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How to Die Alone: The Foolproof Guide to Not Helping Yourself
Meet Blair, viral Instagram sensation and antisocial icon, in this handbook to living your worst life, written and illustrated with laugh-out-loud wit by comedian Mo Welch. For every brave soul who wants to just say no—no to meeting the gang for drinks, no to wishing a coworker happy birthday (unless there’s free cake involved), and no to dating of any kind—here comes Blair, the master of living life in sweatpants and talking only to her cat. With her dark but totally honest perspective, Blair will teach you how to become an antisocial hermit, fail at your boring job, sabotage your relationship, and always—always—give yourself permission to choose the couch over the gym.
145 pages, Kindle Edition
Published April 16, 2019
22 people are currently reading
675 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 175 reviews
January 3, 2023
বইটা পড়ে এক শিক্ষকের বিখ্যাত উক্তি মনে পড়ে গেছে, "আদব কায়দা শিখবে বেয়াদবের কাছ থেকে, ও যা যা করবে তুমি তা করবে না"।
বইটাও এমন রিভার্স সাইকোলজির মনে হয়েছে।
বইটাও এমন রিভার্স সাইকোলজির মনে হয়েছে।
August 7, 2021
This world has enough self-help books. They offer steps for overcoming social anxiety and prescribe no-meat, no-carb, no-fun diets to help you lose weight and your will to live. Those books work for some people. Not me. I don’t want to waste my life reading about how to improve my life. I want to waste my life having one-sided conversations with my cat.
শেষের কথাটা ভাল লেগেছে। হেসেছি। বইটা সেলফ হেল্প ঘরানার বইয়ের ঠিক উলটা। অনেকেই আছেন সেলফ হেল্প ঘরানার বইয়ে নাক ছিটকান। এই বইটা তারা পড়ে দেখতে পারেন। একদম অ্যান্টি-সোশ্যাল নীতিমালায় সাজানো বই।
এই বইটিতে আপনি যা যা পাবেনঃ
(ক) অমিশুক নির্জনবাসী হওয়ার উপায় (টিপস ও ছবি সহ)
(খ) সবচেয়ে খারাপ বন্ধু এ্যাওয়ার্ড অর্জনের নিয়মাবলী (টিপস ও ছবি সহ)
(গ) চাকরীতে অবনতি করার প্রয়োজনীয়তা ও উপায়।
(ঘ) মেদ ও ভুঁড়ি বাড়ানোর মোক্ষম টিপস।
(ঙ) করোনা ভাইরাসের মতো প্রেম থেকে দূরে থাকবার তদবির।
আফটার কমপ্লিটিং দোজ স্টেপস ইউ কুড ডাই এলন।
August 9, 2022
3.5/5
A (not) self helping book..I really loved the unique concept of the book and had a great time with it.The anti-life philosophy of the book is much relate-able to me cause I already lead my life that way! And I think I can win worst friend award according to the book 😐
A (not) self helping book..I really loved the unique concept of the book and had a great time with it.The anti-life philosophy of the book is much relate-able to me cause I already lead my life that way! And I think I can win worst friend award according to the book 😐
August 23, 2019
If I wasn't already a cat-loving agoraphobic curmudgeon ... I'd want Mo Welch to be my bestie! :-)
December 29, 2021
this is literally me.. And i think i will die alone and my cats will eat me
March 2, 2022
add to; one of my favorite books.
December 25, 2020
I thought this was some sort of self help book but it literally is a manual on how to die alone. Although it was entertaining I won’t be employing any of those techniques anytime soon.
October 19, 2022
Okay this felt silly and stupid but yet there were moments when I laughed while reading. Like
The only workout I'm doing today is when I yell "work. . . out" when I leave the office.
I'm gonna forgo a Beach Body for a Peach Body. Round & fuzzy.
Besides, people get boring when they fall in love. They become horribly optimistic and never stop smiling. Do you want that for your life? No.
