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Managing Leadership Anxiety: Yours and Theirs
You Can Learn to Handle the Onslaught of Internal and External Pressures
Does anxiety get in the way of your ability to be an effective leader? Is your inability to notice when you and those around you are anxious keeping you "stuck" in chronic unhealthy patterns? In Managing Leadership Anxiety, pastor and spiritual growth expert Steve Cuss offers powerful tools to help you move from being managed by anxiety to managing anxiety.
You'll develop the capacity to notice your anxiety and your group's anxiety. You will increase your sensitivity to the way groups develop systemic anxiety that keeps them trapped. Your personal self-awareness will increase as you learn how self gets in the way of identifying and addressing issues.
Managing Leadership Anxiety offers valuable principles to those who are hungry to understand the source of the anxiety in themselves and in the people with whom they relate. Readers will be empowered to take back control of their lives and lead in mature and vibrant ways.
Does anxiety get in the way of your ability to be an effective leader? Is your inability to notice when you and those around you are anxious keeping you "stuck" in chronic unhealthy patterns? In Managing Leadership Anxiety, pastor and spiritual growth expert Steve Cuss offers powerful tools to help you move from being managed by anxiety to managing anxiety.
You'll develop the capacity to notice your anxiety and your group's anxiety. You will increase your sensitivity to the way groups develop systemic anxiety that keeps them trapped. Your personal self-awareness will increase as you learn how self gets in the way of identifying and addressing issues.
Managing Leadership Anxiety offers valuable principles to those who are hungry to understand the source of the anxiety in themselves and in the people with whom they relate. Readers will be empowered to take back control of their lives and lead in mature and vibrant ways.
224 pages, Kindle Edition
Published April 9, 2019
520 people are currently reading
1770 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 189 reviews
May 24, 2022
I've just recently read Edwin Friedman's book called, A Failure of Nerve, and was enthralled by its philosophy (which actually comes from Murray Bowen, noted pioneer of Family Systems). And now I run across this, which seems to disseminate much of Friedman's views within a Judeo-Christian framework. I picked it up and couldn't put it down until I was half way through. I've taken the last few days to pick my way through to the end. And wow. I've been looking for literature like this that would help sharpen my leadership skills when faced with relational predicaments and emotional binds. The games we play and the tactics we employ are clearly named in this book, and tools are offered to diffuse anxiety while attempting to remain connected to community. An excellent resource for anyone in a role of leadership.
December 1, 2024
This book has helped me notice when I and others are spewing anxiety and spread it as an infectious disease. Cuss seeks to make the reader more self-aware and group-aware of how anxiety affects us and spreads through the systems we inhabit: families, churches, workplaces, even basketball teams.
Cuss is a Christian and brings biblical reflections to bear on his analysis of anxiety at many points.
1) Some of these reflections are helpful and profound.
2) Sometimes he uses the Bible as a proof text for his preexisting principles. It’s not that Cuss’ principles go against scripture, rather the texts Cuss goes too aren’t about his principle.
3) However, sometimes Cuss missinterprets what scripture is saying and rejects the Bible’s clear teaching. For example, Cuss ignores the Bible’s teaching on the offense of sin against God, and God’s settled, controlled personal hostility to sin. Instead he defines sin as that which harms us, and God’s response is that he is sad that we are hurting ourselves. While the Bible’s teaching on sin does include the harm it does to us and God’s sorrow at our own self destructiveness, yet, at heart the Bible’s definition is that sin is against God, not merely against us. It’s for this reason I would find it hard to unhesitatingly endorse this book to others.
Nevertheless there was lots of extremely helpful principles in the book. These principles were practical, illustrated with real life examples and relevant to all leaders. The book could be improved with a summary in chart form of the sources of anxiety he states and principles for breaking them.
The following are some of my highlights and takeaways from the book:
- Pay attention to what I am feeling and how it is expressing in my body language and words I speak during meetings.
- If I spew anxiety on those I lead, that anxiety will spread through the system.
- Write and regularly consult a life giving list of people, places and practices that help me diffuse anxiety and find rest.
- Be careful not to over function in relationships—high activity, inability to pause, over sharing, resistance to planning, directive leadership style—all of which is a sign I am anxious and not thinking straight.
- A truly non anxious presence is the ability to not let others' anxiety and affect me.
- Laugh at myself and be playful in meetings. It reduces my anxiety and theirs.
- Pay attention not just to the content of what is said in meetings but the process.
- ‘Burnout has less to do with workload and more to do with internal and external leadership anxiety. As surely as the sun rises every morning, so will a leader face a situation where she is anxious or annoyed at the person she is leading, or she wonders why she feels ashamed. Or he gets tired of being stuck in the same pattern with his team. Or he doesn’t know what to do, yet he must do something.’
- If I am leading my team more by “how-ing” rather than “wow-ing” I have a problem with control.
- Many of our negative behaviors flow from childhood vows: ‘childhood vow is a promise you make to yourself as a child, either consciously or subconsciously, that informs the way you see and operate in the world. A childhood vow is often forged out of pain and neglect, but can sometimes be made in the chase of pleasure. The challenge of a childhood vow is that it becomes deeply entrenched into our false selves and keeps us bound to bad news instead of the good news of Jesus.’ I need to be conscious of the vows I’ve said to myself and how they show up in my anxiety and behaviour.
