Can Everyone Please Calm Down?: A Guide to 21st Century Sexuality

by Mae Martin

WHY DO WE FIND SEXUALITY SO, WELL ... SCARY?

Comedian Mae Martin investigates in this hilarious and intelligent guide to 21st century sexuality. Covering everything from the pros and cons of labels, to coming out and the joys of sexual fluidity, Mae ponders all the stuff we get hung up about - and then a bit more.

Mae's mission is to ensure that in a world that's full of things to worry about, who we choose to kiss should not be one of them. And when it comes to sexuality, she asks:

CAN EVERYONE PLEASE CALM DOWN?

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer, Memoir, Audiobook, Comedy, Humor

288 pages, Paperback

First published May 16, 2019

Reviews

[Lottie from book club · Rating 3 out of 5]

in true Lottie fashion I watched Mae Martin’s show, read Mae Martin’s book, and bought a ticket to see Mae Martin live all in less than 24 hours

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Can Mae please do all audiobooks from now on?

[Rene Winter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Had tons of fun with this one. I think it works better for younger people when it comes to the 'guide' or 'guidance' part but that's not what I expected from it for myself anyways. I hoped to get some laughs out of it, which I definitely did and additionally, I was surprised to find some insights into Mae's life that were not only comedic but also very reassuring in a way. By being brutally honest about her own weird thoughts and habits, she reminds at least me of the fact that none of us are really normal and that we would be surprised of how often our strangeness might connect instead of seperate us, if we would just talk about it. On top of that, I find her style of writing very refreshing and deeply enjoyed her cheeky side-notes. All in all would definitely recommend, especially if you're in need of some light and funny literature that is still mentally engaging.

[wethegeorgea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book! It’s both thought provoking and hilarious. I actually cried, I was laughing so hard. I couldn’t recommend this book more. Also check out Mae’s special on Netflix. So hilarious- go to “Comedians of the World”- the UK section.

Enjoy!!

[Kade · Rating 4 out of 5]

A simple and quick read, but packed with a ton of (comical) common sense. The best non academic explanation and reflection of sexuality and sexual identities I have read. Big fan, Mae.

[Shona · Rating 4 out of 5]

You can really hear Mae Martin's voice through all of this. It's a great wee book, I wish I had been able to read it as a teenager, would've saved me a lot of stressing over labels.

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this fantastic, warm and funny manifesto (MAEnifesto) on sexuality and how we'd all benefit from chilling the heck out about it. I spent the entire time reading it nodding in agreement which meant I didn't necessarily learn anything new or gain much insight from it, but sometimes you just need the soothing reassurance that others are on your level.

Also a definite thirst trap. Couldn't stop visualising Mae in a green tunic and feathered cap, like the fox Robin Hood...I guess that's one of the facets of my sexuality now.

[Masha (onceandfuturebooknerd) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can everyone please read this book? Yes, you need it in your life. Yes, you need it now. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, GO GO GO!! 👏🌈

[Ambs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mae. Marry me?

[Emily Morris · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful book. A must read for everyone! Had me laughing, tearing up and shouting ‘oh my god I’ve felt that too- I thought I was alone before!’
Truly essential reading.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I LOVE YOU MAE!!!!

Okay so while this book was not particularly groundbreaking, Mae’s voice really came through. It was a short read full of important reminders and reflections. I felt so, so affirmed. 4 stars because I longed for more!!

[Brittany · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book as a queer person and it was really interesting to read how Mae was raised. I think people who want to become parents should read this book so they can better understand the pressures LGBTQ+ youth go through and can navigate it easier. Don’t have kids if you won’t love them unconditionally because their gender and sexuality might not be what you’re expecting.

[Sneha Narayan · Rating 3 out of 5]

What an adorable book! Can Everyone Please Calm Down is comedian and actor Mae Martin's venture into writing a book. I have been a fan of Mae Martin's for nearly 4 years, and I absolutely adore them. Their stage comedy excels at being laugh-out-loud funny in a very honest way. Their stories seem both way too specific to have happened to anyone and very relatable on a human level.

The book was similar. This is a book about, well, sexuality. Mae defines, in the beginning, what they have sort out to do with this book: they say the book is an attempt at helping people sort through the labels and terminology used in the LGBTQ+ community, and they make a plea for 'everyone to just calm down' when it comes to sexuality. They say it is a book for everybody, not just people from the LGBTQ+ community.