It felt like that the targeted audience was not mature adult readers who enjoy content but rather people who enjoy silly jokes, well the title said it itself so. So what did I expect?
The only workout I'm doing today is when I yell "work. . . out" when I leave the office.
I'm gonna forgo a Beach Body for a Peach Body. Round & fuzzy.
Besides, people get boring when they fall in love. They become horribly optimistic and never stop smiling. Do you want that for your life? No.
It felt like that the targeted audience was not mature adult readers who enjoy content but rather people who enjoy silly jokes, well the title said it itself so. So what did I expect?
May 3, 2019
Hilarious. Laughed out loud and told my cat how funny it was ;)
September 18, 2020
You had me at: "The guide is for the brave souls who want to live their lives at home in sweatpants, eating pizza, bagels and/or pizza bagels for every meal."
July 16, 2022
So funny and sarcastic
I really laugh from my heart 🤣❤
Good to read when life annoyed you. ❤
I really laugh from my heart 🤣❤
# Look for another job while at your current job. That way, it’s like you’re getting paid to plan your escape.
Put a “Start” sign on your couch and a “Finish” sign on your fridge. Look, you just won a race!
Besides, people get boring when they fall in love. They become horribly optimistic and never stop smiling.
Okay, so we’re all gonna die and that totally sucks. But death doesn’t have to be scary. Like life, it can be mildly amusing. Like a pun or a dad joke. So why not go out with a laugh?<\b>
Good to read when life annoyed you. ❤
September 21, 2019
I found this on Hoopla while trying to find a copy of How Not To Die Alone (which turned out to be adorable, funny, and so so good). This book was none of the above. There was one comic out of the whole thing that made me laugh, the rest of it was just trying way too hard.
July 3, 2023
بامزه بود
February 6, 2022
please read this book with positive perspective since it was funny, for me...unfortunately, some people thought this book quite dark :))
Step 1: Become an antisocial hermit
At a certain point, attending parties becomes more of a chore than a reward. Maybe it’s because there’s no element of surprise. Every party is identical to the one that came before it. You fat-shame yourself as you pick out an outfit, you get to the party too early, you talk to people you’ll never see again, and you spend the whole night imagining yourself at home watching murder documentaries in your sweatpants.
So why bother with parties? Or people? Or anything? If you truly want to die alone, start by being alone now. Never leave your house or see any friends or family again! Except for maybe your cat.
Hermit tip 1: If you’re uncertain about going out, just say no.
How To Hide When You See Someone You Know In Public: Jump into the middle of that clothing rack, Lie down in that bush, Blend into that tree, Walk behind that server. (Keep the same pace), Hold that baby. Look, you’re just a passing mom now, Give back that baby. You’re not ready for that kind of responsibility, Jump into that sewer. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were regular turtles before they saw Gerard, the friend they didn’t want to talk to.
We play hide-and-seek as kids to prepare us for seeing someone we know in public as adults.
Hermit tip 2: You don’t need to have a life if you follow people online who have lives.
Hermit tip 3: Stare out the window with a blank expression on your face until your neighbors finally label you “that weird cat lady.” Well deserved.
Hermit tip 4: Feel free to plan events. Just don’t invite anyone to them.
Step 2: Earn the worst friend award
Friends are overrated. You only really need them when you’re in school so you don’t have to sit alone in the cafeteria, like Steve. (Poor Steve.) That sneaking suspicion that you should “lose touch” with your friends after graduation? Trust it!
Friends never tell you the truth anyway. They want you to like them, so they just say what you want to hear. Like, “You should totally get bangs” or “You should totally text your ex” or “You totally don’t have spinach in your teeth, Blair. Say cheese!”
Tip #1: If you get bored while talking to a childhood friend, just bring up an old resentment from high school. You’ll fight for hours!
Tip #2: If you’re out of food and money, raid your rich friend’s fridge. If they catch you, say you “miss hanging with them.