- Second Order Change: if you find yourself solving entrenched problems by doing more of the same, you are exhibiting an anxious response. I enjoyed Cuss’ solution of his sons basketball team. When his son’s teammate never passed the ball to him, Cuss’ advice to his son was to pass the ball every time to the teammate six times in a row. This broke the pattern and got them working together. Cuss applies second order change also to the quiet members of staff team saying over next 3 weeks you need to speak 6 times on any subject and the rest of the team must engage.
- I don’t need to give the last word in any given transaction. It’s okay to be misunderstood. One more response from me is not always needed. I can be at peace with not having the last word.
- Mapping my family of origin and the impact it had on me as a geneogram could be a helpful way of understanding the reason I feel and behave the way I do. This will likely help me see the scripts with which I interpret my life’s events. For me, my script or lense by which I interpret the events of my life is “I’m invisible”.
- Writing a verbatim could help me process past negative emotions and learn from the things which trigger me.
I found Cuss’ chapter on ‘Sources of Relational Anxiety’ extremely helpful. His brief descriptions of the following sources of anxiety were invaluable:
- Cognitive dissonace: ‘the message someone is sending because it is incongruent with reality or at least incongruent with our perception of reality.’
- Mixed messages: ‘a specific form of cognitive dissonance. A mixed message is two conflicting messages arriving at the same time from someone... If you find yourself in the anxiety of interpreting mixed messages, simply choose the message you want to receive, ignore the other, and see what happens... If you work with a concrete thinker or a strong personality, you can mistakenly think that his mode of communication represents his level of commitment to it, but most of the time, we are not as hardened in our messages as we may come across. One way to deescalate anxiety is to simply ask or... act on the preferred message. One of the mistakes we make is we adopt the presumption of the communicator. Some people naturally communicate in a rigid way, and their statements are more rigid than they may intend. One way to move communication forward is to not automatically adopt the presumption of the communicator.’ Cuss gives the example of two mixed messages that came to Robert Kennedy during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
- Double binds: when ‘you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Double binds are the source of much anxiety in leaders, especially when you don’t recognize that you are in one. You spend much energy trying to win when you are set up to lose... The insidious nature of a double bind is the belief there are only two options when often there are more. It is the “locked in” feeling that generates so much anxiety. God offers an open-ended future, but a double bind convinces us that we are backed into a corner of doom... God often has a path outside the “two doomed options,” and if you’re able to pause and reflect on the options, you’ll often find many more paths than you first thought. Often you will need the perspective of a trusted friend to help you see the other paths. Having said that, sometimes we really are in a true double bind: we only have two losing options. When this is truly the case, go ahead and get it over with. I’ve been in relationships before where the game is, “You lose.” The person I am dealing with has no interest in resolution, so no matter what I try, I am always losing. When that is the case, go ahead and lose and move on. You are going to lose a few, and by a few of course I mean a lot. No need to punish yourself when you lose a game of “You lose.” Sometimes the best way to manage certain loss is to reframe what a win is. A win is losing quickly, losing well, and moving on. Boom.’
- Paradox: ‘A paradox is very similar to a double bind. It is simply an impossible situation where you are trying to do something that is impossible to do.... [Eg] “Come here. Go away.” They want help, they don’t want help. They want you to care and step in, they want you to back off and leave them alone. Paradox...The best solution for a paradox once you recognize it is to simply name it to the person and work on a new approach together that is actually achievable.’ Another Eg I want my kid to want to clean their room. Reality is as an adult I don’t even want to clean my room.
- Phantom strikes: ‘A phantom strike is anytime one person takes a shot at you, but she is carrying a hidden army with her. It is any variation of “Me and a bunch of people who aren’t here and who I won’t name all think there is something wrong with you.”... Phantom strikes hurt because they catch you when your defense is down; you never see the extra firepower coming. They also hurt because you can’t face your accusers square on and now your internal triggers are at work. Is the whole organization talking about me? Are the people who are kind to my face stabbing me in the back? How many people and how strongly do they feel about this? Since you don’t have access to any of this information, your mind fills in the gaps, usually to a pathological level, making something potentially much bigger than it really is.’
- Stepping on a leadership land mine: ‘Leadership land mines can really do damage. You’re leading a group and you have no idea there are highly emotional topics and history involved in the decision at hand. As you’re leading you think all is well, you’re even excited, but someone in the group is hurt or highly offended. You’ve stepped right on a land mine you didn’t know existed... Leadership land mines are particularly tricky because everyone loses a leg in the explosion. The people receiving the new direction are hurt, but so is the leader who feels shame for not seeing it coming. The impact can be significant relational anxiety. Like many of these sources, the best way to diffuse the issue is to name it, in the moment if you’re able. You cannot undo the damage, but you can diffuse the anxiety by naming it and inviting people to share their point of view and assumptions. You can share yours as well and move through the situation together.’
- Power and responsibility: ‘Another source of relational anxiety is when you are serving in a role where your responsibility and power do not match. You are constantly in an anxious state, but you cannot put your finger on the source. It may be because you are responsible for significant aspects of your organization, but you’ve not been given the authority to manage your responsibility. If you find yourself “in trouble” for a decision that impacts your work or you have to clean up a mess not of your making, it may be because you have responsibility but no power... If you have much responsibility but no power to execute, you will battle ongoing anxiety until that dynamic changes or until you leave.’
