The Lost Night: A memoir

by Rachel Howard

On June 22,1986, Stan Howard was stabbed in his bed, his ten-year-old daughter Rachel sleeping in the next room. Unable to fully process the tragedy, Rachel coped the only way she knew how by trying to pretend the murder never happened. More then fifteen years later, Rachel became engaged, and the need to confront the night of her father's death before entering the next phase of her life grew strong. Her father's murder remained unsolved, and many questions unanswered and unasked. In The Lost Night, Rachel shares her father's story, and her keen investigation of memory, truth, and how a family moves on from a tragedy for which they may never find the answers. “The Lost Night is enthralling, a skillfully narrated story that begins as a tale of detection but becomes something more.” —The New York Times “No novel based on Ms. Howard's life, no matter how skillfully crafted, could have been as believable as The Lost Night. It is a quintessentially American narrative of self-creation and redemption, a postmodern Gatsby with a hard-earned, doubt-tinged happy ending. I don't know when I've read a better first book.” —The Wall Street Journal “Powerful.” —San Francisco Chronicle, named one of the Chronicle's best books of 2005 “The Lost Night illuminates a bond between a father and a daughter that neither time nor death can undo.” —The Washington Post Book World

Genres: True Crime, Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Biography Memoir

246 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 25, 2005

About the author

Rachel Howard is a writer of fiction, personal essays, memoir, and dance criticism. Her debut novel, The Risk of Us, will be published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt April 2019, and is garnering strong advance praise. Jenny Offill, author of Dept. of Speculation, calls it "An emotionally complex and amazingly suspenseful novel about love and fear." Belle Boggs, author of The Art of Waiting, says: "Rachel Howard has given us a portrait of family-building and attachment that is at once beautiful and painful, serious and funny, page-turning and insightful. I was deeply moved by this novel, a powerful reminder of the risks we take on whenever we love anyone."

Rachel’s first book was a memoir about her father's unsolved murder, The Lost Night. She was interviewed about the book by Ira Glass for an episode of This American Life. She is a graduate of the MFA Program for Writers at Warren Wilson College and a fellow of the MacDowell Colony. Her fiction and nonfiction has appeared in Gulf Coast, ZYZZYVA, Waxwing (nominated for a Pushcart Prize), O Magazine, OZY, Canteen, Berfrois, the Arroyo Literary Review, the Los Angeles Review of Books, and elsewhere.

Formerly an arts journalist for the San Francisco Chronicle, she has published arts and dance writing in The New Yorker Online, the New York Times, Ballet Review, and the Hudson Review, among other publications.

She lives in Nevada City, CA, where she founded Yuba Writers’ Workshops, and a reading series, Yuba Lit, now a fiscally sponsored project of the Nevada County Arts Council.

In her mid-thirties, after a lifetime of thinking she was a terrible singer, Rachel learned to sing in an Oakland piano bar called The Alley. She still goes to The Alley about twice a month to be with friends and sing.

Reviews

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 *. I enjoyed this memoir. When the author was 10 years old her dad was murdered in their home. She was staying with him, his wife and her son for the summer. The murder has never been solved (not a spoiler). She never dealt with his death or the trauma of witnessing him dying until she was an adult. She tells of her childhood, adolescence and then how as an adult she decided to research the crime.

[Michael Hagan · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I appreciated most about Rachel Howard's book was her honesty in bringing to life a childhood grounded in dysfunction. Though her story is framed around her father's unsolved murder, it's also a riveting tale about her dramatic, chaotic childhood (all writers seem to have them). It's a great model for other writers who wish to write a memoir. The adults in her childhood come off as very real. I admired her restraint in capturing Howdy as a complete monster in her mother's house. His redemption later in the book was touching and oddly endearing. The highlight for me was the chapter titled "Sherrie's Story." There's a lot of stuff going on in that chapter, and Rachel weaves things together in a vivid and seamless fashion. It's really quite masterful and demonstrates her impressive abilities as a storyteller. The entire book is marvelous, but what Rachel does with Sherrie is really special. She is completely untrustworthy, and yet I'm led to believe she wasn't involved in her husband's murder. How Rachel got me to see Sherrie for who she was (a dangerous, manipulative woman), and yet keep me from pointing the finger at her and placing the murder at her feet is an example of Rachel's stunning writing abilities.

I read this book because a racquetball buddy of mine mentioned Rachel goes to our club and wrote a memoir. He suggested I read it. I did, and I'm extremely impressed. In fact, The Lost Night has inspired me to write a few nonfiction pieces of my own. Thanks, Rachel!

[Lauren G · Rating 5 out of 5]

superb, touching, insightful memoir of my good friend and writing mentor rachel howard. in what most would assume is a sleepy central valley town, merced, rachel's father suffered an untimely death with a swift stab to the back of his neck. she was ten years old. the case is still unsolved. she reflects on the subtleties and delicacy of memory while sifting through remnant reflections from family, police records, and her own mind. pensive and real, but never self-pitying, dramatically revelatory nor a sob story, her prose is fluid, graceful, and honest.