Tip #3: If you have to go to brunch, DO NOT sit in the middle of the booth. People will talk past you and it will be annoying. Grab an end seat so you can run away to the bathroom whenever you want.
Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Go To Your Wedding: I can’t afford any of the gifts on your registry. I know you’ll punish the single people by seating them at the kids’ table. I don’t respect your relationship after seeing you at your bachelorette party. I hate that part when I’m forced to catch flowers with the other singles. Vows bore me. Most of all, I’d rather be here.
I'm not laughing at your heartbreak. I'm laughing because emotions make me uncomfortable. When you're pretending to be like your adult friends.
Tip #4: Give your cat a human name so when you say you can’t go out because you already have plans with Joan, your friends assume you’ve met someone cooler than them.
Step 3: Get an F. at Your Job
If you’re anything like me, you work to live, not the other way around. You survive paycheck to paycheck, and you fantasize daily about telling your boss, “I quit! Also, I never filled the coffeepot when it got low, and I stole a lot of toilet paper from the supply closet.”And coworkers are the worst. I mean, I sort of like that guy who always gives me the potato chips his wife packs him for lunch, but everyone else is terrible. Some of them actually try to be good at their jobs. Ugh. That’s gross. I guess the old saying is true: “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer and your coworkers really, really far away.”
We shouldn’t have to work. Life’s too short! But if you do have to trudge to an office every day, this chapter will teach you how to put in the absolute least amount of effort.
Bad employee tip #1: Pie charts aren’t as delicious as they sound, but they are a good way to communicate your job dissatisfaction to your boring coworkers.
But why can’t I have a lunch day with a work hour?
Places to eat your lunch alone in peace: car, bathroom, Janitor’s closet, Office roof.
Bad employee tip #2: Do not engage with your coworkers. Your cubicle plant is the only friend you need.
Bad employee tip #3: Look for another job while at your current job. That way, it’s like you’re getting paid to plan your escape.
Step 4: Wreck your health
According to a new study I just made up, we think about working out and eating right 800 percent more than we actually do it. I’m sure there’s some list of inspirational quotes backed by a bunch of Division I football coaches to encourage you to exercise and eat kale, but I’d like to offer an alternative: Throw in the sweaty towel. I mean, why not? Like I said, it’s sweaty. No need to carry that around. It’s just gross. And besides, you can drink your green drinks and go to your dark, EDM-bumping spin class every day of your life, but all of our books end the same way. With an epilogue. Just kidding! With dying alone, obviously.
So sit back, absolutely don’t get up, pop open a bag of potato chips, and read this chapter about doing exactly that. You’ll learn almost nothing. It’s brilliant.
Glutton tip #1 : BYOSnacks when you go to your lactose-intolerant, vegan friend’s birthday party.
Glutton tip #2: Put a “Start” sign on your couch and a “Finish” sign on your fridge. Look, you just won a race!
I have a terrible relationship with diets. I always cheat on them.
I consider the physical therapy because I have to physically leave my bed to get here.
I like my workouts like I like my eggs. Over & easy.
Glutton tip #3: Get a delivery person who does bed deliveries.
Treat yourself like a Garbage Queen on the weekends.
Step 5 : Avoid romance like the plague.
Online dating was supposed to make things easier, but somehow romance is harder than ever. All you have to do is swipe, hook up, and repeat, but with that comes a whole new bag of problems—the inevitable “Sup, girl?” openings, unsolicited nudes, deceptive photos, and every lie in the book.Besides, people get boring when they fall in love. They become horribly optimistic and never stop smiling. Do you want that for your life? No! It’s much more fun to be the single friend forever and enjoy a lifetime of no-share pizza and ample bed space.
If you’re in a relationship or are even thinking about getting into one, it’s time to stop, drop, and roll out. In this chapter I’ll show you how to set your romantic life on fire and watch it gloriously explode.
Love Cynic Tip #1: Show photos of your pet to your date. If they seem weirded out, throw your drink in their face.