- Triangulation: ‘A triangulated relationship is any three-person relationship that should have two people in it. This isn’t to be confused with a threeperson relationship that should have three people in it! A healthy three-person relationship might be a father, mother, and daughter who all relate together. A triangulated version of that relationship is where the daughter says, “Don’t tell Dad” or the father says to the daughter, “I’ll let you do it, but your mum is going to hit the roof. You know how she can be.” A triangulated relationship is where two people collude against the third or one person co-opts an outsider into a two-person relationship. ... People who struggle with direct communication are particularly prone to triangulation because co-opting people onto their “team” is a way they overcome their feeling of powerlessness. They recruit, sometimes well-intentioned, oftentimes not, trying to get a gang against the person with whom they have an issue. Rather than speak directly to the person, they speak about him or her to everyone else. Beware secret knowledge, both sharing it and being invited into it. ... The simplest way to get out of a triangled relationship is to inform everybody that you are going to inform everybody. Give everybody the same access to the same information.’
- ‘All these relational sources can be extra challenging because the solution to them almost always involves engaging the person you’re anxious about. Dealing with internal anxiety can be a private matter, but the best way to reduce relational anxiety is to address it with the people you are in tension with.’
Cuss is a Christian and brings biblical reflections to bear on his analysis of anxiety at many points.
1) Some of these reflections are helpful and profound.
2) Sometimes he uses the Bible as a proof text for his preexisting principles. It’s not that Cuss’ principles go against scripture, rather the texts Cuss goes too aren’t about his principle.
3) However, sometimes Cuss missinterprets what scripture is saying and rejects the Bible’s clear teaching. For example, Cuss ignores the Bible’s teaching on the offense of sin against God, and God’s settled, controlled personal hostility to sin. Instead he defines sin as that which harms us, and God’s response is that he is sad that we are hurting ourselves. While the Bible’s teaching on sin does include the harm it does to us and God’s sorrow at our own self destructiveness, yet, at heart the Bible’s definition is that sin is against God, not merely against us. It’s for this reason I would find it hard to unhesitatingly endorse this book to others.
Nevertheless there was lots of extremely helpful principles in the book. These principles were practical, illustrated with real life examples and relevant to all leaders. The book could be improved with a summary in chart form of the sources of anxiety he states and principles for breaking them.
The following are some of my highlights and takeaways from the book:
- Pay attention to what I am feeling and how it is expressing in my body language and words I speak during meetings.
- If I spew anxiety on those I lead, that anxiety will spread through the system.
- Write and regularly consult a life giving list of people, places and practices that help me diffuse anxiety and find rest.
- Be careful not to over function in relationships—high activity, inability to pause, over sharing, resistance to planning, directive leadership style—all of which is a sign I am anxious and not thinking straight.
- A truly non anxious presence is the ability to not let others' anxiety and affect me.
- Laugh at myself and be playful in meetings. It reduces my anxiety and theirs.
- Pay attention not just to the content of what is said in meetings but the process.
- ‘Burnout has less to do with workload and more to do with internal and external leadership anxiety. As surely as the sun rises every morning, so will a leader face a situation where she is anxious or annoyed at the person she is leading, or she wonders why she feels ashamed. Or he gets tired of being stuck in the same pattern with his team. Or he doesn’t know what to do, yet he must do something.’
- If I am leading my team more by “how-ing” rather than “wow-ing” I have a problem with control.
- Many of our negative behaviors flow from childhood vows: ‘childhood vow is a promise you make to yourself as a child, either consciously or subconsciously, that informs the way you see and operate in the world. A childhood vow is often forged out of pain and neglect, but can sometimes be made in the chase of pleasure. The challenge of a childhood vow is that it becomes deeply entrenched into our false selves and keeps us bound to bad news instead of the good news of Jesus.’ I need to be conscious of the vows I’ve said to myself and how they show up in my anxiety and behaviour.
- Second Order Change: if you find yourself solving entrenched problems by doing more of the same, you are exhibiting an anxious response. I enjoyed Cuss’ solution of his sons basketball team. When his son’s teammate never passed the ball to him, Cuss’ advice to his son was to pass the ball every time to the teammate six times in a row. This broke the pattern and got them working together. Cuss applies second order change also to the quiet members of staff team saying over next 3 weeks you need to speak 6 times on any subject and the rest of the team must engage.
- I don’t need to give the last word in any given transaction. It’s okay to be misunderstood. One more response from me is not always needed. I can be at peace with not having the last word.
- Mapping my family of origin and the impact it had on me as a geneogram could be a helpful way of understanding the reason I feel and behave the way I do. This will likely help me see the scripts with which I interpret my life’s events. For me, my script or lense by which I interpret the events of my life is “I’m invisible”.
- Writing a verbatim could help me process past negative emotions and learn from the things which trigger me.
I found Cuss’ chapter on ‘Sources of Relational Anxiety’ extremely helpful. His brief descriptions of the following sources of anxiety were invaluable:
- Cognitive dissonace: ‘the message someone is sending because it is incongruent with reality or at least incongruent with our perception of reality.’
