Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair with Punishment

by Danny Silk

2,000 years ago, Jesus Christ revealed the Father to humanity, not as an angry punisher of sinners, but as a merciful forgiver bent on reconciliation with His lost sons and daughters. Through Christ’s perfect sacrifice, the Father ensured that inside this reconciled relationship with Him, nothing we could ever do could separate us from His love. He made us unpunishable. Yet the body of Christ struggles to create a relational culture that accurately reflects the heart of the Father—a culture of mature love that drives away the fear of punishment (1 John 4:18) and leads people who sin on a journey of repentance, restoration, and reconciliation. In fact, the fear of punishment often seems to have the strongest hold at the leadership level in most churches. Many leaders live in isolation and performance, and often burn out or crash morally, because they believe that if they have any problems, they will be punished—a belief that is too often realized. At the same time, these leaders struggle to see how they can lead and protect people without using tools of punishment when people sin. Unpunishable is a call to all believers, but especially leaders, to end our dysfunctional love affair with the fear of punishment and build a relational culture that empowers people to walk in the light of freedom and love, own and clean up their messes, and mature into sons and daughters who look like the Father.

Genres: Christian, Parenting, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Personal Growth, Religion, Faith

176 pages, Paperback

Published October 15, 2019

Reviews

[Chuck · Rating 1 out of 5]

"Unpunishable" was unpalatable to me. My biggest concern was the way in which the author seemed to practice eisegesis, imposing his own ideas onto biblical texts instead of exegesis. For example, he made the following statement on page 66: “The full arc of the story of the Bible shows us that God’s entire mission in human history is to set us free from the punishment paradigm and lead us into a completely new, punishment-free relational paradigm with Him, ourselves, and others.” I thought the full story arc of the Bible was the promise of the gospel and its fulfillment in Christ.

This promise begins with Genesis 3:15, known as the proto-evangelium—the first Gospel: “I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.” I have a hard time connecting the message of the gospel with Danny Silk’s declaration of what he says is the full arc of the story of the Bible.

An example of his eisegesis is where he discusses the consequence of the Fall, where Adam and Eve realize their nakedness in Genesis in the section “Naked and Afraid,” beginning on page 47. He appears to conflate the term “naked” ʿ(ārôm,) in Genesis 2:25 with “crafty” (ʿā∙rûm) in the next verse, 3:1. The Hebrew term for naked has a symbolic sense of exposure and vulnerability and is a different word than ʿā∙rûm, crafty. Frequently in Scripture ārôm has a symbolic sense of exposure and vulnerability, as when Isaiah walked “naked” to signify Egyptian prisoners being led away by the Assyrians (Isaiah 20:2-4). Nakedness is associated with shame in Hebrew thought, as with the discovery of a drunken Noah by Ham (Genesis 9:22-23). So, Genesis 2:25 is making the point that Adam and Eve were naked and vulnerable, but they were not ashamed of it.

There is a similar term, êrōm, which is used ten times in the OT to designate spiritual and physical nakedness. In Genesis 3, it refers to Adam and Eve after their sin (Genesis 3:7, 10, 11). More than just an awareness of their physical nakedness, Adam and Eve are also aware of their guilt before God—they had lost their innocence.

The word for naked (ʿārôm) in Genesis 2:25 also appears to be a subtle play on the word translated “crafty” in the following verse, Genesis 3:1: “Now the serpent was more crafty (ʿā∙rûm) than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made.” So, Genesis 2:25 contrasts the naked innocence and vulnerability of Adam and Eve to the craftiness of the serpent in Genesis 3:1. As a result of the serpent’s craftiness, Adam and Eve sinned. Ironically, their first bit of newfound wisdom was to realize that they were naked (ʿêrōm) before God (3:7, 10, 11). See “Nakedness in Genesis” on faith-seeking-understanding.org.

There are additional examples of what I see as Silk’s eisegesis with other passages as he seeks to contrast his sense of the punishment paradigm with a new, punishment-free relational paradigm, but these two examples illustrate my concern. I think "Unpunishable" mishandles Scripture in its attempt to present readers with an alternative to the so-called punishment paradigm.

[Anna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wish I could rate this 0. This theology is missing the voice of the victims and makes a way to "restore" abusers who then continue to abuse with more money in their pocket.

SPOILER: The "hero" in this book continues to abuse young girls after being restored. Go figure. Shows that the leaders at Bethel have 0 discernment and should be disqualified.

