The Unspeakable Loss: How Do You Live After a Child Dies?

by Nisha Zenoff (Narrator), Betsy Foldes-Meiman (Narrator), Jim Meskimen (Narrator)

Charting the long path from shock, trauma, and overwhelming pain, to a life that once again contains joy, love, and laughter, The Unspeakable Loss addresses the importance of self-care and also provides a needed view into how the death of a child affects siblings and other family members. Written in a Q & A format, The Unspeakable Loss goes deeply to the heart of grief, answering the urgent questions that accompany loss. "Will my tears ever stop?" "Who am I now without my child?" "How can I help my other children cope?" "Will my marriage survive?" "Will life ever feel worth living again?" By directly answering the questions raised by grief, The Unspeakable Loss speaks wisely and compassionately, offering bite-sized chunks of wisdom in language the bereaved can absorb. Addressing parents no matter where they are in their grief cycle, whether newly bereaved or dealing with a death that occurred many years earlier, the book offers insight from other bereaved parents, as well as Zenoff's personal story. While books on grief have sadness at their core, the best ones also contain invaluable wisdom. The Unspeakable Loss emphasizes hope and recovery above all. While it doesn't flinch from the reality and pain of parental loss, ultimately it is a book about embracing life.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction

Audible Audio

Published November 7, 2017

Reviews

[Ph. D. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended by our son, a mental health therapist, after our neighbor's adult son (our son's childhood friend) took his life one week ago. BTW, one of the many things I learned from reading The Unspeakable Loss was that the term "took his life" is preferable to "committed suicide," which implies that the act is some sort of crime.

It was excruciating to get through the book, but I'm glad that I did. It's never comfortable to contemplate that level of horror. But when it happens to friends, and you want to help but don't know how....

Filled with brief stories from bereaved parents, the book is divided into four parts:
Can I survive?
Will my family survive?
One year and beyond: Where am I now?
As the years go by, what can I expect?

We will give the book to our heartbroken friends at some point. Right now, one week after the event, is too soon. Maybe they will never read it. Maybe they will return to it again and again. I hope that they find something they can use. At the least, they will know that we will meet them wherever they are, however they wish, with listening ears and loving, non-judging hearts.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s been 5 years since I lost my son, and a few years since I’ve read a book about grief from the loss of a child. This was an interesting reading experience for me, as I found myself mostly reflecting on my grief journey, as opposed to using this book as a tool of sorts. It made me realize how far I’ve come. I agreed with much of what the author has written and suggested for grieving parents. She covered a lot of topics and scenarios (all of which won’t apply to every parent). This book was encouraging and hopeful. My only complaint was the constant suggestion to try therapy (along with being a bereaved parent, the author is a psychotherapist and grief counselor). Therapy isn’t right for everyone, and it’s not the answer for everyone. It became annoying to read this particular suggestion at the end of almost every section of the book.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this one. I lost my 18 year old grandson in a car accident in December 15, 2016 at 1:15pm. It has been a year of grief and this book is a good one about how that process works. I have to say I did not like the New York accent of the narrator so I deducted one star. I think she is also the author. It wasn't bad, just sort of distracted from the message.

[Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zenoff's research is really leavened by her own reflections on her experience of losing her son, Victor, just before his eighteenth birthday in 1980. This book reflects all that she has done over the years to grieve and at the same time learn to counsel others who have lost a child. And she has done a great deal of research, which is richly represented in the three sections of the book. The three sections follow a timeline--from the early shock of loss, to one year after a loss, to the years that follow. Some of the reflections in these sections will be more relevant to individual readers than others, which is why she is right to include them all. I found myself recognizing many of my own most harrowing moments and sometimes having my pain clarified by what someone else has gone through. The author also allows for a spiritual theme to run through this book, and this is helpful for people like me, though her concluding remarks about death seem at variance with what Christian philosopher Nicholas Wolterstorff concludes, that death is our enemy.

Over all, I really appreciate the perspective here. It is healing just to read the work of a counselor who has also experienced the "unspeakable loss" of a child.

[Jewel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have given four stars because I like it, but I don't love it. The author made too many suggestions for the reader to get therapy and seemed a bit pushy from time to time. It is a great book for parents who have lost an older child and answers typical questions parents have while processing grief and moving forward to a life without their child's physical presence. The author writes from her own personal experience of the loss of an adolescent son in which there was significant history formed between them that can be valuable for parents with similar situations. Parents who have suffered the loss of an infant may find the book hard to relate to due to the limited history formed between the parent and their baby. There are questions Zenoff answers that are common to all who grieve and are listed in the table of contents. There are comments about different religions and some may find this discussion difficult to understand if you are not familiar with these religions. The book is easy to use and one can simply scan the questions in the table of contents and read that section without confusion.