- Mixed messages: ‘a specific form of cognitive dissonance. A mixed message is two conflicting messages arriving at the same time from someone... If you find yourself in the anxiety of interpreting mixed messages, simply choose the message you want to receive, ignore the other, and see what happens... If you work with a concrete thinker or a strong personality, you can mistakenly think that his mode of communication represents his level of commitment to it, but most of the time, we are not as hardened in our messages as we may come across. One way to deescalate anxiety is to simply ask or... act on the preferred message. One of the mistakes we make is we adopt the presumption of the communicator. Some people naturally communicate in a rigid way, and their statements are more rigid than they may intend. One way to move communication forward is to not automatically adopt the presumption of the communicator.’ Cuss gives the example of two mixed messages that came to Robert Kennedy during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
- Double binds: when ‘you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Double binds are the source of much anxiety in leaders, especially when you don’t recognize that you are in one. You spend much energy trying to win when you are set up to lose... The insidious nature of a double bind is the belief there are only two options when often there are more. It is the “locked in” feeling that generates so much anxiety. God offers an open-ended future, but a double bind convinces us that we are backed into a corner of doom... God often has a path outside the “two doomed options,” and if you’re able to pause and reflect on the options, you’ll often find many more paths than you first thought. Often you will need the perspective of a trusted friend to help you see the other paths. Having said that, sometimes we really are in a true double bind: we only have two losing options. When this is truly the case, go ahead and get it over with. I’ve been in relationships before where the game is, “You lose.” The person I am dealing with has no interest in resolution, so no matter what I try, I am always losing. When that is the case, go ahead and lose and move on. You are going to lose a few, and by a few of course I mean a lot. No need to punish yourself when you lose a game of “You lose.” Sometimes the best way to manage certain loss is to reframe what a win is. A win is losing quickly, losing well, and moving on. Boom.’
- Paradox: ‘A paradox is very similar to a double bind. It is simply an impossible situation where you are trying to do something that is impossible to do.... [Eg] “Come here. Go away.” They want help, they don’t want help. They want you to care and step in, they want you to back off and leave them alone. Paradox...The best solution for a paradox once you recognize it is to simply name it to the person and work on a new approach together that is actually achievable.’ Another Eg I want my kid to want to clean their room. Reality is as an adult I don’t even want to clean my room.
- Phantom strikes: ‘A phantom strike is anytime one person takes a shot at you, but she is carrying a hidden army with her. It is any variation of “Me and a bunch of people who aren’t here and who I won’t name all think there is something wrong with you.”... Phantom strikes hurt because they catch you when your defense is down; you never see the extra firepower coming. They also hurt because you can’t face your accusers square on and now your internal triggers are at work. Is the whole organization talking about me? Are the people who are kind to my face stabbing me in the back? How many people and how strongly do they feel about this? Since you don’t have access to any of this information, your mind fills in the gaps, usually to a pathological level, making something potentially much bigger than it really is.’
- Stepping on a leadership land mine: ‘Leadership land mines can really do damage. You’re leading a group and you have no idea there are highly emotional topics and history involved in the decision at hand. As you’re leading you think all is well, you’re even excited, but someone in the group is hurt or highly offended. You’ve stepped right on a land mine you didn’t know existed... Leadership land mines are particularly tricky because everyone loses a leg in the explosion. The people receiving the new direction are hurt, but so is the leader who feels shame for not seeing it coming. The impact can be significant relational anxiety. Like many of these sources, the best way to diffuse the issue is to name it, in the moment if you’re able. You cannot undo the damage, but you can diffuse the anxiety by naming it and inviting people to share their point of view and assumptions. You can share yours as well and move through the situation together.’
- Power and responsibility: ‘Another source of relational anxiety is when you are serving in a role where your responsibility and power do not match. You are constantly in an anxious state, but you cannot put your finger on the source. It may be because you are responsible for significant aspects of your organization, but you’ve not been given the authority to manage your responsibility. If you find yourself “in trouble” for a decision that impacts your work or you have to clean up a mess not of your making, it may be because you have responsibility but no power... If you have much responsibility but no power to execute, you will battle ongoing anxiety until that dynamic changes or until you leave.’
- Triangulation: ‘A triangulated relationship is any three-person relationship that should have two people in it. This isn’t to be confused with a threeperson relationship that should have three people in it! A healthy three-person relationship might be a father, mother, and daughter who all relate together. A triangulated version of that relationship is where the daughter says, “Don’t tell Dad” or the father says to the daughter, “I’ll let you do it, but your mum is going to hit the roof. You know how she can be.” A triangulated relationship is where two people collude against the third or one person co-opts an outsider into a two-person relationship. ... People who struggle with direct communication are particularly prone to triangulation because co-opting people onto their “team” is a way they overcome their feeling of powerlessness. They recruit, sometimes well-intentioned, oftentimes not, trying to get a gang against the person with whom they have an issue. Rather than speak directly to the person, they speak about him or her to everyone else. Beware secret knowledge, both sharing it and being invited into it. ... The simplest way to get out of a triangled relationship is to inform everybody that you are going to inform everybody. Give everybody the same access to the same information.’
- ‘All these relational sources can be extra challenging because the solution to them almost always involves engaging the person you’re anxious about. Dealing with internal anxiety can be a private matter, but the best way to reduce relational anxiety is to address it with the people you are in tension with.’
January 12, 2025
This book is so good! It may end up being my favorite book of 2025 and it’s literally the first month… Steve Cuss does a great job of checking on your heart and giving you practical steps to pursue. There’s a decent amount of Scripture which balances with the anecdotes he shares (both of his own experience and ones he’s learned as a pastor). I particularly enjoyed that the running theme in the whole book does not change: name what is going on and die to it by giving it to God. Dying to it comes in different forms throughout the book: confessing it, telling others about it, changing the process, breaking the pattern, etc. I really appreciated the different tactics for different situations. Cuss approaches this book with humility and names his faults as he shares a teaching anecdote, which I appreciated because it’s consistent with what he asks the reader to do: name it and die to it! There were some grammatical errors and copy edits that were missed, but overall very well written! Plus, it was pretty funny!