[Blair Johnston · Rating 5 out of 5]

So so good.
I wish believers would read this. We’d probably all treat one another a little better.
I wish non-believers would read this. It gives a more clear understanding of the real Christ & the ways humans have twisted things.
I’ve talked about this book in countless conversations over the last month.

[Trisha Sales · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished this awesome book. 😭 I have no words because I'm still bawling in a corner.

[Johnny · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is about covering up scandals and crimes. He describes the situation where pastor Ben Armstrong commits clergy SA and simply calls that a mess. Silk focuses on the offender and not the victims.

[Panda Urban · Rating 1 out of 5]

I should have known upon first reading. The seminal “unpunishable” example is an “affair” between a pastor/teacher and a live-in student/intern. The power dynamic alone makes that unlikely but this tells the full story. Don’t buy this book’s narrative twisting.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eCV3OGk...

[Jessica Storie · Rating 4 out of 5]

So much about grace has moved from head to heart for me in the last few years, and this book is right on track with that. Highly recommend for anyone who puts themselves in court constantly as defendant, judge, and jury and struggles to hear the Father's voice amidst all the self-condemning noise.

[Steve Irby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quarantine-Book #52:

I just finished "Unpunishable: Ending Our Love Affair With Punishment," by Danny Silk.

I bought this because of the great interview with Danny Silk on "Rethinking God with Tacos" (awesome podcast) with Thomas Floyd and Jason L Clark.

Since childhood the one thing we avoid is punishment. We could be strong-willed or compliant but we are motivated by punishment. But when it is to be dished out to others we live it; it feels so right.

God would have us repent, be reconciled and restored regardless of our starting standing in the Jesus-community. This is the difference between punishment and discipline: there is no need for repentance in punishment, but no one is made whole without it.

If you are a pastor/leader read this to come back to the best way of Unpunishment.

#Unpunishable #DannySilk

[Daunavan Buyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is solid. It’s filled with great biblical teaching around the false ideas we have about punishment. It’s not an easy read and it seeks to deconstruct some views that may be pretty tightly held onto... so don’t expect it to just reinforce some bad theology :)
The stories that Danny tells are raw, honest, and relatable. If you work with people as your vocation, if you’re a parent, or if you just want to learn more about the difference between punishment and discipline... this book is for you.

[J.D. King · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal Book, with Remarkable Insights and Application

I have enjoyed Danny’s books. Culture of Honor and Keep Your Love On were deeply impacting. However, this book is the best of the three. It combines biblical analysis, with practical insights, and wonderful illustrations. It is one of the best works that I have ever read.

[Casey · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not a fan. I was looking more for something on self punishment and how to alleviate that. This was more about people in leadership roles and how they should discipline instead of punish. I was not a fan. A lot of self published books I’ve read just don’t do it for me. The editing and focus of the book is scattered and not great. I won’t be reading anymore Danny Silk books.

[Sarah Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It was good at bringing in Bible references and showing truth about punishment and why punishment doesn’t bring true or good change. His explanations on the Old Testament were insightful, and his application of New Testament scripture was excellent. It was not a super simple read so it took me a bit to wade through it. But it was insightful and excellent. Definitely would be good for most adults to read (and this isn’t just about parenting…most of it is not about parenting, though it is easily adjusted to the application of parenting).

I didn’t take many notes on this book for various reasons, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t filled with a plethora of great quotes. The few I did write down are below:

Humble self-awareness gives birth to loving discernment in lives. The “loving” part is essential. Many people mistakenly think that the “gift of discernment” is for figuring out what’s wrong with other people and using that to justify criticizing or creating distance from them - that is, punishing - those they have judged offensive. This is exactly what Jesus told us not to do in the Sermon on the Mount. […] The word “discern” means to judge the difference between two things. It does not mean to judge someone guilty and worthy of punishment. When we do this, we demonstrate that we are not operating from a new covenant paradigm, but from the punishment paradigm. (P. 110)

The New King James says to restore them “in a spirit of gentleness.” One illustration I use to describe the spirit of gentleness is to imagine trying to pet a deer. The only way I am going to be successful is if I can convince that deer that I pose zero threat to it. That means I need to eliminate as much anxiety from the encounter as possible. I need to demonstrate that I will not attempt to control it or hurt that deer in any way. The spirit of gentleness flows from the belief, “I do not need to control you. I am not afraid of you or your mess. I am not here to punish you, shame you, or try to protect other people from you. I am just here to help you get out of this hole. (P. 125)