[Nick · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very interesting book about a woman who starts to look at the events surrounding her father's murder at the age of ten in order to understand how it has affected some of the bad decisions she made as a youth. While the murder remains unsolved, it is a very interesting look at self-discovery as well as an attempt to understand and reconcile with the past.

[Sarah Gallo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rachel Howard was forced to endure an unimaginable trauma at just 10 years old - a delicate age where the memories will persist but the mind and heart can't seem to comprehend the details. Throughout this memoir she presses into question: How much can a mind recall? And can memories really be trusted?

I'm glad she was able to find her peace by putting her childhood and the details of her father's cold case murder into text. The only reason for 4 stars is because of the editing - there were handfuls of blatant typos throughout this book, which were horrendously distracting and took away from the otherwise beautiful and poignant writing.

[Kirsten Schlewitz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This personal journey in which the author dives into both her father's life and her own is exceedingly well-written and deeply reflective. Rachel Howard doesn't solve the mystery, but unlike so many these days, she didn't set out to. She just really wanted to understand both more about her dad and more about herself.

And because the author is just five years older than me and I lived right in between the cities featured in this book, the descriptions of both cultural references and California's Central Valley really resonates.

[Koren · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this would be more of a true crime book but it was more a memoir of how her father's murder effected the author's life. The book cover says it is her search for the truth of her father's murder but it is more her searching for what happened in an attempt at closure and not really searching to solve it.

[Jenny T. · Rating 2 out of 5]

When the author was 10 years old her father was murdered and this book tells her story of how she really didn't deal with this event for many years. There were many painful years of her growing up until she was ready to learn more about this traumatic events on her own terms. Realistic read with no apologies for her suspicions.

[Lauren Rhoades · Rating 3 out of 5]

This memoir was gripping at points, particularly the first third. I felt that it could have been compressed into a lot shorter book, and ending with a wedding seemed corny.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well written and held my interest two thirds of the way. I was looking for a more satisfying ending.

[Juan Alvarado Valdivia · Rating 3 out of 5]

120 pages in this was a solid 4 stars for me; I was stoked about this book. But the rest of the memoir was a bit too hit and miss for me.

There are lots of great things to say about this book. Like any strong memoirist, Howard has the nerve and audacity to create the narrative distance needed to tell the truth—however brutal—about the people she portrays, including herself. Her book is a vivid illustration of the evolving and opaque nature of memory in a way that I have not seen in other memoirs. It is also a rich, thorough recreation of the trauma she suffered in losing her father in such a violent, confounding manner. And she has a gift for raising (more like spiking) narrative suspense in a chapter such as "Sherrie Calling: 1992."

But for me, the book began to sag and meander shortly after that chapter. Maybe the chapter in which her former stepmother called out of the blue worked too effectively because after I read it, I wanted to motor through the pages to see the author confront Sherri. Though it provided a fuller portrait of herself as an adult haunted by the trauma of her father's unsolved murder, I wasn't so interested in Howard's trying romantic life—especially after ALL the repetitive mentions of her issues with abandonment. It was tedious to read over the final 140 pages since the same points were made again and again and again.

After the first 120 pages, a decent portion of the chapters felt extraneous to me; they felt like commercials you would grudgingly watch after a TV show cuts to a break after a cliffhanger (MasterChef comes to mind). Chapters like "The Quiet Uncle," "Son and Father," and "Nanette's Faith" felt unnecessary—like pages/stories related to the memoir's central suspense that simply got in the way. It dragged the narrative out, unfortunately; kept me from getting at the meat (so to say; i.e., meeting with Sherrie; seeing what would happen from it; seeing what conclusions the author would make about her father's killer). Those chapters felt obligatory—as though the author felt like she had to include them to reciprocate the kindness she felt from the relatives and loved ones who met with her; I can relate with the difficulty in excising such parts, but still. I felt like the narrative could have been more taut and focused if chapters like those would have been cut.

[Bookmarks Magazine]

Howard, an arts writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, delivers a stunning debut. Forgoing the true-crime treatment, Howard remains restrained, her focus on the broad emotional panorama of the story instead of lurid details and self-pity. In crisp, unadorned prose, she explores broken families, drugs, rural California, and the hard emotional work of remembering. The Washington Post notes a "flavor of journal-writing" to The Lost Night, but it's a mere quibble overshadowed by the heady chorus of critical praise. "[N]o novel based on Ms. Howard's life," concludes The Wall Street Journal, "no matter how skillfully crafted, could have been as believable as The Lost Night."

This is an excerpt from a review published in Bookmarks magazine.