December 6, 2025
This is the best book I have read this year. This might be the best book for ministry leaders I've ever read. But you don't need to be in ministry or a leader to read this. Anyone would benefit from this book.
People ask me about hospital chaplaincy and Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), and this is probably the best articulation I've read of the way I learned during that experience. Very much action-reflection-new action (the "clinical learning method"). Now when people ask, I could just hand them this book. The author went through CPE, talks about his experience, and uses tools that we used in CPE (I did a genogram presentation and presented MANY verbatims).
This book fills in a lot of the gaps in the application section of Dane Ortlund's book Deeper, that I also read this year. Ortlund only offers read your Bible and pray by way of application. Which we should do, yes. But people do those things and still find themselves not experiencing real change. This book offers some more ways that people can experience real change.
Unfortunately, I fear (and would bet) that some ministry leaders will either not pick this book up or will dismiss it as psycho-babble, or take issue with his use of both he/him and she/her pronouns to describe ministry leaders without caveat, or have preconceived notions and judgments about chaplaincy...and will remain stuck in unhealthy patterns that this book could help them with. And that's a shame.
Every ministry leader should do CPE. They won't. Every ministry leader should read this book. They won't. But I hope more will and be open to what he has to say.
Shout out to Lee Meadows for recommending this one to me.
People ask me about hospital chaplaincy and Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), and this is probably the best articulation I've read of the way I learned during that experience. Very much action-reflection-new action (the "clinical learning method"). Now when people ask, I could just hand them this book. The author went through CPE, talks about his experience, and uses tools that we used in CPE (I did a genogram presentation and presented MANY verbatims).
This book fills in a lot of the gaps in the application section of Dane Ortlund's book Deeper, that I also read this year. Ortlund only offers read your Bible and pray by way of application. Which we should do, yes. But people do those things and still find themselves not experiencing real change. This book offers some more ways that people can experience real change.
Unfortunately, I fear (and would bet) that some ministry leaders will either not pick this book up or will dismiss it as psycho-babble, or take issue with his use of both he/him and she/her pronouns to describe ministry leaders without caveat, or have preconceived notions and judgments about chaplaincy...and will remain stuck in unhealthy patterns that this book could help them with. And that's a shame.
Every ministry leader should do CPE. They won't. Every ministry leader should read this book. They won't. But I hope more will and be open to what he has to say.
Shout out to Lee Meadows for recommending this one to me.
May 23, 2025
It is wild to me that this book has so many 4 and 5 star reviews. I found the theology, especially as it relates to anxiety, problematic and unnecessary. The three middle chapters, where he focuses on sources of relational anxiety, family systems, and tools for diffusing anxiety, have some good practical insights for leading groups. The one very helpful point he gets across is that you must do your own inner work if you are to be a good leader.
December 4, 2022
This book was such a surprise and such a gift. So many highlights. I’ll be using this as a resource for years. Think Failure of Nerve meets Gospel Allegiance. Discovered his podcast too and it’s great.
December 3, 2023
More research and tools like this!
4 stars for excellent weaving of family systems theory into leadership and work groups.
Less than 5 stars for a limited perspective of anxiety.
4 stars for excellent weaving of family systems theory into leadership and work groups.
Less than 5 stars for a limited perspective of anxiety.
August 1, 2024
Mediocre at best. I would classify this as a book that falls through the crack between expertise and personal opinions/antidotes. He pulls from great authors and experts like Edwin Friedman and others, but then enmeshes his own personal opinions and experiences around emotional/mental health, organizational behavior, leadership techniques, and family systems theory that make it hard for the reader to know where his opinions end and research begins. This is both misleading and does not serve the reader well.
It reads more of a journal of his personal growth as a leader, which is descriptive, not prescriptive as the title would imply.
To readers who enjoyed or felt lightbulb moments, I’d encourage you to dig deeper into the studies and expertise of those like Edwin Friedman and others to give better language and context to some of the things hit on here.
This could be a great intro book to the topics listed above, but please do not stop here, there is much more to learn.
I also dislike his argument about Christ Followers not aiming to be like Christ. Why?
1. This is not aligned with the Bible
2. Again, sounds like his personal struggle with misunderstanding the call to be like Christ (descriptive instead of prescriptive)
3. His argument is full of logical fallacies that self implode.
- sighting his guys weekend as a comprehensive study on people being Christlike
- saying we can never do things that Jesus did like: healing the sick, walking on water, casting out demons” all of which his disciples did.
^this last one points to my consideration of his issue is we cannot be like Jesus in our own power, which I agree, but that’s why Jesus gave us his Spirit.
He then ends this whole “personal rant” with concluding that because it is impossible we shouldn’t try. But ends with “we shouldn’t sit in the hot tub or life waiting for God to change us. We have hard work to do, arguable harder than becoming like Christ”
🧐
TLDR:
- teaser with some false assumptions to work out
- descriptive, not prescriptive
- if something resonated, dig in and find the research experts on that topic
For all of that, I wouldn’t ever recommend to anyone as it would likely confuse more than equip.
It reads more of a journal of his personal growth as a leader, which is descriptive, not prescriptive as the title would imply.
To readers who enjoyed or felt lightbulb moments, I’d encourage you to dig deeper into the studies and expertise of those like Edwin Friedman and others to give better language and context to some of the things hit on here.
This could be a great intro book to the topics listed above, but please do not stop here, there is much more to learn.