They make one very clear point: the labels created by the binary-driven, heteronormative society (and even those used within the LGBTQ+ community) come nowhere near close to describing human sexuality in all its glory and nuance and are therefore, in reality, useless. They try to shape out how human sexuality and gender are fluid, both for people from the community and for cis-het people, and that this has been true for centuries.

As long as there's been sex, there's been all kinds of sex.

All of this is explained through a quirkiness very characteristic of Mae Martin. There are stories from their childhood about being brought up by very open-minded, one-of-a-kind parents. They also talk about the struggles in dating as an adult. The language is very easy and I breezed through it. Get ready for gems like this one, if you plan on reading it:

Scientists are ALWAYS trying to find the gay gene, but they never definitively have. (Maybe the stonewashed Levi's George Michael wears in the music video for 'Faith'?) (Get it? Gay jeans. I am a professional comedian.)

If you are a fan of Mae's, you will recognize a few of their comedy bits that we have watched many times on YouTube and have come to love. Their Bette Midler bit features in the book. The bit where they talk about wanting to be (and being) naked for all of the Christmases up to age 11 is just as funny in writing. I could imagine it in their voice and was cackling even though I have watched this stand-up bit many times.

The only issue I had with this book is that they may have tried to oversimplify sexuality in order for this book to cater to everyone. However, sexuality as we understand it today, especially with the constantly evolving conversations we have on social media, is a lot more complex. I believe that in 2019, the conversations did focus a lot on oversimplifying the LGBTQ+ experience so that it can be understood by the heteronormative society, and we can gain our (long overdue) rights.

However, it feels like we have moved on from some of these topic they tackle in the book. Maybe it is because of the pandemic and the rapid change that is taking place within the community with more people coming to terms with their gender and sexuality. But now, I believe the conversations are more nuanced and cater more to the people within the community - the focus has shifted to creating new language to empower queer people.

Thus, some of the book's categories did not make sense to me. For instance, they talk about why we don't require labels, and about sexuality and gender as largely two separate concepts. However, today, labels themselves have become more fluid; gender and sexuality have become so intertwined we cannot talk about one without the other; we talk about the importance of labels in more traditional societies; we have succeeded at walking the fine line between celebrating labels while recognizing their intrinsic banality.

I believe that at its time this book was a much-needed one. And to be fair, Mae's Netflix show, Feel Good, is incredibly nuanced and subtle. I would recommend watching the show after reading the book to get a complete understanding of what Mae wanted to say.

Overall this was a sweet book clearly written by someone who cares a lot about people and love in general.

[Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really refreshing take on the modern world of identity and sexuality. At the end of the day who has the time to worry about girls loving girls, boys loving boys and every type of love in between 👌

[Kirstine · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very good book for those who find gender and sexuality confusing but don’t know how or where to start.
It’s a quick read and one of the rare books I imagine work well reading on a tablet (I read the paperback).
Mae is very funny and great at not assuming anything about the reader’s knowledge on the subject.
If you know all the letters in the LGBTQ+ alphabet, read it for the fun facts and Mae’s personal stories.

[Max Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

VERY GOOD

A very solid book that says a lot of things I really agree with. I find myself relating to a lot of what Mae says. Personally, I feel labels are restrictive and don’t leave any room for fluidity or growth, and have felt this way since high school. There was a lot of this book that was stuff I knew and was aware of, so I can imagine it being more eye-opening for someone not as well versed in sexuality and the language surrounding it. That said, it was interesting reading about the ancient cultures and current cultures that accepted gender and sexual fluidity, and it’s definitely nice seeing a lot of my own sentiments about sexuality be written down by someone like Mae. The only other thing I have to say is that the comedy doesn’t quite work while reading, and it’s a bit too constant for my liking, but I think that’s a taste thing: I was introduced to Mae with Feel Good and have always more admired their writing, dramatic skills and comedy in that setting (for yes, that show is funny as fuck) rather than in a stand-up, jokes way.

[Joanna K · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve listened to the audiobook and I think it was a great decision because having Mae as a reader was very amusing and entertaining (as always). In terms of content, I don’t think I’ve learned too many things about sexuality that I was not aware of, but definitely it’s a nicely narrated story about seeing the gender and sexuality as a spectrum and not encouraging others to label people. As a gender non-conforming woman, Mae’s experiences are very relatable and I feel represented (finally!). I think that for someone younger still learning about sexuality and gender, or just a person not personally affected by these issues and wanting to learn more, it’s a great and easy-read which introduces a new perspective on the topic. Drop the labels!

