal perspective as opposed to a worldly perspective. I appreciated the information in the appendices at the end of the book. I thought the section on adultery abuse and addiction was handled very well.

[Nathan Sudds · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is also called Cracking the Communication Code and I highly recommend it. It starts off a bit dry but each chapter has valuable insight on relationship dynamics. The love and respect concept definitely is worth reading and talking about. I've read this years ago and listened to parts of the audio again this year.

[Karen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book could be half the length. Very repetitive. I found some helpful hints but I have read much better books on marriage. We were reading this with a small group. Two couples found it helpful, especially because they came into the study figuring their mate was the problem. Surprise! They found they had to work on themselves first.

[Daryl Watts · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting new stories and the last section introduces TUFTS, using Truthful Words, Uplifting Words, Forgiving Words, Thankful Words, and Scriptural Words, with your spouse. Otherwise, most of the book is a restatement of Love & Respect by the same author.

[Greg Van Vorhis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a practical, real-life book of suggestions for how to put the concepts in their first book, "Love and Respect," into daily use. It has its excellent points, and it has times when you just want to stop reading due to repetition.

[Cherlene Robson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fully recommended for any couple who wants to improve their communication skill. Great book to read. The importance of love and respect in the marriage and to stop the crazy circle. Every couple should read this book, great insight for any one who want to learn and understand about relationship.

[kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good "reminder" of how to treat your spouse. Although we are in a "happy season" of marriage, I wanted to reference in not so happy times- I ended up buying a copy to keep on hand:)

[Monica Buescher · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent information about understanding the differences between men and women. Highly helpful and enjoyable to read. I definitely recommend it!

[John Caves · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book with specific ideas to succeed in showing love to my wife

[Mark Delaplane · Rating 2 out of 5]

There is too much of a Evangelical Christian perspective on this for me.

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enlightening. Interesting. Lots of good tips.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Too repetitive. Read the first one.

[Mookie J · Rating 4 out of 5]

decent book. Seemed to repeat itself a lot- but maybe that was kind of the point.
Pretty simple and straightforward.
End of the book was better

[fruitcake · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was surprised by the amount of religion and scripture in this book. I found it distracting and annoying; obviously this book wasn't for me.