I also dislike his argument about Christ Followers not aiming to be like Christ. Why?
1. This is not aligned with the Bible
2. Again, sounds like his personal struggle with misunderstanding the call to be like Christ (descriptive instead of prescriptive)
3. His argument is full of logical fallacies that self implode.
- sighting his guys weekend as a comprehensive study on people being Christlike
- saying we can never do things that Jesus did like: healing the sick, walking on water, casting out demons” all of which his disciples did.
^this last one points to my consideration of his issue is we cannot be like Jesus in our own power, which I agree, but that’s why Jesus gave us his Spirit.
He then ends this whole “personal rant” with concluding that because it is impossible we shouldn’t try. But ends with “we shouldn’t sit in the hot tub or life waiting for God to change us. We have hard work to do, arguable harder than becoming like Christ”
🧐
TLDR:
- teaser with some false assumptions to work out
- descriptive, not prescriptive
- if something resonated, dig in and find the research experts on that topic
For all of that, I wouldn’t ever recommend to anyone as it would likely confuse more than equip.
August 21, 2021
A wonderful book that stretched me in ways of emotionally engaging my own stress and pastoring for others'. Cuss' book engaged me in a unique way that I haven't been in several years with a text. He has a unique perspective in how to be low-anxious in relationships and how we call others to follow Jesus.
The Big Idea: We lead by our own stability and pursuit of Jesus. The same can be said of our emotional status and resilience.
The Big Idea: We lead by our own stability and pursuit of Jesus. The same can be said of our emotional status and resilience.
February 7, 2022
I really enjoyed reading about the author’s experience as an ER chaplain and the wisdom he gained from that. I think reading through the whole book he does a good job having a fairly balanced view of anxiety, but within the first couple of chapters he approaches anxiety through the lens of it being purely sinful rather than a form of suffering. Depending on who is reading the book, this could be helpful or harmful.
September 20, 2025
Helpful for diagnosing what is happening in your organization, and also provides practical advice for what to do about it! Contains several exercises for gaining clarity that I plan to follow up on: Work load scrubs, genograms, and verbatims.
August 23, 2022
This is an excellent book on understanding one's own anxiety and differentiating it from the anxiety of others. A lot of his experience comes from being a chaplain, so I resonated with a lot of the material having finished my first unit of clinical pastoral education at the hospital. My experience of chaplaincy was more like growing as a person than actually being a chaplain and I can see Cuss also experienced some of the same work. This will be a go-to book for me to help myself and others continue to grow in relationships.
February 12, 2025
Absolutely fantastic. The perfect blend of theoretical concepts, practical tips and tricks, and pastoral care. I will be reading this again.
July 7, 2023
Everyone in ministry should read this book!
August 12, 2024
Everyone growing into their life responsibility, no matter how confident, should read this.
July 8, 2023
One of the best books on the inner to outer life of a leader that I have read. Helpful for growing in both self awareness and social awareness. This will be a re-read for me and a read with those I lead. An easy way into the wide world of bowen systems theory - with helpful direction to explore more.
January 30, 2024
Highly recommend! Transformational and practical. The author wove his story, both triumphs and failures, throughout the book.
March 2, 2024
This is one of those books I wish I could assign, particularly to anyone who is leading others. I started it when I was in a leadership role in my job, but the truths and tools for showing up as a non-anxious presence in the world are priceless whatever our jobs or roles are. Same with tolls for becoming more aware of the anxieties that drive us. The author is an Australian pastor, this is written from a Christian perspective, but I think it would be helpful to people of all (or no) faith systems.
September 28, 2022
Really enjoyed this book and found it helpful. I thought it was a unique blend of leadership insight, some practical counseling techniques, and a dose of family systems theory. There is a lot in this book that you can impact, but even skimming it is chalk full of helpful exercises to use personally or with a team. Very helpful and encouraging read!
October 15, 2019
I'm going to give a caveat for my thoughts upfront: it's entirely possible that this book simply landed on me at the perfect time in my life and career, and had I been exposed to it in a different season I may not give it as glowing a review.
That being said, I absolutely loved it, and heartily recommend it to anyone who leads, manages, or supervises people (especially in non-profit, mission-based or ministry contexts).
The style of Cuss's writing is extremely clear and practical. He works you through simple concepts, but gives language to experiences that anyone who has worked with people will immediately recognize. For me, the book was chock full of 'aha!' moments like, "Whoa! That's what {so and so} was doing when......" or "Whoa! That's why I reacted in {such and such} way when that happened!" It's full of wisdom, and personal anecdotes from the author's life that make the advice practical.
If you're skeptical of "family systems theory," then you probably won't find this book helpful, as Cuss presumes the truth of this approach to therapy and simply builds off it. If, however, you think "family systems theory" has a lot to offer (as I do), then you will love this book. Concepts like "differentiation," "enmeshment," "reactivity," "childhood vows," and of course, "anxiety" are all given simple and lucid definitions, and each concept is tied to practical exercises that one can bring into one's leadership. In many ways, Cuss takes the work of someone like Ed Friedman (Failure of Nerve) and brings simplicity, clarity, and an explicitly-Christian framework to it.
In many ways, I'm on the beginning of my journey into these ideas, and I'm profoundly grateful for Cuss's work in untangling such thorny leadership concepts, and especially for connecting them explicitly to the Gospel. This may not be for everyone, but for those in any sort of leadership role in a church, non-profit, etc......then this is an absolute must-read.