If you’re happy and you know it, keep that shit to yourself.
I only get manicures to experience the feeling of holding hands.
Things you should definitely say on a first date if you want to avoid a second date: I forgot my wallet, can I mail you a check?
You know you’re single when your mom is your emergency contact.
Love Cynic Tip #2: Watch rom-coms ironically. “Loudly say things like “Ha! Nobody’s that genuine!” and “Give that marriage three years. He’s clearly in love with his best friend.”
How to break up: decide it’s time to bounce, watch movies about breaking up to prepare yourself. Memorize lines like “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn”. Get groceries, you’ll need them later. Text your boo and tell them you’re out. Wait till they go to work, and then creep around their house and say goodbye to their pets. Burn your phone. Eat those groceries.
Love Cynic Tip #3 Don’t date online or offline.
Okay, so we’re all gonna die and that totally sucks. But death doesn’t have to be scary. Like life, it can be mildly amusing. Like a pun or a dad joke. So why not go out with a laugh? With the right grave, you can make the cemetery your comedy stage. Here are some tombstones that will entertain visitors, passing strangers, and graveyard ghosts.
Step 1: Become an antisocial hermit
At a certain point, attending parties becomes more of a chore than a reward. Maybe it’s because there’s no element of surprise. Every party is identical to the one that came before it. You fat-shame yourself as you pick out an outfit, you get to the party too early, you talk to people you’ll never see again, and you spend the whole night imagining yourself at home watching murder documentaries in your sweatpants.
So why bother with parties? Or people? Or anything? If you truly want to die alone, start by being alone now. Never leave your house or see any friends or family again! Except for maybe your cat.
Hermit tip 1: If you’re uncertain about going out, just say no.
How To Hide When You See Someone You Know In Public: Jump into the middle of that clothing rack, Lie down in that bush, Blend into that tree, Walk behind that server. (Keep the same pace), Hold that baby. Look, you’re just a passing mom now, Give back that baby. You’re not ready for that kind of responsibility, Jump into that sewer. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were regular turtles before they saw Gerard, the friend they didn’t want to talk to.
We play hide-and-seek as kids to prepare us for seeing someone we know in public as adults.
Hermit tip 2: You don’t need to have a life if you follow people online who have lives.
Hermit tip 3: Stare out the window with a blank expression on your face until your neighbors finally label you “that weird cat lady.” Well deserved.
Hermit tip 4: Feel free to plan events. Just don’t invite anyone to them.
Step 2: Earn the worst friend award
Friends are overrated. You only really need them when you’re in school so you don’t have to sit alone in the cafeteria, like Steve. (Poor Steve.) That sneaking suspicion that you should “lose touch” with your friends after graduation? Trust it!
Friends never tell you the truth anyway. They want you to like them, so they just say what you want to hear. Like, “You should totally get bangs” or “You should totally text your ex” or “You totally don’t have spinach in your teeth, Blair. Say cheese!”
Tip #1: If you get bored while talking to a childhood friend, just bring up an old resentment from high school. You’ll fight for hours!
Tip #2: If you’re out of food and money, raid your rich friend’s fridge. If they catch you, say you “miss hanging with them.
Tip #3: If you have to go to brunch, DO NOT sit in the middle of the booth. People will talk past you and it will be annoying. Grab an end seat so you can run away to the bathroom whenever you want.
Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Go To Your Wedding: I can’t afford any of the gifts on your registry. I know you’ll punish the single people by seating them at the kids’ table. I don’t respect your relationship after seeing you at your bachelorette party. I hate that part when I’m forced to catch flowers with the other singles. Vows bore me. Most of all, I’d rather be here.
I'm not laughing at your heartbreak. I'm laughing because emotions make me uncomfortable. When you're pretending to be like your adult friends.
Tip #4: Give your cat a human name so when you say you can’t go out because you already have plans with Joan, your friends assume you’ve met someone cooler than them.