At the center of every “broken spot” in our lives is a false narrative about the world and our place in it that leads us to take on a false, shame-based identity. (P. 148)

[Kendrick Vinar · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read three or four books by Danny Silk, all spaced apart by several years. Each has been a timely encouragement and affected me deeply. He writes with a unique understanding and experience in what it looks like to be a powerful person, motivated by love and connection, not fear and punishment. The first chapters of the book paint a stunning picture of the Gospel through the lens of warring paradigms: the punishment and the discipline paradigm. Later, the books gets increasingly practical as Silk gives several in-depth examples from his experience of restoring leaders in spiritual authority. Though I am not administering church discipline, I still found the work very practical and relevant, as the implications are far reaching. I gleaned significant insight around how to do conflict well, what true repentance looks like (both in myself and others), and the redemptive potential of biggest messes. I am grateful for the gift that Danny Silk is to the body of Christ.

4.6/5.0

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found it admirable that Danny Silk worked within social services before his involvement with the church. I do feel that this has given him a healthy base of training and boundaries, as well as basic common sense for training and teaching others how to deal with boundaries and roots within oneself and others. I gained a lot of wisdom from this book, as well as a deeper respect for Danny Silk, and his wife.

Thank you for speaking to us who are wounded in our hearts and have an unhealthy relationship with punishment. Thank you for paving the way in a very logical manner how to cling to the cross and allow Jesus to reform our hearts to understand grace, and release ourselves from the punishment paradigm.

[Hannah Edge · Rating 4 out of 5]

Danny does an incredible job of keeping connection at the heart of everything- connection with the Father first, yourself, and others. I imagine if I was in a leadership position I would refer to this over and over for reconciling employees. For my personal life, it showed me how biblical boundaries show love in relationships. That forgiveness does not always = same relationship but a new relationship. Punishment has no place in the new covenant or in the way I connect with those I love. Danny so clearly portrays the important of TRUE repentance and restoration- how to appropriately deal with sin and walk in freedom for life. Confession, behavior modification, and apologies are not merely enough. True healing requires deep soul work.

[Shanan Z · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is incredible and life-changing. It goes along so well with another of his books — Keep Your Love On. I would say this book could be described as how to practically implement the concepts discussed in his other book, as related to dealing with ourselves and other people when they sin and mess things up (as will inevitably happen). It answers the question: “in a godly way, how do we handle believers who make big mistakes?” I highly highly recommend reading it. I feel more equipped than I ever have before, to ensure that I am not living from a punishment mindset with myself or others. God’s heart is so much bigger than we can even comprehend. And this book doesn’t shy away from talking about how to put that in action with even the worst of sinners.

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

Like the title says, this book sets forth the premise that people should be "unpunishable," even after the most egregious acts.

Two men are held forth as examples of said premise. Both men are Christian leaders (supposedly) and se xu al ly as sa ul ted several women. The problem is that these men were platformed at the expense of the women they victimized. The women were not ever contacted for their input. The author has made money off this book on their backs. Due to trauma, victim shaming, and more, some of these women did not speak out until very recently, years after the ab us e occurred. Others spoke out, but their voices were silenced.

Disclaimer: I did not read this book. But I'm quite familiar with what happened with these two men and am friends with one of the victims.

[Karla Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

💫 Most excellent book. I’ve wanted to read this for a while. If you want a mind blowing heart changing read - read this book. But be prepared for your paradigm to be upended and refashioned into a Kingdom paradigm of forgiveness and repentance. It’s a weighty read.

Danny Silk’s books are a must read. Unpunishable is incredible addition to Loving Our Kids On Purpose and Keep Your Love On. This book is challenging and gratifying as a Jesus way of cleaning up big messes through a process of repentance and forgiveness as opposed to the punishment paradigm.

I highly recommend this book along with the other two mentioned herein.

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

[Sarah Macias · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an incredible read.
I picked it up in the midst of a trial where I would be widely viewed as the victim. What I didn't expect was that it would leave me apologizing to my offender and realizing how my own fears led to a cycle of punishment. There's even conversations in my household now about how we need to adjust our parenting based on this principle.
The first couple of chapters were upsetting to read while attempting to heal from a very fresh wound. But if you're willing to find out what the Bible says about the topic and put your own emotions & opinions aside, you'll be better for it.