That being said, I absolutely loved it, and heartily recommend it to anyone who leads, manages, or supervises people (especially in non-profit, mission-based or ministry contexts).
The style of Cuss's writing is extremely clear and practical. He works you through simple concepts, but gives language to experiences that anyone who has worked with people will immediately recognize. For me, the book was chock full of 'aha!' moments like, "Whoa! That's what {so and so} was doing when......" or "Whoa! That's why I reacted in {such and such} way when that happened!" It's full of wisdom, and personal anecdotes from the author's life that make the advice practical.
If you're skeptical of "family systems theory," then you probably won't find this book helpful, as Cuss presumes the truth of this approach to therapy and simply builds off it. If, however, you think "family systems theory" has a lot to offer (as I do), then you will love this book. Concepts like "differentiation," "enmeshment," "reactivity," "childhood vows," and of course, "anxiety" are all given simple and lucid definitions, and each concept is tied to practical exercises that one can bring into one's leadership. In many ways, Cuss takes the work of someone like Ed Friedman (Failure of Nerve) and brings simplicity, clarity, and an explicitly-Christian framework to it.
In many ways, I'm on the beginning of my journey into these ideas, and I'm profoundly grateful for Cuss's work in untangling such thorny leadership concepts, and especially for connecting them explicitly to the Gospel. This may not be for everyone, but for those in any sort of leadership role in a church, non-profit, etc......then this is an absolute must-read.
September 4, 2020
This a very specific book combing anxiety and leadership. If I was teaching a class on Ministry and Leadership it would be in the syllabus for sure. A good friend suggested it when I mentioned I was experiencing a heightened season of anxiety. One helpful quote for me was, “when someone massively overreacts to your leadership, either positively or negatively, he needs you to be someone that you are not. He is also projecting onto you expectations you cannot fulfill or blame that is not yours to own.”
January 18, 2025
I enjoyed this book which helps readers get under the skin of some of the common causes of anxiety, particularly within church ministry team contexts, but it is widely applicable to lots of other types of relationships. Steve Cuss encourages readers to be aware of their own personality, gifting, weakness, and, perhaps most importantly, what makes them feel anxious, which often comes as a result of these personality traits and tendencies.
Steve opens his book by telling a very personal story, which many readers will be able to identify with to at least some degree. He makes anxiety feel like it is a common experience of most people for at least some period of life. I think this is helpful, as someone who has had seasons of feeling depressed, but has never had a clinical diagnosis of depression, I can understand how this would also relate to anxiety. Most people don’t have crippling anxiety, but most people have at some point in life have felt anxious about a relationship or life situation, even if it wasn’t for a sustained period.
Steve introduces lots of tools to try and help readers understand themselves better, I think some of these things are more helpful than others, and personally I found the first half of the book more useful than the second.
I think the real challenge of this book is in its application. Cuss encourages readers to be open and nonanxious when discussing what makes them anxious. This is important, yet difficult, as people often do not want to be confrontational toward each other, or be vulnerable about things they feel ashamed, or afraid of.
I’m glad I read this book, I would say I was quite self-aware before, however this book has made me more aware of how my personal anxieties affect my relationships with others. Upon reflection, it has shown me how things like my tendency to criticise, my moderate to high-standard perfectionism, and my dislike of disorganisation, can really subconsciously harm some others who do not hold those same tendencies. If I don’t hold those things on a leash in group settings, I risk silencing and disarming others, particularly those who are prone to encouraging optimism and “it’ll be fine” mentality.
Steve opens his book by telling a very personal story, which many readers will be able to identify with to at least some degree. He makes anxiety feel like it is a common experience of most people for at least some period of life. I think this is helpful, as someone who has had seasons of feeling depressed, but has never had a clinical diagnosis of depression, I can understand how this would also relate to anxiety. Most people don’t have crippling anxiety, but most people have at some point in life have felt anxious about a relationship or life situation, even if it wasn’t for a sustained period.
Steve introduces lots of tools to try and help readers understand themselves better, I think some of these things are more helpful than others, and personally I found the first half of the book more useful than the second.
I think the real challenge of this book is in its application. Cuss encourages readers to be open and nonanxious when discussing what makes them anxious. This is important, yet difficult, as people often do not want to be confrontational toward each other, or be vulnerable about things they feel ashamed, or afraid of.
I’m glad I read this book, I would say I was quite self-aware before, however this book has made me more aware of how my personal anxieties affect my relationships with others. Upon reflection, it has shown me how things like my tendency to criticise, my moderate to high-standard perfectionism, and my dislike of disorganisation, can really subconsciously harm some others who do not hold those same tendencies. If I don’t hold those things on a leash in group settings, I risk silencing and disarming others, particularly those who are prone to encouraging optimism and “it’ll be fine” mentality.
July 26, 2022
First, don’t write this book off because you don’t consider yourself an anxious person. The anxiety Cuss writes about is mostly relational anxiety. We all feel it and we lead in relational systems that are full of it. The more we can become aware of our own part in adding anxiety to they systems we live and lead in, the more we can be effective as a leader.
This book is extraordinarily insightful and practical. We live in an anxious world that desperately needs leaders who can bring a non-anxious presence to their leadership. Steve Cuss shows vulnerability and humility regarding his own anxiety and mistakes and he writes with a simplicity that demonstrates a strong understanding of leadership anxiety and family systems theory.