[John Mizelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The Unspeakable Loss" is an important book. With clear eyes and open heart, Nisha Zenoff offers signposts on the journey of loss and love. Avoiding none of the tragedy of the loss that none of us believe we can bear, she courageously illuminates each dimension of this journey. By revealing and exploring the loss of her own son, and by compassionately relating the stories of numerous parents who have undergone the death of a child, Dr. Zenoff unfolds a journey that is at once both deeply personal and universal; a journey torn apart by grief and pain that nevertheless ultimately arrives home. She shows that the deepest loss is born of the deepest love, and that it is love that carries us, and in which we finally rest.

[Malia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book that captures the depths and agonizing pain of my grief. I was especially appreciative that this was specific to the loss of a child as this type of loss is so different than any other type of loss and most books on grief are more generalized. I felt understood and wished everyone could read this because they would get a small glimpse into what I am feeling right now - a pain that is indescribable and unyielding and crushing. I felt as if the author and I were mourning together. I cried throughout the whole thing. It was painful, but I didn’t feel so alone. It was so relatable, non-preachy, and gives the reader permission and flexibility to just be. I would recommend this to anyone who has lost a child.

[Mallory Plotz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first grief book that I picked up just 2.5 weeks after our 18 month old daughter died. I was very grateful that the chapters were short and easy to read because concentrating on anything still seems impossible most days (even nearly 9 months in.) This was my first time hearing from anyone else who had lived this same nightmare of losing a child. The small glimpses of multiple bereaved mother's experiences showed me that my questions, thoughts, and feelings were quite similar to theirs so maybe I wasn't as crazy as I felt. This book was the start of now 29 grief books I have thrust myself into, and I am thankful that I read this one when I did. I plan to refer back to it a year or two out from our loss or at least refer to the chapters that will be helpful.

[Mattie Timmer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite the difficult topic, I found this book approachable and easy to break down into manageable pieces. It addresses many aspects of grieving and includes a lot of personal and relatable moments experienced by grieving parents throughout, which I found helpful and at times instructive. As a grieving parent myself, I would recommend this book to other parents who have suffered this “unspeakable loss” as well as to those who want to learn to better support a bereaved family member or friend. Just as every child is unique, so is every grief, but finding community and understanding is crucial to healing and this book offers gentle pathways to both.

[nfm · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tearing up on the dedication is really all the review you need. It's a tough read but also, an incredibly moving and compassionate exploration of navigating life. A journey that resonates profoundly with me as a mother who experienced a similar truly unexpected loss. The author's ability to address the seemingly insurmountable challenges of grief is remarkable. This book although at times difficult to read provides a comforting space for those grappling with unimaginable sorrow, offering practical guidance and emotional support. Each page is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit!

[Tammy Horvath · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is no pain that I know of as significant as child loss. The stories in this book confirmed all the strange feelings I've had since my son died at nineteen back in 2017—I'm glad to know I'm not alone. One thing I did disagree with was that I have found a few who have lost children who do not want to talk about it, but most, like me, do. Well done, Nisha Zenoff. Your book will help many get through challenging times.

[Carole · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a helpful book with questions answered by parents whose children have died, parents who know relationships with our children do not end with their deaths. "Our relationships with our children do not end with their deaths. Our relationships change, they're transformed, but our children will always be with us." The short chapters are helpful in a time it's difficult to concentrate.

[Jessica Elder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Validating and helpful grief book

As a grief counselor and LCSW I think the book is very helpful and it addresses nearly every issue and question bereaved parents present. I run a grief book club for a community of bereaved parents and this book was selected. I think it’s a helpful read for bereaved parents and those who support them

[Jerri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unspeakable loss

I read this book and I think it helped me with what I have been going thru and what I can expect in the future. my feelings in the beginning were exactly what was in the book. My son passed away 6 months ago after reading this.

[Kendra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book and resource for those in grief and those support them. I cannot wait to share this book with my congregation

[Shannon Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

I should have read this book sooner. It has some wonderful thoughts and advice, but I have don't most of the things suggested.

[Lucy · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most useful grief books. Organized in a Q & A format--you can skip around and read the parts that are relevant to you.

[Danette Gesler · Rating 5 out of 5]

My brother-in-law gave me this book when our daughter died. At first I couldn’t even look at it, but when I returned to work, it became my morning devotional. Almost every entry spoke to me.

[Kathleen Marchant · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful during my darkest moments. Hearing others going through the same thing was helpful.

[Ruth Glen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great resources in the back.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

I felt like this book could have been an article, but it wasn't bad

[Hannah Romualdo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this after a family member's daughter passed away from a tragic death at 2 years old. As a mother, I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain and insufferable grief. I wanted to learn how parents cope and how to get through the traumas of death, especially of a young child.