Step 3: Get an F. at Your Job
If you’re anything like me, you work to live, not the other way around. You survive paycheck to paycheck, and you fantasize daily about telling your boss, “I quit! Also, I never filled the coffeepot when it got low, and I stole a lot of toilet paper from the supply closet.”And coworkers are the worst. I mean, I sort of like that guy who always gives me the potato chips his wife packs him for lunch, but everyone else is terrible. Some of them actually try to be good at their jobs. Ugh. That’s gross. I guess the old saying is true: “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer and your coworkers really, really far away.”
We shouldn’t have to work. Life’s too short! But if you do have to trudge to an office every day, this chapter will teach you how to put in the absolute least amount of effort.
Bad employee tip #1: Pie charts aren’t as delicious as they sound, but they are a good way to communicate your job dissatisfaction to your boring coworkers.
But why can’t I have a lunch day with a work hour?
Places to eat your lunch alone in peace: car, bathroom, Janitor’s closet, Office roof.
Bad employee tip #2: Do not engage with your coworkers. Your cubicle plant is the only friend you need.
Bad employee tip #3: Look for another job while at your current job. That way, it’s like you’re getting paid to plan your escape.
Step 4: Wreck your health
According to a new study I just made up, we think about working out and eating right 800 percent more than we actually do it. I’m sure there’s some list of inspirational quotes backed by a bunch of Division I football coaches to encourage you to exercise and eat kale, but I’d like to offer an alternative: Throw in the sweaty towel. I mean, why not? Like I said, it’s sweaty. No need to carry that around. It’s just gross. And besides, you can drink your green drinks and go to your dark, EDM-bumping spin class every day of your life, but all of our books end the same way. With an epilogue. Just kidding! With dying alone, obviously.
So sit back, absolutely don’t get up, pop open a bag of potato chips, and read this chapter about doing exactly that. You’ll learn almost nothing. It’s brilliant.
Glutton tip #1 : BYOSnacks when you go to your lactose-intolerant, vegan friend’s birthday party.
Glutton tip #2: Put a “Start” sign on your couch and a “Finish” sign on your fridge. Look, you just won a race!
I have a terrible relationship with diets. I always cheat on them.
I consider the physical therapy because I have to physically leave my bed to get here.
I like my workouts like I like my eggs. Over & easy.
Glutton tip #3: Get a delivery person who does bed deliveries.
Treat yourself like a Garbage Queen on the weekends.
Step 5 : Avoid romance like the plague.
Online dating was supposed to make things easier, but somehow romance is harder than ever. All you have to do is swipe, hook up, and repeat, but with that comes a whole new bag of problems—the inevitable “Sup, girl?” openings, unsolicited nudes, deceptive photos, and every lie in the book.Besides, people get boring when they fall in love. They become horribly optimistic and never stop smiling. Do you want that for your life? No! It’s much more fun to be the single friend forever and enjoy a lifetime of no-share pizza and ample bed space.
If you’re in a relationship or are even thinking about getting into one, it’s time to stop, drop, and roll out. In this chapter I’ll show you how to set your romantic life on fire and watch it gloriously explode.
Love Cynic Tip #1: Show photos of your pet to your date. If they seem weirded out, throw your drink in their face.
If you’re happy and you know it, keep that shit to yourself.
I only get manicures to experience the feeling of holding hands.
Things you should definitely say on a first date if you want to avoid a second date: I forgot my wallet, can I mail you a check?
You know you’re single when your mom is your emergency contact.
Love Cynic Tip #2: Watch rom-coms ironically. “Loudly say things like “Ha! Nobody’s that genuine!” and “Give that marriage three years. He’s clearly in love with his best friend.”
How to break up: decide it’s time to bounce, watch movies about breaking up to prepare yourself. Memorize lines like “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn”. Get groceries, you’ll need them later. Text your boo and tell them you’re out. Wait till they go to work, and then creep around their house and say goodbye to their pets. Burn your phone. Eat those groceries.