I read this book immediately after “The Leader’s Journey” by Herrington, Taylor and Creech and they complement each other well. I recommend reading them both for a slightly different perspective on becoming a less anxious leader. They also provide slightly different ways and practices to address the anxiety in you and those you lead.
This book is extraordinarily insightful and practical. We live in an anxious world that desperately needs leaders who can bring a non-anxious presence to their leadership. Steve Cuss shows vulnerability and humility regarding his own anxiety and mistakes and he writes with a simplicity that demonstrates a strong understanding of leadership anxiety and family systems theory.
I read this book immediately after “The Leader’s Journey” by Herrington, Taylor and Creech and they complement each other well. I recommend reading them both for a slightly different perspective on becoming a less anxious leader. They also provide slightly different ways and practices to address the anxiety in you and those you lead.
September 10, 2025
Steve Cuss’s “Managing Leadership Anxiety” is a book that almost any Christian leader will find valuable. Cuss helps the leader navigate anxiety through a few lenses— both theological and psychological—including systems theory. He offers tools such as the genogram and the verbatim to help leaders process their emotions and attachments in conflict.
My only issues with the book are a handful of theological misses, including the repetition of forgiving oneself (not a biblical concept), and an odd insistence that we aren’t called to become like Christ. The latter is sort of mitigated by his explanation that it is the Spirit’s work in us that forms us into the likeness of Christ. While I think the biblical emphasis is on the Spirit’s work, I think there is a both/and there that Cuss turns into an either/or. The result of both of these theological issues is that Cuss’s book appropriately invites us to consider our story in conflict and to be gentle with ourselves while seemingly downplaying real issues of sin and idolatry that ought to also be dealt with.
My only issues with the book are a handful of theological misses, including the repetition of forgiving oneself (not a biblical concept), and an odd insistence that we aren’t called to become like Christ. The latter is sort of mitigated by his explanation that it is the Spirit’s work in us that forms us into the likeness of Christ. While I think the biblical emphasis is on the Spirit’s work, I think there is a both/and there that Cuss turns into an either/or. The result of both of these theological issues is that Cuss’s book appropriately invites us to consider our story in conflict and to be gentle with ourselves while seemingly downplaying real issues of sin and idolatry that ought to also be dealt with.
September 29, 2021
An important work helping leaders process anxiety and grow in awareness as we become more healthy and humble wherever we serve. Thrilled to get a little more insight in family systems. And there’s really practical help here, such as naming childhood vows, managing personal reactivity, genograms and verbatims. Very thankful.
“The vision for this model of leadership is a culture where people can bring their whole selves and hold one another’s vulnerability in a caring way, where we can name and move through our shadows, vows, and anxieties to be more fully present to one another and to God.” (Pg 181)
“The vision for this model of leadership is a culture where people can bring their whole selves and hold one another’s vulnerability in a caring way, where we can name and move through our shadows, vows, and anxieties to be more fully present to one another and to God.” (Pg 181)
January 17, 2023
“Move towards health & fight for growth”!!! Loved the concept behind the book explaining that leadership looks different for everyone based on experiences, jobs, situations, trauma, & past hurt. He highlighted some really key points about how to read the anxiety of the people in your care & how to care for them in it, as well as how to acknowledge your own & recognize how it affects your leadership.
It wasn’t my favorite read because I think the main points could’ve been just as eloquently summarized in an article, rather than an extensive book.
It wasn’t my favorite read because I think the main points could’ve been just as eloquently summarized in an article, rather than an extensive book.
December 5, 2024
4.5/5. The deepest strength of this book is that it provides tools to develop emotional intelligence in its readers. While I am deeply thankful for the theological and spiritual development I received in my education and at seminary, I wasn't as deeply equipped on how to manage the emotions, questions, and fears that come from leading in ministry. This is where this book is a helpful supplement. It isn't a theological examination of leadership, but it is a helpful emotional/psychological examination of leadership, and is definitely worth the read.
June 30, 2024
A deeply introspective and thoughtful book that I’d recommend to any Christian leader!
Managing Leadership Anxiety does not focus on anxiety disorder, but rather the pervasive anxiety that manifests in virtually every leader - whether they are able to identify it or not. He thoughtful spends time helping readers identify leadership anxiety in themselves before briskly moving towards a plentitude of strategies to help manage said anxiety.
Depending on the reader, this book could range from very helpful to completely transformational. Our leadership team has it as required reading, and for good reason!
Managing Leadership Anxiety does not focus on anxiety disorder, but rather the pervasive anxiety that manifests in virtually every leader - whether they are able to identify it or not. He thoughtful spends time helping readers identify leadership anxiety in themselves before briskly moving towards a plentitude of strategies to help manage said anxiety.
Depending on the reader, this book could range from very helpful to completely transformational. Our leadership team has it as required reading, and for good reason!
July 24, 2022
I recommend this book to anyone who leads or who wants to lead. Leadership is really hard and this book not only helps those of us in leadership recognize our own struggles, but also gives tangible tools to help us through those struggles.
I’ve probably read ten leadership books in my life and I think this is the one I’ll recommend to others the most.
I’ve probably read ten leadership books in my life and I think this is the one I’ll recommend to others the most.
December 15, 2023
Read this for church/work. It wasn’t bad, but felt pretty similar to a lot of books I read in college. I’m just not a huge fan of nonfiction! There was one part I liked which involved writing a “Life-giving list” and I think I want to continue doing this. I liked that the list included not only activities that give life, but also places and people. Still finding my places!!
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