[clay · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was a rly fun experience, idk how else to describe it. im sure you guys know just how much i love ranting about all this queer theory shit and reading someone elses thoughts on it (in a book format rather than just random tumblr posts) was rly insightful and stimulating.
the book overall didnt have much of a clear structure, but nothing felt out of place. it read just like an extended monologue, which makes sense cos like. shes a comedian. oh yeah and the comedy was great. i laughed a lot.
yeah good book. queer theory. i love it.

[Ashleigh Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book.
Funny, full of good anecdotes but most of all interesting.
I particularly liked her point on a comment her friend made about not wanting to label herself as ‘straight’ even though she had only ever dated or been interested in guys in the past as that would constrain her future. She doesn’t know who she will love in future and doesn’t want to miss out because of a limiting label she has put on herself.

[Emilee · Rating 5 out of 5]

God bless Mae Martin 🥰

[Emer Tannam · Rating 2 out of 5]

I agree with everything the writer says in this book, but it wasn’t for me. Perhaps it could be good for a young teen. Maybe I’ll give it to my daughter one day. But it wasn’t particularly interesting, and it wasn’t very funny, and the layout seemed designed to make the book seem longer than it was.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Mae for saying what I wish everyone knew! More people need to read this book so that one day, books like this won’t be needed. The beautifully varied nature of human sexuality will be universally recognized, respected, and we can stop discriminating based on a made up us vs. them mentality!

[ness · Rating 3 out of 5]

this was fun, it was funny (good, she's a comedian so i was expecting that) and i learnt a few things. it was nice to have this "guide" where i could agree with literally everything the author said and just learn some stuff. twas good

[Erika · Rating 4 out of 5]

A simple introduction to discussions about different sexualities, genders and identities. Mae is one of my favourite people that I don’t actually know so I loved how it read just like their voice and I had a lot of fun with it.

[Basia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Czytane przez Mae Martin😍 to było jak 3 godzinny stand-up

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got what I expected out of this. It's funny and very readable, but I wouldn't say I necessarily gained any new knowledge. For that reason, I would have loved more of the memoir/autobiographical content. "Naked Christmas" was a chapter that had me laughing out loud - more of that, please! - and I now aspire to be the next Wendy/James Martin parenting guru. I will be keeping this one the shelves for when my kids are older. They'll probably tell me the references are dated by then, but I consider it as much my duty to give them room to form their sexualities/gender identities, as it is to introduce them to the Spice Girls and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Either way, it's got a good breadth of content delivered in a light-hearted way.

[Marie Andrews · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book and found it a light hearted way of approaching and exploring sexuality. I find Mae's comedy really funny and this definitely has the same tone, which I think is great if teens were to read this book. This definitely doesn't cover everything (it was never claiming to though) and is surprisingly short, but I think would make a great intro into the topic and 'labelling' of sexuality for younger readers. Not quite sure how reflective the "guide" aspect is, but an interesting look into Mae's experiences and her thoughts regarding gender, sexuality and everything lgbtq.
*I received a copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review*

[Cat Dillon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some interesting food for thought! I love the idea of not assuming anyone is straight, and therefore taking the pressure off coming out.
As a queer person I was familiar with most of the concepts in this book, but it would be a great resource for someone who does not identify as queer, or is wanting to become a more understanding person or better ally to the LGBTQIA+ community. I particularly liked the “advice to my younger self” bit at the end. Very sweet. Well done, Mae.

[Eleanor Yates · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this guide! I think it strikes a nice balance between informative and funny, and it would definitely be something I’d have loved to have read when I first came out as queer.

I think that it’s a good baseline to understanding more about gender and sexuality, and can be a first resource to learning more about queer history. I’d recommend it to younger readers, or readers who think they might be queer but are a bit unsure where to start with figuring it out. 4 stars ⭐️

[Leoniepeonie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Liked this! Much shorter than I anticipated but it was great to listen to as an audiobook and Mae is just so fab. I appreciated the delving-into-research when it happened, but it was mostly a nice (and very enjoyable) semi-surface level safari through sexuality from Mae's point of view. Can't complain, and the overall message was bang on.