Love Cynic Tip #3 Don’t date online or offline.
Okay, so we’re all gonna die and that totally sucks. But death doesn’t have to be scary. Like life, it can be mildly amusing. Like a pun or a dad joke. So why not go out with a laugh? With the right grave, you can make the cemetery your comedy stage. Here are some tombstones that will entertain visitors, passing strangers, and graveyard ghosts.
May 10, 2019
This book is hilarious. I picked it up randomly at the library and was so hooked that I had to go back to the library to check it out after stupidly putting it down originally.
This book reads kind of like a self-help book that is anything but actually helpful. Instead the reader is given humorous life tips from the perspective of a woman who just wants to live alone with her cat! Most people can relate to that. There are helpful tips on how to avoid talking to another human (such as straight up hiding behind trees), tips on letting your health go, losing all your friends so you can stay at home with your cat, and tips on avoiding relationships to remain forever alone!
An extremely quick read that is filled with great pictures. This book was awesome!
This book reads kind of like a self-help book that is anything but actually helpful. Instead the reader is given humorous life tips from the perspective of a woman who just wants to live alone with her cat! Most people can relate to that. There are helpful tips on how to avoid talking to another human (such as straight up hiding behind trees), tips on letting your health go, losing all your friends so you can stay at home with your cat, and tips on avoiding relationships to remain forever alone!
An extremely quick read that is filled with great pictures. This book was awesome!
June 8, 2019
4 stars
"We play hide and seek as kids to prepare us for seeing someone we know in public as adults."
YES!!! This is so good, so spot on and for all introverts everywhere! I really hope that there is another book in the future.
"We play hide and seek as kids to prepare us for seeing someone we know in public as adults."
YES!!! This is so good, so spot on and for all introverts everywhere! I really hope that there is another book in the future.
November 23, 2018
Parts of this are genuinely funny, and parts are trying too hard. A mostly enjoyable quick read.
May 18, 2019
I appreciate the humor, but this just simply wasn't for me. 🤷🏼♀️
April 6, 2021
I wasn't surprised when I knew that the author is a stand up comedian. I loved how cynical her comics are :'D
May 13, 2023
It was exceptionally unfunny.
August 2, 2024
I don't fit in, and i don't want to fit in.
August 7, 2021
Algo gracioso y rápido de leer.
February 18, 2022
omgggg tbh this is so funny lmaooo but please be aware this is definitely NOT a self-help book & may cause readers to be triggered further so please read this w/ an open mind + knowing its intended to be funny.
and of course, everybody's level of humour varies but have to be honest that this one is kinda my kind of humour. 😅 there were relatable ones and the sarcastic ones - i really enjoyed reading them as it gets more and more relatable. made me giggle omg and i think its refreshing to read a not-so-serious book once in awhile.
i have seen mo welch's comics around social medias before so the comic style looks familiar to me!! 🤗 a very short read indeed and glad to see/pick it up randomly on the library shelves.
and of course, everybody's level of humour varies but have to be honest that this one is kinda my kind of humour. 😅 there were relatable ones and the sarcastic ones - i really enjoyed reading them as it gets more and more relatable. made me giggle omg and i think its refreshing to read a not-so-serious book once in awhile.
i have seen mo welch's comics around social medias before so the comic style looks familiar to me!! 🤗 a very short read indeed and glad to see/pick it up randomly on the library shelves.
June 14, 2020
This is me now.
March 2, 2022
what a guide tho!!! love it!!!
April 14, 2020
3.5
READ FOR POPSUGAR 2020 READING CHALLENGE: Read a book you meant to read in 2019.
READ FOR POPSUGAR 2020 READING CHALLENGE: Read a book you meant to read in 2019.
January 11, 2021
Barely amusing
August 21, 2019
Hislerime tercüman
Displaying 1 - 30 of 175 reviews