[Keri · Rating 3 out of 5]

Would have been a lot better had she gotten some real answers, or at least formed a strong opinion. I understand that real life isn't a CSI movie and many of these things are forever unresolved; I also understand that one risks real slander charges when putting particular things in print. Still, she never even approached the one person the police felt was responsible. It was a decently written book and obviously served to slay her own demons a bit, but I was left thinking that if it were my dad, I would have gone a little further in my own investigations. I certainly would have confronted the one real suspect they had.

[Jesaka Long · Rating 5 out of 5]

That Rachel Howard could approach writing her story with enough distance to draw full, believable portrayals of people like her stepmother is very impressive. It would have been so easy for the author to create the woman as a one-dimensional monster. Her story is heartbreaking and she re-created it so vividly, I felt I was standing with her when her father was killed. I desperately rooted for her in her efforts to solve the murder. Her writing is vivid and strong, drawing the reader along--and not letting go. One of my all-time favorite memoirs. It's also a good one to read for anyone writing a memoir.

[Rachael · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a memoir of a girl/woman's search for acceptance and personal stability after her father's murder (as the subtitle tells you). There were some parts that brought me back to my own childhood, which may account for how strongly I reacted to this book. What the author talks about is not just trying to find out why her father died, but the trauma of his death changed her psychological make-up, how this affected the choices she made in life, and also how she re-unites and reconciles with his family. Not an easy book for me to read, emotionally speaking, but well worth the effort.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well-wriiten story of the author's re-visiting her father's life at the time of his murder; many of the details wouldn't have made sense to her until much later, even had she known them at the time. I recommend the book for true crime fans, with the caution that there's a section I considered transition/filler between the murder period and her (decade later) decision to investigate, which I skimmed through as it had little to do directly with the case itself.

[K Krause · Rating 3 out of 5]

I kept waiting for the author to find out who murdered her father, but she never finds out. In the end, she discovers that perhaps that's not what's most important. The memoir is about her process of healing from the nightmare of having witnessed this brutal event when she was 10, while she also recounts other instances of early abuse and what it took for her to become a stronger person at the broken places.

[Jamie Wyatt Glover · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not what I was expecting. I don't know why, but part of me was expecting her to solve his case. That wasn't how it worked out, but I still really enjoyed it. Rachel's childhood was rough and she was pulled in many directions like so many children these days. She told the story with a truthful voice and never intended to make anyone look like the bad guy or the good guy. I hope someday the murder is found.

[Sue Rowland · Rating 5 out of 5]

I usually only list 5 star books. My review is on Amazon.com. Met the author at a reading in Ukiah, California years ago. Read it for yourself and learn how good writers can give the reader that classic "you are there" intimate quality.

Howard grew up in the California Central Valley with it's lush open country, and "strip malls and fertilizer." Something horrific happens. I won't be a spoiler. Intense, raw, descriptive.

This book read like Carson McCullers...

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was a quick read, but it took me many El rides longer than expected to finish it. Very well-written and self-reflective. The book doesn't provide answers at the end, but it definitely leaves you with the impression that Sherry had something to do with the murder, despite the disclaimer!

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rachel Howard's father was brutally murdered when she was ten years old. Howard faces her pain head-on as she attempts to uncover what happened and who could have committed the murder. She writes of her fears and feelings throughout the years after the murder and during her investigation with complete honesty. Howard's story is a testament to healing and the ability to move on.

[Lizzie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Her father was murdered when she was ten years old. Now as an adult she wants to find out what happened that night, if she can. Working with her memories and the memories of a complicated set of family and step family, she doesn't find who killed him but learns a lot about her family, and reforms bonds that had been allowed to drift after his death.

[Fishface · Rating 3 out of 5]

A really good read. The author sets out to try to make sense of what she remembers about the night of her father's murder. She gets a lot of new information, a lot of it onfusing and totally failing to add up -- hey, this is a true story, no tidy endings here -- but she clearly feels more settled by the end and I think that is what counts.

[Janet · Rating 2 out of 5]

As much as I love these kind of memoirs, I doubt I would have read every word of this one if it hadn't been the only book I took on my recent weekend trip. While I enjoyed some of the chapters, in the end, her looking back to "solve" the murder of her father came across as flat and lacking depth.

[Mandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really interesting book. There's no resolution to her dad's murder, but she has personal resolution. It's an intensely personal book, and I really enjoyed her writing style as she told about her memories. It's definitely worth reading, even if it isn't my "normal" type of book.

[Michele · Rating 3 out of 5]

For me it was interesting because I lived in Merced for a while. So I was familiar with the territory, and understood the descriptive narrative from personal experience. Didn't know the person murdered but see that his murder is still unsolved.

[karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really interesting and sad memoir.

[Carin · Rating 3 out of 5]

It wasn't bad, but it turned into an angsty memoir when what I wanted was a first-hand true crime whodunit.

[Steph · Rating 2 out of 5]

Everyone knows I love memoirs. This one was a yawn.

[Allison Meierding · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a little slow at times. I was more interested in its portrait of life in the 80s, amid tough times, than I was in solving a murder.