[Evonne · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good! God is not interested in punishing us for our flaws and faults. He knows those things are beyond our ability to repair. Instead, He is interested in restoring us into the relationships and maturity and dignity that He wants for us, that He sees in us.

This is a fantastic book. Highly recommended for getting a new perspective on our own fears, on how we think of others when they hurt us, on what we do with our own horrible failures to be the person we'd so much like to be.

This is a book to read, then to re-read, and then to read again. Fantastic.

[Andrea Balfour · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't find the help I needed. I was looking for a different way to manage my teenagers' behaviors. I agree that punishment (and often shame and humiliation that reside with it) can be detrimental and cause rebellion as opposed to change. I agree that you can empower someone to understand what they did and how they can change to affect real transformation. So that's what I took away. But it was steeped in 194/196 pages of biblical foundations for the author's points. I needed practical empowerment versus church learning. So it wasn't my cup of tea for my current needs.

[Kristin Vandersluis · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first I struggled to get into this book, the topic felt dry. Then, I had the opportunity to hear the author, Danny Silk, teach on this topic and I'm forever changed. So glad my eyes were opened to how many actions are based in punishment and fear. Since reading this book, and watching video teaching about this topic, I am now critically questioning how I parent, how groups I am a part of are led, and many other areas of life. This book really is worth the read. It will revolutionize the way you see things in life that had previously lived unquestioned in their existence.

[Leroy Zumack · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book surprised me I thought by the title it had something to do with justice and law connected with the state. It was a book on spiritual justice. Actually a whole different paradigm of reconciliation. The author focused on Gods covenant love and how it restores people when they repent and are willing to clean up their mess(es). Goff illustrations of people that got themselves in trouble morally and how the new paradigm along with a team of people held the person accountable and eventually saw healing and restoration.

[Amy · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is not okay!! It includes the story of a situation that was considered a mess or an affair when the story is actually about a woman who was abused. A victims story should never be used without her permission and it was in this book.Also when there is abuse, there should be punishment/consequences. If you want to hear the ladies story for yourself you can watch it here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eCV3OGk....
To be honest I am not actually reading this book as it makes me too angry but I reviewed it as I feel people need to know the truth!

[Karl Erik Kjær · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book goes to the core of the gospel, and it shows how Jesus love is to transform our lives, families, churches and societies.
It is practical in its way of showing how to go on this journey of understanding how to be a son or a daughter.
It is also have two good cases that show how this message is supposed to look like.

The book is a good book for everyone who wants to learn to live in peace (shalom), and how to live it out and build a good foundation for life.

[Lydia · Rating 5 out of 5]

One to read and re-read. I am profoundly affected by Silk’s perspective on New Covenant repentance, reconciliation, and restoration versus the culturally-pervasive “punishment paradigm.” Each chapter confronted my deep core beliefs and challenged + changed me. This book is an extension of the Father’s heart for a people who are aware of their identities and walk in freedom from fear towards a life of connection. I will hold onto this book’s truths as I walk in all my relationships.

[Joddie Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m giving this book a 5 star review, not because I agree with everything written, but because it provides enough truth and insight that it’s worthy of 5 stars. We will do well to understand that the desire to “be like God” exists in us, and in that the desire to sit as judge over others exists as well. This book holds some great keys for us to exam our own hearts that will lead us into wholeness with the Father, as well as keys in leading others to the same.

[Christian Bowen · Rating 4 out of 5]

As other people have noted, specifically in the current climate surrounding Bethel, what’s missing from this book is the pointed care offered to those who suffered at the hands of the struggling leaders mentioned in this book. It is an interesting read specifically for other leaders in the church on how to pursue repentance rather than punishment or better hiding of sin. What it does incredibly well is scripturally lay out the way God’s justice works without punishment.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is going on my list of life-changing books, alongside How to Stop the Pain by James Richards, Keep Your Love On! (also by Danny Silk), Humility by Andrew Murray, and Integrity by Henry Cloud. If we learn to apply the principles in this book, they will change not only our lives but also the lives of everyone we come in contact with, and ultimately the communities we're involved in, for the better. Total paradigm and mindset shift.

[Dani B · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a horrific book.

Danny Silk created a restoration theology that profited off the abuse and trauma of a woman who was Clergy Sexually Assaulted. Her trauma became his testimony and the church was taught to applaud.

Danny silk has profited off restoring a criminal to church leadership.